Tournament of Morals: The Delayed Parody

Attention: The following is a parody of the facebook competition known as the Tournament of Mortals. I am not the creator of the tournament but enjoy this homage on my part.

Boring.

Boring.

Boring

…

…

Boring!

That was the word that would best describe how things were going at the Tournament of Mortals. Everybody was just so goddamned, irrevocably and unhelpably, unspeakably bored.

It all began three weeks ago when the goddamn Portal Master decided to put the entire tournament on hold just so that he could work on a haiku.

Fucking bastard and his haikus

Honestly, what fucking guy takes three weeks and counting to write a haiku?

The library of Babel was off limits, nobody could fight anybody or hurt one another, the magic fires were shut down so there was nothing good to watch. Everyone tried to make the best of their time but as the days dragged on they found their patience, enthusiasm and their sanity slipping.

Currently, Superman was off in a corner, peeling potatoes. What he was going to do with those potatoes or why, nobody fucking knew. Superman was just peeling potatoes; he’d already done about a hundred of them and showed no sign of stopping.

The Doctor kind of . . . twitched past; like a speed freak or one of the twitcher necromorphs from Dead Space. The ADD alien wasn’t handling well all this damn linear time very well. He hadn’t slept in two weeks and he’d utterly given up on hygiene. He’d already written a million page long novel and opened several accounts on Fanfiction.net but even that wasn’t enough to stave off boredom. Even starting a shipping war on the Legend of Korra forums couldn’t help him

Eldrad was . . . well Eldrad. He hadn’t moved from his spot in three weeks and spiders were starting to build webs on him. Like a cranky old man, he valued his privacy. And he was thinking of all those petite, nubile Tau Fire Warriors that he wasn’t screwing with yet.

Poor Azula was bored almost to tears. She’d even resorted to using his fire bending to create a little row of cancan dancers made of flame.

The row of cute little dancing fire men did little to amuse the fire princess, and freaking Aang wasn’t helping.

He alone seemed to be doing okay. “Hey Azula,” he asked smartly, “Want a candy cane? I just found out about them and they’re amazing. Especially peppermint!”

She's bored worse than her friend Mai

He held out a red and white candy cane in front of the Fire Princess—who was not amused.

“Oh no, Avatar Aang,” she declined politely, “Save it for later; you shove that right back up your ass.”

Aang was crestfallen for a moment before smiling brightly and taking two candy canes for himself. Hah! Silly Azula was missing out.

Jackie Estacado was totally miserable. He really liked sex, ever since he lost his virginity at fifteen to that slutty cop; despite the fact that after that his dick burned like fire and needed VD treatment. He still liked sex though now he was pickier about his partners.

When he found out that if he knocked up a woman with a male child he’d die, he nearly suicided out of grief. He was feeling that pain again. There was no playboy channel here, his darkness powers were locked up and the left hand was a poor substitute.

Now, he’d sunk so low that he was now preparing to proposition Alex Mercer for sex. “You!” he called but Alex didn’t respond.

“Yeah, I mean you, Mr. Child-molester.”

This got Alex’s attention, who looked up from his plate of asparagus and human hearts. The prototype and viral master made no reply.

“Yeah,” some of Jackie’s confidence waned but he went ahead anyway. “Listen, I read in the library thing that you could turn into people. If I paid you to turn into a hot woman, would you let me fuck you?”

Alex kept on glaring at Jackie with his sleepless eyes.

“And I mean I’m only paying if you turn into a full woman, all the way.” He could clearly see that he was in danger of Alex saying no so he made a few things clear. “Hey, I’m an important guy with bank accounts in Switzerland and the Caimans. I could make you rich with one phone call.”

Alex glared with the fiery intensity of a thousand Angi-Kai death matches.

Jackie however wasn’t stupid. “Hey, don’t look at me that way. It’s you, the fifteen year old Chinese girl or the Southern broad that sucks people’s life force out. Don’t even get me started on the bitch with the hoodie.”

“How dare you talk about Raven that way!” Alex snapped slamming a fist down on the table.

Jackie raised an eyebrow, “What is she, your fucking girlfriend?”

“No” said Alex, right before he put on his famous rape face. “I have darker plans for her.”

Awkward silence followed . . .

“Okay—I’m just gonna go,” said Jackie.

Yeah, Raven is not safe

Kerrigan was also bored out of her mind. She could only have Abathur change up her DNA so many times before it got old. And she’d kill herself if she got a new hairdo one more time.

Then all of a sudden, she started to feel a strange feeling. It was creeping up her spine like an army of marching ants.

Her eyes widened with fear and she broke into a cold sweat.

“No!” she shouted! Catching the attention of everyone in the cafeteria. “I’ve got Madness!” She began to scratch all over, as if to get rid of the invisible spiders. Then with a look of inexplicable glee she shouted, “I’ve got cabin fever!”

“I’ve got it too!” shouted the Doctor with utter happiness.

Suddenly Jackie, Alex and Captain Marvel all jumped in front of the camera and sang “CABIN FEVER!!!!!!!”

“I’ve got Cabin fever, it’s burning in my brain!” sang Dr. Strange, as he pulled out a rabbit from a hat.

“I’ve got cabin Fever, it’s driving me insane!” Dr. Fate sang as pulled off his helmet to reveal a troll face.

All of the contestants of the tournament of mortals were now lined up like cancan girls, even doomsday and Palpatine. They were all singing like a Jim Henson film.

We’ve got Cabin Fever, we’re flipping our bandannas

Been stuck here so long we’ve simply gone banannas!

The screen suddenly became full of static and nothing oculd be seen.

When the static stopped, Aang and Azula were standing together in a room decorated in Victorian style furniture. Aang was wearing a grey cardigan sweater, big black framed glasses and loafers. Azula meanwhile was wearing some kind of Goth/punk outfit. The two of them were singing!

“Your mother’s death taught me to accept that nothing ever lasts in this world

Foolish dreams can destroy a grown man, what chance has a seventeen year old girl!

Azula then sang back,

“I don’t know what I was thinking, there’s no sense in girlish dreaming,

I’m just seventeen, seventeen . . .

Azula then shouted, “And it’s better than forty!”

All of the sudden, the room was full of blinking strobe lights and loud music. Suddenly Azula began rock and rolling in full Gothic punk Lolita outfit.

“Seventeen! Mama drama's got to go, dad

Seventeen! Nothing's gonna bring her back

Seventeen! Experiment with something living

Seventeen! 'Cos I'm sweeter than 16!!!!”

Aang looked utterly bewildered as Azula sang; flamethrowers and smoke machines accompanied electric guitar riffs as Azula rocked out. In a fit of repressed rebelliousness, Azula took her electric guitar and smashed it over a giant subwoofer.

Screen change!

The screen was covered by static and when it cleared the Doctor was there.

“I’m not the Doctor,” he laughed before ripping off his face like a mask. “I’m Steve Blum!”

And then viewers were treated to the horrifying face of the most overrated voice actor ever.

“Steve Blum!”

Screen change!

I saw Saw, sang Aizen the crazy over powered villain from the bleach series; while dressed up like Jigsaw’s favorite puppet.

Accompanying him in this strange duet was Goku. I saw Saw too

Aizen smiled and picked up a rose, I saw Saw Two

Goku grinned and skipped over to Aizen, I saw Saw Two too

Aizen: I saw Saw Three

Goku pulled out a big cartoon bomb. I saw Saw Three, two, one!

KABOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!!

Screen Change!

Now Alex Mercer stood in the middle of a cathedral in front of a fireplace, while church music played in the background. Unlike Azula and Aang’s song, this was a smooth and soothing beat.

Give it up for the great Tony Jay!

“beata maria, you know I am a righteous man; of my virtue I am justly proud

Beata Maria, you know I’m so much purer than the common weak licentious crowd.

Alex began to turn and pace, as if in torment.

“Then tell me Maria, why I see her dancing there, why her smould’ring eyes still scorch my soul

At that, a version of Raven started to appear in the fire

I feel her, I see her, the sun caught in her raven hair is blazing me out of all control!

Alex threw off his hood as if the room grew hotter; consumed by his own lust.

“Like fire! Hellfire! This fire in my skin!

From out of his pocket he took a doll version of raven and cuddled it

“This burning desire, is turning me to sin!”

With a snarl, Alex threw aside the Raven doll.

His angsting however was interrupted when Gaston (everyone’s favorite long haired steroid jackass) kicked the door down and boomed, “No one sings hellfire like Gaston!”

Gaston sung his own version of hellfire while Alex glared daggers at him.

“Like fire,” he sang seductively, “Hellfire, this fire in my skin!” and on cue he ripped open his shirt to show his flaming hot body

Screen change!

This time, viewers were treated to a silhouette of Jackie Estacado, along with what almost seemed like lullaby music.

As the lights came on, Jackie was wearing a posh blue jacket and white slacks; the uniform of the Ouran Host Club.

Homophobes look away, I support gay marriage

In no time, Jackie was singing with the rest of the Host club providing backup. The normally rough and gritty Jackie now preened, perfumed and looking like a gigolo.

“It’s okay to be gay, let’s rejoice with the boys in the gay way!

Hooray for the kind of man you will find in the gay way!”

Then with that, Jackie and company began to sing and since in a way way that was well . . . gayer than an Easter egg.

