Tournament of Morals: The Delayed Parody

Attention: The following is a parody of the facebook competition known as the Tournament of Mortals. I am not the creator of the tournament but enjoy this homage on my part.

Boring.

Boring.

Boring

…

…

Boring!

That was the word that would best describe how things were going at the Tournament of Mortals. Everybody was just so goddamned, irrevocably and unhelpably, unspeakably bored.

It all began three weeks ago when the goddamn Portal Master decided to put the entire tournament on hold just so that he could work on a haiku.

Fucking bastard and his haikus

Honestly, what fucking guy takes three weeks and counting to write a haiku?

The library of Babel was off limits, nobody could fight anybody or hurt one another, the magic fires were shut down so there was nothing good to watch. Everyone tried to make the best of their time but as the days dragged on they found their patience, enthusiasm and their sanity slipping.

Currently, Superman was off in a corner, peeling potatoes. What he was going to do with those potatoes or why, nobody fucking knew. Superman was just peeling potatoes; he’d already done about a hundred of them and showed no sign of stopping.

The Doctor kind of . . . twitched past; like a speed freak or one of the twitcher necromorphs from Dead Space. The ADD alien wasn’t handling well all this damn linear time very well. He hadn’t slept in two weeks and he’d utterly given up on hygiene. He’d already written a million page long novel and opened several accounts on Fanfiction.net but even that wasn’t enough to stave off boredom. Even starting a shipping war on the Legend of Korra forums couldn’t help him

Eldrad was . . . well Eldrad. He hadn’t moved from his spot in three weeks and spiders were starting to build webs on him. Like a cranky old man, he valued his privacy. And he was thinking of all those petite, nubile Tau Fire Warriors that he wasn’t screwing with yet.

Poor Azula was bored almost to tears. She’d even resorted to using his fire bending to create a little row of cancan dancers made of flame.

The row of cute little dancing fire men did little to amuse the fire princess, and freaking Aang wasn’t helping.

He alone seemed to be doing okay. “Hey Azula,” he asked smartly, “Want a candy cane? I just found out about them and they’re amazing. Especially peppermint!”

She's bored worse than her friend Mai

He held out a red and white candy cane in front of the Fire Princess—who was not amused.

“Oh no, Avatar Aang,” she declined politely, “Save it for later; you shove that right back up your ass.”

Aang was crestfallen for a moment before smiling brightly and taking two candy canes for himself. Hah! Silly Azula was missing out.

Jackie Estacado was totally miserable. He really liked sex, ever since he lost his virginity at fifteen to that slutty cop; despite the fact that after that his dick burned like fire and needed VD treatment. He still liked sex though now he was pickier about his partners.

When he found out that if he knocked up a woman with a male child he’d die, he nearly suicided out of grief. He was feeling that pain again. There was no playboy channel here, his darkness powers were locked up and the left hand was a poor substitute.

Now, he’d sunk so low that he was now preparing to proposition Alex Mercer for sex. “You!” he called but Alex didn’t respond.

“Yeah, I mean you, Mr. Child-molester.”

This got Alex’s attention, who looked up from his plate of asparagus and human hearts. The prototype and viral master made no reply.

“Yeah,” some of Jackie’s confidence waned but he went ahead anyway. “Listen, I read in the library thing that you could turn into people. If I paid you to turn into a hot woman, would you let me fuck you?”

Alex kept on glaring at Jackie with his sleepless eyes.

“And I mean I’m only paying if you turn into a full woman, all the way.” He could clearly see that he was in danger of Alex saying no so he made a few things clear. “Hey, I’m an important guy with bank accounts in Switzerland and the Caimans. I could make you rich with one phone call.”

Alex glared with the fiery intensity of a thousand Angi-Kai death matches.

Jackie however wasn’t stupid. “Hey, don’t look at me that way. It’s you, the fifteen year old Chinese girl or the Southern broad that sucks people’s life force out. Don’t even get me started on the bitch with the hoodie.”

“How dare you talk about Raven that way!” Alex snapped slamming a fist down on the table.

Jackie raised an eyebrow, “What is she, your fucking girlfriend?”

“No” said Alex, right before he put on his famous rape face. “I have darker plans for her.”

Awkward silence followed . . .

“Okay—I’m just gonna go,” said Jackie.

Yeah, Raven is not safe

Kerrigan was also bored out of her mind. She could only have Abathur change up her DNA so many times before it got old. And she’d kill herself if she got a new hairdo one more time.

