Deadliest Warrior: Anakin Skywalker vs. Sarah Kerrigan
Disclaimer: I do not own Star Wars or StarCraft or Deadliest Warrior. To answer your questions; Anakin in this version has gone to the Darkside but hasn’t yet become Darth Vader; so roughly after the massacre at the Jedi temple.
The screen shows a woman with mottled green carapace, razor sharp looking wings and a contemptuous look on her face.
The human/zerg hybrid who upon taking command of the Zerg Swarm made an entire galaxy tremble in fear
Announcer: Anakin Skywalker, once prophesized to bring balance to the force, he instead threw the galaxy into darkness and ushered an age of tyranny.
A stone faced Anakin dispassionately murders Jedi he once called friends as part of Palpatine’s Order 66; even the children are not spared.
Announcer: Once a child with telepathic powers, Sarah was abducted by the Confederacy and forged into an assassin.
A child Sarah kills her mother and cripples her father with an accidental psychic blast before the screen shows an adult Sarah in the outfit of the Ghost division of assassins.
Born on the Hutt controlled world of Tattooine, Anakin grew up as a simple slave boy before being discovered by Jedi Knight Qui-Jon Jinn.
Shows a scene of Anakin toiling for eighteen hours a day at Watto’s junks hop
Like Kerrigan, Anakin displayed psychic and force sensitive aptitude from an early age.
Anakin is shown racing a pod through the lucrative and highly lethal Boonta Pod Race event. A fellow racer crashed into a rocky outcropping and is killed.
Announcer: Both of these individuals tore their respective galaxies apart, but if they were to fight, who would be deadliest?
Computer expert Max Geiger operates the program which will allow us to decide.
Max turns around in his swivel chair. “I’ve had to adjust the program to account for Sarah’s psionic abilities and Anakin’s force powers. If nothing else it’ll be a spectacular show.”
Announcer: Former ER physician Armand Dorian will assess the damage inflicted on the bodies of the combatants.
Armand stands before a pig carcass. “Since one of these fighters is only half human, I’ve had to brush up on my knowledge of Zerg anatomy.”
And biomedical expert and karate black belt Geoff Desmoulins will measure the lethality of the weapons.
“These two have done it all,” says Geoff as he picks up a motion sensor. “They’ve broken necks, cut off heads and wiped out whole populations and planets. Neither of them is going to give an inch.”
Announcer: It’s a duel to the death between two of Science fiction’s greatest fallen heroes. A battle between a Queen of Monsters
Sarah Kerrigan dispassionately watches as the various monsters of the Zerg Swarm lay waste to an entire planet.
Vs. the enforcer of an empire
Anakin explodes through a wall panel and grabs a fleeing Jedi by the throat. Jedi younglings watch helplessly as Anakin strangles the adult Jedi.
A proud assassin
A still human Kerrigan fights her last stand against the zerglings before being assimilated.
Vs. A famous war hero
A still light side Anakin battles against innumerable battle droids during the clone wars.
Announcer: It’s a duel to the death, all in the quest to find out—
WHO
IS
DEADLIEST?
Announcer: Here in the fight club things are in high swing as two great practitioners of paranormal powers go toe to toe.
A brown haired man in Jedi attire spins and slashes with a lightsabre.
Obi-Wan Kenobi knows Anakin better than anyone else; he was Anakin’s master once upon a time.
Obi-Wan appears before the camera. “Before he turned to evil, Anakin was one of the most talented Jedi in the entire Jedi order. In terms of talent, he was nearly on par with Master Yoda and Master Windu. The only thing holding him back was his incredible arrogance.”
When it comes to Sarah Kerrigan, nobody knows her like former lawman and outlaw for hire Jim Raynor
A terran in his early thirties is shown disassembling and cleaning a futuristic rifle. He’s a hard looking man who’s seen much hardship in life.
“I wouldn’t underestimate Sarah,” Raynor says. “If this Anakin guy is as bold and blind as they make him out to be then he’s already set up to fail.
Announcer: Sharing a similar opinion to Raynor is Prelate Zeratul of the Protoss Dark Templars
A shrouded alien swings around a psionic blade with great skill.
“Sarah Kerrigan is feared across the galaxy and for good reason,” says the psychic alien. “Against her, men like Skywalker are only good as cannon fodder.”
Announcer: As the final team member of the Skywalker experts, Han Solo is a veteran smuggler and seasoned general. Having fought alongside the Jedi order for years, he is one of the foremost non force sensitive experts on Jedi.
Han appears before the camera. He’s gone grey now but the swagger and cheek hasn’t gone away. “I worked with Luke for years and for not nearly enough money,” the smuggler jokes. “If Luke’s dad is half as powerful as his kid is then no crazy lady with weird hair is going to stop him.”
