Deadliest Warrior: Batman vs. the Punisher
Disclaimer: I do not own Bruce Wayne or Frank Castle. They are owned by DC and Marvel comics respectively. This is purely for fun and I make no money off of it. Prepare to see the fight of a lifetime.
These nuts have fought before, but not like this ;)
Announcer: The Punisher
The camera shows a severe man with dark hair, soulless eyes and a stylized skull on the front of his shirt.
The next shot shows that same man gunning down criminals with an assault rifle.
Announcer: Since the death of his family at the hands of the Mafia, Frank Castle took it upon himself to punish crime . . .
Frank Castle is shown killing a man by drilling his skull with a drill gun.
. . . brutally!
The camera shifts to show the Joker laughing maniacally as his thugs empty their machine guns into a wooden door. From out of the rafters, a shadowy bat like figure swoops and takes out the Joker in one stroke.
Announcer: Batman! One of the most famous superheroes in existence!
Batman battles the Joker’s minions, taking them out with martial arts skill and liberal use of gas grenades.
After his parents were killed before his eyes, young Bruce Wayne dedicated himself body and soul to defend the innocent and to serve justice any way he could.
A montage is shown of a young Bruce Wayne starting out as a broken child and growing into a dangerous superhero.
The camera changes once more and it shows The Punisher and Batman staring each other down.
Announcer: Two crime fighters who rely on nothing but their wits, their skills and their equipment to get the job done.
The screen shows an image of Batman and Punisher fighting it out hand to hand in a dark sewer. Castle gets lands a strike on Batman across the face. Batman’s head flies back and the floor from the strike hits the camera.
Each man pursues a radically different approach to battling the criminal element.
Batman fights the inmates of Arkham Asylum. As he’s swarmed by hundreds of deadly, psychotic inmates, Batman fires a grappling hook into the ceiling and swings up; only to jump back down after a moment to continue the battle.
Batman chooses the high road, never killing even the most heinous of his enemies.
The screen changes to show Frank Castle. Frank comes out a warehouse, drenched in blood and coated in gore. As Frank pauses to light a smoke, the warehouse door slowly creeks open and a gentle wave of blood starts to leak out.
Frank exhales the smoke without bothering to wipe the blood from his face; life is good.
The Punisher on the other hand prefers to pursue a more final solution to lawlessness.
Announcer: Utilizing twenty-first century science and technology, our experts will endeavour to solve the mystery as to which of these crime fighting heavyweights is the deadliest.
The camera shows a nerdy man with an afro and a nice Jacket.
Computer expert Max Geiger will handle the processing of data from the tests.
“There’s no way that Batman is walking away from this one. Unlike his other enemies, the Punisher isn’t some super powered lug on an ego trip. He’ll just shoot Batman, despite all his fancy karate and stuff.”
Max then forms his hand into a gun shape and goes, “Bang.”
The camera shifts once more to show a tanned man with dark hair and surgical gloves.
Announcer: In all matters medical, former ER physician and fight doctor Armand Dorian is the be all-end all.
Armand turns towards the camera and takes off his surgeon’s gloves. “This is a fight between two guys who are as close to the peak of human physical and mental performance as you can possibly get. Both of them have gone against superhuman opponents and walked away with not just their lives but a victory.”
Announcer: Biomedical expert Geoff Desmoulins brings his “A” game to test which weapons are more lethal in the field of combat.
“Batman’s tools are highly effective and he knows how to use them,” says Geoff. “But right now it’s too early to tell whether it’ll be enough to overcome the Punisher’s weapons.”
Announcer: It will be a fight to the death where even the dark knight will be forced to take a life. It will be a fight between a crusader for justice—
Batman is shown rescuing hostages from a bank robbery gone wrong.
Vs. an executioner of the guilty
The Punisher deals with a loan shark by taking a meat cleaver and lopping off the man’s head. Castle ignores the pleas and begging of the scum before him.
Sharp precision
Batman is fighting the super villain Bane. As Bane charges, Batman throws a batarang at Bane which stabs the villain right in the eye. Bane roars as his left eye is lost.
Vs. indiscriminate butchery
Outside a Mafia stronghold, Frank Castle sets off a car bomb; killing several Mafiosi and also wounding a few hundred civilians. A good day’s haul.
Announcer: It’s a battle to the death with no rules, no mercy and no safety. It’s the fight to decide indisputably
WHO
IS
DEADLIEST?
Things at the fight club are in full tilt as our team of scientists, doctors and computer expert work around the clock to get this week’s episode up and running in time for eager audiences everywhere.
On a metal table, Armand pulls out a first aid kit and begins to disassemble it with the same love and care that a United Sates Marine would disassemble his rifle to clean it.
Elsewhere, Max is desperately trying to get iTunes to function as there’s an error with the program that’s causing his whole computer to freeze up. If he doesn’t get somewhere soon with the stubborn program, he’ll just pull the damn battery and reboot the damn thing.
Announcer: In today’s match, two of the toughest all human superheroes go head to head. It will be a match of nothing but brain, skills and high tech tools.
Armand appears before the camera. “I’m going to have to give this match to The Punisher on this one. I’ve seen firsthand the effectiveness of the American Special forces training and during his time as a vigilante Frank has had a lot of time to practice his anti-superhero tactics.”
Geoff then shows up before the camera. “I’ve got to give this one to Batman. While he doesn’t carry a gun, his gear is more high tech than the Punisher.”
Geoff picks up an assault rifle from the weapons rack next to him and leans it on his shoulder. “Plus, Batman’s fought enemies with guns before. The Joker, Two-Face, Deadshot and at various times the Gotham Police force; it’s not really anything that Batman hasn’t seen before.”
Stats:
Batman-
Name-Bruce Wayne
Height-6’2’’
Weight-210 lbs.
Weapons-Batarang, Ultra Bat-Claw, Explosive gel, Remote Control Batarang
Costume-Bat suit (made of Kevlar, bullet resistant ceramic plating and carbon nanotubes)
Notable enemies-The Joker, Bane, Ra’s Al-Ghoul, Deadshot, too many to list
The Punisher-
Name-Frank Castle
Height-5’10’’
Weight-195 lbs.
Weapons-AR-15 Assault Rifle, M67 grenade, V-42 stiletto, garrotte
Costume-black painted t-shirt, combat boots, Dragon Scale body armour
Announcer: Representing the Dark Knight in this death match is Cassandra Cain, a woman who learned to fight before she even knew how to speak.
The camera shows a woman dressed in a bat suit except that there is no opening for the mouth; making her look a bit like something out of the Spawn comic series.
Announcer: Due to the fact that Cassandra doesn’t speak language fluently enough, we’ve provided her with subtitles as she speaks in sign language.
Cassandra finishes beating up a martial arts dummy, taking off its head with a well-placed kick. The woman then turns around and starts to talk in sign language. Despite her calm body language, her sign speech is rapid and her excitement shows.
“Batman has never killed before but I respect that he is more than capable of it. This man Castle will not stand a chance against Batman because he has no reason to live. Batman has a mission in life but he fights for others; he is self-sacrificing instead of selfish. The outcome is a foregone conclusion."
With that silently said, Cassandra crosses her arms in her full body bat suit and assumes a stance of supreme confidence.
Announcer: Showing up to represent The Punisher is drill sergeant, former soldier, current Avenger and superhero Captain America.