Jackie held a rose in his teeth and smiled rakishly as he was carried by Tamaki Suou and Hikaru and Karous. The crew sang happily, gridingly gaily against each other.

“Hey man gay man pick up the soap

Get on your knees and pray

Hey man gay man

Release your load

You've got to cease to delay

The gay way”

At that moment, one Tychus Findlay teleported into the room where Jackie was doing his gay song and dance.

The bewildered ex-con and space marine spun around; the last thing he remembered was blowing himself up to avoid being eaten by that crazed maniac Alex Mercer. And now he was in Boi Toi land.

Tychus’s eyes widened as two Japanese highschool students made out in front of him; male students. The Southern fried spaceman winced and turned around, only to be greeted by the Hips of Jackie Estacado.

Jackie was dancing and prancing like only a fairy can, throwing back his sexy, black hair over his shoulder. Tychus’s horror multiplied a thousand fold when Jackie ran up and kissed him before singing more.

“Ooh, strong man, Queen of the balls

Some brotherly love is a pleasure for all

Come out, Open your eyes

It's a matter of size!”

Tychus didn’t see the rest of the song, nor did he catch a glimpse of the Doctor wearing a dress because he was outta here.

The mercenary ran screaming out of the room like a little girl and sprinting like a cheetah! “AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!”

Screen change!

Alarmingly enough, the next mind raping image to be shown to the viewers is one of Palpatine dressed like an Airbender. Waving his arms to the side, Palpatine giggled, “Be the leaf.”

Screen change!

Eldrad appeared next, though he wasn’t singing. The famous dickcheese of the Warhammer Universe sat in a seedy pub across from Prince Zuko of the fire nation. The bar was empty except for the two of them and the closed sign was up, so they’d have privacy.

Zutara is officially dead

“I don’t usually work with monk’eigh, but they said you’d make it worth my while,” he met Zuko’s own scarred gaze with his own impressive one; conveying the wisdom and dickishness of many thousands of years.

Saying nothing, Zuko threw a small bag across the table at Eldrad. “Does that satisfy you, farseer?”

Eldrad reached into the bag to pull out a pack of  yu-gi-oh! Signer cars. “Ah,” said the farseer with some satisfaction, “you have my attention.”

Zuko looked around, as if fearing a spy before explaining his situation to Eldrad. “The thing is, I’ve had my heart set on marrying Katara; but according to The Legend of Korra, that never happens.”

Eldrad was unreadable. “Go on.”

Zuko smiled a sinister smile, “So I’m thinking that Katara could use a little persuasion to choose me over Aang.”

“Aang is a far better choice than you,” Eldrad deadpanned.

Zuko slammed his fist down on the table. “The point is,” he took a deep breath and regained his composure, “Katara also loves her doofus brother Sokka and would do anything to see him stay out of harm’s way.” The prince smirked at the ancient space elf before him. “You’re the farseer. You’ve probably already seen my plan.”

Eldrad bowed his head in deep thought. “So you wish for me to frame Sokka for murder and have him thrown in jail and if Katara agrees to marry you, you will use you political influence to clear his name.”

Zuko smiled; looking very much like his sister Azula. “Do we have a deal?”

Eldrad put down the card pack. “You are asking me to ruin someone’s life and potentially crush their soul for the most petty of desires. Oh, that is despicable,” He shook his head as if to shame Zuko . . . but he could only keep a straight face for so long. Eldrad burst out laughing and plastered a savage grin on his face worthy of the dark Eldar, “I love it!”

Indeed, Eldrad had an ulterior motive for helping Zuko in his insane scheme. During a genestealer invasion, Sokka had made the mistake of eating Eldrad’s sandwich (which had his name on it) and thus Eldrad spent the rest of the day unable to take his pills because he hadn’t eaten anything. From that moment on he swore everlasting vengeance on Sokka; and now Zuko had unwittingly handed Eldrad that revenge on a silver platter.

Scene change!

It was back to musicals and now Superman was singing heavy metal while dressed like a pirate.

Hey! You’re banjaxed

Hey! You’re screwed

And Death is coming for you!

Trapped on an Island lost at sea

Shipwrecked your destiny!

Superman ran and jumped, looking like Jack Sparrow’s steroid cousin. Superman’s beard was long, his hair was tangled and the only thing normal about his was that infernal curl that the girls seemed to love.

Dressed like a pirate captain, Superman drank rum and sang on a deserted beach. Rum which was strong enough to blind Thor.

Shipwrecked!

Shipwrecked!

Get drunk or die! Superman sang while saving an adamantium cutlass and sword fighting Doomsday, who was also dressed in pirate garb.

Scene change!

Arthas the Lich King appeared before an audience, though he wore his evil helm he’d swapped his armor for a pair of slacks and a cardigan sweater.

Go on, get some ice cream and apple pie

“Goodmorning,” he greeted, “I’m Arthan Menthil and I’d like to talk to you for a few minutes about Diabeetus.”

Scene change!

Sarah Kerrigan sat in a French pub in the sixteenth century, while Aang stood by her.

Aang, I’m afraid I’ve been thinking, Sang the Zerg leader

The Avatar sang back, A dangerous pastime—

I know, Sarah sang back before grabbing Aang by his collar. But that wacky Tychus is Jim’s friend; and his Sanity’s only soso.

Aang gazed in bewilderment as Sarah spun her plan out for him.

Now the wheels in my head have been turning, since Jim Raynor cheated on me.

See I promised myself I’d be married to Jim Raynor and right now I’m evolving a plan! And she stood up to flash her wings

“Good news everyone!” said the Portal Master, “The tournament is resumed. My haiku is finished.” He then added with a chuckle, “And none of you are allowed to read it.”

At that, all of the contestants in the Tournament of Mortals sighed, shouted or otherwise felt relief. All except the Doctor, who was still standing there like a hairy armpit; dancing on the spot.

“What are you doing?” Azula asked the Doctor out of a mix of curiousity and disgust.

“I’m dancing to that song?” said the Doctor.

Azula blinked. The Timelord was out of his mind; this broken clock wasn’t even right twice a day. “What?”

“Well, you know,” the Doctor demonstrated, “Cabin Fever, ah! That!

Azula didn`t dignify that with a response. She just turned and walked away. The Doctor just stood there and danced on the spot; which he continued to do for another forty eight hours.

He was only shaken from his dancing when Doomsday and Goku teleported into the center of the main area. Goku was dead. Doomsday had beaten him. All fighters in the arena held their breath as they waited for the unrestrained doomsday to start beating the tar out of everyone.

Doomsday however had fought Goku  and in the end the Saiyan proved not to be up to the challenge.

Yet instead of turning around and killing everything in sight, Doomsday gave a creepy smile and spoke in an even creepier British accent that evoked the late voice actor Tony Jay. “We’ve got to have . . . ponies,” he said, dragging out the word related to small horsies. So he wasn’t only intelligent; he was also roaring, batshit crazy.

Now imagine Doomsday saying this

“Oh my gentle Jesus,” said Superman.

Master of the Boot’s Deadliest Warrior

Raynor’s Raiders vs. Mental’s Horde Part 1

Disclaimer: I do not own Deadliest Warrior, Serious Sam or StarCraft. Enjoy

Author’s note: Due to the sheer number of units being tested I’m going to make this chapter a two parter. Next week we’ll cover the rest of the units and then the fight scene J

The three hosts appear before the camera. “What’s the best strategy video game ever made?” Max asks his buddies.

“StarCraft,” reply Geoff and Armand together.

“Okay,” Max continues, “What’s the greatest first person shooter ever made of the old school?”

Geoff and Armand turn to each other and nod.

Announcer: Raynor’s Raiders!

Shows an image of Jim Raynor standing over the burnt carcass of a Zerg hydralisk.

Defenders of freedom and anarchistic rebels in a time of madness and tyranny

Announcer: But today they’ll face an enemy deadlier and weirder than any before

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

The screen suddenly has a headless man with bombs for hands charge at the screen while screaming  before blowing up in a shower of gore and shrapnel.

A logo for CroTeam flashes across the screen.

From Croatia, bitches 

Announcer: With his countless Legions, no other army in the universe is more feared than that of Mental’s Horde

This man is about to kill half the known universe

Shows an army of cloned shotgunners and riflemen marching in the dusty Egyptian street.

Totally loyal and lacking any sense of self preservation, they exist to serve the will of Lord Mental.

The camera changes once more to show a line of marines aiming their rifles as a squad of demonic undead alien skeletons charge at them while flinging ball and chains.

It’s a fight against rusty, brutal Terran machinery against undead alien suicide attacks.

All in the fight to decide

WHO

IS

DEADLIEST!!!!!!!

Once more we find ourselves transported into the familiar environment of the Deadliest Warrior Fight Club. There are weapons locked and ready to go, gelatin dummies aplenty and loads of pig carcasses. It’s a blood fiend’s wet dream; this place is.

Geoff appears before the camera, “now, before we just used to have five on five squad battles; but this time we’ll be having an army on army battle. So instead of testing individual weapons we’ll be testing classes of soldiers; infantry, armored units, air support, special units and so forth.”

Armand appears before the camera. “Despite their power armor, Jim Raynor and his crew are only human. While mental’s horde is composed of cyborgs, undead, aliens and powerful magicians. We’re looking at a huge variety of enemies here.”

