Doctor Who vs. Invader Zim

Master of the Boot's Deadliest Warrior

Dr. Who vs. Invader Zim

Disclaimer: I do not own Zim or Dr. Who. They are owned by Nickelodeon, Jhonen Vasquez and BBC. This chapter contains violence and a jolly good time. So read and review :D

Announcer: Invader Zim, would be conqueror of the Planet Earth and the most hated Irken in the Irken Empire.

Cue to a shot of a grinning alien with green skin, jagged antennae and pure red eyes.

Announcer: Dr. Who, the legendary Time Lord who time and time again kicks the ass of oppression where he finds it.

The screen shows a tall, gangly man with a thick mop of brown hair and a red bowtie.

Announcer: At the fight club in LA, the two contestants will be evaluated, tried and then set to face each other off in a hypothetical duel to the death.

The Doctor and Zim are shown locked in a struggle of life and Death. They wrestle each other, snarling and foaming like a pair of starving bulldogs.

It will be a battle with no safety, no rules and no mercy.

A brief clip is shown of a young man with black hair firing a laser gun at a gel dummy and an elderly man sets up some kind of bomb.

Enter into a world of combat where the title of supremacy is contested by an unpredictable maniac

Zim cackles and pilots an Irken attack mecha, failing to realize that the planet he's destroying is his own.

Versus a reckless cad

The Doctor opens a metal door wide, giving him a full view of a pack of murderous weeping angels, ready to strike the instant he blinks.

A 360 degree spread of firepower

Zim laughs like a madman while recklessly blasting everything around him. If GIR gets hit, he'll probably just move on.

Versus deadly skill

With a rapier in one hand and a sonic screwdriver in the other, the Doctor singlehandedly holds off the vampires of Venice.

All in the quest to determine for once and all

Who

Is

Deadliest?

Announcer: Inside the fight club all are aquiver with excitement as our team of experts prepare for another exciting match.

The show's fight doctor Armand Dorian appears before the camera.

Announcer: Former ER surgeon and UFC fight Doctor Armand will tell us who is quick and who is dead.

Armand gives the spread. "This is going to be a very even match between two alien menaces. I haven't seen enough yet to give either side an advantage. The eleventh version of the Doctor doesn't really kill, but he's proven more than capable of doing it. Zim is very willing to use lethal force but he lacks the competence to execute a clean kill."

Announcer: Biomedical expert and black belt Geoff Desmoulins will measure the lethality of the weapons against each other.

The studley Geoff stands in front of a rack chock full of lethal weapons. "I have to give the initial edge here to the Doctor. He's proven to be versatile, he can think quickly under fire and besides; Zim is a total idiot. The guy failed everything he's ever done."

Announcer: Master of Computers Max Geiger has a very different take on how the fight is going to play out.

"I'm definitely going to give this one to Zim. The Doctor is good, but in a duel to the death Zim isn't going to hesitate to pull the trigger. Also he's going to have help from GIR; however useless that might prove to be."

Announcer: Recruited from outside are four experts who know the Doctor and Zim inside and out.

For team Zim we have Zim's arch nemesis Dib and fellow invader, Skoodge.

Skoodge is an Irken Invader, just as Zim is. He's short, has jagged antennae and red eyes; but he looks more in control of himself than Zim.

Dib is an elementary school student obsessed with the paranormal. He has a large head, bizarre geometric curl at the front of his scalp and small glasses over his beady eyes. The Goth dressed child is hardly taller than Zim himself.

Announcer: Showing up to represent Team Who is none other than Amy Pond, companion of the Doctor and River Song, the Doctor's future wife that he hasn't married yet.

Amy Pond is an enthusiastic young redheaded girl from Northern England, originally from Scotland. She's bouncing up and down with excitement while wearing temporary Dr. Who tattoos on her cheeks.

Dr. River Song is an older woman with bright blond hair and her very presence oozes seduction. She's a milf and a half, no two ways about it.

The camera then takes obligatory time to interview the guests.

Amy Pond goes first. "The Doctor is great—and stuff like that. He'll win; I'd bet on it."

Invader Skoodge takes the spotlight next. "The Doctor is weak," the blocky Irken trumpets. "He may be good against the feeble Daleks but he is no match for an Irken Invader!"

River Song comes next, ever the sophisticated dame. "I have every confidence in the Doctor," she purrs. "I know him better than anyone else: I even know his real name."

The camera operator says something off screen which causes River to frown slightly. "No, I will not tell you his name. It's a secret."

Finally Dib steps up to bat. "Zim is the greatest threat this planet has ever faced (sort of.) He's diabolical and a clinical narcissist. If his delusions are threatened, he becomes dangerous like a wild, wounded animal."

Stats: Zim

Home world-Irk

Affiliation-Irken Empire

Height-4'2''

Weapons-Laser gun, PAK, Organ harvester, GIR

Favourite Movie-Natural Born Killers

The Doctor

Homeworld-Gallifrey

Affiliation-Shadow Proclamation, Time Lord Empire (defunct), British Empire, Torchwood

Height-6'4''

Weapons-Sonic screwdriver, Jammie Dodger bomb, TARDIS, hand mirror

Favourite Movie-Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince

Announcer: Taking the bull by the horns, our Zim experts surge forth with Zim's deadly laser

Invader Skoodge holds up a laser gun that looks like something out of retro science fiction. It has a tubular shaped barrel with a utilitarian handle and is red in colour.

"This is a standard SMEG Laser Makers laser gun; the standard sidearm of the Irken armed forces. As a direct energy weapon, it suffers from no recoil and Irken technology permits a power source strong enough to generate a laser beam which is nearly a million degrees hot."

"That sounds pretty lethal," Max remarks.

Dib scoffs at Max. "You have no idea the number of times I've nearly been toasted." Everybody just looks at the boy. Dib lowers his head. "Well, okay, I wasn't shot at very often—but give me some credit. Nobody else at school thought it was weird that the kid had green skin."

Armand shakes his head. "It's the carpets. Carpet fibres continually fragment into dust and children breath that dust when they're young; causing all kinds of health problems including autism and asthma. Don't even get me started on the preservatives in the food."

Dib looks up at Armand hopefully. "So you're saying that my classmates are retarded because they sniffed carpet as babies?"

Armand looks hesitant. "I really don't want to use the word "retar—

"Thanks, doctor," Dib beams happily.

"Yeah, uh, no problem," Armand isn't sure how to feel at having accidently validated Dib.

Regardless, it's time for testing. For this event, a dummy of ballistics gel has been made special for this occasion.

Invader Skoodge sits ready with his laser gun. The safety glasses on his head are comically oversized and they keep slipping. It's a miracle that they can stay on his head at all.

Behind the ballistics is a wall of plastic water tanks which are placed in a layer thick enough to absorb the heat of the laser if Skoodge's weapon should over penetrate.

