Tournament of Mortals: Alucard vs Alex Mercer

The Tournament of Mortals: Alucard vs. Alex Mercer

VS

Author's note: This was done for my Facebook group, DW: Fictional Warfare :) This is the more intense, unrated version. 

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Alexander Mercer stood across from Doctor Ragland in what apparently was almost an exact replica of his old laboratory from the days when he was Blackwatch’s top virus maker. Alex couldn’t be sure if this was the real Dr. Ragland or if it was a recreation. Either way it was irrelevant. “I need weapons that can kill a vampire,” he told the Doctor.

Doctor Ragland’s eyebrows rose. “Are you serious? As incredible as I find the circumstances I’m just afraid that I’m not as open minded as I once thought I was.” The doctor just shrugged and inquired, “What type of vampire are we supposed to be killing? Vampires appear in all cultures and with many traits, powers and weaknesses.”

Alex responded coldly, his pale skin and hoodie only making him look like a guy who abducts children from the playground. “We’re defeating a Bram Stoker type vampire. To do that we need silver, garlic, stakes, crosses and sunlight.”

Ragland thought about it. “We can get garlic. It was used in some minor experiments regarding antibiotics at GENTEK. If you want stakes we can carve one of the chairs but I don’t think we have any silver around.”

Alex shook his head. “Get to work distilling Garlic into an easily injectable liquid form and bring me some live plant samples. I’ll get to work producing silver by decomposing substances such as silver aizide, silver nitrate and more.”

Turning around, Alex opened the door behind him, leaving Ragland with his instructions. Inside the room was a fully equipped Blackwatch armory. Though Alex favored his own innate powers, he knew and appreciated the destructive power of manmade weapons.

There were so many unanswered questions. Would the vampire be harmed by silver alone or by silver compounds as well? Would it be possible to have Ragland “bless” the silver, since he was human and nominally Lutheran?

Alex pushed those questions to the back of his mind and grabbed a heavy machinegun. He smiled coldly. It’s vampire killing time.

Unlike Alex, whose research area was coldly technological and impersonal, Alucard found himself in a fully refurbished and repaired Hellsing manor, complete with books about his enemies in the library and the old weapons workshop that held a great surprise.

“Ah Walter,” said Alucard cheerfully to the former butler of Hellsing, “It’s good to see you again after you screwed me and pissed on everything you stand for.”

Walter pretended to ignore what Alucard was saying, “Nice to see you too Alucard.”

Before Alucard could give Walter a right fucking kicking, his master, Sir Integra showed up. “Alucard, though it pains me to work with him, this traitor has had his free will removed by the Portal Master.” said the butch woman with a cigar.

Alucard grinned. “Fitting fate for a dog.”

“Alucard,” reprimands Integra. “We have a battle to win. We can punish traitors in our own realm. For now, Walter is one of our best assets.”

Alucard growls a bit but otherwise holds his tongue. He normally keeps it together in front of Integra, only going apeshit on the battlefield.

Alucard then turns to Walter, “Well dog, for a start, you can find me better ammo for my gun. Last I looked, that failed science experiment isn’t vulnerable to silver.” Alucard’s eyes start to turn manic as he thought of his upcoming fight. “I want incendiary rounds, fragmentation bullets and armor piercing ammo.”

Walter bows again, “As you wish, Alucard.”

With Walter gone to prepare ammo for Alucard, Integra confronts him. “Do you have a plan to take down this Alex Mercer?”

Alucard smirks. “I plan to kill him,” he flutters his surprisingly long lashes, “The details are top secret.”

Integra frowns, “That’s not good enough, Alucard. You will need a plan if Hellsing is to win the Tournament of Mortals.”

Alucard smiled, “Well Master, if that is your wish then perhaps could you give me that one little order that I do so love to hear from you?”

“Search and destroy,” is her order.

Alucard grins ear to ear. “Yes,” he practically drools with anticipations, “It’s time for me to get to work killing everything that moves.”

Grinning, the powerful vampire starts to storm towards the library, “come, Master, I think I saw a chalk board somewhere around here. With chalk, we will write down our plans!”

Alucard sat down in the little cafeteria that serviced the mortals in the tournament. While that fool mercer poured over a laptop, Alucard was enjoying himself while Walter got hard at work making him a better gun.

Like Alex, Alucard was sitting alone. Ever since the first day, nobody wanted to talk to him and that was fine with him. He hated these pricks anyway. As he gulped down what must have been his tenth bag of medical blood, he eyed up the little Asian bitch that torched that guy with the laser sword.

Alucard could never remember her name but he loved a powerful woman. Neither Seras nor that beast Integra were putting out so he had to get it any place he could. And he didn’t want to become so desperate that he’d fuck Walter; he did have some standards.

So with that, he walked up and strolled over to Azula.

“Hello,” he said in his most seductive voice, “I couldn’t help but notice how you burned that guy alive yesterday.”

Azula put down her (inferior) bit of food that she’d been eating and gave Alucard her best ego cutter. “I’m sorry; I make a point of not talking to dickless men.”

Alucard however was a lot more arrogant than anybody else Azula had met. “Just so you know,” he purred, “Every last inch of me’s covered with hair.” And on cue, he ripped open his shirt to reveal a buff, muscular chest that was covered with thick, curly black hair.

The guy looked like he was half werewolf; he had the manners of one anyhow.

Azula was . . . simply staggered. There was no way this guy could be real. “Honestly, I’d call you a piece of shit but that would only elevate you.” Her disgust miraculously started to increase towards him when his pecs started to jump up and down. If not for the Portal Master's protective spells she'd have already vaporized this annoying . . . asshole was too kind a word.
A few tables over, Spawn, Dumbledore and Aang were all sitting for lunch and generally being lively. "So you're  a wizard, and you're some kind of martial arts master?" Spawn asked hesitantly. 
"I'm the Avatar," supplied Aang, "I control all four elements and just generally get into shenanigans."
"Indeed," said Dumbledore, "Though rough waters lie ahead for all of us, Mr. Spawn. If you proceed to beat the Ghost rider, you may be forced to face this Aizen character."
"Worry about yourself," said Spawn, who though understood the old man was benevolent; had to be on his killing game.
"Well I'm just glad that creepy old man isn't around anymore to undress me with his eyes," Aang was referring to Palpatine.

For the love of God, don't go anywhere alone as long as Palpatine is alive!

A little further off, Mewtwo and Shadow the Hedgehog were bonding over their lack of genitals. Meanwhile, Rogue was wondering if it was a wise idea to bed that Alucard fellah. Sure he might be a sadistic scumbag, but she was a fan of the Twilight series and it might be nice to lie with a man who she didn't suck the life out of because he was undead. 

Picking up on Rogue's train of thought, Sarah Kerrigan decided that she too wanted to score with Alucard. She called out to the tall vampire in red. “Little leech man, do you think you’re man enough to handle this?” Sarah turned around where she sat, her bone wings knocking over the drinks of Doctor Who and Eldrad (but Eldrad had foreseen this.)