Captain America is the polar opposite of Cassandra Cain with his brightly coloured American flag themed costume. His famous shield hands from his right hand as he speaks for the camera and his adoring fans everywhere.
“Frankly, it’s not my place to judge Frank after all he’s been through; I’ve never had a wife and kids. However, I respect Frank’s skill and I respect what he can do. Despite Batman’s skills and dedication, I don’t think he had what it takes to take down The Punisher.”
Announcer: Also showing up to represent the Punisher is none other than Peter Parker, aka your Friendly Neighbourhood Spiderman
In his brightly coloured red and blue outfit, Spiderman is easily one of the most approachable and least scary superheroes out there. Compared to the Captain, Spiderman is more laid back and easy going.
“I know Frank; he tried to shoot me. Frank has tried to shoot a lot of people; it’s faster just to say who he hasn’t tried to shoot. I still have nightmares after what he did to that lady who yelled ‘boo’ when his back was turned.”
The wall crawler continues with is jokey speech. “Yeah, Frank is going to win for obvious reasons but when I’m done I want to have a word with the makers of this show.”
Spiderman then shoots a pointed glance at Max, Geoff and Armand. “You guys should be using riveted chain mail instead of that other stuff, not to mention that you used historically inaccurate weapons with the Sun Tzu match.”
At this, Max and the guys just pretend to ignore Spiderman as he calls them out for being lazy on the show.
Announcer: Well you can’t blame the inaccuracies on me; I do my job well enough. And now the final guest expert, Hush is a villain whose strategic ability almost surpasses that of the Dark Knight himself.
The camera shows a man dressed in a trench coat whose face is covered entirely by white bandages. Despite his rough manner of dress, Hush’s voice is smooth and low. “Batman set the bar for heroes everywhere,” he says this with a trace of repressed hatred for Batman. “Compared to him, the Punisher is merely a monkey with a gun. Believe me; I’ve fought them both. The Punisher was only a minor bump in the road.”
“Big words, man; can you back it up?” say Spiderman to Hush.
To this Hush replies, “Yes I can . . . Parker. How is Mary Jane doing?”
Spiderman pauses for a second, flabbergasted. At last, he points a finger at Hush and says. “I’m going to pretend that you didn’t threaten my girlfriend. When commercial break rolls around I’m so kicking your ass.”
Announcer: Moving right into the explosive weapons section we begin with Batman’s patented explosive tool for any situation.
Hush stands before the camera with some kind of injector gun in his hand. In his other hand is a tube of some sort which obviously holds the ammo for the device.
“When Batman needs to do demolition work, he turns to this device,” he turns the device around for the benefit of the cameras. “Despite his self-styled status as a saviour, Batman hurts people and this gel is a good tool to do it.”
Spiderman immediately sees a flaw to this. “So? Batman doesn’t kill; how can he beat the Punisher this way?”
To this, Hush replies, “There’s no such thing as a non-lethal weapon; just less than lethal. Even a rubber bullet can kill and Batman is skilled enough to make these weapons count; now if he only had the will.”
Geoff nods and talk to the experts. “Well, since this is bomb testing we are doing I’d rather not do this inside.”
“That’s right,” says Max. “As things stand we’ve had enough accidental explosions and demolitions in this lab to last a lifetime.”
Announcer: And onto the weapons testing area, in a place so secret that only Geoff knows where it is.
The four guest experts as well as Max and Armand step out of a black SUV. Everyone except Geoff is wearing a blindfold; Hush has just done up his bandages to cover his eyes.
Geoff breathes in the dry desert air and sighs with anticipation. “Okay guys, you can take your blindfolds off.”
Max looks around at the desolate desert environment. “Where are we?” he asks.
“Right here,” says Geoff with a smile.
“I memorized the ride here,” Hush boasts in his cold, killer’s voice.
He is immediately cut down by Captain America. “No you can’t. If I can’t remember the ride home blindfolded then neither can you.”
Hush just mumbles to himself but Captain America tunes him out.
Announcer: To test the power of Batman’s explosive gel, three dummies have been set up with pressure shockwave patches to determine the power of the concussive force.
In the middle of the desert, three dummies stand mounted on simple metal racks. One dummy sits on top of a concrete slab and onto that slab; Hush uses the applicator gun to put down a mass of foam in the shape of a Batman symbol.
Announcer: To be truly lethal, Hush is using twice the volume of foam that the Dark Knight normally uses.
As he finishes up, Hush surveys his handiwork with a critical eye. Once he sees that it meets his requirements, he walks back towards the testing table and gets ready for it.
With nothing else to do and all safety precautions taken care of, Geoff takes the stopwatch and reads the countdown from behind the bullet proof glass.
“3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . HOLY SHIT BATMAN!”
skip to about 1:20 for the boom
Right on schedule, Hush presses the button and the results don’t disappoint. The gel goes off with lethal force. The air is torn apart and the explosion can be felt in the very bones.
The dummies are leaking blood and the guys laugh at the results. It’s looking very good for the exploding gel. The hosts and the experts walk up to determine the results.
The giant slab of concrete has been torn apart. There is a small crater in the middle of it and the whole thing is shattered like a giant tile. Geoff looks at the concrete slab. “That’s wild.”
“Not as wild as this,” says Armand. He points to the wounds on the dummies. Only the first two are bleeding, the third one is not. “These two are injured by shrapnel created by the explosion.”
“Hey,” says Spiderman, “that’s no fair. I say we do this test on plain grass.”
At this, Cassandra starts to do sign language again. “Batman works primarily in urban environments; the same goes for the punisher. What we are doing here is not unacceptable.”
Spidey just looks confused at the rapid movements of Cassandra’s hands. “Somebody better tell me what she just said because I don’t speak sign language. I took French in first year university and that’s it.”
Max points at the dummies. “How did the shock patches fare?”
Armand looks at the first dummy. “The first guy is dead from shock.” He has a look at the second dummy some distance away. “This guy is also dead even if the shrapnel didn’t hit him.”
Armand examines the third dummy with some surprising news. “This guy isn’t dead, but he’s still in a bad way.”
Announcer: High speed camera footage combined with pressure sensors gives vital clues to the state of the final casualty.
The screen shows the explosive gel blowing up in slow motion.
Armand stands before the camera in the desert. “The third dummy is heavily injured. He’s looking at ruptured eardrums, bleeding from the nose and eyes and brain haemorrhaging which if not taken care of will kill him in about twelve hours.”
Captain America stands before the testing table. “Well, you fellows have got a double kill and one questionable.”
A smile graces the Captain’s lips as he holds up a grenade. “Let’s see if we can beat your score.”
The test has been reset, this time with a pig carcass and two dummies. For added authenticity, the pig has a crudely painted Batman symbol on the side of it.
Captain America meanwhile is setting up a metal frame from which is hanging a grenade. The guardian of America does this task with the care and concern of a master craftsman hard at work on his art.
Meanwhile, Spiderman is chewing off Max and Geoff’s ears about various inaccuracies on the show.
“I’m not saying that your guys show sucks,” says Spidey. “I’m just saying that a little more historical accuracy wouldn’t be amiss; like calling the halberd in the Pirate vs. Knight episode a halberd. Technically the thing should have been called a poleaxe.”
They politely ignore the heroic wall crawler.