Per tradition, Geoff holds the stop watch and gets ready to give the countdown. "Okay Skoodge, your job is to fire that weapon until you are certain that you have a confirmed kill. Are you ready!"

"For the Irken Empire!" comes Skoodge's squeaky shout.

"In 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . FIRE!"

Almost anticlimactically, Skoodge pulls the trigger. A millisecond or two passes before a red laser beam shoots out of the gun's alignment array. The beam shoots straight through the face of the dummy and burns a baseball sized tunnel in the face and out the top of the head; since Skoodge is so short.

Skoodge holds the trigger and then drags the beam downwards, striking the water tanks and giving off sprays of superheated steam. The dummy itself has a deep canyon cut into it as thick as a baseball, as though it's been erased down the middle by a magical eraser.

Once he has cut down to the sternum of the dummy, Skoodge releases the firing mechanism and takes off the absurd safety glasses which wouldn't have done anything to protect him anyhow.

The Irken invader surveys the damage he has done with pride. "I declare the target dead," he announces.

Announcer: However our target isn't dead until Armand gives the word.

In this case it looks like Armand's expertise may not be needed. "The first shot completely vaporized the brain; all that's left is a little trace of the meninges and the bottom half of the brain stem."

Armand's finger trails down the body in the burn trench. "The laser beam annihilated the spinal cord as well as burning the heart. However it only burns half the heart. If you look through the semi-transparent ballistics gel, you can clearly see that the other half of the heart is totally untouched."

The two hosts look on as Armand physically tears out the dummy's imitation heart. "If you look at it this way, the half that still here is just fine. There isn't even any blistering or signs of heat trauma on it."

Dib doesn't see the significance of Armand's statement. "So what? A human with half a heart is still a dead human."

Armand agrees but disagrees. "That's true, but the Doctor isn't human. As a Time lord he has a binary cardiovascular system; he has two hearts. If one heart is destroyed, he can still function impaired with one heart."

Geoff elaborates on what Armand is saying. "So the head shot is a kill but the heart shot is not."

"That's right," affirms the fight doctor.

Announcer: With no time to waste, our Doctor experts get to work on the Time Lord's most iconic tool of the trade: the sonic screwdriver!

Inside the fight club, River Song is shown holding up a pen shaped device. For a moment, she presses one of the buttons on it and three identical metal plates open up to reveal a green light on one end. As she does this, the device makes a whirring noise.

"Gentlemen," she explains, "this is the sonic screwdriver. This is the sword of the Doctor. Even when he used a gun in his past versions, he was never far from one of these."

Geoff and the experts take it all in with rapt fascination while Invader Skoodge just shakes his head dismissively.

"Designed on the Doctor's home planet by the Doctor, this is one of the most versatile tools in the history of the galaxy."

Amy Pond finishes off the explanation for River. "Duct tape, eat your heart out."

Geoff looks to his fellow companions. "That sounds impressive," he says, "but can it kill."

"That would be a resounding 'no" says River. "A sonic screwdriver is non-fatal to carbon based organic life forms; though it is highly effective against mechanical, cybernetic and nanotechnological constructs."

Skoodge laughs heartily at Dr. Song. "RAHAHAHAH! Inferior so called weapon."

Little does Skoodge realize that nobody mocks River Song, nobody. So she points the sonic screwdriver at Skoodge and hits the device to its highest setting.

The screwdriver emits a high pitched, glass shattering whine. The force of it causes Skoodge to get to his knees and scream as the lens of the camera cracks and turns the picture into an amateur kaleidoscope.

Technical Difficulties please stand by

Invader Skoodge keeps screaming long after Dr. Song stopped hitting the button on the device. Once he's screamed it all out Skoodge gets on his knees and grabs whatever passes for ears on his extraterrestrial head.

Geoff is rapidly tapping on his ear cartilage, trying to get his hearing back. "Oh man, I'm going to hear the phone ringing all day."

Max, used to blasting his iPod all day, hardly even seems affected. "That was amazing. You've completely incapacitated Invader Skoodge and you yourself are completely unaffected.

River Song blushes at the nerd's praise. "Thank you, Max."

"WHAT!" shouts Skoodge; his hearing still completely gone.

Announcer: With that test done, all that's left is to see the effectiveness of the sonic device on the Irken's laser weapon.

Amy Pond stands with a fully functional Irken Laser gun on display. In her hands is the Doctor's screwdriver.

"Amy!" calls Geoff, "Are you ready!"

"Oh, bring it on," shouts Ms. Pond.

"3. . . 2. . . 1. . . GO!"

With a look of determination, Amy points the screwdriver like a gun and hits the button. Immediately the device lights up and whirrs. At the same time, the Laser gun gives off a slightly anti-climactic shower of sparks.

Dib picks up the Laser gun and gives the trigger a squeeze. Absolutely nothing happens. "It's been disabled," Dib says.

"WHAT!" Skoodge shouts. "I'M SORRY; I THINK I'VE LOST MY VOICE!"

After Skoodge's shouting fit the experts come to a conclusion.

Geoff indicates his main man Armand. "So, what do we have from the biology front?"

"Well, the laser was a kill, but only because he hit the Doctor in the head. Time Lords are far more resilient than humans or Irken," Dr. Armand explains. "Even if he only has one half of a heart working, the Doctor can still survive in a coma like state."

Max speaks up. "Also the sonic screwdriver was capable of nullifying the laser gun and taking it out of the picture."

"Yeah, but the laser kills," Geoff points out.

"True," Max concedes, "but if you bring a sonic screwdriver to a laser fight, your enemy might as well be brining in a feather duster. We should go with the screwdriver."

Geoff looks to Armand. "Screwdriver for you too?"

Armand nods.

Edge: The Doctor

Announcer: Coming up, things get intense when we test our medium range weapons

The PAK, multipurpose tool of the Irken Armed Forces; good for increasing mobility and impaling foes on the spiderlike legs.

Screen shows an Irken with several long, mechanical legs coming from a compact pack on his back.

Before the camera, Invader Skoodge stands with on the four metal legs of the PAK. "This, Earth Scum," he explains, "Is the PAK. It is the Swiss army knife of the Irken armed forced. Not only does it enhance an Irken's mobility in any environment but it also doubles as a deadly weapon."

River Song is less than impressed by this weapon. "Any environment, did you say? As I seem to remember, the Irken Armada suffered major mechanical problems with their PAKs in Gand's corrosive ammonia atmosphere. Or in Bajor's swamp regions on the southern continent, water damage and native insects all but rendered this technology useless; but I could be wrong." Dr. Song finishes roasting Skoodge with a matronly smile on her face.

Dib jumps to the defence of this Irken weapon. "Look Lady, you wouldn't diss this stuff if you got stabbed through the heart with one of the high tech legs. This is alien tech and you can't underestimate something like that."

River Song dismisses Dib with a wave of her hand. "Oh dream on, you little wanker." Dib bristles at this insult but says nothing to the stately woman before him.

