Peter Griffin vs Mickey Mouse

Master of the Boot’s Deadliest Warrior

Mickey Mouse vs. Peter Griffin

Disclaimer: I do not own family guy or Disney

The disclaimer appears on the screen and then appear the three hosts. “The debate between modern and new, pop and retro has always been around,” says Geoff.

“And there’s fewer new and popular shows than family guy,” Armand supplies.

The screen flashes to show Peter Griffin. He gives us his trademark idiot laugh.

Father of the year

The scene changed back to the hosts. “Peter Griffin is very popular,” says Max, “But what classic cartoon character would be worthy to take him in a fight?”

The screen changes to show a TV set. Bugs Bunny appears on it, “What’s up, Doc?” he asks, right before the camera pans out and Goofy smashes the TV to pieces with a hammer.

Goofy looks at the camera as the remains of the TV sparks and sputters, “Bugs Bunny sucks, ahyuk-hyuk.” He laughs merrily.

Announcer: Mickey Mouse!

Shows the epic mouse himself

Sweep that floor, bitch!

From King of the Kingdom hearts to fighting the phantom blot, he’s done it all!

Shows Mickey in Kingdom Hearts and fighting with his brother Oswald in epic Mickey.

Announcer: Peter Griffin

Shows Peter fighting the giant chicken

The king of the school that says that cartoons aren’t only for kids.

The screen changes to show Mickey and Peter fighting to the death in a concrete pit.

Announcer: Here at the fight club, we bring together war veterans, scientists and experts from across the globe.

Geoff Desmoulins appears before the camera. “I’ve got to go with Peter on this one. Mickey was really something in the silent film era but in the modern age of rude, crude, un-PC cartoons a Disney guy like him has no chance.”

Announcer: Our biomedical expert, Geoff Desmoulins, and our computer expert, Max Geiger.

The curly haired Max appears before the camera. “Geoff is totally wrong on this. Mickey has been around for over ninety years. He’s stood the test of time and while he’s a nice guy he can put up a fight and outwit the bad guys.”

At that moment, Geoff smacks Max with a wooden spoon. “Ow! Fuck! What was that for?”

“You called me wrong,” Geoff explains.

Announcer: Former ER doctor and fight doctor Armand Dorian, provides the voice of reason.

“There’s a lot of reasons to be pro Peter and pro Mickey,” the Doc explains. “Peter is has shown the ability to take a lot of punishment but with his obesity he could have a heart attack any moment. And Mickey is nimble but I’m not sure he has the power to take down Peter.

Announcer: Two of cartoon kind’s greatest faces go head to head

Mickey and Peter charge, Mickey’s got a crowbar and Peter has a hatchet.

All for the sake of deciding . . . who is

THE DEADLIEST WARRIOR!

Announcer: Two famous cartoon characters are about to fight to the death and we’re all cheerful about it.

Geoff is all smiles as he handles an assault rifle. “Come on, we’re all happy. Who wouldn’t want to see Mickey Mouse get killed?”

One of the guest experts disagrees. Donald Duck, dressed in camo colored clothes and with military medals pinned to his chest starts to spaz at Geoff.

Announcer: Donald Duck, a former US Marine and veteran of the Vietnam War stands by Mickey’s side.

The Godfather of Angry birds

When Donald speaks, it’s almost impossible to tell what he’s saying, this gets worse as his emotional state heats up. For viewer’s convenience, Donald has subtitles for his words.

“I served in Vietnam for three tours of duty before being wounded and being sent stateside.” The Duck rubs his throat, remembering long healed war wounds. “Mickey was with the hippie movement, but he never spat on me or called me bay killer. Instead, he helped me kick my heroin habit.”

Announcer: but Peter Griffin has on his side the ultimate evil child

 We liked him better evil

The infamous Stewie appears on camera with a battle-axe in his hands. “To be honest, I rather pity Mickey,” Stewie explains. “The fat man may not be the cleverest fellow but I believe that he will still turn Mickey’s testicles into his private property.”

Behind Stewie, Brian Griffin appears drinking a martini. “I’m supporting Peter because he has practically no nervous system; he won’t feel fear or pain and he can’t back down. Mickey will kill him and he’ll die by Peter’s falling corpse.” He’s considerably less confident in Peter but still thinks Mickey will lose.

Can you say cirrhosis? 

Announcer: Because Goofy is a dumbass we’ve brought in Mickey’s brother, Oswald the lucky rabbit to assist us.

Oswald appears before the camera, very much looking like he’s related to Mickey. He’s got more of less the same animation style as Mickey, though with blue instead of red shorts and a very different tail.

“I’ve known about Mickey for a long time but we’ve only just met,” says Oswald in a warbling, Frank Welker voice, “I admit he and I have issues but when the chips were down he stood by me and we kicked the phantom blot’s ass. What Mickey has is that he’d die to do the right thing, while this other guy is taking our culture back to the fifties.”

Chicks dig him 

Mickey Mouse:

First Appearance: Steamboat Willy

Height: 3’6’’

Species: mouse

Weapons: epic paintbrush, keyblade, sorcerer’s hat, revolver.

Creator: Walt Disney

Peter Griffin:

First appearance: Family Guy

Height: 5’10

Species: Fat human bastard

Weapons: minigun, death’s scythe, steroids, ass-fire

Geoff and the guy stand with the two sets of experts. Oswald and Donald versus Stewie and Brian. “So guys,” says Geoff, “who starts first.”

Donald steps forward, “We start first, our team is better!”

Stewie however has other ideas. “Whoa, Mr. Duck. I think you said that you’re team has better but I’m afraid you haven’t the right to say that. Anyway, we should go first given that our weapons will thrill the audiences more.”

Oswald the rabbit speaks his mind, pushing Donald and Stewie apart. “Hold on ladies and germs, let’s flip a coin for it.”

Stewie and Donald eye each other before backing off and letting Geoff flip a coin.

Announcer: And so we go with Mickey’s mundane weapon, the Schofield revolver.

Good enough for Landon Ricketts, Good enough for Mickey 

Oswald the rabbit prepares he revolver, loading the gun while the guys set up the testing equipment at the firing range.

Meanwhile Stewie is trying to psych out Donald and it’s working.

“Don’t look at the camera,” says Stewie. Donald tries to ignore the evil baby but all he hears is, “I said don’t look at the camera.

Donald shoots Stewie a dirty look but the baby is undeterred.

“There’s no point in looking at it. It just makes you look pathetic,” Stewie informs him. “Viewer interest; now that’s what determines camera focus, who the viewers love the most. In this case they won’t even notice you. Did I mention I won an emmy?”

