Christopher Hitchens vs Pope Benedict

Deadliest Warrior: Christopher Hitchens vs. Pope Benedict

Disclaimer: I do not own Deadliest Warrior, the Catholic Church or Christopher Hitchens. If religious controversy offends you then now is the time to turn back. I also do not own Naruto or Pawn Stars

The Supreme Court of the United States has ruled that parodies involving famous people are perfectly and totally legal under the United States Constitution. The specific case law on this was decided in the case of "Hustler Magazine, Inc. et al. v. Jerry Falwell" in 1988. No harm is intended toward the celebrities featured in these stories, but they are public figures and in being so, they must accept that they are fair target for parodies by the public. We believe in the first amendment, and more broadly, in the basic principle of free speech and this section may push the boundaries of that principle, but the United States Supreme Court has approved of this type of material. We believe that the Supreme Court was correct in their decision.

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Announcer: Christopher Hitchens

The screen shows a middle aged, fat British guy with blonde hair and a glass of scotch.

By day he is a famous journalist, essay writer and literary critic who is also a champion of humanism and atheist causes.

Hitchens suddenly rips off his clothes to reveal a pitch black ninja outfit and he throws down the glass of scotch to pull out a sword.

By night he is a deadly ninja assassin of world renound

Ninja Hitchens is shown using his sword to fight a crew of pirates.

Announcer: Pope Benedict The Twenty-sixth

The camera now shows an old man dressed in the vestments of the leader of the Vatican.

Originally a warrior monk from the fourth crusade, Benedict was one of the most fearsome fighters of the middle ages.

The scene changes to show a young benedict dressed like a Teutonic knight as he sword fights with Arabic forces

After he fell into a glacier, Benedict was preserved in time before being thawn out in the twentieth century and becoming the pope.

Now the scene shows Norwegian scientists hauling out a giant block of ice from a crevasse which has benedict frozen inside like a bug in amber.

Announcer: One man believes that religion poisons everything

Christopher Hitchens kills a suicide bomber with a razor sharp metal "A", preventing a terrible disaster in a crowded market.

Announcer: The other man fights tooth and nail against what he sees as the dictatorship of relativism.

The Pope pulls out a giant, ornate looking spear and thrusts it through the heart of communist leader Mátyás Rákosi.

The camera changes once more and shows Hitchens and Benedict facing off. The two men are standing off barely inches from each other, glaring with laser beam eyes of death. Hitchens is clad in his black ninja clothes and Benedict shines in his white pope's robes.

Who between these men of faith and scepticism is the deadliest?

Announcer: to find out, we've summoned a team of medical doctors, scientists and computer experts to the fight club to determine just that.

Biomedical expert and black belt Geoff Desmoulins will measure the damage dealt by the fighter's weapons.

"I'm here to see of which weapons used is deadlier; I'll be able to tell you what's a kill, what's a wound and what's a stun."

Computer expert Max Geiger will input the data from the tests and run it into a simulation program created by Slytherin studios.

"Here we've got a battle between a holy warrior and a secular assassin; with my equipment we'll be able to see who is the deadliest warrior."

Former ER doctor and UFC fight doctor Armand Dorian will assess the injuries.

"Whether it's broken bones, lopped limbs or severed arteries; I'll be able to tell you how long the guy has to live."

Announcer: It's a duel to the death, no rules, no safety, no mercy; all to decide finally

WHO

IS

DEADLIEST?

Announcer: The fight club is abuzz with activity here in downtown LA. All in preparation for our most controversial match yet.

Geoff Desmoulins appears before the camera. "I'm going to give this one to Pope Benedict. The guy was frozen in glacial ice for over a thousand years only to become a Vatican hit man and later rise to the top ranks within the church." He crosses his fit arms over his chest and smiles a bit. "I think it's fair to say that God has a plan for this guy."

Next appears Armand Dorian. "I'm really not sure who's taking this match. Benedict physically is eighty-three years old and he's way past his prime. That said, Christopher Hitchens is a heavy smoker and drinker and is at least thirty pounds overweight."

Max Geiger shows his afro covered head next. "Christopher Hitchens is going to take this match, hands down," he says with confidence. "Christopher is a fucking ninja. Those guys are like ghosts and frankly, Benedict may be tough but he's no Spartan."

Announcer: Richard Dawkins knows Christopher Hitchens better than anyone.

The camera shows a gentlemanly English professor with glasses and a tweed suit. "I have every confidence in Christopher's abilities. He was after all trained by some of the finest ninja masters the world has seen."

Dawkins is shown wielding a broadsword expertly.

Announcer: Richard Dawkins is an expert on biological evolution, a fellow atheist and a rogue demon hunter and porn star. Hitchens has assisted Dawkins on multiple demon hunts and now Dawkins is returning the favour.

Now the camera shows a fit man with dark hair and green shirt.

Announcer: Army veteran and medieval weapons expert, David Coretti fights on the side of Benedict.

"Benedict was a knight," says David. "He lived on the battlefield and swore his life to eradicate evil. Christopher Hitchens, a hedonistic, atheist is the antithesis of everything that Benedict stands for."

Announcer: But our other Hitchens expert believes that the pope is going the way of the Dodo.

Naruto Uzumaki flashes a winning grin before the camera. "Christopher Hitchens is one of the deadliest ninjas I've ever known." In one hand he hefts a large black powder gun. "When he was living in Konohagakure village, nobody wanted to mess with him."

"One time he gouged out Gaara's eyes for making him spill his scotch."

Announcer: Returning from a previous match is Enrico Maxwell, leader of the Vatican assassination service, Iscariot: Section XIII

Enrico is definitely looking worse for the wear. He's got a black eye and he's wearing a neck brace for his injuries.

"The Pope's duty is to kill men like Hitchens; men like that are a greater threat to Christianity than all the screaming, Islamo-fascist hordes." Maxwell is just as fanatical to his cause as ever, injuries or no injuries.

David Coretti appears again. "Benedict has the best training and he knows that God is on his side. He's not going to let Hitchens win."

Richard Dawkins also weighs in. "Christopher is a ninja; that means that he's accustomed to using precision, deception and sometimes theatricality as his weapons. Unlike Benedict, he's trained to think, not just to believe."

Stats:

Christopher Hitchens

Height-5'6''

Weight-205 lbs

Birth date-13th April, 1949

Notable Conflicts-Korean War, Caribbean Pirate uprisings, Congolese Civil War

Weapons-ninjato, tanegashima, killer A's, metal claws, kusari-gama

Pope Benedict XXVI

Height-6'1''

Weight-170 lbs

Birth date-1177, month unknown

Notable conflicts-Fourth Crusade, Third Crusade, War on Terror, Soviet Afghan War

Weapons-morning star, broadsword, spear of Longinus, bow

Everybody is standing at the ready in the fight club. They are divided into two sides; the non-believers with Professor Dawkins and Naruto and the Christian side with David and Enrico.

"So Richard," says Geoff, "how long have you know Christopher?"