Announcer: To test the lethality of this versatile weapon a pig carcass has been set up to act as a stand in for the Doctor.

In front of Skoodge a pig carcass hangs from a hook. To make things more realistic, the pig has been fitted with a wig that looks just like the Doctor's mop of brown hair.

From inside the PAK, a mechanical limb comes out with a targeting scope on the end. The scope fits easily over Skoodge's eye.

In Skoodge's POV we can clearly see the scanner analyzing every aspect of the pig, including the wig that Max quickly taped to the hog's head.

Max is standing ready with the stop watch. "Skoodge, are you ready?"

Skoodge shouts proudly. "Bring it, Earth Scum!"

Max ignores the species slur. "In 3 . . . 2. . . 1 . . .FIRE!"

Immediately, four mechanical limbs launch themselves out of the PAK and Skoodge goes skittering forward on them.

Immediately, Skoodge makes a strike. A long metallic limb shoots out and goes through the pig's heart. The limb is immediately retracted and it pulls out the pig's heart.

Not done with the Target, Skoodge rears up on the back legs of the PAK and used the forelimbs to slice and disembowel the pig. Huge amounts of blood and intestine take their place as floor decoration.

To finish off the job, Skoodge thrusts one of the spiked legs through the pig's skull, punching a neat hole in the wig.

His grisly work done, Skoodge proudly brandishes the bloody wig as a trophy.

Max just laughs at the carnage wrought by the PAK. "That is total annihilation!"

Skoodge nods in pride at the success of his weapon as Dib explains a few more of its features.

"The PAK isn't just a weapon; it's a highly versatile tool able to sustain an Irken soldier in the field."

At a gesture from Dib, Skoodge activates one of the PAK's utility arms, which ends in a frying pan with a built in heater, for frying up breakfast.

Amy Pond is taken aback by the savage display with the pig carcass. Her certainty of the Doctor winning this fight isn't so strong anymore.

River Song however remains unflappable. The golden haired woman merely points the sonic screwdriver at the Pak and depresses the button. The device emits a high pitched whirr as sparks fly from Skoodge's machine.

The PAK's mechanical legs shudder, startling Skoodge. Without warning, the frying pan arm starts to bash Skoodge over the head.

Each hit of the pan on Skoodge's head results in a loud CLANG! Dib gets behind Skoodge and frantically tries to hit the safety deactivation circuit.

Geoff gives River an appraising look. "There's nothing that thing won't do, is there?"

River smiles, "As was stated previously; it's better than duct tape."

Announcer: Our experts move on to test the Doctor's medium ranged weapon, the Jammy dodger bomb. Unfortunately due to legal issues we've had to bring in a UN approved weapons tester. So enter Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart.

The Brigadier appears before the camera. He is an upright and stately British officer of UNIT: the Unified Intelligence Taskforce. A dear friend of the Doctor and a veteran warrior against all manner of alien menaces, the Brigadier is perfect to aid in testing the Doctor's issues.

Looking straight ahead, the Brigadier informs the camera. "As a member of UNIT, I have had the pleasure of working alongside the Doctor for nearly twenty years. I know him better than anyone."

Off to the left, Skoodge and Dib eye the brigadier with suspicion. Skoodge fears that a squad of UNIT soldiers will bust onto the set and haul him away for war crimes. Dib just wants to know where the hell these bastards were all those years that Zim was attending school with him.

The Brigadier addresses the audience with a characteristic stiff upper lip. In a way he resembles the Imperial Officers from the original Star Wars movie. "Rest assured that my presence will no way interrupt with the enjoyment of your American television program."

No sooner does the Brigadier say this than a small, humanoid robot jumps on the man's back.

The Brigadier reaches behind him and tries to yank off the shiny metal construct, but the diminutive machine's grip is too tight.

To the surprise of everyone except a few, the robot begins to shriek gleefully. "BANGERS AND MASH!" The robot's voice is high pitched and extremely irritating.

As the Brigadier desperately tries to kick the robot off his back, River Song is totally confused. "What on earth is that?"

Max explains to the woman. "That's GIR, Zim's robot assistant. I locked him up in a broom closet but it looks like he got out."

GIR finally jumps off of the Brigadier's back, causing the elderly British gentleman to stumble and trip headfirst into a rack full of guns. There's a terrible clatter as Lethbridge-Stewart and all the guns hit the floor somewhat painfully. "Shit." Curses the Brigadier.

GIR is a rather cute looking droid. Possessing a large head as well as nonthreatening cyan eyes and chest screen, the diminutive bot looks hardly like a dangerous part of Zim's master plan.

Geoff then motions for Amy. "Uh, hey, Amy, can you take GIR into the shed in the back for me?"

Amy nods and then takes GIR by the hand. "Oh, look at the cute little robot man," she gushes affectionately.

"I saw a convicted rapist," says GIR. Amy blinks her eyes like she can't believe what he just said. "He was doing like this," GIR elaborates. The robot starts to make thrusting motions with his pelvis.

Announcer: Uh... moving on! The test for the Jammy dodger begins.

In the outdoor bomb testing area, the Brigadier holds up something that looks exactly like a little cookie with a jelly center.

"This little cookie with a jelly center is exactly what it looks like."

The three hosts give Lethbridge-Stewart a blank look. "It's really a cookie?" says Armand.

The UNIT officer responds in the affirmative. "Indeed, Mr. Dorian. It is an ordinary cookie until the Doctor imbues it with an energy matrix generated in the heart of the TARDIS. When he does that, this cookie becomes a lethal explosive that can down a Dalek mother ship with the proper application.

Geoff is the first to respond to the Brigadier's info. "Well, the Doctor won't be fighting Daleks this time. Let's see what that can do to an Irken ship."

Set up in the designated target area is an Irken Voot runner, a type of small spacecraft which functions as a long range star fighter. As far as spacecraft goes, it's highly versatile, easy to repair and highly manoeuvrable without sacrificing too much protection.

Invader Skoodge gives a little lesson about the Voot Runner. "The Voot line of spacecraft were designed in response to repeated Dalek invasions on the Irken Empire; incursions which were repelled."

"Then this will be the perfect test of the Doctor's weapon then; a spaceship that can be disabled by a bee," smirks River. Both Dib and Amy look at River like she just said something crazy.

Announcer: For safety's sake, the Brigadier will remotely detonate the Jammie Dodger bomb.

The Brigadier gently sets down the cookie on a bull's-eye. Satisfied that the Jammie dodger is set down properly, he pulls from his coat a strange device that looks like part scanner and part game boy. After adjusting the knobs for a few minutes over the cookie, a light flashes green and the Brigadier stands up. Partly hidden by the brim of his cap, the Brigadier has a large band-aid on his forehead.

Out of the blue comes GIR, like a bat out of hell. Like a bad odor, he's back. Landing once more on the Brigadier's back, GIR shrieks out. "SANTA CLAUSE!"

In vain, the Brigadier tries to club GIR over the head with his scanner thingy.

