Wolverine vs Alexander Anderson

Deadliest Warrior: Wolverine vs. Alexander Anderson

Disclaimer: I own nothing of this. They are owned by Marvel Comics and Kouta Hirano. And god bless both of these characters because they are some of my favourites

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Announcer: Alexander Anderson, psychotic assassin of the Catholic Church and the sword of the Iscariot Organization.
A gigantic, violent man with blond hair and green eyes whips razor sharp bayonets from his long priest's coat and cuts apart the vista on the camera. The sliced screen falls to pieces and reveals a man in a strange yellow outfit with sharp metal claws coming from his knuckles.
Wolverine, lethal fighter of the Canadian Special Forces and iron clad ally of the X-men.
The screen changes to show images of the deadliest warrior crew testing out various weapons and deadly devices.
Announcer: Here at the fight club using twenty-first century technology and the expertise of the finest fighters, we will recreate an epic battle in order to see who is

THE DEADLIEST WARRIOR

Announcer: Here on the show, the stakes are being raised. We strive for accuracy
In the club, a Japanese nun is shown wielding a katana in a most lethal fashion. While off to the side a large blue brute handles a machine gun with the same delicacy as he would handle an egg.
Representing Team Wolverine are Hank "Beast" McCoy and Scott "Cyclops" Summers. Both are current members of the X-men who have fought multiple times alongside Wolverine. In addition to being superheroes, McCoy is a highly skilled doctor of genetics and Summers is a mixed martial artist.
Beast appears before the camera. Despite his fierce exterior, he comes across as a gentle and compassionate intellectual. "Oh, I have no doubts of Logan's ability to prevail. He is a supremely intelligent fellow and while I do not mean to speak ill of religion in general, religious fundamentalism is never a way of life that is conductive to intelligent thought."
Cyclops is less polite in his outlook. "Logan is going to kill Alexander Anderson. It will be no different from killing Ninjas from the Hand or members of Hydra."
Announcer: Leading the way for Team Anderson are two members of the Vatican's own secret police and assassination force Iscariot: Section Thirteen.
A subtitle announces the Japanese nun as Yumie Tagaki. Yumie is a fiery berserker nun whose insanity is only surpassed by Anderson. "We are Iscariot, named for the betrayer apostle Judas. We are not afraid to die and we welcome the oblivion of hell so that we may fight the demons of the pit on their own ground."
Enrico Maxwell is the leader of section thirteen and Alexander Anderson's commanding officer. Maxwell is a grey haired weasel of a man in his late twenties. He is the embodiment of everything that is wrong with the Catholic Church. "I have all faith that Anderson will prevail. He is one of the few who has stood against the vampire Alucard and lived to tell the tale. One hairy Canadian should pose no problem."
Announcer: Former fight doctor Armand Dorian will be on the scene to determine the lethality of the weapons on the flesh of an opponent.
As per usual, Armand is put on the spot. "What's interesting here is that both of these men fight for what they believe is right. The difference is that Wolverine's morals are more fluid while Anderson is far more rigid." He then adds, "Plus it will be fun to work with Beast again. He and I went to medical school together."
Biomedical expert Geoff Desmoulins will use his hefty knowledge in order to gauge which weapon is deadlier.
"When you look at it, both of these guys are very hard to kill. Wolverine was shot with a fifty calibre machinegun nonstop for three months and came out alive. Alexander Anderson took machinegun fire from an entire Brazilian police squad and he didn't even feel it. They're going to have to go for broke in order to kill each other."
And tying up everything with a pretty bow is computer master Max Geiger.
The Afro wearing man gives his two cents. "I can't even begin to guess who's going to win this fight. Both of these guys are next to unkillable. That's why my computer program will sort it out; no bias there." He pauses and then has a thought. "And I'm glad that Wolverine finally killed Sabretooth; that guy was a menace."
Stats:
Wolverine:
True name-James Howlett aka Logan
Height- 5'5''
Weight-167 lbs
Special abilities-Mutant healing factor and animal keen senses
Weapons-Claws, Bren Light Machinegun, flash bang grenade, Captain America's Shield
Alexander Anderson:
True name-Unknown
Height-7'3''
Weight-450 lbs
Special abilities-infinite bayonets in coat, healing factor
Weapons-bayonets, bayonet throw, bible, Helena's nail
Announcer: First in line we test out the short range weapons. Taking point are Wolverine's indestructible adamantium coated claws.

Scott summers stands before a target consisting of three pig carcasses. Each pig carcass hangs from a rope in the middle of the floor; giving Scott plenty of room for slicing and dicing. Geoff prepares by attaching motion trackers on Scott's wrists and on the handheld version claws designed to replicate Logan's claws within a reasonable degree of accuracy.
Almost satisfied with his work, Geoff instructs Scott to move his wrists and arms around. On one of Max's screens, we see a three dimensional movement graph registering the force and velocity of Scott's movement. Max shouts and gives a thumbs up. Everything is ready to begin.
Scott gets into martial arts stance with the artificial hand held claws. Geoff gives the countdown. "Scott, prepare to attack in 3... 2… 1… GO!"
Without a word, Scott attacks. Exhaling sharply as he does, he drives the three claws on his right hand through the heart of the closest pig. Then moving like lightning Scott spins around and spears the other two pigs through the heart at the same time. But he doesn't stop there.
Scott begins to slash and slice at his pig targets. A single slice almost cleanly cuts right through one pig; the dead swine keeps in one piece by a single strip of skin.
Another pig loses its head and another has its guts spilled all over the floor. Even though the pigs are certainly dead, Scott doesn't stop slicing until he gets the word to stop.
The experts all gather around with the show's hosts. Max is utterly stoked by the carnage wrought. "Oh man, it's like you played "connect four" with a dagger."
"Thanks," says Cyclops
Yumie merely scoffs. "You call that carnage? I could do this in my sleep!" the nun boasts.
Maxwell is equally disdainful but he is more subtle about it. "These claws of yours are rather ineffectual. Certainly they cannot compare to the weapon that we bring with us.
Cut to a scene with Yumie standing in front of a cow carcass hanging from the ceiling. In either of her hands are two of Alexander Anderson's trademark bayonets; silver coated pieces of blessed death.
The order is given to strike and Yumie goes at it like a starving dog to a sausage. Her razor sharp blades are a blur and the cow femur is sliced in half like butter. The cow's skull is also split in half; twice as thick as the bone of a human skull.
After that wonderful display of cattle and pig butchering, our experts deliberate.
Geoff talks with his computer expert. "So Max, what's the program say?"
"Well, on the one hand, the bayonets were faster than the claws but Scott was really fast still," Max inputs. "Also, the claws are indestructible."
Armand also adds his professional opinion. "Plus, the claws did more damage per strike. They're three blades in one so there's more damage per strike. It's exactly like the trident; if one point misses the other two won't."
Geoff then speaks. "Neither of these weapons really had any sort of hilt to them but Wolverine has adamantium coated knuckles. Are we going with the claws then?"
All three men nod.
Edge: Claws