Announcer: As per custom, our hosts make pre-game predictions.
Geoff goes first. “I’ve seen the power of the Jedi and I’ve seen the Sith in action during my time with the Canadian armed forces.”
“That kind of power and skill is hard to beat, even for someone like Sarah. My edge goes to Anakin.”
Max then appears. “When you slice it, Anakin or Darth Vader isn’t even the Devil; he’s the devil’s lackey,” he refers to Anakin and Vader’s subordinate status to Palpatine.
“Kerrigan was actually on the throne of her own personal empire; just based on the fact that she took control from the overminds I give this fight to her.”
Armand appears before the camera. His eyes are all red; he looks like he’s been crying. “I just heard that Max won’t be with us for season three,” he says in a hollow voice and then blows his nose noisily on a tissue.
Stats:
Anakin Skywalker
Weight-225 lbs.
Height-6’5’’
Weapons-The Force, lightsabre, thermal detonator, DC-15A Blaster Rifle
Time Frame-After Jedi temple massacre, before end of Episode III
Sarah Kerrigan
Weight-163 lbs.
Height-5’10’’
Weapons-psionic powers, bone wings, c-10 mk. VI Rifle, spider mine
Time Frame-approximately at the time of StarCraft II, think of around the time when Zeratul and Sarah had that epic cut scene.
Announcer: To get the ball rolling, we begin with perhaps our most flamboyant close range weapon yet, the bone wings!
The guys are standing around a giant post which demonstrates various parts of Kerrigan’s anatomy and how it differs from the human norm.
Jim Raynor uses a laser pointer to indicate the wings. “These are Sarah’s wings; while she can’t use them for flight more than one fool has lost his life to them.”
Zeratul explains further. “Kerrigan uses these “wings” to perform both slashing and stabbing manoeuvres. Made from the same carbon-heavy metal composite as the carapace of most zerg creatures, these wings can pierce through most Terran armour.”
Han Solo however is undaunted by the menacing bone wings. “You call those weapons? I use something like that to roast wieners at a family barbecue.”
Zeratul is highly pissed off at Solo, but refrains from decking him because he’s got the cool Dark Templar attitude. “Kerrigan is dangerous both as a field commander and as a hand to hand fighter; underestimating her leads to doom.”
Han still has to laugh. “Let’s go and see, shall we?”
Announcer: To test these highly specific weapons, Jim will be strapped with a cybernetic recreation of Kerrigan’s wings.
The camera shows Jim being strapped to a pair of animatronic wings coated in the same zerg exoskeleton as the real deal.
Flexing his shoulders, Jim manipulates the synthetic wings using a direct link to his neurons. Before him has been set up with a ballistics gel torso designed to simulate human flesh; his job will be to ruin it.
Jim stands before the dummy all combat ready.
Geoff stands with the sacred stop watch. “Jim, you attack in 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . KILL!”
Without a sound, the wings lunge forward and spear the dummy in all the places that kill instantly. It’s like the dummy just fell forward into a tight formation of spears.
Then the wings pull out of the dummy and swipe sideways. The dummy is cut into slices; like deli meat from hell it all falls to the ground.
As Geoff and the guys cheer, both Obi-Wan and Han look unimpressed.
The scene shifts to a desert setting full of dust and sunlight. Along a stretch of dirt road, a series of mailboxes have been set up. At the end of the stretch of road there is a pig carcass.
Obi-Wan is sitting on top of a motorcycle; the engine is hot and everything looks ready to go. In his hand, the old Jedi warrior holds his own personal lightsabre.
Geoff briefly explains to Obi-Wan how they’re going to do this test. “Okay Ben, what you’re going to do is ride down this stretch of road and I want you to cut down those mailboxes as fast as you can.” As he speaks, he attached motion and speed detectors to Obi-Wan’s arm and to the handle of his lightsabre.
Obi nods at the request. “That seems simple enough, Geoff.”
Before the test can begin, Obi-Wan puts on a pair of motorcycle goggles which make him look a little bit like T.E. Lawrence.
Geoff takes the stop watch and gives the countdown. “Obi, in 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . FIRE!”
Without further prompting, Obi-Wan revs the engine of his motorcycle and ignites his lightsabre. The smell of ozone briefly lingers with the scene of dust and exhaust fumes before the bike jumps forward, kicking up dust and gravel that hits Jim Raynor; who stood too close in trying to get a better look.