Spreading her legs open, Sarah’s vagina opened up to reveal razor sharp teeth and a forked tongue.

It was then that Jackie Estacado nearly lost his lunch and a very large chunk of his heterosexuality. The only women around here were crazy as shit, aliens, or sucked the life out of men with a touch. And for some reaosn he couldn't create women out of darkness anymore. If this tournament lasted too long he might be forced to use the left hand in order to keep from going fully gay and doing the horizontal mambo with the Doctor. 

This guy is going to be locked in a tournament with mostly men, psycho or mutant women and no playboy channel. 

Alucard however felt differently, “Jackpot,” he grinned. For only he was nutty enough to stick his piece in the vagina detnata of the Queen of Blades. Plus, his hairy chest made her think of Jim Raynor.

The Doctor sat next to Eldrad and was beaming like a child, “Well this is interesting, yes?”

Eldrad forsees that Jackie Estacado will get completely turned around before this is over

“No,” said Eldrad, “And your bowtie is ugly.”

Alex however paid no attention to any of this, which is why when he got up from his untouched meal he bumped into raven. One look at the emo, hood wearing girl and he fell.

Raven however could only stare awkwardly as Alex eyed her like she was something to eat. She wasn’t comfortable with anything about him; that he was a living virus, that he was a terrorist, killer and monster and she was most uncomfortable with the fact that he dressed like a pedophile.
Her first impression of Alex was worsened when he said to her in a creepy voice, "I want to do you."
"I'm going that way," said Raven, completely turning around. 

Alex and Alucard looked across at each other, with the portal Master acting as referee. The Portal Master looked at both men. Alex held a neutral expression, while Alucard had a playful smile which was meant to look utterly friendly. He hadn’t a care in the world.

“This is a fight to the finish,” said the red skinned being, “Penalties will be docked for the death of the opponent and the winner receives benefits from the loser. I know you boys won’t break the rules, there are none.”

Alucard smiled, just a little bit wider.

Alex Mercer walked through the streets of this . . . town. From what he could figure, this was some kind of recreation of a Middle American town as might be seen in the mind of a foreigner who’d never been to America. It looked quaint, homely and utterly destructible; the perfect arena for the Tournament of Mortals or the Twisted Metal Competition.

Yet this wasn’t like any town in America that Alex knew of. In the sky, providing light instead of the sun was the face of Jack Nicholson. Up there in the sky, Jack Nicholson gave his trademark Cheshire grin as he gazed down. Frankly it creeped out Alex a bit.

Imagine this in the sky instead of the sun

There were other things about this town that didn’t sit right with Alex. Like there being random toilets placed at irregular intervals in the middle of the streets. He could hear thunder but no lightning. There were cars in the middle of the street, seemingly abandoned; as if some great force had removed all the occupants of the town in one swift magical move.

On every lawn there were dozens of mannequins, dressed in typical nineteen fifties garb. Alex shuddered; he hated mannequins. Scientifically it had to do with the Uncanny Valley principle but he never liked the fucking things. He always felt like they were going to break out of their stillness and attack him.

The highest thing in the town was a big brick penis in the center of the place. It wasn’t a metaphor either. It was a big, brick penis; Alex could see the glans from a mile away. Whoever designed this place was rather twisted. And sick.

Down the boulevards he walked, taking note of every stop sign and obstacle; just about anything that could be used for or against his fight with Alucard.

Stepping past a gas station, Alex smelled gasoline. Experimentally he grabbed one of the nozzles and pressed the trigger. A stream of ordinary gasoline flowed out, no different than from any New York gas pump.

Alex smiled. If he could use this, he could use many things. Then he heard it

Clang—clang—clang . . . . Like someone banging two pots together over and over again.

Alex scanned the area with both his thermal vision and his “infection” vision. Thermal registered nothing but the infection vision showed a single signature standing before the giant Brick Penis.

Alucard stood in the middle of town, the dead center of everything. The ancient vampire was beaming, smiling from ear to ear and banging together a couple of pots together that he found in one of the houses. Essentially, he was ringing the dinner bell.

Clang—clang-clang went the pots and Alucard just kept banging on them. “Oh Alex,” he sang joyfully, “Come out to play!”

Clang—clang—clang went the pots.

“Oh Alex,” Alucard sang a bit louder, “Come out to play!”

Clang—clang—clang

“Oh Alex!” he called, no longer singing, “Come out to play!!”

Clang—clang—clang

Clang—clang—clang

Alex couldn’t help but wince at that infernal pot. It just was so . . . annoying

Clang—clang—clang

Clang—clang—clang

“Oh Alex!” Alucard shouted louder, “Come out to play!!”

Clang—clang—clang

Clang—clang—clang

Clang—clang—clang

Clang—clang—clang

“Oh Alex!!!!” he screamed out now, instead of shout, “Come out to pllaaaaaaaaayyyyy!!!!”

Clang—clang—clang

Clang—clang—clang

Clang—clang—clang

Clang—clang—clang

Clang—clang—clang

Clang—clang—clang

“ALEEEEXXXXX!!!!!!!” he screamed like a stark raving psychopath, drool spider webbing around the corners of his mouth and his eyes rolling. “COME OUT TO PLAAAAAAYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!”

Alex had Alucard in his sights. He knew exactly what he had to do. Grabbing a stone off the ground, he hefted it in his hand. He was never much for baseball, but Alex wound up and threw the stone at Alucard as hard as he could

The rock cut through the air inelegantly; its irregular shape only meant that it would do greater damage to flesh than a symmetrical projectile.

But quick as a flash, Alucard held up both of the pots he was using to make noise and deflected the stone with it.

The pot had a massive dent it in where the stone struck; the improvised throwing object would have easily taken off a man’s head, or at least blown his skull to bits. Still, for Alucard this is a highly fitting start.

The ancient vampire grinned and smiled at Alex, managing to look diabolical and whimsical at the same time; for his belief in his own abilities was unshakeable. “Showtime,” he said before he launched his attack.

Immediately, the Casull appeared in Alucard’s hand as if by magic. The large silver handgun began to open fire. Alex’s enhanced vision could make out the bullets leaving the barrel and then igniting with pure heat and flame. So he was using incendiary bullets.

The first shot grazed Alex’s face, leaving a burning streak that rapidly regenerated. The second one hit him in the shoulder. Alex felt the burning phosphorous burn within his highly dense tissues.

Alex quickly tore out the burning bullet before grabbing his own machinegun, the trusty M249. The prototype then started to rain Hell down on Alucard, yet to his great surprise Alucard was dodging his fire.

The No-Life King zipped this way and that, manages to dodge the bulk of Alex’s 600 rounds per minute. Still, even with his great speed, some of the bullets hit their mark. Several dozen rounds hit him in the arm that was holding the casull, throwing off his aim and giving Alex the chance to see something.

The blacklight virus’s keen vision saw that underneath Alucard’s torn shirt was a bulletproof vest. Curses! Alex should have seen this coming; Alucard did have access to the Hellsing armory after all. Luckily, Alex had been smart enough not to use his silver bullets right off the hop.