Announcer: As our hosts prepare the testing of long range weapons, our teams of experts clash over as to who's fighter is the deadliest.
Beast is ever the polite one. "I believe our dear teammate shall prevail as he has the greater combat experience. Even though the adamantium bone lacing process gave him retrograde amnesia, his implicit memory of combat remained intact."
Maxwell is far less technical and more religious. "Your so called champion has turned away from God, ours has not." The man gives a nasty smirk, "and God is the sole deciding factor of battle."
Scott crosses his arms and scowls behind his ruby sunglasses while Yumie has a look on her face that seems to welcome trouble.
Finally, the long range testing course is ready for a go. In order to make things easier, both long range weapons will be tested outdoors
It will be Beast's job to take the Bren Light Machinegun and prove that it will give Wolverine an edge in this battle.

Max explains the whole setup to Beast. "Okay, we've set up an area which replicates the inside of an Iscariot Church.
This causes concern for Beast. "Shooting the inside of a church? That would seem to be extreme even for Spike TV's rather lax standards."
However it seems to sit okay with Maxwell. "It is alright. The church has decided not to sue Spike TV. We merely threatened the network owners to make us win this match." He positively reeks of gloating.
The news doesn't sit well with Geoff. "What did you say?" but Maxwell ignores him and the test commences.
An area has been set up to look like an Iscariot base set up in a church. There is an Iscariot tapestry on the wall and the walls are made of bulletproof materials. Four dummies are dressed up in everyday clothing (the show does have some standards) and sitting around a table full of weapons and mock documents.
Two dummies are hidden behind faux windows and are programmed to peek in and out of sight from a robotic stand.
In order to avoid an anti-Christian message, no crosses are present in the mock-up "church."
Beast gives his weapon ready, but before he fires his gun he tells a little story; his safety goggles flash in the sun. "I have always enjoyed shooting, but I bet you were not aware that I became a vegan before I grew fur." Then the mutant doctor opens fire with the light machine gun without bothering to use the tripod.
RAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT!
Bullets rip through the silence and punch right through the dummies Papers fly off the table and are splattered with fake blood as the carnage ensues.
One dummy spins in its swivel chair as Beast lets out his frustrations, propelled by the flying of lead and the laws of ballistics. Bullets ricochet off the bulletproof walls with sparks as Beast occasionally misses.
One of the dummies peeks through a small window only to have its pale, featureless head blown off. The second peeking dummy glances out from behind its window and takes a bullet to the throat just as Dr. McCoy runs out of ammo.
Beast takes off his eye and ear protection and shows a satisfied smile. "That was most invigorating."
Announcer: The damage is devastating but the Iscariots believe that theirs is the superior long range weapon.

In the meanwhile, Armand examines the damage on the dummies. He points to the dummy closest to Beast and the first one to get hit. "This guy took at least seven bullets to the liver; he's instantly dead."
Moving over, Armand then points to the other three dummies around the table. "The guy in the spinney chair took three hits just above the liver, narrowly missing a major artery. He's got a few more bullets in him but they're not immediately fatal. It looks like the chair saved his life." The doctor then knocks on the metal swivel chair.
Yumie grins triumphantly. "That is why the Iscariots don't skimp out when we buy furniture."
"The other two guys are dead," Armand comments. "Both of them have taken a bullet to the heart; all other wounds they've taken don't matter."
Everyone cranes their necks to see the damage done to the peeping toms. "That guy's head is missing, even Deadpool couldn't take that kind of damage." He points a gloved hand at the other guy. "This bullet hit the man's windpipe but it was only a glancing blow. It's going to make it extremely hard for him to breath but he's not in any danger of dying."
Maxwell chuckles. "Four of six, hardly stellar shooting, eh freaks?"
Cyclops glares at Maxwell and contemplates pulling off his glasses and frying the insolent worm. "Why don't you just shut up before I do something I really enjoy?"
Yumie picks up Scott's threat and her hands go to her trademark sword but Maxwell stops her.
Announcer: With the data gathered, it's time for the Iscariots to show their stuff.
A similar situation has been set up for the testing of the throwing bayonets. Four figures sit at a table dressed in generic X-men uniforms while two more are rigged to peek in and out of two small "windows."
Maxwell stands at ready with six bayonets tucked into a leather bandolier across his shoulder. He stands roughly the same distance that Beast did from the targets.
Both Beast and Cyclops are sceptical of the bayonets. "I believe that Sean Connery had something to say about bringing guns to knife fights," Beast politely comments.
"It's that the person with the knife winds up dead," Scott blurts.
Maxwell laughs and grabs the first bayonet, feeling the weight of the blade in his hand. "Ye of little faith," he admonishes. He then turns to Geoff and the guys. "You will start this test when I'm done my prayer, is that understood?"
The guys all glance at each other and then glance at Yumie who looks like she's itching for an excuse to put foot to ass.
"Yeah, sure," says Geoff.
Maxwell kneels and says a prayer.

"Most glorious Prince of the Heavenly Armies,

Saint Michael the Archangel,

defend us in our battle against principalities and

powers,

against the rulers of this world of darkness,

against the spirits of wickedness in the high places, amen"

