Tournament of Mortals: Dr. Who vs Incredible Hulk

Author's note : Here is the undisrupted, uncut version of my fight from facebook. I hope you enjoy. 

She's ordering you to read her fanfics, the one about ponies

Princess Azula of the Fire Nation reviewed the data on the next fight; the Doctor vs. the Hulk. Azula scoffed at this match. A big dumb brute versus a vulgar commoner. As far as she was concerned, the Doctor was nothing more than a do-gooder with an ego the size of the Earth Kingdom.

The Doctor’s own impulsiveness and ego would be his Achilles heel. She’d read about his defeat and victory at demons’ run. He was no more an oncoming storm, no more a god than a damn cockroach. Then her musing was interrupted by Tai-Lee

She can kill you twenty different ways, but there are rocks in the earth kingdom that are smarter than her

“Oh, I love the bow tie that little man wears. It’s so cute,” gushed the pink clad acrobat and martial artist. “But should he be called the Doctor?”

Azula rolled her eyes. Tai-Lee was one of the only friends Azula had in the world; she was loyal, useful and the intellectual equal of the Avatar’s pet sky bison.

“I mean, he could be called the Physician, the M.D, The Healer or the Dentist even.”

In the corner of the room, Azula’s other friend Mai lounged. The emo fire nation girl was much the same as ever. “Uh,” she sighed, “This is so boring. All we do is practice. We don’t even get to kill or maim anyone.”

Behold the rare East-Asian emo

Azula turned to Mai and frowned, “You know, I’m not your mother. If you’re bored, read a book, do some painting, get something to eat, or slit your wrists; I don’t really care.”

Mai sneered back at Azula and gave her the Fire Nation equivalent to the middle finger salute.

Azula sneered back and turned to Tai-Lee, “Well enough of the Doctor and the green brute. We have to prepare for my upcoming match with either Rogue or Raven.” To emphasize the point, Azula activated the lightsabre she’d taken from Galen Marek.

Tai-Lee started to hop up and down with excitement. She probably had an idea; Azula cringed when she remembered the last time her bubbly friend had an idea. “What is it, Tai-Lee?’ asked an exasperated Azula.

“Oh! Oh! Oh! When you win the Tournament, do you think that you can make me a giant? Or better yet! Can you make me a giant with flowers?”

Azula considered this unusual request. “Sure . . . why not.”

Friends: were they always like this?

The inside of the TARDIS was a fantastic thing. The total interior was not infinite, but it was growing daily and it was larger in square footage than the Palace of the fire nation. The TARDIS had a library, a swimming pool and even a buffet that was big enough to choke ten of Goku.

The whole thing was also the Doctor’s workshop, his home and his oldest companion. Everything was down to the last detail, his TARDIS, beautiful thing that she was. He could see that every tool, every blanket and every single molecule was in place. He even went so far as to start licking the walls and floor but came up clean.

Yet it wasn’t his TARDIS. He couldn’t move anywhere. The time machine was stuck; the only time it did that was when he was in a time loop.

There was also an Amy and a River Song here, but they weren’t real either; merely clever forgeries. They were asleep now, and the doctor was doing all his prep work now; since he needed much less sleep than a human.

The facsimile of everything was so real that he forgot and started to prepare for battle. He turned out all his drawers inside out for any kind of weapon that he could use.

The Doctor tossed a claymore sword onto a work bench and more tenderly laid a Webley Revolver onto the same bench.

Running to the Central Panel, the Doctor reached and grabbed the Master’s Laser screwdriver.

Bullets would be useless against the Hulk, but the gun would be very useful, as would the sword.

Yet, the Doctor stopped, because it wasn’t his TARDIS. His exuberant face lost the enthusiasm of a child and took on the worry, age and wisdom of a living god. Last of his race and a genius among geniuses.

He turned around slowly and said, “It’s all a lie.” His voice became very low. “None of this exists, does it?”

The Portal Master smiled at the Doctor’s deduction. “I am impressed,” came his cheerful, enthused voice. “Neither the Farseer nor the world’s greatest detective have pieced it together yet.”

Sadistic bastard, the Portal Master

The red figure of the portal master smiled and crossed his arms, his white wolf silent at his feet. “The fighters are real, Doctor . . . who?” he smirked before his tone and manner became subtly threatening. “Nothing else is real. But you of all people should know that even an illusion can kill.”

The Doctor listened, his face grave. “I will beat you.” He said. “I see that you are intelligent and powerful; especially after what you did to that man, Darkseid. But know that I will beat you; because of all the people here in this twisted tournament, you are the only enemy to me.”

The Portal Master giggled, and waved his hands enthusiastically. “Was that a threat? Good, it’s always more fun to be threatened by someone intelligent.”

The Doctor smiled back, a knowing smile. “Well you should be going; I must prepare for my eventual fight with Batman.”

The Portal Master’s eyes widened for a moment; for the first time since any of the fighters had arrived he was shocked. Then his shock morphed into amusement. “Very good Doctor; you managed to predict the outcome of the next fight.”

The Doctor shrugged, “Ah, I’m happy to have put a smile on your face.” He then interjected very casually, “I think I’m learning more and more about the tournament as time goes on.

“I hope it benefits you, Doctor,” said the Portal Master; and he was gone, and the Doctor would soon have to fight the Hulk.

So not only was this not real, but there was something deeper going on. Any idiot could tell this was only an illusion but only the Doctor had figured out the real truth behind this. And a very small part of that truth was that he’d have to go and fight, at least for now.

“Alrighty then!” he said with a clap as he jumped towards the central column of the TARDIS. “Who have we got here?”

