Judoon vs. Jem'Hadar

Master of the Boot's Deadliest Warrior

Disclaimer: I do not own deadliest warrior, Star Trek or Dr. Who. Those belong to their respective creators and not by me. Also, I had to make up most of the weapons for the Judoon since they're only ever shown with their blasters. And I took a few tiny liberties with the Jem'Hadar Weapons but not much. Enjoy.

Announcer: The Jem'Hadar

Shows a Jem'Hadar soldier in all his glory. The creature is tall, proud and brutal looking. His hide looks like it could stop a knife. The powerful alien soldier grasps a laser rifle. It looks reptilian with extremely tough grey skin and three ceratopsian protrusions on its face.

Announcer: Deadly foot soldiers of the Dominion. These cloned berserkers devastated the Alpha Quadrant both in space and on the ground.

The screen then becomes full of images of Jem'Hadar engaged in combat. A Jem'Hadar ducks under a Klingon's Bat'leth and drives his combat knife into the warrior alien's heart. Jem'Hadar ships bombard Deep Space Nine. Federation and Romulan ships are destroyed.

Announcer: With the drug Ketracel White as their only sustenance, these merciless fanatics were unmatched by any Alpha Quadrant Warriors.

The screen changes and shows a band of Sycorax terrorists standing around a holographic display in an abandoned building, plotting their takeover of the next planet. Suddenly, an alarm sounds off in their base and the Sycorax go for their weapons. All of the sudden, a massive humanoid in power armour smashes through a brick wall into the nearest Sycorax.

Announcer: The Judoon, the primary enforcers of the Shadow Proclamation.

More Judoon burst into the room, rapidly overwhelming the bone armoured Sycorax.

Announcer: Policemen for hire, the Judoon are sworn to uphold the letter of the law—

One of the Judoon grabs a Sycorax and snaps the smaller alien's spine over an armoured knee.

-but not the spirit of the law.

There is one Sycorax left alive. The Judoon raise their weapons to it as their leader takes off his helmet to expose his impressive rhino like head. "You have been found guilty of violating regulation 24738-AX of the Shadow Proclamation. The sentence: Death!" The Sycorax screams as Judoon energy weapons vaporize it.

Announcer: These two warriors have never faced each other in battle—

Simulation footage is played that shows a fully armoured Judoon wrestling with a Jem'Hadar

—until today.

Ruthless mercenaries

A Judoon uses a Roh-Teh stick weapon to smash open a Sontarran's skull. Sontarran brain and blood splatters the camera.

Or Fanatical butchers

A Jem'Hadar lobs a subspace grenade into a group of Reman commandos, vaporizing the lot of them.

Religious Zeal

A troop of Jem'Hadar bow before a shape shifting Founder of the Dominion, worshipping it as a living God.

Or Obsessive Professionalism

A Judoon punches grabs a human female by the hair hard enough to almost rip it out. While the human screams for help, the Judoon produces a slip of paper. "You have been found guilty of jay-walking. You will be fined." The Judoon lets the woman go and leaves her to cry.

The Question will finally be settled

Who

Is

DEADLIEST!

Announcer: Here at the fight club the air is full of excitement as we get ready for another hearty round of testing.

The Deadliest Warrior team starts to get all their gear ready including ballistic dummies, motion trackers, pressure pads and animal carcass analogues.

Announcer: Our team of experts includes fight doctors, computer experts and Martial arts experts.

Roll images of Dr. Dorian Armand, UFC fight doctor. Max Geiger, resident computer whizz. Finally there is Geoff Desmoulin, biomedical scientist. These three men make up the core of the Deadliest Warrior Team.

Announcer: Also featuring in today's episode are our guest experts. One the Jem'Hadar side we have General Martok of the Klingon Empire and Captain Worf of the USS Defiant.

Cut to two Klingon warriors. General Martok wears the standard armour of a Klingon of his rank while Worf is dressed in a Starfleet uniform. While Martok is the more wild looking of the two, there is something in Worf`s eyes that indicate he is a man to be feared.

Announcer: Both are veterans of the Dominion war and have fought the Jem`Hadar in battle and lived to tell the tale.

Announcer: Vouching for the Judoon are Captain Tybo of the One Thousand and Fifth Judoon Guard and Captain Jack Harkness of the Torchwood Institute.

Captain Tybo is a Judoon and typical of his race. He looks like a giant humanoid rhinoceros with beady red eyes. He`s naturally six and a half feet tall but his high boots make him seem even taller. By contrast Jack Harkness is a dashing human in a swishy trench coat. The Captain Harkness is famous for his insatiable sexual appetite and extraordinary competence in dealing with unfriendly or pissed off E.T.s.

Cut to a close up with Max Geiger. He starts off by telling us his who he thinks is deadliest. "Personally I think that the Judoon are going to win the day. They're ruthless, brutal and when it comes to the application of the law, they just don't care about anything else. For Pete's sake, they moved an entire hospital to the moon in order to find a single suspect."

Geoff Desmoulin had a different opinion from Max. "I gotta say that hands down the Jem'Hadar are going to take this fight. They're not paid to do what they do. They do it because they think they're serving their gods. Just look at what religious fanatics did to the Soviets in Afghanistan."

Dorian Armand takes a more neutral path. "This is going to be very interesting for us today because this is really the first time we've done a fight with non humans. It's the perfect opportunity to put all those hours watching Deep Space Nine and The Sarah Jane Smith Adventures to good use." He pauses and tells us uncertainly. "And for the record I just want to say that Sarah Jane Smith is still hot."