Finally Oswald has finished with the gun and he holds it up. “Gather around everyone, what I’ve got here is a .45 Smith and Wesson Schofield revolver.”

Oswald expertly spins the gun around his finger. He’s starting to look like a toon rabbit cousin of Revolver Ocelot. “In use by the United States Cavalry until the end of the Spanish American war, it’s powerful and faster to reload than most side arms of its time. Our father Walt Disney used one of these to shoot at leftist college students.”

Overhead, birds chip as everything is set to go. In true cartoon fashion, Oswald conjures up a cowboy outfit seemingly from nowhere and gets ready to fire.

Geoff gets the stop watch. “Oswald, are you ready to kick ass like a rabbit?”

“YEE-HAW!” Oswald shouts, ears sticking up through his hat.

With that, Max hits a switch and out of a machine flies a clay pigeon. The clay pigeon sails majestically into the sky before being blown to bits by Oswald’s gun.

Several more clay pigeons fly out of the machine, coming fast and low, high and slow. Oswald shoots them all down like a true cartoon marksman.

When the shooting is done, Oswald spins the gun around like a pro and puts it back into the holster—

BANG!!!

Only for the fun to go off in his pants.

A look of intense pain comes over Oswald’s face. “I hurt myself,” he says.

Stewie just walks up to Oswald and gives him a pat. “Good job,” he says dismissively, “Good work, now get out of here; you bother me.”

Announcer: the next weapon is one that’s not only lethal but leaves a raunchy smell in the room

You know, there are times where I'm not glad there's a family guy

Brian Griffin appears before the camera with a bottle of vodka. “Now you know that frat boys love fart jokes. Seth has done it to death on the show,” he takes a pull of the booze and goes on. A bright smile cracks his face. “And now without further ado, we demonstrate Peter’s ability to shoot fire out of his ass!”

Behind Brian, Stewie and weapons master David Baker pull back a curtain to reveal a giant plastic ass.

Stewie smiles and gives David a high five. “Let’s give it up for Dave Baker.”

I heart Dave Baker

Meanwhile, Donald nudges Max, “What did you guys do before he arrived on the show?””

“What?” says Max.

Donald gets pissed, “I said, what did you do for weapons before him!”

“Oh,” Max realizes, “Before David Baker we stole weapons from yard sales and museums and hoped they were accurate.”

Donald looks at Max with disbelief, “What?” he quacks.

Stewie stands showing off the giant plastic ass. “When Peter eats a ton of high fibre food like beans, he can literally shoot fire out of his anus by swallowing a bunch of flints.”

The scene shifts and Stewie is shown with goggles and hardhat on while the ass is pointed at an unlucky gelatin dummy.

“Like they say in StarCraft,” the baby grins, “Ready to fry.”

And with the flick of a button a jet of flaming fart shoots at the dummy. It instantly melts and the same is said for the steel lighting fixtures behind it, which also melts.

Armand puts a hand over his mouth and coughs, “Jesus Christ, that stinks! Someone open a fucking window!”

Announcer: After we burned about a thousand scented candles, the merits of both weapons were debated.

“Well my appetite for fart jokes is dead,” says Max. “I say we go with ass-fire.”

“There’s a problem with that,” says Armand, “Peter is only able to pull a fart like that once every ten minutes on a good day. The Schofield has a much higher rate of fire.”

“Plus the revolver has the added bonus of that you don’t need to turn your back to use it,” Geoff summarizes.

Edge: Schofield revolver

Announcer: Coming up, the test of magic versus technology

Everyone gathers around in the middle of the desert as Brian Griffin dresses in faux military gear and carries a great big chaingun with him. “This here is the M134 minigun. She fires six thousand rounds per minute and uses a rifle calibre 7.62 millimetre cartridge.” Brian then adopts a false Russian accent, “It costs four hundred thousand dollars to fire this weapon for twelve seconds.”

He only keeps a straight face for a few minutes and then bursts out laughing. “Nah, not really. I was on a huge Team Fortress 2 kick this morning.”

 We stole this bitch from Jamie Hyneman, he's going to be pissed

Brian then points at a car sitting out in the middle of the desert area. A giant bull’s-eye has been painted on it. “Basically I’m going to go loco on that car out there with this minigun and then we’ll see which weapon is deadlier.

Announcer: And let the bodies hit the floor.

Geoff gives the countdown. “Brian, you kill in 3 . . . 2. . . . 1 . . . FIRE!”

Brian continues to fire the minigun at the car. The old but sturdy used car suddenly becomes second cousin to holy Swiss cheese. Windows are blown out as if a bomb detonated nearby and soon fire and flames start to pop out of the hood right before the gas tank explodes.

There’s a giant round of applause as the giant fireball subsides.

Everyone is cheering and yelling with joy but a nearly incomprehensible quacking voice cuts the festivities short.

“Hey you assholes, this contest isn’t over yet!” Donald shouts at the crew and cast.

“What’d he say?” Max asks,

“I have no idea,” says Geoff.

Donald Duck steps closer, having traded in his military uniform for his outfit from Kingdom Hearts. The temperamental duck also has the famous sorcerer’s hat on his head. “With this hat, Mickey will be able to kick some ass.”

Stewie laughs at this. “Oh indeed, just like it worked so well for him with all those fucking brooms.”

Donald huffs and pushes the hat forward on his head. “Oh yeah? Well just you wait, laughing boy!”

At this, Oswald the Rabbit back up Donald. “Yeah Duck, what you said!” he hasn’t a clue what the hell Donald said.

Without waiting for the stop watch, Donald raises both his hands and suddenly a hundred foot high stone column rises out of the dusty ground. Moving his arms around like a bender from Avatar he summons lightning and storms. Bolts of atmospheric electricity hit several of the cameras and take them out of commission.

Then, laughing like a madman with a speech impediment, Donald raises up an army of brooms from the ground and sets them loose. The brooms charge until they reach an unsuspecting herd of cattle.

Like a swarm of hungry piranha, the brooms descend on the cows and rip them apart in a matter of seconds.

The victory of the hat however is short lived, as Brian has reloaded his minigun and is now firing bullets down upon the brooms. Suicidaly, the brooms charge Brian even as they are blown to splintery bits. However their fury is no match for the minigun and in moments they’re reduced to matches.

Brian grins at looks gleefully at a fuming Donald. Smiling, he pulls a can of beer from his vest and cracks it open. He takes his time drinking it, letting Donald Simmer. Finally Brian laughs, “Might as well give up now, ducky.”

Stewie wisely chooses this moment to step out of the way.

“Oh yeah!” shouts the furious duck. And with n warning, he punches Brian Griffin in the groin as hard as he can.

