Lynch vs Revy

Deadliest Warrior: Lynch vs. Revy

Disclaimer: I do not own Deadliest Warrior, Black Lagoon or Kane and Lynch.

Author's note: Hey folks, did you hear? It's confirmed that on Deadliest Warrior they're going to do a Zombie vs. Vampire episode this season. I vote for vampires because they're the thinking enemies of this little game. So what do you think?

And just so you know, Lynch is the guy in the foreground of the picture.

Enjoy the show :D

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Announcer: James Lynch

The camera shows a middle aged man with receding, shoulder length hair. He's wearing aviator sunglasses and holding a gun to the head of a bound and gagged girl.
In two thousand and nine, he and his partner Adam "Kane" Marcus led a two man crime spree and waged a war against decency, morality and the law.
The camera shows Kane and Lynch engaged in an epic gun battle with a SWAT team. Bodies and brass casings are everywhere.
Announce: Rebecca "Revy" change
Depicts a brunette women with two handguns, a sexy outfit and a psychotic gleam in here eye as she stands behind a stack of perforated corpses.
The main muscle behind the Black Lagoon Mercenary company. Her ambidextrous, eagle eye marksmanship and sadistic nature have secured her a place as one of the most feared gun fighters in Roanapur's seedy underworld.
Remy charges recklessly into a firefight, shooting a man in the balls and laughing because of it.
Announcer: Two psychos who carved a bloody path of destruction and mayhem to make criminal history.
Lynch and Revy appear with guns blazing behind an exploding backdrop as they charge at each other screaming.
Announcer: But which of these two homicidal maniacs, which of them would prevail in a fight.
Here at our LA based fight club, we've brought together doctors, scientists and military specialists.
The camera shows a Geoff Desmoulins, black belt, former soldier and biomedical expert. "This is a criminal on criminal match; meaning that these are two down and desperate people who will literally do anything to get what they want. It'll be my job to see the effectiveness of the weapons they bring to this."
Announcer: Fight doctor Armand Dorian will have the task of judging the severity of the injuries inflicted.
Armand stands before a rack of deadly looking guns. "As a former ER doctor I've seen more than my fair share of gunshot and knife wounds. Frequently I'd be required to treat criminals who'd leave the hospital the moment they were stabilized. I believe that makes me uniquely qualified for this match here."
Computer expert Max Geiger will crunch the data on his high tech computer program.
"This is going to be a five on five squad battle," Max explains. "Just in case one lucky bomb or bullet gets a kill. This way we can measure the skill of our respective warriors."
Who would win in a fight between a mercenary
Revy rides in a speed boat and fires a RPG at a cruise ship they intend to take hostage
And a bank robber
Lynch blows off the head of one of the hostages during a shootout with the police, just because he can.
In a fight with a medicated psychopath
Lynch eyes evilly the last pill in his pill bottle as the cops overrun everything
Versus a woman with no fear
Revy is in a seedy bar and a dozen men have guns pointed at her. Undaunted, she head-butts a man and takes his gun.
Announcer: These and four outside experts will join forces to evaluate the lethality of two of modern time's most notorious criminals. It's a duel to the death to decide . . .

WHO

IS

DEADLIEST?

The fight club is in a frenzy of activity as everybody works overtime to get things back on schedule.
The camera pans in on a heavily scarred man as he pounds on a punching bag with a set of brass knuckles.
Announcer: Representing Lynch is his partner, Adam "Kane" Marcus.
Kane is a bitten, worn veteran of a hundred gun and knife fights as well as a survivor of torture. Dressed in a nice but inconspicuous suit, his mean, abused face would give even the most hard-core psychos reason to stop and think.
"The reason I think Lynch is the deadliest warrior is because I've personally fought with him. He's a medicated psychopath with a tenuous grasp on reality, no sense of responsibility for his actions and enough talent with a gun to shoot a man in the head from a thousand yards away."
Kane sniffs in disgust, as if he's not proud to have worked with and known Lynch. "This Revy woman will be no problem."
Announcer: Leading team Revy is the leader and founder of the Black Lagoon mercenary company, a man who only identifies as Dutch
Dutch is a middle aged but very fit African-American man wearing sunglasses and a flak jacket. From his swagger, he's confident without being cocky and is intelligent to boot.
"I'm not kidding when I say that Revy is one of the most feared killers in Ronoapur. It's a hard world she lives in and she's all the harder. She's still notorious back in her home town of Chicago." Dutch pauses to adjust his sunglasses.
"I seriously doubt that a slightly fat middle aged guy in need of a haircut is going to be able to kill Revy, even with the help of four other guys."
Announcer: Also assisting team Revy is Japanese salaryman Rokuro "Rock" Okajima. And for Team Lynch we have returning Mafia historian and descendant, Thomas Bonanno who is a personal friend of Lynch.
"Revy is the best fighter I know," says Rock, trying to sound tough but failing miserably despite his time in one of the most lawless places on earth. "I just know that she's going to win."
Thomas Bonanno is a kindly looking old man in glasses who's holding up a baseball bat like he knows how to use it. He is sceptical of how tough Revy is. "Two weeks ago, I rented The Matrix from Blockbusters. Then before the videos were due back, they called me to tell me I had late fees." A ghost of a smile graces the old man's face. "So I called Lynch and together we burned down the Blockbusters along with all the employees; The Matrix has never looked better."
It's time for the hosts to give their customary predictions.
"I'm going to give it to Revy on this one," says Geoff. "Not many people have the skill to survive, let along gain the respect of infamous crime bosses like Bai Ji-Shin Chang and Balalaika. For that alone I give the edge to her."
Armand appears next. "I'm going to be giving my vote to Lynch on this one. He may be a little past his prime, but he did fight and kill several gangsters under the employ of Hsing while naked and covered in multiple lacerations from torture. Anybody who can do that nude and badly bleeding has got to have some fight in them; edge, Lynch."
Max appears before his computer. "I'm going to reserve judgement until I've seen the weapons. Both of these fighters seems equally tough to me; my guess is that the hardware they bring will be what makes the difference."
Stats
Lynch:
Age-43
Weight-187 lbs.
Height-5'10''
Weapons- Colt M4A1, Desert Eagle Handgun, bowling ball, Colt M4A1
Felonies: homicide, armed robbery, bank robbery, smuggling, racketeering, grand theft
Revy:
Age-27
Weight-138 lbs.
Height-5'6''
Weapons-double Beretta 92F custom, mini Uzi, Type 56 Assault Rifle, circular saw
Felonies: homicide, piracy, armed robbery, drug smuggling and possession
Announcer: First in the medium range weapons line is the Benelli Super 90