Announcer: With all that said and done, it's time for the testing to begin. Our experts waste no time as they prepare to find out who is deadliest.

Judoon Stats: Height: 6'5''

Weight: 450 Lbs

Allegiance: Shadow Proclamation

Armour: Baltar Industries Power Armour

Weapons: Judoon Blaster, Roh-Teh Stick, Horn, Anti-Dalek Cannon

Jem'Hadar Stats: Height: 6'

Weight: 400 Lbs

Allegiance: The Founders

Armour: Dominion anti-energy armour

Weapons: Coagulation Ray, Disrupter Rifle, Combat Knife, Subspace Mine

Announcer: First up is testing for the long range weapons. Since these weapons are too dangerous to test indoors, we've been brought to a special outdoor firing range.

The cast is standing in a wide open field. In front the group are three dummies mounted each on a robotic platform. Geoff starts to lay the ground rules. "Okay guys, this is the test of the medium range weapons. You're going to have three moving targets to simulate the enemy. As soon as you fire your first shot we start the clock. Any questions." There are none from the men.

Announcer: First up to bat is Captain Tybo with the Judoon Blaster.

Geoff, Dorian and Max all huddle behind a safety force field in case things go nasty. Jack Harkness stands right next to the Judoon Captain. Max talks to Dorian, "Shouldn't he be behind the force field?"

Dorian shrugs. "Nah, he's immortal."

Geoff starts up the countdown. "3 . . . 2 . . . 1. . . GO!"

Immediately the motorized mannequins start to spin around in random patterns. Captain Tybo rapidly raises up his weapon and takes care of the first target. A red beam of light strikes the dummy and red hot cracks appear along the side of it. In half a second, the dummy is totally vaporized, leaving behind a motorized stand that continues to amble about. Two more successive blasts finish of the other two dummies, destroying the robotic bases as well. Geoff hits his stopwatch.

The Deadliest Warrior experts walk up to the sight of the carnage lefty by Captain Tybo. Geoff laughs at the carnage. Worf and General Martok are not impressed. Martok chooses to mock his adversary. "That was a fine display of shooting that could have been matched by a raw Klingon recruit with no weapons training."

Captain Tybo matches Martok's taunt. "Foh! Scoh! Roh! Toh! Noh! Hoh!"

General Martok sneers at the Judoon, showing off a mouth full of broken and yellow teeth.

Geoff turns to Jack Harkness. "What did he say?"

Jack shakes his handsome head. "Trust me, it's not fit for general audiences." Geoff nods.

Announcer: the Damage is assessed by our fight doctor.

Dorian's analysis is pretty straight forward. "You've vaporized the targets and saved their families the cost of cremation."

Max adds an observation. "On the one remaining robotic stand your weapon nearly melted the wheels, so that's collateral damage to the people standing next to him."

Dr. Armand agrees. "Definitely. That kind of heat would most likely give a human third or even fourth degree burns depending on how close they were standing to the target.

Worf also has an observation. "This weapon though dramatic requires at least a full second for complete vaporization. Jem'Hadar weapons suffer from no such limitation."

Announcer: Team Jem'Hadar steps up to the pitch.

Now it is General Martok's turn. In his more than large hand he carries a Jem'Hadar Disruptor Rifle. As last time, Geoff screams to begin.

Martok blasts the first target, obliterating it in a white light. The other two moving targets suffer the same fate.

Announcer: the team analyzes the high speed footage.

Geoff says, "Worf was definitely right, the Disrupter has a faster vaporization time."

Max also points out, "Not to mention that the Disrupter is more ergonomically designed for aiming. Martok took less time between targets trying to aim."

The Edge: Goes to the Disrupter Rifle.

Announcer: Back at the fight club testing begins for the short range weapons

The Combat Knife vs. the Roh-Teh Stick

Cut to a scene of a Judoon swinging around something that looks like a flattened baseball bat with a hook on the flat side.

Announcer: A traditional Judoon weapon. The Roh-Teh was designed both as a weapon of pacification and of war

Jack Harkness carries a Roh-Teh stick. The weapon appears to be made out of solid steel and Jack can barely lift it. Captain Tybo then takes it, who has no problem swinging it around as if it were made of wood. Before anything else happens, Captain Tybo pulls out a cylindrical device from his belt and holds it up to Max Geiger's mouth.

Max panics. "Please don't kill me."

Captain Tybo takes the cylindrical device and plugs it into a socket in his chest plate. His words are suddenly translated. "Language assimilated. Designation: Earth English."

Cut to Captain Tybo one on one with the Camera. "The Judoon would never be beaten by the Jem'Hadar. The Jem'Hadar are guilty of war crimes and are criminals. Criminals never prevail."

In a practice ring, Captain Tybo swings around the Roh-Teh stick like a pro baseball player.

Voiceover of Captain Tybo: The Roh-Teh! Stick is designed to break armour and bladed weapons. The twin hooks are designed to catch incoming melee weapons."

Announcer: Captain Tybo and his weapon are being fitted with speedometers to measure the speed of his weapon as well as the force with which he strikes.

It's Geoff's job to attach the sensors to the hulking Judoon. Jack Harkness stands abnormally close to Geoff. Our biomedical expert stiffens a bit and then says, "Jack, I really don't want to ask this but is that an erection pressing against my back?"

Jack Harkness steps back embarrassed. Usually he's much smoother than this. "Sorry Geoff, you're very attractive but normally I've got better control than this. Sorry."

Face pale, Geoff manoeuvres to put the big Judoon between him and the bisexual spaceman.

