Master of the Boot's Deadliest Warrior
Kratos Vs. the Mask
Disclaimer: Hey guys, now prepare for my most outlandish combo ever. I do not own either the Mask or God of War. The version of the Mask in this game will be a blend of the psychotic comic book version and the goofy and heroic cartoon edition. I also don't own the Lion King or anything else licensed.
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Announcer: Kratos, the fabled Ghost of Sparta
Shows a shot of a muscular, bald Greek man with pale skin. He's using bladed weapons on chains to cut down a horde of zombie creatures
The most deadly warrior in all of Greece and possibly the universe.
The screen shows Kratos murdering Zeus, the king of the Gods.
Kratos made a name for himself by killing Ares, the God of war and single handed taking on both the Olympians and Titans and winning.
Announcer: Kratos is a brute of a man, able to easily overpower his enemies through sheer will. He will be going up against an adversary known for unpredictability and madness
Shows a cut of a woman in a park, she is about to be ambushed by a rapist hidden in the bushes. Suddenly, the rapist is hit in the chest by a small missile. He has two seconds to stare at the missile before it explodes, sending his head flying through the air like a softball.
From behind a tree, a green headed guy in a yellow zoot suit peeks and flashes a pearly smile while brandishing a cross between a rifle and a rocket launcher. "Now that's a boomstick."
Announcer: The Mask, Edge City's infamous crime fighter who has criminals shitting themselves with fear.
Former ER Doctor and UFC fight Doctor Armand Dorian will evaluate the lethality of the combatant's weapons.
Armand stands before the camera. "I'm here to see if it kills, maims or wounds. In this case, both combatants will be bringing in weapons deadlier than anything realistic so I'll have my work cut out for me today."
Biomedical specialist and Black Belt Geoff Desmoulins will be there to evaluate the deadliness of either warrior.
Geoff gives us his predictions for the fight. "I'm going to give this one to Kratos hands down. I know the Mask is a reality bender but Kratos has beaten those before. He killed the sisters of fate who had the power to control time."
Computer expert Max Geiger will tie everything up in a nice pretty bow using his state of the art computer program created by Slytherin Studios.
"I'd have to give the fight to the Mask on this one," Max puts out. "Kratos is all about brute force but the Mask is flexible in his attack plan. He could come from any direction of attack and the only thing you can expect from him is the unexpected."
Stats
The Mask: Weight-167 lbs
Height-6'2''
Profession-crime fighter/pimp/banker
Attire: Zoot suit
Weapons-giant mallet, killer horn, Dennis the Menace, evil wardrobe
Kratos: Weight-211 lbs
Height-6'
Profession-warrior/general/former God of War
Attire-golden fleece, Corinthian running sandals, lion hide loin cloth, shoulder paldron
Weapons-Blades of Exile, Claws of Hades, Bow of Apollo, Blade of Olympus
Announcer: When bank employee Stanley Ipkiss discovered an ancient Scandinavian mask, he had no idea what he was unlocking.
Stanley stands in the river, after seeing what he thought was a body. He holds up a plain, wooden mask; watches as it mysteriously shimmers
When Kratos sold his soul to Ares for victory on the battlefield, he had no idea that the path he put himself on would result in the death of his family and the start of his bloody vendetta against the world.
Kratos lays prone, about to be killed by the Barbarian king. At the last moment, time freezes and a pair of harpies bear the blades of chaos, Kratos signature weapon.
Announcer: In addition to twenty first century technology, either side will be represented by guest experts who are at the top of their field.
Representing the mask are Lt Mitch Kellaway of Edge City PD and Dr. Pretorius, the Mask's arch nemesis.
Kellaway is a tall, fit looking cop with dark hair who looks like he's spent all day sucking lemons. He's just not a happy guy.
Dr. Pretorius is an average sized man with a Mohawk like plume of red hair and circular glasses that hide his eyes. The mad scientist looks like something that came out of a Tim Burton movie, with his freaky pale skin and odd attire.
On behalf of Kratos is the Goddess Athena and famous UFC fighter Chuck Liddell, who is actually a demi-god son of Athena.
Liddell stands there in his Mohawk topped majesty. He's not a man to mess with.
Athena is the goddess of wisdom and war. She looks like she'd be equally at home lecturing university students or out snapping necks with the best of them.
Announcer: In our duel to the death there will be no mercy, no rules and no safety between these two polar opposites.
A merciless chopper
Kratos spins around with the blades of exile, shredding the legs from underneath a Minotaur.
Versus a random maniac
The Mask defeats a pack of drug dealers by snapping their spines with a pair of large fish, wielded like imitation nun chucks.
A fearless brute
Kratos rips the head off of a gorgon
Versus a guy who loves his job
A bank robber puts a gun to a little boy's head. "I'll waste him, believe me!"
The Mask hits the guy with a boxing glove gun; the robber goes flying face first through a plate glass window. The Mask then transforms into Frank Miller's Batman. "I believe you."
All in the quest to decide
Announcer: The fight club is preparing for an exciting day of testing and action. Our experts line up to get things started.
Lt. Kellaway goes first in front of the camera. "I hate the Mask; his wedgies have me going through three pairs of under wear a week. I like this Kratos guy; he seems honest, but I don't think he has it to kill the Mask."
Athena defends her champion. "Kratos is a man of singular drive. He hits his enemies where they feel the most pain and then makes sure that they're dead. He never leaves any survivors."
Dr. Pretorius is sophisticated and erudite; a true mad scientist. "I've found in my studies that the Mask only kills fifteen to ten percent of each criminal case; usually reserving lethal force for the most violent and irredeemable offenders. I believe that he only kills when he thinks it is funny."
Chuck then voices his opinion. "Kratos is a man after my own heart. If he's anything like me, then he's going to dominate every time.
Announcer: First in line are the short range weapons
Athena approaches a field of targets; ten are made of fibreglass, eight are pig carcasses and two of them are ballistics gel. In her hands is a massive white sword that was never meant to be wielded by the hands of mortals.
While Geoff attached sensors to her wrists and hilt, Athena begins to tell the story of the massive sword with a channel of blue energy running up the blood groove. "This blade was forged by Zeus out of the heavens and the earth. It was this super weapon that allowed the Olympians to prevail over the titans. It actually has the power to kill a God."
Geoff is impressed by Athena's story. "Alright, let's see how you quickly you can kill these guys."
The Goddess of War squares her feet into proper stance.
Geoff gives the much loved countdown. "Okay, Athena ; 3... 2... 1... ATTACK!"
Athena proves her worth as a warrior as she takes the long, impossibly broad blade and in a single sweep cuts down five dummies. Not even breaking stride, Athena instantly brings the blade back for another stroke, this time taking out three dummies and three pigs.
In no time, all that's left is a single gel dummy that gets sliced from head to crotch.
Armand is ecstatic about the damage. "Did you see this? It's amazing! That blade cut through human flesh like it's not even there!"
Chuck is a little condescending towards Armand. "Well, it is designed to slay gods, so what chance do these guys have?"
Announcer: Team Mask has their own answer to the Blade of Olympus.
Kellaway holds in his hands a massive croquet mallet. "This is one of the Mask's favourite weapons. He uses it to crack skulls and snap spines. He's killed over thirty British Petroleum executives with it."
Max doesn't think that's evil. "Aren't those the guys who caused the spill in the gulf?"
Geoff nods. "Yeah; BP murdered a lot of birds and sea turtles and destroyed thousands of jobs."
None the less, Kellaway refuses to go further into the morality behind the Mask. The bitter cop stands before a ballistics dummy, sensors in place and ready to strike.
"Kellaway, you go in 3... 2... 1.. STRIKE!"
Kellaway drops the hammer. The skull on the dummy explodes like a melon, showering the team with shards of gel and fake blood.
Raising the heavy hammer for another strike, Kellaway brings the heavy weapon down. Ribs snap and organs explode; if this were a man, he'd be dead.
Max reviews the footage on the computer screens. "Well, that mallet only hit at three quarters of the speed that the Blade of Olympus went at."
"But the target is still deceased," points out Dr. Pretorius.
"Yeah, but in battle the quickest strike can still win a fight," Geoff counters.
After a few minutes of deliberation, the three experts come to a decision.
Armand appears before the camera. "Both weapons were beyond lethal, but the Blade of Olympus was more lethal. So the edge goes to the blade."
Edge: Kratos
Announcer: Our experts move into the next round as we test out the medium range weapons.
The staff on the show has set up three dummies in an outdoor area full of grass and trees. Three dummies are sitting inside a car. On each of their chests is a pressure pad which will tell whether that person is disoriented, injured or dead.
Dr. Pretorius stands with a tiny horn in his hand. It's a cute little thing with an undersized mouth and on the bulb is written, "Squeeze me gently."
The mad scientist elaborates on the weapon. "The mask generally uses this to subdue large groups. It has a range of about twenty feet. However with my own private testing, I have found that it is lethal within twelve feet."
Max nods at the mad scientist. "Okay Dok; what we want you to do is try and take out those guys in the car."
Pretorius replies in the affirmative. "A simple enough request for my genius."
The doctor stands just at the edge of the horn's killing range. He is wearing more ear protection than is normally found on the show's experts.
Max has the honour of giving the countdown. "3... 2... 1.. FIRE!"
Dr. Pretorius gently squeezes the bulb on the horn.
Like a Tex Avery cartoon, the mouth of the horn grows giant sized and sprouts along pink tongue. It honks out a lethal and deafening "AUGHA!"
The blast of sound is devastating. It completely blows in the windshield of the car, showering the inhabitants with shards of glass. It also totally blasts the side and rear windows.
When the horn is done its devastating work, even the tires have exploded. Hanging on by God's will, the rear-view mirror clings to its frame for two more seconds and then falls off.
The guys laugh at the damage with childish glee. Even Chuck Liddell is impressed by the damage done.
Laughing, Geoff inspects the pressure pads on the dummy's chests. "We have three kills right here. Stone dead; nothing that can be done."
Armand also pitches in. "If they weren't dead from the concussive force then the shards of glass in the eye sockets might conceivably kill them."
Max reports on the scene. "My instruments show that the damage goes spreads out from the source. At the twelve foot mark, there is a thirty foot wide death zone created, like a giant cone seen from above."
Athena is undaunted. "Impressive, but Kratos has a weapon to trump that toy any day."
Inside the fight club, Chuck wields the Blades of Exile. They are wicked curved blades which attach to his wrists via chains. Athena gives the history of the blades.
"When Kratos lost the Blades of Chaos, I gave him the Blades of Exile. I think you'll find them greatly improved over the blades of chaos."
Geoff thinks that's great, but "Time to put your money where your mouth is, Athena."
Again, three ballistics gel dummies are placed inside a car and Chuck will have to take them out.
Geoff gives the countdown. "Chuck, 3... 2... 1... SPARTAN, ATTACK!"
Chuck strikes with the blades of exile. The chain extends like an elastic band as he throws his arm forward. The heavy blade shoots through the car window and impales one dummy through the chest.
Yanking back, Chuck rips the dummy from the car; putting its face right through the windshield.