Everyone is standing before the desert firing range where the crew typically test firearms. Kane stands before everybody with a stylish looking shotgun clenched in one hand. Off to the side, Rock and Dutch stand and look at Kane with critical eyes. Meanwhile, Thomas Bonanno sips on a cool bottled drink to keep chill in the blazing sun.
"This here is the Benelli M1 Super 90 shotgun," Kane explains. "It holds seven rounds in the magazine plus one additional shell in the chamber."
The camera zooms in as Kane shows us the side of the gun. Pulling back a knob, he opens up the firing chamber for all to see. "Unlike many shotguns it has a special slide feature around the firing chamber in case you want to pop in another shell or just a specialty round."
He hefts the gun into shooting position and continues with his educational spiel. "It has ghost ring sights and as far as shotguns go it's fairly accurate even at twenty feet."
"Bullshit," calls Rock. "Our weapon is much better than that."
"Shut up, ya little yellow bastard," Wheezes Thomas. His "yellow" statement will probably cause a lawsuit for the network."
Geoff and the crew nod at Kane and his weapon. "Okay Kane," says Geoff. "We need you to put your money where your mouth is and show us what that gun can do."
In front of everybody is a gel torso dummy on a metal stand; one more sacrifice in the name of entertainment and education.
The countdown is given and Kane gets to go nuts with the shotgun. From twenty feet away, he fires a blast that decapitates the dummy. Everything above the lower jaw just explodes into a mash.
A second shotgun blast punches a softball sized hole right over the heart and turns the heart into shapeless masses of meat.
Kane doesn't stop until he's completely empties seven shells into the dummy. When the dust has cleared the dummy looks more like a shapeless mass of gelatine and fake organs.
Chatting happily, the guys walk over to examine the wreckage.
Armand begins to examine after putting on his gloves. "Well, it's almost completely destroyed; the organs are unrecognizable." He begins to examine the wounds in depth. "This gun gets really good grouping. The buckshot is so clustered together."
Kane nods and explains. "Well, when you fire a shotgun you won't hit a whole wall of a house. With a gun like this, the choke on the barrel concentrates the buckshot. In a way, it's a lot like firing a rifle."
To the side, Dutch laughs humourlessly. "A shotgun is not a rifle; an idiot could tell you that."
Rock laughs but he knows next to nothing about guns. He's the negotiator of the mercenary company, not a soldier.
Thomas Bonanno snipes at the Black Lagoon crew. "Oh you think?" At this, he takes the gun from Kane and points it casually at Rock, causing the man to panic and try to jump out of the way. "Nice of you to say so."
Luckily for Rock, the gun Thomas is holding is empty.
Before things can get any uglier they move onto the next test.
Dutch is shown holding up what looks like the Uzi's baby brother. "This is the mini Uzi; Revy likes to use these for assassination missions in crowded streets."
Shows a cut scene of a man in a busted up car in Ronoapur's busy streets. The last thing he sees as he turns to his right is Revy's grinning face as she unloads the mini Uzi into him, splattering blood everywhere.

Dutch elaborates, "This thing has a firing rate of around 950 bullets per minute due to it having a shorter bolt than a regular Uzi and it's lightweight and easy to conceal; perfect for our line of work."
"You call that a gun?" scoffs Thomas Bonanno. "I gave one of those to my niece for her birthday."
Dutch isn't put off by the old man. "This gun is a killer, old man. Revy made the afterlife a lot more crowded with this weapon."
Announcer: For this test, a drive by shooting has been simulated.
Inside a car there are two gelatine dummies designed to replicate human flesh and bone. The job of the shooter will be to take out those two targets.
Unfortunately the motorcycle broke down so we had to borrow Geoff's daughter's bike.
Dutch and Rock are riding a bike. It's a pink bike with streamers and a basket. Dutch is sitting in the basket with the mini-Uzi while Rock peddles. Rock grunts and struggles to propel forward both himself and the much heavier African American man. While they're moving, they're not going particularly fast.
The guys watch with baited breath as the bicycle approaches the kill zone. Kane and Thomas watch with poker faces as their opponents reach their destination; over their lives, both men have learned never to underestimate an enemy.
Suddenly, Dutch raises the gun he has and fires directly into the cab of the car. The girly bike is moving slowly enough to be effective. The gun makes a brutal buzz instead of the typical rat-tat-tat associated with machine guns. The buzzing spray of bullets rips into the bodies and throws broken glass everywhere.
Rock barely has time to pedal past the destroyed bodies inside the car before Dutch has completely emptied the clip. Then ringing the girly little bell on the bike to signal that the test is over, Rock exhaustedly pedals Dutch to some off camera location which is too far away in Rock's point of view.
Back at the fight club, the experts analyze the data. They go over video footage of Kane shooting the dummy and Dutch shooting the car up.
Geoff looks his comrades. "So what do you think guys?"
Max speaks up. "If these were short range weapons I'd give it to the mini-Uzi but since we're testing medium range weapons I'd give to the shotgun."
Geoff agrees with his buddy. "Yeah, the Benelli shotgun has surprising accuracy for a scattergun. Armand, what's your prognosis?"
The good doctor then offers his view. "Well the mini-Uzi is deadly, thirty bullets to the chest is nothing to sneeze at; but I give it to the shotgun purely on the basis at twenty feet away it took off somebody's head. That alone is one of the worst kind of injuries a human being can sustain."
Goff nods. "So we all agree then?"
Edge: The Benelli
Announcer: Answering to their defeat in the medium range weapons, Team Revy goes forth with a pair of short range pistols custom made to deal death at high speed.


The camera shifts to show a pair of sleek, shiny looking automatic handguns with a skull and crossed swords engraved on the handles of either gun. Written on the side of each weapon are the words "9mm sword cutlass."

