Alucard vs Dante Alighieri

Deadliest Warrior: Dante Vs Alucard

Disclaimer: I own nothing of Deadliest Warrior, Dante's Inferno the Game or Hellsing. Those awesome things are owned by other people

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Announcer: Alucard, the indestructible super vampire of the Hellsing Organization.

Cut to Alucard. He is a freakish figure, seven feet tall with abnormally long limbs and large hands. The comical look of his massive red coat and floppy hat are offset by the murderous grin on his face. Red pentagrams glow on his white gloves.

Announcer: As the trump card of the fabled Hellsing vampire hunting organization, it is his job to search and destroy rogue vampires!

Alucard is shown firing a massive pistol while cackling maniacally. A cornered vampire hits the back wall of an alleyway; Alucard's shadow spreads over the vampire. Cut to Alucard grinning at his prey, "Bad news." There is a scream and the scene cuts.

Announcer: But Alucard will face stiff competition.

The scene cuts to the logo of the show Hellsing when suddenly it is slashed apart by a bladed weapon. The logo falls apart to reveal our other competitor today.

Announcer: Presenting Dante, crusader and demon slayer extraordinaire.

Dante is a young Italian man in the prime of his life. His skin is marked with battle scars and his naked chest has a large cloth cross stitched to it that acts as a chronicle of his sins. Dante's head is protected by a mail cuirass as well as a metal crown designed to simulate Christ's crown of thorns.

Announcer: A former crusader, Dante committed unspeakable sins before being exiled to hell where he slashed, burned and hacked his way to find his beloved Beatrice.

A giant cliff leads off into the fiery pits of hell. The devil laughs as he takes Beatrice's soul across the chasm. Dante screams the name of his wife. Fearlessly, Dante jumps off of the cliff and into hell's fires.

Announcer: Our team of fight doctors, biomedical experts and computer wizards are assembling to answer the big question.

Max Geiger, team computer expert appears before the camera. "I'm going to have to go with Dante on this one. Alucard always says that only a man can defeat the monster and if there is a true man out there, it's Dante."

Geoff Demoulin wears an "I love Hellsing" t-shirt. It's obvious which side he supports. "Alucard all the way guys. He's indestructible. He got blown up by a rocket launcher and five grenades and he came back from that in like five seconds."

Fight Doctor Armand Dorian is confused. "Who the hell are these guys? My computer had a virus so I missed the e-mail." The camera man tries to make an explanation of who the combatants are but he fails. Dorian's features strain with confusion. "I don't know who these guys are except that they're guys who apparently have the fashion sense of blind men."

The screen flashes with an image of Alucard and Dante side by side.

Announcer: While one is a vampire and one is a crusader, these two adversaries are more alike than they are different.

Unyielding gluttony

Dante sits in a fortress in Jerusalem. He gorges himself on fine food while in the city outside hundreds of refugees helplessly watch one another starve to death. Alucard sits in a room filled with the drained corpses of forty vampires. He's up to his knees in blood and he's gleefully drinking it as he wallows in it.

Unrestricted lust

Alucard stands in the ruins of a vampire stronghold. The vampires are dead but he rapes their human slaves, body pumping like a tireless piston. He drools as he fucks. Dante lies in bed with a dozen whores; he's tireless, an animal. One of the whores is dead, her head smashed against a wall.

Merciless killing

Dante runs through the streets of Jerusalem. With sword flashing, he cuts down anything that gets in his way, men, women, children and old people. Joyful fury fills his face as it's splattered with blood. Alucard rampages through a hotel in Rio. Grinning like a lunatic he butchers Rio's special police squad. To him, it's all good fun.

Unchallanged victory!

Alucard battles with Alexander Anderson, who is now half thorn bush. Alucard thrusts a hand through Anderson's chest and rips out his heart; killing his adversary. Dante stands over the Grim Reaper. The personification of Death begs for mercy but Dante slices his head in half with his own scythe, killing death.

Now the question will now be decided

Who

Is

Deadliest!

Dante Stats:

Height: 5'9''

Armour: head cuirass, metal thorn crown, armoured gloves, shin guards, shoulder guards

Weapons: Death's Scythe, Beatrice's Cross, Halberd, The Bow of Heracles.

Alucard stats:

Height: 7'

Apparel: Riding coat, duster, fedora

Weapons: Jackal, Casull, Tommy gun, Bastard Sword

Announcer: Each fighter will be represented by a two man team of experts handpicked for this event. Representing Alucard are Seras Victoria and Walter C. Dornez of the Hellsing Organization of Protestant Knights.

Seras and Walter are a lively pair. Walter is a sixty year old butler with a black ponytail and a monocle. He uses his monofilament wires to slice enemies to bits. Seras Victoria is a vampire, Alucard's fledgling. She is a short blond with wide hips and big boobs who is forced against her will to wear a skanky military uniform with miniskirt.

Representing Dante we have the ghost of the poet Virgil and the ghost of Antonio, a crusader who personally fought alongside Dante.

Virgil is a man in an ancient Roman style of clothing, complete with wooden staff and a crown of laurels. Antonio is clad in the armour he died in; he stands flat on the ground while Virgil chooses to hover.

Both sides are dressed extremely outlandishly, no matter how you slice it. Max Geiger is as excited as hell to have such special guests. "Guys," he squeals with fan boy delight. "We've got a butler, a vampire and two ghosts on the show that have returned from hell. I have to take a picture of this." Out comes the old camera phone.

With each faction introduced, it's time for testing to begin. To start off we're going with the short ranged weapons.

Team Dante goes first. Carrying in his ectoplasm hands, Antonio carries a very real halberd with him. The large weapon is essentially an axe-spear hybrid which once saw action on the Pirate vs. Knight Episode.

Seras Victoria whistles at the sight of the mean looking blade. "Oi, look at that can opener. Try to keep that away from me." Her British accent stands out as plain as the nose on her face. Walter just stands back and smirks. He's what happens to English hooligans when they grown up.