Imitating Kratos fighting style, Chuck slams the dummy against the ground a few times in a large arc. Then he uses his other blade to disembowel the dummy.
Chuck swings the blades back and forth on the chains which vary length. The heavy weapons slice through the metal of the car chassis and expose the two remaining dummies like oysters in their shell.
A final swing of the weapons neatly slices the heads off of the dummies.
The experts cheer and then go between themselves to decide which weapon is deadliest. Geoff suggests the blades of exile. "I'm giving the edge to the blades. They're more accurate than the horn and just as deadly."
Max differs. "I'm going with the horn on this one. It's not as accurate but it's like the ultimate buckshot effect; it's not going to miss the target."
Armand agrees with Max. "Yeah, and even if it's killing range isn't as long as the blades, it can still injure and disorient at greater ranges."
Geoff sees that he'd been beaten. "So, horn then?"
Edge: The Mask
Announcer: Next up are the long range weapons and our experts are getting heated.
Chuck Liddell stands next to Dr. Pretorius. The mad scientist looks like a toothpick with a red tuft on it next to the brawny UFC fighter.
Chuck says to the doctor. "Kratos is going to win this, man. His willpower is unbreakable and his skill is perfect. What has the Mask got?"
Pretorius's reply is cool and calculated. "While the Mask can hardly boast a Spartan's upbringing or the favour of the gods, he brings his own set of intangible factors which weight the battle in his favour. It takes more than brute force to defeat the Mask. Believe me when I say that I've tried."
The experts bring out the weapons. Athena appears with the Bow of Apollo. It is a magnificent weapon which requires the strength of a god to use.
Athena holds up the weapon and elaborates on it. "This is the Bow of Apollo. It fires flaming arrows created from the magic of the wearer. Since Kratos gains magic from killing enemies, he has no shortage of power."
To test the power of the bow, a series of moving targets are set up on a pulley. Geoff explains, "Okay Athena, you'll have thirty seconds to put as much damage into those four targets a possible."
The Goddess of Wisdom and War nods and notches an arrow.
"In 3... 2... 1.. FIRE!"
The first arrow flies free and hits the large wooden disk with a bull's-eye painted on it. The wood target explodes like it's been hit like a bomb.
Lightning quick, Athena shoots another arrow. The second target is hit dead center; blowing up just like the one before it.
As the targets blow up in short order, Kellaway and Pretorius look unimpressed.
Max reads from his instruments. "You just killed five targets in as many seconds. That's easily the fastest shooting from a bow weapon we've ever seen."
Kellaway delivers his lines with the usual lemon sucking curtness. "You expect that little toy bow to kill anything? We've got something deadlier; something that my men on the force had to deal with. We're lucky it hasn't killed any of us."
The time comes to test the Mask's long range weapon . . . Dennis the Menace.
Geoff doesn't seem so sure of this. "Are you guys just pulling our leg with this?"
Armand has to agree. "Yeah, I'm fairly certain that there's something in the Geneva Convention against using ten year olds instead of sniper rifles."
Dr. Pretorius stands over the playful hell raiser with a large syringe in hand. "The Mask has used Dennis here as a guided weapon many times over the years," says the villainous doctor. "The Mask simply injects Dennis with a mixture of crystal meth and high grade rocket fuel; which I have painstakingly synthesized today."
Kellaway holds the lad's arm while swabbing the skin with an alcohol wipe. "Here kid, this won't hurt much."
Announcer: For the safety of all parties involved, our hosts are placed behind a seventh grade ray shield imported from Corusscant.
Dr. Pretorius injects Dennis with the rocket fuel/crystal meth mix and then he and Kellaway hastily make their way behind the safety of the ray shield.
It takes a few seconds before the mixture takes effect. When it does, Dennis's pupils widen and he becomes a lean, mean killing machine.
From behind a curtain comes out the entire line-up of the first season of Deadliest Warrior. There's a pirate, a ninja, a Spartan, a knight, a Samurai, a Viking, a Maori Warrior and a Shaolin monk. Also turning up for the party are some Yakuza, a Mafia guy, A Spetznaz dude, a Green Beret.
Shaka Zulu and William Wallace have even turned up to the party.
The first to attack is the Spartan. The ancient Hellenistic warrior charges Dennis with his spear. America's first bad boy instantly parries the spear strike and launches a kick at the Spartan's shield, utterly buckling the large bronze and wood construct.
The Spartan flies backwards as the Samurai and Viking take point. Dennis dodges both the Viking's axe and the Samurai's katana. With an easy move, he disarms the Samurai and uses the sword to kill both ancient opponents.
The Maori swings with the heavy spear but Dennis jumps on top of the lethal island weapon and runs up and punches out the three hundred pound Maori. The Shaolin monk fares little better; Dennis kills him with the Maoris' spear.
William Wallace chops downwards with his claymore but Dennis catches the blade with his bare hands and kicks Wallace in the stomach.
William Wallace flies back and gets impaled on the weapons of Shaka Zulu, who in turn has his bones broken from impact with the Scottish warlord.
A ninja throws several shuriken at Dennis, only to have them deflected back at him. The ninja goes down with several metal pieces in his chest.
The pirate fires his blunderbuss but Dennis dodges the hail of deadly shrapnel. Seeing that he's out of his league, the pirate tries to run but doesn't get far before the menace spears him with Shake Zulu's short spear.
The Yakuza, the Mafia, the Spetznaz and the Green Beret all open fire with their machine guns but Dennis dodges it all like something from the Matrix.
He jumps and gets ready to kill the remaining warriors when suddenly he halts in mid air, turns belly up and lands on the ground.
To say the least, the hosts are stunned by the carnage. Reluctantly, Max turns off the ray shield so that they can inspect the carnage as the survivors run like hell in case Dennis gets up for more.
"Fuck me," says Geoff, utterly blown away by the level of devastation wrought by a ten year old boy in red suspenders.
"Wow," says Max.
Armand is a little wordier than the others. "This is what it must have been like when the Nazis invaded Russia."
Kellaway rubs it into Chuck Liddell's face. "So what do you think, big guy? Think your bow is better than that?"
Chuck is unimpressed. "Big deal; I could take that kid on my worst day." He turns to Armand. "Dok, just wake him up and we'll go toe to toe. Then we'll see who's deadly."
Dennis still hasn't moved from where he's fallen and he doesn't seem to be breathing. "Did he take a bullet?" Armand asks.
Max replies in the negative. "Nope; according to the sensors we strapped onto him his heart exploded."
Dr. Pretorius doesn't seem bothered in the least by this development. "That was a risk we were willing to take. However I don't see this as a hindrance, given how sufficient data was collected."
Geoff is on the verge of tears and he spins on Pretorius. "He's fucking dead, man! Not only did you kill a child but this show will be cancelled."
Armand however is nowhere near as distraught as Geoff. "Don't worry about it, buddy. We're not going to get cancelled: as a UFC fight doctor I'm qualified to raise the dead."
This satisfies Geoff but the biomedical expert seems shaken.
Announcer: As Armand Dorian prepares to reanimate Dennis the Menace, the show must go on and the experts unveil their special weapons!
Inside the fight club, Lt. Kellaway and Dr. Pretorius stand next to a large wardrobe made out of solid oak. It's al overly old thing and it recalls the Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe.
Kellaway knocks on the side of the wardrobe. "This is the Mask's evil wardrobe. He brings it out when the police try to blockade him on a high speed chase. It's eaten seventeen squad cars and one cocker spaniel to date."
Athena starts to laugh at the outlandish weapon. "The Mask is going to try and defeat Kratos with furniture?" She lets out a long, ladylike laugh. "Where is the carpet to go with it?"
Kellaway is predictably bitter. "Laugh it up, lady. Just wait until you see this baby in action."
A test is set up in which the wardrobe is placed with a ballistics gel dummy in front of it. In the background, Armand is preparing to raise the dead and return Dennis the menace to life. The former ER doctor runs around with a white lab coat on, checking and preparing his own special equipment.
At Armand's behest, Dennis's cool body is placed on a metal table that will be raised up to the roof.
Meanwhile, Kellaway and Dr. Pretorius set up a pulley to tug a string that will open up the latch on the front of the wardrobe.
Outside it's raining and thundering. Armand has got Chuck Liddell flying a trio of pink kites, trying to catch some lightning bolts. Chuck frantically works the three strings, but he's a mixed martial artist, not an Afghan kite fighter.
Chuck calls down to Armand, who now has donned a pair of goggles and some black rubber gloves. "Are you sure you can't just hook up the machines into a transformer?"
"Yes!" Armand shouts. "Last time I hooked up to the city's power grid I got a bad fine! This is how I power the machines!"
As Armand gets his equipment ready, the test for the evil wardrobe has been set up. Kellaway and Dr. Pretorius stand behind the safety glass and are ready to trigger the experiment.
Max gives the countdown. "3... 2... 1... FEEDING TIME!"
All it takes is a single pull of the rope and the latch is undone. For a split second nothing happens. Then quick as lightning, the doors of the cabinet open and a giant tongue comes out and grabs the dummy.
The dummy is yanked into the wardrobe and the doors shut. Inside, the sound of mastication can be heard; crunching and chomping.
A few seconds later the doors open up again and the dummy is spat out in pieces. It's like the thing has gone through a wood chipper.
Geoff whoops in glee. "Hey Armand, did you just see that?"
"Huh?" Armand didn't see that. He's standing on the platform with Dennis's body. "Sorry guys; I've got to do this."
Up on the roof, Chuck Liddell catches some lightning bolts with his pink kites that have Disney princesses on them. The energy goes down the kite strings and into Armand's arcane machinery.
From the main floor, Athena walks among the wreckage of the dummy as Kellaway and Pretorius re-fasten the latch on the wardrobe.
"Chuck, be safe," Athena calls up to her partner.
Chuck struggles to control the pink kites as they fly out of control. "Yeah!" he shouts just as a lightning bolt hits an antenna just a few feet away from his head. Easier said than done.
Down on the floor, Athena gets ready to test Kratos special weapon.
Announcer: Athena wields the Claws of Hades; two fearsome hooks on chains which were used by the Lord of the Underworld to rip the souls from his enemies before his untimely demise at Kratos' hands.
Athena shows off her skill with her uncle's weapons. The gruesome looking hooks spin around her body in ways that defy human ability. Each double clawed hook is easily capable of ripping open a human being like a ripe fruit.
In order to establish the deadliness of the weapons, Athena has been given a series of pig carcasses on mobile platforms. The objective will be to take down all the targets as quickly as she can.
Up on the roof, Chuck Liddell has gathered enough power from his three princess kites to fully power Armand's resurrecting machinery.
Armand runs up to Geoff in his mad scientist outfit. The fight doctor is getting awfully close to his friend as their faces almost touch. Geoff seems visibly uncomfortable with the distance between them, or lack thereof.
Armand says to Geoff. "Geoff, I want you to elevate me."
Geoff looks around as if wanting to ask if anybody is going to help him. "Uh, no offense, but I have a wife."
Armand just looks confused and takes off his dark goggles. "What are you talking about? I just want you to raise the platform. The switch is right behind you."
