Master of the Boot's Deadliest Warrior
Disclaimer: I do not own Solid Snake, Killer Croc or Deadliest Warrior, they belong to Konami and DC comics. I'm just borrowing them for fun and not profit. No profit from this.
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Announcer: Solid Snake, infamous super spy.
The screen flashes with an image of said super spy. He's a man of average height and a lean athletic build. Under a grey one piece suit his toned body is able to move fast and silently. Proudly, Snake ties a bandanna around his head. The look on his face is deadly serious and his brown mullet waves in the wind.
Announcer: Created from the DNA of the world's greatest soldier, Solid Snake is the pinnacle of military prowess.
The scene cuts to a dark overhead shot of Arkham Asylum in Gotham Bay. Located on a rocky island with steep cliffs, this facility looks more like a medieval castle than a modern mental hospital. The camera swoops down into the halls of the facility. The halls are dirty and the lights are on the fritz, casting everything in shadow.
Announcer: But Solid Snake has never faced an enemy like this before.
The camera races down the hallways of Arkham, passing brutal guards and screaming inmates. Grotesque gargoyles watch over everything like silent sentinels.
After many twists and turns through Arkham's labyrinthine interior, it reaches the maximum security wing. Here, steam leaks out of rusty pipes and wires spark. The camera stops at a massive set of steel doors, jarringly high tech compared to the dilapidated and filthy surroundings.
The steel doors smoothly open. Something massive steps out of the doors, something more beast than man. A gigantic eight foot tall monster stomps into sight. It roars, exposing rows of razor sharp teeth and splattering the camera with drool.
Announcer: Waylon Jones, aka Killer Croc. Deadly serial killer and cannibal of Gotham City's rogues Gallery.
The screen then cuts to an image of Croc. He's massive, wide as well as tall and ripping with muscle. Draped over these powerful muscles is a skin that's totally covered in scales that are as tough as actual crocodile hide. Croc's long teeth are incredibly long and ground down to flesh ripping points.
Announcer: These warriors are total opposites.
Stealth
Solid Snake moves among the shadows and gets behind an unsuspecting mercenary. Snake draws his knife and that's all you need to know.
Versus brute power
A gang of thugs huddle in one of Gotham's abandoned apartment buildings. A door that is reinforced with twenty locks is ripped off its hinges like it's not even there. Croc lumbers into the room and rips out the throat of the man nearest to him.
Superior tactical ability
Solid Snake faces down a veritable army of men with guns. All he has is a pistol. Without warning he fires at some hydrogen tanks on the back wall. The explosion knocks the men down but when they get back up, Snake is gone.
Versus total ferocity
Croc springs out of the shadows at one of the Joker's henchmen. He rips away the henchman's gun and then clamps his powerful jaws down on the man's neck.
A perfect assassin
Solid Snake has a sniper rifle. With it he decimates an entire platoon of men without breaking a sweat.
Versus a superhuman killing machine
Croc stands in what used to be a biker bar. All around him, bikers and their girlfriends have been torn to pieces and half eaten.
The two will do battle
Croc charges at Snake in a dark, damp sewer and tackles him. Writhing like the animal he's named after, Snake struggles to escape Croc's crushing grip. Croc's voice growls. "Tick, tock, feed the croc!" His mighty jaws seem to engulf the camera.
Announcer: And the question will finally be answered
Who
Is
DEADLIEST?
The fight club is scurrying with activity. Today's fight will be especially exciting. Geoff Demoulin will handle the job of cataloguing biomedical data.
Geoff speaks for the camera. "This is going to be one hell of a match. In all the history of the show we've a lot of warriors but never a super villain before. I'm looking forward to it."
Computer expert Max Geiger will be handling the sophisticated software that allows the show to find out who is deadliest. "I'm going to give this fight to Solid Snake, all the way," he says. "I mean, come on; it's Solid Snake we're talking about. He can do things with a cardboard box that no other man can do."
Fight doctor Dorian Armand takes with him years of valuable emergency room experience. "I'm particularly excited about this episode because Killer Croc is something of a medical researcher's dream." As Dorian explains, we are treated to several images of the good doctor going over his medical textbooks. "He has a skin condition that normally covers a person with painful, bleeding scales but nothing to his degree. He also has a glandular disorder that causes him to be extremely muscular. And that's nothing to talk about his psychological problems."
Announcer: A team of outside experts has been brought in to represent either side of this fight.
Stats: Solid Snake
Height: 5'10''
Weight: 160 lbs
Allegiance: FOXHOUND special forces team
Stats: Killer Croc
Height: 8'6''
Weight: 530 lbs
Allegiance: none
Announcer: Enter team Snake, composed of Sniper Wolf and Hal "Otacon" Emmerich.
The camera pans over said teammates. Sniper Wolf is an Iraqi Kurdish woman packing a heavy looking sniper rifle and showing some mondo cleavage. Otacon is a scientist so named for his enormous love of anime and has recently come out of a Naruto rehab clinic.
Announcer: On team Croc we have Arkham guard Aaron Cash and the superhero Nightwing.
Aaron Cash is a sturdy looking black man native to Gotham City. One of his hands has been replaced with a metal hook. Nightwing is a former sidekick of Batman who struck out on his own in the crime infested city of Bludhaven.
The two teams of experts size each other up. Behind his domino mask, Nightwing raises an eyebrow at Sniper Wolf and her deep cleavage. "A lady sniper, huh?"
Sniper Wolf replies with a melodious Kurdish accent. "Silly bird, didn't you know that most of the world's greatest spies and assassins are women?"