At last, Captain American has finished setting up the detonation rig and things are all set to go.
Everyone piles behind the bulletproof glass and Armand rushes to put on the last of the shock patches which will measure the kill power of the shockwave.
Geoff stands ready with his trusty stopwatch. “In 3 . . . 2 . . . 1. . . KILL THE BAT!”
Captain America hits the detonator in his hand and the wire connected to the grenade lights up. A fraction of a second later, the grenade goes off and bat-pig takes the brunt of the impact. The force of flying shrapnel strikes bat-pig like a speeding truck and knocks it this way and that.
When the smoke clears, a large cluster of holes are visible on the pig’s side and blood is leaking out of them. Looks like robin-pig didn’t show up in time to save his old chum.
As per usual, the guys laugh and point with glee.
Spiderman seems especially happy with the result. He also feels privileged that his team got to use the pig. “Yes! YES! Just—yes!”
Captain America smiles at it all. “I’d forgotten how much fun explosions were since Nick Fury revoked my demolitions license.”
“Don’t worry Steve,” says Max. “We won’t tell anybody that you’re handling bombs without a license.”
“Thanks,” says Steve, who is unaware that this is being recorded on camera.
At this time, Cassandra asks in sign language a question for the Captain. “Why did you get your license revoked?”
Since Captain America is fluent in sign language, he replies almost immediately. “In order to save the world I had the choice to either sacrifice dozens of innocent lives or sacrifice Nick Fury’s balls . . . I chose to cut loose Nick Fury’s balls.”
Everyone winces, Spiderman especially.
Captain America nods and finishes his sordid little tale. “Nick took it personally. Dollars to dimes, he doesn’t believe a plan can work unless it involves sacrificing innocent lives in Machiavellian schemes.”
Announcer: Back from my coffee break, you are all regaled with my sweet voice! And the experts decide which explosive device is the better.
The screen flashes to show high speed footage of the grenade blowing up and taking out the targets.
“Well, my initial edge goes to the grenade because unlike the explosive gel you don’t have to put it on a concrete surface to get shrapnel kill.” Max infers based on what he saw in the tests.
“Yeah,” Armand reminds his buddy, “but Frank Castle lives in the urban jungle; there’s concrete everywhere in New York City.”
“I’m for the explosive gel,” says Geoff. “Both are explosive but the gel can be set off by both a remote detonator and by simply stepping on it.”
“Frank Castle has to throw his grenade at Batman while Batman can set up any number of gel trap “land mines” to take down castle.”
It’s a close match but in the end, the Caped Crusader has got to take this round.
Edge: Batman
Announcer: Smarting from the first test but not beaten, Team Punisher fights back with an eight hundred bullet round per minute death machine.
Back at the firing range in the desert, Spiderman is shown holding a high tech looking machine gun with some similarity to the M-16 rifle.
“Say hello to my not so little friend,” says Peter Parker. “I give you the AR-15 ladies and germs; generously designed by the kind death merchants at Armalite.”
Watching with Jaded eyes, Hush says nothing about the weapon; commenting instead on the shooter. “Captain America should be using that gun.”
Cassandra pats him on the shoulder as a way to tell him to quiet down.
“This baby has got eight hundred rounds per minute on full auto and a muzzle velocity of 3,200 feet per second.”
Holding up a large, round shaped clip, Spiderman raises it for all to see. “Frank likes to use a thirty clip magazine. The gun itself fires the five point fifty-six NATO round, famous for its hydrostatic shock effect.”
“Spidey,” says Geoff, “Would you mind telling us what hydrostatic shock is?”
“Certainly, Geoffster,” says the friendly wall crawler. “When a smaller bullet hits a human being at higher velocity than a big bullet, it creates a shockwave in the natural fluids in the human body. Basically, you shoot a man in the gut with a bullet like this from this gun and he’ll die of brain aneurism.”
“What else can you tell us about this gun?” Max asks.
“Well, knowing Frankie he loves his aftermarket modifications.” Spiderman holds the gun out and points out the various features. “He’s installed a telescopic sight on the gun so that he can take guys out more effectively at long range and there’s a special holster in the handle built for some knife or another.”
“Not to mention that Frank also modifies the bullets in his gun to be hollow pointed; this only magnifies the hydrostatic shock and blows up internal organs like a balloon.”
Spidey lets the gun hang by his side before finishing. “Yeah, Frank doesn’t really care for legalities.”
Steve Rogers AKA Captain America then steps in. “Since we’re on television Spiderman and I decided to spice up the tests with your permission.”
“Spice it up how?” asks Hush suspiciously. He doesn’t like anything which could tilt the odds away from his favour.
Spiderman gleefully explains to the dour, bandage wrapped Batman villain. “Well, anybody can shoot a pig carcass or a ballistics gel dummy on a firing range. To make it more true to real life, we’re going to shoot a pig carcass or gel dummy from a moving car at a hundred miles an hour on a busy street during the lunch hour.”
Geoff seems a little nervous about this proposition. “Uh Spidey, no offense; but what’s your firearms training?”
Spiderman shrugs. “I play a lot of Call of Duty and Modern Warfare. No one plays COD like Gaston,” he chuckles.
Seeing and reading their uncertain expressions, Captain America steps in for his web slinging friend. “It’s alright; I’ve personally given him weapons training.”
At this, everyone calms down a little.
Announcer: In order to test this drive by shooting, Punisher style we’ve set up shop on a busy street in Queens, New York City.
Spiderman and Captain America are sitting inside an expensive looking Lincoln Town Car. Captain America has taken the wheel and Spiderman takes his time to load the machine gun that he’ll recklessly empty into a target in a few moments.
On the side of the car there is a rig designed to hold a camera so that the audience at home can see Spiderman and Steve Roger’s expressions as they let fly the chaos. An additional camera inside the car will allow viewers to see the target being shot from inside the vehicle.
A couple of blocks up, the guys have set up a ballistics gel dummy with crude makeup that makes it look like Heath Ledger’s Joker. Completing the dummy’s makeover is a cheap green wig.
For the finishing touch, Max writes “why so deadly?” on the chest of the dummy in red paint.
Back at the town car, Spiderman loads the gun and pulls the bolt back. Spiderman sits in the back seat and Armand is leaned in to give him wishes of good luck. “Where did you get this car?” the physician asks.
“Borrowed it from J. Jonah Jameson,” Spidey nonchalantly replies. He adds, “Without permission.”
Captain American has nothing to say.
\Spiderman hears a tap on the glass and turns to see Cassandra standing on the opposite side of the car. The black clad woman wishes Spidey well in sign language. “Even though we are enemies, I wish you the best.”
Spiderman looks directly at the camera. “Uh, can somebody tell me what that lady is saying?”
Meanwhile Hush is drinking Starbucks coffee with a miserable, suspicious expression on his face. “My coffee is too hot,” he whispers, then throws his scalding hot drink into some guy’s face as he’s walking by.
Hush is truly a jerk.
Announcer: At last the test is ready to go and that dummy doesn’t stand a chance!
This time Armand has got the stopwatch. “Guys, book it in 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . GO!”
Instantly, Captain America steps on it and smoke rises up as the tires squeal. After a split second, the car shoots forward and the test is under way and Spiderman is just praying that he won’t accidently gun down any bystanders.