Dawkins has a gentle and soothing English lit, nothing like what one would expect from a seasoned demon hunter. "I first met Christopher twenty years ago when I was battling a rather nasty Mohra demon. I really don't say this often but he impressed me."

"As a former Teutonic knight, the Pope would have spent many years fighting demons and since he was thawed out he's fought far worse things," says David Coretti; just chomping at the bit to defend his champion.

Dawkins smiles in a most patronizing way. "That may be true, but I highly doubt that Benedict has ever faced an adversary like Hitchens."

"Yeah," boasts Naruto, "the Persians didn't need a thousand soldiers to defeat those three hundred Spartans; they could have just sent in Hitch and he'd have wiped out every last one of them."

Enrico Maxwell sneers. "Don't be so certain, you idolatrous little heathen."

Naruto just rolls his eyes and makes faces at Maxwell when his back is turned.

Ignoring the locker room banter, Geoff turns to Dawkins. "So what have you got for us today?"

Dawkins smiles and pulls out a nasty looking weapon which is composed of a short sickle that has a ball and chain attached to it. "I give you the kusari-gama; a fine example of Japanese innovation."

Naruto smiles. "Hell ya, my people invented this when the feudal government of Japan began to outlaw swords and the peasants started modifying ordinary farming tools."

Geoff nods at the history lesson. "So how does this thing work, prof?"

Dawkins enlightens everyone. "The sickle end of the weapon is utilized for slashing and stabbing," his voice is as calm and as even as if he were lecturing at Oxford. "The wielder usually goes in with the ball and chain in order to entangle an enemy's sword or spear and then finish them off with the sickle end."

Max seems excited. "Let's go for it then."

Professor Dawkins stands in the middle of a painted circle on the ground with a ballistics gel dummy in the center. Professor Dawkins begins to expertly twirl the ball end around. The chain is about fifteen feet long and has a two or three pound metal ball on the end.

The patterns with which Dawkins throws the ball around him are dazzling. He's obviously an expert at the weapon to use it like so. He beings to wrap it around his body like he's getting entangled, only to suddenly throw it out and thrust it straight at the dummy.

The metal ball hits the dummy right in the face. The metal ball strikes dead on the nose but the genetics professor/demon hunter isn't through with this guy yet.

Swinging around the ball in a wide arc, Dawkins wraps the chain around the dummy's neck and then charges in for the killing blow.

A swing at the neck slices the head nearly off, cutting through the spinal cord and major arteries. An overhead strike buries at leave five inches of high carbon steel into the brain of the dummy and to finish it off, Dawkins disembowels. Intestines spill all over the floor and the Englishman takes a bow.

Naruto claps for Professor Dawkins and Geoff and his boys look stoked but Enrico and David look like they've got something up their sleeves.

David Caretti appears before the camera. "It's a neat toy that he's got there, but Benedict has something meaner and deadlier."

Announcer: The morning star, five pounds of spiked iron ball on a chain. Adapted from agricultural flails, this lethal weapon was one of the most dangerous tools on the battlefield before the advent of firearms.

David stands before the hosts and his fellow experts with the morning star in hand. "Gentlemen, I give you the ninja killer."

Naruto whistles. "Nice can opener; where'd you get it, Home Depot?"

Maxwell sneers at the young ninja. "Laugh all you want, little boy; but this implement of God was designed to kill armoured knights. One fat man in a black shirt won't stand a chance."

Naruto dismisses Maxwell. "Yeah, like The Hitch would ever stand in one place long enough for you to hit him."

Maxwell grins. "That's because he'd be running away and trying to get back home before his holiness killed him."

The scene shifts and for this event a pig carcass has been offered up as a sacrifice to appease the viewers at home.

Announcer: Since the morning star can be as deadly to the user as to its enemies, David will wear protective Kevlar gear.

David stands before the pig carcass with a large Kevlar helmet on his head. The morning star is eagerly clutched in hands.

Geoff stands before a table full of computers and measurement sensors. In his hand he holds a stopwatch. "Dave, you go in 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . IN THE NAME OF GOD, GO!"

Taking a swing with the morning star to get some momentum, David first lands a blow on the side of the pig's head. There is a horrifying crunch as the pig's head seems to deform like somebody stepping on a rubber ball. The spikes in the metal ball punch deep holes in the hog's skull.

Swinging around the heavy metal ball, David lands a blow that totally takes off the pig's jaw; impressive given how sturdily built a pig's jaw is compared to a human being.

Under his helmet, David bellows like a bull as he swings around the morning star like a rogue comet come to mess up an innocent planet. The spiked ball catches a glancing blow on the pig's side, smashing ribs and tearing off ribbons of flesh.

A strike to the dead center of the pig completely caves in the rib cage!

David pulls out the morning star and the spikes only reluctantly let go of the pig flesh.

After a few more devastating swings, the test is called completed.

Geoff laughs and claps. "Oh man, if I ever need proof of God; that's what I'm going to point to!"

David takes a bow and Maxwell shoots a nasty smirk at Naruto. In reply, Naruto gives Maxwell the middle finger.

Among the cool glow of Max's computers, the three experts evaluate the data. On one computer screen there is footage playing of Dawkins slamming the metal hammer of the kusari-gama into the dummy's nose while another shows Caretti unleashing devastation with the morning star.

Armand speaks first. "Well the kusari-gama is deadly; no doubt of that."

"But the morning star is deadliest," says Geoff.

"True, but with the chain on the kusari, you can entangle an enemy's weapon; the morning star should be no different." Max contributes.

"Except the chain and ball on the morning star are a lot heavier than the ball hammer on the kusari," Geoff protests. "Anyway, if the morning star gets entangled then the guy holding it could just as easily pull the kusari-gama out of the hands of the ninja."

Armand has a solution to their dilemma.

Announcer: At an abandoned car lot in Los Angeles, these two special weapons will be put to the test once and for all.

It's a fairly ordinary looking car lot, if a bit empty. There are only two cars in it. They look rather old but if fixed up they could be worth a lot of money to collectors.

In the bright sun, Max explains to David Caretti and Richard Dawkins what they must do.

"Okay guys, you've got your weapons and you know how to use them." Dawkins and Caretti merely stare at Max with expressions of focus and concentration.

"You'll have one minute exactly to do as much damage as you can to each person's respective car. The car with the most damage sustained will be dubbed the deadlier weapon."

In preparation, Armand helps Geoff attach special pressure sensors to each car.

When all is said and done, Dawkins and Caretti get over to their respective cars. Each man wishes the other good luck before they get into fighting position.

Max gives the countdown. "In 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . DESTROY!"

The two fighters immediately launch into action. Dawkins spins like a whirling dervish; his ear length grew hair flying wildly in the wind. The metal ball on the end of the chain shoots out and smashes in a window and broken glass flies everywhere.

David's first strike isn't as fast but it's far more devastating. Yelling wildly, he swings the heavy spiked ball right through the windshield of his car. Yanking out the ball, he pulls out half of the glass that isn't shattered and all over the floor.

