This is a blog dedicated to hypothetical matches between warriors-mostly fictional but some real-based off of the hit TV series by Spike TV. I ask that you read and make yourself at home. All are welcome here :)
Saturday, May 17, 2014
Sokka vs Hannibal Lecter: Prologue
Disclaimer: I do not own Avatar: the Last Airbender or NBS’s Hannibal. This is a not for profit venture. Now enjoy :)
THE BA SING SE HERALD
Breaking News: The Ba Sing Se Ripper Strikes again!
Our once fair capital city is gripped in fear as a nefarious ripper stalks among us, a wolfbat in koala-sheep’s clothing. Last night at midnight, police discovered the fifth victims of the notorious murderer. Government functionary Joo-Dee was found murdered brutally with a hammer and several of her internal organs were missing. According to one anonymous source, Joo-Dee was still alive when her organs were removed.
While the police are content to be baffled and led by the nose by this mad dog, it is with high joy we announce that the Earth King is summoning aid from the FBI to catch this killer before he can claim another notch on his grisly belt.
Lock your doors, don’t go out at night and trust no foreigner. Since the end of the war a number of Diaspora from the fire nation have immigrated to the slum regions of this once proud city. It is among these hot blooded and often violent people that the FBI and the Earth King’s personal task force will most likely find the Ripper and send him back to hell, from whence he came.
See more on page B2
Sokka sits in the comfy chair and clutches his arm. His normally smiley face is dark with shame and his posture suggests defeat. Somehow even the normally strong ocean blue that he wears seem more muted and has taken on a shade of grey. And worst of all, his warrior’s wolf’s tail could use a bit of a trim and some hair care.
Basically feeling like shit
Looking around, the water tribe boy surveys his surroundings and finds them not to his liking. There are massive windows in the second floor of this massive study but for some reason they let in very little light. Dark woods, mahogany and oak are everywhere and they serve to give the place a palatial air.
Everything here bespeaks of great luxury, a love of the finer things in life but there’s not a single thing in this room that seems inviting or friendly to Sokka. The hundreds of antlers on the wall make him feel like he took a wrong turn and wound up in Gaston’s house.
To say nothing of the halloween decorations at the front
Sitting across from him by a respectable distance is his psychiatrist. The psychiatrist is very much like his home; he’s smoky, refined, wears a shockingly loud suit despite its muted colors and doesn’t seem very friendly.
Sokka doesn’t know what to say, so he says the first thing to come to mind. “What’s with the Christmas tree in the hallway?”
The Psychiatrist’s voice is exotic, probably something Scandinavian or Norse or something like that. “It’s not a Christmas tree. It is an evergreen tree, and it is festive.” His tone is measured and he has almost no facial expression. He’s like a poker player.
Sokka just gives the psychiatrist a weird look, “Man, its frikkin may.”
The psychiatrist says nothing. As if somehow insulted that Sokka has dissed his Christmas tree. Sorry, I mean evergreen tree.
Thirty seconds pass and Sokka sighs. “So, aren’t you supposed to ask me about my mother or something like that?”
Once more the psychiatrist’s measured response reveals nothing. “I would only ask you about your mother if I thought she were somehow responsible for your condition. From what I’ve heard in my correspondence with Avatar Aang, you seem to be suffering from what is most likely post traumatic stress disorder.”
Sokka signs more emphatically, “I’m here because I’m crazy and I’m weak. We all went through the war together but none of my friends are having nightmares like I am.” He laughs without any joy, “I guess I am handicapped compared to my bending buddies; trained under the best swordsman in the world and still don't count. My meat love and sarcasm are still strong as ever, though; there’s something to be happy about.”
The psychiatrist disagrees. “Not at all. Your friends with their bending powers could afford to kill from a distance. You on the other hand relied on a sword. The more personal a kill gets the more traumatic it is. I can still remember an occasion I ran over a cat a few years ago; I can’t even begin to imagine what it must be like to kill a man with steel.”
Sokka glances down at his feet, and in doing so misses the expression of arousal that comes across his therapists’ face for a split second. “Then just maybe I should get a head shrink that can imagine what it's like to do what I've done. I didn't exactly want to see you, but everybody pressured me.” He sits up in his chair and confesses with great frustration, “Look . . . all my life I’ve been the last warrior of my tribe. I fought Azula, I fought the best of the fire nation and the worst of the Earth Kingdom; but now that the fighting is over I’m folding like an accordion. I should be Conan the barbarian enjoying my enemy women's lamentation instead of having panic attacks everytime someone lights a fire or candle without telling me beforehand. My dad is probably so pissed right now that his son is a pussy.” The small confession feels good, but it’s not even a drop in the ocean of frustration and fear that Sokka feels.
“Audie Murphy was the most decorated hero in the history of the US army, but he too suffered from the same condition as you, Sokka. Murphy, like you, hunted to put food on the table and suffered from nightmares and PTSD.” The Psychiatrist’s blank face has become filled with something close to admiration and paternal feelings. Somehow this bit of human emotion from the impassive man causes Sokka to relax a little bit.
A real life meat and sarcasm guy
The psychiatrist goes on, “Just like you pulled your sword on your sister Katara, so too did Audi Murphy pull a gun on his wife. And if I’m not mistaken, the both of you are addicted to sleeping pills.”
This causes Sokka to become angry, “Hey! My sleeping pills are not the issue! Those are a legit medicine that I need to get by.”
The Psychiatrist raises an eyebrow, “That’s not what Suki has told me.”
Now Sokka is really mad and slams his fist on the armrest of the easy chair he’s in. “You shut your fucking mouth! Don’t involve Suki in this!” Getting angrier, he gives the doctor a piece of his mind. “You have no clue what’s going on with me. I don’t give a spider-rat’s ass if you’re the Earth King’s personal psychiatrist. And you know what else? All those diplomas on the wall and the goddamn antlers don’t make up for the fact that you got a little two inch Vienna sausage in your pants. I bet that’s why they call you a shrink!”
So poetic.
To Sokka’s surprise, the psychiatrist starts to laugh.; a hearty laugh shared between good friends and full grins. And perhaps, seeing how ridiculous his outburst was, Sokka starts to join in on the laughter. Nervously at first but louder and prouder, he starts to laugh. When the laughs are over, Sokka feels like a tiny bit of weight has been lifted off his shoulders. “Thanks,” he admits to the psychiatrist.
Now the psychiatrist is starting to break out of his poker face, his smile is warm and even his high cheekbones and small eyes don’t seem so freaky. “I’m here to help you, Sokka. I think you have greatness buried in you, if you just let it. Despite what you think, I believe you have the potential to surpass all your bending enabled friends.”
This makes Sokka smile a bit though his love of the praise is tempered by respect for his friends. “Hey don’t talk shit about my friends doc, but thanks all the same. So what now? Can you give me a pill or something so I can get the hell out of here? The pizza place closes in half an hour and If I hurry I can get a double extra super meat pizza before they shut down the oven.”
The psychiatrist’s smile continues to warm. “I’m afraid you will have to cancel your appointment with the pizzeria, Sokka. I do not believe in psychopharmacology. Pills will not heal your wounds, prevent the nightmares or the panic attacks and violent episodes.”
This really kills Sokka’s good mood. He wants nothing more than to just forget his problems and lose himself in a giant piece of bread slathered in cheese and shitloads of meat. “crap.”
The psychiatrist adjusts his tie asks without a pause, “We need to work with your problems and understand them. For example, do you ever have any homosexual thoughts about Firelord Zuko?”
“Yeah every time I’m alone in the shower I—wait! What??!!” Sokka sputters with outrage. “What the hell does that have to do with anything? And for that matter, what makes you think there’s anything between me and Princess scarface? I love Suki!”
The therapist shrugs, “I never said you didn’t love Suki. I just noticed that you smelled like Firelord Zuko’s underwear drawer.”
The sarcasm comes strong, “Oh yeah, wiseguy, and how do you know what Zuko’s panty drawer smells like, homo?”
Like water on a duck’s back is this to the psychiatrist, “I was a guest at the Imperial Palace when I came across a maid with the fire lord's undergarments. Firelord Zuko uses a different type of detergent for each type of clothing he wears. I can smell every distinct type of detergent he uses and what which goes to what article of clothing. In your case you have same awful floral smell that permeates the Firelord’s underwear. By the scent of you I would say you had your panty adventure two weeks ago today.”
Sokka’s jaw drops, “And you found out all of this just by smell?”
The other man nods, “Yes, I’ve a very good sense of smell. I once determined a colleague had encephalitis before his physician did.”
Sokka raises his hands, “Well whatever, but this is not relevant to anything. We’re here to talk about my war stories, not what Zuko and I allegedly did at the boiling rock.”
A thought bubble appears above the doctor's head and it reads, “You’re making this too easy, sweetie.” He smiles once more and explains to his patient, "As your psychiatrist, it is important for me to know of any obstacles that may stand in the way of your recovery. Nine times out of ten our psychosis are a result of unfulfilled desire. It is my belief that your desires are what is leading you to feel the way you do."
Sokka is exhasperated by this man. "Look, I didn't go to shrink school but I know myself. The need to squeeze booty is not what's making me crazy."
The psychiatrist's gaze focuses on Sokka eagle like. "You are not crazy, Sokka. I do not believe in using that word; either medically or casually. What you have is post traumatic stress disorder. As a male you are more genetically predisposed it than females are. As a child soldier you were especially at risk for the disorder. Not to mention the stress of a broken home and being forced to assume a parental role to your sister."
The normally mouthy Sokka has nothing to say. What can be said? He can't say anything for he feels like his chest cavity is full of led. He feels like he's barely keeping it together at the best of times.
"A truly great man posesses a strong sense of the sardonic and this allows them to differentiate themselves from the myth making of greatness, to have greater self awareness and survive what would destroy his supposed superiors. More than any of your bending friends, you have the capacity to do great things and to seperate yourself from the pretensions that shackle others. My sarcasm and my oft times inappropriate comments are my way of testing you. There is hate in you and so much anger, hold onto those feelings and nurture them."
The water tribe boy sits straight and gives the doctor a warning smile, "Just make sure you don't insult my friends again; or I will make you regret it."
The psychiatrists's eyes twinkle at this. "How would you make me regret it, Sokka?"