Leaning out the window like a dog, Spiderman looks down the telescopic sight and takes careful aim at the ballistics dummy. He leaves nothing back and squeezes the trigger on full auto. A spray of bullets blasts from the gun and leaves behind a trail of brass for passing kids to collect.
At the exact same time, the ballistics dummy takes ten rounds to the head, blowing its cranium to bits and throwing the green wig hallway across the block.
The car passes the dummy but Spiderman empties the clip into the dummy’s chest, only putting a few stray bullets into the pavement, kicking up a few small puffs of powdered concrete.
The test is a success, and Captain America goes to apply the brakes . . . but the brakes aren’t working. That cheap bastard J. Jonah Jameson bought the most expensive car he could and then skimped out on car repairs. “Jump!” he calls to Spiderman.
The web slinger and the all American hero jump out of the vehicle just before it slams into an oncoming telephone pole. No doubt J.J. Jameson is going to be pissed when he sees his town car wrapped around a telephone pole five feet from some passer-by’s legs.
Announcer: Luckily on one was injured in this highly dangerous and reckless test, but with Spiderman and Captain American involved there was never really any great risk . . . or so we thought.
Back at the fight club, the Batman experts are going to be hard pressed to counteract that little display. None the less, Cassandra and Hush are confident about their tools of the trade.
Cassandra appears before cameras with some kind of high tech gun thingy and what looks like a boomerang with stylized bat wings on it. She holds up the weapons and then puts them down to explain in more of her silent speech.
“For long range battles, Batman uses the combination of the batarangs and ultra bat-claw to dispatch enemies who have a ranged attack.”
Spiderman looks at the dual weapons they’re got. “Two weapons for long range; that doesn’t seem fair to me.”
“Neither does having an assault rifle in a fight with a man who uses no guns,” says Hush. “But you’re right. This matchup is totally unfair to Frank Castle.”
Captain America warns Hush because he doesn’t approve of bashing his co-workers. “One more word from you, mister,” he waves his shield threateningly.
Announcer: to test both the batarang and the bat-claw, Cassandra will be put before six robotic dummies equipped with automatic machineguns.
True to the announcer’s word, six robotic dummies have been set up. Three dummies have shotguns and three have AK-74’s—the more lethal and modern cousin of the Kalashnikov 47.
Armand is unsure of this operation. “Are you sure about this?” He asks. “Those dummies are using live ammunition and I’m apprehensive about putting anybody in front of that kind of firepower.”
But Cassandra has a different view than Armand. “As members of the Bat-clan we are held to a higher standard than regular assassins and vigilantes. This will be child’s play.”
The moment is tense as Cassandra Cain stands before the three lethal dummies. The hosts are worried about more than a lawsuit; they fear a true death for the first time on the show.
Cassandra stands like the angel of death. She’s not afraid because she’s the thing that makes people afraid. Her hands are hidden under her cape, which wraps around her like a pair of wings. It looks like any moment from now she’ll jump up and fly.
Uneasily, Geoff gives the countdown. “3 . . . 2 . . . 1. . . GO BATGIRL!”
The six dummies fire into action and begin to raise their guns with robotic speed but they weren’t built for someone with Cassandra’s reflexes.
Cassandra’s cape flies open and spreads out like the wings of a demon; the ears on her cowl and lack of a mouth lend to the appearance of an apparition from hell.
In one hand is a small portable utility gun and in the other are three batarangs.
Almost instantly, Cassandra aims and fires the bat-claw with an ease greater than a knight with his sword or a sniper with his rifle.
While all this is happening, the batarang hand hasn’t been idle. Three of the flying custom boomerangs fly through the air, whizzing like the animal they’re named after.
The three batarangs sail through the air flawlessly and strike the guns out of the hands of the three dummies with shotguns.
To finish it all off, the three dummies with machineguns are about to raise their robotic arms and shoot but Cassandra yanks on the cords at the last possible second and the dummies fall. Impotently they fire their guns but lying flat on the ground their bullets only damage concrete.
Everyone is stunned speechless. Spiderman’s eyes widen and even Hush is taken aback by that level of skill and strength.
Captain America whistles with approval. “Nice moves,” he compliments.
At that compliment, Cassandra gives a little bow and presses a button to retract the bat-claw.
A few minutes later, Max is holding one of the batarangs. “Man, this thing is heavy. I mean, we secured the guns in those dummies pretty firmly. You’d have to be an Olympian to hold onto your gun with these things.”
Even Spiderman is wowed. He holds up the bat-claw, “I gotta get me one of these.” Cassandra suddenly snatches it from him because he didn’t ask permission.
At last, the three hosts take time to discuss who has the superior long ranged attack.
“Well, I’m definitely for the combo of the Ultra Bat-claw and the batarangs,” Max is adamant.
“I have to agree with Max,” says Armand. “Those robots were calibrated to raise their guns in a quarter of a second. Cassandra was able to fire the bat-claw in an eighth of a second and throw the batarangs in just under a quarter second.”
“Well I’m going to have to disagree with both you guys,” Geoff informs his two companions.
“Yes the bat-claw batarang combination was potent, but there’s just one problem; it didn’t kill anyone. And before you can anything about disarming Castle, I’d like to remind you guys that the gun has a much longer range.”
The three hosts start to argue with each other, each one becoming more and more vocal about their point of view and why theirs is the right one. After about half an hour of solid arguing and haggling and two cups of coffee, a verdict is reached.
Edge: The Punisher
Commercial break
Commercial announcer: Tonight at eight on Spike TV is a new episode of 1000 Ways to die! And just in time for Valentine’s Day.
The screen changes to show a black haired Amestrian Alchemist laugh over the corpses of his victims and put his hands on two metal poles, only to get fatally electrocuted.
Zolf Kimbly from FMA learned the hard way never put your hands on a live wire
Revolver Ocelot from the Metal Gear series duels with Solid Snake, only to have a wheel barrow land on his head from above.
Be amazed as the sky really is falling
Finally Integra from the Hellsing series is shown lighting a cigar with a lighter—inside of a warehouse full of gunpowder and TNT. Then she lights a stick of dynamite thinking it’s a candle.
And always heed the fucking “No smoking signs.”
The Spike TV logo becomes plastered across the screen before Integra can be blown to bits.
Commercial Announcer: On Spike’s 1000 ways to die, see your favourite and least favourite fictional characters bite the bullet, push up daisies and otherwise get the shit kicked out of them . . . only on Spike TV!
Return to regular program.
Announcer: Back on Deadliest Warrior—we’ve tested explosives and long range weapons but now it’s time to see how each warrior handles themselves in close quarter combat.
Hush stands there holding a batarang. He speaks more in that cold, deadly voice. As far as villains go, he’s made his mark on the Batman franchise. “Batman uses these to not only dispatch enemies from afar but they’re also useful for close quarters combat.”
Hush then motions for the camera to come hither. Sitting on a table are nearly forty batarangs of varying size and shape. “Batman uses a variety of batarangs; this one is only the most common variety.”
His little speech completed, Hush takes the batarang and folds in in half and places it in the pocket of his trench coat.
Announcer: To test the lethality of the batarang, Hush has been given a ballistics gel dummy to practice on.
For this test, Hush stands before a dummy that’s wearing the same style of skull T-shirt as the Punisher does. The symbolism is fitting but Hush shows no sign that he even notices. The batarang in his hand is fully open and he’s pointing one end of it at the heart of the dummy.