Geoff Desmoulin grins at the Halberd. "Oh yeah, we had some fun times with this baby." Cut to images of the halberd demolishing a ballistics gel dummy.

Virgil speaks, his voice refined. "Yes, the halberd. It is a good close quarter weapon. Its length provides you with a bit of reach and it's heavy enough to smash most armour. With the spike on the back, you may penetrate thick defences to get the soft target underneath."

Walter scoffs at what he perceives to be a puny weapon. "Please, that medieval contraption wouldn't slow Alucard down, even if you could hit him with it."

Virgil slowly raises an eyebrow at Walter but otherwise doesn't seem to notice the elderly butler.

With the halberd in hand, Antonio stands in front of the three hosts of the show. Behind the three men is a cloth curtain. Max takes first turn. "Okay, since we've already tested the halberd in the past we had to devise a new test for it."

Armand takes up the slack when Max is done. "We know that it's deadly but now we want to see just how deadly it can be in the hands of a skilled user."

Geoff finishes for the group. "So without further delay, we bring you Chop-a-dummy!"

The curtain goes down to reveal a short but extremely wide wooden box. Suddenly, gel torsos start to pop up and down like the classic game whack-a-mole.

Antonio nods approvingly at the elaborate display.

Geoff explains to him. "It's simple, Antonio; we start the clock and you start chopping."

Max for once is in charge of the stop watch. "Ready in 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . ATTACK!"

Fairground music starts to play at the Chop-a-dummy is fired into action. The dummies pop up randomly with no discernable pattern. Antonio takes a swing—and gets only a glancing blow. Raising the heavy weapon, he doesn't have to wait long for another target. This one isn't as lucky and loses its head.

Seras cheers for Antonio but is quickly silenced by Walter, who wordlessly puts a hand on her shoulder and gives her a mean glare.

Antonio heaves the weapon and drives a dummy through the eye with the armour piercing spike. Another thrust gets a dummy in the cheek.

One dummy starts to descend as Antonio strikes it, causing the blade to hit the shoulder instead of the head.

In short order, the nine gel dummies are decimated and the machine is shut down. Armand Dorian inspects the damage. "This is the first guy you hit. It was a glancing blow but even so, you managed to sever the carotid artery. These two guys had their skulls split open; I've only seen this before in anime."

Antonio smirks but Virgil is a little more reserved in his enjoyment.

Armand continues. "These next three guys are questionable kills. They're severely wounded and their skulls have suffered severe cuts, but these may take hours to kill. So they're incapacitated.

The last three dummies don't need an expert. "These guys are missing their heads. What do you want me to say?"

Geoff puts a finger on one of the severed necks. "Wow, check out how clean that cut is."

Antonio is pleased with the host. "Thank you, I made special work to sharper the blade beyond its normal level."

Seras Victoria speaks out. "That was a smashing display, but just wait until you've seen this." Proudly, she holds up a massive handgun. "The Jackal Anti-Freak combat pistol, designed to take out vampires, werewolves, leprechauns, elephants, rhinos and small tanks."

The gun is giant. It's just over two feet long and made of black gunmetal. In total, the gun weights a whopping nineteen kilograms. Walter grins at the hosts. "Get your machine ready, my friends. Miss Victoria has some work to do."

Soon the dummy popping machine is filled with fresh dummies and is ready to run. This time the machine is placed outside in the desert gun testing area. Seras stands fifteen metres before the targets with protective goggles and a free Deadliest Warrior baseball cap. It suits her

Geoff has his handy stop watch on the go. The high speed cameras are all fired up and there's nothing to do except shout, "GO!"

Immediately, carnival music starts up again. The first dummy that comes up has its head blown off. The retort of the gun is so loud that the team behind the safety glass jumps. One by one, the dummies just keep having their heads blown off. Seras wields the mammoth pistol like it's made of air. While she fires, she sings along to the song Iron Man by Ozzie Osborne.

By the time Seras gets to "Can he walk at all, or if he moves will he fall?" when the gun runs out. The bullets are very large; therefore the gun can only manage a six round clip. With vampire speed, Seras Victoria takes as much time reloading as some humans do pulling the trigger. A few beats of Black Sabbath later and all the dummies are headless. The guys are stunned by it.

Max, Geoff and Armand walk to the headless dummies while Virgil and Antonio drift behind them. Max is speechless. "Guys, a thousand bucks says that was the most powerful gun we've had on this show to date."

Geoff has to agree with his buddy. "Right you are, Max."

Armand stands stunned. "So you say this can pierce the armour of a small tank?"

Seras nods cheerfully. "You heard right. Master used this one time to bring down some vampires in an armoured car. Went right through to the targets inside."

Ignoring the two ghosts, Geoff makes the verdict. "Okay guys, the halberd was great but it's like bringing a knife to a gun fight. I think we all know what we have to do?" Everyone agrees.

Edge: Jackal Anti-Freak Combat pistol

Announcer: But Team Dante isn't beaten yet. For Medium range weapons they bring a deadly instrument of mayhem.

Cut to Virgil holding up Dante's main weapon, Death's scythe. Every bit as impressive as its name, the handle of the scythe is made from human spine. On the end is a massive blade as large as some swords and surgical sharp.

Announcer: While in hell, Dante used this brutal weapon to mow a bloody path through the minions of Lucifer. The weapon is so named because Dante actually killed the Grim Reaper to get it.W

Armand looks across the scythe. On the bottom of the scythe is a large metal counterweight that can be used to smash skulls. The blade sits on a pivot wheel that uses a human skull as a hub cap.

Max whistles. "This thing used to belong to death?"

Virgin nods. "Indeed, Dante was condemned for his sins but was rather adamant about seeing his wife again, so he killed the personification of death. Good riddance to him too."

Seras scoffs. "Oh please, anybody can beat death. Look at me?"

Virgin disagrees. "You've not beaten death, Seras. You're merely undead and a single wooden stake will send you to your fate." Well, Seras can't argue with that.