This takes the boy by surprise. This doctor seems to like violence more than fans of metalocalypse. "I guess I would--I don't know--hit you in the face with a tennis racket or something. Can do this later, I'm really, really hungry. I haven't eaten anything since lunch and a Super glacier double meat pizza would hit the spot."
His therapist however shakes his head, "Normally I see my patients in one hour blocks but for you I am willing to invest much more. You may have to miss buying that unfortunate pizza; but luckily I have planned ahead and broght meat."
This makes Sokka almost jump for joy. "MEAT!! YEAH! Good for you Doctor, um, what did you say your name was again?"
"I didn't say what my name was; but you may call me Hannibal Lecter."
The meat and sarcasm guy claps his hands together, "Awesome, Dr. Lecter; I knew you weren't a dick."
Hannibal's eyes narrow just a bit but he shrugs it off. He reaches behind his easy chair and produces a tray of delicate meat treats. "Beef roulade wrapped in shimo leaf and stuffed with herritage rice and cured ham on heart tartare."
Hannibal barely has to wait a second before Sokka snatches the tray from him and starts to gobble down the treats. The boy chews loudly and makes moans of pure nigh orgasmic pleasure. "Oh man . . . it's sweet . . . it's salty . . . it's perfectly chewey . . . IT'S HOT!!!!!"
Having eaten nearly half the tray, Sokka swallows what he has in his mouth and starts to despertely fan his mouth.
"Indeed, these are several recipes I picked up during my travels of the fire nation. Of course I have lowered the spice level a great deal but the results seems far from perfect still."
Sokka pants, "No it's good. Oh hot! It's the only spicy thing I really like. But I need a drink fast!"
Dr. Lecter smirks once more. "Never fear for I have every eventually accounted for." From once more behind his chair Hannibal Lecter reaches. He produces a thermos and pours tea that's hot but not too hot. "Tea of jasmine pearls with juniper berry, wild mushroom and dark chocolate."
Sokka greatefully accepts the cup of tea and takes it all in one gulp. "Thanks Dr. Lecter. That's the best tea I've ever had. You should show this to old man Iroh. He's nuts for tea. And these treats are the only good thing I've tasted from the fire nation." Giggling a bit, Sokka makes a joke. "I just hope those aren't magic mushrooms in the tea."
Suddenly, Hannibal's poker face is back on. "Actually they are."
The patient blinks, "Come again?"
Dr. Lecter explains to Sokka, whose eyes are rapidly glazing over. "I find that the best therapy is often the most radical. In many cases, the use of powerful hallucinogens opens the door to great internal discovery and growth. The effect you're feeling is the species of mushroom in the tea as well as the small amount of cactus juice I marinated the meat with."
But Sokka had stopped listening a long time ago. His vision is totally unfocused and the tray and the thermos cup fall from his hands. He stares straight into space and a goofy smile contorts his features.
Standing up, Hannibal walks the few paces that seperate him and Sokka. He snaps his fingers a few times in front of the boy's features. No response; that is very good.
Dr. Lecter walks back to his chair and reaches behind it a final time. From it, he pulls up a flashing seizure lantern similar to the type used by the Dai Li.
Dr. Lecter darkens the room and shines the seizure lamp into Sokka's glazed eyes. From inside his drug addled mind, Sokka can see many things but more importantly he can hear just one man.
Hannibal's smokey accent comes to him from everywhere and nowhere. "There is no gravity, but you are falling Sokka. You are falling somewhere warm and quiet."
The voice distorts, like the tones of some fallen angel, "You are falling into the spaces in your head. And there's only you . . . and me."
Everything is going to be okay, Sokka
OMAKE:
Author: Here's a little Omake. Just for the sheer fun of it :) Because I've been seperated too long from my passion.
John Cleese: And now for something completely different.
Blaring heavy metal music explodes on the speakers and we're treated to Avatar Aang riding a motorcyle through a dark forest. The rest of the gaang are packed into four sidecars on the side of the motorcycle.
Doodly-ding-dong-ticktock!
Doodly-ding-dong-ticktock!
Doodly-ding-dong-ticktock!
Doodly-ding-dong-ticktock!
Doodly-ding-dong-ticktock!
The motorcycle picks up speed and the sidecars detach. In a brutlally metal move, Avatar Aang earth bends an entire mountain from the ground covered in razor sharp rocks.
Aaaa-vaaa-taaarrr!!!
Gracefully and brutally the entire gaang lands on various ledges on the mountain while nonsense plays on the song.
Bo . . . gigi . . . boba . . . chop
The Last Airbender!!!
The music goes into higher gear as each of the gaang stands for a brutal cinematic intro highlighted by lightning.
Katara Taller than a tree!
Toph Bei-Fong, not a bumblebee!
Zuko scarface, scarface, scarface!
Soka meat and sarcasm guy!
Doodily doo, ding dong doodily doodily doo!
Avatar Aang!
[insert brutal drum and guitar solo here]
From Spike TV
Avatar: The Bendingocalypse
Ozai appears before his ministers in the Tribunal's war room. "Gentlemen, it appears that the Avatar has returned.
AND i HOPE YOU LIKE THIS AS MUCH AS I LIKED WRITING IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yelling as loud as he can, he grabs the ink well off of the desk and throws it against the wall. The bottle shatters and splatters deep, black ink over the wall. The black colour of the ink deeply disturbs him. A lot of things disturb him lately, the shadows at night, the moment of twilight when the sun sinks below the sun but it's not quite dark yet. Unlit closets and under beds at night alarm him to his bones. Even the black sheen of his boots troubles Eren greatly.
The room around him is a mess. This used to be Father Nick's personally study before . . . . well before he turned up dead after sucking on the barrel of a flintlock and pulling the trigger. Investigators have gone over the office with a fine toothed comb, but a little prompting by Mikasa is enough to make him take a look over; since the investigation of the priest's death is rather lacklustre, just enough to warrant suspicion.
Everything was going fine after the death of the mysterious drunk from Metro city and the inexplicable retreat of the cock titan. But these panic attacks have been happening with more and more frequency.
Papers and broken furniture litter the room. The moment those feelings hit him, Eren could no longer control himself. He's tried so hard, but the depression and anxiety drove him to lash out--not with righteous anger but from fear like a cornered animal.
Foaming at the mouth with bulging eyes, Eren grabs an ornate fountain pen by the base of an overturned oak desk and bites down on it. His teeth hurt as the ebony pen cracks, but he really can't stand the colour of the expensive pen.
Spitting out the pieces, Eren looks around at the destruction he's caused. And then there's Jean Kirchstein. "What is it Eren?" he asks in that tone that's somewhere between a sexual invitation and hostility.
To the artist, did you mean to draw this so horrifying?
On the verge of ripping his hair out, Eren seethes at his squad mate, "Shut up, Jean." Futiley, he starts to smack himself up side the head to stop the malaise. All the muscles on his body feel stiff, he feels like he's caught in tar and the stiffest muscles of all are the ones for smiling.
Then he hears Jean again, sitting in a bloody broken chair with his head cocked at a very, very unnatural angle. "What is it Eren?"
Snapping at his comrade, Eren shouts, "What do you want? Do you want to fuck me? If not, then shut your fucking cake hole." He turns around and desperately starts to scan for a bit of evidence in the office that he himself trashed.
Eren hangs his head while Jean watches him with that vacant smile that rules uncanny valley with an iron fist. Ignoring his creepy "friend" Yeager decides to check out the mantle over the fireplace, somewhere he hasn't utterly destroyed.
There's a bottle of alcohol right there.
"What is it Eren? What're you looking for?" Jean asks, adjusting his neck with a too loud crack. "Shouldn't you be wondering why Levi is dead."
This causes Eren to spin around with rage, "What the hell are you on about? Levi's not dead! He can't be. He's humanity's strongest soldier!."
Jean . . . looks sad. "I'm afraid he is, Eren. Dead by your hand, guided by "them" naturally; along with many others."
Eren chuckles emptily at this statement, "Is that supposed to scare me? "Them?" I'm not afraid of your conspiracy shit, Jean."
Levi's eyes bulge as Eren crushes his larynx with a strong punch
"You're crazy," Eren insists,
Eren uses his own fingernails to rip hunks of flesh off of Levi's body, blood splattering all over his face
"I would remember if I killed someone,"
Eren lights a cigarette after dismembering Malcom van Horne, a satisfied grin on his face
"I never killed anyone," Eren says aloud. Jean is gone now, suddenly as he came. He's well and truly alone, and he has been since he got to this office.
But of course he never killed anyone. He also, especially didn't kill Jean. He definitely didn't grab the back of Jean's hair and snap his neck like a twig. Nor did he throw Jean's cold body into a shallow ditch, eyes staring at him accusingly. No that's all just a bad dream and Jean was just in the room with him spinning about crazy conspiracy theories.
Eren then notices the bottle of wine on the mantle. He smiles out of desperation and the hope of relief. All these grisly flashbacks are naught but battle stress. He never killed anyone. He just needs a drink . . .
Those eyes . . .
Mikasa Ackerman stands before her superior officer, Zoe Hanji. The bespectacled women looks at Mikasa with a sideways grin that shouted out loud "mad genius."
The junior member of the scouting corps spoke to the mad woman in the darkest and deepest cellar of Castle Utgart, in the same room where Eren received a dire warning from the Cypher.
For once, the normally taciturn Asian girl is torn by indecision. She keeps looking at Zoe Hanji, but something always stops her. Some inner intuition tells her that the mad scientist Zoe Hanji is only the tip of the ice berg of what is really a very dangerous woman.
"Eren, Armin and I have been investigating the last Titan attack. We've searched for Titan shifters but after the cop from Metro city . . . I feel something is deeply and terribly wrong."
Hanji laughs in a way that is overbearing and braying like a female hyena. "Be specific, Mikasa-kun. Wrong is defined as something out of order, something morally wrong and out of place." Zoe cocks her head and in the flickering light of the fluorescent bulb her eyeglasses take on a horrific sheen. From behind pure white windows of light, she pierces Mikasa with a perception so piercing that it sees through flesh, blood and lies. "Tell me, what is wrong, Mikasa-Kun?"
Mikasa responds coolly to Hanji. "Father Nick was murdered. There's corruption among the Nobles and more to the Titans than we ever dreamed of," she falters but continues, "But that's nothing, nothing compared to other things. Eren should never have fought the man from Metro City. There's . . . there's no metro city, no shotguns or locusts. None of that should be real."