Alucard however was just grinning and laughing as he fired his gun at Alex. Though at times like this he cursed the small six round clips. No matter, in another couple of minutes he’d roll out his Jackal and then lay down some fucking justice.

By that point, Alex had wised up to Alucard’s harmful incendiary bullets. While he fired his gun with his left hand, his right arm had formed into his classic blade form and that was blocking bullets. Alucard’s high calibre incendiary bullets harmlessly pinged off of Alex’s blade and burned futilely on the ground.

Though he was smiling on the outside, internally Alucard was furious. His master had ordered him to avoid any kind of close quarter combat with the prototype but it was driving him insane. He loved guns, but what fun were they when you weren’t close enough to feel the blood splatter.

He could use the Jackal right now, but that’d end this too quickly. He wanted not only to defeat this failed science experiment, but to decimate him. Not to beat the odds but to own them!

Yet the long range strategy was failing due to that blasted blade of his. Did he think he was some kind of Jedi, blocking bullets like that?

Suddenly, Alucard was gone like a thunder storm that had rained itself out. Like a hawk, the prototype began to scan around; searching for his foe and potential prey. Yet for all his immense powers, Alex still had not seen fit to grow an eye on the back of his head.

Rat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat!!!

Alex winced in pain as a hail of bullets rained on him at six hundred per minute. Throwing himself forward, Alex gritted his teeth under the hail of incendiary bullets that would have cut a human in half.

Alucard stood on top one of the houses which were painted a hideous primary color, grinning madly as he saw smoke rise from Alex like a smouldering holiday bird. More than a hundred phosphorous projectiles smoldered and burned in Alex’s flesh, draining him of his strength and stunting his regeneration.

Yet Alex’s luck held fast as Alucard’s gun suddenly jammed. Gritting his teeth in pain, Alex turned around and dropped his gun. Suddenly, he threw out his whip fist. The thing shot at Alucard like an arrow.

Alucard tried to dodge it, but Alex guided the nearly forty foot long tentacle to his target; and it wasn’t Alucard.

The No-life King looked on in shock as the whip fist reached out and yanked the Tommy gun from his hands and smashed it onto the pavement.

Smoke rising from his back, Alex flashed a sardonic grin of his own and stood straight. The incendiary bullets were wounding him but not killing him.

Growling like an enraged beast, Alucard leapt of the house he stood on and landed amongst the plastic mannequins, which suddenly came to life. One female mannequin executed a complex martial arts kick that caught Alucard right in the teeth and knocked him flying back.

Alucard landed on a lawn that wasn’t grass but some kind of plastic matting. Furious, he charged at the dummy. His mighty fist didn’t even make a scratch, while the female mannequin kicked him in the groin.

Flying back once more, Alucard hit a big stone statue of Stephanie Meyer. Growling, Alucard pointed at the mannequin that attacked him. “I’ll deal with you later.” For Alex Mercer had fled.

Alex leaned against the interior of a slaughterhouse. Smoke was still rising from his back, but in reduced amounts as the phosphorous was nearly burnt out.

Concentrating with all his might, Alex physically forced the bullets from his body. Though not dead, they’d done many times the damage of mere lead

Looking around, this slaughterhouse had the same surreal nature as the rest of the town, though not nearly as good natured. Hundreds of human corpses hung from meat hooks, skinned and ready for processing.

The machinery of the slaughterhouse was silent but Alex knew that Alucard would not be long to find him.

Though alive, he’d taken over fifty incendiary bullets and he needed to feed. Running up to the first human corpse and consumed it. The shaved, nude and skinless cadaver was instantly absorbed by a writhing mass of red and black tendrils. Alex felt neither guilt nor remorse. To Zeus it was just raw material, to Alex Mercer, it was a pathetic human.

But before Alex could replenish himself, a large metal blade went through is back and out his chest. He hardly felt the discomfort of having a sword through the heart. What worried him was that maniac was here when he was vulnerable.

Right on cue, the sound of Alucard’s casull shattered the silence. Alex was thrown back by the impact of the heavy incendiary rounds. He ground his teeth as he felt the burning bullets suck the life from him, leaching strength and biomass from him.

Stamping his foot on the floor of the slaughterhouse, Alex caused the concrete floor to crack. A large piece shot up from the impact and Alex kicked at Alucard like a football.

The ancient vampire grinned as the stone passed right through him. Then, lunging forward like a bat out of hell, he rushed Alex and drew the sword from his enemy’s chest.

Alex jumped back, trying to make a rush for the many human carcasses hanging from the ceiling but the Master vampire was one step ahead.  

Shooting his gun, he blew off one of Alex’s feet. Yet Alex was not fully helpless. Raising his own machine gun he unleashed a lead firestorm on the vampire. Though the bulletproof vest held, Alucard’s gun arm was blown off and so was his head; though he acted like the loss of his head was no big deal.

On the ground, the severed arm wriggled like a fish out of water, trying to shoot Alex independent of its master. No shots hit, luckily.

It took mere seconds for Alucard to start regenerating his head and for his arm to fly through the air and reattach with his body; and that was the opening that Alex needed.

Throwing his arm forward, Alex plunged into the human corpse hanging from the ceiling and consumed it. Within moments, black and red tendrils digested every scrap of meat, every piece of bone and every drop of blood, fat and organs.

Alex took a deep breath, feeling the damage done by the incendiary bullets vanish in an eye blink. He was at full strength and ready for battle.

His keen hearing could hear a puddle of shadows and blood creep up behind him. While Alucard stood before him grinning, a mass of vampire matter was spreading out from his heels and behind Alex. The vampire was grinning, holding his gun out and making a show of reloading, trying to keep Alex from noticing his rear attack.

Without turning around, Alex pointed the machinegun of his and emptied the last of the ammo at the lovecraftian claw holding the Jackal. The bloody hand was blasted apart and the Jackal clattered into a corner.

Alucard’s grin grew into a furious scowl of death as he saw his beloved gun be mistreated so. So like any red blooded man, he lunged at Alex with sword and Casull in hand.

Alex held a straight face. In a heartbeat, he activated his most powerful devastator, knowing that there were plenty of human corpses to revive his strength.

The critical pain devastator shot forth like a single column of destruction. Alucard was completely and utterly obliterated.

The force of the mass of black tendrils was so great that it blew a hole in a concrete wall several feet behind either combatant.

As the tendrils receded, Alex looked around for his enemy, scouring everything with infected vision. Where Alucard stood, there was a giant blood stain on the floor; which was much more than was left behind when Alex normally used this.
Unbeknownst to Alex, in another part of the slaughterhouse, a gigantic tank of blood tipped over seemingly by itself. The blood pooled on the ground before flowing together and starting to form bones, flesh, tendons and eventually a pair of white gloves. 

Normally such a move consumed his foes, but Alex could only feel a few hazy memories in his mind; shifting, flashing glimpses of battlefields long gone and scenes of horrific slaughter would appall a Warhammer Chaos Marine.