Obi-Wan speeds down the road at nearly sixty miles an hour and climbing. With a swing of his weapon, the first mailbox falls into two pieces. The second, third and fourth mailboxes all fall in the same fashion. The fourth one gets special treatment because Obi-Wan slices it twice before it hits the ground. Even on the last mailbox when his bike hits a pothole in the road, Obi-Wan doesn’t miss his target.
Announcer: To make things even, Jim will attempt to match Obi-Wan’s skills on the motorcycle.
Jim sits on the motorcycle with the synthetic wings. It’s not his old vulture hover bike but it’ll do.
Once the countdown is given, Jim speeds down the dirt road; only he hits the accelerator hard. The back wheel of Jim’s bike spins wildly and for a few scant seconds it skids nicely, throwing dust and gravel everywhere.
Then he too shoots forward on the motorcycle and unleashes devastation on a fresh set of mail boxes.
With lighting speed, the bone wings lash out and slice the mail boxes into pieces; fifths rather than halves.
Unlike Obi-Wan, Jim Raynor is lucky enough to not hit a pothole.
After the tests are done, the experts review the footage. One the screen of one laptop, Obi-Wan is shown slicing up a stationary pig carcass in slow motion.
Max observes about the wings. “They definitely have longer range than the lightsabre; not to mention that there are multiple points of penetration.”
Geoff holds the opposite position. “You’re right there but according to the high speed, the lightsabre cuts through the same substances faster than the wings do.”
“Not to mention that the lighsabre could easily slice through the wings,” says Armand.
While Max has a good point, the lightsabre once again makes itself known as the king of melee weapons.
Edge: Lightsabre
Announcer: But Team Kerrigan is not licked yet. To the table they bring powerful paranormal abilities. But will it be enough to overcome Anakin’s use of the force.
Zeratul starts by giving a rundown of psionic abilities. “Psionic are the ability of the mind to produce various phenomena beyond the pale of understanding.”
He continues. “At the age of eight, Sarah caused her own mother’s death with a freak psionic strike.”
Armand winces at that. “That’s harsh.”
Zeratul nods behind his veil and cloak. “Indeed, the strike also left her father brain damaged. Her potential was so great that the Terran Confederacy had to readjust their psionic ratings scale.”
As a demonstration of his own psionic powers, Zeratul charges the bracelets he wears and a green energy blade shoots out of it. Immediately, he cuts the flow of psionic energy and the blade vanishes. “As a ghost assassin, she was given conditioning and neural tampering to reduce her psionic powers for fear that she would not be controllable.”
Han adds in his two cents, because the old rogue just can’t help but steal the show. “Ancient religions and hokey tricks are fine, but from what I’ve seen not many things can beat one of those Jedi laser swords.”
Zeratul gives Han Solo a dirty look. “Clearly you have never seen a psionic storm in action.”
Razor Storm at 2:40 and Razor storm and Implode at 6:20
Announcer: To Test Kerrigan’s psionic devastation, Zeratul will utilize three of her psionic abilities: the psionic storm, implode and razor storm.
Psionic Storm at 6:30
Since these abilities are too dangerous for indoor testing, we’ll test them in a classified location
The camera pans over a stretch of rocky, desert terrain from when they tested the RPG and flamethrower in the IRA vs. Taliban episode. The crew and guests are standing behind a table full of testing equipment. Protecting them from harm is a giant sheet of bulletproof glass.
Zeratul stands before the group. About thirty meters away from Zeratul is a hotdog stand minus the vendor. In place of the vendor is a foam dummy with a brain designed to simulate an organic mind. Shock patches on the forehead of the dummy will tell if a psychic blast killed or merely stunned.
Geoff gives the instructions to Zeratul. “Okay, you are to dish out your psychic attacks ranging from weakest to most powerful. We want you to do as much damage as as fast as possible.”
This time Max takes up the stop watch. “Zeratul, are you ready?”
Zeratul stomps the ground like a bull ready to charge.
“In 3 . . . 2 . . .1 . . . . FIRE!”
First, Zeratul unleashes the razor storm. Thrusting out his hand, dozens and then hundreds of energy barbs form in his palm and then flying out in crazy eight patterns.
Almost immediately, the razors fly out at the hotdog stand and start perforating everything. It’s doing the same damage as a battalion of men with machine guns.
The destructive force of the razors is sending mustard and ketchup flying everywhere.
Then Zeratul unleashes the implode attack. Using his considerable powers, Zeratul summons a localized gravity distortion that picks up the hotdog stand and dummy vendor and crushes it in the first of a few thousand G’s.
The imploding hotdog stand showers wieners and hotdog buns everywhere and the guys have to duck to avoid being hit by flying tube steaks.