Max appears before the camera in front of his computer panel. “We’ll be dealing with a battle of thousands. I’ve had to overhaul the hell out of the computer program system.”

Announcer: to make the case for Raynor’s raiders, we bring in two of James Raynor’s most trusted men; Captain Mat Horner and Tychus Findlay, professional criminal, mercenary and welfare bum.

It's like Warhammer 40K meets the deep south

Before the camera, a giant human in power armor stands. His visor opens up to reveal a heavily scarred man smoking a cigar. He spits out his half smoked stogie before starting the interview.

Interesting to note, his Southern Drawl rings out with a Houston accent. “Well killin’ aliens has always been Jimmy and mine’s bread and butta’. Ain’t nothing that’s gonna stop us from doin’ it again.”

Another man appears onscreen; he’s a polished man in a captain’s uniform and he lacks Tychus’s Southern Accent. “Despite operating with limited resources and being outnumbered in almost every fight, Jim’s always managed to pull through. He’s smarter than he looks and he’s got heart. Men would follow him into the jaws of Cerberus; I know I would.”

Jim Raynor's designated driver

Tychus then pushes Matt aside and hogs the camera. “In case ya’ll were wonerin’, Matt over here is one of them queer-sexuals.”

“I am not!” Mat shouts, blushing beet red. He’s farther into the closet than my winter wardrobe.

Announcer: And for team Horde we have a pair of professionals who are just as crazy.

A tall, buff human with dark hair and sunglasses appears on screen where he immediately starts parodying Warhammer 40K. “In the grim dark of the distant future, there is only white trash.”

“Seriously,” says Serious Sam, “When you said there’d be space marines I thought you meant the religious fanatics. These guys are like if George Lucas decided to do a remake of Deliverance.”

Sam I am

The other figure is a short green little alien by the name of Invader Zim. “Stupid Earth monkeys!” he shrilly screams. “The forces of Mental are far too great for an inferior race of worm-babies to defeat. Only the Mighty Irkens can defeat Mental!”

Serious Sam then taps Zim on the shoulder, “Uh, no need to shout, shorty.”

“Disgusting Sam-beast, you will not address ZIM that way!” The hyper little alien screeches.

Sam just rolls his eyes behind his glasses. “Just in case you forgot, Mental Blew up your planet; that’s why you’re requesting asylum on Earth; dipshit.”

The real mystery for Scooby-Doo to solve is why hasn't this guy been shot yet?

Zim however would not tolerate Sam’s sass. “SILENCE!!! You will pay for your insolence, earth-sodomite!”

Sam just groans, “I don’t have time for this,” and he walks away.

“You do not walk away from ZIM!!!!!!!”

But he did.

Raynor’s raiders:

Infantry-marines, medics, marauders, reapers, spectres, firebats, SCV,

Land Vehicles-siege tank, vulture, goliath, Viking, Thor, warbound, Predator

Air Units-Viking, medevac drop ship, battle cruiser, Banshee, science vessel, raven, wraith

Mercenaries:

Hero Units: Jim Raynor, Tychus Findlay, Rory Swann, Dr. Stetman, Gabriel Tosh

Misc units-shredder, spider mines, Odin

Mental’s Horde:

Infantry-Headless Rocketeer, Headless Kamikaze, Cloned Rifleman, Cloned Shotgunner, Kleer Skeleton, gnaar, Cucurbito the Pumpkin, beheaded Firecracker, Scrapjack, Juvenile Arachnoid

Heavy Units: Sirian werebull, biomechanoid major, biomechaniod minor, Highlander Aludran Reptiloid, Lava Golem, The Khnum, Adult Arachnoid,

Air Units: Scythian Witch Harpy, Witch Bride of Achriman, Alchor Class Warship, Technopolip,  

Hero Units: Mordecai the Summoner, Ugh Zahn IV, Exotech Larva,

Misc units-Marsh Hopper, Mental’s Pet Hamster,

Announcer: Just to make things easy, we’ll start off by testing the miscellaneous units

At the famous desert bomb range, Serious Sam holds up a clear glass cage with a large, toad like organism inside of it. “Now this little fucker is a marsh hopper from Rigel Kentarus and I fucking hate him and all his little brothers and sisters.”

Kermit the frog's rapist cousin

Inside the cage, the marsh hopper croaks and pats at the glass with its front legs.

“Basically Mental uses these things like landmines. They defend their territory by jumping at enemies and exploding; thereby releasing the acid slime in their intestines.”

“Death by toxic toad shit,” Geoff remarks, “Very nasty.”

“You wouldn’t know the half of it,” Sam grunts, “I still have PTSD flashbacks every time Kermit the frog appears on TV.”

Zim stands with his arms crossed, “So how do the foolish Earth-dirt plan to test these puny toads?”

Geoff points to a figure out in the rocky soil. Made from terran neosteel is a cut-out of the Queen of blades; complete with cross eyes and a painted on frowney face. “That right there is made from neosteel with an incomplete coating of vanadium plating. That’s basically what almost all Terran units are made from or armored in.”

“Then let’s kill earth-dweebs!” shouts Zim, who unintentionally revealed his reason for doing Mental’s Horde.

Serious Sam then holds up a remote control.

“Sam, are you ready?” Geoff shouts.

“Any time, bro!” Sam calls out.

“Then in 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . RELEASE THE TOADS!!”

Sam hits a button on his remote control and the door on a giant glass cage opens up; releasing the deadly marsh hoppers. At the same time, a voice of the loudspeakers screams in a heavy metal scream “WAAAAAAAARRRRRRR!!!!!!!”

Immediately, the large, bulging eyes of the toad like creatures lock onto he neosteel cut-out of Kerrigan and they start to hop forward. Croak, croak, croak they go as they hop forward.

The one on the front lines takes a big jump, hits the metal structure and goes splat! Green slime spews all over the Kerrigan cut-out.

Soon they all follow, croaking and exploding like ugly little banelings. The neosteel cut-out is coated in a pheromone mix that smells like a common predator on the marsh hopper’s home planet. In less than fifteen seconds, roughly a hundred of the amphibian beasts have thrown themselves at the target like suicide bomber lemmings.

The guys go to inspect the neosteel target. Aside from being covered in slime, it seems to worse for the wear.

Tychus laughs and takes a pull on his cigar. “Well partnah, looks like you’re all washed up. Ain’t no way no damn toads is gonna take down Terran tech.”

Serious Sam says nothing, instead, he walks up to the neosteel cut-out and kicks it; causing it to shatter like glass. He puts his hands on his hips and shakes his head at Tychus, “Really, Billy Bob Thornton, really? Go back to Alabamee, redneck.”

While Tychus is gearing up to kick Sam’s ass, Matt examines the neosteel in detail. “Well the regular armor has become highly brittle, like glass.” He then picks up a vanadium coated piece and gives it a knock. “The vanadium has protected the neosteel somewhat, but if you look closer,” he starts to take the piece and bend it, “It’s suffering from heavy structural fatigue; something that could severely impact the armor on terran vehicles.”

At that moment, Zim runs across the area screaming. Not far behind Zim, a marsh hopper croaks and jumps after him. Zim runs and the marsh hopper chases him. He runs back and forth and the toad like alien follows him like a dog.

“Oh, one of the marsh hoppers survived,” says Max; just as the creature lands on Zim.

The three foot Irken is hardly a match for the bulky and compact marsh hopper. “Unhand me, DEMON!" Zim shouts, his armored tongue flailing.

“What’s it doing?” asks Geoff.

Everyone starts to cringe as marsh hopper begins to hump Zim, who starts screaming obscenities too vulgar to be heard outside an X-rated movie.

“I think he resembles the female of the species,” Sam concludes.

“I saw somethin’ like this in Canada,” Tychus observes, “Only them dressed up like the King an’ Queen of England.”

Everyone turns to look at Tychus; they can only wonder in horror what kind of weird shit he’s done in the past. “

“I’ll help Zim,” says Matt.

Announcer: Coming up, the mighty Odin faces against Mental’s Pet Hamster . . . did I just say that?

The camera pans to show a dusty desert landscape. We briefly see a lizard on a rock which is then startled by vibrations in the ground.

Announcer: The first of its kind, a super heavy experimental siege walker for prolonged combat missions—

The vibrations in the ground grow louder and louder. Suddenly, a giant metal foot stomps in front of the camera.

--this brilliant machine was stolen from Dominion scientists by Raynor and his boys and is now one of the deadliest pieces of equipment in the Raiders arsenal.

The camera zooms in and Tychus grins in the cockpit. “This here is man’s greatest creation. I have nea’ constant orgasms eve’ry time I step in the cockpit.”

“That’s what my gay cousin says every time he gets lucky,” Sam shouts from off to the side.

Tychus snarls at Sam, “Shut up!” he goes to fire a nuclear missile at Sam but the producer had that removed before they started filming.

The crew stand before the camera, while in the background the Odin moves like a metal mountain, shaking the landscape as it does.

Matt Horner explains how the test is going to proceed. “The Odin is a unit capable of both anti-air and anti-ground capabilities. Armed with an extremely destructive array of two twin-linked T800 cannons, shoulder mounted Hellfire missile pods and four 330mm howitzers on a near indestructible chassis the Odin is virtually an army unto itself; which I believe will be essential to fighting off the superior numbers of Mental’s horde.”

Announcer: To test the Odin, a number of flying and ground units will be deployed against the mammoth machine.

Remotely controlled, an entire fleet of defunct Protoss aircraft fill the sky. Overhead a mighty Arbiter class ship is surrounded by a cloud of smaller corsair fighter craft. On the ground, a number of similarly remote controlled Protoss dragoons march like an army of giant metal crabs.

On the ground, Matt Horner raises a flair gun up and fires into the air.

Tychus, who’s been itching for some action, opens up with a barrage; a special move that unleashes a devastating concentration of firepower from the cannons on the Odin’s back.

The fleet of protoss vehicles are quickly torn apart by this barrage. Shield go from green to red and buckle, armor plating is perforated. It’s like an orchestra of firepower and Tychus is the conductor. Each bullet and shell is a note and the destruction that ensues is beauty that will stay with us forever.

Both Sam and Zim are blown away by this display. Sam’s jaw is slack and he appears utterly dumbstruck by the weapon before him. Zim grins from ear to ear with a look of pure malevolence.

“Whoa,” Sam gasps, “I’m getting a serious chubby for that thing.”

“Think of all the filthy humans I could kill with that machine,” Zim practically crows with delight.

Geoff and the experts stand around a table ready to decide. “I think I’ve seen enough,” says Max. “The Odin is by itself equal to one of Mental’s armies. With something like that, Jim Raynor has it in the bag.”

“Hey guys,” Serious Sam interrupts the meeting, “You should know that mental’s pet hamster has escaped his cage.”

“And that’s not good,” says Armand, “I’ve treated giant hamster damage in the past and it’s nasty. The energy projectiles they fire are lethal and if you get close their bodies sprout deadly spines.”

Suddenly the earth starts to shake, and everyone jumps out of the way just as a thirty foot high, seventy foot long hamster in a giant hamster ball made of spiked metal rolls through and tramples everything.

Inside the hamster ball of death, Mental’s hamster peers at the world through eight red, glowing eyes. From out of its mouth it fires deadly green energy balls that fly at Mat Horner.

Panicking, Mat pulls out his handgun and starts to shoot at the projectiles but nothing happens. Running like mad, he fires his gun over his shoulder as the hamster ball barrels down on him like Indiana Jones’s ball of death.

Hitting a switch frantically, Max activates the shredder units, mobile machines that throw up impenetrable radiation fields. The shredders automatically deactivate when Matt runs by but reactivates when he’s out of range.

Unfortunately the giant hamster passes through when Matt does, thereby bypassing the deadly field of radiation.

However as Matt and the Hamster run past, several victims run into it. Several deer run into the faintly buzzing shredders and explode like eggs in the microwave. Deer entrails and blood fly all over the landscape.

On cue, a whole pack of marsh hoppers jump right into the field, perceiving the shredders to be lethal enemies. The toads blow up uselessly, their deadly acid slime not even touching the metal machines.

A swarm of bumblebees strikes the radiation field like an invisible windshield.

And to cap things off, Scratch and Grounder, Dr. Robotnik’s evil henchmen strike the field and melt like plastic. Good riddance to bad rubbish.  

Luckily Tychus saves his ass. Another barrage from the Odin blasts that hamster ball to bits and launches Matt at least forty feet in the air where he lands in a giant vat of corn syrup.

Mental’s Pet hamster fires a spray of energy balls at the Odin which burn holes it its armor but fail to do fatal damage to the machine.

Then, with a well-placed nuke, Tychus kills the insufferable fucker once and for all.

Without warning, Matt’s head explodes up from the surface of the corn syrup vat. As he gasps for breath and contemplates that his outfit is ruined; he wonders what the hell a vat of corn syrup is doing in the middle of the desert.

Then, he looks up and sees Jamie Hynaman and Adam Savage looking down on him.

“Get out of our corn syrup, mother fucker,” says Jamie.

“You heard the man,” says Adam, who pulls out a Mossberg shotgun and pumps a shell into the chamber before aiming at a dumfounded Matt.

 Edge in Misc units: Raynor’s Raiders.

Announcer: We break briefly to meet with Kieran Eliot to answer fan mail.

The friendly Scottish announcer appears in a comfortable leather chair, with some fainmail in hand. “Hello and welcome to the Deadliest Warrior aftermath. Where we’ll interview experts and hear fan’s thoughts.”

He opens the first envelope. “This first letter is from Kyle who writes, “In the episode Van Helsing vs Albert Wesker; Wesker’ was totally dominated in the numbers by far. Why would that be?”

Kieran smiles, “Well Kyle, this is not the discovery channel; this is Spike TV, where inaccuracy and testosterone go hand in hand. In short, the show really fucked up.”

“Next letter is from Sarah Kerrigan,” he reads, “Dear Master of the Boot, for making me lose the match with Anakin skywalker I will find unreal ways for you to die. Be seeing you soon. Signed, Sarah.”

Kieran laughs and smiles, “Well Master, you’d better grow a beard and learn to speak Swahili.”

Announcer: And now we return to test the largest and arguably most important category of fighters, the infantry.

“Infantry are the core of every army that’s every existed, since the first wars were fought,” Matt Horner pontificates. “They’re the stable point around which the other branches of armed forces fight. It’s their job to sacrifice themselves ingloriously for their brothers and country and it’s the infantry who does the hardest job.”

Good for killing zerg and running moonshine

“Enough yapping, pretty boy,” mocks Sam, who leans on Matt with a minigun over his shoulder, “Your so called infantry is a bunch of backwards hicks whose parents met at a family reunion.”

“We be good ol’ boys in powa’ armor with thousand round a minute rail guns,” Tychus warns Sam; rapidly losing patience with the first person shooter hero. He holds up his rifle proudly, “This here is the C-14, a marine’s best friend. She’s got a thousand round magazine an’ fires nine hun’dred rounds a minute.”

He takes a step, towering over Serious Sam, “This armor of mine gives me the strength a’ twenty men and mah stim packs make me fast as lightnin’.”

“You ever watch the show Rawhide?” Serious Sam asks Tychus.

“It’s mah favorite show. Why?”

“Because you just gotta keep them doggies rolling,” and with that, Sam pokes Tychus in the eyes. Tychus howls in pain but before he can do anything else Sam donkey punches him across the jaw and knocks him out.

Announcer: After some scuffling, Tychus is ready to roll

Zooming in, the camera gives us a close-up of Tychus through his helmet; and the nasty bruise that Sam gave him. “This here baby ah call Susan. Susan fires eight millimetre spikes at thirty rounds per second. Watch her purr,”

Geoff gives the signal, “in 3 . . . 2. . . 1 . . . REALSE THE TARGETS!!!”

Tychus flips off the safety of his rifle and kneels down behind a concrete barrier. Instantly, there’s a flash of light as five headless men teleport in front of him. The beheaded soldiers of Mental give a growl.

The most basic of Mental's infantry

A burst of fire from the C-14 mows down the five beheaded soldiers like they’re nothing. Wearing no amour, the techno zombies are more resistant to damage than a human but the ordnance of the gauss rifle is death to them.

As soon as the beheaded soldiers fall, there’s another flash of light and five more enemies teleport. These enemies are strange alien animals with squat, gorilla like bodies and a large eye and mouth set in their chest.

Well I'm hungry, how about you?

The gnaar roar and charge at Tychus, their chipped yellow fangs gnash.

Announcer: Omnivorous mammals from the planet Sirius, gnaar are trained war animals in Mental’s army; where the green female is larger than the purple male. There have also been reports of limbless, flying gnaar and invisible ones as well.

Using bursts of semi-automatic fire, Tychus guns down the smaller males. The beasts fall with a howl; like putting down a dog. The females last marginally longer but their unarmoured bodies are shredded by Tychus’s gun.

Up in the air, a flying gnaar gnashes and growls at Tychus. Though it has no limbs or any other visible means of propulsion, it flies much faster than the others can run. S

Still, to Tychus it’s like playing Duck Hunt; with a really fucking ugly duck. A spray of machinegun fire reduces the flying gnaar to meat.

Tychus laughs, but he doesn’t see the invisible gnaar coming at him.

The big man in his power armor is chuckling when suddenly a blow to the midsection causes him to drop.

Tychus grunts, swears and is knocked to the ground as the gnaar goes wild on him like an angry gorilla.

“D’oh! Ah! GET OFF ME, YA FUCKER!” Tychus cries out, but the gnaar is only as intelligent as a stupid German shepherd so it doesn’t halt its attack. Then before anyone can go in and help him, Tychus Rips out the gnaar’s single eye, causing it to flail around blindly before dropping dead.

Tychus gets up and lights a cigar. Exhaling the smoke, he says, “Score.” Gnarr: 0 Tychus: 1

The camera shifts to show Matt. “As you can see, the power armor is formidable. In the old days, it took almost twenty minutes for a marine to get his armor on. Now with modern advances and heavy drilling, Raynor’s men can get power armor in in two minutes.”

Zim however starts laughing at Matt. “Foolish dirt-baby! In two minutes ZIM could kill a HUNDRED space marines!”

“Why are you yelling?” Matt asks.

“ZIM does not KNOW!!!”

“It could be the sign of a brain tumor.”

Announcer: Jim answer to the dreaded Ghost, the Specter is a spec ops unit that can turn invisible and unleash psychic devastation on the enemy!

 Distantly related to Uncle Phil; and he can melt your brain with a thought

The camera shows a large black Jamaican man with voodoo trinkets on him in a skin tight suit that totally rides up his ass. “I be Gabriel Tosh, mon; an’ I be the leader of the spectres.”

The dark man with frightening grey eyes explains further, “Spectres be da’ future of spec ops and psychic warfare.”

Armand approaches Tosh, “Well I’m familiar with the brainwave form patterns and other characteristics that make up ghosts; but how do you differ from ghosts?”

Tosh is offended by the comparison to ghosts, “The ghosts be going the way of the da’ dodo, mon. We stronger in hand to hand; our reflexes are faster and our speed is greater.”

Tosh turns around and holds his hand at a parked car and without any warning the car explodes.

“My fucking car!” Serious Sam screams. “You motherfucker, that was a classic hot-rod.”

The black Haitian spectre ignores Sam, “Spectres can disable electronics and one of my calibre can blow stuff up.”

Tosh spins around and then delivers a powerful martial arts kick to Zim. The green alien screams as he’s thrown past the horizon by Tosh’s mighty kick. “We use our psionic powers to boost our speed and battle prowess. We can cloak indefinitely and nobody can read our minds.”

The grim looking spectre taps his temple, “Even the little girl Nova can’t get into this melon, mon.”

Announcer: now Mental’s horde strikes back at the marines with one of the most common and deadly of Mental’s forces; the Kleer!

The sound of hooves now sends chills up my spine

Inside a large metal cage is an undead creature; a bone free skeleton that looks like part horse, part demon. It wears large metal pauldrons where its shoulders were when it was alive and its front limbs terminate in large bone scythes.

With every move it makes, its back hooves make a klip-klop noise. The beast makes no noise but rattles the cage in its attempts to break out.

Serious Sam is not at all worried about the beast; he walks up and kicks the cage where it’s at. It lashes out at him with its claws but he jumps back nimbly. “This is a kleer,” he tells to the camera, “They were a peaceful race living on their home world, Kleer; until Mental decided to dump ten billion gallons of napalm on their planet, burning everything to a cinder.”

He chuckles darkly, “Yeah, Mental is a dick that way. Anyway, long story short these fuckers are fast, deadly but not too high on health. They either slash at you with their claws or they throw double balls and chains at you that can’t be shot out of the air by any weapon.”

Matt Horner seems horrified, Mental truly sounds like a villain who’s earned his name.

“That’s a lotta napalm,” Tychus wryly remarks.

Announcer: While everyone else hides in the safety of the concrete bunker, Invader Zim will attempt to corral the kleer and get it to attack a series of designated targets.

Wearing a funky pair of goggles, Zim holds up a remote control. Grinning and laughing like a mad scientist, Zim presses a button on the remote control; causing a pink wave to hit the Kleer. In turn the beast’s empty eye sockets turn from glowing red to glowing pink.

Another press of the button opens the cage, and when it does not attack Zim, the bombastic Irken shouts, “ATTACK, my minion!”

The kleer doesn’t make a sound; instead it starts to run forward like a demonic horse skeleton. It hooves clop on the ground and it throws from out of nowhere a pair of chains with two heavy metal balls on either end.

The ball and chains sail through the air head over head and smash into the empty power armor of a marine. The helmet is instantly smashes in and the gel replica head inside is caved in. The balls also hit the armor but aside from denting it do no serous damage.

Undaunted, the kleer charges at the power armor, leaping the last distance with insane agility and tearing through the armor like a tin can. The marine’s power armor only provide limited protection against the Kleer’s scythe claws before it’s torn open.

Zim then steers the kleer towards an empty set of medic’s armor. The medic’s armor lasts even less long than the marine, and though the claws can’t scratch that large heavy shield; any medic inside that armor would have been fast disemboweled.

Still better than the guy in Team Fortress 2

The Kleer runs at the armor of a firebat, but the heavy armor of the flamethrower wielding warrior is much more resistant than the marine or the medic. An automated blast of fire shoots out the nozzles but the skeletal kleer can’t be harmed by heat or smoke inhalation.

Doesn't this guy sound like he's having a permanent orgasm?

“Useless beast! You betray Zim!” the Irken shouts, before making the Kleer turn on an empty SCV. The SCV has an even poorer chance than the medic. Kleer will obviously be useful to mental for early skirmishing.

Fucking hillbillies . . . 

Suddenly, the sound of a chainsaw fills the air and the kleer is cut in half by a chainsaw; the magic holding its bones together fails and it clatters to the ground in a hundred parts that can be easily be rebuilt by Mental’s necromancers.

The camera is suddenly filled with a hideous monstrosity that looks like a lumberjack in overalls with a pumpkin for a head.

Where does Mental find these guys?

Up in the safety bunker, Tychus’s eyes widen. “Grandpappy?” he’s bewildered. Why does his grandfather have a pumpkin for a head?

Announcer: That’s a Cururbito, Tychus; a creature genetically engineered from a lumberjack, a smashing pumpkins album and a copy of the movie Deliverance.

“what?” Tychus is confused, as Sam looks at him knowingly.

“Deliverance!” shouts Sam, “I know it.”

Back down in the rocky field, the Cucurbito lunges with its chainsaw at a set of reaper’s armor, before he can cleave it in twain, the Reaper blasts off with his jetpack. “Fear the reaper,” comes the chilling voice from inside the armor and then we realize it’s not just an empty suit.

Fly my pretties, fly!

The Cucurbito gives chase but lacking any melee weapons it can do nothing against the Reaper. Firing his gauss pistols, the Reaper rips into the flesh of his enemy below and it doesn’t take more than three or four shots to down the evil enemy, but just to make sure, the Reaper shoots Cucurbito in its pumpkin head.

When all of the sudden another Kleer jumps up and lunges at the Reaper. The jetpack wearing infantry soldier guns his pack and dodges by millimetres. Soon he and the Kleer are doing a deadly ballet; the undead skeleton can match the reaper’s speed and can climb up cliffs cut cannot match his manoeuverability. And while the Kleer has much killing power, it has few hit points and soon the Reaper blasts the kleer to bones.

Zim then cries out!!! “Filthy Kleer!! Why do you fail ZIM! FAIL!”

Announcer: While the data was conclusive, we’ve yet to test Mental’s most common minions, the cloned soldiers and the headless soldiers.

Geoff stretches out, “Well that was bracing, let’s break for coffee.”

“I’m for that, after seeing all those mutants and freaks,” Matt Horner concurs.

“It was like poetry in motion,” Tychus muses. The big marine then turns to look at Serious Sam, who’s drinking a bottle of Mr. Atriedes Spice beer. His whole body is suddenly filled with fury, “You be drinkin’ my beer, boi?”

Sam is totally nonchalant, “Yup, I stole your beer; pussy.”

Before a fight can break out, there’s a chainsaw noise and like a nightmare out of hell, a rogue Cururbito kicks down the door of the protective bunker and attacks. Max screams like a little girl while Armand throws himself back as far as he can.

The pumpkin headed monster goes for Tychus first, but the Power armored marine is strong and he wrestles with the creature of the chainsaw. While everyone else exits the bunker, Tychus fights for his life against a chainsaw wielding maniac.

As they grapple, Tychus’s face is basked in the eerie yellow glow coming from the jack-o-lantern atop Curubitio’s head. The creature leans forward and says in Spanish, “Tue s un hombre muerto, amigo.”

Tychus growls defiantly at the genetically engineered vegetable bastard on top of him. “Ain’t no way I’m bein’ taken out by a beaner!” And punches the monstrosity.

Cururbito is about to rise again when a multitude of bullets hits it in the heart and head, killing it. Matt stands behind Tychus with a smoking pistol and for once, Tychus is grateful that he was there. “Thanks, parnah.” He says before looking around. “Where was Sam at?”

On cue, Sam pops his head from behind the busted door of the bunker, “I was hoping that it’d kill you, plus that beer I stole was tasty.”

The camera changes to the laboratory of the amazing David Baker, Deadliest Warrior’s own weapons master. Standing next to him are a series of decapitated bodies; the bodies are standing upright

“These here are Mental’s headless rocketeers,” David explains, “Each one of these is a beheaded Sirian soldier which was then fitted with a life control unit.” He points to each one of the soldiers, indicated the flat metal device on the neck stump with a red eye camera.

He then points to the gun carried by each soldier, “This is their rocket gun, which fires slow moving low damage rockets. The advantage that they have is that each gun has a techno-magic ammo replenisher that allows each soldier to have infinite ammo; greatly reducing Mental’s logistic difficulties.”

Bake then turns around and fires a rocket gun at a plate of marine armor, the rockets explode against it but do little damage. “From the front, the rockets won’t do much damage, but if they hit the rear of a marine’s armor or the helmet that’s another story.”

With the same rocket gun, he shoots at a marine’s armored faceplate and the rear of a marine’s armor. The first shot cracks spiderwebs along the faceplate; a second blast destroys it and kills whoever would have worn that armor.

A shot to the back of the armor first does nothing, but a second and third shot mess with the exhaust vents in the back as well as other less durable equipment. The engines whine in the back plate and then go into standby mode.

“Now, while the headless Rocketeer is weak compared to the marine in all ways; they cost only a small amount of vespene gas for Mental to teleport them around the battlefield. So there’s going to be a chance of a rear attack for these marines at any given time.”