Then all of a sudden, she started to feel a strange feeling. It was creeping up her spine like an army of marching ants.

Her eyes widened with fear and she broke into a cold sweat.

“No!” she shouted! Catching the attention of everyone in the cafeteria. “I’ve got Madness!” She began to scratch all over, as if to get rid of the invisible spiders. Then with a look of inexplicable glee she shouted, “I’ve got cabin fever!”

“I’ve got it too!” shouted the Doctor with utter happiness.

Suddenly Jackie, Alex and Captain Marvel all jumped in front of the camera and sang “CABIN FEVER!!!!!!!”

“I’ve got Cabin fever, it’s burning in my brain!” sang Dr. Strange, as he pulled out a rabbit from a hat.

“I’ve got cabin Fever, it’s driving me insane!” Dr. Fate sang as pulled off his helmet to reveal a troll face.

All of the contestants of the tournament of mortals were now lined up like cancan girls, even doomsday and Palpatine. They were all singing like a Jim Henson film.

We’ve got Cabin Fever, we’re flipping our bandannas

Been stuck here so long we’ve simply gone banannas!

The screen suddenly became full of static and nothing oculd be seen.

When the static stopped, Aang and Azula were standing together in a room decorated in Victorian style furniture. Aang was wearing a grey cardigan sweater, big black framed glasses and loafers. Azula meanwhile was wearing some kind of Goth/punk outfit. The two of them were singing!

“Your mother’s death taught me to accept that nothing ever lasts in this world

Foolish dreams can destroy a grown man, what chance has a seventeen year old girl!

Azula then sang back,

“I don’t know what I was thinking, there’s no sense in girlish dreaming,

I’m just seventeen, seventeen . . .

Azula then shouted, “And it’s better than forty!”

All of the sudden, the room was full of blinking strobe lights and loud music. Suddenly Azula began rock and rolling in full Gothic punk Lolita outfit.

“Seventeen! Mama drama's got to go, dad

Seventeen! Nothing's gonna bring her back

Seventeen! Experiment with something living

Seventeen! 'Cos I'm sweeter than 16!!!!”

Aang looked utterly bewildered as Azula sang; flamethrowers and smoke machines accompanied electric guitar riffs as Azula rocked out. In a fit of repressed rebelliousness, Azula took her electric guitar and smashed it over a giant subwoofer.

Screen change!

The screen was covered by static and when it cleared the Doctor was there.

“I’m not the Doctor,” he laughed before ripping off his face like a mask. “I’m Steve Blum!”

And then viewers were treated to the horrifying face of the most overrated voice actor ever.

“Steve Blum!”

Screen change!

I saw Saw, sang Aizen the crazy over powered villain from the bleach series; while dressed up like Jigsaw’s favorite puppet.

Accompanying him in this strange duet was Goku. I saw Saw too

Aizen smiled and picked up a rose, I saw Saw Two

Goku grinned and skipped over to Aizen, I saw Saw Two too

Aizen: I saw Saw Three

Goku pulled out a big cartoon bomb. I saw Saw Three, two, one!

KABOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!!

Screen Change!

Now Alex Mercer stood in the middle of a cathedral in front of a fireplace, while church music played in the background. Unlike Azula and Aang’s song, this was a smooth and soothing beat.

Give it up for the great Tony Jay!

“beata maria, you know I am a righteous man; of my virtue I am justly proud

Beata Maria, you know I’m so much purer than the common weak licentious crowd.

Alex began to turn and pace, as if in torment.

“Then tell me Maria, why I see her dancing there, why her smould’ring eyes still scorch my soul

At that, a version of Raven started to appear in the fire

I feel her, I see her, the sun caught in her raven hair is blazing me out of all control!

Alex threw off his hood as if the room grew hotter; consumed by his own lust.

“Like fire! Hellfire! This fire in my skin!

From out of his pocket he took a doll version of raven and cuddled it

“This burning desire, is turning me to sin!”

With a snarl, Alex threw aside the Raven doll.

His angsting however was interrupted when Gaston (everyone’s favorite long haired steroid jackass) kicked the door down and boomed, “No one sings hellfire like Gaston!”

Gaston sung his own version of hellfire while Alex glared daggers at him.

“Like fire,” he sang seductively, “Hellfire, this fire in my skin!” and on cue he ripped open his shirt to show his flaming hot body

Screen change!