With that little mix up taken care of, Geoff laughs with relief. "Oh man, sorry; I'll do that right away."
As Armand rises up on the platform, Athena gets the countdown from Max.
"3... 2...1... FOR OLYMPUS!"
Eyes full of fury, Athena spins the claws around her like a whirlwind of cursed steel.
Shooting out like a frog's tongue, the hooks catch one of the pigs. With a mere flick of her wrist, Athena violently tears off the pig from where it's been attached.
Prone on the ground, Athena shoots both of the claws into the pig and with a hefty pull, tears the dead hog in two.
Organs and viscera fly all over the glass cove protecting the camera.
Whirling the claws around her again, Athena roars and then plants the weapons into the ground. Not a split second later, hundreds of chains shoot out of the ground, impaling the pigs with the devastating power of Hades.
The chains retract from the pig carcasses, ripping out flesh and splintering bone as they do.
Athena spins the chains once more around her and smiles at the Mask's crew. "I think that the Mask should have his wardrobe stay home."
Kellaway mutters something derogatory about Greek girls while Pretorius starts to make his way towards the coffee table.
Up on the roof, Dennis the menace is having an electric current pumped through his dead body strong enough to light up a small town.
Standing right over Dennis's electrified body is Armand Dorian. Armand is fully in mad scientist mode with an insane grin on his face. His dark hair is plastered to his head from the rain and he checks his medical instruments.
Armand starts to cackle maniacally. "It's alive! IT'S ALIVE!"
Meanwhile, Chuck Liddell is running for the exit as lightning bolts case after him like Zeus angry with him.
Chuck throws himself down a flight of stairs before the gods of thunder and lightning can barbecue his demigod ass.
Down on the floor, the three experts are back again and ready to make their decision. "You okay, Armand," says Geoff.
Armand nods. "Yeah, I'm good. I gotta vote for the claws on this one." His hair is neatly styled again and he seems to be back to his normal self.
Max speaks next. "I agree with Dr. Horrible over here." Armand glares at him. "The wardrobe was lethal, but the chains have the advantage of a widespread attack and they can be used to summon the souls that Kratos has killed."
The answer is obvious to the three men.
Edge: Kratos
Announcer: In short range weapons, Kratos took the lead with the Blade of Olympus. In Medium and long range weapons, The Mask took the advantage with the killer horn and Dennis the Menace. And finally, Kratos takes the cake with special weapons.
With all testing complete, all that's left to do is fire up the simulation and watch these two warriors go at it in a duel to the death; no rules, no safety, no mercy!
Max is shown pressing the enter key on his computer screen. It's ShowTime.
Simulation:
In the bowels of Mt. Olympus, legendary Warrior Kratos is preparing to slice Zeus's heart in half. The Ghost of Sparta is mighty pissed off (when isn't he?) and he's out for the vengeance that he's been looking for so long for.
Currently, Kratos's path is blocked by a massive magical door which will only open with blood.
Kratos reads the inscription on the tablet. Apparently to get across this door he'll have to toss six sacrifices into the molten lave which is gathered in a big pool at the back of the room.
Luckily for him, there are a number of prisoners in cages; victims of the amoral nature of the Greek gods.
Kratos steps up to a cage with two teenage boys that look like the product of brothers and sisters mating.
The kids in the cage look at Kratos and have a totally inappropriate reaction. "Hey Beavis, that guy's bald," says the brown haired snorter to his snorter friend.
"Beavis" starts to snigger at his friend's brilliant observation. "Yeah Butthead, nyheh, nyhey, nyheh."
His buddy joins the laughter at Kratos lack of hair. "Uh-huh-huh-uh-huh."
Kratos can actually feel himself getting stupider just listening to these two morons. So without further ado, he drags Beavis and Butthead's cage and shoves it into the lava.
It's truly a pleasure to hear the morons scream before they're vaporized by the molten rock.
Kratos grabs the next cage and starts to drag it towards the lava. Inside the cage is a pale faced banker who'd rather be anywhere but here.
Stanley Ipkiss starts to plead to Kratos to let him out, but he'd make better progress with Darth Vader's left shoe.
As the cage is dragged, Stanley spots a green piece of wood on the floor. Getting that mask is the only way he'll survive this.
Ignoring both the mask, Kratos finally tosses Stanley's cage into the lava. The warrior of Sparta begins to stride powerfully to the remaining captives. Three down, three to go.
All of the sudden, Kratos can feel a presence that is both hated and familiar to him.
A mass of cloud and lightning forms in front of him. Zeus!
Kratos screams as the clouds form a look alike of Zeus. "Come and face me Zeus and let us end this!"
The image of Zeus speaks but his words make no sense. "Kratos, you have served me well. Take this Kratos, take this weapon, take this power. Take—
Suddenly, Zeus's voice is coming right behind Kratos. "The Wedgie of Olympus!"
Before he can react, the Mask, dressed as Zeus, gives the Ghost of Sparta an atomic wedgie.
The Mask jumps back and cackles while Kratos struggles to rip his underwear from his head.
Kratos rips the underwear from his head and then sizes up his opponent: a tall, gangly fellow with a bald, green head and blindingly white teeth dressed in a zoot suit.
The Mask lights a cigarette using his thumb and then addresses Kratos. "Sorry, cue ball; nothing personal."
Kratos snarls and pulls out the blades of exile. "Your ass is mine."
With no further delay, Kratos attacks the Mask with ferocity of a starving bulldog.
The Blades of Exile fly at the mask, threatening to cut that smile off his face. The yellow and green hero waits until the last second to spring his move.
The Mask dodges the blades of exile, ducking and weaving under the blades with the flexibility of an elastic band.
Kratos thrusts and throws the blades strapped to his wrist, but finds that his weapons are only cutting air.
Suddenly, the Mask jumps right in front of Kratos and honks his nose. The Ghost of Sparta is furious and gives the Mask a mighty punch in the teeth.
The Mask flies across the room and slams into a statue. His white teeth fall from his mouth like piano keys.
The Mask would like to play a little piano music on his teeth but Kratos is on him like flies on shit.
The Mask spins out of the way as Kratos slams onto the spot where he just was.
Kratos hits the floor like a meteorite and cracks the heavy granite floor. Seeing that this foe escapes him, The Ghost of Sparta figures that a new strategy is in order.
Putting away the blades of exile, Kratos pulls out the Claws of Hades. Spinning the claws in complex arcs and patterns, Kratos throws the sharp ends of the claws into the ground.
The chains tighten and the Mask has only seconds before something bad happens.
To the Mask's utter amazement, hundreds of chains sprout from the ground like some kind of a fucked up forest.
The Mask only avoided impalement by the way of his lightning fast reflexes and the power to split his body in parts after the fashion of SpongeBob square pants.
The chains suddenly retract back into the ground and Kratos charges the mask wielding the claws much the same way that he could his trademark blades.
Adjusting his big hat and making sure that his lucky feather is in place; The Mask grins and accepts the challenge.
From is private hammer space, the Mask yanks out a giant croquet mallet.
The Mask sets his sights on the howling warrior of Sparta and gives his own battle cry while lifting up the giant mallet in ready position.
"LEEEEROOYYYY FUCKING JEEEENKKKINSSS!"
Kratos launches the claws at the Mask, which are then deflected by the giant mallet.
As the Mask brings down his hammer to crush Kratos, the Spartan warrior throws up the claws at the ceiling and yanks himself up like a yo-yo.
The Mask misses his strike and punches giant hole in the floor.
Before the Mask can raise his weapon for another strike, Kratos swings down from the ceiling like Tarzan. The flying Spartan warrior plants a powerful kick into the Mask's chest.
The Mask comically flies across the room and bounces around like a rubber ball. But the Mask isn't laughing.
Far from it, the Mask wears a look of determination on his face as Kratos uses the claws to summon an army of dead souls whose ghostly weapons can do real damage to flesh.
From out of his pocket, the Mask conjures a giant wardrobe of antique oak.
Smiling, he undoes the latch and lets the deadly piece of furniture do its work.
A ghostly team of Spartans come at the Wardrobe with spears and shields ready, but a giant tongue snaps them up like a frog gobbling down flies. The wardrobe backs up surprisingly quick on its short legs in order to avoid enemy weapons.
As the ghostly enemies and the wardrobe fight it out, Kratos trades the claws of Hades for the Bow of Apollo.
Immediately, the Mask is beset by a hail of arrows which he nimbly dodges using a combination of ninjitsu and ballet techniques.
Burning hot arrows wiz past the Mask but he merely taunts the laconic Kratos. "Hey loser; why don't ya learn how to shoot!"
The Mask doesn't have to wait long because Kratos just isn't interested in witty banter. An arrow flies past and takes off the Mask's lucky feather. A second shot takes the Mask's hat completely off.
The Mask turns around to get his hat when he notices that in trying to kill him, Kratos has deep sixed half of the hostages in the cages.
The appals the Mask's twisted sense of righteousness. "Yo, asshole; don't you have any standards?"
Apparently not, judging by the way that Kratos charges the Mask once more with the claws of Hades.
Before the Mask can dodge or say something funny, Kratos has latched onto his green head and starts pulling.
The Mask's eyes bulge as he is now in very real mortal danger. If Kratos pulls off the mask then he'll turn back into harmless old Stanley Ipkiss. And good old Stanley won't stand a chance in hell against a beast like Kratos.
For a moment it looks like victory is at hand for Kratos, when the Mask is saved by quick thinking.
From his bottomless pocket the Mask has drawn a cute little horn with a funny inscription on the bulb.
Kratos is about to pull off the magical mask when he gets quite the shock.
"AUGHA!"
The sound blast is deafening and it throws back Kratos as if he's been launched by a cannon.
The deadly horn also has the side effect of breaking the claws of Hades. Kratos is left holding broken chains as he slams into a stone wall, going right through it.
Kratos shakily gets up. His ears are ringing and blood runs down his back where the rock cut into him.
Kratos is livid. It isn't just rage. It's a cold thing and it's giving Kratos tunnel vision. All that he can see in his mind is the Mask dying a most painful death.
Dropping the now useless Claws of Hades, Kratos pulls out the blades of Olympus. Nobody does that to the Ghost of Sparta and lives to tell the tale.
The blade glows with power as blood pours out of Kratos ears from the horn's blast.
The Mask tries to make yet another funny remark before Kratos tackles him and they both go flying through a wall.
The two of them are suddenly outside of the mountain and they land on a relatively flat rock formation.
Seeing that Kratos is packing a god killing weapon, the Mask has no intention of getting up close and personal with that. So he pulls out another weapon.
He yanks out Dennis the Menace from his pocket and places the kid on the ground. The Mask then pulls a giant syringe out of his ear. "I found this needle on the street, kid; hope you don't mind."
As soon as the rocket fuel/crystal meth mix enters Dennis's blood, the lad has no complaints. He launches himself at Kratos like a projectile instead of a person.
Kratos swings sideways with the blade, trying to bisect Dennis. Instead, he misses and takes a hard punch to the gut.
All the wind leaves Kratos and the mighty man doubles over.