Otacon points at Cash's hook hand and attempts manly posturing. "Hey Captain Hook, how'd you lose the hand?" The sweet, geeky Otacon fails at intimidation.
Cash is not amused. "If you call me that one more time I'll kick you so hard you won't have any groin left." His threat causes Otacon to step back in fear. He turns to Nightwing. "Come on, let's go." It's time to get to work.
Announcer: Tests will be recorded on the high speed camera. In place of actual human bodies, our experts have prepared anatomically identical ballistics gel dummies. First up is Team Snake.
Solid Snake Weapons: CQC knife, PSG-1 Sniper Rifle, Mk .23 SOCOM handgun, Stinger missile
Killer Croc Weapons: Sledge hammer, Tommy gun, Manhole cover, Lexcorp explosive charge
Team Snake goes first. To demonstrate the power of the CQC knife, or close quarter combat knife, Sniper Wolf is going to go loco on a ballistics gel dummy. Our biomedical expert Geoff straps a motion capture device to the Kurdish woman's wrist. As he does so, he gives her a little wink. She chooses not to notice it.
Sniper Wolf walks up to her target with the knife. Before starting, she gives a little rundown of the knife. "This is the CQC knife. It is made of folded steel and has a serrated edge for use as a utility tool or for a slicer of human flesh. I think you will find it quite useful against Killer Croc's tough hide." She gives a little smirk and fastens on her safety glasses in case of flying flesh chunks.
With the all green from Geoff, Sniper Wolf proves that she's not just good with a sniper rifle. Instantly she throws herself at the target. Gracefully she slashes open the throat, severing the carotid and jugular arteries and opening up the windpipe. Blood gushes from the wound by the bucket. Next, she skilfully slices the heart in half. To finish it off, she delivers a deadly liver shot.
Geoff stops the clock and now it's time to inspect the damage. Dorian Armand passes over the throat cut in favour of the liver strike. Gingerly he yanks the knife out of the dummy. "Not many people know this but a hit to the liver is very deadly. There are several major arteries in that organ." He pauses and hands back the knife to Sniper Wolf. "Also, the liver is responsible for filtering out toxins from your blood. If you impair that ability in any significant way then you're done for."
The throat cut is straight forward. Max Geiger gives the prognosis for that one. "I'm no doctor but I'm pretty sure that's an instant kill."
Nightwing and Aaron Cash are less than impressed. Cash points with his left hand. "You're going to try and attack Croc with that? That's like attacking him with a toothpick."
Nightwing agrees with the Arham guard. "Croc's skin is much tougher than an ordinary human's. Knives just tend to make him angry. Usually when people try to stab him, he just eats their hands."
Otacon's eyes widen at this utterance. Then he looks at Cash's hook. "Is that how you lost your hand?"
Cash responds angrily. "Hell yes I lost my hand that way. That animal ate my hand."
Otacon looks at Cash's missing hand with a newfound respect. "This guy sounds like one sick son of a bitch."
"He is," says Nightwing.
Announcer: Team Croc prepares with their own deadly melee weapon. Weighing ten pounds and measuring five feet long, the sledge hammer can be found in any hardware store in Gotham City.
Nightwing stands before a fresh ballistics gel dummy with sensors strapped to his wrists and to the shaft of the heavy hammer. "Croc is basically as dumb as this hammer, but he's been known to use weapons as long as they don't take too much technical skill to operate."
Nightwing gets into fighting stands and raises the sledge hammer over his head. Geoff gives the general order. "Alright, in 3 . . . 2. . . 1. . . . FIRE!"
Nightwing's first strike is devastating. The heavy hammer comes down on the collar bone of the dummy, snapping it completely in half. Nightwing swings changes his stance and swings the cumbersome weapon at the dummy's head, causing it to explode into a shower of bone and simulated brains. Each strike comes with a sick crunch and before long the test is over.
Nightwing is covered in fake blood and chunks of ballistics gel. Max Geiger is utterly staggered by the power of the sledge hammer. "Now that's impressive." Geoff concurs with Max. "You see that, that's called carnage."
Dorian gives the good news. "A broken collar bone is a bad thing because it's very hard to heal, but this is crazy. You've totally snapped the collar bone, torn muscle and ligament in ways that would require months of physical therapy to even start healing. The ribs are totally powdered from the blows that Nightwing gave them. I haven't seen damage like this since I saw a guy once get hit by a two ton hummer."
Sniper Wolf is dismissive of the sledge hammer. "By Allah, we are engaging in battle, not hammering fence posts. Did you see how unwieldy that weapon is?"
Cash challenges Sniper Wolf's claim. "Unwieldy for me, maybe; but if you've seen Croc's strength, a little ten pound sledge hammer is nothing for him. During an escape attempt I saw him drip the door off of Warden Sharp's Mercedes and use it to take somebody's head off."
Announcer: With testing concluded, our experts sit down and view the high speed footage
The guys watch slow motion footage of Sniper Wolf and Nightwing use their respective weapons. Max Geiger makes an observation about the sledge hammer. "It really takes Nightwing a long time between strikes."
Geoff acknowledges this but has a point of his own to make. "That's true, but Nightwing swings that hammer a lot faster than your average Joe. And this is Croc we're dealing with. To him, a little ten pound hammer is nothing."
Edge: The sledge hammer
With short range weapons taken care of, it's now time to move on to medium range. It's the Mk .23 SOCOM versus the manhole cover.