Dutch stands in the outdoor firing range with both guns. "These are Revy's pride and joy. When she has a choice, she uses these to end lives and she uses them like an artist."
Geoff looks at Dutch and then at the two pistols in his hands. "So Dutch, what can you tell me about these guns? What makes them different from the standard issue?"
Dutch is more than happy to answer that question. "Sure can, Geoff; these guns are stainless steel. The barrels have been extended from four point nine inches to five point nine."
Appreciative of these fine guns, Dutch takes the two weapons and begins to pose as if aiming at invisible targets. He looks rather impressive; like he's ready to take care of business. "In addition to that, these weapons are specially fitted for silencers." He offers a brief smile. "Though I don't know why she did that; Revy is rarely if ever stealthy."
Thomas Bonanno is hardly impressed. "Well, our is bigger," he brags as he holds up a massive Desert Eagle handgun.
Dutch smirks at the old man from behind his sunglasses. "Deadly things come in small packages, old man."
Thomas shoots right back. "Is that what you think or is that what your wife says?"
Dutch is temporarily shocked by Thomas's insult, but merely shrugs his shoulder and makes a remark under his breath about old men with limp dicks.
"What he say?" Thomas snarls. Kane has to calm the old man down.
Announcer: As a special treat, this test will take place inside a department store after closing hours.
Dutch stands in side a darkened grocery store. The lights are dim and he's surrounded by vegetables, bread and cream cheese; it's easily one of the scariest environments he's ever been in. In a microphone in his ear, Geoff and the guys give him the countdown.
On the screen, numbers appear in red.

3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . GO!

Immediately, Dutch draws his handguns and starts to sprint. As he runs, a foam dummy springs up from behind the day old bread rack with a fake gun in its hand.
With lightning reflexes, Dutch unleashes a barrage and fires six bullets into the dummies' chest.
Not stopping, he continues to run only to encounter two more dummies that roll out on remote controlled platforms. These dummies are also built to hold fake guns. Dutch fires both guns at the dummies. Some of his bullets go wide and hit either the wall or penetrate through the bread rack and hit several jam jars in the next aisle. Sweet, delicious preserve splatters all over the floor in several flavours.
Dutch continues to run but when he reaches the egg aisle, the frozen shelves open up and automatic launchers begin to fire eggs at the leader of the mercenary company. Throwing himself to the floor to avoid unnecessary egging, Dutch lands hard on the linoleum.
He empties the pistols at the eggs, splattering yoke everywhere but not destroying the egg launchers which have now moves to track his position.
Dutch rolls to avoid deadly egg fire and only manages to reload one gun. He fires a full clip at the egg launcher, which destroys the launcher as well as shoot to the side and take out a bunch of egg cartons.
Reloading his remaining gun, Dutch takes off; careful not to slip on the egg covered floor. As he runs through the store he's ambushed several times by dummies on motorized stands as well as other horrors. He runs past the butcher counter and he narrowly misses getting hit by a rocket propelled pig carcass.
After leaving behind a trail or brass casings, shattered eggs, spilled milk and sugar; Dutch finally reaches the exit. He's tempted to pick up speed but knows that at the end of the tunnel that light isn't heaven; it's muzzle flare from the gun that killed you.
Sure enough there is a trap. Out from behind a cardboard sales thing comes a giant robot with claws that crackle with electricity. "Mission objectives," the robot bellows. "Destroy the Robinson family, destroy Jupiter 2. Destroy Will Robinson." A giant blast of electricity narrowly misses frying Dutch.
Rather than shoot at the heavily armoured front of the robot, Dutch runs around the clunking mechanical beast and fires into the lightly armoured rear. The robot sputters and dies as Dutch empties the clips. He goes out the entrance and blood red words fade onto the screen

Victory

Outside the department store, the moon is high in the sky and the cast and hosts are comfortable inside of the Deadliest Warrior RV. Everybody in the recreational vehicle is crowded around the big screen TV as the interior cameras capture every minute of Dutch fighting away inside the department store.
At one of the tables in the RV, Geoff has poured a bowl of chips and Thomas and Kane are crunching chips noisily. Rock tries to get some potato chips but Thomas keeps on smacking his hand away.
Meanwhile Max is sitting on an ottoman while Max and Geoff stand up to have a better look; each man has a beer in his hand.
"That's some impressive shooting," comments Armand.
"Yeah," Max notes. "But he's got a lot of missed shots."
"No doubt from using two guns at once," Geoff realizes.
Seeing this, Thomas stands up and brushes the potato chip crumbs from his shirt. "Well," the old man says. "I won't have that problem." He holds up his honking big handgun.
"This is the MK VII Desert Eagle .44 Magnum. I got this thing for a really good price, so that's a start."
Everybody nods in agreement.
"The clip holds eight rounds and the gun itself is made in Israel."
"That thing must weigh a ton," Rock comments at the huge metal monstrosity in Thomas's hands.
"Let the man speak," says Kane.
Thomas Bonanno continues. "It's a gas operated pistol; gas from the shell is funnelled under the barrel and out the front and that's what drives the slide and action."
"It's got an eight inch barrel and whatever I point it at is dead."
Max has seen a lot of Desert Eagle handgun in video games, this will be the first time he sees it in real life. "So you think you can beat Revy's gun."
"Absolutely," answers the old man.
Announcer: To keep the results fair, Thomas will do his test in a different part of the department store.

Thomas starts his test inside the electronics section of the store. The dim light makes all the DVD and Blue Ray titles look creepy and evil. The trademark blood coloured words flash onto the screen like the warning title of a video game.

3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . Go!