Captain Tybo takes his weapon and steps up to a ballistics gel dummy. Unlike other dummies, this dummy is designed to replicate the texture and toughness of Jem'Hadar anatomy. Captain Tybo readies for a strike.

Geoff gets the stop watch ready, first checking to see that Captain Jack is not invading his personal space. "In 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . GO!"

Captain Tybo brings the first strike against the side of the dummy's head, shattering the skull and taking off the head. Snorting like a wild wounded animal, his nostrils flare and he swings again. The weapon lands against the ribs; the crunch is sickening. The rhinoceros like alien strikes at the ballistics dummy like an alcoholic thrashing a cheeky liquor store clerk who announced it was closing time.

When Geoff announces that it's time to stop, the dummy is in ruins. It's not a pretty sight. Our fight doctor gives us the scoop. "Well, aside from the fact that you took the head off, the skull is in no less then forty pieces. That's fatal even for a Jem'Hadar and I saw those guys shrug off some pretty severe wounds in my time." He points to what's left of the ribs. "The ribs are totally destroyed; there are pieces of them in the organs. Now, he might walk away from the pierced organs since in the Jem'Hadar they're tougher than the skin of a football but he won't walk away from this."

Cut to the rear of the dummy. Armand explains. "When Tybo ran around and hit the spine of this Jem'Hadar, he shattered no less than five vertebrae. And that's saying something since a Jem'Hadar's spine could practically get hit by a truck and he'd still walk away."

Announcer: Next we test the Combat knife . . . with the aid of a surprise guest.

As the team of Worf and Martok get the combat knife ready. An actual Jem'Hadar materialized in front of them, shocking everyone in the room except for the three main hosts.

Cut to the new Jem'Hadar posing in front of the camera.

Announcer: Goran'Agar was a rogue Jem'Hadar who defected prior to the start of hostilities of the Dominion war. Normally Jem'Hadar are not permitted to enter the alpha quadrant but his status as a once defector has convinced the Federation council to allow him in the alpha quadrant.

Goran'Agar just stares impassively at the stunned Worf and Martok. Worf is clearly disturbed by the sight of an actual Jem'Hadar but Martok is livid and starts swearing in Klingon and English. Half of what Martok is saying is bleeped out. Our guest Jem'Hadar hardly seems to mind Martok's display of Klingon fury. He addresses Martok. "I see that you are shocked by my presence, Klingon." Goran's voice is extremely deep but his tone is soft.

He walks up to the weapons table and grabs the combat knife. "No doubt you would have wielded this weapon with skill but in order to use it properly, you need a Jem'Hadar to get the job done."

Cut to close-up of Goran's hand with the knife. He spins it around the palm and back of his hand with the same dexterity of a stage magician with his cards. Pan out to the weapons table. Goran gets another knife and spins it similarly. "I will take this blade. The previous one was a half gram too heavy at the hilt."

Max Geiger looks at Goran'Agar with awe. Dorian Armand looks cautious. Geoff Desmoulin is definitely looking forward to a demonstration. Jack Harkness grins at Goran; he would definitely tap that. Captain Tybo is unreadable.

Goran approaches a new ballistics dummy, this one designed to replicate the physiology of a Judoon. Goran makes a request of Geoff. "To make things more interesting, I am going to shroud. Would you start the clock when I un-shroud, as opposed to when I first strike?"

Geoff shrugs. "That's fine by me."

The Jem'Hadar shimmers and then turns nearly invisible. This is a natural ability of the Jem'Hadar and the knife is specially designed to turn invisible when the owner does. Geoff screams to GO! And things get going.

Goran un-shrouds and wastes no time. He immediately stabs the dummy in both eyes. Striking like a cobra, Goran drives the blade up where a Judoon's sensitive nostrils would be. The knife is yanked out and then its owner goes to work on the body.

Goran begins to slash up and down the dummy, starting with the neck and moving onto the chest and arm areas. The speed with which he slashes is incredible. His arm is a blur but his face is completely placid. Multiple gashes are opened up on the tough skin of the dummy. Fake blood spills down from the dummy and onto the concrete floor.

A mere thirty seconds in and the skin on the dummy looks like the skin is like a gory jigsaw puzzle. "DONE!" Geoff cries.

Everybody is laughing at the devastation wrought by the grey skinned humanoid. Blood gushes now from the multitude of wounds. General Martok sneers at the Jem'Hadar's skill. "Hah! I could have easily done that in my sleep."

Worf snorts. "No, I could have done that in my sleep."

Dorian Armand is stunned by the devastation. "Well, first of all, you did cut through the Judoon's tough skin. That alone takes a great deal of strength." That he cut the skin is an understatement. "There are just too many cuts here to count. This is a surgeon's nightmare. Forget stitches, this Judoon would need a skin replacement."

Captain Tybo has little patience. "Inform us of the level of damage and do not delay."

Dorian takes the Judoon's request seriously. "Well, the slashes are devastating by their sheer number." He sticks a finger into some of the stab wounds. "The stabbing attacks went in past the ribs but they failed to pierce the Judoon's massive lungs." Another stab wound is examined. "Here you hit the rib and the knife damaged the bone but didn't go through it all the way."

Then the devastated eye sockets are examined. "You blinded the guy but the knife didn't enter the brain. While he's not dead he's out of the fight."

Dorian gives his conclusion. "The combat knife did some amazing damage here. Each single cut could be easily shrugged off by the Judoon but collectively this many wounds would kill even the toughest of these alien mercenaries."

Max and Geoff discuss the data and compare the two weapons. Max gives his take. "Well, the Judoon club was devastating but I was totally blown away by how much destruction that Goran inflicted with a single ten inch knife. Not to mention that he can use it when he's invisible and kill a Judoon when he's not even looking."