With incredible reflexes and even great skill, Professor Dawkins goes for the easy targets first.

SMASH! SMASH!

There go the headlights of the car; busted into a million pieces and with the light-footedness of a leopard, Dawkins runs up onto the hood of the car and smashes the windshield with the scythe end of his weapon.

David is yelling wildly like some kind of Viking raider. He's swinging at the sides of the car, putting huge dents and multiple holes in the metal exterior of the car. A quick swing of his weapon punches holes in one of the tires and kills the hubcap.

Now Dawkins is jumping inside the car and using the sickle end to rip open the seat cushions and gut the dashboard.

David roars louder and takes out the side mirror on his car.

And then everybody hears a slightly slurred but highly pissed off voice shout out. "What the fuck are you doing!"

Everybody turns around to see an overweight, elderly man with silver hair and a black dress shirt enter the car lot. This is Richard Harrison, patriarch of the Harrison family and one of the main characters from the show Pawn Stars.

Richard has owned these cars forever and they would have been worth a lot of money when they are properly restored as they are unique collector's items. Unfortunately, Richard showed up at the Pawn Stars shop only to find a bunch of assholes tearing apart his prize cars.

In his right hand, Richard has got a shotgun and he aims it right at Professor Dawkins. Using reflexes honed by years of demon hunting, Dawkins just barely manages to avoid having his head blown off.

This action puts buckshot into the engine of the car and makes Harrison even more pissed off.

Max struggled to take all of his computers with him and just grabs the information recorded on disc. "Oh shit, he got here a half an hour early."

Dropping his morning star, David Caretti follows Geoff, Armand and Max's examples and runs like hell. Richard Dawkins isn't far behind.

Meanwhile, Naruto picks up a rock and flings it at Harrison's head; pegging the old man just above his temple.

The old man stumbles and fires a shotgun blast into the ground, leaving the others with time to escape.

In no time at all, the Deadliest Warrior guys have hopped into their RV and are speeding down the road like the cops are after them.

Inside the RV, Dawkins sits across from Naruto. "I highly suspected that something was wrong when they cut the lock instead of just opening it," says Dawkins.

"Oh, now you say something," Naruto says sarcastically.

At the fight club, the three hosts reach a verdict as to what is deadlier.

"Morning star, definitely," says Geoff. "The kusari-gama has greater range but the field of raw killing power does and likely always will belong to the morning star."

Edge: Morning star

Announcer: Kicking into high gear we test the long range weapons. Team Benedict starts off with a medieval dealer of death which was the bane of cavalry everywhere; the longbow.

On a grassy field, quite unlike the desert where they usually test weapons, Maxwell stands with a great big bow and a quiver of arrows.

Max stares at Maxwell sceptically. "Uh, are you sure you can fire that thing?"

Maxwell seems pissed that the computer expert is doubting him. "Why wouldn't I be?"

"Um, you're looking pretty injured."

Geoff has noticed this as well. "Yeah, what happened to you?"

Maxwell grumbles. "Before being invited onto the show I had just been declared innocent at a pedophilia lawsuit; but the father of that incorrigible boy attacked me when I was leaving the courthouse and injured me." Well, that explains his black eye, injured neck and numerous other unseen injuries.

"But can you fire a bow?" says Armand.

"Of course I can!" Maxwell shouts, but the effort of shouting strains some of the stitches under his shirt and he winces in pain.

Set up some distance away are a series of dummies with targets painted on their chests. There are six dummies and a seventh more realistic one that is dressed up to look like a ninja.

Taking his first arrow, Maxwell notches it up and pulls back on the 150 lb. draw string.

Geoff gives the countdown. "In 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . FIRE!"

Maxwell lets his arrow fly and the arrow hits a dummy square in the chest. Grabbing another arrow, Maxwell lines up another target.

The arrow flies with hardly a sound; it strikes one dummy right in the face. Geoff and the guys cheer at Maxwell's marksmanship.

Two more arrows strike two more dummies before Maxwell decides to get the main target.

A shaft wizzes through the air and gets the dummy ninja right in the heart. Another arrow gets the main target right in the throat.

Easy as pie, Maxwell shoots down the last two dummies and pauses to pop some more pain killers because using a longbow is hard work.

The guys then stroll over to allow their resident doctor to assess the damage. Armand points to the dummy with the heart shot. "That guy is dead." He looks at a dummy that took a stomach shot and yanks out the arrow.

Estimating, Geoff assesses how deep the arrow went. "That's gotta be three inches of penetration, easy."

"More than enough to hit organs and vital structures," says Max, who's learned a few things about human anatomy during his time on the show.

"This is a liver shot," Armand explains. "This guy is going down and he'll bleed and bleed. It's not an instant kill but he'll be dead within minutes."

They examine the dummy that took a shot to the face. "This is interesting because it hits him in the cheek and exits just out the rear of the jaw." Armand yanks out the arrow and hands it to Maxwell. "From what I gather, the major artery is missing but you hit part of the brain and this guy could easily die of haemorrhage."

They examine the other dummies and come to an assessment. "Seven dummies, seven kills; four of them instant, the rest are slow kills."

"A slow death is exactly what that fat heathen Hitchens deserves," Maxwell drawls arrogantly, but it doesn't put a damper in Naruto's bright spirit.

"That's okay Father O'Pedophile; we've got something that'll blow Benedict's dentures right out of his head."

Announcer: The tanegashima—fourteenth century Japan's answer to the European arquebus.

In his hands Naruto holds a massive black powder gun. He spins around the weapon like a baton before throwing it in the air and catching it in a most dramatic way.

Naruto then aims the tanegashima at the camera. "Say hello to my little friend," he says with a boyish grin.

Naruto stands before the hosts and experts and begins to explain the gun he's using. "This here is the tanegashima; it's a black powder weapon named after the island of the same name."

"These were brought to Japan by the Portuguese and were improved upon by Japanese sword makers; who put their far superior metal working skills to great use."

"So how does this thing work?" asks Geoff.

"Well, this is a matchlock weapon; the gunpowder is ignited by a slow burning piece of cord," Naruto points to the little pan where the gunpowder goes on the side. "Unlike a European arquebus of the same time period, this baby comes with a lacquer cover to protect the powder and match when you're firing in the rain."

"Also unlike a European gun, the tanegashima's trigger has a spring mechanism for faster ignition of the powder; an arquebus trigger is just has a crude lever to turn the match."

Naruto holds up the gun in firing position. "Finally, this gun has a huge calibre; these things were designed to shoot down armoured samurai. This gun will have no problem shooting down a Roman dictator in white pyjamas."

David Caretti doesn't think highly of Naruto's weapon. "How fast can you reload that gun? By the time you reload, his holiness will have fired off at least a dozen arrows. And the longbow has a much greater range than any musket and it's accurate."

Naruto sniggers. "You hit me with an arrow, I might die. I hit you with my tanegashima; they'll be scraping pieces of you off the wall."