From across the room, Geoff has got the stopwatch ready. “Hush, are you ready?” he calls.
The bandage faced villain merely nods and narrows his eyes.
The signal is given. “In 3 . . . 2. . . 1 . . . STAB!”
Stab is what Hush does. Stab is what Hush does very well. He’s actually pretending that the dummy is his hated enemy Batman.
Instantly, Hush jams the wing of the batarang into the heart of the dummy with lightning speed; one second it’s there and the next it’s stuck in the guy’s aorta.
He doesn’t stop there; Hush takes that batarang and uses it like a woodpecker on a tree or a sewing machine on fabric.
Hush is like a machine as bits of gel and fake blood fly all over his bandages and his trench coat. Instead of slowing down, he goes faster as he starts to stab the dummy in the neck over and over again.
Screaming like a madman, the dummy’s head suddenly falls off from being neck stabbed so many times. To finish the whole thing off, Hush delivers martial arts kick that shatters the bones in the sternum and drives the batarang down the neck hole.
Armand goes over the body. “Well, he’s dead. You think you can do any better, Captain?”
Captain America just pulls a large, narrow looking knife and spins it between his fingers. “Oh, I think we can give batman a run for his money.”
Announcer: The V-42 stiletto knife—a lethal stabbing implement used by the soldiers of world war two!
The screen changes to show an image of Frank stabbing a guy through the top of the head with the stiletto . . . the guy goes down like a jellyfish.
Captain America stands before a pig carcass with the knife in hand. “These knives were first issued to First Special Service Force, otherwise known as the Devil’s Brigade—of which I was a member of.”
He holds up the blade at a different angle. “This is a narrow profile knife forged from high carbon steel. Good for stealth kills or for knife fighting, the narrow blade design maximises every thrust.”
Holding up the knife with reverence, the blade gleams in the light. “Capable of punching through a GI’s steel helmet with a single thrust, the knife is also good for opening cans and the double hollow ground edges give it enhanced cutting performance.”
As an afterthought he adds, “In addition to murdering people, Frank uses this knife to eat wieners and trim his toe nails.” He doesn’t say if Frank washes the knife after using it to trim his toe nails.
“A little germs never killed anyone,” says Geoff. Armand says nothing. They’re on a time schedule.
Announcer: To raise the stakes a little, the pig carcass has been put in Batman’s breast plate armour.
Lo and behold, the pig is wearing the same chest armour as Batman which is designed to give the appearance of killer abs.
Geoff and Max work to strap sensors onto Captain America. “Cap, I know that you’re superhuman; this stuff is to see that you’re not cheating.”
Captain America smiles, “Scout’s honour, Geoff.”
Hush shows up just in time after changing his bandages into clean new ones.
Max gives the countdown for Captain American to begin. “3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . GO!”
Captain America lunges forth with the knife . . . and it goes into the armour! Yanking it out with a little bit of difficulty, Steve Rogers delivers a second killing blow through the armour.
Then seeing how his time is almost up, Steve takes the heavy pommel of the knife and drives it down on the pig’s skull with a crack!
With all the data gathered, the three hosts work to organize the data and make sense of it.
“So what do we have?” says Geoff.
Max goes first. “Well, first of all the knife was faster than the batarang due to it being lighter. It wasn’t much faster but it was enough to count.”
“There’s also the issue that the batarang has no cutting edge,” Armand points out. “On a side note the batarang is coated in diluted snake venom which while non-lethal will cause paralysis in the limb it strikes.”
“Well, it killed,” Geoff summarizes, “but the knife did a better job of killing.”
The camera shows high speed footage of Steve Rogers stabbing the pig dummy.
“Batman’s armour is based off the same dragon scale design as the Punisher wears,” Max iterates. “While there was a plate protecting the heart, Captain America was able to get through the gaps in the armour when an armour piercing round fired from a .303 rifle would be stopped.”
“The knife hit several arteries which while not instantly fatal would instantly cripple and would kill in minutes.”
“The world is full of surprises,” says Geoff.
Edge: Punisher
Announcer: Onto the last leg of testing, tempers are short and we’re near the breaking point.
“This is very disturbing,” Cassandra sign communicates. “Bruce needs to be warned of this potentially fatal weakness in his armour.”
Spiderman appears before the camera. “I overheard Hush saying that he was going to try and kill Captain and me to win this match. Personally I’m not eating anything he hands me . . . or eating anything at all actually until I’m back in New York.”
Hush then appears with a gun and a bottle of poison. “Who leaked that to Spiderman? Who told him what I was planning? Speak or I’ll target your families.”
Captain America then appears talking to someone on the phone. “What the hell were you thinking, Tony?” he demands.
“Did you just forget that you screwed me over during the Marvel Civil War? A few bottles of wine and a gift basket with scented oil won’t make me forget that you sold out to the establishment. And don’t get me started on Reed Richards!”
Announcer: After everyone has taken a five minute cool down, we’re ready to go.
Spiderman takes first bat at this thing. “Say hello to my stringy friend,” the wall crawler laughs as he holds up Frank Castle’s garrotte wire.
“Ever seen the movie Marathon Man?” Spiderman asks. “Well me neither but I don’t want to know that I know what this thing can do.”
Spinning it around a few times, Spiderman demonstrates. “Frank uses this to strangle, but with a lot of force he can also cut off heads if he’s in the mood . . . which he nearly always is.”
“And as an added bonus, the handles are weighted so they can kill by crushing the skull.”
For Spiderman’s killing convenience, a ballistics gel dummy has been set up. Going with today’s theme of funny dummies, this one is wearing a big novelty sombrero.
Jumping right at it, Spiderman rushes behind the dummy and strangles it. “I am the terror that flaps in the night!”
Pulling harder on the cables, Spiderman starts to cut into the synthetic flesh. “I am the noun, that verbs your noun!” he shouts.
Right before the head falls off, Spiderman unravels the garrotte and swings it around like a mace. He brings it down, putting a huge dent in the sombrero and the dummy skull. “I am Spiderman!”
“Dammit Peter!” Geoff yells in frustration. “We weren’t even ready to begin. Now we’ve got to start all over again!”
Peter Parker is totally taken aback by this. “Oh, shit, sorry.”
Batwoman seizes the moment to test. “Since we are in a hurry we can still test the remote control batarang using Wayne Tech equipment.”
Taking the long, thin batarang form her belt, Cassandra takes it and hurls it backwards.
“You threw it the wrong way,” says Max, forgetting that it’s a remote controlled batarang.
The silent and deadly batarang flies up behind Max and cracks him on the head. Max groans and falls like a house of toothpicks. Using the remote control in her glove, Cassandra steers the batarang so that it smokes Hush in the head, knocking the dastardly villain to the ground.
Arcing around, the remote control batarang seems to be self-propelled. Armand manages to doge but Geoff isn’t so lucky, it smokes him right on the chin and he falls to the floor mumbling the lyrics to the latest pop song he listened to.
The batarang veers upwards rapidly and starts destroying the fluorescent lights in the lab. Spiderman blinks and ducks as the batarang whizzes overhead, followed by little explosions and falling shattered glass.
The remote control batarang of doom then arcs around another time and smashes one of the cameras. The screen splits into hundreds of jagged images as the lens is broken but not shattered.