Thomas starts off, pulling his Desert Eagle from the holster and holding it in two hands. Unlike Dutch, Thomas carefully shuffles forward with his gun elevated. He has the wary manner characteristic of men who are deadly but in old age.
Suddenly, a DVD springs forward on a spring loaded arm in front of Thomas. It takes less than a second for the Italian American man to put a large calibre bullet right through the apple on the cover of the Twilight movie.
A few steps forward and another DVD pops out at Thomas, Finding Nemo; Thomas doesn't hesitate as he puts a bullet right through Nemo's smiling face.
Thomas continues, head constantly on a swivel for danger in the darkened department store. As he exits the electronics section, two DVD players light up and eject DVD's at Thomas rapid fire.
The old man ducks for cover behind a shelf, just barely missing the flying DVD's. Blind firing from cover, Thomas fires several rounds before he manages to destroy the two killer DVD players. The large calibre bullets he fired destroyed a high end digital camera, an IPhone and went right through those things to destroy other expensive items in the department store.
Checking to see that the coast is clear, Thomas reloads and puts an extra bullet into the chamber.
Roadie running through the aisles, Thomas coolly and precisely fires heavy rounds at the dummies which pop out from behind the clothes racks; each one carrying a fake gun. The back of one dummy's head is blown out by Thomas's eagle eye shots while another leaks fake blood where the bullet hit the "heart."
As he moves stealthily through the department store he knocks over clothes hangers and with stray gunfire takes out some pairs of shoes as the bullets over penetrate the enemy dummies.
Finally, Thomas is almost at the exit. He pops in a fresh clip and gets ready to leave when suddenly a trap door opens up and he falls in.
Thomas only has a second to realize that he's sharing this pit with a hungry zombie. The howling undead tries to grab Thomas's leg but he kicks the beast with his other foot.
In the fall he dropped his gun and must reach it to survive. The zombie has grabbed him again, but once more Thomas kicks it off of him.
At last, Thomas lunges forward and grabs the heavy desert eagle. He lifts up the gun as the zombie shambles towards him and—click!
A misfire.
Stunned only for a moment, Thomas Bonanno takes his gun and pistol whips the zombie as it tries to eat him. The blow knocks out the zombie's front teeth at the gum line. A second blow to the head, forcing the zombie to its knees.
The zombie groans as if it's confused. Then cool as a cucumber, Thomas grabs the zombie around the neck and under the jaw; and puts his gun to the creature's head and pulls the trigger.
The explosion blows the zombie's head into a molecular mist that stains the camera red.
The zombie blood and brain forms words across the screen.

Victory

Back at the fight club, the guys discuss what they saw.
"So what did we learn?" Geoff asks.
"We learned that shooting up a major department store with guns and unleashing robots and zombies onto it costs a lot of money from Spike TV's pocket and we're lucky we didn't get cancelled," deadpans Armand.
"Besides that," says Geoff.
"Well, while the Desert Eagle was more accurate than the Beretta, it did have a problem with misfires in the zombie pit. It's also a very heavy weapon that can tire out its user on the battle field." Max supplies.
"Plus, while dual wielding is less accurate the shooter compensates for volume of shots fired," Armand notes.
"So Revy takes this then?" Geoff raises an eyebrow.
Edge: Beretta 92F custom
Announcer: With things well under way, the team is working harder than ever to uncover the truth.
Kane stands before the camera. "Revy is sadistic and uncaring about human life; she hurts people and she likes it. In the criminal community, that's the norm and not the exception."
The scarred man is deadly serious. "Forget what you've seen on Ocean's Eleventh; there's nothing cavalier or fun about crime. We're desperate men, who do it only for money; who care only about money."
"In a match like this, it's psycho versus psycho; and by far Lynch is the more deadly psycho."

Rock then appears before the camera. "Revy is going to win this match; she is the deadliest warrior. There's nobody tougher than her and nobody faster; she's one of the most deadly people in South East Asia." The Japanese salaryman winks charmingly at the camera. "Revy, if you're out there. I know you'll rape them."
Thomas appears before the camera with a baseball bat in his hand. "You don't mess with a man with a balding mullet; you just don't."
Next Dutch appears with his arms folded across his fit chest. "Revy is a real pain in the ass. When she's not wildly killing people she rings your doorbell and runs and leaves a flaming bag of dog shit on your doorstep."
Dutch signs. "Just having to fight Revy over who pays the library overdue fees is worth two world wars."
Announcer: Back at the firing range, it's time to test out long range weapons; two deadly automatic weapons which leave nothing in their wake but carnage.
The camera shows an image of Revy painting the walls of a room red with an AK-47. In a second clip, Lynch grapples with an armed mercenary, taking the man's gun and unloading the clip into his face.
Announcer: The Colt M4A1, firing 5.56x45mm NATO ammunition; the M4 carbine is a gas powered, air cooled magazine fed fire arm with a multi position telescopic stock.
Kane stands in the outdoor shooting range. Behind him is a blue looking lake, the only naturally occurring water for miles on end.

He holds up his gun like a less handsome version of Charlton Hesston as he delivers his speech. "This is the M4 carbine. It's used by a large number of countries so it's not that difficult to acquire."
He pauses and holds the gun in work position, staring down the telescopic sights. "On full auto fire this thing can put out nine hundred and fifty bullets per minute and is fed by a thirty round box magazine."
Dutch voices a concern. "I've used those guns before. They're not as accurate as a good M16."
"That's true," Kane concedes. "But the loss of accuracy due to the shorter barrel only comes at the three hundred yard mark; most firefights occur within one hundred yards."
"This is a long range test, buddy," jabs Rock verbally. "If you can't shoot farther than us you're in trouble."
Kane flashes something that could be called a smile but it just makes Rock break out in a fearful sweat. "Let's wait and see."
A long range shooting course has been set up. About two hundred and fifty yards away are a series of dummies and one pig carcass. Kane will have to be times as he shoots from a distance and will be penalized for missed bullets.
Kane stands at the ready with his gun. Geoff gives the countdown. "Alright Kane, you are on in 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . GO!"
At this, Kane peers down the scope with one gleaming eye and squeezes the trigger. The gun unleashes a three round burst that takes one dummy in the chest. Acting as if the dummies can shoot back at him, Kane pinpoints the furthest dummy and puts a three round burst right through its face; spraying fake blood everywhere.
Further than that is the pig, hanging from a hook and dressed comically like a pirate; since the Black Lagoon crew engage in piracy.
Kane is like a machine as he unloads bullets with a cool mechanical efficiency. At last there is just the pig.
Firing his last three round burst, Kane takes the pig and hits it in the heart. The dead pig dressed like Jack Sparrow jerks from the shot. Kane however isn't done yet.
Grabbing a spare clip from his back pocket, Kane slides it into place and flips to full auto. He unleashes a tell bullet spray of automatic fire that tosses brass everywhere.
In the distance, Piggy the Pirate jerks as the NATO issue bullets strike its flesh and perforate its bacon.
Pausing to adjust his aim, Kane unleashes another ten round burst. This time only a few of the bullets strike, most hitting the dirt behind the pig but a few still hit their target.
Before he can finish firing, Kane hears the sound of Max calling for everyone to run for cover.
Confused by this, Kane turns around and sees one of the strangest things he's ever seen.
Flying downwards and trailing steam like some kind of ballistic missile is a flying water heater and it's coming right at them.
"Shit!" yells Kane as he takes his machine gun and starts to run where he thinks the hot water heater isn't going to land.
The main cast and the guest experts just barely manage to run away before the hot water heater slams down on Max's table full of sensors and computers. The impact causes the hot water heater to blow up in a million pieces of metal and plastic; scattering the area with debris.
The table itself and Max's instruments are a total write-off. It's going to take Max weeks to even begin to find the pieces of his computers amidst all the wreckage.
As the dust clears, everybody stands up and looks around with stunned awe. Even Dutch gapes with open mouthed wonder.
Geoff and Armand are speechless. "Where the hell did that come from?" Max says.