With all the posturing said and done, Naruto loads his gun and is given seven targets just like Maxwell was given.

Geoff gives the countdown. "In 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . FIRE!"

Without preamble, Naruto takes aim and fires off a shot. If the bow sounded like a whisper the tanegashima sounds like thunder.

BOOM!

A huge cloud of gun smoke spews out of the end of the gun and a musket ball strikes the dummy dressed like Pope Benedict right in the mouth.

Immediately Naruto must reload. He yanks out the ramrod tucked under the barrel of the gun, grabs a new musket ball and a can of black powder.

Unlike Maxwell's rapid fire shooting, Naruto is painfully slow to reload; he takes up to twenty seconds.

At last he has a shot and he lines it up. A well placed musket ball strikes a dummy in the head and exits clean out the back of it.

Despite the slow rate of fire, Naruto manages to fire off three shots in one minute while avoiding any misfires or misses. Although he comes close, he fires at one dummy and just avoids a grazing shot.

At last he's shot every one of the dummies but just for spite, Naruto decides to fire a final shot at the faux pope. The shot however isn't as accurate as the young ninja had hoped.

The ball strikes the faux pope in the leg just above the knee.

Naruto pauses to dramatically blow the gun smoke coming out from the barrel of his gun.

Professor Dawkins seems unimpressed by Naruto. "Do try to be a bit more humble, my lad."

Naruto scowls as he expected this sort of thing from the opposition but from his teammate. Still, it's a relevant lesson for the young ninja.

Upon closer inspection, it's immediately obvious that the tanegashima is much less accurate than the longbow. While Maxwell's bow repeatedly hit the same body parts, the face, the chest or gut; Naruto's musket balls have hit all over the dummies.

Armand looks at the first dummy; the musket ball has hit just above the crotch level.

"Ouch," says Geoff.

Armand looks at the wound on the dummy. "This would have gone through the bladder and possibly damaged the ligament that holds the pelvis together."

Digging into the wounded dummy, Armand pulls out the musket ball to find that it has flattened from impact. "Now this is very interesting. Since the ball flattened, it's going to do much greater damage to the surrounding tissues and structures than it had been made from a harder materiel."

"I'd say that this guy's bladder and lower intestine are burst; throwing him into shock and getting deadly e-coli bacteria in his blood. This guy is dead."

They walk over to the main target and Armand looks over the wounds. "Unlike a modern firearm, a musket ball will grind fabric and dirt into the wound due to its comparatively low velocity. This greatly increases the risk of infection."

The former ER doctor points to the leg of the fake pope. "There are many major arteries in the upper leg; if one of them has been hit then he could be dead within minutes."

"With a musket shot to the leg, this guy is looking at potentially a shattered leg bone. Best case scenario: he needs extensive physical therapy just to use this leg again."

Max just points at the fake pope's mouth. "So you really did blow his dentures out the door."

"Don't blaspheme," snaps Maxwell.

Richard Dawkins points to the pope dressed dummy and says snidely to Maxwell. "The faith of the pope isn't real; the musket ball to the teeth is."

Maxwell just growls angrily; the combination of David Caretti and the intense pain from his injuries stops Maxwell from duking it out with Dawkins right there.

Announcer: Back at the fight club, our experts review the data.

Max starts first. "Well, for sure the longbow is the more accurate weapon and with a faster rate of fire."

"Yeah, but the musket is far more lethal," says Geoff. "If an arrow hits you, that's bad. If a musket hits you, you're dead. At fifty yards each; the musket was the deadlier weapon."

Armand agrees. "A skilled gunman like Hitchens won't be able to hit a dollar at thirty feet with his tanegashima, but he can still shoot with it if he's wounded or tired; unlike the longbow which requires enormous physical ability that an eighty three year old pope may not have."

Edge: tanegashima.

Announcer: It's one for the Pope, king of the Catholics and one for Hitchens, Atheist in chief—but the game isn't over yet. There's still much to be done before the question is settled; who is deadliest?

At a table full of computers, Max stands next to Richard Dawkins. "So, you're not only an atheist; you're a demon hunter and a porn star?"

"That is correct," replies Dawkins.

"How can you be a demon hunter and not believe in God?"

"I don't need faith to hunt demons," says Dawkins. "When a demon repeatedly plunges its teeth into my arm; its existence is more than mere belief, it's fact."

Meanwhile, David Caretti works with Geoff to set up the next experiment. "Are you Catholic?" Geoff inquires innocently enough.

"Yes I am," says David. "And I support the Bishop of Rome. Benedict the Twenty-Sixth teaches us to put faith in something more than science and rationality; and he defends his flock with the help of God's love. There's more to this world than meets the eye and Benedict is the man who can help us see into the gaps."

Naruto is standing with Armand Dorian, each eating a bowl of Ramen noodles. "Have you ever seen any of Richard Dawkins's porno movies?" Naruto asks

"Not really," says Armand.

"They're pretty awesome; check this out." Naruto hands Armand a DVD which he examines with curiosity.

The good doctor reads the title of the DVD. "Dawkins does Jerusalem: see evolutionary biologist Richard Dawkins show the needy girls of the holy land a twelve inch reason why there is no god." Armand just looks at the DVD with a "wtf" look on his face. "Uh, you can keep it."

Announcer: At last, the medium range weapons test in which the Hitchens experts open with a razor sharp letter of the alphabet

Richard Dawkins holds up a razor sharp piece of metal shaped like an uppercase "A."

"I give you Christopher's own customized shuriken."

"What does the "A" stand for?" Geoff asks.

"It stands for anti-theist," Dawkins states matter of factly.

Geoff is slightly confused by this answer. "And what is that exactly?"

Dawkins lays it out for Geoff. "An atheist is someone who doesn't believe in God. An anti-theist is somebody who hopes there is no god."

"Why would any godless, brain dead heathen wish for that?" demands Maxwell.

Dawkins smiles easily at Maxwell. "You know the old question, 'is God watching me in the bathroom?" Well, Christopher dislikes the idea of anybody watching him in the bathroom, even if they did create the universe."

"But we're not here to discuss faith; we're here to test weapons."

Inside the fight club, Dawkins stands thirty feet away from a dummy dressed in authentic Samurai armour; the dummy itself is of the ballistics gel variety and even has realistic looking eyes peering out from behind an iron mask.

Max takes the stopwatch and warns the professor. "You ready, Richard?"

"As ready as I'll ever be," says Dawkins, clutching a killer A.

"In 3. . . 2 . . . 1 . . . GO!"

Dawkins hurls the first A at the dummy. It's a hit! The oddly shaped shuriken buries itself in the eye of the samurai dummy.

With a flick of the wrist, a second shuriken buries itself into the other eye of the dummy. In short order, two more deadly A's fly into the gaps in the dummy's neck armour.

With the test done, clapping can be heard. Maxwell is clapping sardonically at his enemy's "success."