A few seconds pass and Hanji lowers her gaze at Mikasa. A smirk of motherly admiration comes across her features. "Now that, is exactly why you were meant for better things, Mikasa-Kun." The mad genius of the Scouting corps speaks to the girl, "I know you only want Eren's safety. So in the name of that, I think you and me should step into my office."
This causes Mikasa to narrow her eyes, "What are you asking of me?"
Hanji shatters the tension by laughing once more, "Well Mikasa, all will be answered in my office! And what's more, we can protect Eren. And by "we" I really mean the Reebs corporation; a subsidiary of Fegelcorp."
"Fegelcorp?" like Metro city, this is another thing which Mikasa knows shouldn't exist. However the mention of the name Fegelcorp makes her feel both fear and the odd anticipation that antics are going to go down.
Hanji flashes a winning grin. "Come on, Mikasa-Kun. I promise that we will keep Eren safe. And furthermore," her grin turns malevolent, "I will never ask you to trust me."
"But what about Armin?"
At this, Hanji's manic grins turns to a small smirk, "Don't worry about him, I've got my son watching over him."
Footsteps ring through the wooden attic in the shattered remnants of Eren Yeager's old house. despise significant titan damage, the attic is mostly infant, along with all the furniture. It is here that "Armin" walks over to a big wooden trunk with flies buzzing around it.
Opening the trunk, Randall Flagg, disguised as Armin Arlert opens to reveal the real Armin; locked inside this trunk for way too long.
"Whoa, Armin, man; you really need to take a shower."
Dirty deeds, done dirt cheap
Dead for weeks, Armin has nothing to say to flagg. His glazed eyes and rictus expression still can tell the story of his last few agonizing moments. By some quirk of gravity, Armin's left eyeball rolls out of his skull with a sticky noise.
Smirking, Flagg leans against the side of the trunk and talks to the corpse. "You know, Mikasa, I really like her. I mean, she's really good at what she does. Eren is already crazy but I think that Mikasa would need real work to go insane."
He nods as he pretends that Armin's corpse is talking to him.
"Yeah, I know! For sure! oh, and before I go any further, I'm kinda sorry for cutting off your dick and choking you to death with it. Technically I didn't have a reason to kill you, but when you said that the world was cruel; that really made me lose it."
Flagg laughs, "I mean, 'The World is cruel.' Come on, Armin," he starts to get angry, "The world isn't cruel. It's so much worse than just cruel."
He flashes a psychopathic grin with Armin's stolen features. "So in a way, I guess it's your fault. You were just asking for this."
He turns around and slams the trunk shut, "Oh well, better get back to work for the master. Oh, I'm coming for you Anthony, I'm coming for you. Nobody fucks with me, not even you, Tony."
The King laughs as he sits with Dot Pixis, leader of the Garrison. The former is a balding, fat, decadent hedonist with no morals while the other is a carbon copy of a Japanese general from the second world war.
No I didn't invade China, why do you ask?
"Bah-hah! And then Winston Churchill and I ate the entire can of frosting together," the obese monarch laughs.
Dot Pixis rolls his eyes and tries to avoid smacking the fat shit, "Thrillin sire, surely."
The King laughs and chokes a bit on a pastry before continuing to stuff his face, "And then he told those damn starving orphans that socialism is the envy and misery of the poor."
Dot Pixis nods again, "Surely, sire,"
The King gulps down down like a bad parody of Dinyus, "As you can see, in our Kingdom we've survived this long by holding down the freeloaders and moochers; all of those refugees from the outer wall were just expiating a handout. Bums only want cream in their coffee and bread on their plate, well they must earn it! Bwa-ahaha-ACK!!!!" The King began to choke on his wine and pastry, causing him to spit a mix of saliva, booze and chewed cake all over his chin.
the balding General Pixis signs and wonders when Erwin Smith's plan to overthrow the man will kick in.
Then he kicks in.
SMASH!!!!!!
The door to the royal meeting doom explodes into splinters and a flying beetle the size of a crow buzzes into the room. Dot reaches for his flintlock but before he can grab the weapon, the razor bug slices open his throat.
the King is once more stained, but this time with hot blood rather than cool wine. Spitting out his cake, the King calls for his guards when a mutated alien serpent flies through the air like a spear and harpoons the obese King.
the King screams in agony as he's throw backwards and pinned to the marble of the conference room. Into the room like a walking nightmare is the alien Nom Anor, now shedding his human disguise. His very appearance makes the King shake and gibber in fear; his scarred visage and oft broken nose looks like shredded meat labelled unfit for human consumption.
"You!" Anor points an accusing Talon at the King and leaps across the room like a velicoraptor. The King cannot speak for Nom has wrapped said claw around his throat, "You betrayed me!"
The King's eyes bulge and his features go white as a sheet, "I-I-I-I-
"Enough!" Anor shrieks, his features horribly burned from the viagra factory fire. "You hired me to take Eren Yeager alive. Yet no sooner did I do that than the burning titan attacked! You assured me you controlled the titans, you assured me that the recon corps would not interfere! You have three seconds to explain."
The King chokes, his airway opened just enough for him to speak, "You were sent to capture Yeager, but allied forces have him under control. You were no longer necessary."
Anor hisses through his crocodile teeth, "So you threw me away? Why? And if I don't like your answer I'll tear you limb from limb!"
"The Titans . . . "the King trails off.
Anor growls, "I don't care about the Titans."
The King gurgles but manages to get his words out, "The Titans were created to produce energy, to filter energy, meant to create infinite power from the finite energy and mass of human bodies. They were meant to be . . . protectors."
For the first time, the soft, fleshy monarch meets Nom Anor's inhuman gaze, "The Titans protected us from you. . . from--."
A harsh talon slashes across the King's face and across his eyes. Anor does not like the King's answer. "Enough of your meaningless babble! I will let you live if you tell me what's so important about Eren Yeager, so that I can take advantage of him for my own damn gain."
The King is starting to turn blue, "He is the . . . coordinate. . . a failsafe . . . if the Titans fail . . . then he . . ."
Suddenly, the entire palace rumbles and Nom Anor spins around. His slitted eyes narrow at the sound of what seems like an earthquake, when all of the sudden his eyes widen as he hears music star to play.
Happy Caliope music plays and Nom Anor spins around to see the King gone. The Amphistaff, the mutant alien snake leaves the marble wall and climbs up to his hand. Confused, the Yuuzhan-Vong spy spins around when a disembodied voice speaks to him.
"Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain! The great Oz has spoken."
"Who the hell are you?" Anor demands.
The voice laughs, "That will be revealed! But first: a warning to the old, the young, and the faint of heart!."
Anor sneers at the mocking voice.
"It only gets more fantastic, more amazing, more--dare I say it--fucked up than ever before!!!"
The voice laughs and bids adieu, "See you soon, Nom Anor, you and all the deadliest Warriors!"
Everything goes dark, and the last thing the audience sees before the fade out is two glowing eyes.
Master of the Boot's deadliest Warrior: The Reboot!
Author's note: I do not own either Attack on Titan, Deadliest Warrior or Bloodshot.
Scene:
The Three hosts from Deadliest appear on screen.
Armand Dorian starts first, "First of all, we want to apologize on behalf of the author for the long hiatus of this story."
Geoff goes next, "There's been jobs, marriage and a decision to join the army."
Max finishes, "And frankly, Mental's horde vs Raynor's Raiders was just too exhausting to finish. But don't think that it's going to be cancelled."
Armand smiles, "That's right! While Raynor vs Mental may be on hiatus, the show will go on. Unlike the hit series on spike, this bad boy is coming back."
Geoff holds out his arms, "So let's all give a big round of applause as the story of the deadliest warriors continues!"
Announcer: Let's fucking rock and roll!!!!!
DEADLIEST WARRIOR!
Announcer: After a long and hungry hiatus, we're back and better than ever before
The scene shows Geoff and Armand standing before a giant supercomputer.
The computer technology is more advanced than ever
The next shot shows Alucard russian dancing on top of a table full of broken glassware
The moves are smoother than ever
A Tau fire warrior detonates a bomb that puts a crater in the ground the size of an aircraft carrier
The explosions are bigger than anything in your wildest dreams!!
Darth Maul and Vampire Hunter D sword duel over a volcanic pit
Avatar Korra dodges a strike from Abbadon the despoiler
A Tau fire Warrior lays down fire at a charging armoured bear
all of it to ask just one . . . single . . . question
Tony Jay, the dark voice laughs in pure evil as his plans unfold perfectly
WHO
IS
THE
DEADLIEST
WARRIOR!!!!!!!!!!
The deadliest warrior logo flashes on the screen
Announcer: here in the brand new refurbished fight club, the guys are ready to go, the simulations are ready to run and hopes are high.
Geoff is gleeful, "After Spike cancelled us, I was so bummed out. But when the Court of Owls threatened to kill the Spike executives, we got a second chance at life."
Armand dorian pulls out a human heart from a freezer, "While the show was cancelled, I was forced to make a living doing emergency surgeries for organized crime members." The tanned doctor shudders, "They paid well but I did things I never thought I'd have to do once I graduated from college."
Mr Bean pops up from out of nowhere and gives the camera a knowing look, "If you know what I mean." Bean says suggestively before vanishing.
Max appears behind a gigantic supercomputer, "While those two layabouts were doing nothing; I took the time and stole a government supercomputer for my simulations." He gestures to the mighty computing machine, "Say hello to the Cray Titan; able to compute at 17.59 petaFLOPS per second."
I bought his bitch at a yard sale
Cray Titan then speaks up in a monotone voice, "The petaFLOP is a measurement of calculations per second. Your choice to say "per second" is highly redundant."
"Shut up!" Max yells at the computer. Then he adds, "Oh, we kept on Robert Daly to be our butt monkey."
Over to the left is Robert, obliviously typing on his laptop when all of the sudden he's run over by a speeding ferrari driven by Billy Mays.
Are you tired of Robert Daly?
Geoff shows up again, while behind him a young Asian woman is practicing with a sword that looks like an exacto knife. "Today we're going to have two very brutal and frankly anti-social heroes fight for our viewers benefit. Mr Announcer guy?"
Announcer: Our first battle for the reboot shall be Eren Yeager!
Voted anime character most likely to join the Nazi party
Camera flashes to show a young boy in a grappling hook harness attacking a cannibalistic giant.