Otacon just laughs at the sight of Nightwing rolling along a manhole lid. "That thing has got to be nearly a hundred pounds of metal! What are you going to do with that?"
Announcer: But Ocaton doesn't know how deadly this simple piece of civic engineering can be in the hands of someone like Killer Croc.
The scene cuts to footage from a security camera outside of a Gotham City gas station. In the slightly blurry security video, Killer Croc battles Gotham's dark night. Batman deftly weaves and ducks around Croc's devastating blows. One strike manages to knock back the caped crusader and Croc uses this to his advantage. Reaching down, Croc reaches down and hooks his claws into a manhole that's barely wider than his hand. He flings his ad hoc weapon like it's a Frisbee. Batman narrowly avoids being decapitated as the flying sewer cover smashes into somebody's car.
Announcer: Unimpressed by this lethal weapon, Team Snake goes forth with Otacon taking point.
The nerdy scientist is fully prepared for weapons firing; he's got safety glasses and a pair of earphones that he brought from home. His target is a manhole lid with a green crocodile painted on it. Otacon looks at Geoff, Max and Dorian. "Guys, what's going on?"
Geoff explains to Otacon. "We're having you test to see if your gun can punch through the metal of the manhole cover."
Otacon hangs his head. "Oh, I wanted to shoot a ballistics dummy," he whines.
However, Otacon is a trooper and goes through with the test. Raising his weapon, a touch of a button activates the targeting laser. The tiny red dot settles on the painted crocodile's eye. The large forty five calibre handgun is fitted with a silencer so the customary bang is reduced to a small pop. The bullet strikes with an explosive spark.
Steadily but surely, Otacon empties the twelve round magazine into the target which is steadily but surely being filled with holes. When the gun is empty, Geoff stops the clock and Otacon takes off his eye and ear protection.
The nerdy otaku now has a confident swagger to his stance. He grins and starts to praise the weapon he wielded so well. "That ladies and gentlemen is the Mk .23 SOCOM handgun, firing a .45 ACP cartridge and is threaded with an O-ring around the barrel to accommodate a silencer." His grin widens as he quotes a favourite movie of his. "That's right; shop smart, shop S-mart."
The quote is lost on Dorian Armand and Sniper Wolf but Max Geiger grins at his fellow geek.
For the experts this is an easier one to decide. "When Dick Grayson threw the manhole cover, it did a great deal of damage; rupturing the liver and breaking ribs but it's essentially a one-shot weapon," says Dorian.
Max utterly agrees with his medically trained compatriot. "Totally there. Croc could probably kill you with that big thing but Solid Snake will always kill you with his sweet handgun."
Edge: Mk .23 SOCOM handgun
Announcer: Halfway through our show and things are already heating up.
The experts on both sides are busy as bees. Nightwing acrobatically manoeuvres with a steel pipe while Sniper Wolf is shown hefting around a weighty anti-tank gun.
Announcer: The two sides are taking this more seriously than ever.
Aaron Cash stands with his arms folded. He glances offhandedly at his metal hook. "What makes Croc so deadly is that he's more animal than man. He only sees people as one thing: food. He's the only inmate at Arkham Asylum that has more security than the Joker, that's how dangerous he is.
Otacon stands to defend Solid Snake. "Yes, Croc has got brawn in this match, but Snake has brains. In my experience, smart always beats tough." The brilliant scientist is one of the few people who are close to Solid Snake. "Snake would never allow himself to be somebody's dinner."
Sniper Wolf shares her story. "Understand I am not just on this show for financial reasons. It is also deeply personal." From behind the camera, the camera operator asks Sniper Wolf what she means. "Two years ago I performed some work in Gotham City." As she speaks, her throat tightens and voice seems to waver by just one octave.
Putting up a stiff upper lip, Sniper Wolf goes on. "I had a wolf named Berthold with me. He wasn't a pet; he was a companion and a friend. And Croc . . ." her voice cracks, "Croc ate Bertie."
Something very strange happens. Sniper Wolf's body starts to shake and she covers her face with her hand. A woman who has murdered over two hundred men and women on various missions around the globe is crying. It's truly pathetic. Luckily Geoff shows up and shuts down the camera man before they can capture more footage of Sniper Wolf losing it.
Announcer: With Sniper Wolf's crying fit done; it's time to test our long range weapons, The Tommy Gun and the PSG-1 Sniper Rifle.
In front of the camera, Sniper Wolf hefts up said weapon. Cleavage showing and face free of tears; the buxom Kurdish babe is the picture of sexy death. Watch out, James Bond, this one will bite your dick off and eat it.
To test the ability of the Sniper rifle, we truly have to take this outside to a classified piece of land normally used for army drills and bomb testing. As the crew drives out, we can see the Mythbusters carrying out their own brand of demolitions work.
Inside one of the jeeps, Geoff stands up and shouts to the duo. "YO! JAMIE AND ADAM!" Geoff proudly shows off his Mythbusters t-shirt. Adam and Jamie wave back right before their bomb goes off.
As Geoff sits back down, Sniper Wolf speaks to him. "I see that there is another out there who also enjoys the antics of the Mythbusters." She smiles slightly at Geoff and the two start to strike up a conversation.
Cut to the firing spot. Sniper Wolf has her gun ready. Some hundreds of yards behind her are a series of dummies. Some of the dummies are partially hidden by cover and others are not. Some are mounted on mobile platforms while others are stationary. It's the perfect spot to test a sniper's power.
Announcer: Capable of being fed from a five or twenty round box magazine and firing the revered 7.62x51mm NATO cartridge, the PSG-1 is a force to be reckoned with.