"Well done," he drawls. "Nice toy you've brought. But we of the true faith have a weapon from God."

Announcer: The spear of Longinus; the deadly weapon that pierces the side of Christ as he lay on the cross.

David Caretti holds up an ornate spear decorated with gold lining and various jewels. Only the tip seems fully functional; long, sharp and made of steel. "For those who don't believe in God; we have a weapon which has God's own power in it."

"Are you going to throw that?" asks Naruto. "Because the ninjas have a word for that; it means disarming yourself."

David however is confident. "Trust me; the spear of Longinus always kills what it's thrown at."

To test the spear, David first is given a rope dangling from the ceiling. Swinging the spear sideways, the edge of the spearhead easily cuts through the rope despite the fact that it's not even taut.

Then comes the real test. Set up is a massive replica Spartan shield; the king of all shields.

David winds up in a classic spear throw move and throws—

And the spear penetrates!

The ornate spear of Longinus punches right through the Spartan shield, going in deep enough that it was certain to cause damage to the one holding it.

David then runs forward and yanks the spear out of the shield and jams it into a foam dummy with a Spartan bronze cuirass on its chest; again, the spear easily penetrates the armour, almost like it isn't there.

When all is said and done, the guys examine the damage. Geoff checks out the damaged Spartan shield. "It went right through the shield and got at least four inches of penetration; and the spot you hit it would have gone right through the shield holder's arm."

Geoff shakes his head. "I'm impressed; pretty much nothing gets through a Spartan's shield."

David replies confidently. "It's the power of God, my friends."

Announcer: While the killer A's are lethal in their own right, they can't stand up to the raw killing power of the Spear of Longinus.

Edge: Spear of Longinus

Now the close range weapons are next. For this test, Naruto is shown wielding a short, straight sword made of high carbon steel.

"Gentlemen," he says. "Meet the ninjato; a faster and deadlier draw than the katana."

Naruto then points at a ballistics gel dummy. "And I'm going to pretend that guy over there is boning my wife."

Naruto walks up to the dummy and starts to talk to it like Robert De Nero from Taxi Driver. "You talking to me? Are you talking to me?"

"I'm sure you're talking to me." He pauses. "Then who the fuck do you think you're talking to?"

An air horn goes off and the test begins.

Suddenly, Naruto takes the ninjato from its sheath and swings it sideways at the dummy. The blade goes clean through the skull and slices off the top half of his head.

Naruto grins at the dummy with only half a head. "That's for seeing my wife, bastard."

Armand checks the wound. "You cleanly sliced off the top half of his skull; everything above the nose is gone."

He picks up the half of the skull that hit the ground. "And his brain fell out."

Maxwell holds up his broadsword, narrowly avoiding stabbing Max with it. "But we have—uh!" Maxwell grunts in pain from his injuries. It looks like David is going to have to do this test.

David stands before a pig carcass dangling from the ceiling. At his side in a sheath is a broadsword, freshly sharpened and ready to strike down some hog flesh in the name of the almighty. Unlike Naruto, David doesn't feel the need to start quoting movies from the seventies. He merely puts his hand on the sheath and waits for the call to strike.

When the call is given and David yanks out the heavy sword. Swinging with all his might, he slices at the pig and cuts halfway through it. Pulling the blade out of the pig, he increases the damage done by slicing motion.

David then thrusts the sword to where the pig's heart is. Swinging again, he cuts the pig in half. Despite the pig being bisected, David doesn't stop and continues to hack and slash at the dead animal.

The only thing that stops him is the charging bull.

Yes, I said charging bull.

As David takes another hack at the pig, a thousand pound rampaging bull explodes through the nearest exit and sprays bull snot all over the camera right before goring the camera man.

"Look out!" shouts Max, who once again is forced to grab the hard drive from his computer and run like hell.

The angry bull promptly charges at David; luckily the medieval weapon's expert has honed instincts. Quickly, he side steps the bull and drives the sword right through its heart.

The bull bellows once and drops. It's not over yet though. An entire herd of angry bulls comes charging through exit door and they're all mad as hell.

They must have mad cow disease because they're destroying everything in sight; unlike the Mythbusters who proved that a bull in a china shop won't break a thing.

The athletic Geoff jumps and grabs a light fixture; puling himself up into the rafters to take avoid the oncoming bulls.

Injured though he may be, Maxwell is prepared for a situation like this. The cows were supposed to show up earlier and trample Naruto; but obviously Heinkel got the timing wrong.

Grabbing a hand grenade from his jacket, Maxwell pulls the pin and flings it into the herd of insane bulls.

An explosion shoots shrapnel everywhere and the smell of barbecue can immediately be detected.

Dawkins jumps into action. He takes the tanegashima and prepares to gun down a bull with a seventy fire calibre shot when suddenly—the gun misfires. "Damn," curses Dawkins; who then throws down the black powder gun and grabs his kusari-gama.

While Armand is being chased in circles by a particularly ornery bull, Naruto unleashes his Anti-Cow jutsu.

It takes a while, but with the help of some animal control officers they manage to herd the bulls out without killing too many of them.

Unfortunately the fight club is smashed to pieces and there's bull shit and piss everywhere. The whole place smells like a slaughterhouse that went all Animal Farm on the butchers involved.

Announcer: So while the fight club is being cleaned and repaired, the experts will take advantage of this nice sunny day to finish the testing and analysis.

Everybody is sitting under the shade of a big tree and it's very sunny out. Really, it's a lot nicer than the inside of that stuffy old fight club.

Sitting on the ground with a juice box each, Geoff, Armand and Max all review the Data from the final test.

Across the screen of Max's laptop appears footage of Naruto cutting through the dummy's skull. "The monitor reads his sword swinging in at sixty seven miles an hour."

"That's pretty quick," says Geoff as he takes a pull from his juice box.

The screen footage changes to show David Caretti with his broadsword.

Armand points at the first cut he made. "The only reason he didn't completely cut the pig in half was because he hit the pelvis; he really cut into the bone quite deep."

"But he only swung his sword from the sheath at fifty two miles per hour." Geoff points out, reading off of the computer screen.

"The broadsword definitely does more damage," Geoff notices.

"That's true, but this sword is designed to cut through armour; that's not going to be a factor in this fight." Armand assesses.

Max reaches a conclusion. "So for unarmoured combatants, the quickest draw will win the day."

Announcer: Now with the testing complete, it's time to see who will prevail in this battle of the Holy Father

Pope Benedict stands before the camera, from under his robes; he pulls out his broadsword and holds it in combat stance. The old man's eyes are pitiless and focused on nothing but the kill

Vs. the King of Mayhem

Christopher Hitchens sneaks up behind two gun wielding gangsters and slams their heads together, knocking them out.

The Defender of Christianity

A young Benedict in the middle ages fights Turkish soldiers, running one man through with his sword and impaling another on the spear of Longinus.