Brian drops his beer and hits the floor, rolling in agony. Stewie just shakes his head. “That’s what you get, man. Leave the taunting to the Pros.”

Edge: Minigun

Announcer: Tension is on the verge of exploding into a fiery firestorm as nobody can understand what Donald is saying.

The camera changes to show Donald sitting in a car with Geoff, Max, Armand as well as the other guest hosts. Donald quacks and swears angrily out the driver’s window as the vehicle is sitting in the drive through at McDonalds.

In the back of the car, Armand chats it up with Stewie, who is sitting in a baby seat. “So how do you like working on Family guy?” he asks.

Stewie shrugs. “Oh, it pays well. At first I had loads of fun playing up the evil baby angle but that was only a small part of my acting ability.” He pauses and takes a drink from his sippy cup. “So I asked Seth if I could expand my acting. I must say, becoming a gay stereotype was not what I had in mind.”

Announcer: Next up is the Deadly Scythe of Death versus the mighty Keyblade

Oswald the rabbit shows up in the studio, holding the majestic keyblade. Born of a union between Disney and Final Fantasy, this is a weapon of both great power and great beauty.

 Prepare your anus!

Oswald has a custom keyblade of his own now. The handle is shaped like a set of bunny ears and there are some carrot patterns filigreed in gold on the hilt. Swinging the blade around, Oswald explains about these noble weapons. “Now, don’t let the lack of cutting edge fool you.” The rabbit bounces up and down as he practices thrusts and parries with an imaginary enemy. “These are perfect weapons against magical enemies like Nobodies, heartless, vampires or anything like that.”

Hopping happily with his weapon, Oswald leaps over to a gel dummy. “Now on mundane targets they still have the power of blunt trauma and they always channel magical attacks. See.” With a flick of his wrist, Oswald strikes out at the head of the dummy. The skull is smashes like an egg on the pavement, skull fragments fly as far as twenty feet away and it’s a functional decapitation. The strike is punctuated by a flash of magic light.

Stewie however has other plans, and walks onto the set with a giant scythe. “Hold on there, Bugs Bunny. We have a weapon that is far superior; the very weapon of choice by the deathly Grim Reaper himself!”

Oswald looks at the scythe and blinks. “But that’s just an ordinary wooden scythe. I thought you were going to use the one from Dante’s Inferno. The cool one,” he clarifies.

Stewie pats the scythe along its handle, “Well she may not be flashy, but this fine scythe is the greatest implement of death ever created. And to illustrate the point, I’ve had the boys create a realistic test of its killing power.”

The scene changes, Stewie is wearing now baby pants and a hoodie.

Announcer: In a test of lethal power, Stewie will be set upon by forty zombies and he will then have to defend himself.

Geoff and the guys are setting up testing equipment. Max is getting his software ready while Geoff straps a motion and velocity sensor to Stewie’s arm along with an identical sensor to the handle of the scythe, just below the blade.

Armand is standing next to Oswald. “So, I know you’re the level headed one; so can I count on you to protect Stewie in case things go south?”

Oswald grins brightly and pops off one of his ears. That disembodied ear in his hands suddenly becomes shaped like a shotgun and Oswald pumps a shell into the firing chamber.

Stewie turns around and faces Oswald, “Just watch my back, bunny man, or else I shall be forced to come over there and tea bag you!” The evil baby is wearing a leather jacket for protective gear, as well as a pair of jeans and a football helmet. It’s some pretty shoddy safety gear; he isn’t even wearing any gloves.

Like the coming of the tides, Geoff inevitably gives the countdown on the stopwatch. “Stewie, in 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . RELEASE THE ZOMBIES!!!”

“It’s about fucking time,” Stewie shouts with a throaty lust for battle. As a small army of shambling corpses is unleashed, this baby is ready for battle.

Not waiting for his foes, Stewie runs forward and cuts the first one across the legs. The ghoul falls to the ground, where its rotting hands try to grab for the baby. However Stewie stomps on the ghoul’s head and then finishes it off with the butt of the scythe.

With a slice and a dice, a dozen and then half dozen zombies fall to the ground with their heads missing.

Back with the experts, Max recoils in horror as a severed zombie head lands on his computer platform. The expert flies backwards and falls out of his chair as the disembodied head snaps and groans. Luckily, Oswald blasts the thing like a ripe melon

Oswald grins and looks pleased with himself before realizing that computer expert Robert Daly is covered with gnawing zombie heads that are ripping his flesh. And despite the shredding of fat flesh by necrotic teeth and the blood, so much blood; Robert doesn’t even seem to notice. He just keeps on typing.

So Oswald takes his shotgun ear and pops it back into place. He then pops off his rabbit’s tail and twists it until it turns into a Billy club. Then he goes to smack the zombie heads off of Robert.

Meanwhile in Arkham Asylum

Now that Deadliest Warrior has been cancelled his to-murder list is twice as long 

The guards stand ever vigilant in Arkham Asylum, despite the fact that a supervillain escapes every other week. Now this dangerous, dank and totally inadequate facility is housing Robert “Mack” Machowitz. Though Mack’s guards are wearing heavy duty ear protection.

For the last six months, the lights in Mack’s cell have burned out. So to light his cramped and dirty cell, Mack’s taking to lighting it with a series of continuous explosions. Currently he’s reading War and Peace by the light of a big box of firecrackers and flash bang grenades.

While turning the page, Mack licks his thumb and pulls the pin out of another flash bang while lighting up another chain of Chinese firecrackers. The room is smoky and the giant flashes of light in his cell can be seen across Gotham City.

Mack has virtually no hearing left, due to the fact that he’s had flash bang grenades and fireworks going off less than three feet from his ear. Actually, it’s a miracle that he’s even alive. Though he still spends all of his time working on ways to break out and finally kill Max.

Back on track

Stewie charges at the last zombie and slices it from hip to shoulder. “Ah! Who sent me these babies to fight!” he cries as he rips off his football helmet.

Stewie then turns to the camera and smiles. “Well you can watch the unlucky rabbit, but I’d say this weapons test is a forgone conclusion.”

Jumping onto a table, Stewie hoists up his scythe in a victory stance. “There can be only one!” But as he pumps his arm into the air, the scythe hits one of the lights on the ceiling and Stewie is showered in broken glass and sparks.

Some of those sparks light his sleeve on fire and so Stewie yelps and starts to roll on the ground. Hurriedly, Geoff runs up to Stewie and starts spraying him with a garden hose.

The flames are quickly put out, though Geoff doesn’t let up with the damn hose. Stewie is soon sputtering and shouting for Geoff to shut the fucking water down. Donald duck laughs in that quacking voice as this goes on.