Meanwhile, fifteen miles away

The Mythbusters are standing on an abandoned airfield after having launched their special flying water heater.
Adam is ecstatic and even the stoic Jamie has a smile partly hidden by his walrus moustache.
"That was epic," says Jamie
Adam  is gushing like a child at Christmas. "That was the most amazing thing I've ever seen. I didn't even see where that landed."
Jamie nods to his companion. "Lucky we put a GPS tracker on the heater so we can find it."

Back with the Deadliest Warrior Guys

Announcer: Everything has been set up again after the mystery water heater. We've repeated the 
test for the M4 carbine and now we move onto the AK-47.

"Gentlemen, I give you the Avtomat Kalashnikova-47; the best friend of terrorists, mercenaries and freedom fighters everywhere." Dutch speaks in soft reverent tones about the gun; as if he were a priest giving a sermon. His smooth voice is enough to send shivers of anticipation up nearly everyone's spine.
"This gun is reliable, rugged and most importantly it's easy to maintain and operate; anybody can become competent with it in a very short time."
The AK that Dutch is using is different from the one seen in the Medellin Cartel vs. Somalian Pirates episode. For one it seems to be made primarily from synthetics to reduce weight; which is a good thing since Revy isn't that heavy herself.
Thomas Bonanno peers at the weapon through is glasses. "I've seen those things before; they only fire six hundred rounds a minute."
Dutch is unfazed. "That's more than I need to get the job done, old man."
Thomas mutters something under his breath but it can't be heard.
At that moment, Rock tugs on Dutch's sleeve and looks up at his boss like a lost child. "Yes, Rock?" Dutch asks.
In a very lost and somewhat sweet sounding voice. "Dutch, you tested the last two. Can I get this one?"
Dutch speaks in a tone that sounds like a concerned father. "Rock, have you performed up to specs on the firearms training?"
Rock nods. "Yes, Dutch."
At that, Dutch ruffles Rock's hair and gives him the assault rifle. "Here you go Rock; make us proud."
At last Rock has the Ak-47 and is ready to fire.
Max has the sacred stopwatch and gives the countdown. "Rock, in 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . BANZAI!"
Without any further encouragement, Rock opens fire with the AK like he was born to use it. It's impressive for one so new to the mercenary lifestyle.
Like Kane, his gun is also set to three round bursts. Gunshots hit the dummies in the chest but unlike Kane his bullets seem far more spread out.
In the back there is another pig, only this one is dressed up in a suit like the guys from Pulp Fiction. Rock doesn't wait to finish off Pulp Piggy. A three round burst blows off one of the pig's legs and another catches the pig in the throat.
At last, Rock runs dry and loads a new clip. He thrusts a new clip into the gun and begins to open fire again.
After a few shots, Rock is convinced that he's shot every target and switches into full auto mode. The gun's rate of fire is nowhere near as fast as the M4 but it spews out lead at an impressive rate none the less.
When the test is done, Geoff and the guys whoop with excitement and joy while Kane and Thomas merely shake their heads as if the test is already theirs.
Announcer: In the test of the M4 carbine, Kane managed to provide seven kills. Let's see if Rock can do the same.
Armand and the guys are examining the dummies with the guest experts. Armand points to the first two dummies. "These guys are dead, bullet to the head and neck in both cases."
He checks the next dummy. "This is a stomach shot; it'll bleed and bleed but it's not an instant kill. This guy will probably be in extreme pain but he can still take you down with him."
They walk over to the pig. "This guy is dead," Armand says humourlessly.
Several more kills are confirmed until they reach the last dummy. There is a single bullet hole sticking out of the guy's side.
Armand inspects it. "Well, he's been shot but it's not immediately fatal. You managed to miss most major arteries and organs."
Rock curses in Japanese at this proclamation.
"Well, I think we know who won." Says Thomas.
Edge: Colt M4A1
Announcer: With conventional weapons out of the way it's time to move onto special weapons. But first let's see what our hosts have to say.
"I'm still with Revy here, but I'm kinda torn right now," says Geoff. "Revy is skilled but so far her weapons have been mostly less accurate than Lynch's weapons. That in itself may sway the course of the battle."
Armand appears. "Lynch has a form of psychosis; a condition which leads a person to lose touch with reality and in some cases can lead to more severe psychiatric problems."
"In Lynch's case, he's prone to blackouts and aggressive behaviour. During a mild psychotic episode he may become more reckless and have impaired insight. During an extreme psychotic episode he blacks out and kills everyone around him. His leading a life of crime and danger probably has probably made his condition worse."
Max appears. "I think that after seeing the evidence, I'm going with Revy on this one. An accurate gun is good, but if it jams it's all over. If it's inaccurate, you can always fire a second shot."
Announcer: And now for a weapon that makes Lynch the terror of the lanes, the bowling ball!"