The young man who sword to eradicate the Titan menace that plagued his world at any cost
Now the camera shows a dirty, grungy, pissed off looking man cradling a lead pipe covered in bloodstains.
Announcer: Ethan Thomas! Once an accomplished FBI agent, he was driven into exile by the mysterious cult Oro Invictus.
Drunk, tired and pissed off. Also armed
A clean shaven, straight laced Thomas morphs into a murderous, homeless Thomas battles with a psychotic group of rioters
Friendless and struggling with alcoholism, Ethan used the most blunt, brutal violence to battle an evil cult and put a stop to hardcore crime.
Announcer: Eren's Childhood friends Mikasa Ackerman and Armin Arlert represent their friend as well as the Scouting legion.
AKA: Failionaire the failtrocity,
The Asian girl from earlier opens up, "Eren will win this fight. He's fought murderous giants with a Wolverine like healing factor while Ethan spends his time killing homeless people."
Is there a good reason she's not the main character?
The blonde boy ARmin pipes in, "Eren is more driven than anyone I know. For him killing titans is an obsession. Not to mention the fact that he can turn into a titan himself."
At the point, the announcer says what we're all thinking about Armin.
Announcer: Hey homo, He-Man called; he wants his hair back.
At this, everyone in the studio except Mikasa starts to laugh at Armin; even Robert Daly. Armin blushes with extreme humiliation as several Asian farmers stop to mock him in their native language.
An attractive African-American women appears on the camera, "My name is Lt Angel Rosa. As a forensic analyst, I worked with Ethan Thomas for years; before and after his fall into alcoholism. Ethan beat his alcohol addiction and he beat many unstoppable foes. He's skilled and strong enough to take on multiple armed enemies in hand to hand combat and he's highly intelligent; able to get inside the minds of the criminals he's hunting and locate clues that others would miss at a crime scene."
Mikasa retorts to Rosa, "True to all of that, but Mr. Thomas has never fought a titan before."
Rosa nods, "True, but Ethan has fought a rabid bear before. So he has at least some experience with large, murderous animals that can't be punched out."
Announcer: Pierce Larue was an elite FBI member who accompanied Ethan on many of his journeys through a city that would make Spawn want to move to a better neighbourhood.
A bald Afro-American man in tactical gear who looks like Sergeant Johnson's grandfather appears with a smile and a wink. "Ethan is going to fuck up this little punk. This kid got eaten in episode five and didn't kill a single Titan until he became one. At least the first wave of guys on Saving Private Ryan knew they were fucked."
The three hosts stand between the two groups of experts, "Well guys," says Geoff, "There's only one way to prove who will win."
==STATS==
Ethan Thomas:
Age: 35
Height--5'10''
Weight: 200 lbs
Eren Yeager:
Age--15
Height--170 cm
weight--63 kg
==X-FACTORS==
Eren Yeager
Battle Skill: 9/10
Initiative:10/10
Strategy: 3/10
Teamwork:5/10
Passion: 10/10
Discipline:4/10
Ethan Thomas
Battle Skill: 9/10
Initiative:9/10
Strategy: 7/10
Teamwork:6/10
Passion: 610
Discipline:6/10
Geoff, Armand and Max stand beside the supercomputer Cray Titan. "So Cray," Says Geoff, "What can you tell us about the new X-factors?"
Cray responds in a monotone voice, "Among other things, skills and initiative were factored in. Teamwork was also factored in because an inferior fighter can still sometimes win a fight if he gangs up on his foe and kicks the crap out of him with superior numbers."
The computer continues, "In this case, Eren and Thomas were close in terms of battle skill, initiative and teamwork. Both men suffer from slightly lower discipline, however Ethan Thomas highly defeats Yeager in terms of strategy. Ethan is frequently attacked by psychotic mobs and must use improvised tools and careful strategies lest he die. While quite honestly, Eren has fallen to titans easily when not in his shifter form."
Armin and Mikasa walk up, only for Armin to scoff at the computer. "A plague on you! You're metal and plastic; you don't understand what Eren can do."
Announcer: He understands you spread it like cream cheese for Eren
Armin shouts at the announcer, "Stop mocking me."
Geoff ignores the announcer as Rosa and Larue approach, "Well I don't know about the rest of you guys, but I think we need to start doing some weapons testing."
Armand shouts and gives Max a high five, "Yeah baby! I've missed this!!"
The camera shifts to show three pig carcasses hanging from the ceiling. The shot pans to reveal the hosts and the experts.
Geoff talks to Mikasa. "Okay, so what does Eren bring for his up close and personal game?"
In response, the stoic asian girl holds up two swords that appear segmented like utility knives. "When fighting titans, every set of 3D maneuver gear comes with a set of disposable swords. These swords are built by first rate craftsmen to be both light and highly durable."
She takes her sword and plugs it into the sheath connected to her 3D gear. "When a sword grows dull, as many titans have highly dense hides; we can replace that sword quickly and easily. The blade is forged titanium steel with a high carbon content and vanadium."
Larue smack talks his rival. "Well that's a nice knife . . . for cutting thanksgiving dinner. Ethan will just take that and shove it up Eren's candy ass."
Armin smacks talks back, and he's not very good at it. "Why you . . . Eren will . . . eat . . . Ethan's sack!"
Crickets sound as everybody in the room looks at him funny.
Announcer: You'd know a lot about biting sack, wouldn't you?"
"Shut up!" Armin shouts.
Ignoring the bickering, Geoff attacks two devices to Mikasa. "Okay, we've got a device to measure velocity on your wrist and on your sword. When you're ready, just take a swing."
AT this, everyone steps back as Mikasa gets into fighting position.
Geoff grabs a stop watch and gives it a kiss before proceeding. "Mikasa, you're on in 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . ATTACK ON TITAN!!!"
What Mikasa does puts the cyborg ninja to shame. She leaps forward and spinning like sonic the hedgehog and cuts the three pig carcasses in half, midway through the chest.
Not to be outdone, Mikasa draws a second sword from her sheath and with two strikes at once beheads three pig carcasses.
The girl says nothing, merely giving a bow.
Rosa nods her head in approval. "That's impressive. If Eren is half as good as that, then Ethan had better watch his step."
Armin pipes in, "Don't worry, Eren't nowhere near as good as Mikasa."
"Shut up, Armin!" Mikasa shouts at Armin, throwing one of her swords like a spear.
A terrified Armin breaks out into a sweat as Mikasa's sword sticks into the wall next to his head. "Don't you dare jeopardize Eren's chances at this!" she shouts.
The room stays silent for several second before the announcer interrupts.
Announcer: Let's just stay calm here. Now I believe if we can go for five minutes without killing one another we'll all be fine.
About five minutes pass but we fast forward through it all
Announcer: Mikasa proved herself a god with a blade, but now Ethan Thomas's experts go forth with an eclectic but effective collection of melee weapons.
Pierce Larue stands in front of a small wooden table with several objects on it. "Now, Ethan normally prefers to give out knuckle sandwiches; but when the going gets tough; Ethan throws everything at his enemies but the kitchen sink."
Illustrating his point, Larue picks up a brick, "Metro city has some of the worst zoning laws in the nation; piles of discarded bricks are more common than snowflakes at Christmas."
He then grabs a two by four with nails sticking out of it, "Here's Jesus Christ superstar. Double what I said about shitty zoning laws. Can be found in almost any trash bin or old oil drum around the city."
Next on the list is well . . .
"A toilet seat!" Larue crows with a winning smile, "No further explanation."
Last but not least is the most bizarre item on the list. "A flaming prosthetic arm! Now that's what I'm talking about."
Armin looks at the table full of Ethan's weapons in disbelief. "What do you call all this garbage?"
"We call it the quad. Ethan like to improvise his weapons, but he usually keeps a brick or plank on him at nearly all times."
Mikasa also adds her sense to the matter, "We bring a high quality sword. You bring four pieces of shit. "
Rosa cautions Mikasa, "You wouldn't say that if you could see what Ian has done."
The camera changes and now Larue is standing in front of four ballistics gel dummies.
The bearded Afro-police officer grins with excitement at the prospect of smashing heads; even if they are synthetic.
Geoff gets his stop watch again, "Pierce, in 3 . . . 2 . . . 1. . . BLOODSHOT!!!!"
Pierce gives out a loud roar and grabs the toilet seat. Throwing it as hard as he can, the "u" shaped piece of plastic slams into the neck of a dummy and knocks it over.
He then grabs a brick and a two by four and goes to town. Strapping the brick to his belt, he takes the two by four and smashes a dummy across the head with it. The gel head bounces back and forth and a second strike totally rips out a synthetic eye. A third strike rips open the head and spills brains.
Dropping the plank, Larue takes his brick and drives it as hard as he can into one of two standing dummies; there's a crunch and immediately fake blood gushes down the dummy's forehead.
Running back to the table, he takes the fake arm, uses a match to light it on fire and then goes crazier. The FBI agent takes the claw on the flaming arm and disembowels the final dummy; spilling its guts and cooking them at the same time.
"AND TIME!" Geoff shouts as he cuts the stop watch. "Twenty seconds and four casualties; I couldn't have wished for more."
Now it's time to look at the destruction first hand. On come Armand's gloves. "Well, the guy who got hit by the toilet seat was an instant kill. The larynx is totally crushed from the impact."
He examines the two blunt impact kills, "Both of these instant kills, but I want to draw your attention to the disembowelment." He points to spots where the gelatine has melted. "From what we can see here, where the burning fake arm tore out the intestines caused third degree burns. Not an instant kills but so agonizingly painful that it really would put Eren out of the fight."
The three hosts take time to deliberate. "Ethan's weapons were brutal, effective and past video footage has shown Ethan can throw them as accurately as a firearm." Geoff states.
Max however has a point, "True, but Ethan's swords killed three targets in less than a quarter of the time that Ethan needed to kill three. Not to mention that while Larue threw a toilet seat at fifty feet per second; Levi could throw his swords at least that fast if not faster."
Cray Titan the computer speaks up, "Have you reached a decision?"
The lads nod, "Yes we have," says Armand.
EDGE: EREN YEAGER
==WEAPONS==
Eren Yeager:
Long range--Flintlock musket
Medium range-Flintlock pistol
Short range--Twin swords
Tactical aid--3D maneuvering gear
Special--Titan form
Ethan Thomas:
Long range--Oro Crossbow
Medium range--combat shotgun
short range--The Quad combo
Tactical aid--Taser Gun
Special--Sonic attacks
Geoff and his gang show up again, "So in this round, we're testing the long range stuff."