As the final nail in the coffin, the batarang puts on a burst of speed and then buries itself in the eye of the dummy that Peter Parker nearly decapitated.
Scared shitless, Armand hardly dares to look up. Over in the corner, Batwoman puts a hand on her hip to signal that she totally took this test. There’s no way that a damn wire is beating that, not when the batarang went four inches into the brain of the dummy.
Armand just looks at the dummy and says, “That sucker’s dead.”
It is then that Captain America gets off the phone with that snake, Tony Stark—damn his goatee. Captain America is staggered by the devastation around him. “What happened?” he asks.
“I think the Rhino showed up,” says Spidey.
Edge: Batman
Announcer: Testing is done and it’s time to make these two badasses fight to the death!
Armand sits with Max and Geoff, who are nursing icepacks. “You do this, Armand,” moans Max. “I’m slightly concussed and I need someone to take me to the hospital.”
Excited because he’s never pressed the button before, Armand happily hits the enter key and the simulation starts.
Simulation:
The situation has gone out of control; it has been for some time. The Avengers were designed to put the super powered beings and vigilantes under control; instead they seemed to fan the flames which had been growing since the end of the Second World War.
Things are rapidly progressing beyond SHIELD’s ability to control them and Nick Fury is trying to recruit, kill or capture as many superheroes as you can. The influence of the costumed vigilantes grows and SHIELD is struggling to keep up with the times.
Batman was one of those heroes who wouldn’t play ball. Fiercely independent and head strong, Bruce Wayne won’t let himself become a pawn of a scheming, one eyed cigar smoking government spook.
Basically he told Nick Fury to go fuck his hat.
And Nick doesn’t even have the luxury of blackmailing Batman because after Ra’s Al Ghoul determined Batman’s secret identity, Bruce Wayne took the extra steps to keep his identity secret. Even SHIELD has no idea who he is. Thanks to a little help from the X-men that is.
The weather is dark, stormy and downright shitty. It’s the kind of weather that Frank “The Punisher” Castle loves the most. It matches his internal emotions perfectly; the polluted rain coming down makes him feel better about the world, in a twisted way.
The Punisher has been sent along with a squad of Nick Fury’s best to take out or capture the Batman. Frank doesn’t expect these clowns to last five seconds.
Batman stands on a lone gargoyle like a dark sentinel. The rain washes down his black uniform and like a hawk, his eyes are evil vigilant.
From afar, one shield operative watches Batman on a high tech spy scope. “Target in sight, Tiger-1,” the man announces over the squad radio.
The men move into action with their machine guns but Frank Castle hangs in behind.
On the gargoyle, Batman glances in the direction of the watcher. For a split second, the SHIELD soldier pauses to wipe the rain from his scope, only for Batman to vanish from his sights.
Startled, the soldier doesn’t get a chance to raise the alarm before he takes an armoured bat-fist to the head.
Frank Castle has to laugh internally at the SHIELD, despite all their training their creativity has been blunted by the mental conditioning all SHIELD operatives go through to ensure their loyalty.
They don’t even see it when Batman flies out of the night sky using his cape as a glider. Frank is the first and he opens fire on Batman using his illegal armour piercing bullets. However the Batman’s body armour does the job and from his utility belt, Batman pulls out the Ultra Bat-claw.
Like tentacles, three lines shoot out and grab guns from two of the operatives and from Frank himself. The Punisher curses as Batman lands in the middle of the group of operatives and begins to lay them flat. A thrown smoke bomb obscures everyone’s vision but Batman sees perfectly clearly on behalf of the special sensor vision built into the lenses of his cowl.
For Batman, the world appears in shades of blue and he can actually see the internal skeletons of the SHIELD squad. A smoke screen and even concrete walls are no problem for this special vision mode. Armed figures light up especially, like the Punisher shaped figure who’s in the process of unloading a grenade.
Off to the side he sees a squad of armed men coming up the fire escape. No matter, he already took care of that.
The SHIELD operatives run up the fire escape with guns loaded with armour piercing ammo. They don’t even see the bat shaped patch of explosive gel on the fire escape. The gel blows up and knocks the men off the fire escape.
The fall isn’t high enough to kill any of them but they’ll be nursing broken bones for a while.
With the second SHIELD squad done for, the masked vigilante of Gotham can now turn his attention to other matters.
Thinking like a tactician, Batman tosses a batarang at Castle but he underestimates the Punisher’s reflexes. Catching the batarang in midair, Castle wordlessly mocks the batman before he throws the grenade.
The acrobatic Dark Knight leaps to safety but the SHIELD operatives aren’t so lucky. They scream briefly as the bomb goes off, scattering blood and organs everywhere.
Furious that The Punisher would kill his allies so easily, Batman tosses a trio of batarangs at the Punisher.
Every the proficient marksman, Frank has taken back his AR-15 and blasts the three batarangs out of the air like shooting ducks.
Scanning through the sights of his gun, Frank searches for the Dark Knight but he can see no sign of the goddamn Batman.
Batman is smarter than to just sit there like a bull’s eye; that’s Superman’s game plan.
Suddenly, the wooden boarding behind Frank explodes and he is tackled by two hundred plus pounds of caped crusader. In a heartbeat, Frank finds his gun torn from his hands but not before he can land a good hit on Batman’s handsome jaw.
Batman however is not without tricks of his own. In rapid order he knees Frank in the gut, slams his elbow down on his back and a kick to the face.
Winded and stunned but not down, Frank reaches under his coat and grabs the spare assault rifle he’s been keeping with him. The bullets fire but a batarang hits Frank in the wrist and he drops his spare weapon.
Throwing another grenade, Batman fires a grapple line and zooms out of the way of the explosive blast. Down in the street, what few bystanders are out on a night like this stop to look at the fiery explosions taking place on top of one old warehouse.
Shielding himself from the blast with his cape, Batman scans around, deactivating his special sensor vision in the cowl. The brightness of the blast temporarily overloaded the sensors and he’ll have to go on manual for this fight.
He switches the vision off just in time to see Frank Castle’s ugly face coming at him, all scars and broken nose. His knife is raised high and he wants blood.
That’s the great thing about The Punisher, no matter what you throw at him he always keeps coming back. Batman can almost respect that.
The dark knight dodges the first slash from Castle’s knife but a stab hits him just in the elbow join of his armoured suit.
Batman fought back a cry of pain as the razor sharp stiletto went through the weak point of the armour weave. Batman is so furious at this design flaw in the suit that he’s almost tempted to let Castle finish him off.
Batman grits his teeth as the Punisher twisted the knife and simultaneously threw an elbow in Batman’s face.
In retaliation, Batman grabbed Castle’s knife arm and twisted it around.
Counteracting, Frank twisted once more until he had Batman’s back to him. He aimed to drive the point of the knife into Batman’s eye—a point he knew for sure was unarmoured.
Suddenly Frank’s arm felt like he’d hit a brick wall. Batman had used his forearm to block the strike.
Using his mighty legs to propel himself backwards, Batman and Castle slammed into a brick chimney top. It was satisfying to hear the wind leave Castle’s lungs.
Acting fast, for even winded the Punisher is lethal—Batman spun around and delivered what was supposed to be a pressure point hit to Frank’s neck but the strike was blocked by the body armour The Punisher wore under the shirt.