Geoff has to agree with Max. "I get where you're coming from. That was the fastest knife work we've ever seen on this show. He got three hits per second. The second fastest weapon was the Zulu spear at one strike per second."

Max also points out something. "He also cut open the Judoon's throat and sliced through some of the major arteries."

This is where Geoff starts to advocate the Judoon side. "Yeah that's true but here on the footage we can see that it took Goran at least five slashes to cut the Judoon's throat. I mean, the throat and sides of the neck has got some of the thickest skin on the Judoon's body. Also the stab wound hardly even hurt the Judoon's neck."

Geoff brings up the advantage of the Roh-Teh stick. "The knife was deadly and painful but it failed to gain an instant kill even with eye and nose shots. The Roh-Teh was instant death on the first hit."

"But the Roh-Teh is much less wieldy than the combat knife."

"True," Geoff concedes, "but Captain Tybo acted like that club was light as a feather and it has greater range than the combat knife. Swinging it around a Judoon can hold off a Jem'Hadar with a knife and keep him out of striking distance."

Max still tries to hold out for the knife. "But if you take the shrouding ability into account, the knife is all the deadlier. It's a deadly silent kill."

"That's also true and the knife is deadly but we're looking for the weapon that's most deadly. A single hit from that knife won't kill a Judoon."

Edge: The Roh-Teh Stick

Announcer: Coming up, our team of experts puts the long range weapons to the test.

General Martok approaches with a long, sleek weapon that somewhat resembles the Dominion Disrupter Rifle. Martok explains the weapon. "This is the Coagulation Ray. It is a weapon that fires an invisible beam that prevents a life form's blood from coagulating." Martok hefts the weapon and puts on the targeting goggles for it. "When you get hit by his weapon, even the slightest bump will start to bleed uncontrollably."

To get his point across, Martok aims the ray and fires it at Jack Harkness. For a moment nothing happens. Jack jumps back in shock and starts to yell at Martok. "Hey, what was that for!" Ignoring the dashing Harkness, Martok hits Jack in the shoulder. Jack grabs his shoulder and starts to groan in pain. Suddenly he grows pale and he hits the ground.

Martok loves the feel of the weapon. Goran adds commentary. "As you can see, this is the ideal sniping weapon. It is totally undetectable to the targets and they are not aware of the damage until it is too late. A skilled user of the weapon could take out an entire Federation platoon with this and they wouldn't start dying until everyone had been hit."

Suddenly Jack Harkness jumps up. He shouts at Martok, "You bastard!" He then punches Martok with surprising force, knocking off the targeting goggles. Jack storms off angrily, but not before yelling at Worf. "Keep this fucker in line!" Jack then runs off to make out with some pretty young ladies who work for the studio.

Worf looks at Martok. He does not approve of his friend's rash action. "It is fortuitous that you choose to shoot an immortal target."

Martok is surprised. "He was immortal?"

Show scenes of Martok testing the Coagulation Ray on dummies and pig carcasses.

Announcer: As impressive as it may be, the Judoon have their own answer to the Jem'Hadar's deadly ray.

Cut to Captain Jack leading Captain Tybo. Jack looks excited. Clearly this is due to the massive cannon that Tybo is carrying. The thing is huge, made out of heavy metal and has a primitive and worn look. If you dropped this thing, it would still keep working. It represents the Judoon philosophy very well: hit first and with overwhelming power to break your enemy's back.

Announcer: The Anti-Dalek cannon, weighing in at one hundred and fifty kilograms and powered by a Nad'aq enriched Uranium power cell, this weapon packs the power to blow right through the nigh impenetrable force fields of the merciless Daleks.

Jack Harkness explains more about the weapon. "When the Judoon were fighting the Daleks in the Canopus system, the Judoon were not well prepared for the situation."

Announcer: The Daleks are an artificially created race from war torn planet Skaro, whose sole mission in life is to kill anything that isn't a Dalek.

Show a Dalek on the desert surface of Arrakis. A squad of Judoon take cover from behind jagged rocks from the Dalek's devastating energy weapon. Resembling a giant metal salt shaker with a single camera eye stalk, the Dalek fires blasts of energy while shouting in a metallic staccato, "EX-TERM-IN-ATE! EX-TERM-IN-ATE!" One of the Judoon tries to fire on it with a blaster but is killed by the Dalek in a single hit. It crumples to the ground, leaving its comrades to defend themselves.

Cut back to Jack Harkness in the fight club. "The Judoon really didn't have anything to counter the Daleks so the Judoon weapons designers came up with a solution." Jack turns around and hefts a device that looks like a less worn out, miniature version of the Judoon's anti-Dalek cannon. "This was designed by the Time Lord known as the Doctor. He first designed this after the Battle at Canary Wharf."

Cut to recreation of Battle of Arrakis. A line of Daleks are all shouting "EX-TERM-IN-ATE!" They are climbing easily up a path in the Arrakeen mountains. Suddenly a Judoon pops up behind a rock formation with an anti-Dalek cannon. Upon squeezing the trigger, a pencil thin bolt of orange green energy shoots out. The beam hits to the left of one Dalek, instantly destroying it but also fatally damaging the two Daleks left and right of it and crippling a third.

Jack finishes his explanation. "What the Judoon did was they took this weapon here and they gave it ten doses of steroids. Judoon don't like anything complex and that applies to the technology they use. It's extra big so that it can use parts that are bigger but more durable and fewer in number. It can operate at high efficiency in conditions that would severely impair other weapons of comparable power. Sandstorms, electromagnetic variations, gravity anomalies, foggy atmosphere, liquid atmosphere; nothing can stop this monster from functioning."