Grabbing a photograph of the Lich King, the doctor tossed the picture into the air and threw a dart at it. The picture of Arthas flew through the air and was stuck to a dartboard hung on the wall; the dart itself stuck through Arthas’s eye.

“The King of the Liches; makes the Daleks look like Father Christmas.”

Tossing another picture and another dart at a board on the opposite of the room. “Sarah Kerrigan, really shitty childhood; trained as an assassin and psionically gifted. A worthwhile challenge or a new companion?”

The oncoming storm threw a dart and picture, this time at a random watermelon that was sitting on a chair. “Eldrad the Farseer . . . pff-bwa-ahahah!” the Doctor couldn’t keep a straight face and burst out laughing. The guy was a seer, he pointed and laughed at seers; they were even more pathetic than archeologists.

Then like some kind of British ninja, he threw a total of thirty one darts and pictures all around the room. “So many enemies, and more importantly, so many potential allies.”

The Doctor rubbed his hands together; a plan was forming. He then pointed a finger at a smiling picture of Aang. “The Avatar! (lovely title) he’s a worthy one, with everyone’s best interests at heart!”

The ADD doctor then leapt to the central console and grabbed his revolver, “Time to get to work.” Hitting a few random buttons, a screen popped up on the TARDIS console---only to reveal himself?

Staring back at the Doctor, was none other than the ninth incarnation of the Doctor.

The large eared nine stared at the big chinned eleven. Both of them were at a loss of what to say or do or what was going on.

Meanwhile

The Hulk sat in silence, unlike the bubbly, cheerful Doctor the not-so-jolly-green-giant was brooding like only a teenage heartthrob can brood. The dwelling provided to him by the Portal Master resembled the place he called home, back on planet Hulk; the only place in the universe he’d ever called home. Now the Imperial palace held nothing but awful memories.

His mighty hand tightened around the giant ax he held; this was the place where he spent his last hours with . . .

The big green world ender grimaced. Promptly he began to get up and go find a change of scenery

Unlike Azula, he had no appreciation whatsoever for the Portal Master’s close replicas; he had learned long ago to put little stock into outward appearances and bold claims.

Where do you think you’re going?

“Out,” growled the Hulk, “We can get ready someplace else.”

Look you don’t have to explain yourself but all my gear is inside this hut—

“So I’ll pick it up and you can help me work outside,” gritted the green anti-hero, losing patience rapidly.

But you can’t move some of this equipment. It’s anchored to the spot by magic, and do you really want people just watching us prepare for battle? Does that seem wise to you?

“Don’t get cute with me, puny human,” the Hulk grunted, angered at Banner’s words but seeing his wisdom. “Be a good little nerd and go fold some paperclips”

I thought the Green Skar was smarter than this. Do I have to repeat what I said about everyone seeing us work?

The Hulk growled, unable to come up with a counter argument and unable to punch out Banner’s lights. Things had only become more difficult since the shitstorm on Sakaar.

The Hulk shuddered as more unbidden memories came back to him. Was the portal Master trying to make him lose?

She was his world, for her he'd destroy the world

Hey, came banner’s voice, I loved her too, and like it or not we have a chance to undo everything bad.

“I wish I could believe it,” grumbled the Hulk; he had zero faith in that damn red bastard with his accursed wolf. AT the very least he came across as amoral and uncaring. “But at least I’ll get a chance to kill that bastard sorcerer.”

Banner said nothing, nothing needed to be said.

After a few moments, Banner piped up. Let’s go to the lab.

Hulk nodded. He wanted to kick himself for getting so psyched out. It seemed like no time before he’d walked into Bruce Banner’s lab, the one where the Hulk originally was birthed. This place was a horror show for Banner and Hulk could feel his revulsion; it unnerved him as much as the other part did the Hulk, but the Green Skar found this place comforting; homely even.

And really, it was just so hard to handle. The pain of the loss of his wife, Caiera the Oldstrong, had driven him to enough rage to destroy a planet with his bare hands. Some days it was so bad that he almost wished that they’d never met. That was why he had to fight, why he had to beat the Doctor, The Bat-man, Dr. Strange, that caped weirdo and every other miserable puke that was stupid enough not to surrender before him.

For all his logic, Banner held the exact same, irrational, illogical view.

At last, he took a deep breath and spoke to banner as not an adversary but a partner. “Let’s do this.”

The Portal Master stood with his two next fighters. They could not have been more alike; one was a green titan, a destroyer of worlds and the other was a mere English fop and a destroyer of whole species.

The Doctor looked the Hulk straight in the eye, despite his foe’s nine foot height and immense bulk.

Staring at the doctor with vermillion intensity, the Hulk warned his adversary. “You should surrender now. If you’re as smart as they say you are then you know that you can’t do anything to harm me.”

The Doctor gave a haughty laugh, “oh bring it on, you great ponce. I’ll rip out your spine and stomp on your skull.

The Hulk’s eyes widened. He was used to death threats and such nonsense, but usually from people who could bend steel with their eyelids. Intellectual nerdy types like this Doctor didn’t normally go for this. Then again, the Doctor was not normal.

Cocking his head, the Hulk was more confused than he was angry. The Doctor had superhuman strength but he’d be unable to even give the Hulk a nosebleed.

“Yeah you heard me, you green git,” the Doctor taunted, pulling out his claymore for effect. “I’ll gouge your eyes out and then rip off a ten speed bike!”

The Hulk shook his head as the white light of the Portal Master engulfed them. “Your funeral,” he grunted.

And the match began.