This weapon has been used by Solid Snake in the past to rain havoc upon his enemies.
Battle footage is shown of Solid Snake facing down a platoon of the infamous Beauty and Beast Brigade. With nerves of cold steel, the legendary soldier destroys one by one the psychic and heavily armed troops.
Sniper Wolf is ready to show why she got her nickname. Geoff holds his trusty stopwatch. "Ready, Wolf?" She calls out a Kurdish affirmative word.
"Okay! 3 . . . 2. . . 1. . . FIRE!"
The motorized targets start scooting and the match is on. She brings up the heavy rifle as if it were made of plastic. The first shot strikes a dummy between the eyes; fake blood gushes from the wound. A moving dummy suffers the same fate. A dummy hiding partially behind a metal wall finds that is no safety from the eagle eye of Sniper Wolf.
The gun sends off a thunderous retort as the dummies are taken down to China town. When they've all taken a bullet to the head, Wolf moves on to taking heart shots.
The final bullet just misses and flies for a few more miles. The Mythbusters are setting up their pet crash test dummy, Buster. Adam and Jamie are discussing the particulars of their latest myth when buster takes a bullet between the eyes, causing the two men to hit the deck.
Adam and Jamie's swears are edited out but Buster seems sadly resigned to his life as a crash test dummy.
Announcer: The damage is devastating, but the members of team Croc have their own high velocity answer to the PSG-1.
Otacon eyes the Tommy gun that Cash carries with something akin to amusement. "A Tommy gun; I don't think you guys know this but we're not shooting a gangster movie."
Cash scoffs at Otacon; the scientist's attempts at riling only serve to amuse him. "Laugh it up little man. We'll wipe that smile off your face with this baby."
Announcer: The Thompson submachine gun, originally used by cops and gangsters of the prohibition era, this weapon is still extremely common among both the criminals of Gotham and by the staff of Blackgate Prison and Arkham Asylum.
Nightwing elaborates about the gun. "In Gotham they like to use an older model of the gun that fires eight hundred bullets per minute. While it doesn't have a lot of penetrating power, its stopping power is enormous."
Announcer: Sniper Wolf and Otacon are sceptical.
Sniper Wolf shakes her head. "The Tommy Gun has hardly the range of a Sniper rifle. But what can we expect of the criminal scum of Gotham."
Nightwing laughs. "Yeah, it doesn't have the range, but we've got a little equalizer."
The scene flashes forward. Nightwing and Cash are sitting in a pink convertible. Otacon glances over at the flashy vehicle. Now he understands. "A drive by shooting; very GTA."
Max Geiger gives Otacon a high five for video game reference. Geoff just shakes his head at the two geeks.
At the same distance as Sniper Wolf, new dummies have been set. This time the set has been made to look like a bank in Gotham's wealthy uptown district. Nightwing takes the driver's seat and Cash takes the role of shooter.
Both Otacon and Max have their doubts about a man with a hook being able to fire a gun accurately.
Geoff gets the countdown started. "Okay, when I say 'go' you guys floor it towards the targets and fire." He gets his stopwatch all ready to go. "Ready in 3—
The moment he says "three" Nightwing just books it, spinning tires throw up dirt and dust. Geoff just looks stunned and hits the switch to start the countdown.
The pink Cadillac flies along the bumpy terrain. As soon as the car gets within range, the gun starts speaking. Despite the handicap of bumpy terrain and a missing hand, Cash's aim is true. On the first pass, the mobile dummies are peppered with holes.
Nightwing spins the wheel and the car swerves around. Cash fires the remainder of the fifty round drum into the hidden targets.
Rapidly, the main crew approach the carnage. Otacon has overcome his initial scepticism of the Tommy Gun. "I've seen a lot of things in my time but that is just amazing."
Dorian inspects the mobile dummies. "Okay, three dummies on the move and they're all dead." He inspects each dummy in depth. "This guy is dead; he took five bullets in and around the heart."
"This guy is also dead, just not instantly. He's got three bullets to the stomach and in about an hour without medical care he's dead. Until then he's in crippling pain."
"The last guy got a jaw shot, one to the trachea and four in his right shoulder. This guy's not going anywhere."
Now they must inspect the partially covered targets. One dummy behind a steel wall has been gravely injured by shrapnel where the bullets hit. Dorian elaborates. "The shrapnel damage is bad but not fatal. He'll need stitches. The other two guys are unharmed except for one bullet to the arm."
Geoff gives the rundown for the testing. "Okay, the Tommy Gun; I love it and it's deadly but it's no match for the power and accuracy of the PSG-1."
Edge: PSG-1
Announcer: Back at the fight club, testing is reaching its final leg and tempers are running high.
Sniper Wolf and Otacon face down Nightwing and Aaron Cash. They stand on opposite sides of a weapons table. "I don't care how good you think Solid Snake is, the only guy I'd trust to fight that animal is Batman," says Cash.
Otacon scoffs. "Trust me, I can't tell you because it's classified but Snake has tangled with people deadlier than Killer Croc. Snake is going to take himself home a new pair of croc skin boots." He smugly crosses his arms.
To demonstrate how crazy Croc is, Cash brings in sound footage from Arkham Asylum interviews with Croc. Cash hits the play button.
Dr. Westler: What happened back in that house?
Croc: Just business.
Dr. Westler: What kind of business practices result in a house full of mutilated corpses.
Croc: I don't like having my time wasted. Somebody doesn't pay me, they need a lesson. They owed me.