After a quick commercial break, we’re back on track

Commercial break

Commercial announcer: Coming soon to a theater near you! The Tournament of Mortals

The camera shows thirty one different fighters standing in a big group shot, who include some of the mightiest characters in fiction. Avatar Aang smiles next to bastardly Eldrad and Alucard tries to look down Azula’s dress and Kerrigan makes out with Arthas.

A battle between thirty one fighters who could all kill superman if they wanted to!

Shows Thor fighting it out with Shadow the Hedgehog. Meanwhile, Dr. Who pokes the Hulk in the eye, three stooges style.

And exclusively on Spike TV, we’ll be interviewing not only the fighters but the rejects!

Shows a scene of Devilman fighting the camera and film crew before tackling Aizen to the ground. Sinking his sharp teeth into the Shinigami’s leg, Aizen cries out, “My leg my leeeg!”

Coming to theaters near you and Spike TV!

Announcer: And now Oswald the Rabbit tests the lethal power of the keyblade!

Like with Stewie before, Oswald is wearing some pretty haphazard safety gear; a leather jacket, a football helmet and some leather fingerless gloves.

Geoff gives the announcement, “In 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . REALEASE THE GOP!!!”

Oswald turns around and cocks an ear. What did Geoff mean?” “Don’t you mean zombies?” the bunny calls out, just as somewhere a heavy iron door opens up.

“We ran out of zombies,” Geoff explains, as something horrible and evil creeps closer.

Finally they walk into the light. “We’re going to have you fight the current crop of Republican presidential candidates.”

Suddenly, Oswald is confronted by the likes of the worst of the Republican Party. Suddenly, Oswald the Lucky Rabbit feels like his luck has run out.

“Hi, I’m Rick Perry” says the first one, as he charges at Oswald like a sprinting cheetah, “And I’m not ashamed to admit I’m an asshole.”

The original video is in the top three most disliked videos on YouTube

With a swipe of his keyblade, Oswald knocks off Rick’s arms like Mr. Potato head. With a kick he knocks back Rick Perry while dealing with Michael Bachman, who looks like second cousin to a Tyranid. “If elected, I will rewrite American history.” The keyblade knocks her back like some ghastly scarecrow.

Hypnotoad?

Newt Gingrich charges at Oswald. He’s in a particularly bad mood; he’s just seen a black man who wasn’t in jail, and he thinks that the Warhammer Universe isn’t Grimdark enough. He charges at Oswald, who strikes him in the head.

His name is actually latin for "dusgusting sack of shit"

Gingrich’s head is splattered like a ripe melon, but he doesn’t die. He just keeps on reaching and groping blindly for the rabbit.

Oswald quickly jumps up on Newt’s shoulders. He doesn’t shit down Newt’s neck; that would actually elevate the man. Instead, he takes a lawn gnome and stuffs it feet first into the bloody neck hole.

In a horrifying display of US electoral policies, Newt’s headless body mindlessly runs around with a ceramic garden gnome for a head.

A certain Texas governor charges at Oswald with a giant knife, however Oswald knocks his head off like a master.

Rick Santorum’s head going flying through the air like a homerun where it then lands in a food processor where Max is about to make some smoothies.

Max recoils in horror as the living, severed head lands amidst a collection of ice cubes, banana slices and whey powder. This smoothie is forever ruined.

Santorum’s severed head smiles, “I’m Rick Santorum, and I don’t care about the economy.”

Instantly upon hearing that, Max hits the maximum blend button. The host falls backwards in horror as he’s showered in banana, brain, skull and ice cube fragments.

Oswald is tired and is panting. Stewie claps for the bunny. “Bravo. I know you’re on the other team and the enemy but that was some delightful carnage.”

“What happened to Ron Paul?” Brian asks.

Speak of the devil. Without any warning at all, Rep Ron Paul teleports into the fight club; only he’s managed to also transform himself into a forty foot lizard man with eight arms.

“Free market,” says Ron Paul before starting to launch fireballs at Oswald. Courageously, the tired bunny swats and deflects the oncoming fireballs just long enough for Geoff to pull out a minigun and abort the test.

As powerful as he is, dark wizard and lizard man Ron Paul is no match for a keyblade and a mingun at the same time. He drops dead and promptly crumbles into dust.

Promptly, Oswald starts to hell and argue with Geoff and the guys.

Announcer: Later on, Oswald would successfully sue the show for lack of safety concerns. Oh well, I still get paid no matter what those assholes do. But coming up, Mickey's experts test his most powerful weapon!

As Donald Duck prepares the paintbrush, Stewie is conspiring with Brian. “Brian, I’m going to create a flashback.” The baby announces in a most evil fashion.

“A random flashback?” Brian asks.

Stewie giggles with sinister delight. “Not at all, I’m going to generate a very specific flashback about his war days.”

Brian isn’t so sure, he wants to win but he has to draw the line somewhere; lord knows that Stewie won’t. “Uh Stewie, don’t you think we ought to lay off about his war experiences. I don’t like the guy any better than you do but I think he could go crazy.”

“Oh Brian, that’s half the fun.”

As this happens, Donald Duck has the paintbrush and quacks at Brian and Stewie. “What are you idiots up to?”

This causes Max to laugh a bit at Donald’s speech, but a mean look from the military uniform clad duck quickly shuts him up.

Stewie however springs into action. “Hey Donald, remember when you were in Vietnam?” And then the horrible, horrible flashback happens

Donald Duck screams at his loudest as the Viet Cong tie him to a giant rotisserie in the middle of the jungle. The men ignore the duck’s screams as they strip him naked and try to start the fire.

As Donald struggles, his bindings start to loosen a bit.

The leader of the Viet Cong stops the men and quickly starts to pluck Donald, which caused the Duck to scream in agony.

But in a burst of super-duck strength, Donald breaks free of his bindings and grabs the knife they were going to butcher him with and goes to town on the Vietnamese resistance fighters.

In the real world, Donald goes ballistic. He sputters, coughs and starts rambling. “Breaker, alpha tango, Charlie is all around, Charlie is all around. The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy space marine!! 12393928094938???????????”

Eventually it becomes too much for the subtitles and a line of question marks form.

“Fucking run!” shouts Brian, and the three hosts run with him.

At this point, Stewie whips out his laser gun and aims it at the Duck. “You, poultry, let’s go!” he taunts.

In response, Donald does more screaming and pulls out an M-60 heavy machinegun. “ack-ack-ack!!!%(^*^(*%)<<<<<<<<” Donald screams before exchanging fire with Stewie.

Laser bolts and machine gun rounds fly all across the shop. Oswald casually shuffles towards the two duelling maniacs; he’s protected by a picture of Jesus Christ taped to his face. Because no one would shoot Jesus except for radical Christians from Norway.