He doesn't have long to recuperate from the first blow because Dennis does a flip and kicks Kratos right on the chin.
The Ghost of Sparta goes flying back. Thankfully he still has all of his teeth in place.
Dazed and battered though he is, Kratos swings the blade of Olympus at Dennis, hoping to decapitate the little grasshopper of a lad.
The strike slices off some of Dennis's hair but the now homicidal prankster couldn't care in his chemically altered state.
Leaping acrobatically, Dennis gives Kratos a powerful kick in the grapes.
Kratos eyes bulge out of their sockets and the warrior suppressed a groan of agony. Looks like it'll be a very long while before the next fun sex oriented mini game.
Kratos has had enough of this. If everybody could see the former God of War getting owned by a ten year old kid, Kratos would have to kill them all to avoid the shame.
He grinds out at Dennis. "You little fucker."
Then with an easy sweep of his arm, he runs Dennis through on the blade of Olympus. Before dying, Dennis punches Kratos square in the face, breaking Kratos fine nose.
But Dennis is dead and that's one more adversary on Kratos impressive kill count. Personally, Kratos might like to kill that annoying sea captain from the first game one more time.
As the Mask would say, but first. . .
The Mask is polishing his nails a lovely pink colour and waiting for Dennis to come back after killing Kratos.
It's not Dennis that comes back, just his head.
The Mask is stunned as the head of Dennis the Menace hits him square in the face.
The Mask gets up, more confused than dazed.
He looks down and sees Dennis's disembodied head. Well, this is a bit morbid.
The green faced vigilante barely makes it out of the way as Kratos brings down the Blade of Olympus with some very lethal intent.
Edge City's crime fighter is just a shade too slow and has a hand sliced off.
Blood pouring out of the wound where his right hand used to be, the Mask shrieks in horror like a little girl.
Kratos is about to drive the blade home into his enemy's heart when he's grabbed around the waist by the carnivorous wardrobe.
Kratos is yanked into the waiting wardrobe and the door slam shut.
The Mask looks down at his bleeding hand. The wound simply refuses to heal.
The Mask has been shot, stabbed, poisoned, clubbed, impaled, castrated and burned in his career battling criminals; this is the first time that a wound dealt to his has lasted. All those other times the Mask shrugged it off as easily as the cartoon characters he imitated.
With a shocking clarity for someone as scatter brained as him, the Mask realizes that this isn't a game and Kratos doesn't have any rules except win.
Green lips twist into an angry snarl. If this asshole wants to play hardball, then he'll get hardball.
The wardrobe of death shakes and grunts as if it is in pain. From inside of it, it is stabbed by the Blade of Olympus and one of the blades of exile.
Blood gushing everywhere, the wardrobe dies and its doors open wide.
Kratos jumps out of the wardrobe dressed like Marge Simpson. He even has a big, blue wig on just like Marge's hair.
Screaming in an emotion beyond fury, Kratos rips off the green dress, pearls and blue wig. He's naked except for his weapons; he's a friggin Spartan, being naked isn't something he's foreign to.
The Mask lunges at Kratos, dressed like a ninja and wielding a sword. He seems to have both of his hands now.
Kratos lashes out with one of the Blades of Exile and spears the Mask through the stomach. The Mask hollers as Kratos slams him into the stone floor again and again.
Growling like an animal, Kratos throws the Mask back through the stone wall where they came from.
The enemy of Kratos tries to get up but Kratos stomps on his hand violently. Before the Mask can even Shriek, his lower jaw is sliced off by Kratos blade.
The Mask transforms into a pirate and tries to shoot Kratos with is musket, but Kratos violently drives a thumb into the Mask's left eye. The violence gratifies Kratos.
Throwing the Mask against, a wall, Kratos charges with like a tidal wave, merciless and unstoppable.
On his best day, the Mask would never be able to avoid the Blade of Olympus the way Kratos is thrusting it now.
The Mask is pinned by the mighty blade like an insect on a pin.
Kratos snorts like a bull; glad to know that this particularly annoying enemy is down for the count.
But wait, something isn't right. The Mask's skin seems to be peeling and falling to the floor, much like the wrapping paper on a package.
To Kratos enormous surprise, when the glamour has worn off, it's not the Mask under his blade.
It's Meg Griffin!
Despite her grievous injuries, Meg smiles as she says. "I died with honour." Then she dies; horribly but no less honourably.
Having been deafened by the horn, Kratos doesn't hear the sound of a giant mallet rising over his head.
The mallet comes down on Kratos bald head and the big man's noggin explodes like an egg hitting the pavement.
Moving on nervous impulse, Kratos's headless body takes a few stumbling steps towards the Mask; swinging the Blade of Olympus clumsily. It's as if even in death Kratos isn't ready to call it quits.
Sure enough though, Kratos corpse lands at the Mask's feet, who still only has one hand.
The Mask gives his trademark grin. "Snooze," he whispers gleefully. Stanley is going to have to learn how to masturbate left handed but at least he'll have bragging rights.
The Mask Wins!
The Mask: 612 kills
Dennis the Menace-284 kills
Giant Mallet-35 kills
Deadly Horn-200
Evil Wardrobe-93 kills
Kratos: 388 kills
Bow of Apollo- 63 kills
Blade of Olympus- 165 kills
Blades of exile- 51 kills
Claws of Hades- 109
Geoff starts off with his commentary on the episode. "What was interesting here was—
It seems that Geoff is being distracted by his cell phone ringing. "Hang on," the man grumbles to the camera.
Geoff opens his phone and hits a button. "Hello?"
From the other end a frantic voice starts. "Geoff, thank god it's you! Listen, you have to help me?"
Geoff is confused at the desperate voice of Max Geiger coming from the phone. "Max, what's going on?"
"Geoff, I'm in Kandahar right now. I'm in deep shit here, buddy."
Geoff frowns as Armand and the guest experts gather around him. "Kandahar? Okay Max, quit screwing around."
"I'm not screwing around," Max protests, "I was driving to work this morning when I was kidnapped and send to the Near East."
Geoff isn't buying it. "Ha-ha, Max; very funny. But you've been here all d—
Suddenly, Geoff stops in his tracks. Max continues to babble on the phone, but he's also standing right in front of Geoff without any form of phone on him at all.
A look of pure confusion crosses the face of Geoff Desmoulins. If Max is in Kandahar as he claims, then who's that guy in front of him?
Seeing that the gig is up, "Max" smiles; revealing a set of teeth that are too big and white to belong to the real Max Geiger.
In a flash, the impostor spins around like a tornado before turning into. . .
"The Mask!" shouts Lieutenant Kellaway. The dark haired cop pulls out his sidearm and aims it at the green menace. "Hands in the air, you green fucker!"
Geoff is equally outraged. "You bastard, you impersonated our buddy!"
The Mask laughs and briefly turns back into Max. "I'm not a computer expert, although I do play one on TV."
The green and yellow scoundrel uses his thumb to light a cigarette. Exhaling smoke at Kellaway, he tells the detective. "Drop the gun, Lieutenant; it's not going to do shit against me."
Out of spite, Mitch Kellaway empties the whole clip at the Mask, visibly pissing him off.
"Hey Mitch," says the Mask, "I said that wouldn't do a thing."
"What is your purpose in coming here, Mask?" enquires Dr. Pretorius.
The Mask explains. "Well, first I was going to fight crime and then sleep with hookers, but then I found out from my fan base that I was going to be on this show and I just had to show up and see it for myself."
"You cheated!" accuses Chuck Liddell.
"Hey," the Mask protests, "I did everything that Max would. I didn't cheat. AND I WON! Free ice cubes and blow for everyone."
At that, the Mask starts to dance while throwing around ice cubes and cocaine. Armand goes down with a load of coke to the eyes. The blinded doctor stumbles to find the eye wash before the coke in his eyes makes him high.
Geoff slips on a free ice cube and bangs his hip pretty badly against a table. Shouting a string of curses, Geoff tries to right himself.
Chuck Liddell is making off with as much coke as he can, snorting enough to kill a horse. Meanwhile, Athena has got a load of ice cubes that she's taking to the freezer. "By the Gods, look at all this ice." Now she'll have a way to keep her sandwiches cold on Olympus.
All that's left are Kellaway, Pretorius and the Mask.
Desperately, Kellaway asks. "Why do you torture me so? Why can't you just kill me?"
The Mask laughs. "Come on! What would I do without you two guys?
To demonstrate, he turns into Heath Ledger's joker and says in that creepy joker way. "You-you complete me."
The Mask changes back. "Now let's see how that sounds with unnecessary censorship."
He transforms back into the Joker. "You-you BLEEP me."
Then he turns into Batman with the cancer voice. "You're garbage who BLEEPs for money."
And to finish it all, the Mask gives both his enemies a big wedgie.
But what's happened to Kratos? Won't he be mad that he lost? Not really. Since Kratos killed Zeus, he decided to move to New York City and he now has a job settling debts for the mob.
In the Bronx, Kratos wears an "I heart NY" hoodie which did little to hide his powerful frame.
The powerful Spartan warrior towered over Timon and Pumbaa. "Timon, you borrowed five hundred dollars from Phil Leotardo."
Timon is afraid and Pumbaa is scared shitless. He's smarter than Timon in that he knows Kratos rep isn't inflated; quite the opposite actually.
Timon tries to sweet talk his way out of this one. "Uh, sorry Kratos; Phil's gonna have to take a rain check. We can get the money next week."
Pumbaa covers his eyes and gets on the ground. "Timon," he whimpers, "we shouldn't have bet the money at the race tracks."
Seeing that the money isn't there, Kratos picks up Timon and starts to shake him like a mother in post partum depression shaking her baby.
Timon howls and tries to free himself as the mighty Spartan shakes him like a paint can.
Several people stop and stare at the unusual sight of a Spartan shaking down a meerkat and a warthog. Kratos just growls at onlookers. "The meerkat owes my friend money. Keep walking!"
Eventually, Kratos puts down a disoriented Timon and strips him for all he has. The meerkat's wallet is empty but he's got a nice watch. Kratos puts it around his pinkie; it's quite nice.
By this point Pumbaa has started crying and begging for mercy while Timon loses his lunch.
Kratos strides with his new pinkie watch over to his only mode of transport: a ten speed bicycle. As he undoes the bike chain, Kratos shouts to Timon and Pumbaa. "If I don't have the money by sundown tomorrow I'll kill the both of you and burn Simba's night club to cinders!"
Kratos then realizes something. "Where's my helmet?" He bangs a fist on the handlebars. "Someone stole my fucking helmet!"
Angrily, Kratos pedals down the busy New York street, leaving Timon and Pumbaa wondering as to how they'll get out of this mess."
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And that's all folks. I know most of you were probably rooting for Kratos, but I wanted to shake things up a little. He always wins, usually with the help of some God or another. So I just took that help away. I hope you're not upset and that you had fun.
Next time we've got the legendary Dr. Who vs. the infamous Invader Zim. You won't want to miss it. As Nixon once said, "See my bitches go at it."
I love you all, you've been great readers.