The test for the weapon begins. Captain Tybo stands five hundred yards away from a line of targets dressed in Jem'Hadar anti-energy armour. Geoff gives the countdown and then it's go time. Tybo raises the giant weapon and gazes down the iron sights. One squeeze of the trigger and something amazing happens.

The blast is spectacular. The targets don't even stand a chance. It's like a mini nuke was detonated in their mist. The thin bolt zips through the five hundred yards in an eye blink and blows the targets to bits. A giant fireball and enormous concussive blast are generated. The blast is so intense that one of the camera lenses cracks.

Announcer: Upon exploring the damage, our experts find the evidence plain.

The Deadliest warrior team is standing on a patch of scorched earth. Next to them is a deep crater. There is absolutely no sign of the targets. Geoff is stunned. "It's all gone."

Max is beside himself with glee. "That. Was. Awesome!"

Edge: The Anti-Dalek Cannon

Jack Harkness elaborates. "The Coagulation Ray was good but the Anti-Dalek Cannon is more powerful and easy to aim for a Judoon. They even use these things to shoot down small Dalek ships. That's not bad, I'd say."

Goran'Agar is not impressed. "It is a very nice weapon." He's totally cool and in control. "It's the weapon of the unskilled. One shrouded Jem'Hadar with a disrupter could kill ten soldiers armed with those cannons. It's good for shooting ships, but this show doesn't measure ship to ship combat."

Announcer: Next up, special weapons.

Show a recreation of Federation Marines investigating a building abandoned by the Jem'Hadar. Suddenly a circular mine materializes before the troops and explodes.

Announcer: Anti-personal weapons deployed by the dominion in vast numbers. These devices were especially lethal since they were virtually undetectable by federation sensors.

Goran explains holds up one of these lethal devices and explains. "The subspace mine was one of the preferred anti-personnel weapons of the dominion. Easy to manufacture and reliable, these devices could be churned out at half again the rate of the more advanced Romulan and Klingon mines."

Shows an image of a federation outpost on a desolate planet. The soldiers are worn out and on the point of breakdown, mentally and morally.

Announcer: Part of the reason of this weapons' effectiveness is that it was nearly undetectable to any conventional methods of scanning.

Goran elaborates on what the announcer is saying. "While all sides in the conflict had cloaked mines, these did more than just cloak. They did in the various layers of sub-space and could be programmed to randomly phase back into this level of space. So even after the allied forces took a Dominion installation, these mines would kill a few of their number every day and they would be helpless to locate them. A soldier might walk past a location a hundred times and the one day—

The powerful looking Jem'Hadar pauses and just looks at the bomb he's holding. He's gotten his point across.

Announcer: To test this devious explosive, multiple targets will be placed at different distances. We can see Geoff and Max applying adhesive pads to the targets, which are large pig carcasses in Judoon armour.

Announcer: The team places biomedical sensors on the insides of the armour in order to gauge concussive force, electrical shock and subspace distortion.

At last, everything is set up for the explosive test. The three dead pigs in Judoon armour sit inside of a makeshift structure made out of cheap concrete. Each target stands roughly ten feet from the other and arranged so that none of them will act like a shield for another. The structure is meant to simulate a Dominion base of operations.

While Martok protests his qualifications, Goran has a superior level of qualification to set up the deadly circular mine. A shout from the Jem'Hadar indicates that the weapon is primed.

Soon everybody (even Jack Harkness) is standing safely behind the safety glass from many yards away. Geoff kicks off his patented countdown. "3 . . . 2. . . 1. . . . FIRE!"

A blinding explosion rips through the ad hoc concrete structure. Inside the building are the three pig carcasses, smouldering like so much good pork gone to waste.

Announcer: The team waits excitedly as Geoff reads the data from the sensor pads.

Geoff reads the labels with much relish. "Okay, the first guy is definitely dead. The concussion blast registers with a level fatal to Judoon physiology." He gestures to a series of puncture wounds in the armour. "On top of having his brains scrambled, he's also full of holes."

Cut to Martok grinning over the damage. He's not a man who easily lets the horrors of war let sour his spirits. On the contrary, he toasts and enjoys his enemy's good misfortune.

Geoff goes on. "The electronic and subspace damage read null. It looks like the armour nullified that."

Armand gives his two cents. "Based on what I've seen of Judoon anatomy, these shrapnel bits hit him in vital organs. He's planting daisies."

Quickly the team moves onto the second guy standing ten feet back. Geoff goes through it like routine. "Death by electronic and subspace distortion is a no go. Concussive force is fatal and seeing a lot of shrapnel wounds but a lot less than the first guy. Dorian, back me up."

The camera pans to show blood dripping through the holes in the armour. "Judging by the position of these shrapnel wounds, this guy is going to need medical attention fast but it's not instantly fatal."

The third target has fared considerably better than its brother pigs. "The concussion blast here would give our Judoon a serious headache but nothing fatal. There's one or two shrapnel wounds and once again electric and subspace are a no show."

Goran in his reserved yet brutish way boasts what he perceives to be a victory. "The Judoon may scan all that they please but they lack the intelligence necessary to locate these mines. If they value their lives they will never again challenge the Jem'Hadar."

Announcer: But the Judoon have one last weapon up their sleeve—a naturally evolved one! Made from a substance stronger than keratin, a Judoon's horn is the first weapon that he's taught to use.