Now, for the piece de resistance,
Calling on the forces of darkness that all Dark Templars are trained to control and tap into, the psychic alien unleashes the psionic storm. A giant shockwave of blue energy originates from Zeratul and spreads out in all directions. The hosts are only spared because the glass they hide behind is specially shielded from psionic disruptions.
To the hosts, that was like the best fireworks display ever and they’re whooping and hollering like kids at the carnival. Han Solo looks a bit more impressed but Obi-Wan merely crosses his arms and looks unimpressed.
As per usual, Armand takes point to examine the wounds. Stepping over stray wieners and piles of coleslaw and onions, Armand finally makes it to the dummy.
He points to the body. “It would take me all day to count these wounds,” indicating the vast amount of fake blood on the ground. “Strangely enough the head seems untouched.
“Yeah,” says Jim Raynor. “But every single other organ in his body except for his tongue has been ventilated. He’s not going anywhere.”
“Sure, I’ll give you guys a call when we need fireworks for my kid’s birthday,” mocks Han.
Jim shoots the smuggler a dirty look.
Armand continues the examination. “Well, while the psionic storm was impressive and totally fried this guy’s brain like an egg, it didn’t even touch the hotdog stand.”
“The psionic storm leaves buildings and vehicles untouched while ignoring armour of all types,” explains Zeratul.
On Max’s computer, high speed footage reveals something very interesting about the implosion. “According to the gravity meters, the g force didn’t become lethal until at least three seconds into it and even then the hotdog stand took the brunt of the attack. The dummy was hardly touched.” The computer whiz explains.
Again, Zeratul is there to fill in the blanks. “The implosion is a technique usually reserved for dispatching buildings and armoured units.
Announcer: For Anakin’s side, Obi-Wan will be deploying force choke, animal befriend and Sith Lightning.
0:24 force lightning,
Force choke, keep in mind that the guy on the screen is over a kilometre away from Vader Physically
At around 5:30 Anakin tames the big horned guy, who is trained to kill all in its path. Better than I can do.
As before, a foam dummy has been set up, all dressed up in a generic fast food uniform. A brand new hotdog stand has been set up with a fresh supply of mustard, relish and buns.
The first test shall be of the animal befriend move, normally associated with the light side.
Max asks about what Obi-Wan plans to do. “So you just pull a Tarzan for this?”
Obi-Wan doesn’t catch the earth popular culture reference but tries to explain as best he can. “This is about connection, a Jedi knight taps into the natural forces for purposes of defense and knowledge.”
“Ain’t nothing natural about Kerrigan and her horde of mutants,” injects Jim Raynor.
Obi-Wan, unlike other hosts bears the opposition no malice. “I perfectly understand that, however; to fully demonstrate this ability I’ve arranged for a live hydralisk to be brought in.”
On cue, a giant cage is toed in by a giant truck. Inside the cage, something huge and deadly with sharp fangs hisses and fights to get free.
“Are you insane,” hisses Raynor!
Obi-Wan attempts to calm down good old Jim. “At east, sir. I have the situation well in hand.”
With a wave of his hand, Obi-Wan uses the force to open the latch on the cage and the hydralisk slithers out. A creature of purely bone, teeth and killer instinct; the hydralisk looks like it was designed by HR Geiger and the freaks behind the Oddworld games.
Immediately, the slavering beast sets its eyes on the soft looking humans. Max cowers behind Geoff and Geoff cowers behind Armand. Han and Jim both pull out side arms while Zeratul snaps his energy sword on.
Before anybody can shoot the hydralisk though, the beast suddenly speeds towards the foam dummy. The dummy lasts all of three seconds before the hydralisk goes psycho on it; it’s like the dummy owes the hydralisk money or something.
Then to everyone’s shock, the giant worm like beast uses its scythe like forearms and begins to prepare a hotdog. Delicately, it places a wiener in a bun without cutting the wiener and then starts to smother it in mustard and ketchup before sprinkling onions and sauerkraut. With the same unexpected dexterity, the hydralisk prepares three more hotdogs.
Taking the prepared hotdogs, the hydralisk takes them on the flat of its blade arms like a waiter carrying drinks and then deposits them on the table full of equipment; scaring the living daylights out of Max.
As a finisher, the hydralisk runs back into the cage and Obi-Wan locks it wish his powers. Only then does the hydralisk come to and start to try and break out again. The cage is immediately loaded into the back of the truck and that’s the end of that.
Geoff stares down at the still warm hotdogs. “You just made a hydralisk serve us hotdogs.”
Obi-Wan nods and smiles. “Indeed, the zerg are shown to be vulnerable to psionic influence when isolated from their minders; it isn’t much of a stretch to utilize the force in a far more effective way.”