As Alex turned around, he realized that his machinegun was gone. Taken; by that maniac, who for sure was out there still.

The prototype was deeply disappointed that his most powerful devastator had failed to kill Alucard, but not surprised.

Suddenly, something punched him in the mouth and knocked him to the ground. Alex hit hard, cracking the concrete where he fell, but as he turned to get up another fist struck him in the groin. While this happened, three more fists hit him in the face and knocked him back.

Alex rolled back, spitting out several missing teeth and looking up at his enemy to see that it was . . . Alucard’s coffin. The damn thing now had several red eyes on it as well as about a dozen well-muscled arms.

Alex smirked and readied his hammer fists; his hands transforming into a pair of wrecking balls with spikes that were each half as big as his torso and with the upper arm strength to match.

It was then that the coffin’s multiple arms raised up and each gave Alex the middle finger; which in American culture means “fuck you, you hoodie wearing bastard.”

Then without warning that pussy coffin started to run out of the slaughterhouse.

“Get back here, you fucking match box! No one flips Alex Mercer the bird!” and he took off like a shock. Yes, despite becoming a living weapon of mass destruction, Alex still had the nerd rage in him.

Despite being a large wooden box with twelve ungainly limbs, it made incredible speed as Alex chased after it. Alex’s body smashed the human corpses on the meat hooks to pieces, tore through an inactive conveyor belt and knocked aside a forklift like a plastic cup.

Alex mindlessly chased the coffin; rationalizing his nerd rage with the knowledge that without it Alucard couldn’t cross moving water. Like Colonel Taggart, he’d locked on and wasn’t letting go at the expense of lateral thinking.

The coffin busted through a window and into the “day” illuminated by the head of Jack Nicholson. Next to the slaughterhouse was a pet shop without any pets and an orphanage. If it were a little more sapient than it already was, the coffin would have noticed a strange link between the orphanage, the pet shop and the abundance of meat in the slaughterhouse.

BOOOOOOM!!!

Alex smashed through the wall of the slaughterhouse before targeting the coffin, which was waiting for him.

Before he could smash that bastard to kindling, a gunshot blasted through the dust cloud created by crumbling concrete.

Alex was knocked back as his right arm was blown clean off. A second pull of the trigger cost Alex his other arm and only a rapid transformation into his armor form saved him from totally losing his head.

A large, smoking bullet hole sat squarely between Alex’s eyes. It scrambled his brains and would have killed another target. The bullets must have been extremely powerful, since Alex’s armor would withstand a blast from a tank at almost point blank range.

Materializing through the dust cloud like a grim spectre of death was Alucard. Flashing his trademark grin, he opened his jacket like the wings of a bat and flew onto the top of a street lamp.

For a second, Alucard scowled, as he noticed for the first time that the top of the street light looked like a dong and the light bulb looked like a dollop of pre cum.

Jumping to a telephone pole, Alucard growled in disgust. Who the fuck designed this town anyway?

He then turned his attention to the armored and armless Alex Mercer, still standing there.

Alex’s brains were just starting to regenerate. The mercury compounds in the Jackal were almost nullified thanks to Ragland’s work. The venerable scientist has worked for forty-eight hours nonstop to overcome the powerful mercury compounds in the Jackal; an ingenious compound which would wreak havoc with an organism’s nervous system. Even now, Alex could still feel the effects of mercury poisoning as his brain regenerated and his arms as well. He felt twitchy and moody; not to mention uncoordinated.

He stood before the no life king, a vampire who had devoured whole armies and Alex Mercer felt just fine. In his armor form, he was a foot taller than normal and stronger.

One thing that worried him though, was the modification to the Jackal. He could tell that Alucard had fitted an attachment onto the barrel that increased its length to almost six feet. Now it looked more like a rifle without a stock. Inscribed onto the end of the barrel extension was a stylized lightning bolt, a symbol of the Greek god Zeus.

As Alucard stared down the barrel of his massive gun, he addressed Alex. “Take your medicine quietly, freak. Die as you lived your miserable human life, like a piece of shit.” Taking on a judgemental tone, he asked, “Or are you a dog?”

Through the eye slits in his armored form, Alex flexed his fingers. As he stared down the barrel of the gun at this emotionally and mentally stunted leech, he felt nothing but hate for this man; who sat there judging everyone around him as if he were better.

Not giving him a chance to pull the trigger, Alex took his two hands and slammed them into the ground.

Alucard fired the gun but it was already too late. Giant devastator, impaler spikes shot out of the ground at Alucard, tearing down the telephone pole he was standing on. Angered, the vampire began to fire more of the bullets into Alex, though in his armored form the rounds hardly did any damage.

The armored prototype charged at the vampire. Alucard zoomed backwards, firing from the extended Jackal. He’d demanded that Walter made the Jackal better but he couldn’t. So Alucard demanded that he make it bigger.

As Alucard ran backwards, Alex summoned another impaler devastator but Alucard just walked through it like a ghost.

To compensate for the Jackal attacks, Alex activated his shield protection. Normally he couldn’t do this, but with the Gentek lab at his disposal, he could now access his two armored forms at the same time.

The Jackal’s powerful rounds punched through the shield, but lost so much of their momentum that they bounced off of Alex’s armor form. Even if he got attacked from behind, he’d at least get some protection.

Suddenly, Alucard transformed into a swarm of bats and flew at Alex. Several bats were splattered across the shield and Alex dug his feet into the ground to change direction; as he’d been running at over two hundred miles per hour and still couldn’t catch the vampire.

Alucard put the enlarged Jackal into his pocket and sheathed his sword. Both seemed to vanish in the hammer space of his jacket. The vampire took running at the humanoid virus. He was sick of running and firing from a distance like a coward.

The undead and the virus began to close the distance, Alex even shut down his armored form to gain more speed.

As they charged one another, Alex’s hand’s started to turn into a mass of tendrils to reveal his latest attack.

Alucard raised his hand to rip Alex’s heart out, or if that didn’t work; drain his blood like a soft drink.

Alucard’s arm went through Alex like butter; the hyper dense muscle and bone hard as titanium did nothing to stop Alucard. His hand went right through and ripped Alex’s heart with it.

As he held the palpitating organ in his hand, Alucard lunged forward with his teeth, ready to drain the blood of his foe and end it all. This failed science experiment wasn’t the only one who could consume the souls of his enemies.

Alucard bared his teeth and lunged, but as he did a foul physical presence hit him like a ton of bricks. A normal vampire would have collapsed to their knees but Alucard only slowed down; slowed down enough for Alex to kick his ass.

One of Alex’s fist caught Alucard right in the mouth and the nosferatu’s mouth was suddenly full of a horrid taste. It was like pain had suddenly become a flavor.

Alex head-butted Alucard, who fell on his ass, still holding Alex’s heart; which had transformed into a shapeless tendril mass.

Alex grabbed Alucard by the cravat and punched him in the face with his new attack form. Alucard’s nose broke and his hat fell off; his glasses flew to the side.