As Donald and Stewie cause thousands of dollars of property damage, Stewart shouts, “Victory is mine! Damn!!! It’s been too long since I said that!”

And before they can kill each other, Oswald the Lucky Rabbit karate chops Donald on the back of the neck before pulling off his tail, which turns into a black brick. He takes the brick and throws it at Stewie, who catches it right between the eyes and goes down.

Oswald then turns to the camera. He removes the picture of Jesus taped to his face. “I know you guys were cancelled, but I really hope you come back on history channel.”

Announcer: Well, after that colossal goat-fuck everything is back to normal

Donald Duck is quaking uncontrollably while wrapped in a blanket. An attractive looking intern is comforting him.

Meanwhile, Stewie has an icepack being held to his head while he sits down. “Brian,” he says groggily, “I want you to take me to the hospital.”

“Why?” asks Brian. After that fireworks show with Donald Duck he’s not eager to help Stewie.

Stewie must be injured because he missed the sarcasm. “Because I’m bleeding badly and slightly concussed. I don’t feel so good.”

Announcer: And so Oswald will test the Magic paintbrush

Oswald hops around like the bunny he is. He’s a hell of a lot more lively now that the shooting has stopped. “This here is the paintbrush!” he says, “It’s a hog bristle brush, very good for oil painting and using turpentine with. In Epic Mickey, my brother Mickey was able to use this to both create and destroy.”

The camera switches angles as Oswald stops hopping. “With the turpentine power, he could erase enemies and destroy objects. With the pain mode, he could create a way around things and turn enemies good.”

Oswald starts to spin around the brush in an arc like a baton. “In short, this is the single most powerful weapon that a toon could wield.”

Stewie and Brian are not impressed by the magic paintbrush. “Well,” Stewie drawls in his British accent, “I suppose you could poke the fat man in the eye with it. Or paint yourself a white flag to surrender.”

Brian may not be impressed but the duel with Stewie and Donald left his desire to piss off the other team on hold for the time being.

Announcer: For this weapon, Oswald is being placed in an obstacle course where he will be forced to either create or destroy a way through his the various powers of the magic paintbrush.

And so Oswald stands with the paintbrush, ready for danger. In front of him are a set of tires on the ground and beyond that is a wooden bridge into the rest of the obstacle course.

Master Geoff gives the countdown, “Oswald, run like Peter Rabbit in 3 . . . 2 . . . 1. . . DISNEY!!!”

Oswald hops forward with incredible speed, using the turpentine function of the brush to erase the tires from existence so that they don’t interrupt his progress.

The obstacle course moves forward and there’s a rickety wooden bridge over a chasm. As Oswald runs over the bridge, the creaky ropes break in half and the entire thing snaps in two. Luckily for the rabbit, a blast of paint creates a Mario style platform that rises up and takes Oswald to the other side of the cliff.

There he continues to hop along his merry way until he reaches an abandoned building. Rather than use the turpentine to demolish it, Oswald gives it a new coat of paint and the building is as good as new. Opening the polished front door, Oswald runs in and then goes out the back where he’s now wearing a Warner Bros t-shirt and ball cap.

Oswald continues to hop until he hits a grassy field. Then from underground a series of machinegun turrets pop up and start shooting at Oswald.

The lucky rabbit throws up a steel wall using the paint function. He then uses the turpentine to erase the two machinegun turrets from existence.

Oswald grins, pleased with himself, until out of nowhere, a Protoss Colossus thunders onto the scene. The hundred and fifty foot tall alien war machine walks forward on four stilted legs; looking for all the world like one of WG Well’s Martian fighting machines.

A Colossus is quite formidable; just one of them killed a thousand marines in power armor without breaking a sweat.

Mickey’s brother however has his own plan for dealing with a bastard like this. Putting the paintbrush in his pocket, Oswald blows on his right thumb like a nozzle; causing his fist to grow to double the size of his body. He repeats this with his left hand until he’s got two spiked fists the size of a small motorcycle each.

Oswald grins, as he turns towards the camera, we see that on each of his hands is written a word; “fear” on his left hand and “pain” on his right hand.

As he jumps forward there’s a great deal of crashing and smashing until a hailstorm of Colossus machine parts comes raining down in the form of so much battered metal.

Upon seeing Oswald tear down a Colossus with his own toon powers, Max is unsure of Peter’s ability to win. The computer nerd turns to Brian, “So, what have you got that can counter that?”

The alcoholic dog chuckles, “Well I’m sure I’ve got something.”

The next scene takes place in in a boxing ring where a pig carcass, a brick wall, a gel torso and a foam dummy are all set up.

Brian stands in the middle of the ring while the three guys stand by the ropes and watch. Donald Duck seems to have recovered from now from PTSD and Stewie, though wearing a big bandage on his skull is looking much better. Looks like that brain swelling has gone down.

Brian stands in the center of the ring with a bottle of pills. Before the test can commence, he gives a warning. “Okay guys, I may get some serious ‘roid rage so I advise you all to stay well back.

Stewie seems enthusiastic about it. “Well, here’s hoping for some property destruction.”

Donald quacks along in agreement; the animosity between them seems temporarily faded.

Brian takes a deep breath, as he’s honestly afraid of what’s going to happen when he takes the pills.

Everyone watches with baited breath as Brian opens the cap and pops a pill . . . then he swallows the entire bottle. The white anthro-dog then swallows the whole thing like a beer.

In less than thirty seconds, Brian roars like the incredible Hulk before leaning forward and flexing. As if by magic (cue Mr. Bean snort) Brian suddenly grows a highly unrealistic set of muscles. The white down now resembles one of the heavily muscled characters of Dragonball Z.

Moving forward like a god of destruction, Brian punches out the brick wall, causing shattered piece of brick and mortar to fly out everywhere.

With a left cross he throws a punch that utterly causes the pig carcass to burst into about a hundred gory pieces. Pig chunks fly everywhere and splat all over the wall.

He then stomps over to the gel torso and repeats the results. The thing explodes like it’s been hit by a semi-truck.

A single punch from Brian turns the foam dummy into a cloud of dust and fake blood splatters everywhere.

Still in the grip of roid rage, Brian runs to the edge of the ring where Goofy is standing, munching on a bag of chips. Swearing like a sailor, Brian punches Goofy right in the mouth, knocking out all his teeth and sending him flying through a wall.

Announcer: Though as devastating as the steroids are, it’s no match for Mickey’s paintbrush.

Geoff and the guys appear discussing it. “Poor Goofy,” says Max, “he’ll be in the hospital for weeks.”