Video footage of young Judoon appears. Hardly half the size of adults, two juvenile Judoon circle each other inside of what looks like a wrestling ring. A full grown Judoon observes the youngsters but doesn't interfere.

Announcer: As with all Judoon training, hand to hand combat is merciless.

The young Judoon charge and start to try and gore each other across the face with their horns.

Announcer: Injuries during training are accepted and even encouraged.

One of the young Judoon strikes his opponent in the eye, crushing the eye socket. His adversary bellows with pain.

Announcer: During such training, Judoon have been known to incur crushed eye sockets, broken jaws, fractured skulls and lacerations. All of this is done with the intent to forge them into perfect mercenary soldiers.

The camera interviews Captain Tybo: Judoon are not concerned with pain or physical discomfort. Casualties are acceptable and and necessary in the ultimate up keeping of the law .

Announcer: To make this test as accurate as possible, a ballistics gel dummy replicating Jem'Hadar physiology. Also this dummy will be clad in Jem'Hadar anti-energy armour.

Captain Tybo stands across from the dummy, his ears swivel and his beady eyes narrow. Geoff calls to Tybo. "Ready, Captain?"

Tybo nods. "Affirmative."

"Go!"

The effect is instantaneous. Captain Tybo bends his legs and puts a three fingered hand on the ground like an American football player. His thick legs then propel him towards the dummy. Head pointed down and horns forward, Tybo moves like a speeding semi-truck.

The Dummy is anchored with concrete to avoid being knocked over by the enthusiastic Judoon. The position of his eyes allows him to track a target even when his head is point down.

There is a wet crunch as Captain Tybo hits the target just where the Jem'Hadar's heart would be located. Grunting like metal tearing, Captain Tybo stabs his sharp horn repeatedly into the dummy's body. A human would be ripped to shreds by this savage display of fury.

To finish it off, Captain Tybo drives his horn under the dummy's chin and deliver's a powerful kick to the face with his armoured boot.

Geoff and the rest of the experts analyze the damage. Dorian Armand takes point. After peeling off the armour uniform, he gives us the what ho. "Surprisingly enough, there's no bleeding. The horn failed to penetrate the armour."

Captain Tybo growls but at the encouragement of Jack Harkness avoids sentencing Dorian to a merciless thrashing.

Dorian continues with his assessment. "Despite being primarily anti-energy armour, this stuff is also designed to provide protection against stabbing and projectile weapons. And let's not forget that Jem'Hadar skin is as tough if not tougher than Judoon skin."

He points a finger over the heart. "That's definitely two ribs broken but it looks like the heart would still be pumping."

Dorian indicates the face of the Dummy. "The horn strike under the Jaw did penetrate the flesh but the horn stopped at the roof of the mouth. A gory injury but not fatal and it would barely slow down somebody like Goran here." The Jem'Hadar nods to Dorian.

Geoff is impressed by the kick that Captain Tybo delivered. "That was one hell of a kick. You've pretty much broken every bone in his face and he won't be able to see out of one eye. Even for a Jem'Hadar, that's gotta hurt. I don't care what planet you're from."

Edge: The Subspace Mine.

Geoff gives us the reason for why the mine got the edge. "The Judoon's horn was deadly and hurt like hell, but the mine was deadlier. The Jem'Hadar are as sturdy and as durable as the Judoon so much of the horn's effectiveness was nullified. Also the mine was a powerful psychological weapon."

Announcer: With all the data gathered, it's time to begin the main event. Our experts have done all that they can. Max Geiger inputs the information gathered into a special software program designed by Slytherin Studios.

Our team of guest experts give their last minute opinions. Martok is his usual boisterous self. "The Judoon are nothing but lumbering pre-Ta'Qs (Klingon swear word not translated for television.) Those self righteous beasts claim to show their devoutness by wearing their boots to sleep.

Cut to Worf looking quite surprised. "The Judoon wear their boots to bed? So do I. Perhaps I am on the wrong side."

Jack Harkness is easy going as always. "I'm going to go with the Judoon because for all their power, the Jem'Hadar lost the war to the Alpha Quadrant powers."

Goran'Agar is laconic to the max. "We are the Jem'Hadar. That is all you need to know."

Captain Tybo is blunt. "The Judoon will prevail. Justice is swift."

Announcer: In order to prevent victory to come from a single lucky shot, the simulation will feature a fight between teams of five. At the press of the button, let the games begin.

Begin Fight simulation:

Somewhere on a remote planet, Jem'Hadar troops marshal for battle. Hundreds of them organize into square formation before being beamed up to ships in orbit.

Suddenly a Dominion ship full of Jem'Hadar troops explodes into flame over the planet. From the planet's surface, ships explode in the sky like fireworks. Jem'Hadar troops are no longer being teleported to the ships above. Instead, Judoon soldiers are being teleported to the planet's surface in order to exterminate this criminal breach of galactic law.

Over every communications channel as well as being blasted by loudspeakers on Judoon landing craft. "You have violated the Joint Powers treaty of 2407. Under the laws of the Shadow Proclamation offenders will be summarily terminated."

Inside of a Dominion temporary shelter, a squad of five Jem'Hadar realize that this is no place to be for them. The fleet is retreating and they must find their own way off the planet. Luckily for them there is a shuttlecraft inside a nearby bunker. Unluckily for them, a squad of five Judoon teleport on the planet's surface with the intent of cutting off any escape via the shuttlecraft.

As the Jem'Hadar reach the base, their leader accesses a remote control which activates the subspace mines. The game is on.