Dr. Westler: So you killed them. Tore up their bodies. The police never found all the pieces.
Croc: They should have looked in the sewers
Dr. Westler: Are you saying that you hid the bodies in the sewers?
Croc: After a while. It usually takes about eight or nine hours. [Croc laughs]
Dr. Westler: Oh my god.
Everybody looks with shock at the video recording, except for Sniper Wolf. She just gives Geoff a subtle look which he returns.
Max is still trying to process what he heard. "Did that guy just make a poop joke?"
Announcer: Now Team Snake comes with their special weapon, the stinger missile.
Sniper Wolf hefts the large weapon in the testing field. Some hundreds of yards away is a target designed to simulate a prison room in Arkham Asylum. Three dummies stand inside the cheap concrete and steel structure while three stand outside.
Geoff gives Sniper Wolf the run down. "You're going to shoot that building in an effort to see how much damage we can do."
Wolf smiles impishly. "I think that can be arranged, Geoff." Temporarily, Geoff's heart rate spikes and you don't need a heart monitor to see it.
Behind the safety glass, Max is working with Otacon to improve the software for the sensors and for the upcoming simulation. Inside the target, Dorian finishes placing pressure sensors on the chests of various dummies. These will test to see if the dummies were wounded or killed by the shockwave.
Soon, Dorian clears the target and it's time to begin. Sniper Wolf has a finger over the trigger mechanism of the stinger missile. Geoff calls to Sniper Wolf. "Ready, baby?" The sexy Kurdish killer nods. "Okay then . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1. . . FIRE!"
It's like poetry in motion. Wolf squeezes the trigger and the missile flies forward by the secondary propulsion mechanism. Then as soon as it's gained some distance, the main rocket motor fires and the stinger missile arcs towards the target with a bang. A concussive boom shocks the barren environment and shards of concrete are sent flying everywhere in a deadly shrapnel hail.
Soon, the experts are there to bask in the glory of the carnage. An inspection of the pressure sensors quickly reveals some interesting news. "The two guys standing outside the blast zone are dead from the shockwave. The third guy out is in some serious pain," says Geoff.
Dorian inspects the dummies inside the enclosure. "These two dummies were just riddled with cement shrapnel. It's unreal how much damage has been done." The dummies leak blood like crazy. "The third guy was crushed by a falling iron wall. The pressure sensor on these dummies reads that they're alive but disoriented. But that doesn't matter since they're all dead by shrapnel and crushing."
Announcer: Thus Team Croc rolls out their special weapon.
Nightwing sets down something that looks like a large plastic box. "This is a Lexcorp model X-48-W explosive device. Cheap to make, these things have become a favourite of terrorist and criminals because they're dirt cheap, powerful and nearly undetectable."
Cash continues the explanation. "They're easy to use; a trained monkey can use one of these. Three years ago, Croc was working for the Joker and he used one of these to blow open a bank vault. The explosion killed half the people at the bank while the Joker finished off the rest."
Otacon just looks at the yellow box unimpressed. "Uh guys, it's a box."
Cash just pats Otacon on the back. "Sure it is, boy. Sure it is."
This box is rigged by Nightwing. The goal is to destroy a recreated bank vault door. The reconstruction is every bit as rugged and strong as the vault at the Gotham Main Bank.
With the bomb set, Nightwing has the detonator on hand and now it's his turn to say the countdown. "Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for flying Bat Clan Air. In case of a bomb the exits are everywhere. 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . AND KABLOOEY!"
It's not a very fiery explosion but it's the most powerful explosion that's been seen on the show so far. There is very little fire but the shockwave can be felt from far away. Against this kind of punch, the giant steel door hasn't got a chance.
High speed camera footage is telling. "Oh my God," says Max, "It blew a six ton door at least forty feet away." On Max's computer screen we can just make out the big door crumpling like a tin can through the smoke and dust.
In person, the results of the Lexcorp explosive device are mind blowing. A door that weighted six tons and was three feet thick now has a giant hole in it large enough for a man to climb through.
Otacon makes a comment. "They use these to blow open bank vaults? This thing would blow up the whole bank unless it has some kind of explosion variable setting."
Nightwing pats the scientist on the back, "And luckily, these things just happen to have that exact feature.
Announcer: With testing completed, Otacon and Max get to work on refining and analyzing the data. The key players give their final commentary.
Nightwing goes first. With is sleek Kevlar suit and domino mask he's the picture of cool. Paul Newman at his coolest couldn't match how Nightwing looks right now. "If they ever meet in real life, I want Solid Snake to beat Croc, I really do. It's just that when people try to kill Croc they think they're just in for a regular hunt. Croc may be dumb but he's smarter than any animal and he's hell-bent on surviving to see his next meal: you."
Sniper Wolf goes next. She's sitting atop a steel table with her weapon of voice placed across her lap. For some reason, her hair is slightly askew and her cleavage is showing just a little bit more than the last time. It looks like she's made out with somebody. "Animals like killer Croc are common on the battlefield; berserk animals with neither honour nor integrity. They kill without hesitation or fear. Against the common foot soldier they are devastating; but soldiers like Snake and I are trained to have no fear. We are trained to have no fear, to endure suffering and inflict it as well." Briefly she pops a magazine into her sniper rifle and snaps it into place. "Men like Croc fight with no regard for their safety, neither do we. Snake will bag new prey for himself."
Aaron Cash crosses his arms. "Speaking as someone who's been on the receiving end of Croc's fury, I know what he's capable of. Maybe if Solid Snake had ten of his buddies with him, then he'd win this fight."