“That’s true, but it’s nothing compared to Mickey’s brush. It can change the whole environment and it could potentially erase peter.”

“It’s a no brianer,” says Armand.

Edge: Mickey Mouse.

The three hosts and the two teams of experts stand around the computer. Oswald is eating a granola bar and he’s getting crumbs on Max, who shoes the rabbit away.

Cracking his fingers, Max says, “Let’s do it.” And he hits the enter key

Simulation:

Hollywood, abandoned district

In an old industrial district of Los Angeles that’s been abandoned since the thirties, an expensive white Aston Martin stops. The car doors open and out come a party of men. Among them are Roy Disney, Ted Turner and worst of all, notorious cartoonist and crime boss Walt Disney.

A fourth figure is with them; this figure is barely three feet tall and is obscured by a hood or robe of some kind. The diminutive figure stays close to Walt, like a dog heeling to hits master.

Walt and his gang start to make their way into the burnt out shell of a warehouse. “Ted, stay with the car,” Walt orders his underling.

Walt, Roy and the third figure head deeper into the dark hallways and corridors of the warehouse. The place is surprisingly free of vagrants and other social detritus; unsurprising given who has taken control of this warehouse for the weekend.

Walt and the gang pass under row after row of flickering and often broken lights. Walt walks down the hallway. In his smart suit and dapper mustache he looks almost exactly like Andrew Ryan; another psycho capitalist with megalomaniacal tendencies.

After a long walk in the darkness, Walt and company are greeted by none other than the king of the frat boys, lord of random flashbacks, master of fart Jokes and a serial killer who murders brown haired women named Meg; none other than Seth McFarlane.

“Hey guys,” says the jolly and cheerful McFarlane, “How’s it hanging? How’s Pixar saving your ass, Walt?”

Walt however has no time for pleasantries, “Where the money.”

Seth laughs a bit, some of the warmth and friendliness leaving his eyes, “Ah, the money comes after.”

“After what?” Walt demands.

“Come with me,” Seth instructs, and soon the two evil animators head off to the main source of action.

It’s a dingy and makeshift arena. A bar with watered down liquor has been set up and wealthy patrons of the scummy L. A. community are gathered here for a bit of blood sport.

In a depressed central pit, janitors are wiping up the blood from the corpse of a bald yellow skinned man.

Standing over said yellow corpse is a giant fat man wearing a gimp mask and bondage shirt. The leather and chains he’s wearing do little to hide his corpulent body and his gimp mask can barely muffle that aggravating laugh of his.

“After you beat him,” says Seth, “Our current champion; undefeated in twenty-five bouts.”

Walt looks down at Peter Griffin, totally unimpressed.

“Care for a pizza? Or a snack?” Seth makes like the good host but Walt doesn’t have any of it.

“We won’t be here that long,” Walt smirks before gesturing to the diminutive figure in a robe. “Mickey, come.”

Mickey mouse trots over to Walt, where Roy Disney takes the hood off him. Mickey’s eyes are cold and soulless and there’s a metal collar around his neck. His expression is vacant.

Kneeling down to his servant, Walt presses a finger to the snap release of the collar. He looks Mickey in the eyes; his expression is unforgiving and merciless. Walt loves violence and he’s about to get his fill tonight. “Get him,” he orders his attack mouse before removing the collar.

With a snap, the collar around Mickey’s neck comes off. Instantly, the Mouse’s eyes come to life. A bestial fury comes across mickey’s normally placid features. In this very moment, he’s not a mouse; he’s a pit-bull ready to kill.

Walt smiles at Mickey’s killer expression. “Go get him, boy.”

And with that, Mickey slowly walks down to the center of the pit, where the janitors have finally cleaned up the mess from the last fight.

There, the massive figure of Peter Griffin towers over the short and shabby character of Mickey.

Already the crowd is baying for blood, like a pack of dogs eager for the kill. The betting has started and already Seth stands to make a killing with his bookies.

Everyone is chanting, tempers are up and blood is flowing with adrenaline. Walt just leans against the metal safety rail causally, Mickey’s collar in his hand.

In the fight pit, Peter is bellowing like a bull and waving his arms to try and intimidate his foe. Mickey simply looks up at Peter with hate filled eyes; like an ideal Jedi—or Sith rather—he’s living entirely for the moment.

In a display of inhuman endurance, Peter grabs a couple of bricks off the ground and smashes them over his head. The bricks fly apart as they break on Peter’s thick skull.

At last, everything teeters over the breaking point as Walt Disney cries out, “Rip his ass off!”

Like a giant behemoth, Peter lifts his heavy booted foot and tried to crush mickey with it. However in an amazing display of athletic and martial arts prowess, not only does Mickey evade the stomp meant to crush him, but he launches a crippling kick at Peter’s knee.

Peter’s eyes bulge as his knee pops and he falls to the ground.

Not letting up for even a second, Mickey starts to pummel Peter who is now at eye level with him.

Mickey’s fists of fury strike like lightning. Peter’s head bobs back and forth like a bag full of warm jello as Mickey rearranges hid face under the gimp mask.

After about five seconds of machine-gun fast punches, there’s blood flowing under Peter’s mask and he collapses onto his back and doesn’t move.

The crowd gasps as the current champion is apparently beaten in under thirty seconds.

Seth McFarlane’s eyes are now bulging in shock and he looks to Walt, to Mickey and back again as if he can’t believe his eyes.

Walt just gives Seth a sardonic smirk. We all know who’s the better animator. Slick old Uncle Walt just waves Mickey’s collar in his hand and enjoys the victory.

BUT THE GAME’S NOT OVER YET!

Without any warning, Peter sits back up again and picks up Mickey over his head. Roaring like an angry wild boar, he throws Mickey at the walls of the pit, which are covered with barb wire for lack of safety reasons.

However with his catlike reflexes, Mickey plants his hands between the barbed wire and propels himself safely to the ground.

Now with some breathing room and the realization that this won’t be a cakewalk, Peter roars and gets ready for round two. Grabbing his knee, he forces his dislocated joint to pop back into place.

Peter’s eyes bulge as he forces his dislocated kneecap back to its rightful place and though it hurts like hell he immediately stands up on it; good as new!

Howling like a pissed off bear, Peter charges at his enemy. Likewise, Mickey goes at Peter like a spider monkey from hell.

Peter brings down a boot to smash at Mickey, but draws back to avoid another knee shot.

Mickey jumps up in the air over Peter, hammering the fat man with punches as the magic Mouse arcs over him. This is to no avail as Peter’s thick blubber shields his vital organs from taking damage.

Mickey though has made a tactical mistake. Now he’s standing behind Peter.

Fart time!