Announcer: With a new Dummy set up, Obi-Wan continues to demonstrate the power of the force.
A new dummy stands there behind the hotdog stand. On cue, Obi-Wan holds up his hand and the dummy slowly rises off the ground. Then, Obi-Wan starts to clench his hand.
On the throat of the dummy there are three pressure pads. The first pressure pad turns red, the weakest one. Not long afterwards, the second pad turns red.
At last, the third and strongest pressure pad turns red and the throat of the dummy collapses as if kicked in by an invisible boot.
The camera cuts to Armand examining the three pads on the neck of the dummy. “The first pressure pad indicates that air and blood flow are being cut off. At this setting alone, he’d be dead in fifteen seconds at least.”
As an expert Martial artist, Geoff points out. “With a skilled fighter, a man can be brought unconscious with just eight seconds.”
Armand indicates the second patch. “At this patch, the windpipe would have been cracked.” Then his trained finger lands on the last patch. “By this one, we’re looking at crushed vertebrae in the neck; instant kill.”
Obi-Wan speaks more on the usefulness of this ability. “A dark side power, the force choke only requires intense concentration and a visual of the target. With the aid of a hologram or even a photograph, a dark side assassin can force choke a target half a planet away.”
Jim bursts Obi-Wan’s bubble. “Sorry, but if Kerrigan is half a planet away, then that’s because you’ll have a half billion strong Zerg army breathing down your neck.”
“Good luck concentrating with that,” laughs Han. He may not support Kerrigan in this but he doesn’t hesitate to rib force users in general, the crazy bastards.
For the final test, Obi-Wan will shoot the dummy with force lightening; a talent reserved among the higher practitioners of the dark side.
Geoff gives the countdown. “Obi, you go in 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . ZAP HIM!”
Obi-Wan raises his hand . . . and loses his nerve. “I’m sorry, I just cannot do this.”
Everybody is crestfallen, even Zeratul looked like he was looking forward to seeing some lightning.
“What do you mean, you can’t do this?” Geoff demands.
“I can’t do it,” says Obi-Wan. “I simply cannot lower myself to perform such a distasteful dark side power. Can’t you simply call up a dark side expert?”
“We can’t do that,” explains Max. “We’re on a schedule and there isn’t anybody available who can do the force lightning; it’s all up to you.”
Obi-Wan shakes his head, not noticing Han Solo sneaking up behind him. “I simply cannot must the necessary rage to complete this technique. It is not just in my nature.”
However at that moment, Han Solo takes a giant wooden paddle with holes drilled into it and he spanks Obi-Wan across the ass with it as hard as he can.
Taken off guard by this, Obi-Wan screams in pain and involuntarily unleashes a barrage of force lightning which strikes both the hotdog stand and the hotdog vendor.
\angrily, Obi-Wan spins around and looks at Han like he just wants to deck him. Han merely smirks that charming smirk and leans the paddle over his shoulder. Even for a peaceful man like Obi-Wan, all that’s needed is the proper motivation.
At the computer table, Max reads the data sent from his instruments before the force lightning fried them. “Well, according to this the dummy has exactly one and a quarter seconds before the equipment was fried.”
The group all walk up to the stand to smell the scene of charred wieners. The red and yellow umbrella over the hotdog stand is now totally incinerated; nothing left but a charred umbrella skeleton. There is a pile of hotdog buns that are burning like the Olympic flame although the ketchup and mustard appear mostly intact. The dogs themselves are a charred mess and the dummy looks no better.
A casual observer would think that lightning hit here. Armand inspects a gauge on the side of the dummy. “According to this baby, this dummy suffered a shock of at least two million volts. He’s looking at tissue damage, stopping of the heart and extreme pain; he’s dead.”
Zeratul points out the weakness of force lightning. “High voltage it may be, but this petty power is low current; Kerrigan would easily shrug it off.”
Back at the fight club, the guys discuss psionics vs. the Force. “The implode attack was definitely the most lethal attack,” says Max.
“True, but it took at least three seconds to kill a human target; for Anakin that may as well be a month,” Geoff points out.
“Another thing to consider is the ease with which Obi-Wan took control of the hydralisk,” Armand raises a point. “During battle, turning a hydralisk against Kerrigan may well affect the outcome.”
“Ultimately, those psionic techniques were good for heavily armoured terrans or vehicles, but against a fast Jedi they’d be less effective,” Geoff sums up.
It’s a close call but eventually the gang reach a consensus.
Edge: Force Powers.
Announcer: It’s two for two for team Skywalker but there is still a fortune to be won and lost and Team Kerrigan are bringing their A-game.