Otacon looks pleased with himself. "I could stand here and speak my case like a sucker but I've got footage from patient tape interviews. This one will do the job at arguing my case for me."
With flourish, Otacon hits the play button on the speaker.
Joker: So who wants to go next?
Croc: [Pounds his fist] Me!
Poison Ivy: Go ahead, Croc
Croc: There I was holed up in this quarry when the bat started hog nosing around. He got closer and closer and then—
Penguin: Yes?
Croc: I threw a rock at him! [Silence passes for a few seconds] It was a big rock
Cut to Dorian standing with Cash. "I know that Croc's diet is mostly raw meat which is very tough to digest. How does he get his vitamins and such?"
Cash shrugs. "When he's free Croc likes to eat a lot of human livers; plenty of vitamins in those."
Dorian winces but his curiosity is still strong. "How does he get his fibre?"
"Croc likes this cheap maple walnut cereal. When he doesn't get he gets violent—er."
The next camera shot is one of Sniper Wolf and Geoff making out like the world is about to end. The biomedical engineer leads a dance of tongues with the foxy Kurdish soldier. They grip on each other with strength far above that of the average pair of lovers.
Suddenly they become aware that they're being filmed and Sniper Wolf lands a punch on the camera lens. The whole screen becomes filled with static.
Announcer: Soon the simulation will began and the fight will start, no rules, no safety and no mercy. Let the deadliest warriors fight!
Commence Fight:
Solid Snake runs through the sewers of Gotham City. The city has been struck by a terrorist attack worse than any attack by the so called super villains.
Terrorists calling themselves the Guns of the Patriots had launched an electromagnetic pulse bomb in the heart of Gotham. Three hundred people had been killed in the initial explosion but the real casualty was electronics. Every electronic device in Gotham was now non-functioning and the city was in chaos.
Snake's objective is the new Metal Gear built by Wayne enterprises. A Metal Gear is a large legged machine designed to launch nuclear warheads. This new Metal Gear is different because it is entirely non-lethal. The machine is designed to destroy other Metal Gears and shoot down nuclear missiles without loss of human life.
Metal Gear Wayne is hidden in a vault deep beneath Wayne Tower, shielding it from the EMP blast. It's Snake's job to get to that Metal Gear before it's stolen by Lex Luthor's mercenaries, by the Guns of the Patriots and the Joker. All of these groups want their hands on that Metal Gear and Snake needs to hurry. The sewers offer the most direct route to the Metal Gear Wayne.
Snake suddenly reaches a heavy steel door. Snake grabs at the opening mechanism but finds that it is rusted shut. Out of curiosity, he looks through a glass porthole in the door. All of the sudden, a giant monster shoots from the shadows on the other side of the door.
Howling like a demon, the monster on the other side of the door throws a punch at the porthole. A giant scaly fist smashes through the porthole made of three inches of
Jumping back, Snake pulls out his SOCCOM pistol and fires three bullets through the glass. Seconds pass and the silence is deafening. Snake isn't sure if his shots killed the monster behind the door.
Suddenly he can hear it; a deep inhaling noise. It dawns on him; the beast is sniffing the air. After a few more sniffs, a chilling, rasping voice issues from the darkness. "I've got your scent," it warns.
Snake can hear a bit of splashing and then silence. The sewers are more direct but this is Gotham; there are no safe places.
Gun drawn, Snake takes an alternate route. The lighting is bad in these sewers, one of every three lights are working and those that work are on their last legs. It's like a modern day version of Paris's catacombs. These watery tunnels are nothing but massive graves where human remains lie buried in mud and shit. In the darkness, homeless people knife each other over a scrap of bread or a single cigarette. Graffiti of the most obscene order marks the chronicles of the denizens of this underground hell.
As Snake runs, he can hear something. Periodically he can hear the sound of water being disturbed and he can hear that deep sniffing. He's not being chased; he's being hunted. Quickly, his path takes him across deep water which can only be crossed by a series of old floating platforms.
The sniffing stops but Snake is still on high alert. Here the lighting is worse and the sound of dripping is oppressive. The air is so cold and muggy that you might feel that you could suffocate.
Suddenly, Snake stumbles on a man who's walking on water and it's not Jesus Christ. It's Vamp, the Romanian knife expert. The pale, shirtless man looks right at home in this crypt like environment. Vamp doesn't even move when Snake shoots him in the head.
To Snake's surprise, Vamp shrugs off the round to the brain and the wound instantly heals. The other man grins vampishly. "I have been given a gift, my friend. Now, I am afraid that I've been sent to stop you. It's a pity you have to die."
Snake isn't worried about fighting an enemy that's immune to bullets and can walk on water; it's all part of his job. But as Vamp got ready to throw some sharp, shiny steel, Snake saw something move in the murky water.
Exploding with the speed of a crocodile, two massive arms as thick as some people's entire bodies shoot from the water and sharp claws dig into Vamp's flesh. Stunned and shocked Vamp stabs at one of those scaly hands before he is dragged into the water with a splash.
Reigning in his panic, Snake takes his pistol and fires into the murky water. The bullets penetrate the water but no blood stains that stygian black.
Snake realizes that his gun is empty. Suddenly, the wooden platform that he stands on begins to shake and it isn't long before the super spy is sprinting like lighting to the next platform.
Not a moment too soon, because as soon as Snake's feet leave the rotted wood that it splinters into a million pieces. As Snake runs, each platform behind him is shattered by his underwater attacker.
