Raynor's Raiders vs Mental's Horde: Preview

ENJOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Raynor’s raiders:

Infantry-marines, medics, marauders, reapers, spectres, firebats, SCV,

Land Vehicles-siege tank, vulture, goliath, Viking, Thor, warbound, Predator

Air Units-Viking, medevac drop ship, battle cruiser, Banshee, science vessel, wraith

Mercenaries:

Hero Units: Jim Raynor, Tychus Findlay, Rory Swann, Dr. Stetman, Gabriel Tosh

Misc units-shredder, spider mines, Odin

Mental’s Horde:

Infantry-Headless Rocketeer, Headless Kamikaze, Cloned Rifleman, Cloned Shotgunner, Kleer Skeleton, gnaar, Cucurbito the Pumpkin, beheaded Firecracker, Scrapjack, Juvenile Arachnoid

Heavy Units: Sirian werebull, biomechanoid major, biomechaniod minor, Highlander Aludran Reptiloid, Lava Golem, The Khnum, Adult Arachnoid,

Air Units: Scythian Witch Harpy, Witch Bride of Achriman, Alchor Class Warship, Technopolip,  

Hero Units: Mordecai the Summoner, Ugh Zahn IV, Exotech Larva,

Misc units-Marsh Hopper, Mental’s Pet Hamster

Announcer: Just to make things easy, we’ll start off by testing the miscellaneous units

At the famous desert bomb range, Serious Sam holds up a clear glass cage with a large, toad like organism inside of it. “Now this little fucker is a marsh hopper from Rigel Kentarus and I fucking hate him and all his little brothers and sisters.”

Inside the cage, the marsh hopper croaks and pats at the glass with its front legs.

“Basically Mental uses these things like landmines. They defend their territory by jumping at enemies and exploding; thereby releasing the acid slime in their intestines.”

“Death by toxic toad shit,” Geoff remarks, “Very nasty.”

“You wouldn’t know the half of it,” Sam grunts, “I still have PTSD flashbacks every time Kermit the frog appears on TV.”

Zim stands with his arms crossed, “So how do the foolish Earth-dirt plan to test these puny toads?”

Geoff points to a figure out in the rocky soil. Made from terran neosteel is a cut-out of the Queen of blades; complete with cross eyes and a painted on frowney face. “That right there is made from neosteel with an incomplete coating of vanadium plating. That’s basically what almost all Terran units are made from or armored in.”

“Then let’s kill earth-dweebs!” shouts Zim, who unintentionally revealed his reason for doing Mental’s Horde.

Serious Sam then holds up a remote control.

“Sam, are you ready?” Geoff shouts.

“Any time, bro!” Sam calls out.

“Then in 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . RELEASE THE TOADS!!”

Sam hits a button on his remote control and the door on a giant glass cage opens up; releasing the deadly marsh hoppers. At the same time, a voice of the loudspeakers screams in a heavy metal scream “WAAAAAAAARRRRRRR!!!!!!!”

Immediately, the large, bulging eyes of the toad like creatures lock onto he neosteel cut-out of Kerrigan and they start to hop forward. Croak, croak, croak they go as they hop forward.

The one on the front lines takes a big jump, hits the metal structure and goes splat! Green slime spews all over the Kerrigan cut-out.

Soon they all follow, croaking and exploding like ugly little banelings. The neosteel cut-out is coated in a pheromone mix that smells like a common predator on the marsh hopper’s home planet. In less than fifteen seconds, roughly a hundred of the amphibian beasts have thrown themselves at the target like suicide bomber lemmings.

The guys go to inspect the neosteel target. Aside from being covered in slime, it seems to worse for the wear.

Tychus laughs and takes a pull on his cigar. “Well partnah, looks like you’re all washed up. Ain’t no way no damn toads is gonna take down Terran tech.”

Serious Sam says nothing, instead, he walks up to the neosteel cut-out and kicks it; causing it to shatter like glass. He puts his hands on his hips and shakes his head at Tychus, “Really, Billy Bob Thornton, really? Go back to Alabamee, redneck.”