Vs. The champion of humanism

Hitchens is dressed in his black ninja clothes and stands with one foot on top of a dead Spartan. Suddenly he jumps out of the way as hidden snipers fire on him but can't seem to hit him for he is like a ghost.

The experts take a final go at why their guy is the best.

Maxwell stands before the camera. "The Teutonic knights were the most powerful warriors of the middle ages; they trained nonstop for war and they never forgot God's love."

"That is why we will win against a man who believes in nothing."

Dawkins now is interviewed. "Christopher doesn't believe in "nothing." He's a man of strong principles; he even had himself water boarded just to prove that it is torture."

"In the end, Christopher is going to kill for his beliefs."

Announcer: Each fighter has an X factor to consider; an intangible quality which leads them to victory on the battlefield.

For Hitchens, that factor is his incredible iron will.

"Yeah, crosses and prayer are good against vampires but we're talking about ninjas here," says Naruto. "Hitch isn't afraid of anybody. He doesn't care if you hate him; just the opposite."

"Plus," he adds, "Hitchens has mastered and invented the legendary Hitch Slap. That's a ninja jutsu so deadly that the Hokage of my village banned its use."

The camera shows a quick clip of Naruto using the Hitch Slap imperfectly. Naruto stands before a foam dummy. Then yelling out, he gives the dummy a cross between a pimp slap and a bitch slap. The force is so great that it bends the fabric of reality and the dummy goes flying into the stratosphere.

Max is standing before his bank of computers and is about to hit the "enter" button when he says to Richard Dawkins. "You know, you sort of look like Hermione Granger."

Dawkins blinks. "I'm sorry?"

"Hermione; you know, from Harry Potter?"

Dawkins just stares at Max and for several seconds an awkward silence dominates.

Finally Max mumbles, "I shouldn't have said that." Then hits the enter button.

Simulation:

It is a dark and stormy night and in his Washington home, Christopher Hitchens chills in front of the TV with a glass of scotch and some biscuits. His wife of some two decades is out shopping and she'll be home shortly. Christopher's favourite football team is even winning.

Meanwhile outside, Iscariot Assassins Heinkel and Yumie are to kill the famed atheist under his Holiness's orders. With her twin Desert Eagle handguns, Heinkel peeks into the front window. Behind her, Yumie the Berserker gun holds her sword in a waterproof cover, eager to spill some heathen blood.

In his easy chair, Hitchens sips at his glass of scotch—but when Heinkel peeks into the window, his eyes just briefly turn away from the TV screen and towards the window.

Heinkel looks into the window, preparing to fire a bullet into Hitchens's head. The loud thunder means that she won't need a silencer.

But Hitchens is gone.

No sooner does Heinkel see this than she feels something standing behind her and Yumie.

The Iscariot assassin has no time to think before Christopher Hitchens lands an iron fisted punch into her temple, knocking her to the ground.

Screaming the name of the man Jesus, Yumie draws her sword and prepared to slice the fat man in half; but Hitchens uses his kusari-gama to disarm her.

Not letting the loss of her weapon stop her, Yumie charges at Hitchens like a madwoman on drugs. Her blows are lightning fast and lethal to boot, but she's out of her league.

Moments later, Heinkel is dead and Hitchens is dangling Yumie off of his roof by the neck. "Who sent you?" Demands Hitchens.

Yumie tells Hitchens to go fuck himself. So Hitchens lets her drop into the impalement pit he keeps in his backyard just for these occasions. He doesn't stop to watch Yumie land in the punji sticks before examining the piece of fabric he tore off her habit. Iscariot: Section XIII, reads the label.

He knows who sent them now.

Entering his house, Hitchens goes up to the grandfather clock and turns the hands of the clock to midnight. Immediately it opens up to reveal a secret passage way to Hitchens's secret ninja lair.

In his underground lair, Hitchens grabs his ninjato, tanegashima, killer A's and kusari-gama.

At last, he dons his black ninja garb. The outfit covers his whole body; leaving nothing but his eyes exposed.

Packing his weapons onto his utility belt, Hitchens takes his ninjato and gets into a fighting stance.

RIP!

Hitchens has torn open the back of his ninja shirt wide open. Evidently he put on a bit of weight since his last ninja mission.

Upstairs he can hear his wife enter the house and he yells up to her. "Dear!"

"Yes honey?"

"I'm going to go and kill the Pope!"

"Be back before eleven!"

Vatican City, Before Eleven O'clock

In the magnificent city of Rome sits the Vatican, home of the world's oldest organization. In these hallowed halls, Popes and Cardinals and Bishops have interfered in foreign affairs, ordered assassinations, plotted inquisitions and spread around the religion of Christ.

Lately they've been afraid in the Vatican, because the forces of Islam have been becoming more and more militant in the world. The Vatican doesn't like the idea of a radical, militaristic faith bent on world domination; that's the rightful role of the Catholic Church.

The Holy Father is set to reveal a plan to combat the forces of Islam in all its forms. Little do the cardinals know, a shadow is in their midst.

The various security measures of the Vatican are no barrier to Christopher Hitchens; who evades guards and security cameras better than Sam Fisher ever could.

In a grand and glorious room, the Pope Benedict XXVI leads the Cardinals in prayer before they discuss their plan for world domination. For too long now, the influence of the church has been waning due to science and secularism; it's time to reverse the trend.

As the Pope starts to chant in Latin, the long barrel of a black powder Japanese gun peeks from the rafters. If all goes well, Benedict is going to take a seventy five Calibre musket ball to the head.

Hitchens holds the tanegashima to his cheek; unlike a European gun it's not mean to be pressed against the shoulder.

Unfortunately, fate intervenes. Hitchens's finger hits the trigger and the burning match snaps into place. There is a thunderous retort and a burst of smoke but the Pope is not killed.

By the grace of God, Benedict sneezed at the moment of the shot and the inaccurate black powder weapon took out one of the Cardinals.

Cardinal Joseph Bernardin of Chicago goes down with a musket ball to the heart.

All at once, everyone starts panicking. One of the Cardinals pulls out a shotgun from under his robes and starts firing it at the spot from where the musket shot came from.

Benedict however, doesn't look the least bit worried; just angry.

At that moment, the shotgun wielding Cardinal is reloading his weapon just as the Swiss Guard charge in with pikes and rifles. A second musket ball fires from the roof and takes down Cardinal Gerald Emmett Carter. The former Bishop of Toronto is now dead.

Tired at the incompetence of his minions, Benedict reaches behind his throne and pulls out the spear of Longinus and throws it farther and faster than any man of his age should be expected to be.

Hitchens has missed. That's not a surprise; this is a matchlock musket from Japan, not an Israeli sniper rifle.

While he failed to kill the pope, the game is not over yet. Metaphorically speaking, his trousers are barely down and Hitchens plans to make this last a while.

He knows Vatican security protocol like the back of his hand. With a little evasion, he can get to Benedict before they can get him to safety.

Suddenly, the fat ninja sees the ornate spear coming at him. He leaps back among the rafters but to his amazement the spear changes course in mid-air to follow him.