"FIRE!" Geoff screams as he fires up his stop watch.
Maxwell springs up and throws his first bayonet. The long blade flies straight and true and hits the nearest dummy right through the heart.
Without waiting to admire his target, Maxwell grabs the second blade and third blades and throws them in succession. One blade gets a dummy in the eye while another gets a throat shot, exiting through the back of the neck.
Maxwell has to hurry as his blades are much slower than Beast's machine gun. Throwing two more blades at the same time, each bayonet gets either a heart or head shot.
Hair flying and mouth foaming, Maxwell looks like a rabid fanatic as he hurls his last two blades.
The clock stops and Maxwell breaths deeply after the exertion. He may not be as tough as the other Iscariot members but he compensates with skill and accuracy.
Once more, the boys are on the scene assessing the damage. Dorian points to the dummies at the table. "They're all dead."
Max then notices the two peeking dummies. One of them took a bayonet to the temple but the other one took the blade at a funny angle. "What the hell?"
Announcer: According to the high speed camera footage, that particular projectile followed its target.
A bayonet goes flying and follows a dummy as it ducks behind cover.
Max is flabbergasted. "Do you guys have heat seeking bayonets or something?"
Maxwell smiles. "Trade secret; I cannot reveal it."
As the hosts discuss among themselves what weapon is deadlier, the experts take the time to plead their case to the audience as to why their champion will come out on top.
Scott Summers goes first. "If you look at the history of this show, IRA vs. Taliban, Pirate vs. Knight and CIA vs. KGB; the fanatics never win," claims the laser eyes mutant. "The battles most often go to the fighter with the better strategy and the better sets of smarts; Wolverine is the guy who fits the bill."
Yumie Tagaki tells a different story. "It's the fanatics who win on this show!" she shrieks. "Look at the Spartan vs. Ninja or William Wallace vs. Shaka Zulu; those fighters won because they desired victory more. Anderson will crush wolverine like the hulk should have."
The show's hosts then appear before all the assembled experts to explain which weapon is better. Max holds up his arms high like an ancient pagan priest interpreting the will of the gods. "Okay guys, after much deliberation—
The statement hangs in the air and everybody waits with anticipation.
"The bayonets get the edge."
The Iscariots are overjoyed while the X-Men are outraged—actually it's mostly Cyclops who's outraged.
"This is bullshit!" he shouts. "How did a knife beat a gun?"
Geoff explains for the beleaguered X-Man. "While the bayonets did take longer to kill the targets they killed them all. In a fight, a single enemy combatant left alive means that it's not over yet."
Max finishes explaining. "And not to mention that the bayonets go around corners; something that we've never seen in any of the weapons tested before."
Maxwell chooses to taunt Cyclops. "I would advise you to say your prayers, mutie." He chooses to use the derogatory term for a mutant.
Professor Xavier taught Cyclops well; instead of taking off his sunglasses and blasting Maxwell into a sooty stain with his eye beams, Scott goes up to a gel torso dummy and breaks its neck with a well-placed martial arts kick.
Beast goes to comfort his companion. "Cheer up, old friend; we can still take the advantage in the next round and show these pious fools which warrior is the deadliest."
Announcer: Next up the experts will get to test the utility tools

Yumie stands before the camera with a bible in her hand. "Do not let the appearance of an ordinary bible fool you; this is far from it."
"This is a magic, enchanted bible which is one of Paladin Anderson's most important vampire hunting tools."
Beast eyes the seemingly everyday holy book with curiosity. "Fascinating."
"I thought you guys were against witchcraft?" Cyclops demands.
Maxwell answers as he is the slimier of the duo. "Desperate times call for desperate measures in the fight against evil. We adapted sorcery to our arsenal of weapons when we found the witches were teaching women how to read." At this, both Maxwell and Yumie cross themselves as the idea of the man as the head of the household is very important to them and educated feminist women would threaten that ideal.
A foam dummy has been set up for the use of the bible. Yumie elaborates on its various uses. "This special bible can be used to teleport and create spiritual barriers to seal in demons and unholy creatures. It is also a powerful incapacitating tool to hold targets in place for an easy kill."
Geoff nods at this new information. "That's very good, Yumie; because at Max's behest we've cooked up a special test for the trapping bible."
He walks up to the dummy and points out that it seems to be protruding from an underground pit. Everyone moves in to see it.
"This dummy is attacked to a pole attacked to a five hundred pound weight. When the bible is activated the weight will be dropped and we'll see how much weight the bible leaves can hold."
The test is ready to go and everybody is in their assigned places. Yumie stands ready with the bible, demonstrating that not is she only good with a sword but she obviously knows how to throw a baseball style pitch; just not with a baseball this time.
Max gives the countdown. "Get read in 3… 2… 1… FIRE!"
With perfect technique, Yumie tosses the bible forward with astounding speed. In midair, the bible starts to fly apart and the glowing pages scatter.
Then, the pages start to stick together and form long tentacles of holy writ. These bible tentacles grab the arms of the dummy and the head and the latch is released.
The dummy is pulled down but the bible tentacles hold fast. The metal skeleton that the experts have given the dummy keep the arms from being torn off by the great weight.
Announcer: Next, Team Wolverine brings the eardrum bursting power of the flash bang grenade; designed to disorient and confuse foes.
Beast stands in front of a table bull of flash bang grenades. The blue hairy mutant cheerfully passes the explosive device from hand to hand. "This is the flash bang grenade. Among other things, the X-Men have taught Wolverine a greater appreciation for necessary force as opposed to overkill."
"Cowards," Yumie sneers but Beast doesn't even seem to hear her.
The good Doctor goes on. "These are designed to create a bright light and a large noise. These models are designed to incapacitate targets for up to thirty seconds. They have proven highly useful against Wolverine's arch nemesis Sabretooth due to his enhanced hearing and sensitive eyesight."
Maxwell scoffs at this so called weapon. "Fool, you've brought a mere toy to a battle to the death."
Beast clicks his tongue and wags a finger at Maxwell. "Now Archbishop, I would advise you not to disregard this weapon until you've personally experienced one going off in your vicinity."
Yumie shouts at Beast. "This is proof of your weakness, X-Man!"
Scott however isn't about to take any bullshit from the warrior nun. "Look lady, we can hear you just fine; there's no need to shout." This enraged Yumie but once more Maxwell restrains her.
Not to be discouraged, Yumie reaches down and grabs a flash bang from the table and starts to angrily wave it down. "You might as well stop the tests now!" she shouts. "Because we have God on our side and we will never lose!"
Max then hesitantly backs up the X-Men. "Yeah, um, besides; my instruments aren't designed to measure God."
This incenses Yumie further and causes her to wave the grenade about wildly. "How dare you take the lord's name in vain!" The nun begins to curse in Japanese when suddenly the firing pin falls right out of the grenade that she's holding. This shouldn't be possible but maybe it's a faulty grenade.
Either way, Yumie stares in horror at the now live grenade. "Oh crap," she says.
Scott begins to scream for everyone to move. "GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!" Nobody needs to be told twice. Everyone begins sprinting like a gazelle to get away from the grenade that's going to blow up not two feet away from a dozen other flash bang grenades.
As Yumie drops the first flash bang, the others detonate like a string of firecrackers with balls. The concussive force totally blows out the microphones and shatters the lenses of all the cameras.

Technical difficulties: please stand by

Announcer: Despite the problem with the testing of the flash bang grenade, a proper test will commence.