The board is set, and the game is on

The Hulk was instantly teleported into a clearing in a jungle area. All around him, bright purple plants grew up. These weren’t lush, beautiful tropical plants. These were mean, prickly, probably poisonous tropical plants that evolved to face the most dangerous animals feeding on them. So unless hulk missed his guess, there would be little animal “friends” in this new environment.

The only thing here that really didn’t belong was an innocuous looking wooden door sticking up from the rich soil like a misshapen mushroom.

Experimenting, the Hulk walked over to the door and kicked it open. To his surprise, it did not shatter but exploded open.

A blast of wind caused his eyes to widen; on the other side of the door was a snowy, mountainous area. He watched with muted wonderment as a strange alien machine floated past the door. The robotic sentry’s trilobite shaped body was composed of two parts, a metallic horseshoe shape at the front and the rear which was a floating, glowing ball of light.

The Protoss sentry floated several feet above the ground where it did not regard the Hulk at all.

Suddenly, the Hulk’s keen eyes saw a flash of light up in the sky; somewhere in the stratosphere the Doctor had teleported.

Before the Hulk could act, he was attacked by the one of the alien beasts produced by the Portal Master specifically for this battle.

A hideous beast that was all armor, teeth and claws charged the Hulk; the damn thing was so ugly even the dreaded Zerg would lose their lunch.

The Tyranid Carnifex roared at the Hulk and fired its bio cannons at the green prey thing. The area damage of the bio-plasma was devastating, obliterating nearly a square block of jungle. Strangely, the wooden door was unharmed.

Thick smoke rose up from the burning jungle and the Carnifex scanned with its advanced senses . . . only for a giant green arm to reach out and rip off its left “arm.”

The beast howled in pain and swung out at its tormentor only to have that ripped off as well.

Roaring with his own primal fury, the Hulk hefted the multi-ton Carnifex over his head and tore it in half.

The once proud killing machine of the Tyranid Swarm screeched weakly. Quantity is a quality all on its own, and nothing short of a Tyranid Hive fleet was even going to make the Hulk bat an eyelash.

Raising his foot, the Hulk stomped on the beast’s head and it was done. Now to find that Doctor.

The Doctor teleported in the middle of the sky, five miles up; roughly the height of a commercial jet and he began to fall.

“AAAAAAAAHHH!!!” The Doctor screamed as he fell.

As he fell, he kept on screaming, though rather from fear it was out of a weird sense of that was what he was supposed to be doing. Another Time Lord would be screaming from fear, but he wasn’t a normal Time Lord.

As he fell, he saw something flying in the sky so there was hope after all.

As the wind whipped past him and stung his eyes, the Doctor began to rethink his battle strategy. First though he had to play a spot of Angry Birds. He pulled out his iPhone and started up the minigame.

Come on, come on, yes! Take that, pigs! Not that the Doctor hated pigs.

Putting away his phone the Doctor reached into his jacket and pulled out a package of tofu-ham. He took a nipple before spitting it out. Last time he bought that crap.

Alright the ground was getting awfully close. Yanking out his sonic screwdriver, the Doctor put it on a frequency that was guaranteed to attract all flying creatures.

The Doctor had only to wait six point three seconds before a little friend came calling. A starving mutalisk flew at him like a meteor of chitinous armor and pain. The signal that the sonic screwdriver was giving off was a dinner bell, telling flying predators that the Doctor was food.

The mutalisk flew at the Doctor, preparing to rip him apart in midair; though this time traveller hadn’t survived wars, predators, psychopaths and even a confrontation with the slender man by being timid and slow of reflexes.

The muta dive bombed the Doctor, only for the time traveller to twist in midair at the last second and grab onto the back of the mutalisk.

Piggybacking on the dreadful flying monster, the creature began a desperate attempt to buck off the Doctor. However the Time Lord was ready for it. The frequency of the sonic screwdriver switched to one that mimicked the psionic signal of the Zerg Queen and the beast went docile.

Using his legs to hold onto the flying mutalisk, the Doctor pulled the claymore from his jacket; his police box wasn’t the only thing that was bigger on the inside.

As the Doctor and his hideous steed flew through the air, frost began to form on the Time Lord’s hair. His breath began to frost. The climate was rapidly changing. Down below them there was a snowy, mountainous area with what looked like wooden doors scattered across it.

His keen alien senses picked up impending doom. The Doctor raised his sword and swung it.

A large wooden log was bisected in half by the Time Lord’s heavy blade. The Hulk was going small; that log only weighed a hundred pounds.

The two halves of the log split and each one flew past the Doctor’s head, leaving behind splinters in his ears. Even with his reflexes that was too close.

Down on the ground, the Hulk picked up the Doctor surviving the flying log. The great green anti-hero growled. He throwing arm was as accurate as that goon Bullseye. Since when did the geeky time traveller become a Jedi?

Growling, the Hulk grabbed two large boulders and crushed them in his hands; but not too hard.

The Doctor’s eyes widened as he saw what the Hulk was doing from down below. Even about four hundred feet up he could still see what was coming his way.

A giant hailstorm of gravel flew at the Doctor like buckshot.

With his sonic screwdriver, he tried to create an airburst that would knock away the flying stones but it was too little too late.

The Doctor’s Mutalisk was perforated. The mutated monster gave a shriek and started to plummet to the ground. The Doctor himself managed to avoid taking any damage due to his ability to see all possible futures and the sonic burst. The hulk throwing shit at him was definitely in his future and wasn’t hard to predict.

Deprived of his flying ride, the Doctor began to plunge towards the snowy ground.