To demonstrate the Scythe's killing power, six pig carcasses and four foam dummies have been set up with furniture and facade walls to act as obstacles. Geoff explains the obstacle course. "Virgil, this is designed to simulate a series of rooms. You'll encounter individual targets at first and then a whole group at the end. Think you can handle it?"

Virgil is cool. "Of course I can; I am a poet after all. I just need to switch from pen and paper to blade and flesh."

When the alarm goes to attack, Virgil plants his ghostly feet on the ground and charges forward. A metal door blocks its way. There is a tremendous screech as the giant scythe cuts through the steel like paper. Virgil kicks down the piece of door and flings himself at a foam dummy.

The scythe blade snaps and pivots forty five degrees upward, turning Death's Scythe into a giant spear. Virgil thrust the impromptu spear through the dummy, running it through with nearly four feet of divine steel. He yanks out the blade and fake blood gushes from the dummy.

Virgil snaps back the blade into its regular position and charges the next door, kicking it off its hinges. A pig carcass hangs sits in a swivel chair behind a steel table. The ghost of the roman poet roars and uses the spinal handle of the weapon to knock aside the table. Both pig carcass and swivel chair are sliced in half. Guts and gore spill from the pig carcass's innards. The pig should consider itself grateful.

The guys hoot and cheer on Virgil and he goes snake on a two more targets. Seras watches with rapt fascination while Walter turns up his nose snobbishly. He could easily do this with only some wire.

Virgil reaches the final room which has three pig carcasses and three dummies scattered around randomly. Screaming in fury, Virgil swings around Death's Scythe like a giant lawnmower on steroids. Everything in the room is hacked to bits as if it were inside a giant food processor. The handle of the scythe even stretches to get targets that are out of the wielder's reach.

High speed footage captures the carnage in loving detail. Armand is totally taken aback. "I've never seen anything like it," he tell the camera, "It's just insane."

Armand points to the first dummy. "This blade would have gone through his large intestine, through one of his kidneys and right through the spine." He runs a finger along the wound. "Look at how clean that cut is. The kidney alone would have killed him because there's so much blood flow there, also the intestine shot would have released shit into his system and caused him to die of infection. The spinal strike would mean that he'd need a wheel chair to fight again. This guy's dead."

Seras contributes. "While a kidney or intestine hit wouldn't harm a vampire, the spine hit is another story. If you injure a vampire's spine, it's just like in a human. They're paralyzed until the wound is healed and that won't happen until the blade is removed."

Team Hellsing's Walter C. Dornez mocks Virgil. "Go back to writing poetry, my good ghost. Leave monster killing to the professionals." Cradled in his arms is Hellsing's medium weapon, the Tommy gun.

Virgil once again raises an eye at Walter. He then decides to add a last minute demonstration to the scene.

Without warning, the scythe blade snaps into spear mode. The handle of the spear then stretches forward rapidly, just like inspector's Gadget's arm. Before Walter can even react, the handle of the weapon has extended thirty feet and sliced his Tommy gun in half.

Walter glares daggers at Virgil. It's too bad you can't kill a ghost.

Virgil treats Walter sarcastically. "Very sorry, I missed." At any rate, Walter will need a new Tommy gun.

Cut to a scene of Walter filling a bunch of pig carcasses full of holes.

Announcer: Our team is having a hard time deciding what weapon has the edge.

Geoff tries to go over it in a sensible way. "I want to pick the Tommy gun because it has greater range but the scythe also was great for long distances."

Max puts in his bit. "The scythe was cool, but if you miss that one shot then you failed to take out the gunner or his gun."

Armand breaks the tie. "I'd go with the gun since it is a ranged weapon."

Edge: Draw

Announcer: Coming up, we test the long range weapons. The Casull versus the Bow of Heracles

(Please forgive, this wasn't actually in the game so I made up a weapon to fill in the long range slot)

Antonio and Seras face each other, one with a gun and one with a bow. The Casull is much like the Jackal except that it's silvery in color and only weights fifteen kilograms. It is also the same length as the Jackal.

The Bow of Heracles is rather an interesting weapon. Its style resembles a Persian recurve bow except that instead of date wood it is made of strips of Lion bone instead of strips of date wood. An ornate silver lion sits on the handle of the weapon. Like two chivalrous knights, Seras and Antonio bow and smile at one another.

In this instance, the staff at the show has devised a test to assess the accuracy and rate of fire of each weapon. A series of wooden discs hang from wires attached to the wall and ceiling. When it's time to go, the wooden discs with red X's will start moving along the wires in order to simulate moving targets.

The ghost and the vampire take their positions at a spot indicated by a strip of tape at the floor. Max Geiger stands dramatically in front of the intricate system of pulleys and targets. "Gentlemen, and lady, I present to you Deadliest Warrior's new and improved target practice course which took three point five hours to build and more Advil for headaches and bruised fingers than any human being can safely take." Some of Max's fingers look like they've been hit with a hammer and they're all splinted up.

The rules of the test are simple. "Both of you will start firing at the same time. Seras has a fifteen bullet magazine while Antonio will be given fifteen arrows. Shoot as fast as you can and as accurately and don't shoot your opponent."

Max is yanked out of the way by Geoff and the clock starts. The wooden discs start zipping back in forth with dizzying speed. As Antonio notches his firs arrow, Seras is already firing her big gun. The barrel of the Casull is rifled whereas the Jackal is a smooth bore, allowing for much greater accuracy.

Antonio fires the bow of Heracles. The arrows instantly catch fire as they leave the bow and penetrate right through each target. It is easily the most powerful bow seen on the show. The speed with which he fires them is also unprecedented. Yet it is all no match for the Casull.

Seras fires the last of her bullets and the brass shell hits the ground with a clink. At the same time, Antonio fires his last two arrows.

The spent magazine falls from the big silver gun. The two adversaries turn around and spot the deadliest warrior team, now for some reason stepping into a giant hydraulic lift. The lift activates and takes the guys at least twenty feet up.

Seras makes no move to hide her confusion. She calls up to Walter, who is hanging back with the rest of the guys. "What's going on, Walter?"