Beast stands before a gel torso dummy with roughly the same proportions as Alexander Anderson. The benevolent mutant smiled and readies his weapon. "In the most accurate sense, this is a less than lethal weapon as no weapon can ever truly be non-lethal. With a bit of finesse, I believe that this weapon may be most potent against the good paladin."
McCoy gets into position with a non-faulty grenade in his hand. Armand has the pleasure of sounding the countdown. "Hank, do you remember when we pranked the girls dorm in med school?"
Beast nods and smiles at his university experience with Armand. "Definitely, brother."
Armand yells at Beast. "It's the same thing; steal the panties off those Iscariots in 3... 2… 1… GO GET 'EM!"
At the word from his old college buddy, Beast leaps forward with superhuman ability. Throwing a powerful punch at the dummy, Beast makes sure to stun his hypothetical target.
The blue mutant then slams down the can shaped grenade on top of the skull, causing a crunch to be heard by all.
Yanking the pin from the less than lethal bomb, Beast takes the grenade and thrusts the device into the mouth of the dummy; knocking out teeth and breaking the jaw as he does.
Beast jumps backwards as the bomb explodes. Normally designed to only stun and disorient, the flash bang causes the dummy's head to explode into bloody fragments.
As Cyclops gives Beast a high five, Armand goes over to congratulate his buddy. Meanwhile, Max and Geoff talk amongst themselves.
"I gotta say man, at first I thought the bible was going to win but now I'm having second thoughts."
Geoff agrees with his man. "Yeah, Beast turned a non-lethal weapon into a lethal one. And also the Bible paper may be strong but can it stand against adamantium coated claws?
Max shakes his head. "I don't think so."
"So grenade then?" Geoff asks.
"Grenade it is."
Edge: Wolverine
Announcer: Special weapons are next. Captain America's shield will be pitted against the legendary Helena's nail.

Geoff and his two partners in crime stand around a table full of equipment, talking amongst themselves. "Okay guys, for our special weapons we have an indestructible shield and a big old nail that turns Alexander Anderson into a giant thorn bush monster. I can guess how we're going to test the first but how the hell are we going to test the latter."
Max deliberates before coming up with a suggestion. "We could stick the nail into a pig carcass or something."
It's a great idea but Armand sees a flaw in it. "That might work but we should try it on a dummy first; we don't want some kind of half pig half thorn monster coming after us. A dummy might have slower thorn growth due to fewer nutrients in the indigenous foam and plastic."
"Either way, we should ask Maxwell; he's the expert," Max advises.
Geoff nods at his two compadres. "Alright, let's get going then."
Soon afterwards, Geoff, Armand and Max approach the guest experts ready for a new round of testing.
The scene cuts to a large RV sitting in one of LA's worst neighbourhoods. The crack of a rifle causes a potential vandal to go for easier prey.

Inside the recreational vehicle, Geoff reloads his rifle and chambers a fresh round. Max is sitting in the driver's seat, tapping his fingers on the steering wheel. Meanwhile, Beast and Armand are sitting at one of the small tables, enjoying a beer together. Maxwell and Yumie are keeping to themselves as the camera watches Scott polish Captain America's shield.
The Camera zooms in on Cyclops polishing the shield and he gives a little history about this particular weapon. "This is Captain America's shield; it's probably the only non-magical weapon in existence that can withstand wolverine's claws. Like a Spartan's shield, it's built in layers so that blows on the shield will be absorbed without damaging the user's arm and it makes a vicious melee weapon."
Cyclops then points to the edges of the shield. "The shield is ergonomically designed to be thrown and caught easily by the user. That's why you always see Captain America tossing it like a Frisbee."
Scott puts down the rag he's been using to clean the shield. "Back in the Second World War, Wolverine and the Captain fought as allies. So we're working under the impression that Wolverine "borrowed" Steve Roger's shield at one time or another. I know for sure that Wolverine once used the Captain's shield to serve h'ordeurves at a cocktail party in Paris; that pissed off Steve a lot."
The camera now shifts back to Max. "What we're going to do here is have Scott go out there and beat up a gang with that shield." He's startled as Geoff fires his rifle at another would be vandal/carjacker.
Max continues to explain what is going to happen. "Anyway, since Scott is a white guy in a nice jacket we figure that he'll have about thirty seconds before the kids in the baggy pants show up to rob and kill him. If things go south, Geoff is standing by with a gun."
At that, the gangs of LA fire several bullets back at Geoff and he ducks as the slugs slam into the metal side of the RV. Geoff starts to rummage around for a better weapon before they're completely surrounded.
As he grabs an Ak-47, Beast approaches Geoff carrying a rocket propelled grenade. "Never fear my friend; when adversity looms on the horizon you must never be afraid to dream big."
Then Beast fires the rocket propelled grenade at the unseen gangs who probably now will think twice about attacking this motor vehicle.
Geoff finishes strapping motion sensors onto Scott's Shield and arm before sending him out. The red sunglasses wearing mutant exits the buss and has about thirty seconds before the "kids with baggy pants" show up to kick his ass.
On the bus, Maxwell and Yumie are praying that Scott gets killed.
Everyone watches in anticipation as the gang members pull out guns and other assorted weapons. One young man points a gun right between Scott's eyes and starts to make threats
For Cyclops, one youth with a gun isn't anywhere near as scary as a score of sentinels bearing down on him so he does the rational thing and clobbers the kid right between his eyes with the shield.
Using his missed Martial arts skills, Scott skilfully deflects the gunfire using the shield while using his legs to lash out at those nearest to him.
Hurling the shield like a discus, Cyclops takes out two gang members with guns while grappling with another three using only his bare hands.
Lunging to grab back the shield, Scott uses the edge of the brightly coloured shield to stop a baseball bat before landing a pelvis shattering blow to his opponent.
Inside the bus, Geoff is busy watching his stopwatch. When thirty seconds are up, Geoff picks up a microphone which is hooked up to a transmitter that communicates with an ear bud that Max gave to Cyclops before he left the bus.
"Scott, we've got enough combat data; end it now."
Pressing a button on his ruby crystal sunglasses, Scott unleashes a powerful eye beam that knocks all the gang members on their asses. The beam was only powerful enough to make these kids consider applying to college—or at least finish high school; a full powered beam from Cyclops is enough to punch a hole through a mountain.
Announcer: Despite a few bullet holes, a flat tire and a missing side mirror, the Deadliest Warrior RV arrives back at the fight club safely and with all the passengers accounted for.
Max, Armand and Geoff come off the bus happily eating burgers despite their harrowing experience in the roughest neighbourhood in town. The Iscariots are in a bad mood, they were hoping that one of the gang members might get in a lethal hit. Better luck next time.
Soon it is time to test out the Iscariots special weapon.
Geoff and his two buddies approach Maxwell and Yumie. "Okay Maxwell," says Geoff. "Can you tell us a bit about the Nail of Helena?"
Maxwell nods. "Of course, my son. The Nail of Helena is one of the original nails from the true cross. It has actually gone through the unspoiled flesh of Jesus Christ."
Max chooses that moment to add in his opinion. "Doesn't it seem sacrilegious to use a holy artefact like that as a weapon?"
"Of course not," Yumie huffs. "If it can kill the enemies of the true and universal church then it can only be a good thing."
Geoff nods. He doesn't like working with fanatics like these but he doesn't get to pick the experts who appear on the show. "Alright then; do you want to pull out the nail so that we can get started on the testing?"
Maxwell suddenly seems hesitant. "Well, I can't actually do that."
This shocks the three men. Armand speaks up. "What do you mean? Don't you have the nail?"
Maxwell rubs the back of his head and hesitates. "Um . . . the truth is that I don't have it."
Geoff's eyes widen. This could ruin the show and put them behind schedule. "Did someone steal Helena's nail?"
Maxwell sighs, "Not exactly; the last pedophilia lawsuit against me left me in very bad financial shape. You understand that I absolutely had to loan the nail to the Myth busters for a few thousand dollars; just to be able to pay for my and Yumie's plane tickets."
Geoff is totally pissed off by this revelation. "Maxwell, you cocksucker, you've completely screwed up our show. It's not like I've got a whole box of Helena's nails just lying around."
"I know, I know." Protests an atypically disheartened and defensive Maxwell. Even the berserker Yumie has little to add over Maxwell's screw up.
"I'm going to have to tell Max to totally rework the tests and never mind what I'm going to have to tell to the marketing guys who put Helena's nail in the promos for this episode!"
Luckily Max appears and he has a solution to the problem. "Guys, I have a friend who knows the Mythbusters and I'm pretty sure if I get on the phone with him right now we can probably still release this episode on schedule."
Geoff immediately stops being angry. "Max, you're a lifesaver; I'm going to buy you a beer after this."
Max and Geoff walk away to get Armand, leaving Yumie and Maxwell alone. When the two hosts are gone, Yumie puts a hand around Maxwell and comforts him. "Don't worry, Archbishop; I'm sure that stupid little boy was just trying to get attention when he accused you of touching him."
Announcer: And so it's off to Mythbusters territory. Where the team will—
Mythbusters Announcer: Take a step back fellah; I'm taking over for the time being.
Deadliest Warrior Announcer: Oh fiddlesticks
Mythbusters Announcer: So with the boys in trouble, it's off to Adam and Jamie