Grabbing his sword in his teeth, the Doctor reached into his pocket once more and took out the laser screwdriver.

Hitting the buttons on both instruments, they both lit up.

The laser screwdriver’s concentrated beam collided with the sonic pulse of the screwdriver and created an air bubble similar to Avatar Aang’s air scooter. A simple technique, the Doctor picked up on it when reading in the library of Babel and he was replicating it now with his tools.

As he started to slowly float down towards the ground, the Doctor rotated the screwdrivers so that he spun rapidly in a circle. At just the right moment, he let go of the sword in his teeth and it went flying into the desert where the Doctor would play out his schemes.

And in this case even the Doctor’s best laid plans were left by the wayside when the Hulk finally hit him with a large rock upside the head.

The Doctor’s eyes rolled and then he blacked out . . .

. . . luckily the landing on hard, frozen granite woke him up.

“Ah!” the Doctor cried out in pain. Though for a man who fell nearly two hundred feet onto solid stone he was looking good. Badly bruised and battered was he but no broken bones and ligaments intact.

The Doctor stood up, groaning in pain. Agonizingly, he flexed his hand and looked at his palm. There in left hand was the laser screwdriver; still intact and fully functional. He smiled a bit at that, but that smile faded when he saw that his sonic was nowhere to be seen.

He felt rather than saw the two thousand pound Hulk about to land on him. Even that wouldn’t kill him but getting stomped in half by the Hulk would end the fight.

The Doctor rolled out of the way of the Hulk like a video game character in a QuickTime even.

The powerful gamma being landed where the doctor had been only milliseconds ago. He’d only intended to maim the Doctor by landing on him.

That would lower your score, idiot. The less damage the Better.

Hulk narrowed his eyes and snapped back at his alter ego. “Shut up, Banner. I have this.”

The Doctor stared back at the Hulk, laser screwdriver at the ready. Unlike so many others, he showed absolutely no fear in the face of the World Breaker.

The two stood by each other, though this time the Hulk’s anger and strength level had been raised by the encounter with the Carnifex. A side effect of that was that the Hulk was now a bit less rational from his anger.

Ignoring the protests of Banner, the Hulk raised his giant ax with the intention of hitting the Doctor gently over the head with the blunt end; at least he remembered that much about how the ax worked.

Yet to his surprise, a blade made of light shot out of the Doctor’s laser doohickey.

The Doctor had modulated the laser screwdriver to perfectly replicate the effect of a lightsabre focusing crystal and it cut through the Hulk’s ax like a machete through warm butter.

The head of the ax went flying and the Hulk was left holding a handle.

“I’m not doing this out of ego, but I have a better chance of winning the Tournament than you. I can bring back your wife.”

At the mention of his deceased loved one, the Hulk’s anger spiked tenfold and he swung the ax handle thoughtlessly at the Doctor.

The Time Lord jumped backwards, avoiding the strike that would have caved in his chest. As he landed and the Hulk spun around, time itself seemed to slow down just for him.

The Hulk was suddenly moving at snail’s pace. And with a press of a button, the laser screwdriver fired a beam that totally vaporized what was left of the Hulk’s ax.

Laser screwdriver, who'd have sonic?

Enraged at the loss of his ax, the Hulk raised his hands to do one of his classic thunder claps.

The Hulk was stronger and faster now; the Doctor couldn’t move fast enough to escape the wide angle devastation of the thunderclap, which would surely put him out of commission. However the Doctor had yet another innovation taken from another of the inhabitants.

With a flick of his wrist, the Doctor fired a grappling line hidden in his sleeve and in another half second it towed him away.

Watching the tournament from his lair, Batman would be silently furious that the Doctor had copied the designs of his grapnel launcher.

The oncoming concussive blast rocked the Doctor’s hair and nearly deafened him but otherwise he was unharmed and ready to continue the fight.

Then as he landed, the Doctor’s eye caught the glint of an old friend; his sonic screwdriver.

The Hulk also spotted the sonic screwdriver and made a leap for it. Again, the Doctor wasn’t fast enough to stop the Hulk but he didn’t have to be.

The Master had built the laser screwdriver exclusively to kill; it was a weapon, not at all like the sonic screwdriver. Hence the Doctor had modified it to channel his psychic powers to do . . . that!

The sonic screwdriver flew from where it lay on the granite, out of the Hulk’s grasp; who hit the snowy granite and splintered it into thousands of stone shards.

With his artificial force pull, the sonic screwdriver was back in the Doctor’s hands. Suddenly, he felt like he was king of the world. Nothing could stand against him now; the green man had better start running.

The Hulk charged once more at the little man, who far from trying to dodge the attack was scanning the environment with his sonic.

Then to the Hulk’s surprise, the Doctor pulled a gun from his jacket; a Webley revolver to be precise. On the end of the Webley was some kind of grenade launcher extension.

The Doctor aimed his gun at the Hulk, who was charging at him—right before aiming the gun up and firing it at the sky.

The grenade/rocket screamed up into the wild blue yonder.

Time slowed down once more for the Doctor. The timed his movements precisely so that he slipped right between the Hulk’s mighty legs; using the green giant’s height against him.

The Hulk spun around, trying to find the Doctor, who was now standing back to back with the Hulk; spinning, evading and staying specifically where the Hulk was not looking.

This was causing the Hulk to grow angrier and angrier. This pestilent little worm wasn’t even giving him the common decency of staying in one place for a hit.

Guys like Thor, the Abomination and even the Thing from the fantastic Four never really bothered with dodging tactics. They all hammered at each other like charging rams, but this Doctor was slippery as a bar of soap and more intelligent than Mr. Fantastic.