Like a flea finished feeding on its target, GIR cackles in a childish way and hops off. Losing balance once more, the Brigadier lands right on top of the exploding cookie.

Luckily, the Brigadier suffers no worse damage than a bunch of crumbs on the back of his jacket. But they'll need a new cookie.

Finally, a short while later everything is set up. The Brigadier is a little more pissed off for the wear but he's alive and well. In his hand he holds the detonator, ready to go off.

Geoff starts the countdown. "Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart, are you ready to fuck shit up?"

"Yes sir!" shouts the British career soldier.

It starts. "3... 2... 1... FIRE IN THE HOLE!"

One minute there is a cookie next to a Voot Runner. The next second that cookie explodes into a fiery mass of superheated matter and all manner of energy. The Voot Runner is torn apart like a bug hitting a windshield at highway speed. Chunks of purple alien building material are scattered everywhere.

About twenty miles east, Les Stroud, the famous Survivorman is surviving in the desert environment that the Deadliest Warrior boys use to test their weapons. Les is just showing the camera how he finds water when he suddenly gets showered by pieces of falling Voot Runner. "Oh, fuck me," curses Les as he grabs the camera and tries to run for shelter.

Back at the fight club, the guys are still cackling over the destruction they witnessed. "I'm not a violent man," Armand confesses, "but that was sweet."

"Yeah," agrees Max. "It was all cool and blue, like a fireworks display but more lethal."

Geoff is every bit as stoked as his comrades. "I completely agree. So, which weapon gets the edge?"

Max knows his stuff. "The Jammy Dodger, hands down. The PAK is lethal but the cookie bomb is lethal-er-er: that's lethal to the power of awesome."

"I'm with Max on this one," Armand injects.

Geoff finally nods. "So Jammy Dodger Bomb gets the edge. Hey guys, somebody should go find GIR."

Max sighs and then picks up a baseball bat and a dog catcher's net from the floor. "I'll go get him."

From down the hall, Amy Pond can be heard screaming. "HE'S IN THE GIRL'S BATHROOM!"

Max curses to himself. "Shit." He wished that GIR's off switch actually worked.

Edge: The Doctor

Announcer: With Medium testing complete, it's time to move onto long range weapons. The Doctor's team opens up with the Time Lord's legendary time machine, the TARDIS!

The team on the show all are gathered around a large blue telephone box of the type that used to appear in England from the fifties to the late sixties. River Song proudly stands in front of the blue box. "Behold the Doctor's greatest weapon: the Time And Relative Dimensions In Space!"

Max's inner nerd is acting up. "Man, I'm tingling just standing near it."

"Tingle away, my friend," says River. "This is more than a machine, it is a living, growing, thinking life form grown on Gallifrey to serve as the time travelling steeds of the now extinct race of Time Lords."

Dib is shocked by the revelation. "That thing is alive!"

Amy is similarly shocked, but not as badly. "He's got a point. That's alive?"

Geoff and company ignore the surprise of Dib and Amy. In the background, the Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart keeps out a watchful eye in case GIR decides to return to his old shenanigans. "So, tell us; what kind of offensive capabilities does this thing have?"

In her hand, River holds a small handheld remote that vaguely resembles an old gameboy. In fact, it looks exactly like a game boy. "The TARDIS is normally designed for defence rather than offense. The outer hull is sturdy enough to withstand almost any direct energy attack. The force field stops everything else and it's the only vehicle in the galaxy to have a powerful enough drive to escape the pull of a black hole."

Armand poses the question that's nagging at the minds of his and his compatriots. "How would you kill someone with this machine?"

Dib seems rather shocked at the idea of a "weapon" with no offensive capabilities. "It doesn't shoot lasers or anything? This thing sucks."

River Song gives Dib a hard look. "Look here young man; you are not too big for me to spank."

Announcer: The testing is set up. In place of a live target we have a ballistics gel dummy.

The dummy sits ready. Meanwhile, The Brigadier and Dr. Song are fighting over the game boy remote. "Madam," huffs the Brigadier as he tries to yank it from Dr. Song, "I am an officer of UNIT. I demand you give me this bloody remote!"

River Song pulls back with equal determination. "Not on your life, you senile old codger!"

As the two fight over the game boy, we can see that Amy Pond has got her own game boy. "Yeah, just keep fighting, grand and gran," she mutters while hitting the "on" button.

Right on schedule, the TARDIS begins to rise from where it is sitting; propelled by an invisible force. The Brigadier and the lady stop fighting long enough to see that they've been had.

Expertly, Amy operates the game boy, guiding the TARDIS while biting her bottom lip in concentration.

Silently, the blue box flies directly over top of the dummy. A split second happens before Amy laughs and thumbs the "down" part of the D-pad. The TARDIS drops downward and crushes the dummy like a giant foot. The TARDIS rises briefly before slamming back down on the dummy.

The verdict is an easy one for Armand to make. "He's fucking dead." It's true; the dummy is squashed like a bug. There's precious little to say what the dummy looked like before it was masticated.

Announcer: Up now is the Irken Organ Harvester; the perfect anti-zombie weapon for the ages.

Chained up in the testing area is a groaning zombie. Dib holds up a bulbous purple weapon that looks like part retro fifties ray gun and part leaf blower. "This is the organ harvester. It has an auto target function with a sophisticated program to differentiate between friend and foe. It was designed by the Irken Empire when they were attacked by the Zombie Socialist Republik of the Grozny Grad system."

Max knows his Irken history. "Yeah, that's right. The Zombies wore impervious helmets to protect their delicate brains in battle. The Organ Harvester renders those adamantine helmets useless."

As the Brigadier watches, he realizes that GIR is standing right next to him. The aged general jumps and puts some distance between himself and the robot. "Stay back, you alien menace!"

"I want a piñata," says GIR; then he walks off.

Announcer: For safety's sake, we have a special anti-zombie expert in case things get out of hand. Meet Earl Ianto Harvard Jr.

Earl is a pissed off Appalachian hunter with a gun, a bow, a knife and a collection of skulls as trophies. Earl's unshaven face is covered with more scars than the Gaza strip after a bombing campaign. His huge elephant hunting rifle is aimed squarely at the zombie.

Dib gets within thirty feet of the zombie and starts to twist knobs on the side of the weapon. The Irken are a species who love their knobs.

Dib Membrane quickly runs through a list of organs from the weapon's "most popular" playlist. Spleen: no. Ovaries: no. Gonads: a big no. Parmesano Ortegasmo: what the hell is that?

At last, Dib has gotten the right organ selected. "YES!" he crows. "Time for some zombie annihilation." He's been playing too many of his sister's zombie killing video games.

In time honoured fashion, Geoff gives the countdown. "Dib, you kill that thing in 3... 2... 1... FOR RACCOON CITY!"

The result is almost anti-climactic. There is a boosh noise from the gun, like a silenced handgun as well as a distortion of air around the barrel.