While Tychus is gearing up to kick Sam’s ass, Matt examines the neosteel in detail. “Well the regular armor has become highly brittle, like glass.” He then picks up a vanadium coated piece and gives it a knock. “The vanadium has protected the neosteel somewhat, but if you look closer,” he starts to take the piece and bend it, “It’s suffering from heavy structural fatigue; something that could severely impact the armor on terran vehicles.”

At that moment, Zim runs across the area screaming. Not far behind Zim, a marsh hopper croaks and jumps after him. Zim runs and the marsh hopper chases him. He runs back and forth and the toad like alien follows him like a dog.

“Oh, one of the marsh hoppers survived,” says Max; just as the creature lands on Zim.

The three foot Irken is hardly a match for the bulky and compact marsh hopper. “Unhand me, DEMON! Zim shouts, his armored tongue flailing.

“What’s it doing?” asks Geoff.

Everyone starts to cringe as marsh hopper begins to hump Zim, who starts screaming obscenities too vulgar to be heard outside an X-rated movie.

“I think he resembles the female of the species,” Sam concludes.

“I saw somethin’ like this in Canada,” Tychus observes, “Only them dressed up like the King an’ Queen of England.”

Everyone turns to look at Tychus; they can only wonder in horror what kind of weird shit he’s done in the past. “

“I’ll help Zim,” says Matt.

Announcer: Coming up, the mighty Odin faces against Mental’s Pet Hamster . . . did I just say that?

The camera pans to show a dusty desert landscape. We briefly see a lizard on a rock which is then startled by vibrations in the ground.

Announcer: The first of its kind, a super heavy experimental siege walker for prolonged combat missions—

The vibrations in the ground grow louder and louder. Suddenly, a giant metal foot stomps in front of the camera.

--this brilliant machine was stolen from Dominion scientists by Raynor and his boys and is now one of the deadliest pieces of equipment in the Raiders arsenal.

The camera zooms in and Tychus grins in the cockpit. “This here is man’s greatest creation. I have nea’ constant orgasms eve’ry time I step in the cockpit.”

“That’s what my gay cousin says every time he gets lucky,” Sam shouts from off to the side.

Tychus snarls at Sam, “Shut up!” he goes to fire a nuclear missile at Sam but the producer had that removed before they started filming.

The crew stand before the camera, while in the background the Odin moves like a metal mountain, shaking the landscape as it does.

Matt Horner explains how the test is going to proceed. “The Odin is a unit capable of both anti-air and anti-ground capabilities. Armed with an extremely destructive array of two twin-linked T800 cannons, shoulder mounted Hellfire missile pods and four 330mm howitzers on a near indestructible chassis the Odin is virtually an army unto itself; which I believe will be essential to fighting off the superior numbers of Mental’s horde.”

Announcer: To test the Odin, a number of flying and ground units will be deployed against the mammoth machine.

Remotely controlled, an entire fleet of defunct Protoss aircraft fill the sky. Overhead a mighty Arbiter class ship is surrounded by a cloud of smaller corsair fighter craft. On the ground, a number of similarly remote controlled Protoss dragoons march like an army of giant metal crabs.

On the ground, Matt Horner raises a flair gun up and fires into the air.

Tychus, who’s been itching for some action, opens up with a barrage; a special move that unleashes a devastating concentration of firepower from the cannons on the Odin’s back.

The fleet of protoss vehicles are quickly torn apart by this barrage. Shield go from green to red and buckle, armor plating is perforated. It’s like an orchestra of firepower and Tychus is the conductor. Each bullet and shell is a note and the destruction that ensues is beauty that will stay with us forever.

Both Sam and Zim are blown away by this display. Sam’s jaw is slack and he appears utterly dumbstruck by the weapon before him. Zim grins from ear to ear with a look of pure malevolence.