BOOM! An explosion went up into the stratosphere. Causing the Hulk to look up, temporarily forgetting the niggling little fly that so irked him.

As he looked up, the Hulk saw thick clouds form in the sky and before he knew it a massive blizzard was forming.

Winds whipped up the snow and new flakes began to fall. In less than thirty seconds visibility was reduced to almost zero; at least for a human.

The growling, snarling Hulk spun around, looking again for the Doctor; but all he could see were the rapidly fading footprints in the snow. The Doctor had done the only smart thing when battling the incredible Hulk; he’d given him the slip and ran.

Not willing to let his prey flee, the Hulk leapt above the clouds, hoping to spot his prey form above or else see if he’d somehow teleported somewhere else.

The Hulk jumped landing in the jungle, a desert environment and somehow back into the very spot where he started; it was almost as if there was an invisible wall that automatically teleported him back to the opposite edge of the arena.

The Doctor fled with greater speed than an Olympic runner. Back on his home planet, he’d been diagnosed as mentally disable in school and only scored average in all his exams; but he always excelled in physical education. No bastard on Gallifrey could beat him in a race; though the Hulk was faster than even that.

Still, the Doctor wanted the Hulk to chase him. He wanted the Hulk to think that he was doing well for himself before the Doctor tricked him into submitting.

Then the plan went FUBAR when the Doctor fell into a hidden trap beneath the snow.

Once more this day, the Time Lord fell screaming; this time into a pit that opened up beneath his feet; this was one thing that even his supreme master of the dimension of time didn’t see happening.

The Doctor fell, expertly twisting his body to avoid giant blades, wooden beams and other unpleasant nasties that would guarantee a murder for anyone that fell down.

The Doctor landed finally after falling who knew how far. It was far enough that pain shot through his heels.

Then, the Time Lord looked just at where he’d landed.

His new environment looked like a historically accurate recreation of an ancient Egyptian tomb complete with Torches. Memories of his adventures in ancient Egypt flooded the Doctor’s mind. Cleopatra was one awesome lady; historians did not do her justice.

His rumination was interrupted by a loud cry that run from very modern looking loudspeakers that weren’t there a second ago.

“WAAAAAAAAAAAARRR!!!!!”

Then the Doctor heard the sound of croaking and his blood ran cold. Coming out of the walls were horned toad like creatures with demonic grins on their warty faces.

Oh shit, the Doctor recognized these evil little mother fuckers. They were Marsh Hoppers from Rigel Kentaris and they were a breed of semi-aquatic creatures that defended their territory with suicidal zeal.

The grinning marsh hoppers leapt at the Doctor, who nimbly ducked. The wicked little beast flew and hit a stone wall, where it exploded into acidic slime that corroded the wall.

Five more of the deadly amphibians flew at the Doctor but he stunned them midair with his sonic. The hoppers fell to the ground with a wet plop; their stubby legs twitched.

The marsh hoppers were popping out of holes cut into the stone walls and there seemed to be no end to them. With their manic little grins, they threw themselves at the Doctor with the intent of inflating their bodies until their intestines full of toxic acid exploded.

The Doctor moved and jived like a pro-dancer. He used every possible move to try and dodge those frogs while using the sonic to stun them.

The hoppers piled on and on, their numbers seemingly without end and the number of stunned creatures piled up around the Doctor like a heap of organic landmines. The unconscious vermin on the ground were just as dangerous as their still active brethren.

It was then that the Doctor saw a future where he died at the hands of these murderous little beasts. Everything had now changed; thus the plan had to change as well.

The sonic whined, before changing its pitch to a weird shrieking. Immediately, the marsh hoppers all began to hop back into the holes they came from and vanish from sight.

The Doctor smiled as within moments he was space-toad free. “The Rigel Kentarian locust-roach; only natural predator of the marsh hopper. Heh, gets em every time.”

He then ran to the hole he’s fallen into and fired his grappling hook up the shaft. He zipped up like a tweed superhero.

Back in his quarters, Batman watched the progress between the Doctor and the Hulk with interest. His face was grave. He already had deduced the outcome of the battle, but as of yet there were no certainties.

The Doctor shot out of the hole in the earth like a cork. Outside, the blizzard that he’d created was still raging and with any luck it would still shield him from the Hulk.

That was until a giant rock flew from out of the whipping winds and snow to strike the Doctor and pin him to the spot.

The Doctor grunted with pain as the angular granite boulder dug into his hip. He could already hear the footsteps of the Hulk approaching. It wasn’t a sophisticated trap but it had worked. Luckily, the Doctor was a master of breaking out of traps.

As the Hulk approached, the Doctor saw that he’d have just three seconds to do what needed to be done.

Thump! The Hulk’s foot came down

At two and one half seconds, the Doctor scanned with his sonic; reading not only the Hulk’s calmed state but that he had all his banner tech in a wooden box to shield from the sonic; a clever move.

Thump!

At two seconds remaining, the Doctor lifted up his laser screwdriver and pressed the button extra hard on the sonic screwdriver.

The Hulk’s massive hand encased the Doctor’s and crushed the sonic screwdriver, also shattering every bone in the Doctor’s hand.

The Time Lord gritted his teeth in pain. “G-good, work, Hulk,” he congratulated shakily; his sonic hidden from sight.

The Hulk said nothing. The Doctor was too dangerous to allow to go on, so he raised his mighty hand to knock his foe out.

Less than two tenths of a second were left and now was the moment for the Doctor to spring the trap.

From under the snow, the sonic screwdriver projected a beam of sonic waves that directly influenced the Hulk’s olfactory senses.