Max finishes for Geoff, "So we're back again to the old black powder versus bow argument."
Armand stands before the camera and gives both of his boys a hug, "So we're join going outside!!!"
Announcer: To this game, Eren Yeager brings the Flintock model 845 infantry musket!
Out in a wide open field, Armin holds a musket which he takes and flips multiple times like a conductor's baton. The gun is a massively long construct of wood and iron, beautifully finished and work of true craftsmanship.
With a final spin, Armin takes the gun and aims the unloaded death weapon at the camera. "The 845 infantry musket is the most perfect form of the musket ever invented." he takes the gun and aims to the side. "With a 41 inch long barrel of .75 calibre, the gun is highly accurate and very easy to use."
Armin then backs off and points to the features of the gun, "note the high quality flint above the frisson. The barrel is highly polished, this would normally deteriorate the quality of the steel in the barrel but we in the walled city have the advantage of high quality seamless hand crafted steel."
"The lock is made of durable springs and the frizzen (or hammer) is hardened and throws up good sparks thanks to a cyanide hardening technique discovered recently. Though mostly restricted to use against humans, this gun has proven its worth time and time again."
Larue is not impressed, "you fighting redcoats with this shit?"
Armin points the gun at Larue, causing the FBI agent to jump back. "No, I'm hunting traitors, criminals and heretics with this?"
"Heretics?" Rosa asks?"
"Don't ask," mumbles Armin.
The blond He-Man cosplayer shifts over and points to four targets behind him made of ballistics gel. "Behind me are four simulated targets. During our three years of training, we are drilled relentlessly with every kind of weapon. So to raise the stakes, I have to pay Rosa twenty dollars if I don't shoot all four targets in one minute."
"And you'd better not welch on our wager," Rosa warns Armin.
The blonde boy glares at his rival in this show. "Oh let's make this interesting. I'll fire four shots from my musket without the first shot being loaded."
"It's on!" Rosa agrees heartily.
Announcer: So now we see if the poof can shoot.
Armin stands before the targets, musket on the ground and wad of shot and powder in his hand.
He receives the call from Geoff. "In 3 . . . 2. . . 1 . . . RELEASE THE HOUNDS!"
The boy's hands move so fast that it's almost defying physics. Lickety split, he tears off the paper from the cartridge and pours the powder down the barrel. Then like magic, he grabs the musket ball from inside and stuffs it down the barrel. A quick ramrodding later and he picks up his black powder weapon.
Cocking the hammer, he takes aim and fires. BLAM!!!
Smoke and detritus from the dirty black powder are spat forth. The thick white smoke hasn't even cleared when Armin grabs a second cartridge and repeats the first process; hands never wavering and never once stumbling or fumbling.
BLAM!!!
A gory wound is torn into the throat of the second dummy and the smoke cloud around Armin grows. A third shot is fired and the boy is almost completely surrounded by the smoke like a smog over Beijing.
Then like lighting striking, the last musket ball is shot and it hits the final dummy straight in the left eye.
"Time!" shouts Geoff.
By this time, Mikasa runs over to Armin and hands him a small flask. "Here, you've earned this."
Panting and choking from the now clearing smoke, Armin takes a sip. "What is this stuff?"
Mikasa doesn't blink as she explains what's in the flask, "It's that recalled baby formula that freaked out all those new mothers. It really puts hair on your chest; literally."
Armin takes a look at the flask before looking at Mikasa. "Uhhh . . . Mikasa I don't think you should keep drinking this."
commercial break
[Tune into Spike for an R-rated never before seen season Finale of The Legend of Korra!]
Avatar Korra stands over a battlefield full of corpses from the Northern Watertribe while Unalaq gives a voiceover
"We needed a sacrifice to free Vaatu, but one sacrifice wasn't enough, nor ten nor a hundre but ten thousand victims"
The camera zooms in on Unalaq, who is sitting on a throne in the middle of a tundra full of corpses. "And you, Korra, have been the executioner."
Avatar Korra stands in the moonlight before Unalaq, while she is surrounded by thousands of dead water benders. "I trusted you!" she shouts, "You roofied me and raped me; now I'm going to tear your balls off and rub them in your children's faces.
Unalaq laughs before his eyes glow red, "So shut up and dance!!!"
THE LEGEND OF KORRA: RISE OF THE SPIRITS
COMING SOON
Announcer: And we're back, with Rosa testing Ethan Thomas's go to long range weapon, the crossbow!
Also makes Julienne fries
Rosa poses before four dummies, "This is the Oro Crossbow, a unique weapon specifically designed by the Oro Invictus. It's a highly powerful crossbow able to piece metal armour with great accuracy." The crossbow in question looks more industrial then medieval. It's a heavy duty killing machine meant to be the main weapon of a cult's evil army.
Rosa holds out the crossbow. "It's a hand spanned crossbow with a range of seventy five meters. Unlike the musket, this weapon is as accurate as a rifle. I'm prepared to demonstrate that."
Without waiting for the stop watch, Rosa fires the first crossbow bolt and hits the far left dummy right in the crotch.
"Whoa!" Geoff cries out. "Not cool, Rosa."
Ignoring the host of the show, Rosa puts her foot int he stirrup of the crossbow and cocks it; firing a second bolt into the crotch of a dummy.
Everyone gasps in horror, except for Mikasa, who just stares impassively as Rosa shoots every single one of the dummies in the crotch.
With the shooting done, Armand goes in to do his bit. "Well, the first shot you fired sliced off the guy's penis and severed the major penile artery. He'll bleed out in about one minute." He yanks the arrow out of the dummy's now severed junk. He goes up to the next one, "Well this one you didn't cut his dick off, but you put an arrow through his lower intestine, ruptured his bladder and cut the external iliac artery; if he doesn't die in the next thirty seconds he'll die from massive infection as fecal matter is mixed into his blood and pumped all over his body.
The Doctor takes a crossbow bolt from the third dummy. "Congratulations, you only cut half of this guy's dick off, cutting the dorsal penile artery. He'll bleed out in three minutes or less." he signs as he goes up to the last dummy, "You ruptured his bladder, burst his lower intestine and partly cut through his spinal cord; so he'll die from infection and be unable to use his legs."
"The world is a cruel place," says Mikasa as she looks at the wounded crotches of the dummies, "Luckily I have sweet, sweet booze." Before pulling a bottle of rum out of her coat and taking a big, deep pull from the bottle.
Rosa smirk a bit as this. "You haven't even seen the best part. We fired ordinary crossbow bolts from the bow; in actuality, the weapon uses specialized sonic bolts that can kill an armoured cult member in a single hit."
Larue holds up a remote control, "The last bolt was sonic, so watch the fun." With a hit of the red button, the last crossbow bolt flashes and a ball of sound distorts around the target.
Announcer: Our hosts now put together the pieces of the puzzle.
Armand talks about Armin's kills. "Okay, the first one he shot hit the aorta; instant death. His second shot was a throat shot; also instant death. The final eye shot was a no brainer and his third shot was a chin shot; instant death."
"When it came to the Oro Crossbow bolt, its effects were lethal beyond description," Armand supplies, "The sonic burst killed the target instantly, blood vessels in the brain were ruptured, spleen and appendix ruptured and kidneys bleeding massively. Just dead."
"So what are we going with?" asks Max.
The answer comes out
EDGE: Ethan Thomas
Max explains the hosts choice, "When it came down to it, Armin had some of the most accurate musket shooting we've seen on the show. But that Oro Crossbow is a quantum leap in bow technology; it's no wonder that the foot soldiers of the Oro Invictus are so feared."
Announcer: Now we find ourselves in the medium range arena
Mikasa stands before a pig carcass hanging from a tree branch. Moving like an old west gunslinger, she grabs a pair of flintlock pistols from her belt and fires. The dead pig shakes as two musket balls hit it perfectly in the eyes. Grabbing a second set of flintlocks, Mikasa shoots the pig in the crotch with perfect accuracy; more accurate than any flintlock weapon we've seen on the show yet.
The half asian girl then looks at the camera, "Our muskets are more accurate than those in your timeline because we use a larger musket ball. It makes it harder to reload but our weapons have greater kiling power and accuracy for it. And we compensate the harder reload time with inhuman training."
Not to be outdone, Larue pops up with a loaded riot gun. He fires a shotgun blast and blows the pig's head off. He grins and laughs at Mikasa, "And that . . . is a gun!"
In response, Mikasa scowls and takes another drink of mutagenic baby formula.
EDGE: ETHAN THOMAS
The hosts and experts are clashing once more. "There's one thing that Eren has that Ethan doesn't," Armin points a finger at Larue, "And that's a functioning liver!"
Larue thinks nothing of Armin, "Shut up, Arayan coconut. Ethan is going to win because he's got guns and a badass set of sonic powers."
"Your man may have sonic powers and the ability to drink alcohol like its grape juice, but Eren has the power of the Titans in the palm of his hand," Mikasa injects.
Cut to a scene outside, in the middle of a barren, rocky desert.
Max is standing before a pair of titans that are bound up; derpy, deformed giants who eat humans with a zombie like hunger. The pair of bound beasts groan and snap their small, square teeth at the juicy human in front of them.
Max gestures to the two captive monsters, "Today, to test Ethan's sonic powers against the flesh and bones of titans." He points to the taller titan, "We've named the fifteen meter titan "Badger" and we called the smaller seven meter titan "Skinny pete."
At this point, the taller Titan breaks character and talks, "Okay, so they kicked me out of Wall Maria because I was "allegedly" selling meth. Which I totally was not." The titan seems even stupider now that it's talking.
Meanwhile, Larue and Rosa are standing by a ballistics gel dummy with hardened plastic bones and metal implants sticking out of its body. "Ethan's parents belonged to the Oro Invictus; a secret cult who used sonic suggestions and sonic powers to control Metro City. Ethan was a prophecied child who could use the Oro's sonic powers without any of their metal implants. He has the unique vocal cords, abornally dense bones and hollow sternum of Oro members but so much more developed."
She taps the dummy, "This mockup should be able to simulate Ethan's sonic shriek; which I firmly believe will be able to do damage to Eren even if he manages to shift into his titan form."
She points to a metal "I" beam, "however to test the system we're going to try and tear apart that thousand pound piece of steel."