The camera then shows Zeratul wildly and passionately playing the drums. The Dark Templar works wonders with the drumsticks as he plays out the drum solo from Led Zeppelin’s Moby Dick. Everyone is impressed as the psychic alien goes loco on the drum kit.
Not to be outdone, Han Solo pulls out the electric guitar and starts shredding licks. Unfortunately, as Han starts playing out the guitar solo from Iron Maiden’s Aces High, one of the guitar strings snaps in half and he must cease rocking. “Ah, damn it.” Han curses.
Obi-Wan gently pats Han on the shoulder. “It’s alright old man; your rocking days are long gone.” He gently ribs his companion. It’s his way of getting back at Han for the paddle thing.
Han just grumbles at the Jedi but goes to change the snapped guitar string.
Announcer: And onto the firing range!
This time, Han Solo and Jim Raynor are taking the lead. Each of the two rogues are holding a formidable looking gun.
Jim holds up his weapon. “The c-10 mark six rifle, easily one of the best weapons known in the Terran Confederacy.”
Never one to be outdone, Han holds up his weapon. “The DC-15A blaster rifle, the smuggler’s choice for shooting law enforcement and other smugglers.”
Geoff looks around at the rugged desert terrain. “Gentlemen, your job is to prove that your gun is deadliest and in this random desert you can go nuts.”
This news sounds like good news for both Han and Jim.
Announcer: For a comparison, a targeting range has been set up and Jim and Han will be times to see who takes down the targets first.
Han and Jim have been set up on two parallel ranges. Each one has five targets, three of which are mobile. The dummies that Han is shooting at are dressed up in the armour of the Terran confederacy while Jim’s targets are decked out in clone trooper armour.
The smuggler and the mercenary are both lying down on the ground; each of their weapons is propped up on a bipod.
Very quickly, the motorized dummies start rolling and it’s not long before Max gives the countdown. “Experts, in 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . FIRE!”
Almost simultaneously, Han and Jim pull the triggers of their respective weapons. A thunderous bang comes from the barrel of Jim’s sniper rifle. The energy charged bullet explodes from out of it cartridge, travels down the barrel and begins to zoom towards the first dummy in bullet time.
The effect is devastating; the energy infused projectile goes right through the head of a mobile dummy and then goes right through a giant metal tank obstacle before finally going right through the chest of another dummy.
By contrast, Han’s gun lets off a barrage of blaster bolts that vaporize one dummy on wheels. The foam construct melts like it’s been put in a giant microwave but Han doesn’t spend time admiring his kill; almost immediately he’s firing at the other dummies.
As Han targets the mobile dummies, he shoots right through the metal tank obstacles, cutting them right in half.
At the same time, Jim Raynor is reloading his gun. He loses valuable time to Han doing this. The slow moving dummies and stationary ones are no match for the marksmanship of Solo and Raynor and in under a minute there’s nothing left but ruin.
Just when Jim and his rival think it’s over when a little surprise shows up to greet them. A giant hydralisk explodes from a hidden trap door in the desert and charges straight at the two men. It’s the very same hydralisk that Obi-Wan controlled using animal befriend.
Before the beast can make sliced deli meat of the men, they open up with a furious force. A barrage of blaster bolts strikes the hydralisk in the chest and blows off a scythe tipped arm. Stopped dead in its tracks but not dead, the creature hisses in pain.
Meanwhile, Jim Raynor flips his weapon into full automatic mode and unleashes holy hell. The rain of bullets strikes the hydralisk and blows it apart like a Slurpee hitting a car windshield on the highway. A single bullet would have killed it; Han’s blaster fire would have ended the monster in seconds but Jim Raynor knows that when it comes to zerg there is no such thing as overkill.
Standing over the remains of the hydralisk and the ruined dummies, there simply isn’t enough left over for Armand to examine so the experts turn to high speed camera footage. Max’s computer screen immediately shows footage of Han and Jim shooting their weapons.
Geoff points at the screen. “I notice that Jim gets quite a bit of recoil from his gun, even with the bipod; Han has none whatsoever.”
“I noticed that Jim lost valuable time to reload; given that the blaster has a clip size of five hundred at minimum power it gives him a real edge,” says Armand.
Max however points out the flaws in their arguments. “That’s true, but Jim made up time for reloading by switching his weapon to full automatic.”
He scrolls through the footage to find images of Jim killing the hydralisk. “Also, his weapon did much more damage to the hydralisk than the DC-15A; not to mention that his gun has a maximum range two kilometers longer than the clone trooper weapon.”
It takes much sifting through data and discussion but eventually Geoff voices the group’s opinion. “While it was a close match, the c-10 takes the edge because it’s much deadlier on the first shot, able to kill a tank crew inside of a vehicle with a single shot.”