The scene changes. Armand, Geoff and Max are all standing with Adam Savage and Jamie Hyneman; two men with more than thirty years of special effects experience between them.
"Just let me start by saying that I'm a huge fan of you guys," says the bespectacled Adam.
"Yeah," adds Jamie from behind his big walrus moustache. "You guys are an inspiration to anyone who blends science with entertainment. So what can we do for you today?"
Geoff levels with the Mythbuster in chief. "Well Jamie, Enrico Maxwell promises us Helena's nail and then we found out that he gave it to you guys. We were wondering if we could put up our own sensors and software when you guys test the nail. We really need that data."
Adam runs a hand through his thinning red hair. "I got no problem with that. What do you think, Jamie?"
Jamie has no issue either. "As long as you guys agree to share the data you gather then we've really got no issue. Consider yourselves part of our crew."
Max pumps a fist in the air and whispers, "YES!" it's a dream come true for him.
MB Announcer: So with the Deadliest Warrior boys ready to rock, it's time to prune some thorns.
Jamie and Adam are sitting in their cluttered workshop full of miscellaneous junk. There's a Discovery channel logo at the bottom of the screen as well as a caption that reads "Vampire Special."
"So we've come to the big finale," says Adam. "Helena's nail; the magic nail which will allow its user to become a vampire killing thorn bush monster of god."
Jamie blinks his watery eyes. "That is easily the most random vampire hunting weapon I've ever heard of."
He then picks up a big wooden stake while Adam fiddles with a string of garlic. "So how do you want to do this?"
Adam picks up a magnifying glass and looks through it at the camera. "Well, Archbishop Maxwell said that it had to be driven through the heart of the faithful. So I say that we use a surrogate instead of driving it through our own hearts."
"Buster," says Jamie; referring to their faithful testing dummy
"Buster," Adam agrees
The testing for Helena's nail is done outside in a rocky area where the Mythbusters tested their "fish in a barrel episode."
Buster, a sad looking and beat up crash test dummy hangs from a stand like a classroom anatomy skeleton. Silently, Buster watches with dignified resignation as everyone gets their guns ready.
Max is working with Adam to set up the sensors.
Geoff appears on camera to explain what's going on. "Well, Max and Adam are setting up the pig carcasses."
Max and Adam are playing around with a pig carcass and generally geeking out together.
"They're covering the pigs with pressure sensors to test the crushing power of the vines. Also, half of the pig carcasses are being injected with vampire blood while the other half will be left as is."
The camera switches over to Jamie, eyes peeking from under his beret. "It's lucky we had the Deadliest Warrior guys here. They've got a seemingly unlimited supply of pig carcasses."
Armand is helping set up Buster and put sensors all over him. "We get the pig carcasses from a local slaughterhouse owned by D.R. Moreau Meats. Geoff is friends with the owner so we get volume discounts."
MB Announcer: As the sensors are set up, our experts turn to safety concerns.
Cue a big black SUV rolling onto the testing area.
Adam then appears once more with his easily recognizable hat. "According to the information the Vatican sent us, the nail of Helena will turn Buster into a killing machine so we've come prepared."
MB Announcer: Enter the auxiliary Mythbusters: Kari Byron, Tory Belleci and Grant Imahara.
The three auxiliaries are standing around a dangerous looking contraption while holding dangerous looking guns. Kari speaks for the trio. "Adam and Jamie are going to use some funky voodoo to bring Buster to life."
Tory speaks next. "And if that happens; we think that Buster is going to be pretty pissed off at Adam and Jamie."
Grant brandishes his automatic shotgun dramatically. "Then we'll be ready to take Buster down."
Tory then gestures to the big machine behind him. "This here is a homemade flamethrower; fuelled with homemade napalm. I've got a dozen barrels of the stuff at home."
MB Announcer: With the guns ready to go, all that's left is to give the go ahead.
Buster hangs with dignity from a metal frame but now he's got a jury rigged device which is set to plunge Helena's nail into where Buster's heart would be if he were human.
The Deadliest Warrior boys and the auxiliary Mythbusters are ready with assorted automatic weapons. Adam is manning Tory's homemade flamethrower; he's even got the pilot light fired up.
Meanwhile, Jamie now has a massive Gatling gun protruding from atop the black SUV and he's got six thousand rounds of ammunition ready to burn.
Deadliest Warrior Announcer: And since I've got nothing to do I'd just like to say that Max, Geoff and Armand left the experts back at the gas station on the way over.
Maxwell and his nun are sitting side by side with the two X-Men. They've been sitting in front of the Shell Station for a few hours now and it's getting pretty hot.
"Fuck it," says Scott. "I'm calling a taxi."