Nostrils flaring, the Hulk suddenly forgot the Doctor and roared like an alarmed animal.

He beat his chest and smashed the ground around him; the shockwave had the intended side effect of freeing the Doctor from the boulder that trapped him.

The reason for the Hulk’s mindless anger was that the sonic screwdriver had convinced him that he smelled the hated sorcerer supreme, Stephen Strange.

He could see through illusions but not smell through illusions; and in the Hulk’s brain like a human brain, smell is the sense most deeply tied to memory.

The Doctor ran back, knowing that any second the Hulk would regain his senses and kill him; not knock out but kill. Two steps forward in exchange for one step backward.

Then, his battle plan changed once more as he saw one of the wooden doors just barely poking out of the deep snow his storm had created.

Using his sonic to blast away the snow, the Doctor opened the door and ran through.

Instantly, bone chilling cold was replaced with sweltering heat and unmitigated humidity. He was now in the purple jungle, with the various beasts; it was a hell of a lot safer than being with the Hulk.

The Doctor spun his sonic screwdriver around, scanning the environment. Ah, how very, very interesting; he had a Carnifex behind him.

The towering Tyranid war beast screeched at the Doctor, spraying him with drool. Mere mortals would have pissed themselves, but the Doctor looked rather bored. Really, just a regular carnifex? Why couldn’t he have met one of the spiked varieties or a stone crusher instead of a screamer?

Looking bored, the Doctor pressed his sonic screwdriver . . . and without warning, a huge mouth burst up from the ground and bit down on the carnifex.

The giant creature screamed and fire bio plasma that burned the trees, but the mouthparts of the unknown alien creature sliced through the Carnifex’s armor like it didn’t exist.

Whatever it was that was eating the carnifex was big, carnivorous and the Doctor had no idea what it was. He could see no eyes but loads of grinding mouth parts like a living meat factory; this wasn’t even the beast’s head, merely a tiny appendage. How big it was, the sonic screwdriver didn’t have the range to say.

Loud crunching noises finally silence the shrieking carnifex and the ex-Tyranid monster was dragged underground for a meal.

The Doctor then remembered something; quickly he spun around and scanned the wooden door he’d come through.

“Well, hopefully the Hulk can’t fit through,” he said to himself, feeling his alien ADD coming through.

Fate then spat in the Doctor’s eye as the Hulk exploded through the wooden door; splintering it into fifty million pieces and swinging a lethal fist at the Doctor.

The Doctor jumped back, using his remote data sensing abilities to time his movements to dodge the Hulk.

Overhead, a zap of the Doctor’s sonic screwdriver caused clouds to form and blot out the sun. It was nice and dark out now. The Doctor was about to try his newest trick.

In his own quarters, Jackie Estacado assembled and disassembled his beloved pistols. Next to him was a six-pack of beer, a plate of spaghetti and on the wall the battle was televised on a plasma screen TV. He needed to be in top form to beat that fucking night.

Sure he might be the lord and Master of Darkness, but that fucker, Arthas, he was something else. A cocksucker like that had to be put down. No matter what the Portal Master’s bullshit, the Lich King needed to be killed.

Jackie grabbed a beer and took a sip of the hop flavored drink as he saw the Doctor use his sonic screwdriver to . . .

Jackie choked on his beer and spat it out.

“What!” he gasped.

There on the screen, dozens of dark little beasts were popping up out of the shadows and attacking the Hulk.

Darklings!!!! The Doctor had used his motherfucking sonic screwdriver to summon Darklings?!

"You stole my fucking style! you cunt!" he roared and fired a gun at his TV screen. 

The Hulk roared and smashed the Darklings to bits. The Doctor had not known of such beasts before entering the tournament; fantastic, really! Thus before arriving in the tournament, he’d figured out how to open a hole to the Darklings home dimension and manipulate them; based on his efforts fighting mirrorlings, another group of trans-dimensional villains.

One of the Darklings yanked the wooden box of banner tech and tossed it to the Doctor before being crushed like a bug.

Smashing open the wooden box, the Doctor saw what he was looking for. The enraged Hulk was upon him.

The Hulk grabbed the Doctor by the throat and was about to wring his neck when the Doctor vanished; teleporting out using Banner’s own technology against him.

Now you’ve done it. Banner scolded, furthering the Hulk’s fury.

Suddenly, the Hulk vanished and he found himself standing in the middle of a vast desert of shifting sands.

Bright sunlight caused him to wince; the Doctor’s cloud cover had vanished as fast as it was created.

The Hulk scanned around but his prey made itself known by the sound of a gunshot. A bullet hit the sands near the Hulk’s feet.

Hulk spun around and faced the Doctor. A thin snake of smoke protruded from the barrel of his revolver. In his eyes there was only a detached sense of calm. The Doctor wasn’t a warrior, he was something much worse; more like a surgeon, and the Hulk was his patient.

He fired his gun five more times, each time striking the sand around the Hulk. Then without a further word he dropped his gun into the sand and kicked it towards the Hulk.

Holding his sonic screwdriver, the Doctor threw it as far as he could; where the useful device landed with a small whine, as if protesting its owner’s course of action.

Stepping forward to the Hulk, the Doctor held his claymore sword aloft. The sight of the primitive steel weapon brought the Hulk back to his days at the gladiatorial arena on Saaakar.

The Doctor raised his sword, not in attack but in salute. He spoke not like the Marvel Illuminati had, like patronizing parents, but like an equal. “Hulk, Green Skar, I am the Doctor and I know how you feel.”