Dropping his pants, Peter shows his fat, saggy ass and promptly shoots fire out of his anus at Mickey.

A twenty foot jet of flaming methane and some sweet corn fly at Mickey. This guy leaves skid marks in his underpants as wide as two-lane highways.

Mickey however is ever the nimble one and cunningly dodges the blast of assfire.

Peter pulls up his pants and charges at Mickey again.

Up in the audience, the crowd is going wild as the agile mouse tries to find a hole in the impressive defenses of the fat, mentally retarded father. It’s a battle of toon on toon and only one will survive.

Mickey jumps in the air, trying to get in a position where he can crush Peter’s windpipe with a punch. Meanwhile, Peter is blocking remarkably effectively for a great lummox. He’s like a bear swatting at salmon as he bats Mickey away from him like a deadly housefly.

It’s like an aerial dogfight, where a fighter is harassing a bomber. The only question is whether the bomber’s turret guns and thicker armor will be able to defeat the faster but less armed fighter.

“Do you mind if I spice up the format?” Seth asks Walt, shaking him out of his concentration.

Walt nods, suddenly suspicious of Seth, “It’s your show.” Unconsciously, Walt’s hand goes to the gun in his pocket.

At this, Seth points to some key men and on cue, Stan Smith from American dad, Glenn Quagmire, Cleveland Brown and Bart Simpson.

Mickey is still fighting off Peter when Bart flies at him and clobbers Mickey over the head with his skateboard.

Reeling from the blow, Mickey is suddenly accosted by Stan Smith who is tossing at him highly sophisticated CIA killing moves. Stan however can’t touch a hair on Mickey.

Things however only get harder for Mickey as Quagmire lunges at him with a sharpened spoon.

Quagmire’s run however is short lived as Peter grabs him and breaks him over his knee like a piece of dry kindling. If anybody’s going to kill Mickey it’s going to be him. He leaves the broken and dead Quagmire to go and fight Mickey.

Despite being hit over the head by a skateboard and fighting a delinquent Simpson boy, an overweight and uninteresting African-American man and a CIA agent, Mickey is holding his own against the competition.

Mickey delivers a kick upside Cleveland’s head, throwing him off balance. At the same time, Mickey gives Stan an eye poke that bloodily gouges out his left eye. Screaming in pain, Stan trips over Bart’s skateboard and bonks his head on the concrete floor.

Mickey then takes Stan’s bloody eyeball and throws it at Bart, whose skateboard wheels jam under the eye and throw him off.

Mickey barely evades a fist from Peter, which strikes the concrete floor with just enough force to crack the concrete.

Peter grabs Mickey and tries to crush his ribcage like dry noodles.

Mickey feels the pressure under his ribs, but Walt’s brainwashed him to be a one mouse killing machine. Mickey’s an attack dog, he’s been trained to rip out spines, stomp skull, destroy small joints and damage vital nerves and blood vessels.

Grabbing Peter’s thumb, Mickey twists it as hard as he can; twisting it as an unnatural angle.

Peter gives a walrus bellow of shock as Mickey slips out of his hands like a bar of soap.

Suddenly, the Mouse is crawling all over Peter like a cockroach; striking at all of Peter’s vital points. Here Peter’s girth works against him as he can’t reach Mickey when he’s on his back.

Mickey hits a major nerve cluster in Peter’s shoulder that totally and utterly paralyzes his right arm.

Sensing that he’s on the ropes, Peter backs up, trampling over Bart and Stan both.

Up in the stands, Walt is starting to sweat even though it’s quite cool in the pit. He isn’t about to let this upstart twat Seth rig the game. He personally bet money on Mickey.

“Weapons!” Walt shouts, and grabs a keyblade from a wall cabinet and tosses a keyblade down into the pit.

All of the guests jump on this and start reaching for battle axes, broad swords, katanas and even the scythe of death.

Seth is suddenly now the one sweating, as he only stands to make a killing if Peter wins. He gives Walt a hate filled glare but Walt only smirks back at him from under his mustache.

Jumping off of Peter’s back, Mickey lunges for the keyblade but Stan Smith grabs it first. Though unskilled with a sword, Stan swings at Mickey with lethal force.

From behind Mickey, he takes a painful blow from an animated broom. Bart’s got the sorcerer’s hat and he’s summoning an army of brooms.

With a quick karate move, Mickey snaps the broom in half and rushes to find himself a good weapon.

Out of the corner of his eye, Mickey sees Cleveland aim a Schofield revolver at him.

Cleveland puts a bead on Mickey’s head and fires, but the mouse closes the gap in a blur, kicking Cleveland in the stomach and disarming him of the pistol.

“No!” pleads Cleveland as Mickey crushes his Adams apple and crushes his skull with a blow the temple. Cleveland is dead.

Aiming the revolver, Mickey shoots Bart through the heart; the magician’s heart drops the ground.

Mickey fires a bullet at Stan but the CIA man deflects it with the keyblade. A second strike dashes the revolver to pieces and Mickey picks up the Scythe of death to fight with.

Stan is good but he lacks Mickey’s skills and the scythe gives Mickey superior reach.

Something has to give as Mickey stabs Stan in the foot with the Scythe. The American dad screams in pan and drops the keyblade.

Before Mickey can finish him off, a giant chunk of concrete flies at him, narrowly missing hitting Seth McFarlane.

Peter now has a Hulk like body of solid muscle from the steroids that Seth slipped him from before the fight.

Stan looks in horror as Peter charges at him. He looks up into the audience to see his wife Francine, who is screaming at him, “Die Stan! Burn in hell!” because honestly, she’s taken too much shit from him over the years.

Francine squeals in glee as steroid-Peter grabs Stan and rips him in half. Entrails and blood fly everywhere; oh it’s so beautiful.

Now it’s only Peter and Mickey. Mickey is snarling like a rabid dog, but it’s not the least bit comical.

Grabbing both the Magician’s hat and the keyblade, Mickey charges at Peter.

The army of anthro-brooms that pop do nothing to stop Peter; he tramples them like so much matchwood. But out of the blue, a bolt of lightning zaps Peter; lighting up his skeleton like a Christmas tree. A gust of wind makes him cold and rain created by Mickey’s magician’s hat causes Peter to slip and lose his footing.

Alarmed and truly afraid for the first time, Peter reaches for a minigun on the ground.

A hail of bullets fly but Mickey is nowhere to be seen; the flying bullets create a cloud of concrete dust and the crowd goes wild. This is the best fight they’ve ever seen at Seth McFarlane’s Deathmatch Cavalcade.