Walter smiles at her in a kindly way. "It's the real test, Police Girl."

Antonio looks at Seras in a befuddled manner as he picks up the remains of the flaming arrows, which miraculously have suffered no damage. From what Seras can see, the arrows have almost as much penetrating power as bullets.

Seras and Antonio soon realize what is meant by the humans who are now safely on a platform. A hidden panel opens up on the far wall and out climbs a horde of ghouls. The groaning, zombie like creatures are the result of a vampire biting a non-virgin or a same sex human. Like zombies, the ghouls hunger for human flesh but are physically stronger and their eyes glow.

Seras and Antonio glance quickly at each other and smile quickly before snapping into action. Seras charges toward the work bench in order to get another clip. Antonio sprints like the wind to pick up as many arrows as he can before the onslaught of ghouls.

With just ten arrows, Antonio runs towards Seras who has found only one more clip. It's time for this dance to start.

Seras eyes glow red and her fangs peek out as she unleashes unholy hell on the ghouls. The silver ammo in the gun blows into the ghoul's heads and tears them to shreds. Their downed bodies fall into dust.

Aiming to impress, Antonio notches up five arrows at once. Taking a second to aim, the crusader ghost lets go. Five ghouls are instantly struck in the heart by the arrows, but instead of turning into dust like with Seras silver bullets, they burn like tissue paper. Nothing is left of the ghouls that Antonio hits except for smoke that rapidly dissipates.

Soon the tide of ghouls is reduced to ashes on the floor and smoke in the air. All of this smoke and dust has triggered the building fire alarms. Deafening noise fills the air; especially painful for Seras sensitive undead hearing. Then in short order the sprinklers start up. The guys on the platform take the worst of the water damage. Walter and Geoff curse at the top of their lungs. Virgil, who had levitated above the carnage, is merely smirking.

The camera crews have to interview everyone outside to avoid water from the sprinklers. Armand steps up first to be interviewed. "As an ER doctor, I've had to put down patients that were going to become zombies. That was a stunning display of marksmanship from both of them."

Walter comments on Seras performance. "Like all vampires, Seras has a clairvoyant third eye that she can use to aim a gun perfectly. Dante has no such advantage in the coming fight."

Geoff agrees with Walter. "Antonio had great aim with that bow, but he didn't have Seras rate of fire. Except that shooting five arrows at once was pretty awesome.

Edge: Casull

Announcer: Entering the last phase of testing, our participants are more excited than ever. The fight club is positively thick with anticipation.

Max stands over a computer console, trying to dry out his computer with a blow dryer. "I have to say that I'm really impressed with Team Dante so far. Given that they're from the crusades and Team Hellsing has modern weapons, they're doing great for themselves."

Armand takes a mop and tries to get rid of some of the puddles. "Things are starting to get very interesting. From what I've seen, both sides can inflict a huge amount of damage on whatever they want. The thing is that Alucard can take way more damage than Dante can."

Geoff looks at a sodden pile of magazines. "Fucking sprinklers! My Hunters monthly collection is ruined!"

Virgil stares into the camera with his serene gaze. "I do believe that Dante can beat Alucard. Alucard is a weapon of shock and awe. Take away the fear and you take away a third of his power. However, to underestimate Alucard is death as so many of millions have found about this monster."

Seras is wringing water out of her cool ball cap. "I'm confident that Master can win. He says that only a man can beat a monster, but I don't believe that. To beat a monster you need a really big bomb and some luck."

Virgil and Walter show up with the special weapons for their respective teams. Walter wields a bastard sword like a pro. The three foot blade is designed for stabbing and is finely honed. Virgil however seems to be armed with a simple cross.

Walter thinks poorly of the metal cross in Virgil's hand. "I should have you know that Alucard has eaten larger crosses than that."

Once more, Walter's jabs glide off of Virgil's back like a duck on water. "Unfortunately, you fail to look beyond the obvious. This cross at its core contains one of the thorns from the crown of Christ. In addition to that, it also belonged to the late Beatrice; the women for whom Dante struck down the devil for."

Walter sneers at Virgil. "A little cross isn't going to save that love sick nonce from Alucard."

Casually, Virgil knocks Walter on the head lightly with the metal cross. The butler's hand flies to his head and he chops across Virgil, but the weapon simply passes through the ghost.

Walter gets treated to more of Virgil's dry wit. "I think you need to swing the sword harder next time." The normally cheerful butler grits his teeth.

Walter regains his composure as Geoff straps on motion sensors to his arms and weapon. The target is simple, one ballistic gel dummy with a cuirass and metal thorn crown just like Dante has. The objective of this exercise is to see if the bastard sword can get past the mail.

Walter swings back with the sword like somebody who is an expert with it. Geoff gives the go ahead and Walter strikes. The bastard sword is thrust into the Dummy's heart. Yanking out from the translucent gel, Walter grunts as he drives the blade into the stomach. When he tries to chop off the head, the sword bounces off of the mail.

To finish off the dummy, Walter drives the point of the sword into the throat. Blood spurts out from where the sword pierced the mail.

The experts approach to assess the damage. Walter doesn't show his disappointment at the results. Max points a finger at the high speed footage on his new computer. "The slashing blow from the sword is blocked by the armour. You failed to chop his head off."

Armand has already inspected the wound and gives the skinny. "I saw the dummy, he's got some bad bruising and at worst he'll be incapacitated."

"Just like karate chopping someone in the neck?" ask Geoff.

"Yep," says our fight doctor.

Announcer: We'll see how the bastard sword fares against Beatrice's Cross. Formerly owned by Dante's wife Beatrice, this cross is used by Dante to harness immense magical powers as well as to punish or absolve the souls of hell.

Virgil levitates in front of a gel torso wearing a replica of Alucard's floppy hat. Max remarks that he saw a hat just like it once in a ladies clothing store except that one had a big bow tie on it.