Everybody stands around Kane as he holds up a big purple bowling ball.
Rock points at the bowling ball in disbelief. "That's not seriously your weapon, is it?"
Kane replies in the affirmative. "Indeed I am. While it may not look like it; Lynch has killed plenty of people with a bowling ball."
He pulls out a big TV on a rolling stand and plugs it in. As he turns on the TV, he tells them what he plans to show. "Last year, a security camera caught Lynch on tape while he killed several members of Team Fortress."
Everyone watches intently.
When the tape starts rolling, it shows a blurry, grainy image of a dirty and probably smelly hallway.
As the tape plays, the screen changes to show what's playing on the TV.
A skinny Boston guy with a baseball bat, a soldier with his oversized helmet covering his eyes and a giant Russian with a Gatling gun all walk into one of the doors in the hallway. They seem to be arguing.
The kid from Boston talks very fast and it's hard to make out what he's saying but at the end of the sentence he shouts "BONK!"
The heavy just laughs at whatever the scout is saying while the soldier grumbles out something that includes the word "maggot" repeated several times. In every way he seems to be the stereotypical American soldier.
The men walk into the apartment and as the door shuts their muffled voices seem to talk about something called a "sandvich," or something like that.
As they argue inside the apartment, Lynch shows up carrying a bowling bag. Calmly and serenely, he has a grungy sort of Zen about him.
Easily, Lynch sets down the bowling bag and carefully pulls out the bowling ball.
Taking a few deep breaths to get his focus, Lynch winds up with the bowling ball and slams it as hard as he can into the door where the Team Fortress guys are hanging out.
The door caves in but doesn't quite fall. Giving the door a kick, the broken door falls to pieces and the Soldier, the Heavy and the Scout all shout in surprise.
Due to the angle of the security camera, we can't see what's happening inside, but we can hear. There is a deep voiced scream that comes from the heavy Russian man; he seems to be in pain.
There is a loud crunch of bone and the soldier mocks. "You call that crushing my skull, maggot? Why you wouldn't know how to—
The soldier is suddenly cut off as Lynch makes a noise that sounds like a skull being crushed.
Next the scout cries out in pain. "Oh god! Oh god! He broke my spine!"
The video feed suddenly fast forwards exactly sixty seconds ahead.
When the video stops fast forwarding, all is quiet and calm. In a very relaxed manner, Lynch steps out of the apartment wiping off his bowling ball with a bloody rag.
Dismissively, he throws the rag back into the apartment and walks off with his bowling ball in the bag; probably going to do some bowling later.
Dutch immediately scoffs. "That's easy to do. The Demo Man wasn't even there. If he was, things would have gone differently."
"It's the same difference," says Kane, "they're still dead."
Rock just smiles, "But our toy is prettier." He lovingly holds up a circular saw.

(The Video is from the game manhunt, you get the idea)

Before Rock there is a dummy made of ballistics gel designed to simulate human flesh. For this experiment, rock is wearing an apron and a plastic face shield. The saw is in his hands and the salaryman is looking eager to use it; hanging out with Revy is really bringing out his dark side.
To prepare things, Geoff straps motion sensors to Rock's wrists and to the saw itself. A quick bit of movement shows that the sensors are in perfect working order.
Geoff and the crew stand well back and are wearing safety goggles to avoid flying pieces of meat and bone to the eye. Geoff holds up a yellow stopwatch. "Rock, you attack in 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . FIRE!"
Laughing maniacally, Rock squeezes the trigger on the power saw and starts to walk forward. His eyes are rolling in his skull and a vein is throbbing in his temple; it's quite possible that before he became a member of the Black Lagoon Mercenary company he was in fact a serial killer.
Suddenly the saw stops without warning and everybody is let down, including Rock.
Kane just shakes his head as he sees the source of the problem. Rock's saw is electric and runs on power from electrical sockets. He walked too far and pulled the plug out.
Next to Kane, Thomas has dozed off and not even the shrieking circular saw woke him up. Gently, Kane gives the Mafia historian a poke.
Thomas wakes up blearily and asks, "Wha—what I miss?"
Announcer: An embarrassing setback, but as soon as Geoff gets a longer extension cord, we're all set to go.
Rock fires up the power saw and it seems to scream even louder; like some kind of diabolical baby.
Rock growls lustily as he swings the saw horizontally at the gel dummy. The blow messily cuts off the dummy's head and throws chunks of gelatine and fake blood everywhere.
He reorients the saw and drags it down the body, slicing open the rib case and cutting through the abdomen.
As he pulls away the saw, the intestines spill out all over Rock's feet but he doesn't even care.
Panting like an animal in heat, Rock slices off both the dummy's arms and for his finishing act, puts down the saw and manually pulls apart the rib cage like a rusty door.
This bit of violence has hit the spot and everybody is highly impressed; even Thomas and Kane have to admit that it was a pretty sweet display.
Everyone stands around the remains of the dummy. "There's nothing left of him except meat," says Armand. He examines the wounds. "These wounds here are ragged, not clean; meaning they're more painful and will bleed much more than straight cuts."
The scene cuts to the three hosts standing around and discussing the data.
Geoff goes first. "Well, the bowling ball was deadly in its own way."
Cut to images of Kane and Thomas throwing bowling balls at dummies like the one Rock mutilated. The bowling balls fly across a gap of twenty feet and hit either in the chest or face.
Armand speaks. "The bowling balls only killed when they hit the face. They broke skulls and ribs quite easily but like the ball and chain it's not easy to aim."
"Agreed," Max adds. "The only real weakness of the saw is that it's as clumsy as the bowling ball and it needs a power outlet."
After some talk, they reach a consensus.
Edge: Circular Saw
Announcer: With the tests complete it's time to upload the data and start the simulation.
Max sits at his computer and hits the "enter" key. "Let's make it hot."