The effects are undeniable. The zombie which was a moment ago was groaning for the chance to take a juicy chunk out of the young boy, now suddenly stops. Its eyes roll back in its head and it keels over like a wino after too much cheap hooch. Off to the side, Earl doesn't move his weapon; too many friends of his have fallen to zombies that only looked dead.

In order to properly examine it, Armand begins slicing open the skull with a saw while Earl holds it down. After a few minutes of cutting, examination reveals only an empty skull.

Dib sees this and chuckles to himself. "Score one victory for Team Zim—if anyone asks I didn't say that."

Grabbing a bolt on the side of the weapon, Dib pulls on it and a perfect, rotten zombie brain pops out like an empty bullet shell.

Armand looks at the brain on the ground. "You mean I sawed open this stinking Zombie head for nothing?

Off in the back, the Brigadier turns around to see that GIR is back. GIR holds a baseball bat in his hands and has a colourful piñata hanging from a string. "I got my piñata!" GIR trumpets gleefully in his high pitched voice.

The malfunctioning robot swings his bat at the piñata but misses by a wide margin; instead he ends up hitting the Brigadier in the balls.

Lethbridge-Stewart goes down hard and fast.

GIR then drops his baseball bat and rips into the piñata with his hands. The robot starts eating the candy with gluttonous glee.

Geoff turns to the Appalachian hunter and hands him a cheque. "Here's a thousand bucks, Earl; we want GIR alive."

Earl touches the brim of his hat and goes to earn his thousand bucks.

The three hosts are shown talking and discussing. "Max, what do you think?" says Geoff.

"I'm definitely going with the Irken weapon on this matter. The TARDIS is deadly but it's slow, you can outrun it. There's no escape with the Organ Harvester."

Armand concurs with his nerdy pal. "Ditto that; the removal of the brain is lethal, even for the Doctor. There is a chance however small that Zim might survive being stomped on."

Edge: Zim

Announcer: and now for our final round of testing: the special weapons! This features whatever irregular weapons that are unique to our distinct warriors.

Standing in front of the team of experts is GIR, Zim's faithful robot servant. This time, GIR's cyan eyes and chest plate have turned blood red and his voice is deeper and less silly. "GIR, reporting for duty," he buzzes. "My mission is to obey Geoff, Max and Armand."

River Song is familiar with the design of robot that GIR belongs to. "So I see that Zim has got himself a SIR unit."

"My name is GIR," the robot chirps good naturedly. Almost immediately, his eyes and plate return to cyan and his voice becomes higher pitched.

Dr. Song seems confused. "GIR? Aren't you a Standard Information Retrieval unit?"

GIR doesn't even seem to hear Dr. Song's question. "My name is GIR." A stupid smile is plastered all over GIR's face.

Amy Pond hovers over GIR. "So, what does the 'G' stand for?"

."I don't know." The robot confesses. Everyone just gives GIR a "wtf" look. Everyone except Brigadier Lethbridge-Steward. He looks like he wants to kill GIR. The stately British officer holds an ice pack over his aching nuts.

Without warning, GIR starts to bang his head repeatedly while laughing maniacally.

Announcer: To simulate a live target, GIR will be required to climb through a deadly obstacle course and take out a pig carcass.

The obstacle course is indeed lethal. Blocking GIR from the pig carcass is a minefield, an electric fence and a twenty foot pit covered by a tarp.

Dib is the one this time who has the stop watch. "GIR," he shouts, "RIP HIS ASS OFF!"

GIR's eyes turn red and he salutes.

In a reversal of his usual personality, GIR navigates the minefield with ease; hopping over the mines like a metal cricket.

Then, GIR dives right through the electric fence like a break-dancer on adrenaline.

At last, GIR leaps right over the covered pit and makes straight for the pig.

Immediately, GIR drives one razor sharp fist deep into the pig carcass. There is a squelching noise as GIR pulls out his fist and makes ready for another blow.

Suddenly GIR sees a fly and then it's back to normal. "BUGGY!" he shrieks blissfully.

GIR then decides to chase after that darn old fly. The fly buzzes erratically, unaware of the robot gone wrong.

GIR jumps at the fly, hitting the electric fence. The robot sizzles on the wires before falling into the minefield.

Geoff and the guys start cursing as the airheaded robot sends them scrambling for cover.

GIR's clumsiness detonates several landmines in an epic orchestra of BOOM-BOOM-BOOM!

Finally, electrocuted and bombed up, GIR stumbles and falls into the covered pit. GIR hits the bottom of the pit with a clang. He finishes with a typical non sequitur. "Ah, I wanted to touch the buzzy-buzz."

Announcer: Net up is the hand mirror, a tool of vanity turned to lethal intent!

Amy Pond holds up a very expensive looking antique mirror which is carved from ivory and is backed with real silver.

Geoff whistles as he looks up and down the hand mirror. "That thing looks expensive."

Max looks excitedly at the mirror. "Is it a high tech gizmo death ray?"

Amy shakes her head. "No, it's just a mirror. You hit people on the head with it." Max looks very disappointed.

Invader Skoodge seems surprised and he points at the improvised weapon. "Can that actually kill someone or is it just useless?"

Amy chuckles at Skoodge's suspicion. "Just wait and see. Mr. Alien."

Meanwhile, GIR has made the mistake of approaching the Brigadier. The Brigadier huffs and looks down on the innocent looking robot. "Well, what do you bloody want?" The threatening tone of his voice does nothing to intimidate GIR.

Then GIR asks what is probably the worst question ever. "Are you gay for the Doctor?"

For a second, the Brigadier stands immobile with incandescent rage. Then with lightning reflexes he pulls out his gun and shoots GIR in the eye at point blank range.

The large calibre bullet hits GIR in his left eye and sends him flying backwards into a stack of ammunition. "No," answers the Brigadier.

Unsteadily, GIR gets up as sparks fly from his damaged eye. He puts one hand over his injury and stumbles in the direction of Amy.

In a voice that's more confused than usual, GIR says. "I need directions." And then he grabs Amy's crotch.

Amy immediately gasps and shoves the robot off of her. Passing off the hand mirror to Max, he turns to River song, who hands her a large mace off of a weapons table.

Using the mace like a cricket bat, Amy swings it in a wide arc and takes GIR's head completely off. The disembodied robot head flies across the fight club and lands in a garbage pail. GIR's body stands still for about four or five seconds and then it falls over like a tree in the forest; no bending of the limbs whatsoever.

Before anybody can say something awkward, Armand does the right thing. "Let's test this weapon."

Flash to Amy standing before a ballistics gel dummy with the mirror high over her head, perfectly ready for an overhand swing.

Max readies the stop watch as Geoff finishes attaching the motion sensors to Amy's arm and the ivory handle of the mirror. "Amy, get ready to kill in 3... 2... 1... GO!"

Amy raises the mirror higher and screams out in a high pitched, hostile shriek that would leave any warm blooded male running under the bed for cover with his testes firmly tucked inside his body.