Edge: c-10 mark VII
Announcer: When it comes to war, both Anakin and Sarah bring on the fireworks with these lethal explosives: the spider mine and the thermal detonator.
Once more this round of testing is taken up by the resident non force sensitive and non-psionic. Han Solo has a small spherical object in his hand and he tosses it up and down nonchalantly. Jim stands next to a box of mines which look rather ordinary except for the fact that they have four stubby legs attached to them. Each spider mine is roughly the size of a hub cap and Jim holds up one high for the camera.
Jim explains his weapon first. “This here is the spider mine, one of the few technologies left over from The Long sleep.”
“This is a self-directed area denial ordinance. They dig themselves into the ground and then cover themselves up, after that a motion detector causes the mine to dig itself out where it will run over to the target and kill it.”
Jim hefts the mine into one hand and starts to throw it up and down like a Frisbee. “The mines are also capable of sharing sensory information, making it harder to navigate through a minefield.”
Obi-Wan looks over the design of the spider man. “Such a crude design,” he remarks as he examines the mine’s stubby legs. It doesn’t look like this thing could run very fast.
Han just laughs at Jim’s choice of explosive weapon. “Nice Joy Jim,” he taunts. “I think I saw a crate of those when Jabba the Hutt was having a yard sale.”
Zeratul points to the hand held bomb that Han is holding. “And what do you call this device?”
The old smuggler flashes his trademark smile and extolls the virtue of the thermal detonator. “This is the thermal detonator and I love it because it’s been outlawed by over a dozen interstellar governments for more years than anybody can shake a stick at.”
Han turns the device over in his hand and holds his thumb to the activator control. “Everything that’s good in life is illegal, always remember that.”
“That’s a nice Christmas ornament,” Jim Raynor mocks, “but our device has got a lot more of a kick to it.”
Han scoffs at this. “Yeah right, after seeing a field of spider mines fight each other like brawlers at a hoverball match I think I’ll stick with the thermal detonator.”
At this, Obi-Wan grabs the thermal detonator from Han’s hands and starts to explain it a bit himself. “The thermal detonator contains a synthetic element called baradium, which when exposed to a short burst of energy undergoes fission and explodes.”
“Not only does it produce a great deal of heat but the radioactive cascade that’s formed is highly effective against shields and droids.”
Zeratul sees the flaw in Obi-Wan’s logic. “The Zerg use neither shields nor droids. Their dense exoskeletons provide them enormous shielding from radiation and zerg armies have been recorded patrolling in radioactive hot areas as little as two weeks after an atomic detonation.”
Ever the sportsman, Obi-Wan is willing to put their weapons to the test. “Well then my dark friend; let’s determine which weapon is most effective.”
Back at the desert testing area, Jim Raynor is seen burying a spider mine. Several mounds in the arid soil indicate that there are over a dozen spider mines present. Not long afterwards, Jim Raynor grabs his shovel and runs over to the testing area.
Announcer: As a target, a dummy on a Vulture hover bike will sacrifice itself for the viewer’s pleasure.
The dummy in question doesn’t seem to be any ordinary dummy; rather, it seems to be Buster from Mythbusters. The Deadliest Warrior crew ran out of foam dummies so they gave Jamie and Adam a call.
The camera does a close-up of Buster on the vulture, with Jamie and Adam standing on either side of the hover bike. Jamie stands with the same expression behind his walrus moustache while Adam wears a Terran Soldier’s helmet and impersonates Zeratul. (Said in deep Protoss type voice) “Buster, I have pierced the veil of the future and I have seen oblivion . . . for you, have fun.”
Buster sits on the hover bike and Jamie speaks into the camera. “Don’t do this at home, we’re what you all “professionals.”
Geoff gives the countdown. “Alright, in 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . CHARGE!”
Immediately, the vulture swoops forward in the direction of the spider mines. When the fast moving vehicle is within thirty feet of the mines, they spring into action. Like a striking predator, one of the mines pops out of the earth and runs at the bike with greater than its stubby legs would seem capable of.
In an instant, a colossal explosion rocks the world and the vulture along with the dummy are blown to bits. The Mythbusters howl and cheer as chunks of Buster land here and yonder.
Before anyone can speak though, something unexpected happens. From out of the desert the Wiley Coyote is chasing the roadrunner. The roadrunner happily beep-beeps and leads the coyote along on a merry chase.
The roadrunner runs along the buried mines but nothing happens, Wiley isn’t so lucky. A dozen spider mines come out of the ground and detonate on the poor coyote. The air is filled with the smell of barbecued coyote and in a split second, Wiley’s barbecues head lands right next to Buster’s.