MB Announcer: The moment of truth has arrived.
As Jamie signals the countdown, Armand realizes something. "Oh shit; we left the others back at the gas station!"
Jamie and Adam look at the camera before the go ahead. "Don't try this at home," says Jamie.
"We're what you call experts," says Adam."
And with a metallic snap, the homemade rig drives the nail into Buster's heart and all hell breaks loose. First, thick, dangerous looking thorns start to sprout all over buster's body.
Even more disturbing though is when Buster's eyes open up and he actually talks to Jamie and Adam.
"I'll swallow your souls," hisses a now animate and highly vengeful Buster.
Adam merely narrows his eyes at Buster and says. "Burn in hell." The Mythbuster in chief then shouts to everybody else. "Okay, drop him!"
Shotgun and machinegun fire rips through the silence as tentacles of razor sharp vines start to shoot out in all directions. One rope of vine hits a pig carcass and the dead swine instantly bursts into flames like so much tenderloin.
Another pig gets totally engulfed in vines but fails to burst into flames. Instead, the vines just grow around the pig and completely cocoon it.
Vines fly at the living human beings but are quickly shot down by Tory, Grant and Kari. The three helpers of Adam and Jamie set theirs jaws firm and try not to piss their pants as they unleash hot lead against the normally docile dummy, Buster.
Meanwhile, Geoff, Max and Armand are fighting for their lives as killer thorns fly at them like angry ex-wives looking for a killer divorce settlement. Max screams as a thorn tentacle grabs him around the ankle but a well-placed bullet form Geoff saves the computer geek. "I didn't sign up for this shit!" Max protests!
While that happens, the Gatling gun and the flamethrower have been tossed into the match. Adam holds back the thorns with a wall of flames; he and Buster glare at each other like hated enemies.
Jamie is totally dispassionate as he fires an ungodly steam of bullets both at the thorns and at Buster. The thorns crumble before the bullets like cotton candy in rain but every bullet that hits buster instantly regenerates with more thorns to replace his rapidly dwindling supply of fire resistant synthetic flesh. Without Helena's Nail, Buster would be blown away in seconds.
Suddenly, Jamie hits a hidden button inside the SUV. Cleverly designed by Adam, a huge electromagnet activates and it grabs onto the nearest metal object: Helena's nail.
Buster's warped features full of hatred are stamped with shock as the nail is yanked out of his heart. Instantly, the vines go limp and start turning brown and brittle. Buster also loses the spark of life and collapses on the floor like Pinocchio's fucked up cousin.
Within minutes, everything is quiet and everyone standing around buster. The thorns are largely disintegrated; there isn't much left of buster except a hand, a leg and his face, which has now become once more an expression of resigned dignity; as if he's sorry that he tried to kill Jamie and Adam.

Jamie and Adam are back in their workshop, all rested and relaxed after the day's chaos. Adam says to his good buddy, "So is this myth confirmed?"
The laconic Jamie speaks. "I'd say it's plausible. Sure the Helena's Nail is one hell of way to kill vampires; those vampire infected pigs were burned up in exactly two point five seconds."
"Yeah," Adam concedes. "But the non-vampire piggies were only severely injured; not killed by the vines."
"Yes," Jamie states. "And the thing is that this nail is a weapon of last resort."
Adam sees his companion's wisdom and promptly brings out a case of beer. Taking one for himself and one for his pal, he proposes a toast. "To Buster; I can't stay made at him for long. And I hope the Deadliest Warrior guys got the data they wanted."
Jamie cracks open his beer but doesn't drink. "I'll drink to that."
Before he can do that though; Scott, Beast, Yumie and Maxwell all barge into the workshop looking for Geoff and company. Everyone is mighty pissed off when they get told that they've already left the building and gone back to the fight club.
The screen shows a goofy animation of Max, Armand and Geoff hopping into a red hot-rod car and peeling off into the sunset.
Announcer: At last; this show has a real announcer again. With the proper data gathered; it's time for Max to upload everything and let the simulation begin.
The screen shows Max typing away while his two buddies look on expectantly.
Announcer: It will be a fight between bestial fury
Wolverine charges through the arctic night and unsheathes his claws and roars before attacking a full grown grizzly bear.
Vs. pious murder
Anderson uses his bayonets not just to kill a group of enemy soldiers, but to dismember and disembowel them. While he does this, he laughs and quotes the bible
Government weapon
Wolverine howls with agony and fury as he is strapped down and experimented on by the scientists at the Weapon X project.
Vs. God's monster
Anderson drives Helena's nail through is heart and becomes a thorn ridden abomination who starts to kill everything around him.
Let the battle begin
Max hits the enter key and the simulation starts. Cue Battle Music

---

Simulation:
Run for your lives! London is burning! The bad old days of the London Blitz have come back!
The Nazi organization Millennium unleashes their terrible vampire army upon the capital of Britain.
The streets are in ruins; littered with dead bodies and pools of blood deep enough to swim in. Nazi Vampires prowl the streets; immune to conventional ammo they kill nearly without fear of reprisal.
Alucard is trapped at sea and Hellsing is overwhelmed but there are those who still resist.
The superhero group known as the X-Men take the fight back to Millennium. Colossus charges into the Nazi hordes with the same power with which his ancestors once crushed the Fuhror's finest soldiers at Kursk.
Cyclops uses his optic beam to shoot down a zeppelin like a clay pigeon before shooting down the missiles in the air.
Psychic Jean Grey corrals the ghouls created by vampire bites and stopping the spread of this unholy infection.
Meanwhile, the yellow clad hero Wolverine is showing these bozos why he's known as the best at what he does. With slice and dice; he gets revenge on these villainous scum for all the pain they've caused.
A Nazi vampire goes down from a massive blade wound to the heart—but it wasn't wolverine's doing that this freak of nature is dead.
From the shadows, scores of bayonets fly and lodge in undead Nazi flesh. The blades don't strike the heart but the blessings are so powerful the vampires melt into piles of fat, blood and guts.
Wolverine knows not who this new player is but if he's killing Nazis then he may as well be doing Logan a favour.
The last Nazi vampire panics and fires his weapon into the shadows. A shape appears; nothing is visible of him except his great size and the twisted grin he wears on his face.
The shadowy figure slashes at the Nazi but doesn't quite behead him; he turns the undead creature into a pez dispenser.
The eyes of the undead Nazi are full of fear as none other than Alexander Anderson steps out of the shadows. Foregoing his trademark bayonets; Anderson grabs the Nazi and throws a punch right in his midriff. The mighty fist of the Paladin punches a bowling ball sized whole in the vampire.
Grinning and smiling, Anderson throws his woefully underpowered opponent to the ground and starts to pound him with his bare fists.
Logan watches dispassionately. It's like watching the Hulk beat on an ant; but the Hulk never had such a look of sadistic glee in his eyes nor the foam at his mouth.
With his white gloves stained blood red, Anderson grabs two bayonets of his. His body language indicates that he's not interested in cooperation with Wolverine.
The Big Scotsman recites a gruesome bible passage.