With ease, Virgil takes the metal cross and holds it facing the target. Explosively, a meter long cross shaped bolt of energy shoots from the cross and slams into the dummy. The dummy never stood a chance. High speed replay footage shows that first the dummy's hair is knocked off before flying backwards

The crew all stand around the downed dummy along with the guest experts. Walter tries to shrug off the damage done by the cross. A giant "t" shaped burn is left behind in the dummy's torso and close inspection reveals that it's burnt all through the body. Armand has never seen anything like it. "It's like you took a section of this guy's flesh and just incinerated it with a weird shaped laser. His heart, lungs and a good chunk of his intestines and liver are barbecue."

Virgil boasts the qualities of the innocuous weapon he wields. "I can also fire rapidly with this holy tool and access a wide variety of magical attacks." He points to the bottom of the cross, which is pointed instead of square. "While not meant for it, it can be used as a stabbing weapon in a tight spot."

As a final test of the cross's abilities, a pig carcass is hung from the ceiling which is meant to represent an enemy vampire.

Seras Victoria stares at the pig carcass with something akin to insult. "Is that pig wearing one of my shirts?" Indeed, the pig carcass wears the same mustard coloured shirt as Seras is.

Geoff tries to explain it. "That's not meant to look like you. It's just some old shirt we dug up out of the bin."

Seras says nothing but she gives Geoff a funny look before walking away.

Virgil prepares to fire another shot with the cross. Like Seras, he has no fear of injury to himself, thus he passes over the safety glasses. This time he tries some of the diabolical magic that the cross is capable of.

Like lightning, flaming meter long crosses fire out of Beatrice's Cross and spin towards the pig. The flaming crosses slash up the pig carcass like a meat grinder. Chunks of scorched pork fly all over the place; on the floor, the ceiling and all over the protective plexiglass protecting the team.

Announcer: The decision is an easy one.

Edge: Beatrice's Cross

Announcer: Now, with the testing complete, it's time to move onto the main event.

Walter appears in front of the camera, looking extremely dignified and calm. "Alucard will win. He wouldn't allow himself to be beaten by a Catholic."

Antonio defends his champion. "Dante defeated the devil himself and cut the chains of Judecca. Compared to that, Alucard is just practice."

Seras proudly wears her ball cap. "Well, let's see how this goes." The buxom vampire gives two thumbs up. "Go master."

Announcer: Max Geiger fires up the simulator. No rules, no safety, no mercy, only victory!

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Simulation:

Dante runs through a thick cope of trees. Seemingly this forest has no end and he truly has no recollection of how long he's been running. There is no night or day here; just one long ugly twilight. In day the sun is blocked by thick clouds and at night the same clouds seem to lighten everything while draining out all colours.

As he runs, a figure suddenly materializes from the shadows. It is a tall man with waist length, raven hair and freakishly long limbs. The figure, for it was no good to call this a man, grinned devilishly at Dante. "You have made it this far, for that you have my congratulations."

Dante holds fast before the red clad figure. There is something his enemy that raises his hackles and it's just jus the sheer power radiating off the creature. Somehow Dante can tell that this monster has a personality disorder; he's rotten to his very core. "Speak quickly, monster. My patience grows thin."

The creature laughs at Dante. "Monster, I've been called that many times. Sometimes I count the number of times I've been called a monster just to make myself feel crazy." It's also very likely that this monster more than just feels crazy.

Dante is adamant. "Stand aside, beast, or I will destroy you!"

Once more the creature laughs. It is a sneering, sardonic laugh. "Silly rabbit, don't you know that only a man may destroy a monster."

Dante has had enough of the monster's semantics. "So what happens now, creature?"

"Now," Alucard chuckled, "you die." And then it began

With lightning quickness, Alucard thrust the Casull from his jacket and took aim at the hell bound crusader. Large calibre bullets were spat from the gun's rifled barrel.

Dante avoided the vampire's aim with a nimbleness that was more than what a normal man was capable of. Simultaneously, he used the wide blade of his scythe to block oncoming bullets. The heavy silver rounds ricocheted off of Death's Scythe without even leaving a mark on that cursed steel.

Alucard grinned maniacally as his target thwarted his gun. This was already turning out to be slightly enjoyable. Suddenly, the gun told him with its telltale click that it was empty and he began to go for ammunition.

Dante was not idle and he was aware that the monster was taking a reprieve to reactivate his unfamiliar weapon. With just a flick of the wrist, the blade of the Death's Scythe pivoted up and transformed into a spear of savage proportion.

Alucard just finished reloading his gun when Dante took first blood in the fight. The handle of his scythe shot forward like the arms of Mr. Fantastic. The spinal column stretched far beyond what it seemed capable of and the blade sliced Alucard right through the heart.

An ordinary vampire, even a powerful one of a thousand years would have been instantly killed by such a slice, but not Alucard. He hadn't been an ordinary vampire for ages now. He gritted his teeth in agony, and how delicious it is.

The handle of the scythe retracts and it takes Alucard with it like some oversized mutant fish. The wind rushes through Alucard's hair as he flies at Dante. Through the pain in his bisected heart, Alucard smiles and flexes his hand into the shape of the claw. He'll rip out this fool's throat and he'll take great satisfaction in watching him die.

But Dante beats Alucard to it. Before Alucard can lash, Dante throws a punch into Alucard's face with a deep crunch sound. The blow is devastating and combined with the momentum of the scythe; Alucard is thrown backwards head over heels.

Alucard flies through the air before slamming into the dusty ground. Dante stands fast, fully expecting his foe to be dead, but his luck is not so great. To his great shock, Alucard slowly picks himself up off the earth and dusts off his person.

As if to mock Dante, Alucard puts away his gun and smirks at him. Suddenly, Alucard vanishes, melting into the shadows from whence he came.

Dante spins around while holding his weapon at the ready. Alucard flies from a tree branch and vanished behind another tree. Dante is just a hair to slow, spinning to try and track the movements of his mystical enemy.

Alucard flies from behind another tree like a flaming bird. Dante spots his enemy and launches the scythe's head at the vampire. Alucard looks over his shoulder at the speeding blade and laughs.