The red haired English lass spared no effort, she brings down that heavy mirror as hard as she can; it's like the ballistic dummy killed her family and she's looking for revenge.

The dummy's head bursts through the back of the mirror, heavily lacerated by the glass. To finish him off, Amy starts turning the handle left and right so that the remaining glass shards can slice into the arteries and windpipe.

When the test is said and done, the experts go over the evidence. "What'll it be guys, GIR or mirror?"

The former ER doctor goes first. "I have to say the Hand mirror. It may be slightly less lethal than GIR but it's more relievable; you hit them and they're dead."

"I disagree," injects Max, "GIR is deadlier. Despite his erratic nature, he did inflict a single, lethal strike on that pig carcass—before totally fucking up. And the mirror is just a one hit weapon, and then it's done."

Under Max's arm is GIR's head, held there like a soccer ball. The guys will put him back together, just not right away.

"But the mirror did also inflict a kill," says Armand. "The skull was fractured by the impact, similar to smashing someone over the head with a beer bottle. Also, while not lethal, the initial lacerations are quite painful. And when Amy twisted the handle, there was some severe cutting to the carotid and jugular arteries."

Geoff brings up another factor. "Something else to consider is that GIR is a ranged weapon. Even if he just distracts the Doctor, he might give Zim the opening he needs to get a lethal hit in." His companions see the logic in this. "Besides, if nothing else, GIR will probably take the mirror because it's shiny."

The solution is obvious

Edge: Zim

Announcer: With the gruelling testing complete, it's time to bring these interstellar menaces to brawl. It's an all out fracas with no rules, no safety and no mercy. Let the battle begin! To our audience, those who are about to die salute you!

At his computer console, Max compiles the final data. With the hit of a button, it's time for the games to begin.

Simulation:

All is turbulent inside the Sity. Everything is destitution and urban decay. People are rude to each other and stuff is spelt improperly in an easy to make the narrative look cool.

Standing amidst the usual chaos of the city's filthy, organic nature is the home of invader Zim. Zim's home is disturbingly average and alarmingly artificial.

Laser equipped garden gnomes stand guard and a psychotic human cackles and operates homemade booze still inside Zim's garage. Zim just hasn't gotten around to throwing that guy out yet.

The inside of Zim's home is equally artificial; a misguided attempt at shooting for the norm. Surprisingly enough, there is no sign of Zim or his faithful servant GIR.

Suddenly there is a noise in Zim's kitchen. It's a strange whirring noise accompanied by the slow materialization of a blue police box.

Like the city or Zim's home, the blue box has its own feel. The feel is British. It's as if the heart of all that Britain is was distilled into this one blue box. It's the antithesis, rebuttal and the slap in the face to all those shitty American sci-fi films directed by the likes of Roland Emmerich and Michael bay.

It represents warmth and a heart which is unique to the British Isles.

The blue box stops silent, it is now fully materialized into our timeline. With an equally trademark squeak of simple metal hinges, the lone occupant of the box exits and reveals himself.

It is a man in a brown suit with a dark red bowtie and messy mop of brown hair. This man is the Doctor and he is truly geek.

Currently, he looks around with great excitement. At last, the TARDIS has delivered him to the exact moment in space and time he punched into the dials. For a while now it's been just dropping him months or years off of when he wanted to be.

A quick cursory glance around reveals to the Doctor that he's in the home of an alien. This fills him with joy as he always enjoys seeing a fellow space man or woman. Or other.

However, the Doctor knows that he'll have to leave for a spell. Whoever this alien is, they may not like a strange visitor materializing in their home without permission. That should be remedied by the Doctor going back into the TARDIS and moving forward five minutes in time.

Unfortunately for the Doctor, Murphy and his damn law kicks in.

The Doctor freezes as he hears the telltale noise of an Irken laser gun switch into firing mode.

Slowly, the Doctor turns around to see who or what he is facing. At less than half his height, an Irken invader and a strange looking SIR unit stand ready to kill the Doctor.

The infamous Zim trains his laser gun on the bizarre stink-human that has infiltrated his kitchen; flashing a white zipper toothed smile that would unsettle most humans.

"You think you're so clever with your blue boxy thing, worm baby," Zim taunts in that menacing falsetto voice, "well, you have to get up extra early to get the drop on ZIM!" The green creature with angular antennae shouts his name aloud.

Like a Bond villain, Zim announce his plans to the Doctor, whose muscles are now coiled like those of a cobra ready to strike.

GIR chooses this moment to say something random. "Ah killed fitty Na'vi but they took my robot!"

Zim's finger tightens on the activation button of his weapon, but the Doctor reacts first. Seemingly instantaneously, the Doctor has a finger on the button of his sonic screwdriver. Having no time for manipulation, the Doctor goes for brute force.

The screwdriver fully extends in the Doctor's pocket and emits a high pitched screeching noise that hits Zim like a ton of bricks.

The Irken invader screams and drops to his knees. His massive red eyes widen with pain and he drops the laser gun. Screaming barely softer than the sonic screwdriver, Zim grabs at his delicate antennae and pulls on them in a vain attempt to halt the sound.

GIR watches the proceedings with detached mental retardation.

Turning on his heel, the Doctor tries to run for his time machine; better to play coward than to stick around and see who's the better killer.

No such luck for the Doctor; something grabs his pant leg and causes him to trip. Unexpectedly, GIR is grabbing the Doctor's pant leg. "Don't go, raggedy man," the malfunctioning robot says, "I want to play Manhunt with you."

Seeing that Zim is recovering from the sonic attack, The Doctor knows that to avoid confrontation he will need to get out of here fast. Kicking GIR in the face, the spindly alien gets up and grabs the handle of the TARDIS door.

Before he can get in, a laser beam hits the door next to the Doctor's hand. The Doctor pulls back and yelps in pain.

Zim is back on his feet and he doesn't need a sense of hearing to laser off the Doctor's head.

Taking aim with his screwdriver, the Doctor tries to mess up Zim's laser but the Irken invader hops to the side and only catches the sonic blast partially.

Still, the sonic screwdriver is able to successfully sabotage Zim's PAK. Robotic arms flail wildly as random tools shoot off in tandem.

Thrown for a loop by his malfunctioning PAK, Zim shouts for aid from his robot servant. "GIR, aid meeeee!" Zim then screams in pain as an automatic lemon zester starts to peel the hard green exoskeleton on his face. GIR seems not to notice

Fuelled by rage and pain, Zim rips off the lemon zester and manages to activate the PAK's shutdown sequence. He takes aim at the Doctor with his laser when all of the sudden—

"HOLD IT!" the Doctor shouts loud enough for Zim to actually pause.

In the Doctor's hands is held the deadly Jammie Dodger bomb. "Now while I am not a violent man, I do have a history of mental illness and I am holding a very powerful explosive; so one thing you do not want to do is interrupt me!"