It’s a gruesome sight that makes even Zaratul’s eyes widen.
The camera shifts to the roadrunner. “Beep-beep,” Goes the bird, before giving the middle finger to the coyote’s charred remains. Then with a hop, the mischievous and possibly sadistic bird is gone.
Announcer: As twisted as that was, the show must go on!
Three rigs have been set up as three wooden cut-outs. One rig had a silver sphere hanging from it; a thermal detonator.
On a rig ten feet away is a pig carcass, the closest naturally occurring analogue to human flesh. On another rig ten more feet away is a second pig carcass. After that spaced out ten feet each are a series of wooden cut-outs shaped like humanoids. They will be there to measure any shrapnel generated by the bomb.
Some distance away, Obi-Wan holds up a remote control detonator for the bomb.
As an afterthought, Geoff sets up an old washing machine
At last, it’s time for the countdown to begin. Max holds the stopwatch. “Obi, are you ready?”
“Affirmative,” shouts Obi-Wan, who earlier took the time to demonstrate to everyone the proper technique for putting on safety goggles.
“In 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . BLOW IT!”
Obi-Wan presses the button and then magic happens. For a split second it’s just a silvery sphere, then the thermal detonator goes up in a flash of bright light and concussive force. Dust is thrown everywhere and the desert soil is melted into glass.
The nearest pig carcass doesn’t stand a chance. At first there is a flash as the fat in the pig’s skin catches fire, then the whole thing just blows apart in a huge cloud of ash. The head is so intense that even the bones of the pig don’t survive.
At a distance of thirty feet away, three of the wooden cut-outs combust and if they were human they’d be running around screaming and rolling on the ground.
The team goes to inspect the damage. Armand looks at the melted rig that holds the first pig. “This guy is dead. If he’s alive after being burned to cinders then he’d automatically win any matchup or fight.”
They go to examine the second pig. The whole thing is blackened and it hardly even looks like a pig anymore. Armand pokes at the pig and immediately recoils; the burnt pig flesh is still very hot.
Cursing himself for his foolishness, Armand goes into his medical kit and beings to pull out scissors, scalpel and tongs.
He takes a pair of scissors and then indicates the eyes of the pig, or where eyes were before the whole thing went up in smoke like election promises. “The initial flash would have charbroiled the eyes in their sockets; not fatal but crippling and painful.”
Armand then begins to open up the pig carcass. The pleasant smell of bacon is everywhere and everyone present just seems to be enjoying it.
Finally comes Armand’s assessment. “Well, this guy doesn’t just have third degree burns. He has fourth degree burns.” The good doctor elaborates, “That’s where the muscle itself is cooked under the skin.”
Han nods at this. “That’s why clone troopers and modern stormies wear the white armour; it saves ‘em from thermal heat blasts.”
“The doctor’s not done talking yet,” says Jim.
After examining the bodies further Armand reaches a verdict. “Well, it’s definitely a lethal weapon; my only concern with it is that it creates no shrapnel damage.”
He points at the now blackened wooden figures. “Those figures are damaged but the level of fire damage is not lethal. With a shrapnel grenade none of those men would be walking.”
Back at the fight club, the three hosts review the data of the final weapon.
“I love the thermal detonator,” says Max as he picks up a plate of roasted pork chops.
“Agreed,” says Geoff, who swallows a bite of pork. “The thermal detonator made this meat extra tender but I’ll have to give it to the spider mine due to the shrapnel damage and greater blast radius
Armand takes a bite of a vegetarian sandwich, no pork for him.
Suddenly, somebody shouts “Rogue mine! Look out!”
Everyone suddenly hits the deck as a rogue spider mine runs across the table. There is no telling when the malignant machine will blow.
Obi-Wan is about to use the force on the awful device but Zeratul beats him to the punch. A cloud of deep blackness encloses around the mine . . . and then there’s no sign of it anywhere.
Obi-Wan turns and smiles at Zeratul. “Nice save, my dark friend.”
Zeratul graciously bows his head towards Obi-Wan. “No need for thanks, Jedi Knight Obi-Wan Kenobi.”
Announcer: With the testing complete, the moment of truth has arrived.
Max gives a short laydown of the battle. “Much like we did with the Attila and Alexander match, each fighter will have two elite guards with them. Anakin will have two clone troopers and Kerrigan will have two hydralisks.”
Suddenly Zeratul appears from behind Max in his customary cloud of shadow. “Your computer simulation will be inaccurate, you must construct additional pylons.”
“Go away!” yells Max. “We’ve got enough pylons here without your help!”
At last, after shooing away Zeratul, Max hits the enter button and the game begins.
Simulation:
