Master of the Boot's Deadliest Warrior
Tyler Durden vs. Charlie Bronson
Disclaimer: I do not own Fight Club or the movie Bronson. This is done for purely entertainment purposes and is not in any making me a buck. It would be sweet if it did though. This fight takes place as of 2010. Also see if you can spot a reference to American History X in this.
Tyler in the middle, ain't he lovely?
And this is Charlie, played by Tom Hardy. Say hello :)
Announcer: Tyler Durden, founder of the infamous Fight Club and mastermind behind project Mayhem
The camera shows a sharply dressed man with a dangerous glint in his eyes. Behind him, a whole office building explodes and others follow its example
A seeming superman whose will can overpower nearly everything, Durden is a living legend
In the fight club, Durden battles it out with his men, embracing an ideology of blood, pain and machismo.
Announcer: But is even Tyler Durden a match for Britain's most violent prisoner?
The camera shows prison guards escorting a muscular man with a moustache and shaved head. The man laughs as the guards haul him down to solitary confinement.
The camera shifts to show the same large, muscular man in a series of still shots.
Announcer: Charlie Bronson, born Michael Gordon Peterson has spent thirty-four years in prison, thirty years in solitary confinement—
The pictures flash; Bronson punches a guard in the face while grappling with another, Bronson grabs a fellow con by the throat and slams him against a wall, hostages are menaced by Bronson waving a giant knife, Bronson grins like a maniac as blood splatters his face.
—and loved every minute of it.
The camera changes again to show Durden and Bronson standing side by side, like a couple of fighters from an old arcade game.
Stats:
Tyler Durden:
Height-5'9
Weight-170 lbs.
Weapons-glock 19, baseball bat, fire axe, fertilizer bomb
Crimes-homicide, terrorism, sedition, assault with intent to wound
Charlie Bronson:
Height-5'10.5
Weight-210 lbs.
Weapons-sawed off shotgun, hammer, homemade spear, prison riot
Crimes-armed robbery, wounding with intent, wounding, criminal damage, grievous bodily harm, false imprisonment, blackmail, threatening to kill
See Tyler
See Charlie
Announcer: Black belt and biomedical expert Geoff Desmoulins will measure the impact of the weapons present.
"Weapons kill," says Geoff. "It's my job to see which weapon is kills more effectively."
Computer specialist Max Geiger helms the computer program designed by Slytherin studios which will appraise the two warriors.
"These guys cross the line, they're the kind of men you only read about in psychology textbooks under the chapter about extreme personalities," inserts the resident computer master.
Armand Dorian, former fight doctor and ER medic will assess the lethality of the wounds.
"Geoff tells you which weapon is deadlier, I tell you which wound is deadlier. It's as simple as that," says the medic as he gathers up tools for the upcoming episode.
Announcer: These two maniacs have never fought each other before. If they were to battle one another, who would prevail?
The screen flashes to show a scene of Bronson and Tyler fighting each other with fist, tooth and nail.
A battle between the man everyone wants to be
Lighting up a cigarette, Tyler Durden casually flips a switch on a detonator and blows up a city building.
Versus someone that nobody wants to fuck with
Bronson brutally beats a fellow inmate into a stain for disrespecting his mop and bucket.
A fight between mayhem
Tyler Durden fights a man in a brawl, but every time he gets a hit he just smiles and keeps on going
And madness
Bronson wrestles with a guard, sinking his teeth into the man's cheek and attempting to rip the screaming man's face off.
Announcer: all in the quest to decide finally
WHO
IS
DEADLIEST?
Announcer: Representing Tyler Durden are borderline personality Marla Singer, Durden's main squeeze and the nameless narrator from the move Fight club. For the sake of convenience and to protect his privacy, we'll name him "Joe."
Marla appears before the camera. She looks like a washed out wanna-be Goth with too much masquera who's chain-smoking like it's going out of fashion. "Tyler Durden will win this fight because . . . ah fuck it; I just want my money when this thing is done." She throws her cigarette to the ground and lights up another one. Next to her is a giant oil drum which seems to be completely filled with nothing but cigarette butts.
Then Joe the narrator appears before the camera. Unlike Marla he seems quite enthusiastic about this. "I'll tell you why Tyler Durden will win; because he's fucking Tyler Durden. He could kick Jackie Chan's ass. He could beat those flue fags from the move Avatar. He could convince Neo to give up, never mind that "because I choose to" bullshit. He could kill superman with a glance and make lesbians go straight. He could—
And he keeps going on and on like this. Next to him, Marla rolls her eyes and the camera cuts him off in mid speech.
Announcer: Representing Charlie Bronson are two lowlifes from the seedy underworld of London.
Before the camera appears a bald man that despite his advanced years, looks like he could easily drown a much younger man in the toilet or else beat him to death.
Lenny McLean, known as the "Guv'nor" is Britain's greatest bareknuckle boxer and an associate of Charlie Bronson.
"I fought with Charlie and got to know him quite well," says Lenny with a thick but charming accent. "Charlie is a sweet and kind man, until you get him angry."
Lenny cracks his knuckles and elaborates. "With his bare hands, Charlie killed a one hundred and fifty pound Rottweiler, on two separate fights because nobody would fight him. When Charlie is good, he's very good. When Charlie is bad, he's extremely fucking bad."
During his brief career as a bareknuckle boxer in London's East End, Charlie was represented by boxing promoter Paul Daniels.
The camera then shows a laid back Englishman in a track suit who may or may not be gay. Paul is a distinct figure with black gloves and a cigarette; unlike Marla he seems to be taking the time to enjoy his smoke.
"Charlie didn't earn the title of Britain's Most Violent Prisoner for nothing, darling," Paul quips in a dry voice. "Prison is where he thrived; it's where he found an audience."
Now that the experts have spoken, it's time to see what the hosts think of this match.
Geoff appears with his view. "I'm going to give this to Tyler. He's every man's fantasy; all badassery and no responsibility."
Armand has a different view. "I have to give the initial edge to Charlie for the reason of sheer physical power alone. He holds six world records for physical strength and he's even bent the bars of his prison cell during his prime."
Max spins around in his swivel chair to face the camera. "Personally, I think these guys are going to both kill each other. Tyler never backs down from a fight and Bronson never retreats. When an immoveable object meets an unstoppable force, both get killed."
Announcer: To get the ball rolling we test firearms, Charlie's double barrelled shotgun vs. Tyler Durden's Glock 19 9mm.
3:18 for shooting
Joe shows up in front of the camera, finally done his gushing fan boy speech about Tyler's virility. In his hand he holds up a small, easily concealable pistol with skate tape wrapped around the handle in strips for extra grip in less than ideal conditions.
"Behold the Glock 19 subcompact pistol, one of the most popular guns ever sold and made in the United States of America," Joe extolls. "Tyler Durden likes this pistol because it's a criminal's gun; easy to conceal and easy to find ammo for."
Joe pulls back the slide and ejects the magazine. "The gun barrel uses a female type of polygonal rifling with a right hand twist."
Geoff asks a question for all the non-gun nuts out there. "So what does that mean?"
"It means that instead of having grooves cut into the inside of the barrel like a rifle, the barrel of the Glock is hexagonal shaped on the inside. That way the thickness of the barrel isn't compromised."
"What other benefits does this pistol have?" Max asks.
"Well it's not the most accurate gun out there but the nine millimetre bullets it uses are highly controllable and you can get great grouping on the double tap and it's extremely reliable."
Lenny McLean is not impressed by the Glock. "I've got shit bigger than that gun," he says.
"Well put, darling," says Paul, taking a lazy puff of his cigarette.
"Don't knock it until you've tried it," Marla says between puffs of her umpteenth cigarette.
Announcer: to test the Glock, a mock-up of a prison cafeteria has been set up with real food.
In the desert area for firearms testing there is a table with four dummies dressed in orange inmate jumpers. Some distance behind the table is a mock-up of a counter where dummies dressed like cooks pretend to prepare shitty food for the inmate's consumption. Steam rises up from pans of beans and gruel and something that by god looks like it came out of an animal's ass.
Joe stands with the glock fully loaded. Geoff calls over to him, "Joe, we're on a schedule!"
Joe pulls back the slide assembly of the gun and flicks off the safety. "I'm ready!" he yells
Geoff gives the countdown. "3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . FIRE!"
Without further encouragement, Joe takes a bead and fires off three rounds at the first dummy. From under the dummy's garment red begins to pool. He shifts his name and begins to bust caps into the asses of the other dummies sitting at the table. One dummy with its back to Joe takes a bullet right between the shoulder blade and another gets a shoulder shot. A bullet goes wide.
With the table dummies taken care of, Joe then spends his remaining bullets on the lunch lady dummies. Two bullets go wide and splatter fried beans and gruel everywhere. The camera then very clearly records a dummy taking a bullet between its vacant eyes.
Though it seems like it's been forever, the test has only taken a few seconds and Joe's gun runs empty.
Armand and the crew walk up to assess the destruction. Armand points to the dummy who took one to the shoulders. "This guy is dead due to close proximity of the bullet to the heart."
Armand looks at the second dummy on the table. "This guy got hit in the spine and he's paralyzed but he's not in any immediate danger of dying."
Paul lights a new smoke and gives Joe a wry glance. "Boom, headshot-not, darling."
"Shut up," says Joe.
Armand points to the two dummies on the other side of the table. "Both of these guys have taken bullets dead center to the chest, where you want to deliver for an instant kill."
His gloved finger points to the neck of one of the dummies. "You've got a nick here; didn't even hit any arteries."
"But he's already dead," Marla deadpans.
Finally the group goes to examine the lunch lady dummies. "Headshot," says Geoff. No need for a fancy medical degree there.
"Boom," Max adds with a smile.
Armand inspects the last dummy. "Well, you've got a graze shot here and a bullet wound just above the armpit. This would is a slow kill. The guy will be in a lot of pain but it may be an hour or more before he finally dies of his injuries."
"So," says Max. "Team Durden has got four definite kills, one questionable kill and one wound. What has Team Bronson got to say to that?"
Lenny smiles, his broad features contorting. "We have just the thing, guv."
Announcer: The sawed off shotgun, the weapon that Charlie used to pull off his first ever crime.
Here's some poetry to mix things up
The camera shows a scene of a twenty year old Charlie robbing a post office for twenty-six pounds and eighteen pence.
In the same desiccated area, Lenny the Guv'nor holds a reliable sawed off double barrelled shotgun in his hands. His description is not too technical but it really educates and entertains.
"I bought this shotgun from a bird named Honest John; if I find that he ripped me off I'm gonna snap his neck and stick his head up his fucking ass."
One of Lenny's large hands reaches and taps the tip of the barrels. "I used a hacksaw to cut down this gun so's that I could conceal it under my coat and when I shoot it I like to use a double ought buckshot load."
At last he gingerly caresses the stock. "This gun has a walnut stock and it even had a cleaning kit thrown in for free. And because it's hammerless I can shoot it right away."
"Come on," says Joe. "That gun has a shorter range than ours. We'll kill you from a mile off."
Lenny doesn't think highly of Joe's lip. "At any range your little gun will just piss a man off. Our gun will blow a man out of his boots."
Announcer: Like Joe, Lenny will be timed to kill six targets in a recreation environment.
This time the setting is of an office building, like the one where Joe works at; spending all day thinking about how his mother stifled him and wishing he could be like Tyler and ignoring the fact that better jobs can be found across the street. There are four dummies at a conference table and two dummies standing behind a receptionist counter.
Lenny doesn't bother to put his earphones on; he's already begun to lose his hearing. His beefy hands load two shells into the gun.
"Lenny, are you ready?" Geoff shouts.
In reply, Lenny snaps the shotgun closed and takes aim.
Countdown is given. "In 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . BLAST THEM!"
Lenny squeezes the trigger and the boom of the shotgun sounds like a cannon's retort. The nearest dummy has its head blown into chunks. From the devastation, fake blood splatters all over everything in impressionist patterns.
A split second passes by before the second dummy takes a blast to the chest. Fake blood goes flying and papers on the desk are scattered to the four winds.
Lenny must stop and reload; he loses valuable time as he pops out the shells and expertly inserts two more in a time saving technique.
Two more gunshots in close succession and blood is leaked all over the place as stationary is blown away.
Reloading once more, the Guv'nor takes aim at the receptionist dummies. Buckshot strikes the dummy in the chest but the effect is nowhere near as dramatic or pronounced; courtesy of the increased distance. The second dummy gets struck down in similar fashion and just for show, Lenny loads one more time and shoots down the prop telephone that was sitting next to the receptionist dummy.
When the gun smoke clears, Paul claps for his partner. "Bravo, love," the possibly gay Englishman says.
"Thanks," Lenny replies.
Still holding their weapons, the two teams of experts follow the hosts as they go to check the dummies.
Armand looks at the first two dummies. "Nothing with a hold that big blown into it is coming back; two instant kills."
He looks at the other two nearby dummies. "Those are also dead; at this range the shotgun is totally deadly."
They walk over to the far off receptionist dummies. Armand inspects the blood soaked patterns on the shirts. "This is a bit more problematic." At this, everyone gives the doctor their full attention, even Marla. "These dummies here are pretty much standing at the very outer limit of the shotgun's lethal range."
Geoff fills in a bit of information. "That's right, for every foot you cross the buckshot spreads out by one inch."
"That's right," says Armand, "and these two dummies are not instant kills. Granted, the buckshot did hit some major arteries in both of them but it's not instant kills."
"So four instant kills and two slow kills," Max surmises. "It's still better than the glock."
"Yeah, but our gun has longer range," Marla points out.
"True," Geoff says, "not to mention that larger clip size should be a factor."
After some deliberation the edge is decided. Armand announcer, "We normally don't do it this way but due to advantages in range and clip size, the edge goes to the glock.
Lenny curses while Paul acts nonchalant.
Edge: Glock 19
Announcer: In this match both fighters bring deadly close quarters weapons with them.
The camera shows footage of Tyler Durden with a baseball bat. He takes the bat and drives it straight forward into a man's sternum. While the man is down gasping for air, Durden swings the bat overhead and cracks the man's skull just as he looks up.
Good for more than hitting a ball
The scene changes once more and shows Bronson brutally stabbing a man in the back with the claws of a hammer. Violently, he rips the weapon from the man's back and just leaves him there to bleed.
In the fluorescent lights of the fight club, Paul stands with a hammer. It's a nice looking hammer with a wooden handle and stainless steel head. "Most people use hammers for nails, love. Charlie uses a hammer for skulls, bones and just about anything breakable."
Cracks skulls like eggs
Paul turns and gives a look to Joe and Marla. "Since we don't play baseball in the lovely old United Kingdom," he puts emphasis on the word "united."
"We have to use whatever we can to get the job done."
"Yeah right," exclaims Joe. "Our weapon has longer range."
Paul winks at Joe. "To use the popular expression; it's not the size but how you use it, darling."
Announcer: Set up for Paul to kill is a dummy made from ballistics gel; designed specifically to simulate human flesh, bone and organs.
On screen, Geoff and Max strap motion sensors to Paul's wrist and the hammer. Meanwhile, Armand yanks the cigarette from Paul's mouth because he doesn't support smoking in any way, shape or form. Luckily, Paul doesn't use the hammer on Armand.
At last, Paul is ready to do some killing.
Geoff gives the countdown. "Paul, in 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . FOR THE QUEEN!"
Paul swings the hammer down, right on top of the skull. The blow shatters the skull and the business end of the hammer punches deep into the brain tissue. Not finished yet, Paul yanks the hammer from the skull and swings sideways with the claws.
The claws of the hammer go in sideways through the temple and come out the eye.
Pulling backwards, Paul tears out the eye and severely rips through the tin bone of the temple area. Showing surprising strength for a man of his laid back demeanour, Paul swings again and strikes with the hammer right on the sternum. The hosts and guests can all hear the sound of bone breaking.
As a coup de grace, Paul runs behind the dummy and hooks the claws into the hole he created on the first strike. Pulling back as hard as he can, there is a temporary delay and then the whole top of the skull comes off like a stuck on jar lid.
Finally done with the slaughter, Paul pulls out another cigarette and inhales a deep breath of cancer causer.
As he walks back to the testing booth, Lenny gives him a pat on the shoulder.
Armand is shown inspecting the carnage. "The first hit was immediately fatal, although it failed to break the neck."
He then points to the eye socket. "While cripplingly painful and dramatic, this wasn't a kill; at best it would have blinded this guy and torn out the optic nerve."
Geoff points to the damage at the sternum. "How did that blow do?"
"This is an interesting strike," says Armand. "Depending how much force goes into it, this guy could be looking at a collapsed lung or even a ruptured lung; which will require immediate medical attention."
"There is also the possibility of bruising of the heart muscle, which can lead to irregular heartbeat or death. From this one hit alone, I'd say that this guy has a forty to twenty five percent chance of death."
"But it's not an instant kill," Marla blurts.
"Yeah," says Joe, "We'll show you what a real weapon looks like.
At that, Marla yanks the baseball bat from Joe's hand and says. "Give me that." Joe backs off from the angry woman as she rolls her eyes at him. "Homo," she mocks. She likes Tyler Durden much better than she likes Joe.
Announcer: To test the killing power of the baseball bat, Marla is given a live zombie to get to work on.
Marla stands before a zombie which is chained from every limb. She's changed out of her dress into a gothic version of a baseball player's uniform. With the cigarette in her mouth and the baseball bat she looks like a really slutty female athlete. She's not afraid of the zombie though, no matter how much it gnashes its teeth and moans at her; she's had worse boyfriends in the past than this.
Max takes the stopwatch and gives Marla the countdown. "Okay Marla, you go medieval on this guy's ass in 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . NOW!"
Swinging as hard as she can, Marla decides to draw this out a bit. She swings first at the zombie's knee. The bone shatters like glass and the zombie would topple except for the chains holding the ghoul in place.
Winding back for another one, Marla strikes the zombie across the chest; making a massive impression across the ribs with bone breaking force.
The gaunt woman swings a few more times at the zombie in order to get out some of her frustration. She swings with such fury that she ever loses her cigarette. At last when she's had enough and the zombie is nearly broken to bits she hits it in the head. The strike completely blows open the zombie's head like a melon and undead brain matter splatters all over the floor.
Everyone applauds and cheers for Marla, even Paul and the Guv'nor are quite impressed by her display. Even Joe claps for her, although he seems slightly hesitant. For the first time, Marla smiles; she found killing that zombie to be quite therapeutic. She ought to start a fight club for girls; no lipstick and no weapons.
Armand goes to examine the dead zombie. "Well head wound aside, the damage to the ribs is much greater than it was with the hammer; leading to a much greater chance of pulmonary damage and cardiac failure."
He points at the zombie's mangled knee. "That's an agonizing strike and the bone is in such a sorry state that he's likely going to need his leg to be amputated."
"You're pretty good at this, Marla," says Geoff. "You should consider joining up with the STARS team from Raccoon City."
Marla smiles once more but takes her time getting another cigarette. "Thanks," Paul does her a courtesy and lights her smoke.
"Don't mention it, love," Paul replies smoothly.
With that business taken care of, the guys examine the data.
"Well there's no doubt," Max exclaims. "The hammer is lethal beyond any shadow of a doubt and I certainly wouldn't want Bronson charging me with one."
"That's right Max," says Geoff. "But when you get right down to it, the baseball bat is America's criminal melee weapon of choice for a reason."
"Definitely," Armand mentions, "I wouldn't want to get either of those weapons to the groin but if I had to pick I'd take the hammer; edge baseball bat."
Announcer: At the halfway point, tempers are already flaring and belief is put to the test.
Joe appears before the camera. "I've got nothing but respect for Charlie Bronson, but he's got one very big disadvantage over Tyler Durden. Charlie Bronson has never killed anybody, not a soul."
Lenny McLean appears before the camera. "That is true, Charlie's never killed anyone. Instead of killing you he prefers to break your skull and leave you lying in a pool of your own blood and piss."
Announcer: Originally a soap salesman, Durden founded an underground fight club which soon spread across America.
The camera shows stock footage of Durden rallying a band of men and showing them something other than their little world of Wal-Mart and Ikea. The image changes to Durden fighting with Edward Norton in a bareknuckle match.
Later he turned this group towards terrorism on a scale unseen.
Tyler watches with satisfaction as skyscrapers blow up and he begins to roast marshmallows over the flames.
Announcer: By contrast, Charlie Bronson is a one man wrecking machine.
The camera shows a scene at hostage incident. In a showdown with police, Charlie rips a washing machine off the wall hoping to electrocute himself to death.
The scene changes once more, this time showing Charlie having a psychotic fit at Broadmoor asylum for the criminally insane, smashing furniture and cameras before eventually setting fire to the roof.
In over thirty years as a prisoner, Charlie Bronson has caused the British penal system over ten million pounds in damages and has been moved around one hundred and twenty times in various prisons and mental hospitals.
The scene comes back into the present and Joe and the Guv'nor are shown holding two more formidable weapons. In Joe's hands is a standard fire axe, one specifically sharpened to better cut through human flesh. Lenny on the other hand has a bit more of an exotic weapon.
He appears to be carrying some kind of homemade spear. The shaft of the spear seems to be made from a broom handle or something the like. The tip of the spear is a rather large looking knife attached to the handle with some wire and duct tape.
This was as close as I could get to the spear, since they probably didn't let Charlie keep it
Joe just looks at the strange homemade spear with incredulity plain on his face. "What is that monstrosity?"
Lenny elaborates for Joe. "At Hull prison in nineteen ninety-nine, Charlie had another hostage taking incident."
"He kidnapped a prison teacher at Hull Prison and led the cunt around on a leash for forty-seven hours with this spear while singing Yellow Submarine." Lenny smirks a little bit. "Charlie's had more hostages than Saddam Hussein."
"Well it's obvious who's more mental," Geoff points out. "But we need to find out who's deadliest. Lenny, can you show us how to use a spear."
"With pleasure," says Britain's greatest bareknuckle boxer.
Arranged around Lenny are a series of foam dummies. Their blank faces show no fear towards the dismemberment that's coming their way rapidly. To finish the deal a pig's carcass has also been set up to test the impact of the spear more accurately.
Armand takes the stopwatch and gives the count. "Governor, are you ready?"
"Fuck yeah!" Lenny shouts, gripping the spear in his hands.
Armand nods. "Then you attack in 3 . . . 2. . . 1 . . . CHARGE!"
Lenny begins with a scream and a charge. "FUCKER!" he shouts before thrusting the spear into the throat of one dummy. Fake blood stains the blade red. Lenny immediately yanks it out and thrusts it once more into the dummy's heart.
Pulling out the spear, he strikes at a dummy to the left with a slashing attack. Swinging in a wide arc like a halberd, Lenny slashes the dummy across the throat before spinning around and driving the butt of the handle into dummy's nose.
Running forward, Lenny gives the pig carcass a hard kick in the side before jumping back and driving the knife blade/spearhead right into the heart of the hog. He begins to hack and slash with the spear as if it were an axe.
"CUNT!" Lenny screams once more before spearing one dummy in the throat and stabbing another one in the eye.
Geoff calls for the test to be over but Lenny keeps going. He begins to stab the pig multiple times before throwing down the spear and start punching the hog in the face. Everyone watches in horror and awe as the Guv'nor unleashed the bareknuckle fury that made him famous.
At last, Lenny backs off, spits on the pig and walks away. Marla generously hands Lenny a hand wipe for his bloody knuckles as Joe stands by flabbergasted.
Armand inspects the pig carcass. "Well this may be off topic but Lenny had got one hell of a punch. This pig is missing teeth and if it were alive it would need medical attention."
He lowers his hand to indicate the stab wounds. "Given that you're using a large carving knife as a spearhead, you get over five inches of penetration into the flesh. In a human being only two inches are necessary to get lethal penetration."
He then examines the neck of the pig. "The knife was able to slice through the pig's tough skin. The wounds aren't that deep but they cut right through the major arteries; instant kill right there."
"Not to mention that the length of the handle gives you some distance," Max remarks.
"Hold on," Joe protests, "That thing is nice when I want some Avant guard art for my house but I'll take a real weapon over a handmade toothpick any day."
Announcer: The fire axe, normally used to save lives, Durden uses it for a far more sinister purpose
Joe stands before the camera with a fire axe. "This is a fire axe; you can find it or buy it just about anywhere. It's a four pound axe and the spike on the back of the handle gives you some options to fight. Unlike that spear this won't just fall apart on you."
"The thing about Charlie is that unlike your boy, he doesn't need an axe or a gun to finish you off," Lenny boasts.
Joe smirks, "I don't think so."
Geoff calls to the narrator of Fight Club. "Joe, are you ready?"
"HOO-RA!" Joe calls out, imitating the Marines.
"In 3 . . . 2 . . . 2 . . . one and half . . . KILL!"
Already poised to attack, Joe doesn't waste a minute. The axe comes down right on the dummy's skull, splitting it like kindling. Struggling to extricate the axe from the realistic bone inside, Joe finally manages to yank the big blade out.
Turning the axe around on its axis, he uses the spike on the back to punch a hole in the brain case and into the delicate organ inside.
Yelling loudly, Joe winds up for another strike but he's nowhere near as intimidating as the Guv'nor.
Marla has gone back to being unimpressed by this display of so called manhood and she lights another smoke for herself.
Back at the dummy, Joe gives the dummy a nice chop to the liver. As he pulls the blade out, guts and blood spill out all over the ground. At last he moves in for the decapitation move, the surest way to kill a human being.
He winds up and chops it right in the throat. A tremor runs up the axe as the blade hits the spinal column. He pulls back and with one more chop the head comes off.
Armand picks up the severed head off the ground while Max and Geoff look on with fear and awe. "Well, this guy is dead; anybody could tell you that."
The medical doctor then points to the severed neck on the dummy. "Even though it took you two strikes to get the head off the first one would have been an instant kill."
"The ligaments, muscles and vertebrae of the neck are very tough, which is why it's hard to make beheading humane without the help of a skilled executioner."
Joe just laughs at Lenny and Paul. "Beat that, you limey fucks."
Paul and Lenny don't look worried in the slightest. "Didn't you hear, Joe," says Paul, "Charlie doesn't need a spear or an axe to win this fight. Tyler Durden may command the respect of slightly fat, middle aged office workers but Charlie is a whole other ballgame, darling."
Announcer: The hosts must decide which weapon has the edge but it won't be easy.
"Well, I vote for the weapon that's not made with duct tape and a broom handle," says Geoff. "With a homemade weapon like that there are too many variables to consider given that Charlie Bronson isn't a great craftsman."
"I beg to differ," Armand disagrees. "The spear performed well under the tests and it did its job, not to mention the fact that it gives its user a range advantage over the axe."
"I agree," Max concurs with his good buddy. "Another thing to consider is that the axe took way too long to swing, even for a very strong user. By comparison, the spear is light and it can get a killing thrust before you even know it."
It's a close call but in the end, the convict gets the edge over the anarchist.
Edge: Homemade Spear
Announcer: Both of these men are known for never pulling a punch
Bronson bites off a guard's ear. Tyler punches out Chuck Norris.
So it makes sense that they would use weapons above and beyond the call of duty.
The camera then shows a massive jury rigged explosive device
Announcer: The fertilizer bomb, a similar model used by Durden to the one which devastated the World Trade Center bombings.
This is what the aftermath of the fertilizer bomb looks like
Before the camera, Joe stands before a massive contraption which is all jury rigged wiring, hydrogen tanks and unmarked bags of some substance or other.
"When it comes to terrorism, Tyler is in the know," Joe explains. "Based on what he learned from other terrorist extremists, Tyler put this thing together." He waves a hand over the deadly contraption.