Zim laughs with his trademark melodrama; it's enough to make a person sick. "Ignorant pustule, you should TREMBLE before my greatness!"

The Doctor is less than impressed with Zim, he's fought tougher invaders and meaner than Zim. "Oh please," he scoffs, "I'm the one holding an explosive powerful enough to kill both of us so if you would please stop pointing guns in my direction; I really hate that."

Zim has no fear of the strange human or his bomb, if it is a bomb. Zim is ignorant enough of human culture to be unable to tell the difference between a sophisticated killing machine and a sugary treat.

The Irken chuckles. "While you threaten me with your puny "bomb," any minute now my faithful underling will strike you where you stand!" Zim finishes this with a long cackling laugh.

The Doctor gazes around; no loyal lackey in sight, just GIR staring blankly into space.

This inaction angers Zim. "I said, my faithful underling will finish you off! GIR, move or I will MIGHTILY kick you in the ass!"

GIR doesn't even respond, he's just looking at the Doctor's bowtie.

While still keeping his attention focused on Zim, the Doctor sets his screwdriver to scan; what he sees horrifies him. "My stars," the Doctor accosts Zim, "did you know that your SIR unit has got a various odds and ends in place of important AI computing equipment?" The sonic screwdriver whirrs as the Doctor tries to repair GIR.

Zim is highly offended by the Doctor's words. "Incestuous mud leech!" Zim curses. "I am ZIM! And no one uses technology like ZIM!"

The Doctor nearly drops his screwdriver; he has just finished repairing GIR. "What!"

No, it' can't be Zim; not that Zim.

GIR's eyes glow with a renewed light. "Hey," says the robot, "I'm smart now. I'M GOING TO HOLLYWOOD!"

GIR starts to run away but stops when Zim shouts his name. "GIR, get back here; we must kill the intruder!"

To Zim's surprise, his servant tells him off. "Screw you, Zim; you piece of shit. I'm done with you." And then GIR was gone in a fit of laughter.

Zim's solid red eyes are full of hurt and he grips the handle of his gun hard enough that his fingers are at risk of breaking off.

Zim's whole life has been comprised of failure. He's failed at nearly everything he's done, no matter how simple. GIR's loyalty was one constant in his life that he took for granted. Now, the gaping wound left by GIR's absence is leading Zim's mind down a dark road. He suddenly sees that his mission is a sham and the empire he adores so much has thrown him to the curb like a piece of garbage.

Zim looks at the Doctor again; he is seeing red. Zim's whole world is coated in a layer of blood so thick it would make Johnny the Homicidal Maniac break down and start crying.

Zim shrieks like a wounded animal and aims his weapon at the Doctor's head, but this time the Doctor is ready.

The sonic screwdriver unfolds and gives off its mechanical purr. Simultaneously, Zim's weapon shoots out sparks.

Seeing that his gun is inert, Zim casts it aside and throws himself at the Doctor. In mid air, the locomotive arms of the PAK shoot out with their razor sharp tips.

The Doctor ducks and feels the rush of wind where a thin mechanical arm would have gone right through his eye.

Not losing hold of the cookie bomb, the Doctor rolls out of the way as the PAK's arms strike the floor with lethal force.

Executing an acrobatic manoeuvre, the Doctor flies up onto the kitchen table while avoiding having his legs cut off at the knees.

Zim is making bizarre noises that sound like a blender full of screws. Using the PAK he flips over the table with the Doctor on top of it.

In the ensuing chaos, the Doctor loses hold of his cookie bomb. The strategy has changed; like it already hasn't.

Zim rears up on two mechanical legs and prepares to bring down through the Doctor like a praying mantis.

Very suddenly, the table flips up and hits Zim in the face; causing the pint sized alien to fly backwards.

Despite his skinny build, the Doctor has some substantial upper body strength.

The Doctor sees that Zim is now a rabid animal. If he succeeds in killing the Doctor then he may kill himself and take planet earth with it. Like a veterinarian, the Doctor is called to put Zim out of his misery.

Long legs propelling him forward, the Doctor grabs the first thing he can reach in his jacket.

That object in question turns out to be a very heavy antique hand mirror made of ivory.

Zim shakes his head and rears up once more on spindly artificial legs. Against the Doctor's instincts and expectation, Zim makes a strategic retreat. Metal legs skitter across the floor and the Doctor misses the wide swing with his hand mirror.

Zim charges down the hall like a monster spider out of a children's nightmare. Hot in pursuit is the Doctor. Together they look like horror movie figures: the benevolent Doctor and the grotesque monster. I wonder what the Doctor's loved ones would say if they figured out that the Time Lord had killed more people than the mad Irken.

Zim makes a sharp right and throws himself down a ventilation shaft, without hesitation, the Doctor pursues his prey.

Down the ventilation shaft the Doctor goes. Everything is pitch black and the wind rushes through his hair. The Doctor cannot calculate how deep they are going into the bowels of the Earth he is going.

The Time Lord puts both heels to the wall in order to give himself a bit of control in his descent.

Activating the sonic screwdriver, the Doctor detects that Zim is not far ahead in the blackness

Zim turns his head around and sees that his mark is still following. The Doctor will regret it, Zim swears it. With his skittering cybernetic limbs, Zim slashes off fixtures in the wall.

Falling down the shaft, the Doctor avoids these flying objects by the skin off his knuckles.

Though it felt like an age, the Doctor can see the bottom of the ventilation shaft. His landing is a bit painful, as the time traveller falls through a purple grate and hits his ass hard on a purple floor.

The upstairs might be superficially human but down here in the heart of the house, everything is done according to Irken engineering and architecture. Hard angles, sharp geometry and purple are the order of the day down here.

The Doctor lands and sees that his mirror is broken, but that's hardly important as his sonic screwdriver is still in his hand. A press of the button confirms to him that the all important tool still works.

Up on the ceiling, Zim clings like a gigantic mosquito or spider. The foolish man doesn't even suspect that Zim is over him.

But the Doctor does.

Without even looking, the Doctor holds up his sonic screwdriver and fires it right at Zim. Rather than go berserk, the PAK simply shuts off.

Yelping and sounding a bit more like his usual self; Zim hits the floor in a most undignified way.

Zim thrashes to untangle himself from the limp PAK limbs but the Doctor's voice stops him dead.

The Doctor is focused, every bit of his attention is fixed on Zim; and for some reason he's holding what looks like a gameboy in his other hand. "You are Zim." It's more of a statement than a question.

Zim grits his teeth and speaks in a voice a few octaves deeper than normal. "I am Zim and I will end you."

The Doctor is troubles; in Irken psychology excessively referring to oneself in first person is usually a sign of instability.

The Doctor points at Zim, his voice is glacial. "Zim, I am the Doctor."

Even in his psychotic state, Zim's eyes widen at the name which is as famous in the Irken Empire as Adolf Hitler.