And some battle music for your viewing pleasure ;)

---

Simulation:
Lynch: 5
Revy: 5
Ronoapur, midnight
Hotel Moscow is a criminal organization of former Spetznaz soldiers who burned out and rejected after the Soviet-Afghan war turned to a life of crime and carved themselves a niche in Ronoaopur's scummy underworld; making a fortune off of drug and gun sales.
Tonight in their possession, their leader Balakail is away on business negotiating with other gang leaders in Ronoapur.
In the possession of Hotel Moscow is a political document belonging to a high ranking official of the CIA. Hotel Moscow plans to auction off that highly sensitive document to the highest bidder.
Down in the sewers, five specimens of human shit make their way towards Hotel Moscow. The men dress in white containment suits and breathing masks to ward off the smell. Their plan is to launch an assault on Hotel Moscow from below and make off with the documents while at the same time killing as many people as they can.
They've been paid by an outside party to get that document and they're offering bonuses for number of Russians killed.
It's the perfect kind of work for Seth James Lynch.
Above ground
Above in Ronoapur's twisted streets that have never even heard of civic planning, Rebecca "Revy" Change is hanging out of the side window of a speeding van. "Come on, you cunts!" she screams at the men inside the van with her. "You fucking waiting for Christmas!"
In the humid night, Revy is glistening with sweat and her skimpy outfit clings to her tight body like saran wrap. She's a sexy killer personified. He licks her lips as if to taste the chaos in the air.
She's gotten a message from Balaikal to secure the documents and they're already late because of tragic. Inside the van with her are four handpicked men; hard as nails and rough and tough. They'll help her guard the document if any cunt tries to steal it.
Under ground
Lynch and his crew of goons have finally reached a cleaner area of the sewer. The building that Hotel Moscow occupies is just above them.
Stripping off their white suits, the men diligently work to place plastic explosive on the ceiling above them.
The plan is simple and of Lynch's own making. They are to blow out the first floor of the hotel and work their way up. Their employers have given Lynch a possible location of the document.
It's an easy and simple plan which involves maximum carnage. Lynch reaches into his pocket to pull out his aviator glasses.
As everybody works, they hear footsteps that are not their own and like night predators, Lynch and his crew take to the shadows.
A lone Russian soldier, probably sent down here as punishment for some transgression, is on patrol. He doesn't get far as a giant, muscular Ukrainian named Sergei lunges from the shadows and grabs the Russian's throat in a death grip. He rips the gun from the man's hands and clamps a hand over his mouth.
While Sergei holds the lone guard still, Lynch runs up to the struggling man and sticks him in the neck with a piece of broken glass he found on the ground.
The guard gurgles as Lynch stabs him in the throat nine more times. Ignoring the dead Russian, Lynch and his men all check their guns and count their ammo.
It's time to get to work.
Above ground
Revy and her gang barely manage to reach the hotel before the entire first floor seems to explode like a powder keg. Fire shoots out of the windows and men scream briefly as they're torn apart by the blast.
Revy curses and smiles most maliciously. "Well fuck me inside and out," looks like she'll get a fight after all.
The inside of the hotel is in bedlam. Men are injured and men try to get up as the blast disoriented or deafened them.
Two Russian soldiers who are alright (mostly) are suddenly cut down by shotgun blasts from Lynch's men. The sight of dead men gets Lynch's blood racing even though he keeps the same passive expression.
The five crooks go around a corner and encounter a Russian soldier who breaths last as Lynch fires his M4 carbine into the man.
God, he fucking loves the smell of burned powder.
Lynch and his men are methodical; they search room after room for survivors and kill them with shotgun and machinegun fire.
The former Spetznaz soldiers are tough and smart but they've been caught off guard and unlike Lynch and his men they didn't bring ear protection to shield them from the blast.
As they reach the second floor. Lynch uses his bowling ball to smash down a door. As the door comes down, they get under fire from the second in command here, Boris.
"Shit," Lynch curses and jumps back to cover as the Russian fires his Makarov pistol at them.
Boris goes up to fire again but a bullet from Lynch catches him in the shoulder and a shotgun blast from Sergei the Ukrainian gets him in the head.
Inside the office was a safe that Boris guarded with his life. Using sulphuric acid, Lynch and company burn open the lock and from within retrieve the document. Lynch allows himself a gasp of satisfaction. Quickly, he makes to leave with both his men and the document.
Lynch and company charge down the hall. Lynch leads the charge, hot brass flying and Russians going down. He's like a suicide raider, going in fast and dangerous; never giving his enemies a chance to fight back.
Suddenly as they reach the back door, four men and one woman charge in with guns blazing. Lynch jumps to the side but one of his men is too slow and takes a bullet from Revy's Beretta to the heart.
Lynch: 4
Revy: 5
Revy screams to her troops. "WASTE THESE MOTHERFUCKERS! KILL EVERY LAST ONE!"
Screaming and jumping from his hiding spot, Lynch tackles one of Revy's men and uses him as a meat shield. Putting a Desert Eagle to the man's head, Lynch screams at them. "GET THE FUCK BACK!"
To Lynch's surprise, Revy doesn't even pause before she uses her twin Berettas to kill the man that Lynch is holding hostage.
Lynch swears with surprise and jumps back to cover as the man falls to the floor dead. This bitch is hard core; no pussyfooting with her. F
Lynch: 4
Revy: 4
One of Revy's men fires a micro-Uzi at Lynch's retreating men. One man was caught in the back and fell. He groaned with pain and called for his companions but they were already gone down the debris filled, smoky hallways. Another spray with the micro-Uzi finished him off.
Lynch: 3
Revy: 4
Lynch and his men continue to run. On their way, Lynch runs into a Russian. Kneeing the man in the groin, Lynch puts a bullet into the men's head with the Desert Eagle. Suddenly, he has the crazy idea to stop and fight.
A normal criminal would think about the money but Lynch has forgotten to take his medicine tonight. Not a good thing for anyone, I imagine.
Revy and crew chase after the goons. To her surprise, they've taken up defensive position and are attacking. A shotgun blast hits the wall next to her and she gets sprayed with drywall and plywood.
Blinded by the dust, she drops to the ground, avoiding a shotgun blast aimed at her chest that kills the man behind her.
Lynch: 3
Revy: 3
From out of the smoke like a fairy-tale giant, big Sergei lunges and punches a man in the chest so hard that his heart stops. The man falls to the floor without a word.
Lynch: 3:
Revy: 2
Sergei raises his gun to shoot Revy but gunfire from an AK-47 takes him out.
Before Revy knows what's happening, somebody tackles her. It's a slightly fat, middle aged white guy with a balding mullet. The guy would look absolutely pitiful except for the steely, impassive expression on his face.
Lynch pistol whips Revy and sends her spinning but she rebounds and gives him a kick in the stomach that knocks him back.
Seizing the window, she lunges at Lynch but it's obvious that he's no rookie.
Lynch punches Revy in the side of the face and jumps on top of her.
While their remaining henchmen are fighting, Revy screams as Lynch tries to bit out her throat. Instead, he just bites the base of her neck and misses the artery. It's still agonizingly painful when he pulls back and rips off a chunk of flesh.
Behind Lynch, another one of his men has been killed.
Lynch: 2
Revy: 2
Suddenly, Lynch turns around, steps off of the bleeding Revy and blows away the last two men with his machine gun.
Lynch: 1
Revy: 1
Dropping the clip and loading in a fresh one, Lynch feels no remorse for the two men he's killed. Sure, one of them was one of his men but look on the bright side—this way Lynch will take a bigger cut of the money.
Unfortunately he doesn't have time to envision this cut of the money when Revy tackles him from behind.
Hard blows from behind tell Lynch that if he survives he'll be pissing blood for the next week or two.
Throwing back his head, he hits Revy in the mouth and cuts the skin under his hair.
Dazed, Lynch just manages to hear the sound of a circular saw before he feels it cut into him.
With laugher in her throat and a gleam in her eye enough to frighten the Joker, Revy takes a circular saw left over from some home renovations and uses it to slice off Lynch's right leg.
Lynch screams in agony as his severed limp spasms once and stops moving. Great gouts of blood come on in arterial spurts and the sight of blood just makes Revy horny.
To add insult to injury, Revy stomps on Lynch's crotch as he screams and tries to take off his belt. Truthfully he hardly notices his crushed testicles before his bleeding stump.
"How do you like that, faggot!" Revy screams and raises the saw to cut off Lynch's head.
Lynch however has got steel in him; it's buried in greed, evil and weakness but the steel is there.
With a face full of pain and fury and pale from blood loss, Lynch raises his pistol and shoots the saw out of Revy's hands.
Shocked, Revy slips and falls over all the blood that Lynch is losing. Before she can do anything, Lynch hits her as hard as he can on the side of the head with the heavy handgun he's got.
Despite his bleeding, Lynch pistol whips the downed woman several more times, screaming incoherently with fury.
Acting fast, Lynch takes off his belt and uses it as a tourniquet. It doesn't stop the blood flow completely but now Lynch is no longer in immediate risk of dying.
Groaning and growling, Lynch gets up on one leg and does his best to hop away. His sole consolation is that now the four million dollar prize for that document is now his; nobody to share it with.
Wait, the document!
Lynch pats his pockets. The fucking document isn't on him. He managed to pretty much single handedly wipe out Hotel Moscow and kill Bailikal's best men—but where the fucking document.
The building is collapsing now as more of it catches on fire. Soon the whole place will be up in flames. In Ronoapur, every building is a fire trap; very few exceptions.
Missing a leg and pale, Lynch slowly turns around, using the wall to support himself.
There is Revy; in one bloody hand of hers she's got the document, in the other she's got one of her Berettas.
Part of Revy's head is caved in from where Lynch pistol whipped her. She's bleeding from the skull and will probably have permanent brain damage.
But the way she raises her gun at Lynch and aims with it; she can still tell friend from foe and she can still kill. For she doesn't kill with her hand, Rebecca "Revy" Change kills with her heart.
And in the final moment of his life, James Seth Lynch swears. "Fucking bitch," he says hoarsely.
BANG! The bullet goes through Lynch's heart and it is done.
Revy drops her weapon but she clings onto the document like it's an old lover. Across her face spreads a blank smile. "Gotcha."