Everyone stands back, when suddenly the metal studs built into the dummy vibrate and then it rips forth. A horrid, high pitched banshee shriek that warps the air around it. Then suddenly the steel beam snaps in two, like an invisible giant bit it in half.
Announcer: Ethan's sonic powers seem lethal we must test them against an actual titan. To help with security, we have Spartan 117 AKA the Master Chief with a high powered sniper rifle
The Master Chief is shown on top of a mesa in the distance. "Titans can be killed by severing the nape of the neck and cutting through the spinal cord." the Spartan explains as he loads his sniper rifle, "You can cut the back of the neck with a blade or a sufficiently powerful gun that can blast through the neck and come out the other side also works.
Back at the testing site, the Titans start to shake at their bonds as Max dumps a bucket of human blood all over the sonic test dummy.
Geoff takes the stop watch, "In 3 . . . 2 . . . 1. . . RELEASE THE KRAKEN!!!"
Suddenly, the chains on the seven meter titan snap off and the beast charges. The monster moves with remarkable speed, as quick as the fastest race horses. However Skinny Pete the Titan does not know that he's hit a laser trip wire. Instantly, the dummy vibrates; for a second the air thickens around it and a shriek fills the air.
Only twenty feet away from the dummy, the titan's leg bones violently explode. Shards of crystalline titan bone jab out of the titan's legs all the way up to the mid thigh. The beast falls and starts to roll.
Recovering, the mangled legs start to heal like wolverine when the Master Chief shoots it in the back of the neck.
At this, the larger titan "Badger" is released. This one moves, every bit as fast as the smaller titan. As it runs, a sonic pulse is released. Its front leg shatters up to the knee and the titans stumbles but does not fall.
With a vacant smile, the titan grabs the dummy and brings it to its mouth. That's where things get interesting.
The Dummy releases another sonic pulse, twenty feet from the titan's head, level with its collar bone. Crystalline bones jump and puncture the flesh, but the real interesting thing is when part of the Titan's vertebrae poke up through the skin in a bloody spray.
The Titan's eyes widen and it lets out a sound that shakes the very foundations of our planet; a cry of pain. The titan is in pain and its body has encountered a wound it cannot regenerate from. The creature drops the dummy and begins to jump around, causing Max's collection of laptops to jump off the table and almost fall. Larue and Rossa nearly lose their balance. Armin is awed. Mikasa watches coldly.
Suddenly the Titan changes tactics and begins to scratch at its neck. The bones of the spine have begun to heal, but the pain does not lesses; for something more important inside the titans neck is damaged. Changing again, the creature begins to flap its arms like wings.
When thirty seconds have passed, Master Chief puts the monster out of its misery, where its corpse smoulders and dissolves into vapour.
Back at the fight club, the guys discuss the results on Cray Titan's main screen.
Max pulls up footage of the dummy getting picked up by the Titan, "As you can see here, the Titan's grip broke ribs, but the mock Ethan is alive and well. Totally able to unleash his sonic power."
He rewinds and shows footage of the Titan attacking, "Now Eren is going to come at Ethan fast so Ethan won't have much time to react. Not to mention that Eren has slightly more control than do regular titans, not to mention that he's fought before with a missing arm and leg and brought down the female titan."
"There's another matter," states Armand, "If Ethan can get close enough to the nape of Eren's Titan form, he can kill Eren with a sonic scream."
Cray Titan speaks up, "All of this and more will be inputed for the final simulation. Also factored in will be Eren's deep, sexual love for Armin."
Armin pops out of nowhere, "Not you too!" he shouts at the computer.
EDGE: EREN YEAGER
Geoff explains this choice, "Eren has limited control over his titan form, but he can fight very well in it. And while Ethan's power only has a twenty foot or so radius, Eren can throw buildings at Ethan and end of story. But we still considered that sonic powers means that getting in close for Eren is suicide."
Announcer: While the weapons have been tested, tactical aid and miscellaneous factors must be dealt with.
The gang stand before Cray Titan, which projects twin holograms of Ethan and Eren. Each hologram has little diagrams of both Men's equipment.
Ethan Thomas:
-flak Jacket: lightweight SCU issue body armour
-Rubber soled boots; very effective for stealth and sneaking
-Brass knocks: Greatly enhance effectiveness of left hand strikes
Eren Yeager:
-Three Dimensional Maneuvering gear: Allows rapid movement in three dimensions where applicable hard surfaces can be found
-Handgrips
-Piston-shot grappling hooks
-Gas powered mechanism
-Iron Wire Propeller with Plug in Blades
Stats start to display on the holograms and Max goes first. "Among other things, Eren's 3D gear can allow him to make a top speed of eighty five kilometres an hour in optimal environments. Basically the stuff allows him to swing from wires and grapples like a mix of spiderman and Batman."
Geoff then points to the taser gun, "This one I really think is the best part of Ethan's gear. It's got fire cartridges and a range of thirty feet. Taking a hit from this in the right spot can stop your heart, but most of the time it'll just make you freeze like you're hit by lightning."
At this point, Larue taps the hologram and lectures the men, "Ethan has one move where he throws a bottle of high proof liquor at someone and tasers their asses. This makes the fuckers light on fire."
"A potent move," insist Mikasa, "However from what I gather, Ethan prefers to drink his alcohol; as he's totally dependant on the stuff.
"That's right," asserts Rosa, "Ethan is a hardened alcoholic and as such he's still struggling to overcome nutritional deficiency and peptic ulcers."
"But," Larue cuts in, "He's still fought gangs and cults and speed freaks while on the Sauce."
Armin merely shakes his head, "Then this should count in Eren's favour. He's only got his anger to cripple him, Ethan has a whole bunch of health problems while Eren has perfect health thanks to his Titan regeneration."
Announcer: So tell me something Armin, how much do you know about Eren's perfect health? Did you play doctor with him?
The Boy's hands ball into fists as he shouts, "Shut up!"
EDGE: EREN YEAGER
Cray Titan speaks, "In light of the 3D gear's ability to get out of range of Ethan's long range weapons as well as Ethan's chronic alcoholism, tactical gear and miscellaneous factors favour Eren by a 4.5 percent margin."
Now everyone gathers around the computer panel where the simulation is about to be run,
Max is very excited, "Okay everyone, we've gotten this far and now we're about to run our first simulation in way too long."
He hits the button . . . only for Cray Titan's main screen to show a thirty second countdown. "Ah what? Most advanced computer on the planet and I get the same load time as a fucking PS3!"
"It's okay," says Armin, "I'm sure it'll all be fine.
When all of the sudden, Alucard comes crashing through the nearest wall, wearing only his jacket and and a lacy thong.
Skip to 1:14
"Vampire!" shouts Rosa, as she and Larue pull out handguns.
"Count Dracula?" cries out Armin as he hides behind Mikasa.
"Wrong," says the Asian girl; the camera zooms in on her eyes like a cowboy, "It's Cock Blockula."
As they deal with Alucard and his "ways", the simulation starts.
SIMULATION:
Location: Saturn's Moon, Titan
"Central Command, this is Avalon 1, over, priority broadcast . . .
Well, no matter I suppose. There's probably no one left alive to hear this message.
Darkness has come, even the forces of evil cower in fear of it; their hatred turned into raw, naked terror. the Earth is dead, our great enemy is winning fights faster than he can start them.
The Dark tower is taken by him, and the Avatar's spirit world is now as vile and corrupt as the warp.
We haven't been able to get even a delay of our foe. The Multiverse has stopped, there are no more new universes being made with each and every decision. Infinity has become finite and with that comes the death of all.
We are losing. Do not stop fighting, do not stop resisting. There is no hope, only survival. We have nothing left to lose
This is Doctor Who . . . pray that you find me before it's too late
Eren Yeager, fifteen winters old stands atop Wall Maria. Only this mighty construct of stone and wood keeps order from chaos, human from Titan. It is the last defence after wall Sina, and it is the springboard with which humans shall retake their former lands from the Titans and beyond.
Eren grins to himself, he initiates a lengthy and rather awkward internal monologue about how humans are going to retake their territory and wipe out every titan in existence. But this corny as hell monologue is interrupted by the infamous potato girl, Sasha Braus.
"Guys," the girl warns, while hiding something in her jacket, "I don't want any of you to freak out; but I stole some crystal meth from some drug dealers. What do you say after work we head to my place and smoke our brains out?" The girl grins and vibrates like a cellphone at the thought of doing drugs and munching on pork rinds.
Connie springer is more than happy with this. "Hot damn! yeah I'm all for some of that shit! Is it the blue stuff?"
Sasha grins again and pulls out a one kilo bag of what looks like blue broken glass, "Oh I got the sky blue; Heisenberg's finest."
At the sight of the blue crystal, Eren jumps into action, "Get rid of that shit!" he swats it out of Sasha's hands and it falls over the edge of the wall, into Titan territory.
Sasha cries out in horror, "What the fuck Eren? That was almost a hundred grand of meth that I stole!"
Eren turns into his usual psycho self and starts to bark like a crazy man. "We're the only thing standing between mankind and the Titans! We can't just go to work fucking high or drunk or stoned; that's what the garrison does."
The mad boy continues to rave, "Besides, I heard from . . . a friend, that blue meth turns people into Titans!"
Now Mikasa and the rest of the group are seriously starting to question Eren's sanity. "What the fuck are you talking about?" questions Connie.
Eren grits his teeth and realizes that crazy people on the phone in a dingy basement don't tend to be reliable sources if they don't leave a contact number. "Look, it doesn't matter because meth, blue white or pink is bad shit. We're all about to launch mankind's great counteroffensive! Today, we take Wall Maria, tomorrow we take the world!"
Before anybody can give Eren shit for being the least charismatic shoenen protagonist ever, a bolt of lightning strikes the ground outside the wall and like a bad dream the colossal titan is back.
All thoughts of meth go out of the gang's heads and everything goes deathly silent.
For exactly three seconds, everyone and everything that isn't the colossal titan shits itself with fear.
The colossal titan itself glares at the gang with those same tiny eyes; the only thing different about the monster was that this time it wore a colossal sized pork pie hat.
The wind blows and a frightened Sasha reaches for her sword slowly with a trembling hand.
"I AM THE ONE WHO KNOCKS!" Bellows the skinless monster in a giant hat.