"This baby is roughly one thousand pounds of mostly urea nitrate mixed in with aluminum, ferric oxide and magnesium stirred through it for extra effect."
He points to another part of the bomb where tanks of compressed gas are attached. "These contain compressed hydrogen, just like the Hindenburg. When the bomb goes off these tanks rupture, creating a thermobaric effect much greater than conventional explosives. Not to mention that it creates an awesome fireball."
Joe then points to a panel of improvised electronics. "This is the detonator of the device, like IED's in Iraq and Afghanistan it uses a cell phone signal to trigger a circuit that detonates the bomb. Hence, Tyler only has to make one phone call and then . . . mayhem, gentlemen."
Announcer: in what will be our most spectacular weapons test yet, our experts will detonate the improvised bomb inside an abandoned building and see if they can bring it down.
The screen changes to show a condemned eight story building which while structurally sound is no longer fit for human habitation.
There is a frenzy of activity as the hosts and guest experts haul in what looks like an army of foam dummies, pig carcasses and a few gel dummies. In for the aid are hundreds of hired hands to get in the proper number of targets and rig in the appropriate sensors. The whole thing is designed to replicate a major act of terrorism as per Durden's style.
In a special safety truck escorted by police and firefighters is the bomb itself; heavily guarded in the event that somebody jackknifes them or rear ends them and triggers it all prematurely. Overseeing the whole costly operation is retired FBI agent Frank Doyle, who is famous for his work with the Mythbusters. Frank is highly nervous about this operation due to the proximity to a populated area so he lights a cigarette to calm himself down.
Police shoo any bystanders who might be standing too close and after some deliberation and hard work the operation is a go.
The whole situation is tense as they prepare to explode the largest bomb in Deadliest Warrior history.
At last the epic moment has come; it's time to trigger a thousand pounds of explosive plus a lot of burning hydrogen.
Before Geoff, Armand and Max is a remote control with a giant red button on it. The guys regard the detonator with the same reverence as a holy object. At last when there is no more time, Geoff gives the countdown that everybody is waiting for.
"3 . . . 2 . . . 1. . . BLAST IT!"
His thumb hits the detonator and all hell breaks loose. The explosion seems to rip apart the very fabric of space and time; it all happens so fast that you'd miss it if you blinked. Luckily nobody here blinked.
There is a giant fireball and a whole section of the building just vanishes—gone, vaporized in an instant. So much concrete and façade is reduced to nothing is the fraction of a second. The concussive impact is massive and even through soundproof headphones the crew and cast feel like their eardrums are going to rupture.
They can't tell if anything survived the blast, only it seems likely that anything at ground zero is unlikely to have survived to become anything larger than a matchbox.
Like a firecracker going off, there's a sense of disappointment when it's all over but nobody is sorry that they blew it all up. They only regret that they don't have another one.
The only one who isn't cheering is the Guv'nor. Lenny forgot to put on his ear protection and now he cannot hear a thing. "I fucking can't hear a thing!" he yells, tone deaf.
"Well that's what you deserve," Marla admonishes Lenny between puffs of her cigarette.
Announcer: Impressive as that was, the results are in the dummies.
Assembly line style, the guys have taken to stacking up the dummies, reading the monitors and gauges and then throw them into a second pile. It takes some time but the hired help is a big deal.
The results of the bomb are somewhat counterintuitive. Armand stands before a giant heap of burnt and battered dummies. "As devastating as that was, there were only seven deaths caused by the bomb. The kill count would have been greater if the building had collapsed but it didn't."
The camera then shows Max. "Thousands were injured by the blast but I was expecting a lot more. I don't think that merely injuring is going to stop men like Durden or Bronson."
Announcer: Team Bronson however believes that they have a superior "weapon" to the fertilizer bomb.
Paul stands before the crew and cast and makes an announcement. "We're going to start a prison riot, everyone."
When a prison riot happens, you don't want to be anywhere near it
Joe is stunned by the revelation. "You can't do that, people will get killed."
"Shut up," says Marla. She wants to see some killing.
"Normally we try to err on the side of safety," Geoff explains, "But in this case the potential ratings will be so high that the executives have given us the green light."
Announcer: With that, the crew flies off to merry old England, and to Wakefield Prison
The camera pans to show a large government building with a high fence that looks a lot like a school from a distance.
Announcer: Wakefield Prison is England's largest maximum security prison; designed exclusively for category A male offenders. Nicknamed the Monster Mansion and established in 1594, Wakefield is home to over six hundred sex offenders and criminals guilty of violent crimes against women and children. Charlie Bronson had the pleasure of spending eight years here.