This time, viewers were treated to a silhouette of Jackie Estacado, along with what almost seemed like lullaby music.

As the lights came on, Jackie was wearing a posh blue jacket and white slacks; the uniform of the Ouran Host Club.

Homophobes look away, I support gay marriage

In no time, Jackie was singing with the rest of the Host club providing backup. The normally rough and gritty Jackie now preened, perfumed and looking like a gigolo.

“It’s okay to be gay, let’s rejoice with the boys in the gay way!

Hooray for the kind of man you will find in the gay way!”

Then with that, Jackie and company began to sing and since in a way way that was well . . . gayer than an Easter egg.

Jackie held a rose in his teeth and smiled rakishly as he was carried by Tamaki Suou and Hikaru and Karous. The crew sang happily, gridingly gaily against each other.

“Hey man gay man pick up the soap

Get on your knees and pray

Hey man gay man

Release your load

You've got to cease to delay

The gay way”

At that moment, one Tychus Findlay teleported into the room where Jackie was doing his gay song and dance.

The bewildered ex-con and space marine spun around; the last thing he remembered was blowing himself up to avoid being eaten by that crazed maniac Alex Mercer. And now he was in Boi Toi land.

Tychus’s eyes widened as two Japanese highschool students made out in front of him; male students. The Southern fried spaceman winced and turned around, only to be greeted by the Hips of Jackie Estacado.

Jackie was dancing and prancing like only a fairy can, throwing back his sexy, black hair over his shoulder. Tychus’s horror multiplied a thousand fold when Jackie ran up and kissed him before singing more.

“Ooh, strong man, Queen of the balls

Some brotherly love is a pleasure for all

Come out, Open your eyes

It's a matter of size!”

Tychus didn’t see the rest of the song, nor did he catch a glimpse of the Doctor wearing a dress because he was outta here.

The mercenary ran screaming out of the room like a little girl and sprinting like a cheetah! “AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!”

Screen change!

Alarmingly enough, the next mind raping image to be shown to the viewers is one of Palpatine dressed like an Airbender. Waving his arms to the side, Palpatine giggled, “Be the leaf.”

Screen change!

Eldrad appeared next, though he wasn’t singing. The famous dickcheese of the Warhammer Universe sat in a seedy pub across from Prince Zuko of the fire nation. The bar was empty except for the two of them and the closed sign was up, so they’d have privacy.

Zutara is officially dead

“I don’t usually work with monk’eigh, but they said you’d make it worth my while,” he met Zuko’s own scarred gaze with his own impressive one; conveying the wisdom and dickishness of many thousands of years.

Saying nothing, Zuko threw a small bag across the table at Eldrad. “Does that satisfy you, farseer?”

Eldrad reached into the bag to pull out a pack of  yu-gi-oh! Signer cars. “Ah,” said the farseer with some satisfaction, “you have my attention.”

Zuko looked around, as if fearing a spy before explaining his situation to Eldrad. “The thing is, I’ve had my heart set on marrying Katara; but according to The Legend of Korra, that never happens.”

Eldrad was unreadable. “Go on.”

Zuko smiled a sinister smile, “So I’m thinking that Katara could use a little persuasion to choose me over Aang.”

“Aang is a far better choice than you,” Eldrad deadpanned.

Zuko slammed his fist down on the table. “The point is,” he took a deep breath and regained his composure, “Katara also loves her doofus brother Sokka and would do anything to see him stay out of harm’s way.” The prince smirked at the ancient space elf before him. “You’re the farseer. You’ve probably already seen my plan.”

Eldrad bowed his head in deep thought. “So you wish for me to frame Sokka for murder and have him thrown in jail and if Katara agrees to marry you, you will use you political influence to clear his name.”

Zuko smiled; looking very much like his sister Azula. “Do we have a deal?”

Eldrad put down the card pack. “You are asking me to ruin someone’s life and potentially crush their soul for the most petty of desires. Oh, that is despicable,” He shook his head as if to shame Zuko . . . but he could only keep a straight face for so long. Eldrad burst out laughing and plastered a savage grin on his face worthy of the dark Eldar, “I love it!”

Indeed, Eldrad had an ulterior motive for helping Zuko in his insane scheme. During a genestealer invasion, Sokka had made the mistake of eating Eldrad’s sandwich (which had his name on it) and thus Eldrad spent the rest of the day unable to take his pills because he hadn’t eaten anything. From that moment on he swore everlasting vengeance on Sokka; and now Zuko had unwittingly handed Eldrad that revenge on a silver platter.