Then he realized with some shock that Alex’s hand had turned into a giant garlic bulb; which explained the foul smell.

Alex began to donkey punch Alucard with his garlic hand. Now this was his pride and joy; he had managed to figure out a way to combine his DNA with plant DNA. The garlic hands would be a powerful anti-vampire weapon; though they couldn’t be used with armor form and they decreased his strength by twenty percent. If nothing else, it would give him a cheap source of garlic later down the line to make badass stir fry with.

“You see that?” Alex taunted as he beat Alucard. The garlic broke and regenerated, it’s juices burning Alucard’s skin like acid and the odor and supernatural effects of it stunned Alucard. “That’s me making you my bitch!”

Alex Garlic-hands then transformed his other hand into a giant garlic bulb and started to wail on Alucard. Yet to his great astonishment, the vampire began to laugh hysterically. Alex struck him harder but

“HIT ME HARDER, YOU WHORE!” Alucard screamed in positive glee as Alex continued to bash his head in with garlic hands. “GIVE ME MORE!!!!”

This thoroughly disgusted Alex. He figured the guy’s masochism would stop with anti-vampire stuff but he was wrong. This guy was truly disturbed.

Suddenly, a severed cow’s head flew through the air and bonked Alex on the noggin. This threw Alex off of beating the deranged vampire and put him back to focus on the coffin, which was now throwing dead orphans, cow’s heads and butcher knives at Alex.

Alex scowled in annoyance as a butcher cleaver lodged in his skull.

As he looked back at Alucard, he saw the barrel of the lengthened Jackal right in the eye, Alucard grinned; looking not a big unhappy that his face had melted off and his brain was showing.

He pulled the trigger and blew off the prototype’s head.

Alex staggered back, headless. Alucard charged, fangs bared; the only part of his head not harmed by the garlic. However he was thrust back by Alex’s flailing body.

Alex was spinning like a dervish. His limbs randomly transformed and unformed from one deadly killing implement to another. He flailed around like a headless necromorph, deflecting projectiles from the coffin.

Alucard quickly hopped onto the coffin and started to beat a hasty retreat. He could still follow his master’s orders to stay long range and still have more fun than just shooting that parasite.

Though as a good buy present he started to shoot Alex with a clip of incendiary bullets. While his head regenerated.

As the coffin fled, Alucard began to chant. “Releasing control art restrictions, 3 . .  .2 . . . 1 . . .

Alex woke up as his head finished growing back. One benefit of having his head chopped off was that the headache and other symptoms of Mercury poisoning were now gone. And there was a giant demon hound charging at him.

He didn’t even have a chance to fight as the Hellhound barreled into him and chomped into him like a great white shark with a seal.

Alex fought the beast’s mighty jaws but even his great power couldn’t pry the jaws of the Baskerville hound apart. He could feel it start to bite through him; shaking him from side to side like a mutt trying to rip apart a chunk of meat. So Alex decided to oblige his attacker.

Activating his muscle mass form, Alex gripped the jaws of the hellhound and tried to pull them shut.

The great white teeth tore Alex in half. The upper half of his body flew across the town, busting through a window and landing in the middle of a normal looking department store . . . that just happened to have a giant statue of Dr. Robotnik inside of it.

Alex hit the statue with a thud, the ugly face of Eggman looking down at him with a sneer.

Propping himself up, Alex saw that Robotnik was surrounded by five other statues; losers of the Tournament of mortals.

There was Kratos, down to the littlest, ugliest detail. The statue was so lifelike, Alex half expected him to come to life and start attacking.

Then there was a statue of that repulsive wizard Palpatine. That twisted old man was as ugly as sin, even this statue was hideous. He still had that crinkled smile which reminded Alex of the orphanage workers who molested the kids.

Galen Marek was there; expression neutral, eyes determined. He looked every bit the assassin he'd been in life. Alex had been rooting for him, before he was burnt to a cinder. He'd have to remember that fire girl's use of psychological warfare. 

Finally there was Magneto, the dead Master of magnetism.

Alex’s introspection was interrupted by the sound of the Baskerville blasting through the wall of the furniture store like a bull in a china shop; destroying couches and shredding mattresses on beds.

The monster opened its mouth to roar but Alex was ready. Launching his whipfist, Alex hooked the pointed tentacle behind the thing’s head and pulled himself in.

The hound screamed in pain as Alex thrust his hand into one of the thing’s many eye sockets. He almost fell off, but Alex held on fast and deposited a little present in the Hellhound’s brain.

Dropping off, the beast began to paw at its damaged eye, which now had tendrils growing out of it.

The monster began to shake and shudder until it rolled onto its back and began whining like a bitch giving birth to a litter. When all of the sudden, a whole forest of tendrils penetrated the beast’s body from within. Hundreds of barbed biological tendrils perforated the monster and latched onto anything in sight.

The tendrils began to withdraw, sucking in the statues of the losers and any odd furniture or bits and ends. As all the tendrils imploded on the monster, a large, gory explosion occurred and the Hellhound was ripped apart.

Alex smiled as he was showered in blood. He stuck his hand into the remains of the beast and started to consume blood and matter.

Alucard sat in the center of town, right next to the giant brick penis. Atop his coffin he scowled, for he felt that the Hellhound had died. Curse that fool mercer. His master’s battle strategy was bullshit. With the tommygun destroyed, shooting the fool was more trouble than it was worth.

His master Integra feared close quarters combat; as much as Alucard was loath to admit it, physically he was the inferior fighter.

For the first time since getting here he began to contemplate his next move; fully expecting Mercer to be here at any moment.

Around the base of the giant stone monument were another four statues of the tournament’s losers. Alucard’s eyes went to the statue of Palpatine. The old sadist disgusted him with his foolish quest for immortality and his cowardice. Yet, a large part of him wished that he’d known Palpatine when he was a boy. Oh, when Alucard was young that sick old man could have taught him so much. Under Palpatine, he could have learned to express himself more fully earlier in life.

Oh well, such was the way; too bad Dumbledore didn’t kill him.

Standing up, Alucard’s form dissolved into shadow and reformed into that of a little girl in white. The coffin scuttled away, as Mercer would only smash it to bits.

In his “girlycard” form, Alucard spoke with his ordinary voice. “I know you’re there, Mercer. I can feel you; I can hear you and I can smell you.” He turned and focused on a cluster of buildings that resembled a town hall and a convenience store called “Al’s Suicide Barn.”

To which Alex retorted, seeking to provoke the old monster before him. “If it’s death you want, I can give it to you. It’ll be easy, just surrender.”

Alucard closed his eyes for a moment and laughed humorlessly. “Surrender, give up? You truly underestimate me. Look at you, you’re weak; you cannot go on unless fueled by the souls and hearts of others.”

Alex stepped out of Al’s suicide barn and smiled; hands in his pockets. “Praise from Caesar. I’ve been called a terrorist, monster, killer and I’m proud of it.”

Alucard fluttered his eyelashes in a most feminine manner. “Don’t you know, prototype, that only a man can kill a monster.”