At the final platform, Snake takes a flying leap and onto solid ground. With lightning speed far above the reflexes of an average human, the magazine in his gun in ejected and a fresh one popped in. If that monster so much as set foot in front of Snake, it'll find its brain full of .45 calibre slugs.
Snake waits patiently but there is no sign of the monster. Hopefully it will eat Vamp and then take a long nap. He's late as it is and Solid Snake can afford no more distractions.
The smell is killing him; it's only gotten worse since he got here. He has no idea how the crocodile man can stand it down here. In one of the well lit spots, Snake spots an object; it is Vamp's head.
Killer Croc dragged Vamp into the water and ripped off his head before dumping it here. There is no sign of the rest of Vamp's body.
As Snake gets closer to the grisly item, Vamp's eyes fly open. Agony is etched across his features, tempered by great weakness. The nano-machines that give him his incredible abilities are keeping him alive but only just. The pain he's experiencing must be incredible. Slowly he opens his mouth in a kind of noiseless scream. Pleadingly, Vamp mouths for Snakes to help him.
Snake is not so accommodating. "There is no way I'm helping a living head. Go join a sideshow." He then kicks the head into the shadows. Let the bastard rot.
No sooner does the head disappear then Killer Croc makes his entrance. The grotesque man smashes through a flimsy brick wall, roaring like an animal possessed. Croc tosses a manhole cover at Solid Snake. It whizzes through the dust raised by Croc's explosive entrance.
Snake nimble avoids what could have been a bone shattering, organ splattering blow, but in the process the flying metal disc knocks his pistol out of his hand.
Looming out of the murk like a rampaging elephant, Croc runs at Snake while swinging a ten pound sledge hammer. Swinging the heavy weapon, he demolishes a thick metal pipe that would have taken Solid Snake hours to demolish.
The ruptured pipe spews steam as Croc raises his weapon for the kill. Snake rolls out of the way as the sledge hammer hits where he was with enough force to shake the poorly built ceiling.
Arm thrusting out with blurred quickness, Snake slashes at Croc with the CQC knife. The blade draws blood from Croc but the cannibal's thick hide partially negates the damage. Anyway, all that small leg wound does is infuriating Croc.
Snake's life is saved by the lightweight body armour he wears. Croc's tosses a punch at Solid Snake that sends him flying back thirty feet. The landing is painful and without his special ops training, Snake would be incapacitated.
Croc charges again and Snake realizes that the knife is going to be useless against a brute like that armed with a sledge hammer. Snake does something insane, he charges at Croc. Like an acrobat, Snake jumps into the air and lands on Croc's back.
Wrestling an actual crocodile would be easier than this and Snake hangs on with all he has while at the same time avoiding those sharp claws.
Suddenly Snake is thrown off the creature's back, but now he has enough time to get to his Sniper rifle. The weapon isn't designed for the close quarter's action of the sewers but it will have to do.
Croc's yellow eyes narrow and his ears perk at the metallic click of a weapon cocked. He may be an animal but he's an animal who knows to avoid bullets. Defiant of his size, Croc charges for cover as Solid Snake opens fire.
The sniper bullets rip through a metal bulkhead and give Croc a wound but the bestial man keeps running. And just like that, Croc has vanished into the maze of the sewers.
Snake is once more just left alone. A thin stream of smoke comes off of his sniper rifle. The stench of the sewer is mixed with burnt gunpowder.
Croc shoots out from cover and this time he's armed. In either hand is a Tommy Gun, looking absurdly small in his big mitt. Croc doesn't even bother to aim; he just empties two of the fifty round drums into the general area where Snake is.
Hot lead flies at the spec ops agent. In order to dodge the unstoppable spray of firepower, Snake is forced to drop his stinger missile. No matter how much body armour he's wearing, Snake won't survive getting hit.
The muzzle flare from the machine guns glistens off of Croc's long fangs.
Suddenly, Solid Snake does something that only he is capable of doing. He takes his Sniper rifle and fires a bullet right up one of the barrels of Killer Croc's Tommy Guns.
Croc howls in pain as his Tommy Gun explodes in his hand. He continues to fire at Snake but the prey fires a bullet that destroys the ammo drum and makes his other gun useless.
With his sniper rifle, Solid Snake draws a bead right between Croc's eyes. For a split second, he looks into Killer Croc's inhuman yellow eyes. For the span of a millisecond, both warriors can see into one another's eyes and into the other man's soul. There is Snake, a man who has chilled his soul to subzero temperatures to stunt the growth of any emotion or feeling that would interfere with the job. And then there is Croc, a man who for his whole life has experience constant pain and torment until finally it transformed him from a bad man into an outright monster.
Snake's finger tightens on the trigger and the bullet flies free, but Croc has already jumped out of the way; he can feel the hot wind off the heavy slug. Staying low to the ground, Croc charges at Snake and barrels into the other man; the impact shatters Snake's sniper rifle.
Solid Snake writhes in the grip of Killer Croc. Croc tries to get a good grip on Snake but it's like grabbing sand, the harder you try the harder it gets. This isn't easy for Snake because Croc used to be a wrestler of some skill.
Snake's entire field of view is filled with Croc's hungry maw. That stinking breath reeks of ketosis and rotten flesh. That spine chilling rasping voice issues again. "Tick-tock, feed the croc!" Croc lunges with his fangs at Snake's neck—
—only to be stopped by a blow to the throat from Snake. Croc gasps and sputters, reaching for his bruised throat and allowing Snake the clearance he needs to escape.
Breathing heavily, Snake spots the stinger missile. Against Killer Croc, such a weapon would be overkill, but being unable to get his pistol, it's the only choice.