The gun stops its whining of death however as Mickey strikes unseen and bludgeons it with his keyblade. The minigun flies apart and Peter bellows like a bull; finally given to panic. In his steroid rage frantically rips up the ground and starts throwing it everywhere; desperately trying to stop the stinging fly.

Suddenly, Peter tries to step but meets only empty air. He falls some twenty feet and then—

Schick! The sound of metal piercing flesh.

The crowd gasps, as concrete dust still obscures the sight. Who’s won? What’s happened? How did it happen?

Walt just smiles and checks his watch. The whole fight lasted all of . . . six minutes. Not bad for a day’s work.

Seth McFarlane now had a look of dread on his face. Things did not at all go according to play.

As the dust settle, everyone sees Mickey with the magic paintbrush in his hand. He’s standing there, like an angry attack dog without a victim.

As the air clears, everyone can see the giant spike pit that Mickey used the paintbrush to create.

Peter’s now lifeless corpse is impaled on the spikes, blood flowing freely down the iron impalement pikes.

“I believe I’ll have my money now,” Walt tells Seth jovially, while Seth is still in shock at his champion losing.

“Mickey, come,” Walt whistles.

Mickey comes to his master and with a click, the collar is back on. The violence that so totally consumed him before is now gone. He’s just a placid slave of Walt Disney now. Walt feeds Mickey a small piece of cheese and his brother Roy puts the robe back on him. It’s been a very good day.

As Walt and company are walking out again from the fight arena, Seth stops to give Walt his hard earned cash. Disney takes the large envelope of money without as much as a thank you.

By now Seth has regained his composure and he’s all smiles and sunshine now. “I hope you’ll be able to come back again. Next time for sure I’ll be betting on your mouse.”

Walt smirks, “Good, if you keep paying we’ll be back.”

“Though I gotta say,” Seth asks, “How did you do it? I mean, how did you turn a mouse into a dog?”

For the first time, Walt truly smiles; and it’s not pretty. “Like my sainted mother used to say; get em young enough,” he looks down at Mickey with evil in his eyes, “and the possibilities are endless.”

“I think he Jesuits said that,” says Seth. “Nice trick with the collar though.”

“And they got it from my mother,” Walt explains,  

And soon they’re gone; and the dark voice has another toy to play with until it breaks.

Meanwhile in Manhattan

Dana Mercer, sister of Alex was almost fully recovered; and while her sociopathic brother attempted to spread the infection she spent her days recuperating in a full scale recreation of Notre Dame Cathedral from Paris.

Apparently upon gaining control of the swarm, Alex wanted to live in style so a gigantic recreation of a French Cathedral was what he had in mind.

Though when the Zerg invaded the planet last fall, Alex was at first glad because he thought the roofers were here to fix the leak; little did he know.

The prototype ended up fighting the Queen of blades, only to lose; and boy was he pissed off about it.

Dana heard footsteps, and saw Alex walking towards her with what looked like a bucket of ice-cream.

“I have my weapon now to defeat the Zerg Swarm, and by extension, that bitch Kerrigan.”

Dana was confused, “You’re going to hit her with a bucket of rocky road?”

“Of course not,” snapped Alex. He held up the plastic bucket so that it hit the light. All around them the gargoyles seemed to be watching Dana; and for some reason it looked like there was a severed head in the bucket instead of ice-cream.

“For a hundred years, GENTEK kept Hitler’s head on ice and now I’m going to revive him and forge him as the first soldier in what will be my unstoppable army.”

Dana just looked at her brother in shock. There was no way he could be serious. He had to be on drugs; since she’d known for years that he was an avid meth cook and smoker. “Why?” that was the question.

“Why would you bring Hitler back, of all people?” she asked with wide eyes and disbelief.

Alex held up Hitler’s frozen head with a smile, “Because Hitler was a righteous man; his great nation he did unify. To beat Kerrigan, I’ll need an army without peer and he’ll be my loyal general.”

Well that concluded it. Dana had suspected it but her virus infected brother had gone completely and utterly insane.

“Now,” said Alex in his most evil grin, “I’m about to go practice medicine.”

His grip on sanity is slipping

MICKEY MOUSE WINS!!!!!!

Final Tally:

Mickey Mouse-674 kills

Schofield revolver-13 kills

Magician’s hat-49 kills

Keyblade-112 kills

Magic paintbrush-500 kills

Peter Griffin-326 kills

Assfire-8 kills

Death’s Scythe-132 kills

Steroids-43 kills

Minigun-143 kills

“Well just to iterate, weapons like assfire and the revolver were important but they weren’t really that big in the grand scheme of things,” Geoff explains.

Max is up next, “The really game changer was the magic paintbrush; which as far as I’m concerned was an overpowered kill all ticket. It was the kiss of death to Peter.”

“Another thing against Peter was his lack of intelligence and cardio problems,” explains Armand, “he just had no endurance.”

Stewie now appears before the camera. “Am I sad that Peter was killed?” He starts to burst out laughing, “I think you’ve got me pegged wrong if you do.”

Brian is less jolly about it. “It sucks that Peter died, but this is Spike TV. If you want historical accuracy go to the History channel.” And he’s gone.

Donald puts his hands on his knees. “I knew Mickey would win,” he quacks, “He’s too smart, too fast and he’s got right on his side.” Suddenly, a studio lamp lands on Donald’s head. Up in the rafters, Stewie has a good laugh at Donald throws a major fit, throwing aside the broken lamp like a leaf.

Meanwhile, David Baker the weapons maker is talking to Oswald. “So you’re getting married.”

“That’s right,” says Oswald, “Me and Bugs Bunny are getting married this September.”

David Baker mulls over this news for a second. “Well, not only is that a same sex marriage but it’s a Warner bros-Disney marriage; it’ll be worse than the Montagues and the Capulets.”

“Yeah, but it’s love; you don’t argue with love,” says Oswald, who’s looking forward to becoming Bugs Bunny’s life partner.

“Well, I’m happy for you,” explains David Baker.

Suddenly, the two of them turn to see Robert Daly, who’s sitting in his damn chair typing. Suddenly, sparks start to fly from Robert’s ears, first only a little and then a lot.

Then smoke starts to pour out of his nostrils and his head bursts into flame. Quickly, Robert’s face melts, revealing the soulless robot underneath.

And that’s all! School is over and I’ll have much more time to write and play :D YES!

And next time on Master of the Boot’s Deadliest Warrior, Science-fiction’s greatest rednecks go toe to toe with Science-fiction’s greatest freak shows.

I’m talking about Raynor’s Raiders vs Mental’s Horde. It’s a fight of power armor vs headless kamikazes, armored machines versus endless swarms, rusty Terran firepower vs alien techno-magic and much more!

I’m the Master of the Boot and I hope you enjoyed

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