Alex didn’t have to pretend to be amused. “Is that why you became this freak show? Because you were too weak?”

Alucard stopped smiling. “I was too weak to continue living as a human. Don’t speak of things you have no understanding of, boy.” His tone was level but deathly serious.

Alex knew that he’d hit a vital point. “You were weak and still are. Monsters have a strength that humans can only dream of. Your own master depends on a “weak” monster to do her bidding. Do you think she could kill me?”

Alucard ground his teeth, “You’re not worthy to speak of my master, cockroach.”

Alex was giggling with glee on the inside. This arrogant hypocrite didn’t have a leg to stand on. “I know what you are. You’re a cripple, mentally and emotionally. Your so called relationship with god was nothing but a crutch for an ignorant, backwards tyrant who thought that if he sacrificed enough men the bearded invisible man in the sky would give him a cookie.”

Alucard had enough by that point. From underneath his Jacket, he threw his sword at Alex and speared the other monster through the face. The last battle between Monster of Science and Monster of Darkness was about to begin.

Showing no discomfort about the three feet of steel sticking out of his face, Alex yanked it out of his skull and held it aloft. One of the blackwatch soldiers he consumed had been an avid fencer. With sword in one hand, he reached behind his back and pulled out his machinegun, now loaded with the silver ammo.

“You want me? Come and get, you walking suicide!” Alex yelled at girlycard. “When I win this tournament, I’ll kill both your master and that little fledgling of yours!”

Alucard grinned. “Be careful what you wish for, for I shall give it to you.”

Immediately, Alucard held up both his hands so that his fingers and thumbs formed a rectangular frame. The light began to dim and clouds started to gather and suddenly Alex was overcome with an incredible feeling of dread.

“Releasing control art restriction zero: activated.”

Alex could feel fear up his spine, yet he knew that only at his most powerful could Alucard be defeated. Steeling himself he shouted, “Bring it on, you coward!” and fired a spray of bullets at Alucard.

The Bird of Hermes is my name

Alex started to charge at Alucard, hoping to chop off his head with the sword and consume him just as he reached zero restriction.

A gunshot spelled the end of that plan

Eating my wings. . .

Alex looked in horror as the coffin used the jackal to blow his leg off. He fell to the ground, vulnerable and hating it. He took note of the coffin and before it could fire any more shots, he fired his whipfist at it; smashing the infernal thing to pieces, but it no longer mattered. He’s lost his chance

. . . to make me tame

Alucard’s body began to dissolve into a pool of blood and shadow, larger than the Baskerville. As his leg regenerated, Alex fired the whipfist onto the brick monument and pulled himself up.

Alucard was transforming, and the landscape was changing with him. The box canyon this town sat in was growing bigger; more building were popping up, tall ones too.

Deciding to gamble it all, Alex threw himself down, ready to consume the ultimate consumer.

Then all Hell broke loose. Like a tsunami, the captive souls of Alucard were freed from the prison of their master’s own corrupt soul. Over three millions souls of man, vampire and anything in between was spewed forward in one great rush to make the Zerg rush look like a slow parade. Alex was utterly swarmed and engulfed by the mass.

As the mass of souls and blood blooded forward like a biblical plague, the rivers that divided up the town instantly dried up, allowing Alucard unrestricted access to the town.

Buildings were crushed by the flowing mass of souls. In its wake, stood thousands upon thousands of shambling ghouls who cried out for blood of the prototype.

The rolling mass of souls seemed unstoppable, yet like any virus, Alex was nothing if not resilient. A great mass of tendrils shot through the souls, taking their power and strength and sucking them into Alex. A great mass of devastator spikes rose up from the ground, almost in imitation of their master’s preferred execution method and a critical pain devastator blasted a hole straight to crest of the bloody wave.

A whipfist flew out and latched onto a giant copper statue of Gabe Newell and out from the morass shot Alex Mercer, in his full armored form and pissed off as hell.

Holding his arms to the sky, Alex hollered in challenge, “ALUCARD, FACE ME!”

“Hey,” said a voice right next to Alex.

The prototype spun around, both arms turning into blade forms; only to realize that the statue of Gabe Newell was talking to him. “You fat cocksucker, get off me.”

Unwilling to argue with the founder of Valve, Alex jumped off and sailed through the air and onto another one of the tall buildings that had sprung up since Alucard unleashed his zero restriction.

Alex screamed again, “ALUCARD, YOU COWARD!” he was trying to provoke the vampire, trying to make him think with his animal instincts instead of his logic and reason. Still, Alex wasn’t an optimist. He knew that he’d have to work for victory.

At that moment, a magical musket ball sailed through the air, changing course multiple times before blasting through Alex’s armor like it wasn’t there.

\Alex grunted in pain as the impact threw him sideways. He threw out his whipfist to land on another building but the musket ball was back. It tore through him in the opposite direction.

Codename Zeus fell off the building and into the mass of waiting familiars below. As he fell, the musket balls penetrated him over and over and over again; severely wounding him but not killing him.

The mass of familiars had thinned out some. So when Alex landed, he sliced and diced at them with his twin blades. The slow moving, eerie zombies were no match for the prototype. Alex cut into the miserable bastards like a lawn mower with grass.

As he cut his way through the endless hordes, he saw that one of the random toilets and witnessed one of the zombies accidently hit the flush lever.

On cue, a huge column of holy water shot up from the toilet and dissolved the surrounding ghouls like sugar. This gave Alex some needed breathing room and by shooting a critical pain devastator into the masses, he was able to completely heal his wounds from the musket. His next priority had to be to kill Alucard’s more powerful familiars.

The ghouls started to rush in again but Alex hit the flush button and more holy water gushed out and dissolved his foes.

Activating his massive frontal shield, Alex shaped it like a wedge so to better slice through the crowds of familiars. The hungry and bloodthirsty zombies were no challenge to Alex, who tore through them like a shark in water.

As he ran, his feet crushed the fallen and broken bodies of familiars. They burst under his feet like ripe tomatoes and Alex loved every moment of it. Yet he knew that his ordeal was far from over.

Alex was scanning with infected vision, looking for the brightest signatures. When all of the sudden, there up on a tall building that looked like a grain elevator, Alex saw a bright figure reloading a musket.

Rip aimed her gun at Alex, her face strangely vacant. As she was ready to fire, a giant red tendril shot out of Alex’s hand as he leapt over a hundred feet in the air.

The gooey, sticky tendril wrapped around Rip, causing her to drop her musket. The tendrils branched off as they wrapped around Rip, latching onto air conditioning units, a satellite dish and a bronze statue of Mickey Mouse.

The tendrils retracted; ripping out all the random debris they touched and slammed them into Rip’s body hard enough to splatter her like an egg.

Rip Van Winkle’s musket clattered on top of the roof of the grain elevator, just in time for Alex to slam his heavy boot onto it.

Before Alex had the chance to feel too satisfied, he caught sight of a razor sharp playing card flying right at him. His lightning fast reflexes, enhanced by his time in the laboratory allowed him to escape death but not escape unscathed.