As Croc regains his breath, he sees Snake run. That's not a good thing. In Killer Croc's mind, only one thing runs: food. Getting up and ignoring the pain in his throat, the scaly skinned man charged his considerable bulk at Snake. Rage fills his damaged mind.
Snake's objective is so close, but so is Killer Croc. Ducking down, Snake causes Killer Croc to trip over him.
Croc bellows as he stumbles over Snake, arms wind milling over his head and slamming face first into a concrete wall. Croc was tough as nails but he still felt pain. Head swimming, he spat out a tooth that got knocked free. Then he remembered what happened and he ground his jaws in fury.
Reaching down, Croc grabs the stinger missile and aims it at the still disoriented Snake. The missile missed Snake because Croc had no skill with the weapon and only mediocre aim with guns in general.
The missile hit a wall and behind that wall was a Lexcorp explosive device. The compound explosion ripped through everything and for Solid Snake everything blacked out.
Snake comes too quickly. He's half hanging over a ledge. Below him is what looks like a bottomless drop into one of Gotham's many abandoned cisterns. Groaning in pain, Snake shoved rubble off of himself.
That was a powerful explosion and he's not surprised that it blew a hole in the street above. Sunlight streams through; going through the sewers will no longer be an option because all the tunnels are blocked off.
A bit of luck manifests; Snake has found his SOCCOM pistol. The gun feels good in his hand even though a few of his fingers are broken. His trigger finger is okay.
A bit of bad luck also manifests. Killer Croc explodes out of the rubble and bites down on Snake's shoulder. Blood streaks down through the torn suit of Snakes.
Desperately trying to get the teeth out of his body, Snake lunges forward but this action sends him over the edge. Wordlessly, Snake goes over the edge.
Nostrils flaring, Croc seems startled that his prey got away. Uneasily, he looks over the edge.
And just like that, two legs shoot from the abyss and wrap themselves around Croc's neck. Caught off guard, Croc is caught off balance. With is strength he could easily pry Solid Snake's legs off his neck, but he can't do that and keep his balance at the same time.
Screams of anger mixing with terror, Snake pulls Croc off the ledge and into the bottomless cistern. Croc screams until eventually his voice just fades away into the bottomless dark. If this is like any other of Gotham's abandoned cisterns, it'll be dry and Croc will face a deadly landing.
Solid Snake hangs from an out thrusting piece of rebar by one hand; his gun in the other. Killer Croc is dead, beaten by Solid Snake. Before pulling himself up, Snake screams in victory.
Solid Snake vs Killer Croc
SOLID SNAKE WINS!
Announcer: Snake defeated Croc by a staggering 720 kills to 280.
Max Geiger sits in front of the camera. "I just want to say this : SNAKE WINS! SNAKE WINS! SNAKE WINS! SNAKE WINS! SNAKE WINS! SNAKE WINS!" He gasps for air. "Okay I'm good."
Dorian Armand gives his two cents. "Croc is stronger but Snake has better weapons, that's why he won. And Solid Snake has a healthier diet than Croc."
Aaron Cash stands next to Nightwing. Cash speaks for his team. "Okay, so Snake won. Good for him, but in real life he'd better be prepared."
Otacon lounges near a computer console. "Croc's physical power is devestating, he's like a lion in the jungle, but Solid Snake is the big game hunter and the hunter has bagged his prize."
The camera cuts and Geoff is standing in front of Siper Wolf and he looks like he's going to cry. "Please, don't go. You can stay with me."
Sniper Wolf shakes her head sadly. "Geoff, you are a fine man but you know so little about me. What you see is a tempting woman, but underneath it all I am a monster. I have killed so many."
Geoff pleads with all his heart. "Please, I won't be able to leave without you."
Wolf turns around slowly. "Geoff, at first it will hurt, but eventually it will be like I never existed. And with much stealth, Sniper Wolf is gone.
Geoff collapses as if his heart has been ripped out and Dorain and Max have to hold him up.
Meanwhile, Solid Snake contacted his commanding officer.
Aux
Call
Push select
Snake: Colonel, I was on the show Deadliest Warrior tonight.
Colonel Roy Campbell: Snake, you mother fucker!
Snake: What?
Campbell: I know you've been taking my car for joyrides. You put the engine in neutral and revved it for hours before taking it out.
Snake: How did you know?
Campbell: I took my car to a mechanic. You lied when you said that the problem was with the tires.
Snake: Well, it can't be too bad.
Campbell: The mechanic says that I'm lucky the engine didn't explode!
Snake: So what now, Colonel?
Campbell: Your ass is mine.
Elsewhere in Gotham City, Killer Croc was watching the last minutes of Deadliest Warrior on his seventeen inch tv while eating a huge punch bowl of maple-walnut cereal. "Hurr," he growled, "I look good."
His good mood was shattered when he saw that he lost this episode. In a fit of rage he stood up and tried to roar. His roar was cut off and ended in a whimper of pain as his hands went to his neck "RAAAA—oh, ow!". Last time, Batman had beaten Croc by running him over in his car, doing a real number on old Waylon Jones. The next time that Croc met with Batman, he vowed that he was going to take the Joker and shove him up Batman's ass.
Suddenly, Croc accidently knocked over his cereal and smashed the whole thing on the cobblestone floor with the tinkle of shattered glass. Croc roared in fury and smashed his TV like a pop can. Then he moaned in frustration "Aw, crap." Now he had no cereal and no TV. He badly wanted to watch Cops later on.
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The End