Eren can't hold back his surprise as he screams, "What the fu--
Before he knew it, he is flying off the top of the wall and towards the town. Eren sails through the air with limbs akimbo. Thinking fast, he fires out a grappling hook from his 3D gear and hits the dome atop a church of the wall.
Swinging around to lose some of his momentum, Eren's lips fly back in the wind and his eyeballs feel like their being pushed into his skull. It's do or die as several more rapid swings and evasions from the 3D gear allow Eren to burn off most of his momentum; but by this time he can see the titans coming through the breach in the wall created by the colossal titan.
The mere sight of the advancing giants is enough to drive the already volatile boy into a murderous rage. Grabbing his twin swords, Eren fires off a jet of compressed gas and decides to take on the oncoming horde of titans by himself; the others can catch up.
Spit flying and eyes bulging Eren looks like the Mad Hatter's murderous nephew. "Titans! Titans! Titans-titans-titans-titans!!!!" He starts to shout over and over and over again. When all of the sudden . . .
BLAM!!!!
A shotgun blast hits Eren in the leg and throws him off. Screaming in pain, the boy drops like a stone and slams into a rooftop, skidding over broken roof tiles like a bum thrown out of a moving car. Breaking a leg and bleeding profusely from his upper left thigh, Eren's momentum throws him off a rooftop where he lands on top of some garbage cans.
The cans are a mixed blessing as they're partly full of soft used asbestos and partly full of boards with nails in them. Wincing in pain, Eren tries to pick himself up and ignore the three rusty nails sticking through his right wrist.
It's then that a large, smelly and violent man grabs Eren by the collar; shotgun in hand.
"You! Why did you kill Malcolm Van Horne?" demands special agent Ethan Thomas, ready to crush skulls and drink Jaegermeister--and he's all out of Jaegermeister.
Eren spits blood onto Ethan's shirt, "Fuck you!" he tells the larger adult.
Bad move, using his not inconsiderable strength, Ethan grabs Eren by the collar and throws him face first through the window of a shop. Ethan has hardly any time to wait before Eren jumps right back through the same window with both swords at the ready.
"Die!!!!" Eren screams at Ethan as he lunges at the drunkard, using a burst of gas from his gear to evade a shotgun blast from Ethan.
The former FBI agent from Metro City gasps in shock as the swords of Eren come right at his neck. Sparks fly into Ethan's tired face as Eren swings with the fury of a PCP user, the swords blocked by the barrel of Ethan's shotgun. The boy is all rage and no finesse; he's extremely fast and has no empathy.
Luckily, Ethan has no empathy either and he's far more intelligent than the boy. With a kick of his foot, Ethan kicks dust into Eren's eyes. In blind rage, Eren managed to knock the shotgun out of Ethan's hands but the ex-cop is far from powerless.
Swinging blind, Eren screams out in agony as Ethan takes his right sword arm and bends his elbow backwards with one single motion. Using every ounce of his willpower, Eren thrusts at Ethan with his left sword . . . it's exactly what Ethan is expecting.
Eren feels a mighty Ethan deflect his sword strike by striking at his wrist . . . the mad cop of metro city gets up close and personal to the much smaller boy.
Special combo mode
First Ethan throws a knee strike into Eren's gut: the boy spits out blood and phlegm
Then Ethan punches Eren as hard as he can in the temple: Eren drops the sword and his head flies back
Ethan punches Eren three more times in the temple and then slams his elbow as hard as he can into Eren's mouth: Eren goes flying back
4.5 knockout combo!
With hands like Iron, the young soldier is grabbed by the old cop and dragged to the broken window. Beaten but spitting like a cornered animal, Eren's eyes bulge as Ethan holds his neck over a line of broken glass.
"We know you killed Van Horne; we have prints, witnesses and security camera footage," Ethan growls, "The reason I'm not ending you right now is because I know you've got ties to the Oro Invictus."
Eren's mouth goes dry all of the sudden, "The Oro . . ."
Flashback
Grisha Yeager stands shoulder to shoulder with Zoe Hanji . . .and Randall Flagg!
Dressed in the uniform of the military police, Flagg grins as the three of them watch a four year old Eren Yeager tear the head off of a small bird. The boy is locked in a cage, oblivious to the adults who watch him.
"You've turned my son into a monster!" laments Grisha.
Hanji just chuckles, "No, we turned him into a monster; one who could very well help us tip the balance in the scales of this endless war."
"We would use Mikasa," Flagg chuckles, "But she won't obey us. Your son lacks her skill but he will follow orders, and end the tournament of the Deadliest Warrior."
"Is there no other way?" pleads a broken Grisha.
Hanji laughs a hearty, borderline pedophiliac laugh, "Ha-hah! Universes dying, species ending amidst battles of two individuals! This child cannot defeat the dark voice, but he can stop the tide long enough for a counterattack!"
Waking up from his flashback, Eren arches his back and throws himself out of Ethan's grasp. His undamaged arm reaches for his flintlock pistol and he swings out with the butt of it.
Ethan jumps back at the slippery boy who just assaulted him. At the same time, he notices that Eren's wounds are steaming somehow and regenerating. Ethan only just manages to jump out of the way as a flintlock ball booms and whizzes past his head. The flintlock misses Ethan but shoots a woman who was running with her child.
The woman falls, dead as her child starts to scream and beg for mommy to get up.
Eren however is so consumed with rage that he hardly notices the collateral. Growling with fury and agony, he snaps his dislocated elbow back into place. Drawing a second pistol from his jacket pocket, he shoots Ethan right in the chest, knocking the cop back but not killing him; thanks to Ethan's flak jacket. Without further ceremony he grabs the two swords from his belt, replaces the blades form his 3D gear and charges.
Ethan however wasn't exactly idle, he grabs a two-by-four with nails in it and swings at Eren. The board has the top five inches of it cut off but it manages to knock Eren's blade off course.
Anther swipe of his sword cuts off another part of the two by four, and again and again. Seeing that his board can only hold out for so long, Ethan rolls backwards and drops the remainder of the board, picking up a handy toilet seat.
Swinging it as hard as he can, Ethan tosses a toilet seat at Eren. It narrowly misses crushing Eren's throat, but manages to hit the boy in the mouth, smashing out all of his upper teeth. The foe of Ethan falls to the ground with a deep, resonating thud.
Only that wasn't Eren that caused the thud. Ethan turns around and sees the first wave of advancing titans, devouring the citizens of the Wall and running amok. A smaller titan, a four meter class one is running straight towards Ethan.
Moving like a sprinter, Ethan lightning runs towards his shotgun and unleashes a blast to the knee of the Titan. The monster falls, and Ethan goes in for the kill. A weaker man would have felt fear at the Titan's mindless, sunburn-victim smile and too white teeth. A weaker man would have felt fear at the familiar yet alien mindlessness of the Titan's eyes.
Ethan has seen much worse in his time. Humans are far more monstrous than the Titans; they're not worse than humans, just harder to kill. A boot to the monster's eye causes it to shriek out in pain as the left eye explodes in a shower of steaming jelly. Ethan puts the creature down with a shotgun blast to the back of the neck.
Another Titan is homing in on his position, this one is a bigger fourteen meter class; one who won't so easily be brought down by a simple gun. So Ethan decides to use his rarest and most dangerous ability. He normally tries to keep this ability hidden but now is not the time as the grinning giant charges at him with an unchanging smile.
Ethan charges up something inside of him, the arm of the Titan is reaching for him when it hits.
Spiting up blood and teeth, Eren's level of rage starts to reach Asura's Wrath levels. This drunken, smelly asshole has taken out a Titan by himself while Eren has killed none. The jealousy seems petty on an intellectual level but more than ever Eren wants to murder the homeless pisstank
Once more taking up his swords, Eren can only watch in shock at the air around the stranger thickens and then a shriek blasts nearly every piece of glass in a thirty foot radius. Further confusing and startling Eren is the fact that a sonic shockwave travels at the titan and shatters its arm bones up to the elbow.
Predictably the titan shows no pain, but Ethan Thomas is not done with this motherfucker yet. Clenching his fists and focusing the power within, Ethan launches a sonic blast at the Titan's right leg. The monster falls backwards, right onto a church. The gigantic spire of the bell tower impales the titan and holds it in place like a gigantic fishing lure. The monster struggles as its arm begins to regenerate.
Eren makes to charge at Ethan but instead of getting ready to attack, Ethan calls out, "Behind you!"
Deciding not to fall for that tired old trick, Eren charges at Ethan, only to be rapidly scooped up and devoured in a single bite by a bearded Titan.
"Shit!" Ethan curses as an arm and a leg fall out of the Titan's mouth. Turning around and scanning his environment, he can see the one armed titan freeing itself from the church steeple, the bearded Titan turning its eyes on him and a third titan that looks like Freddy Mercury is after him.
Meanwhile, high in the air
A squad of Locust Horde reapers flies through the sky, carrying savage locusts who've become ruthless mercenaries for hire. Leading them is seemingly a member of the military police; the name Nom Anor written on his uniform. His eyes a milky, cataract shade of blue.
Nom Anor watches from the back of his reaver with hunger on his features and issues a command to his troops over the radio, "Listen well; we find Eren Yeager and bring him back alive. Do what you want to the other humans!"
With that, the Locusts on the reavers all cry "Attack!" and their flying mounts bank low, flying just out of reach of the Titans and raining down machine-gun fire on fleeing humans. Several members of the garrison try to fire a cannon from the wall at the reavers but the locust gunners blow them to bits with a grenade shot.
In a true display of gore, a human head splatters against the camera and leaves a stain there.
Splattered with the blood of the defenders, Nom Anor licks it with a forked tongue.
Back on the streets, Ethan is running for his life from the Titans, In one hand he carries his shotgun with his last shell remaining and in the other he carries a flaming prosthetic arm. As a titan's hand reaches for him, he rolls a hard left and runs into a building. The three titans chasing him dumbly roar as their tree sized limbs punch through the front of the small shop.
Ethan is showered in bits of broken plaster and brick; dust clouds his eyes and burns them but he never stops running, going up the stairs and dodging giant fingers.
From outside, the Titans frantically dig inside the building like hungry animals digging a burrow. But soon they're about to find out that they're not the hunters, they're the food.
"Hey, assholes!"
The three Titans raise their heads and see Ethan Thomas, standing on top of the building and looking mighty pissed. Before the dull beasts can react, Ethan throws a flaming mannequin arm right into the eye of the bearded Titan; the creature shrieks in pain and tries to pull it out.