The cards sailed overhead as Alex dodged, but at the cost of both his arms. Alex watched on in horror as both of his arms fell to the ground, twitched once and stopped moving. He waited for regeneration to kick in, but red and black threads and tendrils just swarmed uselessly around his wounds. His steroid enhanced regeneration had defeated the Jackal rounds but couldn’t stand up to the lethal cards of the Dandyman.

The prototype ran, seeing that a tactical retreat was in order to survive and eventually slay the Dandyman. He zigzagged, smashing down the zombie familiars like they were nine pins. A squad of Brazilian swat team members opened fire on Alex with their assault rifles but this did nothing to his armor form.

Cards whizzed behind him, shredding familiars into near slices. Heads and limbs were severed cleanly at the molecular level. Dandyman however did not have Alucard’s impeccable aim.

As they ran, Alex began to lead Dandyman towards one of the holy toilets. The prototype fired energy pulses as he ran; a kind of viral sonar. With this, he could see everything, including where the Dandyman was behind him and the exact location of every single familiar.

A card whizzed past Alex and sliced off the top quarter of his head. Obviously it was time for a chance of strategy.

From the severed stumps of Alex’s arms, giant webs of tendrils fired. These tendrils shot out and stuck to either side of the street.

The highly elastic biological substance acted like a giant slingshot, launching hi right at the Dandyman.

As the two collided, they distangled in midair. Alex hit the ground on his feet, arms only half regenerated and brain clearly showing. Dandyman was stuck in the tendrils, arms and legs held fast like a spider in a web. Without any fanfare or ceremony, Alex consumed Dandyman by driving a newly regenerated clawed hand right into his scrotum. It wasn’t anything personal but . . . it was kinda personal.

Spinning around and howling like a crazy man, Alex took his newly grown arms and stabbed a dozen zombie creatures with a bio bomb a piece.

The result was a massive area of devastation. For a brief moment, the street that Alex stood in was instantly cleared of familiars.

Unbeknownst to Alex, one of the sewer manhole covers was open and a lit candle was next to it; courtesy of the interactive nature of this place. Like a video game from hell, Alex ran to chop into the horde of ghouls and freaks.

The Papist Knights of the Vatican fired on him with their fifty calibre guns, loaded with BMG rounds. These tore holes in Alex’s armor but nothing as bad as Rip Van Winkle’s musket. Alex summoned a critical pain devastator; the bulletproof shields of the Papist knights in their crusader outfits and KKK hoods was no match for this awesome force of biological destruction. It also had the side effect of knocking the lit candle into the sewer.

Down and down the candle fell, as Alex fought above. The little candle fell for close to a hundred feet before landing in a room that was full of gunpowder and napalm. The internet comedian, the Nostalgia Critic was chained to a chair and forced to watch an endless loop of Battlefield Earth; he’d been captured by the Portal Master six years ago. And as the candle ignited the napalm and gunpowder, the Critic said only this, “Oh thank god.”

Mass Destruction and a Mercy killing at once

His glasses briefly lit up with light right before his whole body was burnt to a cinder instantly.

The underground explosion ran through the sewers and blew up the entire town. It was like an underground nuke went off. Everything was blown sky high and that included Alex Mercer.

Alex screamed freely as he was thrown in the vicinity of up, along with a hundred thousand tons of dirt, steel, brick and familiars. There is no way to describe what Alex felt; except that it was like being a goldfish stuck in a washing machine. It was deeply unpleasant.

And what goes up must come down and so Alex landed and was thus buried under a few dozen tons of rubble. All things considering, he got off easy.

Alex hadn’t felt this shitty since he got nuked. Slowly and painfully he dug himself out of the rubble; shambling as slowly as one of Alucard’s zombies.

His armored form had worn off, unable to maintain it any longer after the calamitous underground explosion. Alex was bone tired, the first time he could remember feeling as such since he woke up in Blackwatch’s morgue.

Throwing back his hood, Alex tried to piece through the thick cloud of dust and smoke. The statue of Gabe Newell rose from the rubble like the Statue of Liberty in Planet of the Apes.

Running his hands through his short black hair, Alex could already hear the sound of walking dead coming for him. First he saw their red eyes, then their chipped and rotten mouths and the rest was entirely incidental.

Alex took a step forward and stumbled. The damage he’d taken was catastrophic; it was a struggle to just pick himself up and the army of the undead were getting closer and closer.

Shakily, the prototype raised a judgemental hand with a finger to point at his foe. “Is that it? I’m still standing?” fatigue was deep in his voice. “I’ll kill you Alucard, if I have to spend the next thirty years killing every last one of your familiars!”

Then, a deep, melodious and insane laughter cut through the dust and smoke; the undead army stopped in their tracks. From the gloom, two hundred or so papal knights levelled their guns at Alex, eyes blowing red from within their hoods.

Alex flinched, not only from Alucard, but from the memories he’d taken from consuming his familiars.

The entire lives of men, good and bad, flashing by in a second

The laughter rose as the man revealed himself; if one could still call him a man

Alucard’s hideous face watching it all. The master of it all. And Alex could see the master through the eyes of his servants

Alex spun to face him. There was no mistaking the unnaturally tall, gangly figure clad in what looked like a black leather straight jacket. What Alex wasn’t prepared for was the makeup.

Alucard’s normally pallid face was done up in a grotesque whiteface pattern. His ghastly grill was painted to look like the ace of spades, with a black spade over one eye and white makeup making him look even paler. His normally full, red lips were glossed with pitch black lipstick and a giant eight inch moustache decorated his upper lip.

The ancient vampire cackled and playfully ran a finger across his mustache. “Well, viral man, I have to say; you did alright.” He gave Alex sharp and playful thumbs up, before promptly pointing an accusatory finger. “But you are no man. This whole time you’ve feared me and what I can do.”

The vampire crossed his arms and sneered behind his mustache. “I call you a coward.”

Alex really couldn’t bring himself to care what Alucard said. This guy was the lowest thing in existence. “Oh yeah,” Alex replied, still shaky on his feet, “Whatever I did, whatever I’ve done; I never expected God to do me any favors. Oh, and I was never anybody’s sex toy.”

One of Alucard’s eyes twitched. Though he said nothing.

Alex smiled. “I see you for what you really are.”

And then, Alex pulled a trick that Alucard did not foresee. Out of Alex’s sleeve shot a mass of killer playing cards.

Alucard gritted his teeth in surprise as his arms and legs were sliced off.

The prototype sprang into action, firing his tendril powers at Alucard and the surrounding familiars, but once more the vampire turned into bats and fled.

No matter though; Alex was able to regain his strength by absorbing the handful of familiars. The Vatican familiars fired their guns but Alex activated his shield, which took the brunt of their fire.

With his health bar full, Alex launched an impaler devastator at his foes and took a flying leap. Gliding through the air with a tendril web, Alex knew that there had to be a better way to defeat Alucard than with just brute force.