REVY WINS!

Stats:
Lynch-480 kills
Colt M4A1-176
Benelli Super 90 Shotgun-132 kills
Bowling Ball-25 kills
Desert Eagle handgun-87 kills
Revy-520 kills
AK-47-164 kills
Mini-Uzi-117 kills
Circular saw-118 kills
Beretta 92F custom-121 kills
Max appears before the camera. "Lynch's weapons tended to be more accurate than Revy, but their tendency to jam backfired on him. In a battle of inches, Lynch lost by less than that."
Geoff appears next. "It was a close fight, but the crazy woman takes the day. Don't underestimate the X chromosome."
Armand is last. "In this fight, Revy's eagle eye accuracy and skills won the day. Lynch is reckless and completely fearless but in a fight between two psychos, the one who's not insane will always win."
Kane and Thomas are slightly sulky but Kane doesn't seem that bothered by this. "Lynch is my partner, but given that he's a total psycho I'm kind of glad that he lost."
Thomas shakes his head. "Well, Lynch lost, but hell; what do these guys know?"
Rock is ecstatic and he's opening a bottle of champagne. "WOO! You did it, Revy!"
Dutch wears a party hat is cutting himself cake. But then he sees the camera and covers the screen with his hand. "No comment," he says curtly.
Meanwhile . . .
In Ronaoapur, Lynch and Revy never watched the episode because they were too busy fighting terminators. The grinning mechanical death bringers leer as Lynch and Revy blow them away with anti-tank weapons but more keep coming.
Lynch and Revy are yelling and screaming; it sounds like a parody of action movie passionate screaming.
In the background, Batman is arguing with Sam Fisher. Sam thinks they should stay the course while Batman thinks that if they stay the course they're all dead.
Suddenly, Lynch and Revy shoot each other by accident and both fall dead.
The voice of Metal Gear's Colonel Campbell can be heard.
You've created a time paradox!

---

Well, that was a real rush but it's time for me to take a nap :D I hope you enjoyed that folks, because next chapter you're in for a real treat.
British author and famous atheist Christopher Hitchens will fight Pope Benedict of our modern times to the death! It's a fight between the toast of the humanist movement and the shepherd in chief worldwide.
Benedict is a hard line conservative pope while Hitchens is a man who believes religion poisons everything. In real life, Hitchens has even called for the pope to be arrested. So let's watch them kill each other in fiction.
I'm not trying to bash Catholicism or peddle opinion. I'm just trying to tell a good story. If I do put in a moral into my next chapter it will be because of my own personal bias which I cannot help.
So, Hitchens or Benedict: place your bets now ladies and gents and never stop being so wonderful as you are ;)
Ta
Master of the Boot