The Freddy Titan reaches out for Ethan but the eagle eyed ex-cop hits the monster in the eye with a brick. Optic fluid spatters as the sharp corner of the baked clay punctures the eye.
The now two armed Titan almost has ethan when it a taser shot to the eye. The monster shrieks in pain as the electricity travels to the nape of its neck. Ethan squeezes the trigger of the taser like it's his last day on earth, optic fluid vaporizes and tissue burns. With all three Titans incapacitated, Ethan unleashes his sonic powers.
A blast of sound hits the two armed titan and shatter the vertebrae in its neck. Shrieking in pain, the monster's one eye bulges out and the volume of its cry is enough to shatter glass. Blood gushes out from the shattered bone of its spine and it collapses like its plug has been pulled.
The Freddy Titan starts to recover from the brick to the eye when it gets hit by a crossbow bolt. Sonic waves spread out from the bolt of the Oro crossbow and damage both the adjacent eye and the rest of the skull. A good sonic blast cripples it but does not kill it; the monster starts to run blindly off, clawing at the back of its neck, destroying buildings and knocking over fellow Titans.
Then something happens that Ethan does not expect.
A bolt of lightning strikes the bearded Titan and from out of its mouth shoots a Titan sized arm.
"What the fuck?" He can't believe his eyes, even when a full grown Titan explodes out of the body of the bearded titan like a chest burster.
Pain, hate, anger,
Must!
Kill!
TITANS!!!!!!!!
You're going to die, clown!!!!!
The rampaging Titan gives out a roar that puts Ethan's sonic scream to shame and for the first time since entering this city, Ethan is Afraid.
Nom Anor laughs with glee as the feeble humans try to run from his soldiers. The weak soldiers of the garrison run as the locusts chop them down with chainsaw bayonets; their discipline gone and their officers murdered. All of this and more greatly pleasures the human who isn't a human.
Dot Pixis himself lies dead by Nom Anor's feet; the mad infiltrator cackles from atop the military headquarters. "Keep killing, keep hunting! And soon we will find out target!"
Then he and his men hear the roar of the colossal Titan; the living embodiment of all humankind's anger, all of its rage . . . and all of its darkness.
Narrowing his scarred and tattooed brows, Anor issues an order to his "men." "That was by the old viagra factory! Guns ready, we move!"
With the Scouting Corps
Armin, in character, cries in fear at the goings on. "Mikasa! What's happening? What's going on?"
Ever the steely one, Mikasa comforts Armin, "Titans are invading, and Eren is missing."
Sobbing a bit, Armin stays back the tears that threaten to burst forth, "I think I heard that Eren was by the old Viagra factory."
Reigning leader of the scouting corps, Zoe Hanji hears this and gives a command, "Alright you assholes! To the Viagra factory!"
Ethan Thomas goes flying through the air and lands in one of the offices of the Viagra factory on the fifth floor. His ultra dense bones save him from injury, but soft tissue damage is adding up. Spitting up blood, he sees the demonic form of Eren's titan shifter and scowls.
RAAAAWWWWRRRRRRR!!!!!!! Howls the rampaging Titan, with such force that it shakes the pillars of Hercules.
"Ah, fuck you!' Ethan snarls and wipes his mouth. God, he could use a drink about now.
Using a piece of rebar from the rubble, Ethan spears it into the titan flesh of Eren and latches on like a fly.
The mighty arm pulls out and Ethan struggles to hold on; it's like the world's deadliest roller coaster. The arm stops and Ethan just sees a second hand come out to swat him. Flipping around, he gets up onto Eren's wrist and runs along the mostly horizontal arm and evades certain being-squashedness.
Eren roars and shakes his arm, only for Ethan to dig in with a pair of Oro crossbow bolts and drag himself up closer to Eren's head. He tries to swat at the pest, only for a sonic blast to blow his other arm off at the elbow. The titanic limb flies out several hundred feet and kills a few of Nom Anor's locusts.
The creatures have landed on top of the viagra factory and start to draw sniper rifles and machine-guns on the man and the monster.
Nom Anor grins and out of habit, breaks his own nose for joy. "Shoot for the knees, we'll cut him out of the titan body he's in! Shoot the human!"
One locust takes aim for Ethan with his longshot sniper rifle, only to take a musket ball to the head; courtesy of Mikasa. The Scouting legion open fire on the locusts, killing several but not nearly enough. Mikasa looks at the Locusts with utter hatred, beside her, Armin cries out. "Ethan is the Titan! Don't kill him."
She believes him, because Armin is smart--but honestly she can't figure out how Armin knows this.
As the Locusts and scouting legion clash, Ethan and Eren continue their little dance. Blinded by fury, the rampaging Titan tries to Gore Ethan with the stump of its arm, losing a second arm below the elbow to a sonic blast hardly daunts the monster that Eren has become.
While it spins around like a rabid dog, the rampaging titan trips on a canal and falls over, throwing Ethan off of it.
There is a mighty boom as the rampaging titan fell, but would it stay down as so many other titans had?
Feeling buildings stabbing into his flesh, Eren thrashed to get himself up. Then, for a millisecond, his Titan form locked eyes with Ethan.
The cop and the soldier looked at one another with identical expressions of hate. One man turned into a derelict on the edge of society, the other made a monster by the machinations of his father and his own burning hate. Both had their lives ruined not long ago and became killers early on. Only one shall walk away.
Ethan unleashes a sonic scream at Eren. Inside the Titan, Eren screams in agony as shards of Titan bone stab into his body. A kidney is punctured and so is a lung, so he cannot scream.
Ethan prepares to fire a killing blow at the rampaging Titan . . .
And through the pain, through the fog of memories, all Eren can feel is rage. . .
. . . and the rage is good,
At the very split second that Ethan is about to unleash the sonic scream, the titan lunges forward and bites Ethan in half!
Everything stops, in one corny moment, as the world freezes to watch Ethan Thomas die.
And then things only get worse.
Over by Wall Rose, a giant, seventeen foot flaming penis penetrates the stone walls. An explosion of atomic seed erupts and the wall is blown to bits . . . and a new Titan emerges.
This one is different from both ordinary Titans and shifters. It's missing a good amount of skin on its body, but it looks like the skin rotted off. The towering, festering monster wears a Pharoh's headdress and its jagged, broken teeth look more terrifying than any titan smile.
It scans around and sees the battle by the viagra factory. Taking its cock into its hands, it thrusts its hips forward and shoots atomic fire out of its penis.
Sahsa Braus can only look in shock before a spray of atomic spooge hits her. She screams in agony as the glancing blow instantly burns all the skin off her body and she plunges to her death in mid leap of 3D gear.
Connie Springer tries to flee with the rest of the recon corps but he's turned into an incinerated skeleton in a heartbeat.
The cock Titan grabs its wang and ejaculates fire all over the surrounding area; burning buildings and titans alike. Smoke rises into the air and the landscape turns into a vision of hell more brutal than airbrush art on a heavy metal album.
The locusts and the Recon squad leave before they can all be burned to death by fiery penis. Nom Anor however is left behind by his men. "Come back!!! You cowards!!!" He curses!"
Down below, Eren Yeager climbs shakily to his feet and glares at the cock Titan with rage greater than that of Khorne. Roaring, he charges, armless at the monstrous beast.
The Cock titan intern fires a blast at Eren but misses and hits the Viagra factory. Underneath Nom Anor's feet, he can feel the flames and the shaking of the structure. The building is about to collapse!!!!
Nom Anor trips and falls, scraping open his face on the now burning hot rooftop. White ooze and black blood spill freely as his human disguise falls off; underneath it is a scarred, horrifying alien with blue eye sacs. Then a creak of the building makes the alien feel true fear. "No!" he cries, "Not into the pit! It burns!" Before plunging into the inferno below.
EREN YEAGER WINS!!!!!
Stats:
Ethan Thomas: 440
the Quad: 5
Shotgun: 45
Oro Crossbow: 180
Sonic Scream: 210
Eren Yeager: 560
Swords: 7
Flintlock pistol: 3
Flintlock musket:5
Titan Form: 545
The scene shows the three hosts, all injured in some way. Geoff stands with a neck brace, "In human to human form, Ethan won hands down, but his titan form made all the difference."
"Not to mention that frequently Eren's Titan has fought with missing limbs and on fire!" states Armand, who's got a broken arm.
Max has a broken nose and points to his super computer, "Kray Titan, will you please explain?"
The supercomputer speaks up, "Factoring against Ethan was Eren's regenerative abilities, which allowed to him to if not tank, at least survive Ethan's devastating hits. While the Oro crossbow and shotgun were one-kill wonders, the Titan form was so much more devastating than an ordinary titan. To say nothing of the fact that Eren could control and summon titans to a limited degree. Which was not included in the simulation due to time and budget restraints.
Announcer: And so after all that, Armin is still a flamer.
At this, Armin snaps. "Oh that is enough!!!" He draws a sword for from his belt and runs off camera. After a few minutes sounds can be heard from the announcer's booth.
Announcer: What the hell are you doing?
Suddenly the sound of a beating can be heard
Biff! Bam! Pow!
Announcer: ow! someone help me! Somone-ack!
Armin: Is this thing on? I almost killed your announcer but I've got this to say!
experts from both sides and the three hosts stand at attention.
Armin: My name is Armin Arlert, I am gay and I'm in love with my friend Eren Yeager. I love you Eren! I'll always love you!
Geoff looks to his two hosts and smiles. Slowly, Geoff starts to clap.
Then Max joins him, then Armand, then Mikasa and soon Rosa and Larue all clap for Armin coming out of the closet.
Meanwhile
Eren Yeager and Ethan Thomas are on TV in Sochi, Russia. Eren is wearing a sailor senshi outfit while Ethan is wearing a bright pink T-shirt.
Ethan talks to the camera, "And so Eren and I are standing in solidarity with all gay and lesbian and transexual people in Russia."
Acting as the angriest cross dresser in the world, Eren seethes as he speaks, "All people deserve love and life; and anyone who denies it is no better than the human traffickers I killed." He then gets up close into the Camera, "You hear that, Putin? I'm going to kill you, you son of a bitch! I'm going to pull your heart out!"
Annoyed by his companion's passion, Ethan puts a hand on Eren, "Cool your jets kid, don't threaten Putin on TV. We'll hunt him down when the Olympics are over."