Jem'Hadar: Five

Judoon: Five

The Judoon march down the hallway of the bunker, stomping like a military parade. Unlike the Jem'Hadar who creep stealthily and evade, the Judoon proudly show off their guns and armour in a bid to intimidate their foes.

Stomping down the hallway, a subspace mine flashes into existence just as the group of rhino aliens turns a corner. The foremost Judoon is killed by the mine. His body absorbs the shrapnel while his companions who were shielded by a corner survive.

Jem'Hadar: Five

Judoon: Four

The team of Jem'Hadar make their way down the ferocrete corridors. The five of them then reach a security door. The door is thick duranium steel reinforced by a built in energy barrier one millimetre over the metal. Two Jem'Hadar take point, aiming their weapons down the way they came. Two others take aim at the door while the senior officer goes as fast as he can for the activation code.

The team leader doesn't get far because a moment after he starts punching in the access code to the shuttle bay he's blasted into his constituent atoms. The security door designed to withstand a direct hit from a class four phaser cannon is blown apart like so much tin. With a giant smoking hole in the nearly indestructible alloy, the nearly two ton door flies down the hallway like paper in the wind.

Jem'Hadar: Four

Judoon: Four

One Jem'Hadar takes a hit from the flying door, shattering his left arm and nearly ripping it off. The other Jem'Hadar take shrapnel hits but their lightweight armour and genetically engineered toughness see to it that they are still combat effective.

The force of the detonation caused the lights in the bunker to burst. The emergency lighting goes on and the entire place is flooded with red light, colouring everything a ghastly shade of crimson.

Through the smoking wreckage of the door, a Judoon carrying an anti-Dalek cannon steps. The giant alien's head is covered by a sheer metal helmet with no visible eye holes. The creature raises its giant cannon for another shot but is cut down by the Jem'Hadar with the broken arm.

The disrupter shot goes out and strikes the Judoon in the gap between the chest plate and the shoulder armour. There's a horrible smell of burned flesh as the Judoon's power armour only partially shields its wearer from the effects of vaporization. The Judoon is dead but at least there will be a body to bury.

Jem'Hadar: Four

Judoon: Three

The Jem'Hadar start to flee. Ordinarily they would fight to the last man but their orders were to leave the planet in a timely fashion as possible. As the peel down the hallway to take an alternate route to the shuttle craft, the one with a broken arm lags slightly.

This small lag is enough for one of the Judoon. The faceless armoured space rhino charges the injured Jem'Hadar with a Roh-Teh stick. The Judoon swings at the Jem'Hadar's legs. A wet crunching is heard and the Jem'Hadar goes down.

Jem'Hadar: Three

Judoon: Three

In vain the downed Jem'Hadar tries to go for his dropped weapon. The Judoon commando towers over his crippled enemy. Without making a sound, he uses his club weapon to bust open the Jem'Hadar's head like a jar full of artichoke paste. All that alien gore looks black in the crimson lighting.

The remaining Jem'Hadar start to make for an emergency exit in one of the walls. As they all crawl through the small tube, subspace mines activate behind them, triggered by the electronic signatures in their suits. These electronic signatures also ensure that the cloned soldiers will not be harmed by the mines.

The three aliens blink as they come into the natural sunlight of the planet. Their genetically modified eyes adjust quickly to the different light levels. Speedily they start to race through a patch of sharp rocks which they have to pass through in order to reach the closest path to the shuttle.

The Jem'Hadar leap over the deadly rocks with the grace of gazelles. They are almost knocked over when an entire wall in the bunker explodes from the inside. Sure as daylight, the remainder of the Judoon squad proudly stomp through the burning debris that was created by the anti-Dalek cannon. They never had any intention of stepping through the mined escape tubes.

The Jem'Hadar know the importance of taking the massive gun out of the fight. So the sharpshooter of the group sets his Coagulation Ray to maximum. He readies himself and motions for his companions to flee. They flee because it is Jem'Hadar philosophy that states when the death of one will make the rest stronger, then that one must die.

With a squeeze of the trigger, the Judoon carrying the cannon falters, groans and then dies on the spot from internal bleeding. His corpse won't leave a mess inside the suit.

Jem'Hadar: Three

Judoon: Two

The Jem'Hadar sharp shooter doesn't last long. The remaining Judoon get him with their blasters. A red beam hits the Jem'Hadar in the chest and the anti-energy armour stops come of the damage. But another red beam hits him in the head. Heat energy spreads through his body and his corpse breaks apart into a thousand glowing embers. His weapon and lightweight fabric armour drop to the ground.

Jem'Hadar: Two

Judoon: Two

For the Jem'Hadar, their objective is almost in sight. The shuttle craft is protected by an energy field.

Behind them are the two remaining Judoon, dogged as ever. Rather than run, they decide to flank the Judoon.

The pair of Judoon charge in a straight line. To their surprise, the Jem'Hadar they are chasing appear to the sides of them.

The reptilian aliens pop up from behind two rocks. They open fire at the same time. One Judoon throws himself behind cover, his armour taking the brunt of the damage. The other Judoon is critically wounded by the attack and perishes.

Jem'Hadar: Two

Judoon: One

The remaining Judoon goes over his weapons. He's got a blaster with him that's nearly at full power, his Roh-Teh stick and his own horn. The rock that he cowers behind won't stop the Jem'Hadar for long. Popping up quickly, he manages to shoot one of his enemies in the head. It's not enough to vaporize but it's certainly enough to bake the creature's brain to a crisp.

Jem'Hadar: One

Judoon: One

The last Judoon gets back behind cover. Unfortunately for him, a subspace mine flashes into existence. He growls in anger and fear.