"I have wiped out many nations, devastating their fortress walls and towers. Their cities are now deserted; their streets are in silent ruin. There are no survivors to even tell what happened.

Be patient; the time is coming soon when I will stand up and accuse these evil nations

For it is my decision to gather together the kingdoms of the earth and pour out my fiercest anger and fury on them

AMEN!"

Well, that shit may work on neophyte vampires, rookies and possibly Deadpool but it doesn't cut any ice with Wolverine.
Logan taps his claws together as if inviting Anderson to fight. "Bub," he says. "Fuck you."
Temporarily stunned at such disrespect given to him by the Canadian mutant, Anderson decides that he doesn't care and presses his attack.
Anderson charges at Wolverine like a bullet train. With fluidity that bespeaks of hours of daily practice, Anderson thrusts his bayonets forward to drive the points into Wolverine's eyes.
Wolverine however utilizes his animal like reflexes and jumps out of the way just in time. Ducking under the deadly blades, Logan swipes out and slices off Anderson's cross.
This action enrages the priest and Anderson spins around and jams his bayonets into Wolverine's chest.
Logan cannot scream as his lungs are shredded. Anderson doesn't just stab, he saws back and forth with his blades like he's trying to cut a cake.
Out of reflex, Wolverine thrusts his claws back and forth into Anderson's heart but the berserk giant doesn't even seem to feel it.
Luckily, Wolverine has more tools than just his claws. Anderson is thrown backwards by a hail of machinegun fire. Logan has drawn the Bren light machinegun from his back and unloaded it fully right into Anderson's neck.
Wolverine gurgles blood as his healing factor desperately works to repair his damaged and shredded organs. As Wolverine painfully reloads his gun, he sees Anderson prone on the ground.
And just as quickly as he fell, Anderson is back up again with that same damn grin on his face. Logan hates people who won't stop grinning. It puts him in the mood to spoil their day.
Anderson charges forward crying the word of god but this time Logan has a plan. In the light of burning building, he flings an object at Anderson. Not thinking straight, Anderson slices the object in half, only to cause the flash bang grenade to explode.
Anderson cried out in shock as he tripped and slammed his head into the concrete façade of a building.
Hurting both from the impact and from embarrassment, Anderson growled to himself and held his ears. His vision and eyesight returned preternaturally fast; especially for one with senses as sensitive as his own.
Wolverine charged Anderson with his machinegun, trying to aim for the knees of the big man so he could get him down long enough to slice his head off.
Unexpectedly, Anderson threw his bible at Wolverine. Not thinking about it, Wolverine shot at the book and continued shooting at the priest.
Suddenly, the bible exploded and the pages began to glow. The leaves formed long tentacles which wrapped around Logan's arms and legs. The enchanted bible held him fast; he could not even get enough leverage to slice the pages with his adamantium coated claws.
To Wolverine's great displeasure, he sees Anderson pick up a one ton pickup truck and hold it over his head like it was made of air.
Anderson has heard of Wolverine's reputation; so he figured that smashing Wolverine into a pulp with one ton of steel should put him down a bit.
The giant Vatican assassin chuckled as he slammed the truck down on Wolverine with the full extent of his strength. Lifting up for another swing, he could see that Wolverine was now a total mess. Not letting up, Anderson hit Wolverine again, again, and again until he lost count of how many times he'd swatted the heathen mutant.
Looking down, Anderson's eyes widened with shock. Wolverine was gone; nothing left, not even adamantium bones.
Scanning around, Anderson frantically looked for his opponent. He knows where to look when someone taps on his shoulder.
Wolverine is stuck to the underside of the truck Anderson has been hitting him on the head with. Logan is an unrecognizable mess of mutilated flesh and adamantium bones but it's all skin deep.
Lashing out with a nearly skeletal arm, Wolverine slices Anderson's right arm off. Anderson stumbles and falls as he loses control of the vehicle he's holding and it lands right on him. This however causes Wolverine to become unstuck from the bottom of the truck.
Anderson shakes off the vehicle that landed on his head but he doesn't have much time before his head is totally clipped of by Wolverine.
Logan's muscles and other body parts are healing, but not at an equal rate. At least he got the bastards head, but he really oughtn't to get too comfortable.
In that instant, Anderson's arm shoots out and grabs his severed head in mid-air. Then, still smiling, Anderson takes his head and puts it back on like a hat.
Logan would be worried about that, except right at this moment a giant flaming zeppelin shot down by Cyclops is about to crash land right into where he and Anderson are standing. As the nose of the zeppelin fills everything, Wolverine takes his time to curse that one eyed fuckwit, Scott Summers.
Wolverine comes too an unidentified amount of time later in the burning hanger of the zeppelin. He's got the worst headache in history but barring that, Logan is feeling alright. The feral mutant shakily gets to his feet. His uniform is torn and his gun is gone but at least he still has a few flash bangs.
Stumbling around the burning hanger, Wolverine spots loads of treasure; gold and artwork and such things. Why the Nazis would bother bringing all their treasure with them on this pointless suicide mission, Logan doesn't know. But a piece of red white and blue catches his eye.
There in the debris is the original shield of Captain America from before the Cap' froze in the ice. Not knowing if he might find real weapons, Wolverine hefts up the shield and straps it to his arm.
Pleased with the fit and heft of the weapon, Wolverine doesn't have long to admire it
The ceiling opens up like a can being torn open by a maniac hungry for soup with no can opener. Thorny plants start to crawl through the opening at unnatural speed and they soon wrap themselves around everything.
Frantically, Logan attacks the thorny vines with his claws and the shield of Captain America.
Worse comes as the thorns arrange themselves into a giant forty foot tall cross. From that giant cross a humanoid shape forms. That humanoid shape gains grey robes and a priests cross; it also gains that same damn smile.
Anderson is back!
Wolverine has no idea how Anderson turned into the catholic version of Poison Ivy but he doesn't like it.
Raising his arm like a black magician, Anderson raises one arm and clenches his fist. From that first, more thorns issue forth and weave themselves until they form a giant forty foot Jesus.
The thorn Jesus stares at Wolverine; a twisted blasphemy disguised as a blessing.
Anderson stands before wolverine; half of his face turned to a mass of twisting thorns; it looks very much like the snakes of Medusa. For Anderson has indeed become a monster.
"Alucard has fallen," Anderson crows. To prove his claim he tosses a large black gun to the floor; it's Alucard's gun the Jackal. The No-Life King has fallen and a new monster has taken the throne.
Anderson thrusts a finger at Wolverine. "Ye are fucked, Wolverine!" Logan stiffens at this. Evidently Anderson has graduated beyond quoting the bible. "And mah cock ye will suck!"
Like Hell Wolverine would let that happen.
"This world will belong ta God and ye an' the X-Men shall perish!" Power has gone to Anderson's head and he's now corrupt as Bishop Maxwell. Anderson raises a massive chain with bayonets clipped it at intervals. He swings around this gruesome weapon like the gardener's edition of Ghost Rider.
Not willing to give up, the short Canadian bats away the bayonet chain with the shield. Howling at the top of his lungs, wolverine takes a flying leap and lands right in front of Anderson. They are face to face like Hulk Hogan and Andre the Giant.
Anderson is amused by Logan's boldness but he honestly rates the mutant just below an insect. Nothing can harm him. If Alucard and his thirty million captive souls couldn't take him down, if Charles Xavier's psychic attacks couldn't stop him then what hope did one hairy misfit have.
Anderson laughed and kept smiling. Oh, Logan hated that smile. So he brought up the shield and busted Anderson in the pearly whites with the metal rim.
There was a comical metal "bonk" noise as Anderson's head snapped back. Looking only amused, Anderson spat out a tooth. The missing front tooth stood out on the man's large, white teeth. Anderson chuckled—and then stopped when he saw three grenade pins around Logan's finger.
Looking down, Anderson saw a gash in his stomach heal up, but not before he saw the three live flash bang grenades in his thorny innards.
He snapped his head up and looked at Logan with numb shock on his face. Now it was Logan's turn to grin.
Acting quickly, the feral mutant slammed Anderson in the head with the shield before jumping away.
The grenades inside him blew Anderson apart, sending a large fleshy lump flying through the air. It was Anderson's heart.
It was flying right at him. Anderson's heart was covered in little roots and had a big iron nail sticking through it but it was still recognizable for what it was.
The pieces of Anderson were rapidly reforming. A reformed arm stretched like an elastic band and Anderson's face twisted into a look of horror. The forty foot thorn Jesus sprang to life and lunged at Logan like some video game boss from God of War 3. It wasn't enough.
A flash in the darkness and the admantium claws sliced Helena's nail in half. A scream tore out of Anderson's half reformed body. The fight was done.
Anderson groaned and Wolverine sat still as a beast waiting to pounce.
Anderson spoke, totally abandoning his fake Scottish accent. "Sorry about the whole trying-to-kill-you thing." His voice was enriched by a barely detectable Boston accent. Blood poured from the spot where his heart would have been and the thorns were turning brown and brittle. Anderson was turning brown and brittle.
Wolverine did not speak, he only listened.
"Listen, maybe I went too far," Anderson joked weakly. He was smiling now, but it was a weak and apologetic smile.
As his body and all the thorns began to crumble, Anderson spoke. "Listen, just because I wanted to kill all you loved doesn't mean we can't be friends. No hard feelings . . . bub."
Wolverine said nothing as Anderson gurgled and crumbled into nothing. He took the appropriate course of action. He pulled a cigar out of his pocket and lit it using a burning Nazi flag.