The Hulk’s hackles were raised but he perceived no threat coming from the Doctor. In the ground, the “bullets” glowed faintly red and pulsed with psychic energy.

“You’ve been treated like a monster, hounded, hunted and hated from the moment you were born. Even those that tried to help you only hurt you.”

“So what I’m doing right now, is asking for a favor. I’m asking for your help. I’m asking you to forfeit the match.”

The Hulk stood straight. The psychic devices fired from the Doctor’s gun were only nudging him in the right place; even now the slightest thing could go wrong.

Still, the Hulk’s anger was subsiding and his rational thought was increasing.

“Hulk, I’m begging you,” the Doctor’s voice was thick with emotion. Then with great surprise, the Doctor ran forward and head-butted the Hulk.

The Hulk cried out and grabbed his head, reeling at the sheer amount of data coming at him.

He could see it all. The Doctor’s history, his origins, his failures, and triumphs; even his true name.

He saw eleven incarnations of the same man who time and time again challenged evil and sacrificed all that he loved.

The Hulk had lost a wife; the Doctor had lost a wife, children, grandchildren, his whole species.

The Hulk staggered back for a moment. He looked now at the doctor with new eyes. He saw past the dorky, unassuming appearance and he saw someone who’d killed even more people than the world breaker.

The Doctor was as much of a monster as the Hulk was, in some ways worse; that was why the Hulk was going to finally offer his surrender.

“I—

The Hulk began but was interrupted. A blast of energy struck him, transforming him back into Bruce Banner.

The Doctor pivoted around to see from whence the attack came.

In the sands his sonic screwdriver sat, where another energy beam destroyed it utterly.

The beam originated from some kind of fighting machine. Its four feet crunched on the sand; where it leisurely marched towards the Doctor and Bruce Banner. The humanoid torso glinted brass color in the hot sun.

An energy beam pulsed from its right “arm” from an opening built into a wicked looking claw covered in spikes.

The other arm ended in an eight fingered hand with no thumb.

Perhaps most unusual about the fighting robot was that there was a head but without features on it of any kind or sensory equipment. On its chest, a single large ocular device sat; which zoomed in and out to scan its intended targets.

The chest ocular rotated around the robot’s chest before refocusing on the prey.

The blue energy beam fired but it was stopped by the Banner Tech shield that the Doctor had stolen. Able to stop some of the Marvel Universes’ strongest heroes and now ten times as strong thanks to the Doctor’s tinkering; the fighting machine’s energy beam blasted through it in less than a second.

The Doctor grabbed Banner and hauled him behind a sand dune; where the sand struck by the beam simply ceased to exist.

The Doctor’s hand went to the Banner tech teleporter but the fighting machine was way ahead of him. It raised its eight fingered arm and unleashed a pulse identical to the sonic screwdriver, and the teleporter blew out like an old fuse.

Grabbing Banner’s stun gun, the Doctor fired it at the fighting machine’s angular exoskeleton.

The force was set to full blast suicide overload. The device instantly overloaded, but the fighting machine was blown back, tumbling head over heels.

The Doctor looked to his prone human companion. Ripping apart the remaining Banner tech he had, the time traveller started to cobble together something that would tip the scales.

The fighting machine continued its four footed march, its blue colored joints free of sand or dust. The red chest ocular spun three hundred and sixty degrees before focusing on the two targets.

Suddenly, the scans it was putting out started to go haywire. The fighting machine’s organic brain concluded that something bad was about to happen.

An earth splitting howl tore apart the desert sand, literally. The force of the cry created a dust storm that did not impair the fighting machine in any way.

Suddenly, a green arm shot out at the fighting machine and tore off the claw arm and the eight fingered arm.

The Hulk stood before the fighting machine, a literal god of rage.

Up on the dune, the Doctor held the remaining banner tech, which he’d manipulated with a regular screwdriver to become a Hulk powering machine. A beam of highly concentrated gamma radiation projected towards the Hulk, making him stronger and angrier than he’d ever been. At this point he was powerful enough to take out the god emperor in Eldrad’s home universe.

The fighting machine vibrated, before its brass and steel arms regenerated; then it vanished in a wink of light.

The Hulk looked around; he was a creature of pure instinct now; similar to the Ultimate Hulk but much worse. He would have attacked the Doctor and killed him had he not taken cover.

Suddenly, the sun was blotted out.

There was the fighting machine, now the size of the moon.

The Doctor looked up at the machine which had grown from two meters tall to 3 474.8 kilometers.

“Oh shit!” said the Doctor, who’d never seen anything this fucking crazy before. He didn’t recognize the fighting machine, had never seen anything like it but it was clear that this was at least on par if not superior to Gallifreyan technology.

The Hulk looked at the fighting machine, his eyesight saw into the red ocular. Through the ocular he could see an organic brain, constantly hemorrhaging, with crude wires sticking out of it and synapses firing.

The mad hulk roared his challenge to the fighting machine; which responded in time.

An eight fingered arm came down, with a finger of stupidly big proportions. It was going to poke the Doctor and the Hulk to death.

The giant metal finger came through the atmosphere from outer space, glowing red on re-entry.

The Hulk growled and leapt upwards, punching the finger on its red hot tip. The punch was so strong that the Hulk tore off his own arm to do so.

Green blood pouring everywhere, the Hulk threw all his head into this one punch. The focus of this punch was the focus of his life.

Down below, the Doctor cheered the Hulk. “Go Hulk! Fuck that oversized pressure cooker.”

RAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Inside the Hulk’s mind, Bruce Banner was screaming just as loud; letting forth all of his life’s frustrations and injustices and feeding them into the Hulk. For the first time, they truly became one.