Dante's eyes widen as the scythes hits—

—nothing; absolutely nothing at all. The scythe's blade lies buried in a tree trunk but Alucard is gone. The only thing that gives testament to his being here is his cruel, mocking laughter as it echoes off the trees.

Deciding that a change of tactics is due, Dante puts the scythe on his back and grabs the bow of Heracles. The lion bone recurve bow feels comfortable in his hand and his notches up an arrow from the quiver at his hip. Powerful arm muscles flex as Dante draws back the bow string.

Sure as Adam and Eve sinned, Alucard goes screaming out of the tree tops like a Triassic era flying predator. His laughing and hollering are joined by the staccato belching of the Tommy gun. Bullets come down like a lethal storm.

Dante lets loose an arrow and it nearly hits. In a battle like this, nearly hit is no hit at all. The burning arrow flies past Alucard's head and just puts a smouldering hole in the brim of his hat. The crusader lunges for cover as twenty bullets hit where he was just standing.

Dante feels fury building up in his chest. He gets the feeling that he's just being toyed with. It's time to show this second rate freak in red that this isn't a game.

Alucard appears for another attack, this time flying low to the ground. The Tommy gun continues to unload its drum magazine with deadly efficiency if not accuracy.

Alucard's enemy just appears behind a badly bullet damaged tree. Alucard's weapon has half cut down the mighty oak. Dante has two arrows set in his bow.

Like the marksman that he is, Dante's two arrows find their mark.

Alucard howls in agony as he takes a flaming arrow to each eye; spoiling his John Lennon sunglasses. He loses his flight control and hits the ground once more.

Still holding his Tommy gun, he tries to rip the arrows out even as they barbecue his eyeballs into crispy nuggets. He never gets the chance because another burning arrow strikes his hand and nails it to the forest floor. A second arrow pierces his other hand, penetrating through the handle of the gun and nailing it just the same as the other one.

Alucard growls and hisses like a wounded animal. He bellows with pain as a third arrow is fired into his heart. He's in an ecstasy of agony.

Blinded, Alucard can still hear and his keen hearing does not miss the noise of Dante drawing his scythe or the sound of the air being sliced by the sharp blade.

The cut is so clean it's surgical. Dante chops off Alucard's head. It's easy for Dante, like taking the top off of a tube of toothpaste. All noise that Alucard makes is cut off and the atmosphere feels oppressive with the smell of gun smoke and blood.

Dante looks over his kill like a hunter. No, not like a hunter. He's more like an exterminator that killed an aggravating but hardy pest. Kicking Alucard's corpse with an iron shod shoe, he decides uneasily that this beast has laughed his last laugh.

As he turns and walks away, he fails to notice Alucard's head. His glasses are a burned and shattered mess. The area around the eyes is charcoal burnt. The hat has fallen off and the long hair has been rudely cut by Dante's scythe. Just like a comedian opening up with a new act to slay them dead, Alucard smiles.

Dante hears a papery rustling noise and once more he goes into battle stance, fresh adrenaline rushing into his system despite the fatigue in his muscles.

From the distance, a swarm of bats flies with more than natural speed. They fly with the power of the devil behind them. Like piranhas, they make straight for Alucard's corpse and start to devour it.

Horrified, Dante watches as Alucard is consumed; meat, bones, clothing and even the Tommy gun.

With their foul meal ingested, the bats fly into each other. Their small bodies fuse together in bloody spats like fireworks. More and more bats combine with each other. Then the bloody mass starts to take shape. Arms and legs form followed by a head.

New clothing grows from nothing and a newly reformed Alucard throws his head back and laughs. His laughter is cruel, full of rage and joy. He sounds like a football fanatic in a blizzard or a terrorist bomber before sacrificing himself to murder a hundred and fifty innocents. His hat and glasses are gone so that Dante can get a good look at his blood red eyes.

Dante is at a loss for words but Alucard is just getting warmed up. "That was fun. You've some powerful weapons, little man. But really, did you have to ruin my hair cut?"

Dante is afraid. He's staring at a fiend unlike any other. Something changes in Dante's eyes. Fear turns into anger and anger to hate. He hates Alucard for making his afraid. His breathing returns to normal.

Alucard commends him. "Normally I can dance to the beat of a man's heart, but yours is so steady. I will enjoy ripping it out."

Dante takes a big step forward, challenging Alucard's dominance. If he has his way, anger will soon turn into suffering. Alucard's suffering. "Leave now, monster. I'm giving you one last chance to surrender."

Alucard snarls at Dante. "Surrender? Nice offer, but I think I'll decline." With that statement, he pulls out the Jackal, his most powerful pistol.

Dante tries to block the bullet from the Jackal but the weapon is so powerful that it knocks the scythe out of Dante's hands. Realizing that he is exposed, the human warrior throws himself behind a thick tree. He moves like a man can only can when he's toned his body and mind to the very pinnacle of human ability.

The Jackal's heavy bullet strikes the tree and blows a giant hole in it. Dante is showered with wood splinters. He clamps his jaws together in pain but avoids yelling. Another bullet hits the tree and showers Dante with more splinters.

With his whole back bleeding from a thousand little splinters, Dante casts around for a weapon. He sees his halberd next to a tree.

Alucard prepares to fire another shot at Dante when the crusader knight fires the last of his arrows at the inglorious vampire. This just annoys Alucard. As the arrows burn his clothes, he shouts. "We did that already!"

His unprofessional outburst allows Dante to get to the halberd. He leaps like a ninja towards the weapon and then hefts it like a spear before taking a dive for his scythe.

Alucard easily catches the halberd and puts away the Jackal. It's time for a bit of hand to hand combat. He laughs maniacally and makes a chop at Dante with the halberd. Dante tries to fight back but against Alucard's superhuman strength all he can do is bounce off the other fighter's strikes like a rubber ball.

Trying to kill Dante, Alucard slaps his enemy around like a hockey puck. He taunts his foe incessantly. "Your fate is sealed! I will drink your soul and it will be my puppet!"