WOLVERINE WINS!

Fight Statistics:
Wolverine:
Claws-170 kills
Bren Light Machine gun-270 kills
Flash Bang Grenade-30 kills
Captain America's Shield-70 kills
Alexander Anderson:
Bayonets-90 kills
Thrown Bayonets-350 kills
Bible-0 kills
Helena's Nail-20 kills
Max appears before the camera. "In our testing with the Mythbusters, we found the shield to be more effective than Helena's nail."
Cut to footage of Scott fighting against and Buster coming to life.
"Yes the nail grants its users superpowers and thorns but against the non-vampire pigs those thorns were merely cripplingly painful and not fatal. Those thorns could be fatal over time as they cocooned the victim but they don't have the instant fatality of the shield."
Geoff appears before the camera. "What can I say? Fanatics never win. That's why they always die in real life."
Armand then shows up. "Whatever it was, I was just glad to meet my old college buddy. We met with the X-Men about an hour ago and to make up for it me and Beast are going out to pick up girls in bars."
Suddenly Maxwell and Yumie storm onto the stage. Maxwell immediately begins cursing. "What's this sacrilege! What's this bullshit!"
Before anyone can say anything, Maxwell holds out his hands. "I don't care. It doesn't matter to God and his children." He then lets out a long, contrived laugh of a man who knows that he's beaten.
The threatens the hosts. "You may have manipulated the results but Jesus sees into your hearts. We'll meet again one day." He laughs again and Yumie has to drag him away before they miss their plane. "You got a date, boys!
Geoff turns to his buddies. "That guy's cracking. Another pedophilia lawsuit was filed against him while we were filming the show and the Vatican is calling him back."

Meanwhile

Alucard is watching this episode of Deadliest Warrior on his TV. He's mad at having lost to Dante but he's pleased as hell that Anderson lost. As soon as he sees the words, he falls back into his dirty reclining chair and laughs his evil head off.
Suddenly he remembers something and realizes. "Oh shit! I was supposed to pick up Police Girl from the zoo twelve hours ago!" Jumping out of his hair, Alucard runs to borrow Walter's car without permission.

---

Thanks for reading, duckies. It's been wonderful. I love you all and wish you a happy new year. The idea of Anderson being from Boston is non-canon and it's totally my idea. Feel free to use it. His nationality is listed as unknown after all.
Next match I'll do my own combo followed by a viewer request.
Next time will be Raiden of Metal Gear vs. General Grievous of Star Wars. It's going to be the battle of the cyborgs.
Till next time, stay tuned ladies and gentlemen :D
Ta
I am Master of the Boot