The fist struck the tip of the fighting machine’s finger.

A flash of energy emanated out.

The Doctor held his breath; he was practically tearing out his hair with anticipation. The Banner tech radiation Hulk booster in his hand burnt out and the blast of radiation vaporized his hand.

. . .

. . .

 . . .

First it was small, and then it grew.

The fighting machine was dying. Its mechanical body was falling apart, starting at that one finger. Metal panels fell off in squares and burnt like tissue paper.

It built up exponentially, so the organic, constantly bleeding brain had time to silently scream in its machine prison before its shell and itself were finally destroyed.

In the ashes of the battle, only one man stood. That man was the oncoming storm; the most feared man in his universe, the most dangerous, and one of the most wonderful.

Battered, bruised injured, the Doctor was walking around as if sleepwalking.

The sun was setting in the desert, the winds picked up and the temperature dropped. Shivering, he hugged himself for warmth even though he’d hardly flinched at the blizzard temperatures in the mountains.

There, after what felt like hours of walking, the Doctor found the body of Bruce Banner.

On the verge of death from radiation poisoning, Banner looked up at the Doctor with blind eyes.

The Time Lord knelt by Banner, caressing him and trying to comfort him. “That was very good, Dr. Banner. Give the Hulk my congratulations also. You both deserve a rest.” Then with his touch, the Doctor began to absorb the radiation in Banner’s body, hoping to prolong his life.

Gasping for breath, Bruce’s hair had half fallen out. Cellular necrosis was not far away. With only minutes to live, he breathed, “We surrender.”

The Doctor grimaced; somehow knowing that he won utterly was making him feel like shit.

He stood up, and turned around, where Portal Master stood with his white wolf. “I hope you’re happy,” he said to the red being in a threatening voice.

“Oh I am!” the Portal Master gushed. “Congratulations, Doctor. You truly are the Swiss army knife of the tournament.”

A few of the Tournament fighters were gathered outside the entry portal, awaiting the winner. Eldrad stood there with Azula, Thor, Superman, Jackie Estacado and Raven.

Eldrad has foreseen the Hulk would win, so it was to his utter surprise and utter loathing that the Doctor walked through like he held the world in the palm of his hand. He’d had a chance to clean himself up and looked so prim and posh.”

“Well, well, well, Mr. Farseer,” he chuckled at Eldrad’s sour expression, “Someone here thought that I wasn’t going to win. But of course, fortune tellers are always wrong.”

“Suck my crystalized testicles, you hunk of shit,” Eldrad deadpanned, before turning and walking away.

The Doctor laughs at seers

Thor was merely blown away; the strongest son of a bitch in his universe had been taken down by a dork. Clearly this Doctor was a warrior without parallel. “Come hither, Learned Doctor, ye shall partake of mead in my hut!” and he pulled the Doctor into a friendly, manly hug.

Thus the Doctor found a new BFF

In his own dwelling, Alex Mercer shut off the monitor and leaned back in his chair. He was deep in thought. The Hulk had been beaten, and the Doctor had come ahead with a perfect victory. If not for that stupid robot machine, the Hulk would have surrendered; unless he was planning to make a Borat style “naht!” Joke.

Still, next up Alex would have to face either the Lich King or the Darkness boy, Estacado.

Don’t worry about that Catholic boy, Alex. He’s a puppy compared to people like me, or even people like you.

Alex remained silent at the voice in his head. Ever since consuming Alucard, he’d been babbling nonstop; alternating between threats and inane banter about random topics.

Don’t ignore me, Alex. You haven’t beaten me yet.

Alex rolled his eyes, “I consumed you and all your powers and souls. I won. Get over it.”

The ugly voice that was Alucard laughed.

Well, if I haven’t made it patently obvious, I hope you die, in a painful fashion. But maybe if you be nice to me I’ll help you

“I won’t let you free, any more than I’d set Elizabeth Green Free.”

Since consuming Alucard, Green had come to life; psychopathic bitch.

Come now Alex, when you fight the Lich King, you’ll need all the help you can get. Why, that sword of his could have killed me. Oh, so exciting

At the thought of frostmourne, Alucard practically had a mental orgasm.

Alex sneered at Alucard’s undisguised bloodlust, gluttony and sexual perversion. Not only was the man a psychopath but he was also a necrophiliac; he loved death.

Unbidden, Alucard kept talking.

Oh yes, when I first arrived here, I looked into Arthas’s mind. Oh it was beautiful, he purred, So many lives ruined by his hand, so much misery; I want to kill him!

Alex’s curiosity perked. “I thought you hated monsters?” Something that he’d always thought interesting, coming from a monster in mind and body.

Oh I do, virus; but one can’t help but admire such coldness and lack of empathy. I have to say I’m a little envious and sickened; this tournament has allowed me to view people much worse than myself. And I hate it.

Alex turned back to his work table. “What you think is of no matter. You’re nothing more than a selfish gene that I’ve consumed. Your so called supernatural powers are nothing more than natural processes that haven’t been studied yet; like bacteria once were.”

This caused dark laughter from Alucard, which rang against a backdrop of threats and rambling from Elizabeth Green.

May be so, virus, but you’d better stay on your guard. As long as I exist, even as a “selfish gene” I can still threaten you. So sleep tight, I’ll be there always, wrapped around your cerebellum, always there, always . . .

Alex said nothing. For the power he gained, he could live with this maniac; though he was grateful that he no longer needed to sleep; with Alucard and Greene in his head he’d have nightmares for the rest of his life.