He needed to find what Alucard wanted, or else force him out of his hiding place. As he leapfrogged across the ocean of familiars, Alex could start to see buildings in the rubble starting to reform.

One building in particular stood out. “Hardware store,” breathed Alex.

He exploded through the front window and like a character from a horror survival game; he went straight for the power tools.

The front doors burst open as the Wallachian Royal cavalry burst through the glass store front, their spears knocked down aisles of merchandise and caused untold property damage. And Alex Mercer walked right in front of them.

Strapped to his front and back were a couple of lawnmowers. With a pull of the cords, Alex fired up the engines and charged.

The wooden pikes were shredded by the blades of the lawnmowers and the horses were smashed by Alex’s furious frontal momentum.

He collided with the oncoming ghouls like an unstoppable force hitting a moveable object. Hands and heads were sliced off as the lawnmowers fired, spraying Alex and his foes with blood and chunks of flesh. Any that failed to hit the lawnmowers got struck by Alex’s claw hands.

Then doing something utterly outrageous, Alex jammed a hand into the nearest familiar, a Kazan tribesman and put his biomass into it.

Suddenly, he felt himself become one with the ghoul. He saw what had once been its life but that’s not what he cared about.

As a nerd, Alex was familiar with the theory of zombie computers; where one master computer controls a vast rank of inert computers to gain unspeakable computing power and allow hackers to achieve computer crimes on a vast scale. Alucard was the master computer and this zombie was the zombie. Through him, he’d get to the master.

Alex’s brain lit up as he felt his consciousness rush through the vast web of familiars. Nearly all of them were brain dead; their higher mental functions almost destroyed, their memories meaning nothing to them anymore as Alucard stripped them of all identity.

It wasn’t hard to find him because Alex knew exactly what to look for; the soul that recognized itself.

And for the first time in many centuries, Alucard felt true fear as Alex mercer peered into his deepest secrets.

His rape by the Sultan

His capture by the Hungarians

But Alucard wasn’t just a victim; he was an abuser as well.

He devoured babies, murdered other vampires merely for the pleasure of it.

Alex winced and tried to ignore the ghouls groping him as their heads and hands were sliced off by the lawnmowers. Such horror and bloodlust. Here was truly a man with nothing good inside of him.

Vlad the Impaler watched over his kingdom, and for his very pleasure he mutilated a woman’s genitals with a knife and licked the blade.

He danced and sang as he ripped Mina Harker’s arm off. Maniacally laughing at the poor woman’s suffering and terror he tore off his own arm and forced her to drink his blood. When he was done, he beat her for getting blood on his penis

Alucard towered over children whose parents had died. Nothing made him hard like the smell of a child’s fear.

Even Seras Victoria wasn’t safe. The buxom fledgling cowered in fear right before Alucard tore her spine out, just for scratching one of his CD’s.

A loud screaming of pure rage tore Alex from the web of Alucard, just in time to see the bastard sword descend upon him.

Alex leapt back but not fast enough. The blade somehow miraculously sliced the lawnmower in half. Walter had been busy strengthening it.

Alex parried back with his own two blades but the vampire’s speed and skill far outweighed his viral opponent’s. Alucard had been doing this for centuries; stealing soul and lives and fighting battles. He lived for nothing else; he had no other reason to go on except for the next great fight.

Alucard managed to break through Alex’s defenses. His sword moves so fast it broke the sound barrier, slicing random pieces of flesh off Alex’s torso, arms and face.

In seconds, the face of the prototype was completely stripped away and his eyes were put out. Alex Mercer’s face became a bloody, eyeless skull with biomass creeping on it like a tumorous infection.

Alucard lunged forward, going for the throat; but Alex used one final gift from Dr. Ragland.

He’d kept it hidden this whole time; a syringe full of garlic puree and very tiny microscopic silver crosses. He took it and rammed it into Alucard’s chest, just missing his heart by millimetres.

Alucard stopped dead in his tracks as the liquid took hold. All around them, familiars began to burst into flame in order to take damage for their master.

Alex then thrust his hand into Alucard’s stomach and biomass began to spread as he consumed the vampire.

He then paused, something was wrong. There was a force, resisting his biomass. He could almost begin to see it being pushed back when Alucard chomped down on his neck and drank directly from a major artery.

Letting go of the syringe, Alex thrust his second hand into Alucard, hoping to overcome the vampire’s resistance to his power.

It wasn’t certain who would win. It could go either way, when a nuclear bomb came from out of nowhere and blew the pair of them up with an airburst detonation. Honestly, neither of them was energetic enough to really care.

Alucard came to. When he woke from his regeneration, he saw that he was standing in a giant crater; that was all that was left of the original town.

Groggily getting up, the vampire quickly shook it off and beamed brightly. This was beautiful. So much destruction and smash and carnage. It was just a shame that he couldn’t rip that freak apart with his bare hands.

He was so absorbed in the destruction the he failed to notice someone else until it was too late. Alex’s hand went through Alucard’s chest and right through his heart, consuming him. There was nothing left of the vampire and Alex had won.

Alex shielded his eyes as a bright light beamed down on him. A glowing door had opened and the portal Master had appeared. “Congratulations, Alexander Mercer. You have won and may now claim your prize. How do you feel?”

Alex looked around and at the Portal Master, “Honestly, like I just sterilized a test tube.” He had nothing more to say.

Soon he began to follow the portal Master, Alex couldn’t help but hear a voice in his head. He’d learned to get used to voices in his head when he consumed Elizabeth green; 99 percent of the people he consumed posed no problem and became nothing but memories. This was different.

He could hear screaming . . . and laughter. He heard taunts and threats. It was as if Alucard was alive in Alex and still thought the he could prevail.

Alex winced. It was lucky that he never slept; with Alucard in his head he’d get nightmares for the rest of his life.

Alternate ending

All that remained of Alex was a puddle of gore. He wasn’t conscious but he was alive. A nearby cockroach began to nibble on him, only to be consumed in turn. The small amount of biomass started to cluster together in the hopes of finding a new food source.

It instinctively tried to flee from the boot falls of the approaching vampire but Alucard caught it. He examined it for a moment before devouring all that was left of Alex Mercer; the man who killed a whole city of twelve million.

Alucard ate his foe like a snarling animal and felt Alex Mercer join the souls inside of him. It was a pathetic, anti-climactic ending for Alex Mercer and Alucard couldn’t be happier.

In moments, he was reduced to hysterical laughter; he didn’t even notice the approaching portal master.

“Had fun?” asked the grand manipulator.

“YES!” Alucard screamed, “THAT WAS A RUSH!! WHOM DO I KILL NEXT!!!?”

The Portal Master just smiled. Of all the beings here, this was the only one genuinely happy to be here. “Patience, my friend. You’ll have a new foe very soon.”

Alucard laughed as he surveyed the death and destruction around him. “Oh yes. I want more, much more.” 

I sincerely hope you all enjoyed that :D It was a pleasure to write this and I will resume work on Mickey Mouse vs Peter Griffin.