The blast from the subspace mine shakes the ground and the Jem'Hadar warrior to the bone. Looking from his spot of cover, the Jem'Hadar makes no assumptions. Making ready, he takes his combat knife and attaches it to the barrel of his disrupter.

He sprints over to where the Judoon was. No there is nothing but a crater. The body must have been annihilated. The Judoon is definitely dead.

The Jem'Hadar then looks to the space shuttle. The objective of the mission is so close. Now he may rejoin the rest of the Dominion fleet and take the battle to the Shadow Proclamation's mercenary army.

His huge strides take him rapidly across the ground and to the force field. A scanner flashes and deactivates the security measures. The Jem'Hadar soldier runs to the shuttle and starts to open the door—

—When suddenly he's grabbed by his ankle and dragged out. The Jem'Hadar is hauled out and thrown aside like a potato sack. Without even bothering to look at his opponent, he goes for his gun.

A booted foot comes down and smashes the durable metal of the disrupter like cheap plastic. Standing over the Jem'Hadar is a very pissed off Judoon. The creature's helmet has come off. One of his ears is shredded beyond repair and yellow blood drips down from his wounds.

The Judoon are bulky but they are quick. This one managed to sprint to the edge of the blast radius. His beady red eyes stare out with pure fury. It's not just about the law now. It's now a matter of personal revenge.

The Judoon brandishes his Roh-Teh stick. He really, really wants to use it.

The Jem'Hadar rolls out of the way as the Judoon stomps again, narrowly missing a face full of spiked iron soled boot. The impact of that foot shakes the ground in a mini-tremor.

In a controlled martial arts move, the Jem'Hadar knocks the legs from under his enemy.

The Judoon knows just what to do and he rapidly gives it as good as he gets. The Jem'Hadar is unable to dodge an armoured fist to the jaw.

The Jem'Hadar's vision is full of stars and he hits the ground hard. By the grace of his lightning reflexes he is saved as the Roh-Teh stick arcs down towards him. With a twist of his head, the heavy club weapon hits just where his head was.

The Judoon lands on top of the Jem'Hadar, spraying rhino snot all over his enemy's face and pressing the edge of the Roh-Teh into his windpipe.

The Jem'Hadar kicks and thrashes but can't get the crushing force off of his armoured trachea. Desperately he looks for something to use.

There!

To the right of him is the combat knife, still attached to the shattered energy weapon. Not letting up on his thrashing, he calculates if he can reach that bladed weapon.

The Judoon thrashes his head every which way. He attempts to drive his horn into the Jem'Hadar's eye.

At the last second, a clawed, scaly hand grabs into the Judoon's snout.

The Jem'Hadar has a first class view of the enemy's horn, only a hair's breadth from his eye. It's now or never.

In a desperate gamble, the Jem'Hadar lets go of the weapon crushing his throat. With snake like speed, that hand shoots out and grabs the front of the disrupter. The pressure on his trachea is now unbearable. His vision is going dark around the edges.

Gritting his teeth, the Jem'Hadar takes the weapon and drives the combat knife through the Judoon's wounded ear. The knife is almost destroyed as it punctures through the Judoon's strong bones, but the gambit pays off.

The Judoon's eyes go dead as the knife pierces its brain. It's dead.

Jem'Hadar: One

Judoon: Zero

Judoon vs. Jem'Hadar

JEM'HADAR WINS!

The last Jem'Hadar stands up and looks to the shuttle craft. Before departing he looks to the sky full of exploding ships and screams, "Victory is life!"

Announcer: Over a thousand simulated battles, the Jem'Hadar won 634 and the Judoon won 366.

Max Geiger appears on screen. "The anti-Dalek cannon had easily the most kills out of any weapon but the Jem'Hadar's weapons were more well rounded and had more kills on average."

Captain Tybo curses in his native languages. The network won't allow such langage on TV. "Foh! Toh! Scoh! Boh! Crow! Moh! Baka-dinah-Joh!"

General Martok just laughs and he waves around a mug of blood wine to celebrate. "Max Geiger's computer program truly understands that victory goes to the warrior with honour!" Laughing, he brings his drink to his lips. Suddenly Martok starts to choke on his blood wine and spills half of it.

Goran'Agar schools his face into a mask of neutrality. "The Jem'Hadar won this battle. We were bred to defeat thugs like the Judoon. They are strong and brave but they are merely brigands who rely on intimidation."

As usual, Jack Harkenss is chipper and happy. "I'm a little surprised that the Judoon lost, but then again the Jem'Hadar are pretty tough. I'm just here to have fun and I did." Jack then grins. "Plus, I've got a date tonight with Max."

Cut to Max Geiger who yells at the camera. "It's not a date! Jack and I are just going for drinks!" Somewhere in Cardiff, Whales, a man named Ianto Jones starts to cry as he watches this show because he finally realizes that Jack Harkness and faithfulness are two concepts that do not go hand in hand.

Geoff rounds out the discussion. "Jem'Hadar had better designed weapons and the superior skills to use them. The fight ended up with them."

Captain Tybo is back and he's calmed down some. "The computer program was inaccurate. This studio will be fined for criminal inaccuracy. The Judoon would simply blast the Jem'Hadar from a distance or in orbit."

Dorian Armand has the final say. "This was an interesting match and it was an honour to work with everyone here. Everything else has already been said."

Roll video footage of the Jem'Hadar and Judoon teams reluctantly shaking hands. Captain Tybo and Goran'Agar roughly shake hands. Jack Harkness tries to give Worf a big hug but instead takes a knee to the groin. Immortal or not, that fucking hurts.