A slower man would have been run through, but Hitch evades by jumping behind a rafter.

To his utter amazement, the spear drives through the thick wood like it has a rocket engine behind it.

Using his psychic ninja awareness of the battlefield, Hitchens realizes that this is a magic spear and he must use his signature move to disable it.

As the spear drives through the wood, powered by Godly power; the fat man uses the Hitch Slap.

With a mighty and manly slap that would send Chuck Norris and Mr. T both home crying, Hitchens slaps the spear of Longinus like a naughty pet and immediately it stops moving.

Hitchens pulse never rose above moderate, even though the spear point is only a few inches from his face. He still has work to do.

The pope is being escorted by a squad of Swiss guards. They are going to take him to the papal bunker while they lock down the Vatican Palace and scour the place from top to bottom looking for the assassin.

The Pope doesn't like the idea of being shunted off into hiding. God preserved him in a glacier for a thousand years so he could bring morality to an amoral world.

Suddenly, the lights overhead go out with a pop. Several small, sharp pieces of metal hit the ground; they are shaped like uppercase A's.

While the Swiss guards fan out, Benedict already knows what's going to happen.

Drawing his broadsword strapped to his back, Benedict takes his steel implement of death and deftly uses it to block a fatal ninjato strike from Hitchens.

The Swiss guards all look around to see that Hitchens is in fact dangling from the ceiling by a grappling hook line and he's already descended like a spider and has struck at the Pope.

Hitchens drops to avoid being cut down by the Pope's broadsword and lands among the Swiss Guards. Skilled as they are, they prove no match for Hitchens who seems to be able to be anywhere but where the guards are looking at.

One Swiss Guard drops with a killer A in his neck. Another hits the ground when his skull is shattered by the metal ball on the end of Hitchens's kusari-gama.

Simultaneously batting aside a pike with his sword, Hitchens uses the chain on his kusari-gama to disarm a guard of his gun.

Suddenly, Hitchens ninja battle awareness comes into play (similar to the deadeye aiming system on Red Dead Redemption) and he ducks.

Benedict's razor sharp sword slices over the spot where Hitchens neck originally was.

Doing a backflip to avoid a downward blow from the broadsword, Hitchens finds that the pope is giving him no breathing room. He tries to use his kusari to disarm the pope but the old man is ready for it and disarms Hitchens instead.

The strikes come in fast and furious at Hitchens; who only just manages to block the strikes with his much lighter ninjato. It's very obvious from the way that Benedict fights that he needs no body guards to protect him.

Realizing that he can't keep this up, he goes on the offensive. When Benedict slices sideways with his big weapon, Hitchens ducks under the blow and thrusts his blade straight towards the Pope's belly.

Benedict however has the reflexes of a cat and lands a punch on Hitchens mouth.

Hitchens jumps back as the punch sends him reeling. Damn it! The fucking pope has a punch like the kick of a mule and a face that could bruise fruit.

Rolling to avoid a strike, Hitchens grabs his kusari-gama off the ground and flings the chain around the Pope's sword.

Pulling as hard as he can, Benedict struggles to avoid losing his sword. He and Hitchens meet eyes. This is more than a battle of strength; it's a battle of wills, of faith and of principles. Neither man can let the other live.

Suddenly, Benedict's broadsword flies from his hands.

Spinning the kusari-gama in a wide arc, he uses it to fling the broadsword towards a marble statue. The broadsword blade strikes the statue on the flat of the blade and breaks in half.

With a flick of his wrist, Hitchens dislodges the broken blade and catches the chain in his hand. Putting the kusari-gama at his belt, he reaches over his back and pulls out the freshly reloaded tanegashima.

Benedict is now beyond furious. The breaking of his sword is worse than anything except the worst of blasphemies. This is an insult that requires blood.

Hissing and spitting like an angry animal, Benedict jumps out of the way just as Hitchens pulls the trigger.

Unfortunately the gun misfires; the match has gone out. This doesn't stop Hitchens who drops his black powder weapon and flings a killer A at the Pope.

The sharp piece of metal slices a thin strip off of the pope's robes but Benedict is too agile. The old man has fled like some kind of demented Spider monkey.

If Hitchens is correct, he knows the Pope will be getting a weapon for himself. He's a Teutonic knight; war is a personal event as much as religious.

Quickly using his cigarette lighter to reignite the match, Hitchens goes forth and vanishes into the shadows like a spectre.

The whole Apostolic Palace is in a state of lockdown; all tourists are being cleared out. Meanwhile, unencumbered by his bodyguards, Benedict runs to a hidden door. Pressing a button disguised as an ornament. Benedict opens the secret storage compartment and pulls out a longbow, a quiver of arrows and a morning star.

Meanwhile, Hitchens uses the match on his matchlock gun to set fire to some velvet curtains. With any luck, a great honking big fire will create some confusion.

The Swiss Guards are mobilizing. They're dropping their pikes in favour of fully automatic weapons and storming the gilded halls of the Vatican in groups of five.

The Vatican library

The Pope stealthily moves from between the canyons formed by the giant book shelves. More than one million printed books and three quarters of a million manuscripts are housed in this sacred library of God.

The lights are all off; Hitchens has sabotaged the Vatican's power grid; for deception and theatrics are the weapons of the ninja. But it's okay.

Benedict doesn't mind a bit of night-time hunting.

The Pope's old arms hold his bow and arrow ready; a sneer printed across his face.

The old man spots something in the shadows; an ordinary man would have missed it but a Teutonic knight never would.

An arrow shaft whizzes from the Pope's bow and into the shadows.

Nothing; not the sound of a wounded man nor the sound of a falling body. No sound whatsoever.

Benedict grabs another arrow and notches it up. He knows his foe is still here. "Come out, devil," whispers Benedict.

Up near the ceiling, murals of angels and demons guard the library. One of those demons watches the pope with steel intensity. His black costume allows him to seamlessly blend into the shadows, leaving only his blue eyes to peer out and see all.

Acting on a gut feeling rather than on the senses of mortal men, God guides Benedict's hand to fire up high, near the ceiling.

The arrow flies true, but no sound can be heard.

Deciding that he ought to take to the higher ground, Benedict slowly and purposefully ascends the stairs into the second level of the library.

He walks over to the spot where he fired that arrow. In the shadows, he finds a ruined Japanese gun with an exquisite wood finish; the burning match glows faintly in the darkness. An arrow has damaged the firing mechanism; but there is no blood or any sign that the owner of that accursed gun is anything but alive and well.

"Over here,"

Benedict spins around with his bow. He heard something, just a ghost of a whisper barely into the human range of hearing.

"You missed,"

Benedict turns around as the voice comes from a completely different direction. Unnerved but trusting in God, the old man takes the tension off the bow and grabs two more arrows from the quiver.

He pulls the bowstring ready again; this time with three arrows ready to fire at once.