If you are an inmate here, your life is pretty much over
Armand takes a moment to explain how this whole setup is going to work. "What we'll do is set up a variety of dummies through the prison yard and hallways."
Cut to a scene of the prison guards moving foam, gel dummies and pig carcasses into strategic locations across the prison.
Geoff takes over the role of explaining. "At exactly noon we're going to release all the inmates from their jail cells and do some stuff to provoke them."
Max stands over a large wooden crate. "We're going to throw tear gas at them, throw garbage on them, toss in some stink bombs for good measure and may be light some fires." Though he doesn't have the greatest upper body strength, Max uses a crowbar to rip open one of the crates and from inside of it he pulls out a bottle of cheap wine. "At one point I want to fire some wine bottles out of a cannon at the convicts; if that doesn't rile them up then nothing will."
Armand stands before the camera with what looks like an army of paramedics backing him up. The rating that they get on TV had better be worth the loss in life and potential injuries that will be incurred by this crazy stunt. "We're looking at every manner of injuries waiting to be inflicted here. In this prison the scum of the universe are kept locked up. Each one of them has a solitary cell. They have their own little kitchens inside their cells because it would be too dangerous to give them a cafeteria. One inmate killed a guard and partially devoured his brain a few years back."
Announcer: The prison is a powder keg and we are holding the match, it's time to light the fuse!
Inside the prison, all of the cell doors open at once. At first the inmates step out with looks of confusion on their faces. Then they all start to eye each other suspiciously as if waiting to kill each other. It is then that Max, along with a half a dozen cannons gives the order to open fire.
Black powder artillery loaded with bottles of wine fire on the cons. It's not lethal, but the cons are showered in painful glass shards and plus they now all smell like wine; so they're twice as mad now. This is all that's needed to unleash hell.
A great maelstrom of malevolent human activity is unleashed. The prisoners attack each other, attack the guards and attack the dummies and pig carcasses with equal fury. The hosts look on with fascination and horror as seven inmates go psycho on some foam dummies, ripping them apart with sharpened spoons and their bare hands. One guy actually appears to be eating a pig carcass like a hungry lion.
In one area of the prison, the guards have managed to herd the prisoners into a containment area. Just for spite, the guards throw in canisters of tear gas after the cons are all locked up. This infuriates the prisoners more and they began to attack the concrete walls and metal bars with their bare hands
Somewhere in the prison, an angry baboon runs down the halls on all fours, shrieking and foaming like it's rabid. The rabid baboon stops here and there to scratch and bits random guards and cons with its long fangs and sharp fingernails.
The team are watching the carnage when suddenly, a massive naked man with big moustache and huge muscles climbs over the ledge and charges at Max like an angry bull. It's the real Charlie Bronson! He's still in Wakefield today, you know.
Max screams as the sixty eight year old Bronson slams into him and they both go flying into the insanity below.
"Max, NO!" Geoff yells as his nerd friend is now in the hands of Britain's most violent prisoner during the middle of Britain's most violent prison riot.
Announcer: After the riot is quelled, Bronson eventually releases Max after a tense forty two hour standoff in which he threatened to barbecue and eat our computer expert if The Animaniacs was not put back on the air.
The camera shows Max after the hostage taking. He's looking battered and bruised but otherwise okay except for the mental scars. "That's the scariest thing in my life! For forty two hours I thought I was going to die."
Meanwhile back at the prison, Armand the other experts are examining the damage done by the convicts. Armand inspects a concrete wall in the holding cell where the guards threw in tear gas. The concrete is covered in blood and is actually cracked. "From what I can tell," says the doctor, "this concrete wall was cracked with bare hands."
The shakes his head with awe. "Man, those cons must have broken every bone in their hand to do this kind of damage."
Geoff and Armand stand with Joe and Marla over the remains of a dummy. The foam dummy has been torn to pieces. It looks like an army of giant ants came into the area and wiped out everything.
Joe looks over the pieces of dummy and rubs the back of his neck. "Jesus," he's at a loss for words.
"Yeah," Marla agrees. Even the jaded woman is staggered by the level of destruction unleashed by the cons.
A little ways over, Paul and Lenny stand over a pig carcass that's been just destroyed. Paul looks at the carcass with his usual wry manner. "Well, to my expert eye it looks like someone has raped this pig carcass."
Lenny winces at this true but disgusting assessment. "That's right; now let's get the fuck out of here."
Since Max is absent, Geoff and Armand alone discuss the damage. Armand explains to the camera. "Out of a thousand dummies, thirty of them were kills compared to the seven at the building explosion. Also the prison dummies suffered a lot worse abuse."
Edge: prison riot
Geoff stands before Max's computer panel. "Max has been sent home because he needs the rest, otherwise, the show must go on."
With a press of a button, the simulation is activated and Bronson will battle Durden!