Slashing again with the knife, Batman caught Castle’s wrist and used leverage to spin him onto his back. As he fell, the knife landed point down and sunk into the tarmac of the roof.
Something wasn’t right. Frank put a hand to his chest and felt shock and rage like nothing he’d felt in years. Using the razor sharp barbs on his gauntlets, Batman had sliced away the gun belts which Castle was using to carry his half dozen pistols, ammo and other random portable guns.
All he had now was ammo for the AR-15 and grenades, plus a spare knife and the fun garrotte.
Batman held the Punisher’s gun belts in his hand. “Leave, now,” came the iron voiced command of the vigilante of the shadows. “Go back to New York, Castle, while you still can.”
Castle looks at Batman with a look of pure fury, but then suddenly he takes a running leap, grabs his machine gun and jumps off the room in a style that looks like it’s been directly taken from Batman.
This move immediately fills Batman with dread because Frank Castle doesn’t retreat or run away—he’s just running to get a better gun.
Immediately, the Dark Knight gives chase because he just knows that Frank has got a plan in mind; the man is a former Special Forces soldier after all and he’s not stupid.
Jumping off the ledge of the building, Batman plunges as he is caught by the pull of gravity. Suddenly, his billowing cape snaps rigid and forms a giant pair of gliding winds.
Swooping downward like a falcon, Batman dive-bombs and then turns sharply upward. Underneath him, Gotham is a sooty, glowing ember filled with crime and inequity.
Hidden amongst that shitheap of inequity, Frank Castle has the bat in his telescopic sights and a bead on the dark knight’s head.
It’s almost anti-climactic, but when the gun goes bang Batman drops like a stone. Frank Castle wants to smile but he doesn’t permit himself one. He’s aware of the Batman’s reputation and he’ll stop and smell the roses when he’d had the chance to examine Batman’s corpse for himself and feed it feet first into a wood chipper.
Even though Gotham isn’t his town, nobody is stupid or ignorant enough to so much as give him a sideways glance.
Castle finds Batman on his back atop a pile of trash and refuse in an alleyway. There’s a pool of blood next to Batman’s head and he’s not stirring.
Frank marvels at his luck as he sees that around the bat there are several exploding barrels just laying in close enough proximity to kill someone. This is really too easy.
Not willing to go easy on his foe, The Punisher pulls three grenades from his belt and pitches them towards Batman without their pins.
Frank steps back enough so that he can view safely the death of the Batman. Really, he doesn’t know what was so hard for the Joker and all those other freaks.
However nothing goes to plan, for right before the grenades go off, Frank sees an arm extend up from the trash heap and fire a grappling hook into the sky.
“NO!” Frank roars and fires his gun at Batman. Even as the Dark Knight rips into the sky and the grenades and exploding barrels go off—the Punisher doesn’t miss. The Punisher doesn’t fucking miss.
BOOM!
The explosion sends shrapnel flying everywhere but Frank stands his ground.
With his ears ringing Frank unloads a full auto stream of fire at Batman, who hangs from a rooftop. Bullets strike Batman and through the smoke and fire and blood drips down Batman’s cape.
Then suddenly from under his arm, a trio of batarangs fly directly at Castle just as Batman pulls himself up and out of sight.
Castle shoots two of the batarangs out of the air but the third hits its target. The camera shifts to show Frank from the front. On the reflection of his gun scope, the image of the batarang grows larger and larger until.
Smash!
The batarang breaks the scope off of Frank’s gun and does more. The wingtip of the custom, high tech boomerang catches Frank in the eye and rips out his left eyeball.
Frank roars in agony as the batarang flies to the end of the alley and embeds itself in a brick wall with the Punisher’s eye still dangling from one wingtip.
As Frank screams, a thunderclap tears apart the sky and the rain picks up in intensity and coldness as if to wipe the waterfall of blood that flows down Frank’s face from the gory wound.
The Punisher grits his teeth and noises of pain turn to noises of rage. Frank Castle feels pain, the Punisher does not.
Up on the rooftop, Batman is gasping for air and fighting just to stay conscious. His armour is torn and holed, both from Castle’s bullets and from the explosion below. From the cracks in the armour blood drips. Worst of all, the cowl vision is permanently disabled. Batman’s field of view flickers back and forth into static.
Seeing that the equipment is damaged, Batman reaches up and smashes the lenses in his cowl, exposing his dark blue eyes. Without the white lenses, Batman looks far more human and far less frightening.
Tentatively, Batman puts a hand to the side of his head. The cowl is armoured but his head is still vulnerable to gunshots more than the rest of him. The Kevlar and armour weave of his cowl is totally torn and he can feel sharp bone fragments.
Batman winces as he feels a particularly troublesome wound in his side. He’s been wounded before but this is one of those wounds. Bruce Wayne needs medical attention . . . fast.
Batman presses a button on his belt. In two minutes the batmobile will be here to pick him up and send him home to his combat medicine capable butler . . . if he lives that long.
Suddenly, somebody else climbs up the side of the building. He didn’t use any fancy grappling hooks or anything like that—The Punisher just climbed up the side of the building with his bare hands in the now pouring rain.
Just as Frank finished climbing onto the roof of the rundown crack house, he sees the last bit of a cape vanish behind a chimney.
Bullets fly hot on the Batman’s trail.
“Batman!” The Punisher screams, “Come out and fight me or else I’ll go back down and start killing hostages.”
Behind cover, Batman doesn’t believe that Castle will really kill innocent people just to get to him. He tries very hard to believe this but he also has learned not to underestimate human depravity.
Struggling to quiet his breathing, Batman focuses until he can feel his heartbeat start to slow down. This helps him to focus and reduces the bloodless that is going on.
Reaching for the remote control batarang, Batman unfolds the device and prepares to throw it at Frank.
Without bothering to aim, Batman throws the batarang out. Unfortunately, he doesn’t hear the figure approaching behind him.
One the shifting of a boot alerts batman to the dark, gruesome figure looming over him with only a single eye.
The Punisher jumps down on Batman from above like a predator lunging on prey. In his hands is his trusty garrotte. Time for some throat cutting fun.
Batman truly deserved to die. He’d never so badly underestimated an enemy since his first time fighting crime in Gotham. He made the mistake of lumping Castle in with the rest of the Arkham nuts. Because as dangerous as his rogues gallery is, they’re all insane in some way; the Punisher on the other hand is very sane.
Batman is knocked forward and just barely manages to put up an armoured hand to intercept the high tensile cable that Frank is trying to use to choke the life out of him.
Normally the bat suit it built to prevent Batman from being strangled by a garrotte but now due to the strain of battle the neck armour is compromised and Batman may not just be strangled but beheaded if he doesn’t get Castle off of him.
Furious but focused, The Punisher won’t let Batman go—he couldn’t even if he wanted to. Hatred and torture are all that he knows now; all that was good died with his family and it’s lucky that he didn’t turn into a worse monster than he already is.
Grabbing the handles in one calloused, scarred hand The Punisher takes his stiletto and drives it as deep as he can into one of the gaps in Batman’s broken armour.
For once, The Punisher has the pleasure of hearing the Batman scream, something that not even the Joker has been able to do.
Emboldened by the sound of another’s pain and following the rules of the hunt, The Punisher twist the knife in the wound.
Another bellow of agony erupts from Batman. Castle hasn’t hit a lung but he’s sure that by now he fucking needs medical attention.