Ta
Master of the Boot
Kratos Vs. the Mask
Disclaimer: Hey guys, now prepare for my most outlandish combo ever. I do not own either the Mask or God of War. The version of the Mask in this game will be a blend of the psychotic comic book version and the goofy and heroic cartoon edition. I also don't own the Lion King or anything else licensed.
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Announcer: Kratos, the fabled Ghost of Sparta
Shows a shot of a muscular, bald Greek man with pale skin. He's using bladed weapons on chains to cut down a horde of zombie creatures
The most deadly warrior in all of Greece and possibly the universe.
The screen shows Kratos murdering Zeus, the king of the Gods.
Kratos made a name for himself by killing Ares, the God of war and single handed taking on both the Olympians and Titans and winning.
Announcer: Kratos is a brute of a man, able to easily overpower his enemies through sheer will. He will be going up against an adversary known for unpredictability and madness
Shows a cut of a woman in a park, she is about to be ambushed by a rapist hidden in the bushes. Suddenly, the rapist is hit in the chest by a small missile. He has two seconds to stare at the missile before it explodes, sending his head flying through the air like a softball.
From behind a tree, a green headed guy in a yellow zoot suit peeks and flashes a pearly smile while brandishing a cross between a rifle and a rocket launcher. "Now that's a boomstick."
Announcer: The Mask, Edge City's infamous crime fighter who has criminals shitting themselves with fear.
Former ER Doctor and UFC fight Doctor Armand Dorian will evaluate the lethality of the combatant's weapons.
Armand stands before the camera. "I'm here to see if it kills, maims or wounds. In this case, both combatants will be bringing in weapons deadlier than anything realistic so I'll have my work cut out for me today."
Biomedical specialist and Black Belt Geoff Desmoulins will be there to evaluate the deadliness of either warrior.
Geoff gives us his predictions for the fight. "I'm going to give this one to Kratos hands down. I know the Mask is a reality bender but Kratos has beaten those before. He killed the sisters of fate who had the power to control time."
Computer expert Max Geiger will tie everything up in a nice pretty bow using his state of the art computer program created by Slytherin Studios.
"I'd have to give the fight to the Mask on this one," Max puts out. "Kratos is all about brute force but the Mask is flexible in his attack plan. He could come from any direction of attack and the only thing you can expect from him is the unexpected."
Stats
The Mask: Weight-167 lbs
Height-6'2''
Profession-crime fighter/pimp/banker
Attire: Zoot suit
Weapons-giant mallet, killer horn, Dennis the Menace, evil wardrobe
Kratos: Weight-211 lbs
Height-6'
Profession-warrior/general/former God of War
Attire-golden fleece, Corinthian running sandals, lion hide loin cloth, shoulder paldron
Weapons-Blades of Exile, Claws of Hades, Bow of Apollo, Blade of Olympus
Announcer: When bank employee Stanley Ipkiss discovered an ancient Scandinavian mask, he had no idea what he was unlocking.
Stanley stands in the river, after seeing what he thought was a body. He holds up a plain, wooden mask; watches as it mysteriously shimmers
When Kratos sold his soul to Ares for victory on the battlefield, he had no idea that the path he put himself on would result in the death of his family and the start of his bloody vendetta against the world.
Kratos lays prone, about to be killed by the Barbarian king. At the last moment, time freezes and a pair of harpies bear the blades of chaos, Kratos signature weapon.
Announcer: In addition to twenty first century technology, either side will be represented by guest experts who are at the top of their field.
Representing the mask are Lt Mitch Kellaway of Edge City PD and Dr. Pretorius, the Mask's arch nemesis.
Kellaway is a tall, fit looking cop with dark hair who looks like he's spent all day sucking lemons. He's just not a happy guy.
Dr. Pretorius is an average sized man with a Mohawk like plume of red hair and circular glasses that hide his eyes. The mad scientist looks like something that came out of a Tim Burton movie, with his freaky pale skin and odd attire.
On behalf of Kratos is the Goddess Athena and famous UFC fighter Chuck Liddell, who is actually a demi-god son of Athena.
Liddell stands there in his Mohawk topped majesty. He's not a man to mess with.
Athena is the goddess of wisdom and war. She looks like she'd be equally at home lecturing university students or out snapping necks with the best of them.
Announcer: In our duel to the death there will be no mercy, no rules and no safety between these two polar opposites.
A merciless chopper
Kratos spins around with the blades of exile, shredding the legs from underneath a Minotaur.
Versus a random maniac
The Mask defeats a pack of drug dealers by snapping their spines with a pair of large fish, wielded like imitation nun chucks.
A fearless brute
Kratos rips the head off of a gorgon
Versus a guy who loves his job
A bank robber puts a gun to a little boy's head. "I'll waste him, believe me!"
The Mask hits the guy with a boxing glove gun; the robber goes flying face first through a plate glass window. The Mask then transforms into Frank Miller's Batman. "I believe you."
All in the quest to decide
Who
Is
Deadliest?
Announcer: The fight club is preparing for an exciting day of testing and action. Our experts line up to get things started.
Lt. Kellaway goes first in front of the camera. "I hate the Mask; his wedgies have me going through three pairs of under wear a week. I like this Kratos guy; he seems honest, but I don't think he has it to kill the Mask."
Athena defends her champion. "Kratos is a man of singular drive. He hits his enemies where they feel the most pain and then makes sure that they're dead. He never leaves any survivors."
Dr. Pretorius is sophisticated and erudite; a true mad scientist. "I've found in my studies that the Mask only kills fifteen to ten percent of each criminal case; usually reserving lethal force for the most violent and irredeemable offenders. I believe that he only kills when he thinks it is funny."
Chuck then voices his opinion. "Kratos is a man after my own heart. If he's anything like me, then he's going to dominate every time.
Announcer: First in line are the short range weapons
Athena approaches a field of targets; ten are made of fibreglass, eight are pig carcasses and two of them are ballistics gel. In her hands is a massive white sword that was never meant to be wielded by the hands of mortals.
While Geoff attached sensors to her wrists and hilt, Athena begins to tell the story of the massive sword with a channel of blue energy running up the blood groove. "This blade was forged by Zeus out of the heavens and the earth. It was this super weapon that allowed the Olympians to prevail over the titans. It actually has the power to kill a God."
Geoff is impressed by Athena's story. "Alright, let's see how you quickly you can kill these guys."
The Goddess of War squares her feet into proper stance.
Geoff gives the much loved countdown. "Okay, Athena ; 3... 2... 1... ATTACK!"
Athena proves her worth as a warrior as she takes the long, impossibly broad blade and in a single sweep cuts down five dummies. Not even breaking stride, Athena instantly brings the blade back for another stroke, this time taking out three dummies and three pigs.
In no time, all that's left is a single gel dummy that gets sliced from head to crotch.
Armand is ecstatic about the damage. "Did you see this? It's amazing! That blade cut through human flesh like it's not even there!"
Chuck is a little condescending towards Armand. "Well, it is designed to slay gods, so what chance do these guys have?"
Announcer: Team Mask has their own answer to the Blade of Olympus.
Kellaway holds in his hands a massive croquet mallet. "This is one of the Mask's favourite weapons. He uses it to crack skulls and snap spines. He's killed over thirty British Petroleum executives with it."
Max doesn't think that's evil. "Aren't those the guys who caused the spill in the gulf?"
Geoff nods. "Yeah; BP murdered a lot of birds and sea turtles and destroyed thousands of jobs."
None the less, Kellaway refuses to go further into the morality behind the Mask. The bitter cop stands before a ballistics dummy, sensors in place and ready to strike.
"Kellaway, you go in 3... 2... 1.. STRIKE!"
Kellaway drops the hammer. The skull on the dummy explodes like a melon, showering the team with shards of gel and fake blood.
Raising the heavy hammer for another strike, Kellaway brings the heavy weapon down. Ribs snap and organs explode; if this were a man, he'd be dead.
Max reviews the footage on the computer screens. "Well, that mallet only hit at three quarters of the speed that the Blade of Olympus went at."
"But the target is still deceased," points out Dr. Pretorius.
"Yeah, but in battle the quickest strike can still win a fight," Geoff counters.
After a few minutes of deliberation, the three experts come to a decision.
Armand appears before the camera. "Both weapons were beyond lethal, but the Blade of Olympus was more lethal. So the edge goes to the blade."
Edge: Kratos
Announcer: Our experts move into the next round as we test out the medium range weapons.
The staff on the show has set up three dummies in an outdoor area full of grass and trees. Three dummies are sitting inside a car. On each of their chests is a pressure pad which will tell whether that person is disoriented, injured or dead.
Dr. Pretorius stands with a tiny horn in his hand. It's a cute little thing with an undersized mouth and on the bulb is written, "Squeeze me gently."
The mad scientist elaborates on the weapon. "The mask generally uses this to subdue large groups. It has a range of about twenty feet. However with my own private testing, I have found that it is lethal within twelve feet."
Max nods at the mad scientist. "Okay Dok; what we want you to do is try and take out those guys in the car."
Pretorius replies in the affirmative. "A simple enough request for my genius."
The doctor stands just at the edge of the horn's killing range. He is wearing more ear protection than is normally found on the show's experts.
Max has the honour of giving the countdown. "3... 2... 1.. FIRE!"
Dr. Pretorius gently squeezes the bulb on the horn.
Like a Tex Avery cartoon, the mouth of the horn grows giant sized and sprouts along pink tongue. It honks out a lethal and deafening "AUGHA!"
The blast of sound is devastating. It completely blows in the windshield of the car, showering the inhabitants with shards of glass. It also totally blasts the side and rear windows.
When the horn is done its devastating work, even the tires have exploded. Hanging on by God's will, the rear-view mirror clings to its frame for two more seconds and then falls off.
The guys laugh at the damage with childish glee. Even Chuck Liddell is impressed by the damage done.
Laughing, Geoff inspects the pressure pads on the dummy's chests. "We have three kills right here. Stone dead; nothing that can be done."
Armand also pitches in. "If they weren't dead from the concussive force then the shards of glass in the eye sockets might conceivably kill them."
Max reports on the scene. "My instruments show that the damage goes spreads out from the source. At the twelve foot mark, there is a thirty foot wide death zone created, like a giant cone seen from above."
Athena is undaunted. "Impressive, but Kratos has a weapon to trump that toy any day."
Inside the fight club, Chuck wields the Blades of Exile. They are wicked curved blades which attach to his wrists via chains. Athena gives the history of the blades.
"When Kratos lost the Blades of Chaos, I gave him the Blades of Exile. I think you'll find them greatly improved over the blades of chaos."
Geoff thinks that's great, but "Time to put your money where your mouth is, Athena."
Again, three ballistics gel dummies are placed inside a car and Chuck will have to take them out.
Geoff gives the countdown. "Chuck, 3... 2... 1... SPARTAN, ATTACK!"
Chuck strikes with the blades of exile. The chain extends like an elastic band as he throws his arm forward. The heavy blade shoots through the car window and impales one dummy through the chest.
Yanking back, Chuck rips the dummy from the car; putting its face right through the windshield.
Imitating Kratos fighting style, Chuck slams the dummy against the ground a few times in a large arc. Then he uses his other blade to disembowel the dummy.
Chuck swings the blades back and forth on the chains which vary length. The heavy weapons slice through the metal of the car chassis and expose the two remaining dummies like oysters in their shell.
A final swing of the weapons neatly slices the heads off of the dummies.
The experts cheer and then go between themselves to decide which weapon is deadliest. Geoff suggests the blades of exile. "I'm giving the edge to the blades. They're more accurate than the horn and just as deadly."
Max differs. "I'm going with the horn on this one. It's not as accurate but it's like the ultimate buckshot effect; it's not going to miss the target."
Armand agrees with Max. "Yeah, and even if it's killing range isn't as long as the blades, it can still injure and disorient at greater ranges."
Geoff sees that he'd been beaten. "So, horn then?"
Edge: The Mask
Announcer: Next up are the long range weapons and our experts are getting heated.
Chuck Liddell stands next to Dr. Pretorius. The mad scientist looks like a toothpick with a red tuft on it next to the brawny UFC fighter.
Chuck says to the doctor. "Kratos is going to win this, man. His willpower is unbreakable and his skill is perfect. What has the Mask got?"
Pretorius's reply is cool and calculated. "While the Mask can hardly boast a Spartan's upbringing or the favour of the gods, he brings his own set of intangible factors which weight the battle in his favour. It takes more than brute force to defeat the Mask. Believe me when I say that I've tried."
The experts bring out the weapons. Athena appears with the Bow of Apollo. It is a magnificent weapon which requires the strength of a god to use.
Athena holds up the weapon and elaborates on it. "This is the Bow of Apollo. It fires flaming arrows created from the magic of the wearer. Since Kratos gains magic from killing enemies, he has no shortage of power."
To test the power of the bow, a series of moving targets are set up on a pulley. Geoff explains, "Okay Athena, you'll have thirty seconds to put as much damage into those four targets a possible."
The Goddess of Wisdom and War nods and notches an arrow.
"In 3... 2... 1.. FIRE!"
The first arrow flies free and hits the large wooden disk with a bull's-eye painted on it. The wood target explodes like it's been hit like a bomb.
Lightning quick, Athena shoots another arrow. The second target is hit dead center; blowing up just like the one before it.
As the targets blow up in short order, Kellaway and Pretorius look unimpressed.
Max reads from his instruments. "You just killed five targets in as many seconds. That's easily the fastest shooting from a bow weapon we've ever seen."
Kellaway delivers his lines with the usual lemon sucking curtness. "You expect that little toy bow to kill anything? We've got something deadlier; something that my men on the force had to deal with. We're lucky it hasn't killed any of us."
The time comes to test the Mask's long range weapon . . . Dennis the Menace.
Geoff doesn't seem so sure of this. "Are you guys just pulling our leg with this?"
Armand has to agree. "Yeah, I'm fairly certain that there's something in the Geneva Convention against using ten year olds instead of sniper rifles."
Dr. Pretorius stands over the playful hell raiser with a large syringe in hand. "The Mask has used Dennis here as a guided weapon many times over the years," says the villainous doctor. "The Mask simply injects Dennis with a mixture of crystal meth and high grade rocket fuel; which I have painstakingly synthesized today."
Kellaway holds the lad's arm while swabbing the skin with an alcohol wipe. "Here kid, this won't hurt much."
Announcer: For the safety of all parties involved, our hosts are placed behind a seventh grade ray shield imported from Corusscant.
Dr. Pretorius injects Dennis with the rocket fuel/crystal meth mix and then he and Kellaway hastily make their way behind the safety of the ray shield.
It takes a few seconds before the mixture takes effect. When it does, Dennis's pupils widen and he becomes a lean, mean killing machine.
From behind a curtain comes out the entire line-up of the first season of Deadliest Warrior. There's a pirate, a ninja, a Spartan, a knight, a Samurai, a Viking, a Maori Warrior and a Shaolin monk. Also turning up for the party are some Yakuza, a Mafia guy, A Spetznaz dude, a Green Beret.
Shaka Zulu and William Wallace have even turned up to the party.
The first to attack is the Spartan. The ancient Hellenistic warrior charges Dennis with his spear. America's first bad boy instantly parries the spear strike and launches a kick at the Spartan's shield, utterly buckling the large bronze and wood construct.
The Spartan flies backwards as the Samurai and Viking take point. Dennis dodges both the Viking's axe and the Samurai's katana. With an easy move, he disarms the Samurai and uses the sword to kill both ancient opponents.
The Maori swings with the heavy spear but Dennis jumps on top of the lethal island weapon and runs up and punches out the three hundred pound Maori. The Shaolin monk fares little better; Dennis kills him with the Maoris' spear.
William Wallace chops downwards with his claymore but Dennis catches the blade with his bare hands and kicks Wallace in the stomach.
William Wallace flies back and gets impaled on the weapons of Shaka Zulu, who in turn has his bones broken from impact with the Scottish warlord.
A ninja throws several shuriken at Dennis, only to have them deflected back at him. The ninja goes down with several metal pieces in his chest.
The pirate fires his blunderbuss but Dennis dodges the hail of deadly shrapnel. Seeing that he's out of his league, the pirate tries to run but doesn't get far before the menace spears him with Shake Zulu's short spear.
The Yakuza, the Mafia, the Spetznaz and the Green Beret all open fire with their machine guns but Dennis dodges it all like something from the Matrix.
He jumps and gets ready to kill the remaining warriors when suddenly he halts in mid air, turns belly up and lands on the ground.
To say the least, the hosts are stunned by the carnage. Reluctantly, Max turns off the ray shield so that they can inspect the carnage as the survivors run like hell in case Dennis gets up for more.
"Fuck me," says Geoff, utterly blown away by the level of devastation wrought by a ten year old boy in red suspenders.
"Wow," says Max.
Armand is a little wordier than the others. "This is what it must have been like when the Nazis invaded Russia."
Kellaway rubs it into Chuck Liddell's face. "So what do you think, big guy? Think your bow is better than that?"
Chuck is unimpressed. "Big deal; I could take that kid on my worst day." He turns to Armand. "Dok, just wake him up and we'll go toe to toe. Then we'll see who's deadly."
Dennis still hasn't moved from where he's fallen and he doesn't seem to be breathing. "Did he take a bullet?" Armand asks.
Max replies in the negative. "Nope; according to the sensors we strapped onto him his heart exploded."
Dr. Pretorius doesn't seem bothered in the least by this development. "That was a risk we were willing to take. However I don't see this as a hindrance, given how sufficient data was collected."
Geoff is on the verge of tears and he spins on Pretorius. "He's fucking dead, man! Not only did you kill a child but this show will be cancelled."
Armand however is nowhere near as distraught as Geoff. "Don't worry about it, buddy. We're not going to get cancelled: as a UFC fight doctor I'm qualified to raise the dead."
This satisfies Geoff but the biomedical expert seems shaken.
Announcer: As Armand Dorian prepares to reanimate Dennis the Menace, the show must go on and the experts unveil their special weapons!
Inside the fight club, Lt. Kellaway and Dr. Pretorius stand next to a large wardrobe made out of solid oak. It's al overly old thing and it recalls the Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe.
Kellaway knocks on the side of the wardrobe. "This is the Mask's evil wardrobe. He brings it out when the police try to blockade him on a high speed chase. It's eaten seventeen squad cars and one cocker spaniel to date."
Athena starts to laugh at the outlandish weapon. "The Mask is going to try and defeat Kratos with furniture?" She lets out a long, ladylike laugh. "Where is the carpet to go with it?"
Kellaway is predictably bitter. "Laugh it up, lady. Just wait until you see this baby in action."
A test is set up in which the wardrobe is placed with a ballistics gel dummy in front of it. In the background, Armand is preparing to raise the dead and return Dennis the menace to life. The former ER doctor runs around with a white lab coat on, checking and preparing his own special equipment.
At Armand's behest, Dennis's cool body is placed on a metal table that will be raised up to the roof.
Meanwhile, Kellaway and Dr. Pretorius set up a pulley to tug a string that will open up the latch on the front of the wardrobe.
Outside it's raining and thundering. Armand has got Chuck Liddell flying a trio of pink kites, trying to catch some lightning bolts. Chuck frantically works the three strings, but he's a mixed martial artist, not an Afghan kite fighter.
Chuck calls down to Armand, who now has donned a pair of goggles and some black rubber gloves. "Are you sure you can't just hook up the machines into a transformer?"
"Yes!" Armand shouts. "Last time I hooked up to the city's power grid I got a bad fine! This is how I power the machines!"
As Armand gets his equipment ready, the test for the evil wardrobe has been set up. Kellaway and Dr. Pretorius stand behind the safety glass and are ready to trigger the experiment.
Max gives the countdown. "3... 2... 1... FEEDING TIME!"
All it takes is a single pull of the rope and the latch is undone. For a split second nothing happens. Then quick as lightning, the doors of the cabinet open and a giant tongue comes out and grabs the dummy.
The dummy is yanked into the wardrobe and the doors shut. Inside, the sound of mastication can be heard; crunching and chomping.
A few seconds later the doors open up again and the dummy is spat out in pieces. It's like the thing has gone through a wood chipper.
Geoff whoops in glee. "Hey Armand, did you just see that?"
"Huh?" Armand didn't see that. He's standing on the platform with Dennis's body. "Sorry guys; I've got to do this."
Up on the roof, Chuck Liddell catches some lightning bolts with his pink kites that have Disney princesses on them. The energy goes down the kite strings and into Armand's arcane machinery.
From the main floor, Athena walks among the wreckage of the dummy as Kellaway and Pretorius re-fasten the latch on the wardrobe.
"Chuck, be safe," Athena calls up to her partner.
Chuck struggles to control the pink kites as they fly out of control. "Yeah!" he shouts just as a lightning bolt hits an antenna just a few feet away from his head. Easier said than done.
Down on the floor, Athena gets ready to test Kratos special weapon.
Announcer: Athena wields the Claws of Hades; two fearsome hooks on chains which were used by the Lord of the Underworld to rip the souls from his enemies before his untimely demise at Kratos' hands.
Athena shows off her skill with her uncle's weapons. The gruesome looking hooks spin around her body in ways that defy human ability. Each double clawed hook is easily capable of ripping open a human being like a ripe fruit.
In order to establish the deadliness of the weapons, Athena has been given a series of pig carcasses on mobile platforms. The objective will be to take down all the targets as quickly as she can.
Up on the roof, Chuck Liddell has gathered enough power from his three princess kites to fully power Armand's resurrecting machinery.
Armand runs up to Geoff in his mad scientist outfit. The fight doctor is getting awfully close to his friend as their faces almost touch. Geoff seems visibly uncomfortable with the distance between them, or lack thereof.
Armand says to Geoff. "Geoff, I want you to elevate me."
Geoff looks around as if wanting to ask if anybody is going to help him. "Uh, no offense, but I have a wife."
Armand just looks confused and takes off his dark goggles. "What are you talking about? I just want you to raise the platform. The switch is right behind you."
With that little mix up taken care of, Geoff laughs with relief. "Oh man, sorry; I'll do that right away."
As Armand rises up on the platform, Athena gets the countdown from Max.
"3... 2...1... FOR OLYMPUS!"
Eyes full of fury, Athena spins the claws around her like a whirlwind of cursed steel.
Shooting out like a frog's tongue, the hooks catch one of the pigs. With a mere flick of her wrist, Athena violently tears off the pig from where it's been attached.
Prone on the ground, Athena shoots both of the claws into the pig and with a hefty pull, tears the dead hog in two.
Organs and viscera fly all over the glass cove protecting the camera.
Whirling the claws around her again, Athena roars and then plants the weapons into the ground. Not a split second later, hundreds of chains shoot out of the ground, impaling the pigs with the devastating power of Hades.
The chains retract from the pig carcasses, ripping out flesh and splintering bone as they do.
Athena spins the chains once more around her and smiles at the Mask's crew. "I think that the Mask should have his wardrobe stay home."
Kellaway mutters something derogatory about Greek girls while Pretorius starts to make his way towards the coffee table.
Up on the roof, Dennis the menace is having an electric current pumped through his dead body strong enough to light up a small town.
Standing right over Dennis's electrified body is Armand Dorian. Armand is fully in mad scientist mode with an insane grin on his face. His dark hair is plastered to his head from the rain and he checks his medical instruments.
Armand starts to cackle maniacally. "It's alive! IT'S ALIVE!"
Meanwhile, Chuck Liddell is running for the exit as lightning bolts case after him like Zeus angry with him.
Chuck throws himself down a flight of stairs before the gods of thunder and lightning can barbecue his demigod ass.
Down on the floor, the three experts are back again and ready to make their decision. "You okay, Armand," says Geoff.
Armand nods. "Yeah, I'm good. I gotta vote for the claws on this one." His hair is neatly styled again and he seems to be back to his normal self.
Max speaks next. "I agree with Dr. Horrible over here." Armand glares at him. "The wardrobe was lethal, but the chains have the advantage of a widespread attack and they can be used to summon the souls that Kratos has killed."
The answer is obvious to the three men.
Edge: Kratos
Announcer: In short range weapons, Kratos took the lead with the Blade of Olympus. In Medium and long range weapons, The Mask took the advantage with the killer horn and Dennis the Menace. And finally, Kratos takes the cake with special weapons.
With all testing complete, all that's left to do is fire up the simulation and watch these two warriors go at it in a duel to the death; no rules, no safety, no mercy!
Max is shown pressing the enter key on his computer screen. It's ShowTime.
Simulation:
In the bowels of Mt. Olympus, legendary Warrior Kratos is preparing to slice Zeus's heart in half. The Ghost of Sparta is mighty pissed off (when isn't he?) and he's out for the vengeance that he's been looking for so long for.
Currently, Kratos's path is blocked by a massive magical door which will only open with blood.
Kratos reads the inscription on the tablet. Apparently to get across this door he'll have to toss six sacrifices into the molten lave which is gathered in a big pool at the back of the room.
Luckily for him, there are a number of prisoners in cages; victims of the amoral nature of the Greek gods.
Kratos steps up to a cage with two teenage boys that look like the product of brothers and sisters mating.
The kids in the cage look at Kratos and have a totally inappropriate reaction. "Hey Beavis, that guy's bald," says the brown haired snorter to his snorter friend.
"Beavis" starts to snigger at his friend's brilliant observation. "Yeah Butthead, nyheh, nyhey, nyheh."
His buddy joins the laughter at Kratos lack of hair. "Uh-huh-huh-uh-huh."
Kratos can actually feel himself getting stupider just listening to these two morons. So without further ado, he drags Beavis and Butthead's cage and shoves it into the lava.
It's truly a pleasure to hear the morons scream before they're vaporized by the molten rock.
Kratos grabs the next cage and starts to drag it towards the lava. Inside the cage is a pale faced banker who'd rather be anywhere but here.
Stanley Ipkiss starts to plead to Kratos to let him out, but he'd make better progress with Darth Vader's left shoe.
As the cage is dragged, Stanley spots a green piece of wood on the floor. Getting that mask is the only way he'll survive this.
Ignoring both the mask, Kratos finally tosses Stanley's cage into the lava. The warrior of Sparta begins to stride powerfully to the remaining captives. Three down, three to go.
All of the sudden, Kratos can feel a presence that is both hated and familiar to him.
A mass of cloud and lightning forms in front of him. Zeus!
Kratos screams as the clouds form a look alike of Zeus. "Come and face me Zeus and let us end this!"
The image of Zeus speaks but his words make no sense. "Kratos, you have served me well. Take this Kratos, take this weapon, take this power. Take—
Suddenly, Zeus's voice is coming right behind Kratos. "The Wedgie of Olympus!"
Before he can react, the Mask, dressed as Zeus, gives the Ghost of Sparta an atomic wedgie.
The Mask jumps back and cackles while Kratos struggles to rip his underwear from his head.
Kratos rips the underwear from his head and then sizes up his opponent: a tall, gangly fellow with a bald, green head and blindingly white teeth dressed in a zoot suit.
The Mask lights a cigarette using his thumb and then addresses Kratos. "Sorry, cue ball; nothing personal."
Kratos snarls and pulls out the blades of exile. "Your ass is mine."
With no further delay, Kratos attacks the Mask with ferocity of a starving bulldog.
The Blades of Exile fly at the mask, threatening to cut that smile off his face. The yellow and green hero waits until the last second to spring his move.
The Mask dodges the blades of exile, ducking and weaving under the blades with the flexibility of an elastic band.
Kratos thrusts and throws the blades strapped to his wrist, but finds that his weapons are only cutting air.
Suddenly, the Mask jumps right in front of Kratos and honks his nose. The Ghost of Sparta is furious and gives the Mask a mighty punch in the teeth.
The Mask flies across the room and slams into a statue. His white teeth fall from his mouth like piano keys.
The Mask would like to play a little piano music on his teeth but Kratos is on him like flies on shit.
The Mask spins out of the way as Kratos slams onto the spot where he just was.
Kratos hits the floor like a meteorite and cracks the heavy granite floor. Seeing that this foe escapes him, The Ghost of Sparta figures that a new strategy is in order.
Putting away the blades of exile, Kratos pulls out the Claws of Hades. Spinning the claws in complex arcs and patterns, Kratos throws the sharp ends of the claws into the ground.
The chains tighten and the Mask has only seconds before something bad happens.
To the Mask's utter amazement, hundreds of chains sprout from the ground like some kind of a fucked up forest.
The Mask only avoided impalement by the way of his lightning fast reflexes and the power to split his body in parts after the fashion of SpongeBob square pants.
The chains suddenly retract back into the ground and Kratos charges the mask wielding the claws much the same way that he could his trademark blades.
Adjusting his big hat and making sure that his lucky feather is in place; The Mask grins and accepts the challenge.
From is private hammer space, the Mask yanks out a giant croquet mallet.
The Mask sets his sights on the howling warrior of Sparta and gives his own battle cry while lifting up the giant mallet in ready position.
"LEEEEROOYYYY FUCKING JEEEENKKKINSSS!"
Kratos launches the claws at the Mask, which are then deflected by the giant mallet.
As the Mask brings down his hammer to crush Kratos, the Spartan warrior throws up the claws at the ceiling and yanks himself up like a yo-yo.
The Mask misses his strike and punches giant hole in the floor.
Before the Mask can raise his weapon for another strike, Kratos swings down from the ceiling like Tarzan. The flying Spartan warrior plants a powerful kick into the Mask's chest.
The Mask comically flies across the room and bounces around like a rubber ball. But the Mask isn't laughing.
Far from it, the Mask wears a look of determination on his face as Kratos uses the claws to summon an army of dead souls whose ghostly weapons can do real damage to flesh.
From out of his pocket, the Mask conjures a giant wardrobe of antique oak.
Smiling, he undoes the latch and lets the deadly piece of furniture do its work.
A ghostly team of Spartans come at the Wardrobe with spears and shields ready, but a giant tongue snaps them up like a frog gobbling down flies. The wardrobe backs up surprisingly quick on its short legs in order to avoid enemy weapons.
As the ghostly enemies and the wardrobe fight it out, Kratos trades the claws of Hades for the Bow of Apollo.
Immediately, the Mask is beset by a hail of arrows which he nimbly dodges using a combination of ninjitsu and ballet techniques.
Burning hot arrows wiz past the Mask but he merely taunts the laconic Kratos. "Hey loser; why don't ya learn how to shoot!"
The Mask doesn't have to wait long because Kratos just isn't interested in witty banter. An arrow flies past and takes off the Mask's lucky feather. A second shot takes the Mask's hat completely off.
The Mask turns around to get his hat when he notices that in trying to kill him, Kratos has deep sixed half of the hostages in the cages.
The appals the Mask's twisted sense of righteousness. "Yo, asshole; don't you have any standards?"
Apparently not, judging by the way that Kratos charges the Mask once more with the claws of Hades.
Before the Mask can dodge or say something funny, Kratos has latched onto his green head and starts pulling.
The Mask's eyes bulge as he is now in very real mortal danger. If Kratos pulls off the mask then he'll turn back into harmless old Stanley Ipkiss. And good old Stanley won't stand a chance in hell against a beast like Kratos.
For a moment it looks like victory is at hand for Kratos, when the Mask is saved by quick thinking.
From his bottomless pocket the Mask has drawn a cute little horn with a funny inscription on the bulb.
Kratos is about to pull off the magical mask when he gets quite the shock.
"AUGHA!"
The sound blast is deafening and it throws back Kratos as if he's been launched by a cannon.
The deadly horn also has the side effect of breaking the claws of Hades. Kratos is left holding broken chains as he slams into a stone wall, going right through it.
Kratos shakily gets up. His ears are ringing and blood runs down his back where the rock cut into him.
Kratos is livid. It isn't just rage. It's a cold thing and it's giving Kratos tunnel vision. All that he can see in his mind is the Mask dying a most painful death.
Dropping the now useless Claws of Hades, Kratos pulls out the blades of Olympus. Nobody does that to the Ghost of Sparta and lives to tell the tale.
The blade glows with power as blood pours out of Kratos ears from the horn's blast.
The Mask tries to make yet another funny remark before Kratos tackles him and they both go flying through a wall.
The two of them are suddenly outside of the mountain and they land on a relatively flat rock formation.
Seeing that Kratos is packing a god killing weapon, the Mask has no intention of getting up close and personal with that. So he pulls out another weapon.
He yanks out Dennis the Menace from his pocket and places the kid on the ground. The Mask then pulls a giant syringe out of his ear. "I found this needle on the street, kid; hope you don't mind."
As soon as the rocket fuel/crystal meth mix enters Dennis's blood, the lad has no complaints. He launches himself at Kratos like a projectile instead of a person.
Kratos swings sideways with the blade, trying to bisect Dennis. Instead, he misses and takes a hard punch to the gut.
All the wind leaves Kratos and the mighty man doubles over.