David then strolls over to a headless soldier that’s holding a small chainsaw and more alarmingly a severed head. “This is the headless firecracker; used for crowd control and fighting against multiple enemies.”

I got nothing. What do you say about a headless guy who fires rockets out his own severed head?

He knocks against the chainsaw, “This is a P-Lah chainsaw; powered by a fusion cell guaranteed to last a thousand years.” He taps on the severed head the soldier holds. “This soldier uses his own head as a weapon, from the mouth if fires a spread of magic missiles that follow the ground until they hit something.”

He then grabs a remote control of his work bench, “Each soldier has a life control unit; a device that replaces all the function of the head. The LCU is easy to reprogram and follows a basic programming for all headless units, ordering them to guard a location for up to weeks at a time or blindly attack. Headless soldiers, whether the rocketeer, the firecracker or the kamikaze. Also with some time and effort the headless soldiers can perform some very complex tasks.”

He then points to a beheaded soldier who has his hands surgically replaced with bombs. “This here is the most famous of Serious Sam’s enemies, the Beheaded Kamikaze. With two basic but powerful fragmentation bombs for hands, this enemy is easily able to kill a marine.”

With a flick of the remote the headless soldiers come to life in a row; a firecracker, a rocketeer, a kamikaze and another rocketeer. Suddenly, the Carameldansen starts to blast over the speakers and the four headless soldiers suddenly start dancing to it.

Now just imagine the same dance with headless men

While the music plays, David Baker walks over to a pair of soldiers with red goggles and hideously damaged and burnt skin. “The cloned shotgunner and riflemen are similar in a lot of ways to the headless soldiers.”

“Suffering from acid burns and heat damage, the clone is none the less a cheap an accurate soldier. The red goggles implanted in their heads allow them to see in dark and fog, as well as act as detector units that can see cloaked units but not burrowed ones.”

David then points to the gun that the Cloned Rifleman carries and the shotgun that the cloned shotgunner carries. “These two soldiers are armed with a twelve gauge shotgun and an M29 Infantry Assault rifle. Now these soldiers can’t do much against a marine, who’s protected from small arms fire; but these guns can easily kill a medic or an SCV. So they’re good early skirmishers and later game detectors.”

This concludes David’s lesson, and on cue, a headless kamikaze runs at him and blows up, taking out the camera.

Now Armand, Geoff and Max are ready to discuss who has more powerful infantry. “So what we’ve got here is rough and tough enemies of medium power versus suicide bombers and mindless freaks.”

“Sounds like the zerg, but worse,” Max concludes.

“Indeed, Raynor’s units are stronger overall; especially with the marine but Mental’s troops have a number of advantages.” Armand says.

“That’s right. With the ability to teleport, they can keep on whittling away at Raynor’s numbers faster than he can train them in the barracks and the kleer provide fast and deadly units with great numbers.”

“Pus, those Cucurbitos are a lot like protoss zealots, but scarier” Geoff points out, “It’s close but Mental’s greater variety of units allows him the flexibility to counter Raynor’s ground units. For that, I’d give the edge to mental.”

The camera quickly flashes to a cut of a giant fat monster with three faces that has rocket launchers for arms. The lumbering beast growls incoherently before firing its rockets at a suit of marauder armor half a mile away, blowing it to bits.

Serious Sam and Zim appear before the camera, “And you’ve just seen the scrapjack blow the shit out of that shitty marauder.”

“A HIDEOUS, disgusting beast made from KIA units in Mental’s army!” Zim shouts, “The beast’s head is made from three other heads; allowing it from three different attacks—blind berserk rage to bland defense. This fat, disgusting Mental-beast has superior range and power to the Marauder.” The Irken alien then laughs mightily, “RAHAHAHA!!!! Inferior human soldier.”

He's mad because he can't see his own junk

Zim’s evil glee is short lived as a large monkey wrench flies through the air and hits him in the head, knocking him to the ground.

A distance away, Tychus smokes a cigar and looks at Sam with cold eyes. Sam promptly gives Tychus the finger.

Edge: Mental’s Horde.

Announcer: And now the battle takes to the skies as the two very different air forces collide!

Serious Sam appears inside the Fight Club, painting a plastic model of the Enterprise D. “You know, I never really fought a lot of air units with mental. His was mostly a ground army. Plus I was a ground pounder, not a fly boy.”

Announcer: With ground forces out of the way,

Shows footage of a terran firebat using its dual flamethrowers to burn a whole field of gelatin dummies.

It’s time to open up with a flying machine that’s literally sixty-five million years old.

I know the picture isn't a Quetzalcoatlus, but humor me

In a jungle like environment, the crew stands ready. Behind them stand Matt, Tychus, Sam and Zim. Sam laughs from behind his sunglasses, “Yeah, she’s a beaut, isn’t she?’

Matt just shakes his head, “You can’t be serious about this.”

“I wonder what it tastes like?” Tychus wonders, visions of grills and marinara sauce dancing in his head.

“The beast STINKS!” Zim shouts.

Standing about thirty feet off in a cage is a cyborg quetzalcoatlus. The large Cretaceous era flying reptile is placid due to a cybernetic control mask around its face.

Announcer: to explain the power of these majestic flying beast, we’ve brought Steve “Crocodile Hunter” Irwin back from the dead.

Rest in peace, Steve

On cue, a zombie Steve Irwin appears with rotting flesh and immaculate kaki pants and shirt. “Hello boys and girls, Steve Irwin here.” The friendly zombie turns around and points to the cybernetic pterosaur, “Now what we’ve got there is a quetzalcoatlus; largest of the flying dinosaurs, outfitted by Mental with cybernetic equipment to turn it into a long range bomber.”

He runs up to the large creature, which is as tall as a giraffe and starts poking its feathery body with a stick. “Now this beast is a good five hundred pounds and Mental’s augmented it with cybernetics to make it fly longer and faster. Just under the belly here is a bomb dispenser powered by a techno-magic ammo replenisher.”

Steve then opens up the cage and climbs onto the quetzalcoatlus’s back. “And because I never do things easy, I’m gonna take his mask off as I ride him!”

With a yank, Steven takes off the pterosaur’s mask. Instantly, the large beast squawks and limbers out of its cage with surprising agility. It shakes its back and attempts to buck Steve off; only for the zombie Crocodile hunter to stay on.

The large, lumbering flying reptile starts to hobble forward on all fours before launching itself into the air with a powerful leap and flying.

Rapidly the enhanced pterosaur launches itself to three hundred miles per hour, but the zombie crocodile hunter hangs on.

With no small amount of resistance from the beast, Steven steers it towards a large field filled with terran equipment.

Grabbing a latch from the side of the monster, Steve pulls and immediately a load of black, circular bombs fall out from underneath the compartment strapped underneath it.

Empty suits of marine armor are blown to bits. A deactivated goliath is blasted asunder; the anti-aircraft mecha doesn’t stand a chance. Lightly armored hellions burn like rice paper.

Heavily armored siege tanks don’t fare much better; their thick armor only takes a few hits from the techno-magic bombs to be opened up like a tin can.

Only the mighty Thor fighting machine seems to stand a chance, though its heavy battleship grade plating is heavily battered. It alone survives the barrage bombardment of the quetzalcoatlus.

Laughing with glee, Steve Irwin throws himself off the back of the pterosaur and lands on the ground with a splat.

Everyone crowds around a zombie Steve Irwin, who now has no limbs and half his face is missing. “Crikey! Was that ever fun! I’m glad you blokes brought me back from the dead.”

Geoff nods a little weirded out. “Sure, we’ll have Tosh put you together.”

Tosh nods as he decloaks, “I be your biggest fan, crocodile hunter.”

Steve then waves a bloody stump. “Crickey, good on you. As soon as I get my arms I’ll autograph your butterfly knife.”

Tychus turns to the camera and laughs a bit. “Well, a flyin’ lizard is sure pretty but we got something betta.”

The space mercenary points up at the sky, “Right there.”

“There’s nothing there,” says Max.

Tychus smiles and nods, “Of course, now; but watch.” He claps his hands . . . and nothing happens.

“You know, abuse of stimpacks is known to cause blindness or hallucinations,” Armand suggests.

“No!  It’s there!” Tychus shouts. Everyone just stares at him with amusement or worry for his mental health. “There! Up there!”

At this, Matt groans and speaks into a communicator. “Quit screwing around and decloak.”

Suddenly, a large aircraft powered by two large turbo fans on the side of it. Inside the cockpit, a female pilot with a large rack gazes at the camera. “This beauty here is the Banshee, otherwise known as the give-em-hell-ocopter.”

On the ground Matt goes into some detail about the banshee. “Flying on low powered but inexpensive fans, the banshee is a craft designed exclusively for air to ground engagement using its barrages of Backlash air to ground missiles.”

We get a pov from inside the cockpit of the banshee, the pilot rotates her craft and starts to pick a target.

Down below, Matt continues, “While it can’t break orbit, it can be dropped from orbit and its cloaking function comes in handy.

In the cockpit, the banshee pilot grins, “Gotcha!”

A barrage of deadly missiles fly through the air and blow up a lone cabbage cart.

“No!” screams a lone cabbage merchant, “My cabbages!”

 Poor bastard

Announcer: now rolling onto the really big guns

From out of the sky comes a massive spaceship of Terran design.

The Battle cruiser, the hardest hitting, biggest spaceship in the terran arsenal.

Who needs a car?

The huge ship flies overhead, appearing over a massive section of the Sahara desert. Down below in the desert there are a collection of headless soldiers and kleer skeletons, just sitting idly by.

Without warning, the battleruiser opens fire with anti-infantry projectiles. The forces of mental down below have no chance. The weak headless soldiers and kleer are torn apart. Up in the sky, the flying gnaar attack; but they do little more than leave slobber on the armor of the battleship; they are easily picked off by anti-air defenses.

From out of the sky, a bunch of women with wings teleport; they are mostly nude and wearing weird looking helmets on their heads. The Scythian witch harpies fire energy balls at the battlecruiser, but only manage to do minimal damage.

Some of them do greater damage when they actually land on top of the battle cruiser and start beating up the anti-air defenses with their bare hands.

Down on the ground, Tychus whistles at the bird women. “Damn, them bird gals have some fine titties.”

Matt doesn’t take notice of his partner’s loutish nature. “It’s fascinating, they seem to be heavily trained in martial arts.

“Yup,” Sam responds, “Scythian Witch Harpies; Mental cloned ‘em from an extinct race of bird women. When they get injured enough they get on the ground and beat my ass. It’s lucky I wear a cup to protect the family jewels.”

However for all their blind ferocity the cloned harpies are torn apart by the anti-air defenses of the battlecruiser.

Onboard the ship, the drunken Russian captain laughs. “haha! This vodka must be getting to me because I’m seeing topless bird women.” The captain laughs and blinks his cybernetic eye, “Hey, where is everybody?” He seems to be totally and utterly alone on the bridge.

A screen opens up on the panel before the Captain, revealing the face of Invader Zim.

“Ah!” the Captain screams, “A space demon! Someone get my gun!”

Zim however doesn’t seem distressed by the Captain’s panick. “Greetings, drunken earth slime. As part of this pathetic show’s testing, your battleship will be shot down . . . WITH YOU IN IT!”

The captain gawks at Zim’s announcement, “What? They didn’t tell me that!”

Zim cackles, “Well, an earth captain does go down with their ship. RA-HAHAHAHAH!” The screen goes black.

Up in the sky, there’s a flash of light as another battleship of alien design teleports in with its FTL system. A purple cobra like ship powers up its weapons to attack the Battlecruiser; which if it blows up will only kill the Captain.

A voiceover of Zim explains the craft’s virtue: The Alcor class battleship is the workhorse of Mental’s fleet, acting both as a ground scorcher and a troop carrier.

With that, the Alcor fires a beam of pure energy at the battlecruiser, which burns a deep glowing scar into the Terran gunmetal.

Zim voiceover: The Alcor’s energy weapon is capable of burning through solid steel at a rate of one foot per second and can split into three separate beams.

Onboard the battlecruiser, the captain is cursing. “Shit-shit-shit!” before he finally grabs the manual controls and brings the full wrath of the battlecruiser on the alien warship.

Laser batteries seem to do little to the shields of the Alcor war vessel and the missile pods fire but do minimal damage to the Alcor, which despite being much smaller than the battlecruiser seems to be nearly as tough.

Onboard the captain is panicking until he remembers the Yamato cannon. Over the loudspeakers, the main computer speaks. “Warning: Behemoth reactor in the red. Reactor failure in forty seconds.”

“Shut up, whore,” he shouts at the computer as the Yamato cannon begins to charge.

It seems that the Alcor is winning when a giant blast from the Yamato turns the tables. The giant focused nuclear blast strikes the Alcor and rips through its energy shields and armor like they’re not there. A whole section of the ship’s been torn away, like a classroom dissection.

On the battlecruiser the captain laughs, “Ha-ah! Take that¸ pustee!” he swears in Russian.

Zim voiceover: When the ship has taken enough damage, the controlling AI aboard the ship will use the FTL system to take it to safety

And like that, the crippled Alcor class warship disappears in a flash of white light.

On the ground, Zim turns around and faces Matt, Tychus and the three hosts. “In conclusion: THE EARTHLINGS ARE DOOMED!!!! MUAAHAHAHA!”

Just then, Tychus dumps a pitcher of beer on Zim’s head, which caused his alien anatomy to burst into flames. Immediately, Zim starts to run around screaming while he’s on fire. Nobody bothers to help him.

“Ya know,” Tychus muses, “It’s a waste of good beer but it was so worth it.”

Announcer: coming up, Mental’s fields an air unit with powerful psionic abilities.

The Deadliest Warrior team is now positioned in a cornfield in the middle of nowhere. Floating in the air and steadily chanting arcane spells of power is some kind of sexy alien woman with purple skin and six tentacles coming of her back. She’s levitating about twenty feet off the ground and the air around her is slightly blury.

Standing in front of the corn, Sam explains, “This is the Witchbride of Achriman. She was originally a sorceress on the grand council but she was scammed by Mental’s goon, Achriman; lord of darkness. By the time she realized that Mental was an enormous a-hole it was too late.”

Tychus whistles, “I like a powerful woman.”

Sam laughs, “Not this powerful; besides, that’d be cheating on your sister.”

“Are you getting tired of these redneck jokes?” Matt asks Sam.

“Nope.”

To demonstrate her power, the Witchbride teleports into another part of the cornfield where a terran Viking is standing on ground mode.

I wanted to be a viking when I grew up 

With the witch in sight, the automated systems kick in. The Viking goes from a ground walking machine to a flyer.

Immediately, the massive Gatling guns on the underside of the craft’s wings fire one hundred calibre armor piercing explosive rounds at the Witchbride. However the bullets harmlessly bounce off the haze that’s surrounding her.

The automated systems of the Viking then fire a burst of anti-air missiles at the witch but these two explode harmlessly in front of her.

Then, with a clench of her hands, the Viking implodes.

On the ground, Serious Sam explains, “This bitch is tough. She has an implode attack that does moderate damage to small units like yours truly; but on bigger and bigger units its more effective. She’s got two weaknesses, she can only attack one target at a time and she needs line of sight to do it.”

Zim then steps in. “The hideous Witchbride is able to teleport instantly anywhere across the battlefield and she is only vulnerable for a few seconds when she is casting her attack spells. Therefore, such a hideous creature would be useful against battlecruisers, Vikings or siege tanks and Thors but useless against marines or---

Suddenly, Zim is lifted in the air and a haze surrounds him. Zim begins to scream as the haze around him starts to crush him like a boa constrictor.

“Whoa! Whoa!” Sam hollers and runs towards the witch. “He didn’t mean it when he called you hideous!” That however angers the Witchbride further and she drops Zim and starts to crush Sam. “Ah—fuck!” the man grits in pain as he tries to go for his gun but his reflexes are like he’s caught in a tar pit.

“Hold on a minute,” comes a familiar Caribbean accent. From out of nowhere, Gabriel tosh, Spectre extraordinaire, decloaks. “It’s time to see if this witch can stand up to my little tricks.”

The Witchbride starts chanting and begins to use its spell on Tosh, but the spectre activates his psionic shield. The powerful spell of the witch wears at the shield but Tosh has many tricks up his sleeve.

He unleashes his brain burst on the witch. A psionic attack strikes the witch, and her spell which totally overrode all physical attacks is useless. The witch shrieks in agony and her shield goes down.

Tosh then makes the kill with his massive Balisong rifle and blows the witch’s head off. Her bloody corpse falls to the ground . . . and Tosh vanishes like a mist in the morning; cloaked again.

Announcer: The Battlecruiser took a trouncing when it came to the deadly cutting beam of the Alcor Warship but the Terrans have a reply to that. . . the science vessel!

In the name of science!

From out of space, flies a large dome shaped spacecraft with a rotating transmitter dish on top of it.

A little window opens up on the corner of the screen and a scientist who looks like Mr. Burns from The Simpsons appears. “Explorer reporting,” he says in that Harry Shearer voice.

Matt Horner explains the craft, while a battered and damaged medevac ship pulls in, leaking fuel and smoking. “The science vessel has few direct methods of attack. It can irradiate targets but its primary function is to repair our mechanical units with its nano beam.”

Matt speaks into the communicator, “Major, show them what you can do.”

“Most definitely,” replies the scientist in the affirmative. From out of the science vessel, a green beam shoots out; but rather than damaging the wounded medevac, it repairs it and in no time it’s good as new.

The Major of the science vessel then turns to the control panel and presses a few buttons. “E equals mc . . . d’oh, let me get my notepad.”

On the ground, teleport a number of headless soldiers. Suddenly, a blast of radiation comes from the science vessel and the headless soldiers all drop in unison as their nervous systems are overloaded.

Pressing a few more buttons, a green beam shoots out of the science vessel and projects a force field around the battlecruiser. Onboard the larger warship, the Russian captain hoots with glee. “Oh yeah!”

And just in time, the Alcor class warship appears again; but this time with the energy matrix in place the powerful energy beam hardly does any damage at all. And with a single Yamato blast, the Alcor is shot down for good.

On the ground Armand is feeling down, “I feel so useless today. We’ve been rushing through so much testing that I haven’t had a chance to see any bodies. I never thought I’d say this but I miss examining chopped up pig carcasses.”

Geoff gives his buddy a pat on the back, “It’s okay pal; we’ll get you something to do soon.”

Zim just laughs, “Feeble earth-worms, your pathetic technology is nothing to ZIM!”