The blade of the halberd narrowly misses Dante's nick while the handle is not one millimetre away from crushing his throat. Struggling in vain against his enemy's superior strength, he is helpless as Alucard shoves his grim, dead face towards his prey. Dante can see rows of jagged, shark like teeth bared in a grin most hateful.

Alucard's face is the face of pure evil. It is an honest face. It wants him dead. It wants his friends dead. It wants his friend's friends dead.

Inside Dante, something unfreezes. Looking into that hellish face, his anger and hatred grow tenfold and he cannot simply lie down and die while this monster terrorizes the earth. Because in Alucard's face, Dante can see himself; all of the sins that Dante has done, so has this beast done. And there is no one that Dante hates more than himself for what he has done to Beatrice and thousands of other innocents.

One hand goes to his belt and grabs his most potent weapon. Meanwhile, Alucard's lengthy tongue flicks out and taste's Dante's neck. A trail of drool is left behind like snail slime.

Alucard is about to bite into Dante's sweaty neck when something ruptures his red eyeball. The flame within that eye is extinguished and a gush of blood issues forth from the ruptured orb. He screams in pain, but it is different. The pain he feels is equal to that of what a human would feel. Alucard jumps back and holds his damaged eye in his two hands. The pain is so intense that he curls up on the ground.

What is this? Alucard's eye will not heal. Panting like a dog, Alucard struggles to form words. He is a vampire who has laughed as he was chopped into a thousand pieces and sprayed with holy water and taken pleasure in self mutilation but he's never felt pain like this since he was human.

Behind him, it's Dante's turn to taunt his foe. "What is wrong, dog? Does your wound itch?" The bottom of Beatrice's cross is stained with Alucard's blood and eye fluids.

Alucard holds his wounded eye. The fire in his remaining eye still burns brightly, as does the indomitable spirit within his cankerous and rotted heart. Nothing will stop him. Shakily, he stands up and faces Dante.

Alucard begins to chant words that make the pentagrams on his gloves glow bright as hell's flames. "Releasing control art restrictions level 3-2-1. The Cromwell restriction has been lifted. Restrictions released until target has been eternally silenced."

Before Dante, a thousand red eyes open in the shadows and Alucard's body seems to fuse into the darkness as if soaking up the void. His clothes vanish, leaving him clad in a black leather straight jacket and his gloves. His wounded eye gushes vital fluids; it is an open, painful sore on his face. His voice is hoarse with pain. "Try this on for size."

A bundle of shadow breaks off from Alucard and starts to grow. The shadow mass grows until it is twice the size of two bears. The shadow grows fangs and a mouth; a dozen eyes fix on Dante. It is Alucard's hellhound, his prime familiar.

The beast charges for Dante without even a polite warning. Hampered by his injured eye that still won't heal, Alucard smiles as he expects his pet to make Dante into dog shit.

Time slows down for Dante. The hellhound gets closer and he can see that its jaws are big enough to devour a man in one bite. His handsome mouth curls into a disdainful sneer. Holding his cross tight, he roars in primordial fury. It's a call full of power, reminiscent of the ancient stone aged hunters and the brutal feral children who eat raw meat and are raised by wild animals. Launching himself forward, Dante makes a frontal attack on the hellhound.

He leaps directly into the mouth of the hellhound!

The hellhound screeches in agony as the blade of Death's Scythe is driven through the roof of its mouth.

Inside the familiar's mouth, Dante stands on a giant undulating tongue which threatens to buck him off at every turn. Strings of drool fall from the cavernous mouth and the stench burns Dante's senses. All of this only makes him twist the blade into the wound.

Alucard watches in amazement as streaks of white light begin to pierce through the hellhounds' skin. More and more until the hellhound explodes into a white mass of light.

The light blinds Alucard's one remaining eye and it burns his skin. Hissing like a snake, he realizes that nothing is left but Dante. Dante has killed his pet!

The remains of the hellhound form into a small orb of light that swiftly flies into Dante's chest and is absorbed.

Dante stares down at the indestructible vampire lord. So far this mortal has matched Alucard for every move.

Snarling, Alucard takes the Jackal and aims it at Dante. Dante doesn't even bat an eye at the massive gun trained on him. Instead, he looks Alucard in the eye and spits on the ground.

Alucard feels something old. For the first time in hundreds of years, he is actually insulted. Then, he starts to laugh. His chest shakes and bloody tears of joy run down his face. He screams in joy and rage at Dante. "You are worthy of my might! Truly you are a man worth killing! NOW LET'S GET THIS PARTY STARTED!"

Alucard throws down his gun for he will not need it. He takes his hand off of his wounded eye; proudly displaying the gory edges of the wound. Pus leaks out as Alucard's undead body tries to heal the damage but has no success. He takes both his hands and uses his thumb and first two fingers on each hand to form a frame. "Releasing control art restriction zero! Hold restriction until triumph is mine!"

A giant blast of energy rockets off of Alucard. It knocks back Dante, who is able to land on his feet despite his wounds and fatigue.

The shadow gathers, not just from the clearing but for miles on end. The omnipresent clouds lift and reveal a blood red moon and a sky that is black and without life or character. Out of this otherworldly miasma, shapes start to form.

Out of the outer black, souls are taking shape. They are all the souls that Alucard has ever consumed. They are human. They are vampire, werewolf, demon and fey. All of them were drained by Alucard and now they are his slaves and toys. Their numbers run in the millions!

At the center of this millions strong army is Alucard himself. He is shorter now; his limbs have returned to a more normal length. His formerly smooth shaven face is now adorned with a beard and long handlebar moustache. He looks exactly like he did as a human warrior from a time that was forgotten; clad in a suit of iron armour and wearing a crimson cape. Adding to the ferocity of his appearance is his gaping eye socket, pouring yellow ichor and blood like a small waterfall.

In his hands is a bastard sword sharpened to razor cutting power. With a wave of his blade, an army that numbers millions attacks one man.

Dante fights without fear or hesitation. He is a true warrior. His skill is perfect and his form is flawless. All of it is futile. Against an army like this there can be no victory.

Dante swings his scythe in a mad circle. Black enslaved souls are cut down like grass for every one that he slays there are two hundred more to take their place. Their dark blood paints Dante as black as they are until there is no difference between them that can be seen by the eye.

With Beatrice's cross he unleashes devastating attacks. Flaming crosses burn a path through the hordes like paper. Cross bolts of light blast them back like mortar fire. Spikes of ice shoot up from the ground and impale them in a fashion that would have made Alucard proud when he was still called the Impaler.

They write in pain on the ice spikes before they dissipate. They shriek in torment as the flames consume them but their subservience to their master will not allow them to beg for mercy. The light from the cross bolts blind them and they stumble blindly as their bodies dissolve.

And every bit of it is futile as Dante is totally overwhelmed like a spider before army ants. They pile onto him like snow on a stone; the stone is helpless against the snow.

Alucard laughs at what he perceives to be a good victory. The day is his!

And then the tables turn. Dante is bringing his own army. Orbs of light, thousands of them are sweeping through Alucard's army of souls and cutting their down. A single touch from these orbs and the familiars instantly vanish.

These are not just orbs. They are the souls of those who Dante absolved of their sins while in hell. They were condemned to eternal damnation when Dante opened the doors to paradise for them. For that, they will do anything for Dante. And they are much more powerful than Alucard's familiars.

Darkness will always be slain by light and the free will always defeat the coerced. Dante uses the power of his cross to not only destroy Alucard's familiars, but to free them and send them to heaven. By this measure, he takes Alucard's strength and adds it to his own.

The freed souls congregate on Dante. They surround him like a force field temporarily before blasting out like a tidal wave. Dante holds the cross up high and recites a long, sincere prayer to God. God has robbed Dante of much in life, but God is still for Dante in his hour of greatest need. The Lord's Prayer hurts Alucard's ears

Alucard spreads his cape like a bat's wings and stars to fly in order to avoid being hit by the wave of light. As he looks up, he sees he has made a fatal mistake.

Soaked in the black blood of familiars, Dante is as black as the sky above. He flies on a direct collision course with Alucard in mid air. Death's Scythe is more than ready to deal a killing blow.

Alucard's one remaining eye widens. For the first time this night, fear is in the monster's heart. He raises his bastard sword to fend off the strike but Dante chops through the other weapon.

Alucard is sliced from head to crotch by Dante. The cut is so clean that the two halves slide instead of fall apart. The cut is perfectly down Alucard's middle.

Dante and the two halves of Alucard's body hit the ground with a thud. All around them, Alucard's familiars are routed by Dante's freed souls.

Dante breathes with exertion. His every muscle is on fire and his lungs can't take in nearly enough air. He feels like an aching mass of meat and bone, a man unworthy to live. Yet he stands here victorious as he tries to brush the blood, shit and sweat out of his eyes.

Around the two fighters, the darkness and light swirl like a giant tornado. Alucard's body crumbles into dust and from that dust there raises something.

It looks like a flickering fluorescent flame. In the center of that flame Dante can just barely make out a face. This is Alucard's soul. It can't be harmed with blades, bombs, spells, blessing or curses. They can destroy Alucard's body but as long as his soul remains he will always rise again.

Alucard shouts to Dante, hateful and defiant to the last. His voice is distorted as if heard through a maze of glass tubes. "GO AHEAD! DO THE DEED! END IT ALL!"

Strangely enough, Alucard doesn't sound unhappy to be defeated. He sounds like he wants Dante to kill him. Perhaps he is so evil that he can no longer live with himself. His existence is a curse and the earth that he walks is hell for him. He's only been looking for the right man to do the job.

With his enemy downed, Dante cannot hate this creature anymore. He can only pity it. He raises the cross to Alucard's soul. "I bring you not damnation, but salvation."

The cross's light shines on Alucard. Alucard sighs as the curse of unending life is lifted. Finally, he can move on. He will go straight to the most torturous pit of hell, but it will seem like heaven compared to this pitiful sham of a life he has been forced to live.

Alucard's soul passes to the next world. The familiars vanish. The clouds return and Dante is victorious.

Dante Wins!

Stats:

Dante: 503 kills

Halberd: 9 kills

Heracles Bow: 36 kills

Death's Scythe: 123 kills

Beatrice's Cross: 335 kills

Alucard: 497 kills

Casull: 47 kills

Jackal: 230 kills

Tommy gun: 123 kills

Bastard Sword: 97 kills


At the fight club, Max is as happy as a clam. "This is our closest match ever. We have a difference of six kills. In the Spetznaz vs. Green Beret, we had a difference of seven kills."

Geoff elaborates. "Alucard had overall deadlier weapons because they were more modern but Dante's scythe and cross more than picked up the slack."

Walter is a sore loser. "This is an insult to Alucard and to the good name of the Hellsing organization. I demand a rematch."

Antonio is quite pleased with how things went. "Dante fought the hordes of hell only with Virgil's direction and his own unstoppable will. When I was alive, I knew him to be truly a man without fear."

Seras Victoria holds a pouch of medical blood. "I'm a little surprised at the result but I'm glad I was wrong. It looks like a man can beat a monster." When she sips her blood, her blue eyes widen and she spits out the blood. She starts to holler and hoot like she ate something poisonous. "OH GOD! WHO SLIPPED A HABANERO PEPPER INTO MY BLOOD?" She runs away screaming, looking for some water or anything to wash her mouth.

Virgil smirks at the camera and communicates in his own dry manner. "I slipped the pepper into her drink, but don't tell her that. I'm not sure I can handle that kind of punishment."

Armand Dorian has the final word. "I guess we know who'd win. The computer has no bias."

Meanwhile, in the playboy mansion, Dante and Alucard are posing for a Playgirl centerfold. The two men leer at each other, unaware that it was decided who was deadliest. As they take off their bathrobes and get naked for the camera, the question will be decided—

Who

Is

Studliest?