He doesn't have long to recuperate from the first blow because Dennis does a flip and kicks Kratos right on the chin.
The Ghost of Sparta goes flying back. Thankfully he still has all of his teeth in place.
Dazed and battered though he is, Kratos swings the blade of Olympus at Dennis, hoping to decapitate the little grasshopper of a lad.
The strike slices off some of Dennis's hair but the now homicidal prankster couldn't care in his chemically altered state.
Leaping acrobatically, Dennis gives Kratos a powerful kick in the grapes.
Kratos eyes bulge out of their sockets and the warrior suppressed a groan of agony. Looks like it'll be a very long while before the next fun sex oriented mini game.
Kratos has had enough of this. If everybody could see the former God of War getting owned by a ten year old kid, Kratos would have to kill them all to avoid the shame.
He grinds out at Dennis. "You little fucker."
Then with an easy sweep of his arm, he runs Dennis through on the blade of Olympus. Before dying, Dennis punches Kratos square in the face, breaking Kratos fine nose.
But Dennis is dead and that's one more adversary on Kratos impressive kill count. Personally, Kratos might like to kill that annoying sea captain from the first game one more time.
As the Mask would say, but first. . .
The Mask is polishing his nails a lovely pink colour and waiting for Dennis to come back after killing Kratos.
It's not Dennis that comes back, just his head.
The Mask is stunned as the head of Dennis the Menace hits him square in the face.
The Mask gets up, more confused than dazed.
He looks down and sees Dennis's disembodied head. Well, this is a bit morbid.
The green faced vigilante barely makes it out of the way as Kratos brings down the Blade of Olympus with some very lethal intent.
Edge City's crime fighter is just a shade too slow and has a hand sliced off.
Blood pouring out of the wound where his right hand used to be, the Mask shrieks in horror like a little girl.
Kratos is about to drive the blade home into his enemy's heart when he's grabbed around the waist by the carnivorous wardrobe.
Kratos is yanked into the waiting wardrobe and the door slam shut.
The Mask looks down at his bleeding hand. The wound simply refuses to heal.
The Mask has been shot, stabbed, poisoned, clubbed, impaled, castrated and burned in his career battling criminals; this is the first time that a wound dealt to his has lasted. All those other times the Mask shrugged it off as easily as the cartoon characters he imitated.
With a shocking clarity for someone as scatter brained as him, the Mask realizes that this isn't a game and Kratos doesn't have any rules except win.
Green lips twist into an angry snarl. If this asshole wants to play hardball, then he'll get hardball.
The wardrobe of death shakes and grunts as if it is in pain. From inside of it, it is stabbed by the Blade of Olympus and one of the blades of exile.
Blood gushing everywhere, the wardrobe dies and its doors open wide.
Kratos jumps out of the wardrobe dressed like Marge Simpson. He even has a big, blue wig on just like Marge's hair.
Screaming in an emotion beyond fury, Kratos rips off the green dress, pearls and blue wig. He's naked except for his weapons; he's a friggin Spartan, being naked isn't something he's foreign to.
The Mask lunges at Kratos, dressed like a ninja and wielding a sword. He seems to have both of his hands now.
Kratos lashes out with one of the Blades of Exile and spears the Mask through the stomach. The Mask hollers as Kratos slams him into the stone floor again and again.
Growling like an animal, Kratos throws the Mask back through the stone wall where they came from.
The enemy of Kratos tries to get up but Kratos stomps on his hand violently. Before the Mask can even Shriek, his lower jaw is sliced off by Kratos blade.
The Mask transforms into a pirate and tries to shoot Kratos with is musket, but Kratos violently drives a thumb into the Mask's left eye. The violence gratifies Kratos.
Throwing the Mask against, a wall, Kratos charges with like a tidal wave, merciless and unstoppable.
On his best day, the Mask would never be able to avoid the Blade of Olympus the way Kratos is thrusting it now.
The Mask is pinned by the mighty blade like an insect on a pin.
Kratos snorts like a bull; glad to know that this particularly annoying enemy is down for the count.
But wait, something isn't right. The Mask's skin seems to be peeling and falling to the floor, much like the wrapping paper on a package.
To Kratos enormous surprise, when the glamour has worn off, it's not the Mask under his blade.
It's Meg Griffin!
Despite her grievous injuries, Meg smiles as she says. "I died with honour." Then she dies; horribly but no less honourably.
Having been deafened by the horn, Kratos doesn't hear the sound of a giant mallet rising over his head.
The mallet comes down on Kratos bald head and the big man's noggin explodes like an egg hitting the pavement.
Moving on nervous impulse, Kratos's headless body takes a few stumbling steps towards the Mask; swinging the Blade of Olympus clumsily. It's as if even in death Kratos isn't ready to call it quits.
Sure enough though, Kratos corpse lands at the Mask's feet, who still only has one hand.
The Mask gives his trademark grin. "Snooze," he whispers gleefully. Stanley is going to have to learn how to masturbate left handed but at least he'll have bragging rights.
The Mask Wins!
The Mask: 612 kills
Dennis the Menace-284 kills
Giant Mallet-35 kills
Deadly Horn-200
Evil Wardrobe-93 kills
Kratos: 388 kills
Bow of Apollo- 63 kills
Blade of Olympus- 165 kills
Blades of exile- 51 kills
Claws of Hades- 109
Geoff starts off with his commentary on the episode. "What was interesting here was—
It seems that Geoff is being distracted by his cell phone ringing. "Hang on," the man grumbles to the camera.
Geoff opens his phone and hits a button. "Hello?"
From the other end a frantic voice starts. "Geoff, thank god it's you! Listen, you have to help me?"
Geoff is confused at the desperate voice of Max Geiger coming from the phone. "Max, what's going on?"
"Geoff, I'm in Kandahar right now. I'm in deep shit here, buddy."
Geoff frowns as Armand and the guest experts gather around him. "Kandahar? Okay Max, quit screwing around."
"I'm not screwing around," Max protests, "I was driving to work this morning when I was kidnapped and send to the Near East."
Geoff isn't buying it. "Ha-ha, Max; very funny. But you've been here all d—
Suddenly, Geoff stops in his tracks. Max continues to babble on the phone, but he's also standing right in front of Geoff without any form of phone on him at all.
A look of pure confusion crosses the face of Geoff Desmoulins. If Max is in Kandahar as he claims, then who's that guy in front of him?
Seeing that the gig is up, "Max" smiles; revealing a set of teeth that are too big and white to belong to the real Max Geiger.
In a flash, the impostor spins around like a tornado before turning into. . .
"The Mask!" shouts Lieutenant Kellaway. The dark haired cop pulls out his sidearm and aims it at the green menace. "Hands in the air, you green fucker!"
Geoff is equally outraged. "You bastard, you impersonated our buddy!"
The Mask laughs and briefly turns back into Max. "I'm not a computer expert, although I do play one on TV."
The green and yellow scoundrel uses his thumb to light a cigarette. Exhaling smoke at Kellaway, he tells the detective. "Drop the gun, Lieutenant; it's not going to do shit against me."
Out of spite, Mitch Kellaway empties the whole clip at the Mask, visibly pissing him off.
"Hey Mitch," says the Mask, "I said that wouldn't do a thing."
"What is your purpose in coming here, Mask?" enquires Dr. Pretorius.
The Mask explains. "Well, first I was going to fight crime and then sleep with hookers, but then I found out from my fan base that I was going to be on this show and I just had to show up and see it for myself."
"You cheated!" accuses Chuck Liddell.
"Hey," the Mask protests, "I did everything that Max would. I didn't cheat. AND I WON! Free ice cubes and blow for everyone."
At that, the Mask starts to dance while throwing around ice cubes and cocaine. Armand goes down with a load of coke to the eyes. The blinded doctor stumbles to find the eye wash before the coke in his eyes makes him high.
Geoff slips on a free ice cube and bangs his hip pretty badly against a table. Shouting a string of curses, Geoff tries to right himself.
Chuck Liddell is making off with as much coke as he can, snorting enough to kill a horse. Meanwhile, Athena has got a load of ice cubes that she's taking to the freezer. "By the Gods, look at all this ice." Now she'll have a way to keep her sandwiches cold on Olympus.
All that's left are Kellaway, Pretorius and the Mask.
Desperately, Kellaway asks. "Why do you torture me so? Why can't you just kill me?"
The Mask laughs. "Come on! What would I do without you two guys?
To demonstrate, he turns into Heath Ledger's joker and says in that creepy joker way. "You-you complete me."
The Mask changes back. "Now let's see how that sounds with unnecessary censorship."
He transforms back into the Joker. "You-you BLEEP me."
Then he turns into Batman with the cancer voice. "You're garbage who BLEEPs for money."
And to finish it all, the Mask gives both his enemies a big wedgie.
But what's happened to Kratos? Won't he be mad that he lost? Not really. Since Kratos killed Zeus, he decided to move to New York City and he now has a job settling debts for the mob.
In the Bronx, Kratos wears an "I heart NY" hoodie which did little to hide his powerful frame.
The powerful Spartan warrior towered over Timon and Pumbaa. "Timon, you borrowed five hundred dollars from Phil Leotardo."
Timon is afraid and Pumbaa is scared shitless. He's smarter than Timon in that he knows Kratos rep isn't inflated; quite the opposite actually.
Timon tries to sweet talk his way out of this one. "Uh, sorry Kratos; Phil's gonna have to take a rain check. We can get the money next week."
Pumbaa covers his eyes and gets on the ground. "Timon," he whimpers, "we shouldn't have bet the money at the race tracks."
Seeing that the money isn't there, Kratos picks up Timon and starts to shake him like a mother in post partum depression shaking her baby.
Timon howls and tries to free himself as the mighty Spartan shakes him like a paint can.
Several people stop and stare at the unusual sight of a Spartan shaking down a meerkat and a warthog. Kratos just growls at onlookers. "The meerkat owes my friend money. Keep walking!"
Eventually, Kratos puts down a disoriented Timon and strips him for all he has. The meerkat's wallet is empty but he's got a nice watch. Kratos puts it around his pinkie; it's quite nice.
By this point Pumbaa has started crying and begging for mercy while Timon loses his lunch.
Kratos strides with his new pinkie watch over to his only mode of transport: a ten speed bicycle. As he undoes the bike chain, Kratos shouts to Timon and Pumbaa. "If I don't have the money by sundown tomorrow I'll kill the both of you and burn Simba's night club to cinders!"
Kratos then realizes something. "Where's my helmet?" He bangs a fist on the handlebars. "Someone stole my fucking helmet!"
Angrily, Kratos pedals down the busy New York street, leaving Timon and Pumbaa wondering as to how they'll get out of this mess."
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And that's all folks. I know most of you were probably rooting for Kratos, but I wanted to shake things up a little. He always wins, usually with the help of some God or another. So I just took that help away. I hope you're not upset and that you had fun.
Next time we've got the legendary Dr. Who vs. the infamous Invader Zim. You won't want to miss it. As Nixon once said, "See my bitches go at it."
I love you all, you've been great readers.
Ta
Master of the Boot