“Why do you keep yelling?” Matt asks the small green alien.

“Because ZIM is mighty; and ZIM has low level Tourette’s syndrome.”

“But you said earlier you didn’t have Tourette’s?” Matt’s confused.

“FOOL! Zim is always confusing!”

Matt shakes his head. “You’re not making any sense.

Suddenly a helicopter zooms in. It’s a familiar Apache helicopter; the only difference from normal flying vehicles is that it’s got several slimy tentacles sticking out of the cockpit instead of a pilot.

“The technopolip is a polyzoic entity cyber engineered by mental to take over fallen enemy units; especially useful when his army began to take heavy casualties.”

Get to da choppa!!!!

Demonstrating its abilities, the technopolip opens fire with its machinegun on the newly repaired medevac ship and shoots it down with relative ease.

“A technopolip can repair the vehicle it’s commandeered, so small arms fire is largely useless.” Zim stops and screams, “THE HUMANS ARE DOOMED!”

To illustrate the point, Zim gestures to Sam, who then lights a cannon.

BOOM!

From out of the cannon fires a fleshy, multi-eyed technopolip like a cyber-lovecraftean nightmare. The beast flies through the air like a shell and then hits the downed Viking from earlier.

The Viking then turns around and fires on a terran wraith. The stealth craft stands no chance without its cloak up and is blown to smithereens, where it’s burnt shell is then taken over by a second technopolip

There’s a screech of metal and some tortured sounds but in thirty seconds (count them, it’s exact) the Viking is rising now with multiple tentacles sticking out of it; ready for battle and ready to fire.

Announcer: Mental has a powerful if eclectic air force, but the Terran’s aren’t beat yet. Jim Raynor has one last card to play in the battle for the skies.

Good for killing those bastard Mutalisks

“The Raven!” Matt shouts, as a robotic winged aircraft looms overhead. “An AI controlled craft that combines the best aspects of surveillance drone and combat engineer. It’s the primary support unit for Raynor’s raiders and it can be found just about anywhere in the Kuprulu sector.”

Tychus throws his support behind the robotic scout. “Yup, this bastard’s brought us outta plenty ah’ tight spots befo’.”

Announcer: To test the effectiveness of the Raven, we’ll pit it against the technopolips as well as a few other units in Mental’s army.

Matt stands at a PC console, with the hot keys ready to control the Raven.

Geoff gives the countdown, “Matt, you go in 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . FOR THE SWARM!”

The Raven takes off and the battle begins. Down on the ground, a small army of headless soldiers marches, firing their slow rocket projectiles as they do. Joining the headless troops are hatchling arachnoids; young versions of the famous scorpion like foes of serious Sam.

This thing made Dale Gribble its bitch

The arachnoids are as tall as a man and with a humanoid torso and head on a scorpion like body and with one claw surgically removed and replaced with a minigun with infinite ammo. The juvenile arachnoid screeches and starts to fire at the raven.

While the rockets of the headless rocketeers miss the Raven, the minigun on the three appearing hatchling arachnoids strikes their mark and does damage. Matt however is on the game. With a click of his mouse, the raven deploys an auto turret.

The robotic controlled machinegun turret opens fire as soon as it hits the ground. The headless troops fall easily. The young arachnoids are more resilient but they also don’t last very long before they’re taken out.

Three technopolips attack the raven next; these strange cybernetic monsters have coopted two apache helicopters (their default form) and a terran Viking.

The two helicopters start to fire missiles at the raven. On the ground, things are terse and Tychus clearly has a lot invested in this match emotionally. “Quick, hot key it! Hot key it! Dammit, it’s the R key!’

“I know!” shouts Matt, losing his cool. “I play against the Koreans all the time.”

From out of the raven’s hold, three spherical objects pop out; these are the hunter seeker missiles. Seconds after that, Matt unleashes the point defense drone; which fires flak that destroys the incoming missiles. However that flak won’t protect against bullets; which is where the homing missiles come in.

While taking a few seconds to launch, the objects that look like floating sea mines zip towards the three air units of Mental.

True to the design of this fine Terran machine, the three evil flyers are destroyed; but the battle is not over.

From over the horizon come an army of witch harpies. Half of them fall back and fire their magic projectiles at the ground turret and at the two more hunter seekers that the raven launches. The agile witches easily dodge the missile while their sisters shoot it down. Also the ground based automatic turret can’t touch them.

Soon, the witch harpies are pummeling the raven and in under a minute the cloned alien women smash it into a burning pile of scrap metal.

Suddenly, a laser blast vaporizes one of the witch harpies. The bird women spin in a defensive pattern; much like a flock of birds as they’re fired upon. They all scatter when a pod of missiles come their way. Many as killed but like nearly all of Mental’s soldiers, the witch harpies have virtually no sense of self preservation.

They swarm around until the Wraith attack vessel is forced to decloak due to lack of energy. Once it does, it too is swarmed by the numerous bird like aliens.

Tychus and Matt watch with disappointment as the robotically controlled wraith is shot down. While good against large units, the agile Terran stealth fighter is much weaker against smaller enemies like the harpies.

I love these suckers

Back at the fight club, the three hosts talk.

“I like the witch bride,” says Max, “She’s going to be deadly against the larger and heavier units that Raynor has; and with the backup of the harpies and ground units she’ll be lethal.”

“That’s true,” says Armand, “But I’m leaning for Raynor on this one. Mental’s air force is lacking. It might have been good enough to destroy the earth in the time of Serious Sam but for the age of StarCraft it’s sorely lacking. Not to mention that Jim Raynor’s units are more durable and usually more intelligent.”

“Yeah, I agree,” Geoff iterates, “Jim Raynor’s used to giant mobs of swarming enemies. He’s even been outnumbered by the Protoss. He’s going to feel right at home when Mental attacks.”

Edge: Raynor’s Raiders

Announcer: That’s all for part one, tune in next week as the ragtag forces of Jim Raynor take the pitiless screaming hordes of galactic Lord Mental head on.

And for now here’s a message from out sponsors.

The screen shows the Spike TV logo.

Captions: from the studio that brought you Deadliest Warrior . . .

The Spike logo fades away to reveal the Nickelodeon logo and a picture of Sweden’s Charles XII.

And the makers of Avatar: the Last Airbender and sponsored by the most badass monarch in European history; comes an episode of the award winning series, the Legend of Korra unlike anything seen before.

The scene cuts to a still shot of the statue of Avatar Aang in in middle of the night. All is peaceful, all in calm in Republic city until—

A lonely figure walks down the gothic streets of Republic city. Viewers of the legend of Korra will recognize this as the bender hating madman, Amon.

Other anime villains check under the bed for this guy

The masked lunatic reaches into his coat and pulls out a remote control. In his smooth, snake like voice he hisses, “And here we go.” He presses the button . . .

BOOOM!!!!!!!!!

The statue of Aang blows up and sadistic laugher rings out as it crumbles.

Fast paced music starts to play as Korra charges down a street riding her polar bear dog, naga; who has two miniguns strapped to her side that are firing full blast.

Republic City is at war and even that Avatar can’t stop the madness.

Amon’s equalist soldiers run through the rubble of destroyed city hall, firing their tommy guns at the metal bending policeforce.

It’s a tale of sex—

Bolin and Mako are at a strip club, with two hot twin stripers making out. Mako looks uncomfortable but Bolin embraces his brother and shouts, “Yeah! TONIGHT!” All nipples are censored unfortunately

both of them want to see Korra naked

Violence—

Korra lands in the middle of a group of equalists and starts to throw moves that would make Jet Li Envious. The sexy Asami runs over Amon’s lieutenant and backs him over in her satomobile before pulling out a revolver and shooting him in the head.

Prepare your anus

The normally placid Tenzin freaks out on an unseen person. “You wanna get nuts?” he screams before grabbing a bottle and smashing it over his head. “Then let’s get nuts!” And airbends a butcher knife so it spins in the air.

 He`s just excited for part two of this match

The music picks up and a rapid set of images are show, Amon pulling out a sawn off shotgun and firing, Korra punching through a stone wall, Mako raining down fire on a swarm of zombies—

Korra appears before Team Avatar 2.0, “I need to get into the Avatar state.” On cue, Asami pops the hood of her satomobile and Korra takes off her shirt to reveal that she’s not wearing a bra; giving Mako and Bolin anime nosebleeds.

If you`re not in love with her you`re a robot

“Juice me,” says Korra, right before she fastens a jumper cable to her left nipple and her tongue. Asami floors it, doing a sexy hair wave as he does.

The screen turns psychedelic colors as Korra is lit up like a Christmas tree.

And guest starring everyone’s favorite Fire Lord

A wall is torn down as Korra is held prisoner a band of equalist armed with electric gloves and machetes.

It’s none other than Fire Lord Zuko! He’s tall, old and pissed; like Fu Manchu’s firebending cousin. “Did I catch you fuckers at a bad time?” he asks before literally unleashing an ungodly firestorm upon Korra’s foes.

See the latest and greatest Avatar as she was meant to be seen; rated M for mature--only on Spike TV!

Korra, in glowing Avatar state turns slowly towards the camera. Then, she gives the middle finger to the camera, before screaming like a human hurricane about to destroy everything.

Lightning flashes, and for a split second, Amon’s mask is illuminated.

See you soon, for equality.