It looks like the Punisher has won this fight. He is far less wounded than the Batman and he doesn’t have the same silly rules governing his behaviour. He’s a savage through and through.
Except that things are derailed for Frank when he gets smashed up the side of the head by a remote controlled Batarang controlled by a micro remote in Batman’s glove.
Falling apart, Batman drags himself away as Frank tries to clear his head. The batarang was poorly aimed and it didn’t knock him out like it should have. Due to his Spartan training and lifetime of fighting experience, the AR-15 is in Frank’s hands before he can even think about it.
Shakily, Batman and the Punisher pick themselves up. For the barest of seconds, they look each other in the eye and they each know: it’s time to end this.
Frank raises his gun. By all means, he will win. He’s got the gun and Batman has a knife in his guts. But Batman won’t give up for the same reason that the Punisher won’t give up.
Before he can pull the trigger, Batman closes the small gap between them, takes Frank Castle’s head in his hands and breaks the Punisher’s neck like a twig.
There’s a snap like a joint cracking but much louder. In virtually no time, the gun falls from his hands and Frank Castle turns into jelly.
Breathing heavily, Batman is severely injured. His vision is slowly going black around the edges and his bleeding has gotten worse. Through the holes in his cowl, he looks down on Frank Castle.
Frank’s neck is bent at an unnatural angle but a ragged, wet intake of breath indicates that he’s not dead or in danger of dying.
With his one remaining eye, Frank looks up at the Batman who in the now disappearing rain looks more than a man. He is Gotham personified; and the city will tolerate no posers or intruders.
Gingerly, Frank attempts to see if he can feel anything. He has a little movement in his hand and foot but other than that it’s like his body doesn’t exist.
“You couldn’t do it, could you?” he accuses the Batman. His voice is rasping but far more level and rational than before.
No, Batman doesn’t have the decency, the pity to put Castle out of his misery.
“It’s over, Castle,” the steel in his voice is still there, even though the fatigue and wounds. Batman will bend but he will never break. And he won’t be broken by a second rate wash up like Frank Castle.
“You could have killed me,” Frank gurgles, still prone on the ground. With his neck broken he looks eerily like some kind of psychotic puppet. Batman half expects him to jump up and attack with twice as much fury.
Truly there was no reason a martial artist of Batman’s calibre couldn’t kill somebody; but the answer is simple. “I’ll never be like you,” Batman hisses.
If imitation is the sincerest form of flattery then making yourself the opposite of what someone is must be the sincerest form of “fuck you.”
“I’ll never be like you,” Batman bites out, enunciating every word. He’s sickened by death, sickened by the killing. Since he was a child the nightmares have never gone away and everything he saw made him detest killing more. It drove him insane until he could no longer lead a normal life, until he became this twisted demon of the night.
And to become like the killers would be the sincerest betrayal of who Batman is; no matter how insane or deserving of death is foes may be. Batman is truly the craziest one of all.
Batman and the Punisher just glare at each other, utterly spent. The rain has completely stopped and they can hear the sound of a police helicopter approaching.
Glaring at Bruce, Frank decides to give his guy a final present. “You couldn’t do it,” says Frank with a trace of sarcasm in his gurgling voice. “But I can.”
With a final, superhuman effort, Frank tenses the muscles in his neck. There’s a sudden snap and the last of Frank’s spinal cord is completely cut through. The feeling in his hand and foot leaves and all signals to his heart and lungs vanishes.
Still prone as a stunt dummy, Frank bows his head and gives an odd kind of smile; one that’s not usually worn on his face.
As the air leaves his lungs, Frank begins to make a noise. At first Batman doesn’t understand what that sound is. But against all his knowledge of biology, it becomes louder and clearer. Frank Castle, no—the Punisher is laughing!
It’s not his usual grim laugh. This is loud, psychotic, totally fucking insane laughter that just become louder and louder while Frank’s grim features are twisted by a psychopathic clown’s grin.
The laughter dies down as he can’t breathe in anymore but that senseless, schizo smile never leaves his face. His eye rolls around in the skull frenziedly before it stops moving altogether.
Frank Castle finally realizes what the Joker has been laughing at all these years. Then he is dead.
Batman is frightened, for the first time since he was eight years old in crime alley he’s truly afraid. Castle’s face is a lunatic death mask that reminds him of nothing less than the Joker’s own twisted grill. Because the stuff the Joker is made of is inside all of us, Batman just doesn’t want to believe it.
Using up the last of his energy, Batman bolts like a scared rabbit and leaps from the top of the crack house into the waiting cockpit of the Batmobile, but not before the Police helicopter got a good look at him standing over the Punisher’s corpse.
If Nick Fury needed a reason to kill and bury Batman before he’s got it now. Not only SHIELD will be after him, but so will the cops, the media, the other superheroes and anybody looking to make a name for themselves. It’s a fight that the Batman may not win.
Inside the Batmobile, Bruce sets the dark machine to autopilot. Over the radio of his cowl, he can hear Alfred’s frantic voice. Alfred’s talking about how Bruce’s life signs are failing.
But all Batman wants to do is sleep.
His eyes shut as the heart monitor in the batmobile beeps slower and slower . . .
BATMAN WINS!
The merc with a mouth Deadpool suddenly appears on the camera. “Who’s laughing now, Frank? Hoo-fucking-ra!”
Deadpool laughs some more. “Consider this as karma getting back to you for shoving a grenade up my ass and pulling the pin.”
“Not cool bro! Not cool at all!”
Stats:
Batman-558 kills
Batarang-70 kills
Explosive gel-267 kills
Batarang/Batclaw-0 kills
Remote control Batarang-221 kills
Punisher-442 kills
AR-15 assault rifle-215 kills
Garrotte-25 kills
V-42 Stilletto-81 kills
M-67 grenade-121 kills
Geoff appears before the camera. “It’s like I said. The Punisher is bringing nothing to the table that Batman hasn’t seen before.”
He smiles as he puts an AR-15 back into the closet. “And if the Punisher came back with twice as many guns and rocket launchers; Batman would just run him over in his car.”
“The Ultra Bat-claw was able to steal kills from the Punisher by stealing his guns and the remote control batarang can hit a target multiple times and still be effective.”
Max doesn’t know what to make of it. “I’m shocked, I’m truly shocked. But the computer never lies so I’ll have to go with it.”
“I wish the Punisher won,” he says. “Plus,” Max adds. “You can’t underestimate the explosive gel. You can just unload as much of that stuff as you want. It’s like beer; you stop when you want to and boom.”
Spiderman doesn’t seem the least bit bothered that his side lost. “Well, let’s all get coffee and donuts. I’m buying . . . just kidding. We all chip in.”
Cassandra gives him some sign language which he pretends to understand. “Sounds good to me.”
Hush is less than enthusiastic. “You can all waste your time if you like. I’m going home to plan to kill the Batman and ruin his life.” He walks off, bandages and all.
Captain America calls after him. “And don’t come back!”
Geoff and Max smile at a job well done. Then they go and see Armand, who is already nibbling on his own donut.
“Well guys, I think we all know what’s next,” says Geoff with barely repressed glee.
“Oh yeah,” Armand smiles between bites of his donut.
“Back for blood,” Max says with a wide smile
The three hosts put their hands in a circle and then give a loud yell of glee. “WHOA!”