Slowly, Benedict closes his eyes and just listens. His heartbeat slows down and his breathing becomes more relaxed. He longs for the days when he fought honourable opponents; now everyone is an assassin, a suicide bomber or a coward. There's no honour left in the world.

Then acting with the speed of a striking cobra, Benedict aims at the shadows and fires the three arrows.

The old man stops and notches another arrow. Uneasily, he stares at the shadows with his bow ready.

Nothing happens for fifteen seconds.

Fifteen.

Ten.

Nine.

Eight

Benedict struggles to hear, but he can sense nothing. It's like fighting a ghost.

Seven.

The pope takes a step closer.

Six.

The weight of the morning star is comforting to him.

Five.

He squints in the darkness.

Four.

Could his enemy be dead?

Three.

If so, then God be praised.

Two.

In the shadows, Benedict sees something.

One.

Something shaped like an "A."

Out from the shadows, three razor sharp A's fly at Benedict with lethal intent.

The old man jumps aside, but one of the A's slashes at his cheek and spills blood down his white robes.

From a totally opposite direction, Christopher Hitchens leaps with his ninjato sword, gleaming in the light.

Benedict skitters back like a spider but his bow is cut in half. No matter, as Hitchens charges he pulls out the deadliest part of his arsenal.

Hitchens dodges as Benedict swings the morning star forward with almost no prior momentum. Truly he's a warrior of skill; he's also a right bastard who believes that condoms cause Aids instead of prevent it. For that alone he must die.

Christopher throws more killer A's at Benedict.

But in a surprise move, Benedict grabs the business end of the morning star just under the spiked ball and starts to swing around the handle; a risky proposition in itself. Then he uses the swinging handle to knock the killer A's from midair.

Not willing to let his enemy jump back into the shadows, the Pope charges forward and sticks to Hitchens like Velcro.

The head of the morning star flies to and fro like a deadly comet. Hitchens's relatively light ninjato is barely useful in blocking it. Sparks fly in the darkness where Hitchens blocks the heavy ball and chain.

Outside, all is chaos as Italian authorities struggle to keep back the crowds as two men fight to the death on top of the Vatican Palace.

Hitchens and Benedict are ducking, weaving, bobbing and just struggling to find an opening in the other's defenses.

Despite neither of them being in peak physical ability, they jump and fly and duck like a couple of acrobats.

The Pope's cheek is bleeding and during their battle, Christopher's face mask was torn off and how he's battling with his blonde hair flying in the wind.

Suddenly everything goes into slow motion.

Benedict and Hitchens charge at each other. The morning star swings through the air and the ninjato is falling in a slashing arc.

As the two men move in slow motion, victory could go to either man.

Hitchens however, has one last trick—quite literally—up his sleeve.

From out of his sleeve, like a hidden poker card, Hitchens catches a killer A; it's his last one.

They're almost on top of each other now when Hitchens flings the A. But can he strike the pope with it before he gets killed by the morning star.

In slo mo brutality; the morning star just grazes Hitchens on the shoulder and rips off a large chunk of skin.

The Pope however is not so lucky. The killer A has struck him in the heart.

In pain, the old man puts his hand to his heart and starts to fall off the edge of the Vatican.

Before he falls, Benedict looks at Christopher Hitchens and suddenly an almost comical "what the fuck?' expression comes over his features.

The Pope is not mad at God; he just thinks that his death should have been more glamorous.

The slow motion ends as the Pope plummets to his death from the top of the Apostolic Palace.

People in the crowd, many of them devoted Catholics, scream as the corpse of the holy Papa hits the cobblestones.

Wounded and exhausted from the fight, Hitchens looks down at the Pope as he lays spread eagle on the concrete.

On the ground, an Italian Policeman can see a figure on top of the Palace but can't make out his features. Putting two together, the Policeman pulls out his sidearm and screams at the figure. "You murderer!"

On the Vatican roof, Christopher Hitchens breaths deeply as he clutches his sword.

A scrap of paper in the wind briefly blocks and camera and when it passes—Christopher Hitchens is gone.

CHRISTOPHER HITCHENS WINS!

Stats:

Christopher Hitchens: 563 kills

Ninjato-197 kills

Kusari-gama-223 kills

Killer A's-43 kills

Tanegashima-100 kills

Pope Benedict XXVI: 437 kills

Broadsword-87kills

Morning star-237 kills

Spear of Longinus-88 kills

Longbow-25 kills

Geoff shows up. "Out of a thousand battles, Christopher Hitchens took the lead."

"The Pope's weapons were designed for taking out armoured opponents; in this case it meant that his strikes were slower," says Max. "Sorry, but it looks like Nietzsche was right when he said that God is dead."

Armand shows up next. "In this case, precision won over brute force. With the exception of the tanegashima, Hitchens had the more accurate weapons."

David Caretti is slightly downed by the turn of events. "I'm surprised by the fact that the Pope was beaten by a bloated, alcoholic douche bag."

Maxwell is livid. He's packing a crossbow left over from the Knight vs. Pirate episode. "I will end these blasphemers!" he shouts.

He goes to fire the crossbow from the hip but he misses. Rubbing some salt into the wound is the fact that the crossbow bolt accidently got caught on Maxwell's pants and tore them right off; exposing his skinny legs and heart patterned boxer shorts.

Maxwell yelps in alarm and tries to fire another shot; causing him to lose his shirt also.

The Devil appears before the camera. "I'm the Prince of Darkness and I support Christopher Hitchens and made his victory possible." The devil smiles widely.

Suddenly, Richard Dawkins jumps up behind the devil and stabs him fatal with a dagger. The devil gurgles and cries out before falling dead.

Richard Dawkins has killed the devil. "Damn demon," he curses.

The three hosts are standing by the computers. "That was an interesting match," says Geoff.

Suddenly, there is a ringing noise, like a doorbell. "I'll get it," says Dawkins.

Dawkins walks up to the front door and opens it. Outside he finds a Japanese man in a kimono wielding a katana; and he's mad as hell.

"Where is Naruto Uzumaki?" demands Tetsuro Shigematsu; the man who served as a Samurai expert on the show. "He stole from me."

"He stole, what exactly?" asks Dawkins.

"He took my family's tanegashima; the beating I'm going to lay on him will be indescribable."

Dawkins nods. The tanegashima did look awfully real; too real to be a replica.

Dawkins turns around and sees that Naruto has gone.

Well, there's nothing left to do but invite the man in for a snack.

---

And that's a wrap! I loved doing this match. I really did. Now, I do not hate Catholics and I do not endorse killing priests. Far from it. What I do however not like is fundamentalism. Anybody who says that we should kill all not of our faith, I don't like you; doesn't matter what your faith.

And feel free to choose your own religion. Freedom of religion rocks!

To those of you who wonder, there is a picture where Richard Dawkins looks like Hermione Granger. Right here. 

Next match will be a fan request: Anakin Skywalker vs. Sarah Kerrigan. See two of Sci-Fi's biggest bads go at it ;)

I hope you liked this and weren't offended.

Ta

Master of the Boo