“Whoa,” Sam gasps, “I’m getting a serious chubby for that thing.”

“Think of all the filthy humans I could kill with that machine,” Zim practically crows with delight.

Geoff and the experts stand around a table ready to decide. “I think I’ve seen enough,” says Max. “The Odin is by itself equal to one of Mental’s armies. With something like that, Jim Raynor has it in the bag.”

“Hey guys,” Serious Sam interrupts the meeting, “You should know that mental’s pet hamster has escaped his cage.”

“And that’s not good,” says Armand, “I’ve treated giant hamster damage in the past and it’s nasty. The energy projectiles they fire are lethal and if you get close their bodies sprout deadly spines.”

Suddenly the earth starts to shake, and everyone jumps out of the way just as a thirty foot high, seventy foot long hamster in a giant hamster ball made of spiked metal rolls through and tramples everything.

Inside the hamster ball of death, Mental’s hamster peers at the world through eight red, glowing eyes. From out of its mouth it fires deadly green energy balls that fly at Mat Horner.

Panicking, Mat pulls out his handgun and starts to shoot at the projectiles but nothing happens. Running like mad, he fires his gun over his shoulder as the hamster ball barrels down on him like Indiana Jones’s ball of death.

Hitting a switch frantically, Max activates the shredder units, mobile machines that throw up impenetrable radiation fields. The shredders automatically deactivate when Matt runs by but reactivates when he’s out of range.

Unfortunately the giant hamster passes through when Matt does, thereby bypassing the deadly field of radiation.

However as Matt and the Hamster run past, several victims run into it. Several deer run into the faintly buzzing shredders and explode like eggs in the microwave. Deer entrails and blood fly all over the landscape.

On cue, a whole pack of marsh hoppers jump right into the field, perceiving the shredders to be lethal enemies. The toads blow up uselessly, their deadly acid slime not even touching the metal machines.

A swarm of bumblebees strikes the radiation field like an invisible windshield.

And to cap things off, Scratch and Grounder, Dr. Robotnik’s evil henchmen strike the field and melt like plastic. Good riddance to bad rubbish.  

Luckily Tychus saves his ass. Another barrage from the Odin blasts that hamster ball to bits and launches Matt at least forty feet in the air where he lands in a giant vat of corn syrup.

Mental’s Pet hamster fires a spray of energy balls at the Odin which burn holes it its armor but fail to do fatal damage to the machine.

Then, with a well-placed nuke, Tychus kills the insufferable fucker once and for all.

Without warning, Matt’s head explodes up from the surface of the corn syrup vat. As he gasps for breath and contemplates that his outfit is ruined; he wonders what the hell a vat of corn syrup is doing in the middle of the desert.

Then, he looks up and sees Jamie Hynaman and Adam Savage looking down on him.

“Get out of our corn syrup, mother fucker,” says Jamie.

“You heard the man,” says Adam, who pulls out a Mossberg shotgun and pumps a shell into the chamber before aiming at a dumfounded Matt.

Edge in Misc units: Raynor’s Raiders.

Announcer: We break briefly to meet with Kieran Eliot to answer fan mail.

The friendly Scottish announcer appears in a comfortable leather chair, with some fainmail in hand. “Hello and welcome to the Deadliest Warrior aftermath. Where we’ll interview experts and hear fan’s thoughts.”

He opens the first envelope. “This first letter is from Kyle who writes, “In the episode Van Helsing vs Albert Wesker; Wesker’ was totally dominated in the numbers by far. Why would that be?”

Kieran smiles, “Well Kyle, this is not the discovery channel; this is Spike TV, where inaccuracy and testosterone go hand in hand. In short, the show really fucked up.”

“Next letter is from Sarah Kerrigan,” he reads, “Dear Master of the Boot, for making me lose the match with Anakin skywalker I will find unreal ways for you to die. Be seeing you soon. Signed, Sarah.”

Kieran laughs and smiles, “Well Master, you’d better grow a beard and learn to speak Swahili.”