The Time Lord tries to reason with Zim. "Zim, I know you want to kill me and there's probably nothing I can say that will stop you. I only ask that this fight is between us, no need to involve any innocents."

For a second, Zim's face is blank. Suddenly, it twists into a most horrible grin. The corners of his mouth pull up in a way which seems impossible for Zim's physiology and the Irken's thin red tongue snakes out.

Zim speaks in a voice as dangerous as bare feet on broken glass. "Doctor, I am an Invader. If my mission is a lie, then I don't care. I will still destroy this planet! Destruction marches through my veins!"

Zim stands up, PAK legs dangling limply behind him. "Doctor, I love what I do. I did kill half the population of my home planet by accident. I am not proud of it, but neither do I regret it." Zim's face changes into a sardonic sneer. His manner is evocative of a German Expressionist actor; reality is irrelevant and all that matters are the emotions.

"I will kill you, Doctor. Your bloody head will look good on my wall," Zim casually comments. His vision is still red and full of blood; the most terrifying snuff film in history just waiting to happen.

The Doctor speaks next in this powder keg atmosphere. "This is your last chance to surrender, sunshine." He stands a bit straighter and thumbs a button on his game boy. "I am the Doctor; I'm someone nobody wants to fuck with." The Doctor's eyes narrow, "Do you understand that?"

The Doctor then stands proud, towering over the homicidal Zim. He has nothing against Zim. If anything, he'd rather help him than kill him. But since Zim plans to annihilate large numbers of innocents, he's more than ready to waste the fucker without prejudice.

The Doctor presses another button on his game boy and then announces to his foe. "I am Doctor Who; I am the oncoming storm. I am the superior life form."

Zim just sniggers a bit; it sounds like someone rubbing metal on rusty steel. It's far more frightening than his usual laugh.

When from behind his back, he produces the organ harvester.

Zim's enemy however is more than prepared for this. Like his life depends on it, the Doctor mashes the buttons on the game boy.

Zim fires his gun but a sudden vibration shakes the whole house and instead of the Doctor's brain, he takes the Doctor's hand.

The Doctor looks at the hand which held the sonic screwdriver. This is just like during the Tenth Doctor and the Sycorax.

Zim is showered with debris as the TARDIS explodes through the ceiling, burrowing through all the layers of security like they are nothing.

Seeing that the TARDIS will crush him, Zim tries to run but trips on the inert PAK legs.

The TARDIS crashes down on Zim like a boot crushing a cockroach. Irken blood and guts go flying all over the camera.

Zim's reign of terror is at an ignominious end.

All is not over yet, exhausted not physically but morally; the Doctor goes to get something of his.

In Zim's dead hand is the Organ Harvester. His fingers wrap tight around it even in death.

Easy as pie, the Doctor pulls back on the bolt of the weapon and out pops his hand, complete with sonic screwdriver.

He leaves with his hand and the screwdriver, determined to forget this whole mess.

THE DOCTOR WINS!

Kill Count:

The Doctor: 569 kills total

Sonic Screwdriver-0 kills

Jammie Dodger Bomb-285 kills

TARDIS-150 kills

Hand Mirror-134 kills

Zim: 431 kills

Laser Gun-45

PAK-89 kills

Organ Harvester-160 kills

GIR-137 kills

Geoff appears on camera. "This was an interesting match because even though the Doctor's sonic screwdriver wasn't lethal, it was highly effective in that it made Zim's weapons inert; that way he didn't lose any kills to Zim."

Max now stands to give testimony. "I probably pissed off a lot of Zim fans, but my programming is second to none. The Doctor has the superior weapons and the means to use it. With Zim, you're actually safer if he's trying to kill you."

Armand then gives the medical perspective. "The Doctor's anatomy is very resilient; more so than Zim. That's very impressive because those Irken are a species more resilient than cockroaches.

Announcer: And now instead of listening to the experts, we've brought in fans of the show to comment on today's episode

In the back, all the experts are engaged in an all out brawl. The Brigadier and River Song are slugging it out like two amateur wrestlers; River has got one hell of a right hook. Skoodge and Dib are both ganging up on Amy, who is holding them back rather well. She manages to poke Skoodge in the eye and kick Dib in the sausage.

The camera cuts to the bridge of a Star Destroyer, where Darth Vader stands. "I enjoy this television program greatly," the Sith Lord confesses. "I watch it because Family Guy has become a disgrace. If Seth McFarlane does not return Stewie to the status of an evil genius instead of a walking gay stereotype, he will feel my fury, my boot between his gums and the edge of my light sabre," the armoured nightmare threatens.

The scene cuts again, this time to Broadmoor Asylum for the Criminally Insane. Before the camera is Britain's most violent prisoner, Charlie Bronson. The five foot ten, two hundred and ten pound convict is surrounded by unconscious bodies and the camera crew cower in fear as they film Charlie; the swastika painted in blood on his face doesn't make him look any friendlier. "I fucking loved this episode!" gushes Charlie, his eight inch moustache bobbing. "It was fucking great! That fucking cunt Zim got shit on by the Doctor!"

Suddenly, a swarm of prison guards come in and haul Charlie back to Solitary. Charlie doesn't go without a fight though.

Former US president George Bush appears cowering behind a sturdy desk with a revolver in his hand. The Texan is visibly shaken. "Howdy, I enjoy Deadliest Warrior."

Bush looks around nervously. "Uh guys, I'd love to do an interview but Dick Cheney is on PCP and I don't want to risk it."

Suddenly, the sound of Dick Cheney kicking down the door is heard. Bush springs up and starts firing his revolver.

The feed cuts off after that.

One person is not nearly so happy with this week's episode. The episode ending plays on a TV monitor. Suddenly, a roast chicken splatters against the monitor, leaving behind a greasy stain.

In his base, Invader Zim is furious about being put on human TV show. Grabbing the rest of his Swiss Chalet takeout meal, Zim flings French fries everywhere and tosses a 1/3rd rack of ribs at the video monitor.

Zim starts to freak out—some more. "ZIM has been put on a filthy, disgusting, putrid, ffffffucking awful earthman show!"

Stomping on the French fries, Zim promises revenge. "ZIM did not want to be on that shitty TV show. ZIIIIIIIIMMM will have his revenge!"

And that's a wrap folks :D I hope that you enjoyed this episode and that you stay tuned for my other stories. Next up I will be updating my masterpiece, The Big Hellsing; so stay on the watch for that

To make things clear, Charlie Bronson is a real person. They made a movie about him just recently. He's a psycho convict who spent 34 years in jail and 30 years in solitary confinement. I suggest you watch the movie Bronson; it's the new Clockwork Orange.

For the next chapter of this story, I will try to do one of my requests from the fans. I'm not sure which one though, but it will be up to my usual quality.

School is still tough on me but I try my best :D I do it all for my fans. Don't forget to drop me any requests, but actually review as well. Don't just review me and then drop a dozen requests with no feedback.

Ta

Master of the Boot