Scene change!

It was back to musicals and now Superman was singing heavy metal while dressed like a pirate.

Hey! You’re banjaxed

Hey! You’re screwed

And Death is coming for you!

Trapped on an Island lost at sea

Shipwrecked your destiny!

Superman ran and jumped, looking like Jack Sparrow’s steroid cousin. Superman’s beard was long, his hair was tangled and the only thing normal about his was that infernal curl that the girls seemed to love.

Dressed like a pirate captain, Superman drank rum and sang on a deserted beach. Rum which was strong enough to blind Thor.

Shipwrecked!

Shipwrecked!

Get drunk or die! Superman sang while saving an adamantium cutlass and sword fighting Doomsday, who was also dressed in pirate garb.

Scene change!

Arthas the Lich King appeared before an audience, though he wore his evil helm he’d swapped his armor for a pair of slacks and a cardigan sweater.

Go on, get some ice cream and apple pie

“Goodmorning,” he greeted, “I’m Arthan Menthil and I’d like to talk to you for a few minutes about Diabeetus.”

Scene change!

Sarah Kerrigan sat in a French pub in the sixteenth century, while Aang stood by her.

Aang, I’m afraid I’ve been thinking, Sang the Zerg leader

The Avatar sang back, A dangerous pastime—

I know, Sarah sang back before grabbing Aang by his collar. But that wacky Tychus is Jim’s friend; and his Sanity’s only soso.

Aang gazed in bewilderment as Sarah spun her plan out for him.

Now the wheels in my head have been turning, since Jim Raynor cheated on me.

See I promised myself I’d be married to Jim Raynor and right now I’m evolving a plan! And she stood up to flash her wings

“Good news everyone!” said the Portal Master, “The tournament is resumed. My haiku is finished.” He then added with a chuckle, “And none of you are allowed to read it.”

At that, all of the contestants in the Tournament of Mortals sighed, shouted or otherwise felt relief. All except the Doctor, who was still standing there like a hairy armpit; dancing on the spot.

“What are you doing?” Azula asked the Doctor out of a mix of curiousity and disgust.

“I’m dancing to that song?” said the Doctor.

Azula blinked. The Timelord was out of his mind; this broken clock wasn’t even right twice a day. “What?”

“Well, you know,” the Doctor demonstrated, “Cabin Fever, ah! That!

Azula didn`t dignify that with a response. She just turned and walked away. The Doctor just stood there and danced on the spot; which he continued to do for another forty eight hours.

He was only shaken from his dancing when Doomsday and Goku teleported into the center of the main area. Goku was dead. Doomsday had beaten him. All fighters in the arena held their breath as they waited for the unrestrained doomsday to start beating the tar out of everyone.

Doomsday however had fought Goku  and in the end the Saiyan proved not to be up to the challenge.

Yet instead of turning around and killing everything in sight, Doomsday gave a creepy smile and spoke in an even creepier British accent that evoked the late voice actor Tony Jay. “We’ve got to have . . . ponies,” he said, dragging out the word related to small horsies. So he wasn’t only intelligent; he was also roaring, batshit crazy.

Now imagine Doomsday saying this

“Oh my gentle Jesus,” said Superman.

Thank you ladies and gentlemen! That is my homage/parody of the Tournament of Mortals, created by my wonderful buddy Marcus.

This was when he decided to put the Tournament on hold, so I naturally got the idea of every one of the fighters going mad and starting to sing.

I hope you enjoyed this and sorry if your favorite fighters weren’t in it. Alex Mercer sang Hellfire from the Hunchback of Notre Dame. Jackie Estacado sang It’s okay to be gay by Tomboy. Superman sang Shipwrecked by Alestorm. Aizen and Goku’s thing was a reference to a YouTube poop I saw once called Gaston and Frollo Get a Life. Azula Sang Seventeen from Repo the Genetic opera, despite the fact that she’s fifteen. Kerrigan was singing a piece from the Gaston song; her and Aang make a great duo. I think that covers it. Oh, and Arthas is doing Wilford Brimley.

Eldrad didn’t actually sing; instead he swore eternal vengeance on Sokka; who will be pounded by several large Earthbenders in prison. And by pounded I mean they threw rocks at him.

Have a nice day and check out my buddy’s writing of Aang vs Mewtwo :D